Akiko's Fury

I got caught up with this at work ... not good ... didn't want to stop reading. I never saw myself as a literary fiction lover but since coming to this sight I have had my horizons broadened considerably.

I am captivated by this ... I love your style of writing ... it is smooth and easy to read and I found myself so quickly immersed in the story and the haunting, descriptive way in which you write it. I am already fixating on Akiko (Molly) ... framing her image in my mind ... deadly, I know.

Another complete story that I will read to the end. Starred and shelved when able.

Mick

And many thanks for sharing this powerful piece of writing.

Hi Okamoto. fine writing. starred and shelved. spare yet powerful prose. no macro quibbles. love the storyline. will be reading on.

for now, here's a minor thought that may strike a chord. pls ignore if it doesn't fit your narrative style.

although i like the opening para, i found it a tad tense. perhaps give the reader some "space" as it were via a re-format: would it make sense to break this into 2-3 paras? hey, you know the effect you want, but maybe use a para break after "...right before her eyes"? a pause here, preceding the following question, adds a touch of suspense before the question

wonderful tale!

best wishes, andy

This is interesting-it reads like a screenplay-different. Nice job.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

Something kind of Kill Bill about your description. Backed and look forward to reading.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

I think this is exceptional. That's not to say it's without flaw. I struggled with your opening and with some of your choices of style. But by the time we were in the bathroom, I was hooked. So yeah, exceptional.

Hi, Congratulations on your agent representation - hope that goes well for you.
Crime isn't my normal fare of choice, but I did enjoy the read here, especially the descriptive pieces - sentences such as 'Beyond the church spire, mountains gather in dusty, black-brown folds.' / 'soft, dust-scuffle of a lizard' . The plot itself seems to have an unusual angle and the whole opening chapter is atmospheric.
I do have some comments though - wee glitches that might be worth a look. I suggest omitting the 's' in 'summers and autumns' - it reads more easily without them and is (I think) more grammatically correct.
Also suggest replacing 'happens to be' with 'is' before 'parked' - if this is the only taxi on the island at the ferry is the obvious place for it to be parked.
I also felt the sucession of very short paragraphs in the ealier section was a little overdone, so that it lost impact. Particularly obvious in the 6 paras describing the man Akiko is sent to kill - beginning with 'He's middle-aged...' as they are all part of the description separating them seems artificial. From this point on the length of paragraphs varied much more and therefore short / one sentence ones when they arose had much more impact. This is of course a personal opinion - others may differ, but certainly I was tiring of them at the point I highlighted.

Otherwise good stuff, backed,

Margaret

The Loneliness of the Blue-Eyed Assassin was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. I read, rated, and BACKED your work. Nice fast-paced dialogue! Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side and find a place for it on your shelf. Thanks.
Sue50

Epic, classic, forged in the blast-oven of unflinching honesty. These characters live knowingly in the shadow cast by death, neither afraid to face their fate nor the exit point, and so live totally in the moment given. Beautiful, spare, direct prose, conveying understanding and acceptance of the ancient creedo: Live by the sword, die by the sword, honor is the dying man's greatest possession; honor life and respect those about to die, for they tread a path we all shall tread. Cinematic, in the great tradition of Shawscope movies from the 70's. The scene in chapter 1 of Ogata and Jack Vance in the bar and on the dock is riveting, real, mythic.
Possibly break chapters up into shorter, punchier vignettes, presenting individual scenes as notes (chapters), that when strung together, reveal the melody . . .

This was just amazing to read. Such an interesting story and then so beautifully written! Your unusal approach to dialogue only added to the story in that it furthered it in being a story that felt foreign and rich.

Not my usual genre, but it is extremely fast paced, and a thrilling read. Your characters are fascinating, as is the original storyline. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

THEN LONELINESS OF THE BLUE EYES ASSASSIN
This is a fascinating story - fast and sassey,with incredible action. Extremely well written and a real page turner.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

What a fascinating ride. A roller-coaster which no sooner slows down than it races away again. Excellent work and very hard to put down. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

You've constructed an engaging thriller. The characters shine and have depth. The insightful narrative glows. Crisp descriptions of settings and scenes. Strong structure. Adept writing. A captivating read. Backed.

