MARA And JANE WE ARE FOUR

Hi!

Thank you for backing Green and Pleasant back there! I have now had a chance to read Mara and Jane. It reads very smoothly and brightly. Great! It's a long while since I was in the business of reading to litte'uns but this does seem to have the rhythm and the repetition that children' s stories need. Along with others, it seems, I think there could be a bit more drama. I think most kids like things to go wrong here and there. Two four year olds and two pots of paint? Surely there would be a real mess somewhere?
Having tried writing for a few years, one thing that has struck me is that every word has to be exact and to count in a text. I guess that's particularly the case with childrens' books. Hence I wondered about 'individual' with the snowflakes; 'keep in touch', and 'compare notes'.
Good luck with this! I have it on my watchlist and will keep any eye open for it.

Tony

I think this is cute and flows nicely. Will continue to read. Put you on my watchlist.

Michelle

Dear Strayer

I had a look at your story about two little girls making friends. I thought you observed them well, and enjoyed the slow, real time of what they were doing. All the time I was waiting for something to happen, though, and wondered when it would. I know you write well and have understood how little children think, but is there a drama here? Can a cat get lost and found? Even cute picture books also manage to be clever - think of Julia Donaldson - and that keeps the kids and the adults entertained. In the words of Oliver Twist, "Can I have some more, please?"

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

The story is cute, but please Mara said, Jane said/ asked/yelled. . . you don't need to tag EVERY dialogue line with who says what. It really slows the pace down. It is assumed from the action/emotion that the character doing the action or feeling emotion or thinking is tha character who spoke. Also, action-reaction is not followed. Sometimes we think before we speak, sometimes we act, instead of you the author tell