Beautifully written. Lyrical. Reading it was like listening to a sigh in the fog. Happy to back it.

I can see this as anime. You opened up with a good action scene. The only thing I would suggest is that you break up the text in more paragraphs so it can be easier to follow. Other than that, you did good.

Your descriptions, dialogue, and action are done very well though I don't personally care for the present tense style (not a criticism, just a personal choice). I'm sure there are a great many readers who will adore this book. Backed.

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline which I really like. Your character development of Akiko is excellent as is your use of imagery. The pace of your story flows nicely and you build the tension well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Blue-eyed Noir in spades, bonsai chapters of lapidary prose, this is about the closest to writing-as-high-art I have come across on Authonomy. I'm impressed. Seriously. KA

To Okamoto (The Loneliness of the Blue - Eyed Assassin.

I love the expression: Deadly 'Akiko' retires from killing....... She might just put my James McAuley out of business! I haven't had the time to complete my reading, but I will in the next couple of days. I liked it and will BACK it.

Frank James (The Contractor)

Read a few pages of your book. Plan to read more.Putting you on my watch list. Backed.

Hope to see you reciprocate

Regards,

A Skein of Geese

Brilliant writing. Loved this.

My first thought is 'Kill Bill'. the writing is sleek and focused...a tad too much. I am not feeling the pull. I am not caring about this amazing woman despite my look into her world. You may want to break it up a bit, shorter chapters. Try shorter sentences when you are doing the fight scenes. It picks up the pace.

Your base is awesome and there is unimaginable potential. KEEP WRITING!

Backed and promising!

AmyR
Trust Me

hullo Okamoto. Has great flow which draws the reader into the story but,...break it up. white space is good sometimes. Interesting story, you write very descriptively, lets see, is that a word. Regardless,...Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

Interesting pitch.

Backed.

Gabriel (It Goes On Forever.)

Wow! Wild!

Akiko/Molly very interesting, great writing with awesome description.

Backing!

Good Luck!
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

You have a unique voice and a way with description. Backed for sure. :)

Melissa (+ Amanda)
Burns Like the Sun

I have backed your book the loneliness of the blue eyed assassin looks like it could be a good screenplay for a movie too..

Hi there, fellow Authonomy-topian. If you enjoy historical spy/thrillers and would like to know how two former dogs-of-war plan to assassinate the world’s foremost dictator…come take a look at To Kill a Dead Man.

I enjoyed this because it is so well written, although I'm not sure what you have against inverted commas. I'm not dur keen on endless killing and I'm not fascinated by all the martial arts. I boxed for 12 years. It is the description that held me. You do write exceptionally well. Backed.

BACKED. I see you have representation so I would not dare step on their professional advice, given that I am a novice and unpublished. Not sur I would start a book with the word "so"; short story maybe but a long narrative hanging on the word so makes for hesitant injunction with the work; almost as if the reader has missed something before that "so". That being said..

Good luck to you. Cheers.

There is something wrong with the backing system, will try again.

Akiko's Fury
The writing is good, but it would be easier to read if you cut chapter one into two chapters
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning an new leaf)

This reads very well once the reader grows accustomed to the tense. Action convinces and characterisation pulls the reader along. The little touches make for a 3-D read.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Hi Okamoto,
A good title.The dialogue is crisp and could be straight out of a film script. The characters jump off the page. The descriptions are so cinematic that the reader feels s/he is right there watching it all at first hand. I can't think of anything you might do to improve the book. It has been well edited and appears to me like a finished package.Backed,
Scott.

I like the exotic setting. It's quite ambitious but you handle it well.
Lara
Good for Him

Hello Okamoto and what a bold book cover, love it. Your short pitch is great and just a thought for your long pitch and that is to put a para in as it give the impression of being too long, which it is not....This maybe the first read your potential publisher may have of your work and anything you can do to make it easy is worth while......CONGRATS .. This is not my genre but it is so important to cross over some times to appreciate other authors and comment and back for skill etc if nothing else...however your book is so well crafted with characters that wont leave my head......
.BACKED by me for sure....... would be so happy if you would review my book and COMMENT and if you will BACK it. Either way BEST of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

Dear Okamoto, This is your 2nd book that I'm backing. :) This one is written wonderfully, too - what a heroine to defend her people & to atone by working in the temple - lot s of intrigue in your story. Nice crisp paragraphs (longer ones, you may want to cut in 2 or more for us with short attention spans who tend to miss the middles.) & dialogue, too. :) Could you please back my 2 memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

this seems a most interesting book. the japanese culture oozes out. love it...on watchlist...
read SEASONS...

I found your book to be extremely well written and captivating. Shelved. Best of luck, Jedward

Hi Okamoto, this is lyrical, sophisticated writing. Literary is a word I don't often use, but I think it can be truly applied to your work. And I call it a 'work' rather than a book, because it seems to me it's a kind of masterpiece - something which like an early renaissance oil painting, takes pain-staking brush strokes, time and skill to produce. The only thing that detracts from this work of art, is the staccato beginning followed by the lengthy paragraphs which seems to jar with the whole concept of your excellent premise. Shelved.

Lorelli, Thank you very much. Deeply appreciated. I am going to take a look at The Man Whisperer too (I think it's a terrific concept, by the way, dazzling in its simplicity like the best concepts, and for what it's worth the little I've read shows real writing sense). -Okamoto.

Hi Okamoto

I found your writing vivid and powerful. The pacing seems to rise and fall - the action sequence with Akiko at the beginning is breathtakingly quick, then a little further on the retrospective narration steadies the pace (a pause before the next action).

Developmentally the formating/presentation seemed a little bumpy, the longer paragraphs could perhaps be divided to give the reader a little more breathing space. That said, i liked the short, snappy one line paragraphs you use at various intervals to give emphasis.

Shelved :-)

Best wishes
Lorelli (The Man Whisperer)

Andrew, Thank you deeply. The "jerky" or fragmented, kaleidoscopic stop-and-go quality of this novel was and is a worry for me, too. I just couldn't write it any other way. As for the characters, I mean, ultimately it stands or falls on whether you can get real emotion from the writing, and that partly depends on sympathy for the characters. But this is not a matter I could "fix" in the editing room. I just try to put my whole spirit into what I write, and hope for the best . . . I appreciate your comments. Thank you again, -- Okamoto.

Akiko's Fury

Hi Okamoto,

Accomplished stuff, a clear and very strongly flavoured style, I know many will wax lyrical about this and it is certainly the most excellent writing. The block paragraphs and then the staccato sentence strips didn't do it for me however, it felt jerky, like an old cassette player when the tape gets itself spooled round the heads. You write action well, hey, let's face it, you write very well indeed. But this is a world and and set of characters that I found it hard to engage with emotionally, perhaps more me than you and your talent. But the brilliance of your writing style, its originality and flair is something we call all admire and it alone requires my backing, the very best of luck. I read your sad tale of rejection as well and know that you will get there, you have buckets of talent, realism, stoicism and resilience - keeping going is perhaps the most important ability in a writer beyond the basic process of pouring words on a page and moving them around to make mind-pictures in other people's heads.

Best wishes - Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Hi Okamoto

I found your writing vivid and powerful. The pacing seems to rise and fall - the action sequence with Akiko at the beginning is breathtakingly quick, then a little further on the retrospective narration steadies the pace (a pause before the next action).

Developmentally the formating/presentation seemed a little bumpy, the longer paragraphs could perhaps be divided to give the reader a little more breathing space. That said, i liked the short, snappy one line paragraphs you use at various intervals to give emphasis.

Shelved :-)

Best wishes
Lorelli (The Man Whisperer)

Akiko's Fury

Hi Okamoto,

Accomplished stuff, a clear and very strongly flavoured style, I know many will wax lyrical about this and it is certainly the most excellent writing. The block paragraphs and then the staccato sentence strips didn't do it for me however, it felt jerky, like an old cassette player when the tape gets itself spooled round the heads. You write action well, hey, let's face it, you write very well indeed. But this is a world and and set of characters that I found it hard to engage with emotionally, perhaps more me than you and your talent. But the brilliance of your writing style, its originality and flair is something we call all admire and it alone requires my backing, the very best of luck. I read your sad tale of rejection as well and know that you will get there, you have buckets of talent, realism, stoicism and resilience - keeping going is perhaps the most important ability in a writer beyond the basic process of pouring words on a page and moving them around to make mind-pictures in other people's heads.

Best wishes - Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Okamoto San.

Totemo omoshiroi hon.
As I said in our exchange of messages, I commented on Akiko's Fury a few days ago and backed it. For some reason, my comments disappeared off this page and you received no notification of my backing - yet your book appeared on my self. All very odd. Let's have another try.

Mike Dixon/Curtain Express.

Colin, Thank you extremely. Every single one of your line-editing suggestions is exactly right. You remind me of my (current) agent. His suggested edits are equally clear and exact. -Okamoto

Hi Okamoto.

I like the tight, vivid prose of your prologue. And I suppose it’s important to start with intense action, and to establish suspense by presenting the mystery of why assassins are after Akiko at the same time we learn she is herself a skilled martial artist. But I like what follows even more. This is tangible, bare-bones writing that evokes far more than it says explicitly. You introduce the blue-eyed man well, and I like the shock of his attack on Akiko in the bathroom. The fight scene is splendidly graphic (though may I suggest “spurts” instead of “leaps out,” for the blood?). The plot and the characters are engaging—this looks like a great thriller.

A minor issue: In the fourth line of the lead paragraph, wouldn’t “moist clunk” be more concise than “moist sounding clunk”? Better still, I believe, you might use a more precise onomatopoeic noun; how about “thunk”? And while I’m being trivial, may I suggest the following? “… with aplomb and simplicity and without any rancor” to me would have more impact as “… with aplomb and simplicity and no rancor.” I feel I should apologize for pointing out things you might well revise anyway, in the course of things, given that your writing is generally so tight anyway. Happy to shelve your book. Cheers, Collin (*MOM*)

Hi Okamoto.

I like the tight, vivid prose of your prologue. And I suppose it’s important to start with intense action, and to establish suspense by presenting the mystery of why assassins are after Akiko at the same time we learn she is herself a skilled martial artist. But I like what follows even more. This is tangible, bare-bones writing that evokes far more than it says explicitly. You introduce the blue-eyed man well, and I like the shock of his attack on Akiko in the bathroom. The fight scene is splendidly graphic (though may I suggest “spurts” instead of “leaps out,” for the blood?). The plot and the characters are engaging—this looks like a great thriller.

A minor issue: In the fourth line of the lead paragraph, wouldn’t “moist clunk” be more concise than “moist sounding clunk”? Better still, I believe, you might use a more precise onomatopoeic noun; how about “thunk”? And while I’m being trivial, may I suggest the following? “… with aplomb and simplicity and without any rancor” to me would have more impact as “… with aplomb and simplicity and no rancor.” I feel I should apologize for pointing out things you might well revise anyway, in the course of things, given that your writing is generally so tight anyway. Happy to shelve your book. Cheers, Collin (*MOM*)

Mad stuff, but I love it. Backed with pleasure. Alan

Dear Okamoto san, this is very well researched/interviewed MS. A nit pick first, there are some camera position instructions, they should be omitted. You might want to make the theme clearler. Otherwise, Akiko's fury is spiritual and philosophical. The action packed and informative details. I think it will attract readers interested in dark side of Jpanese culture and its mysteries.

Keiko
(A Thousand Words)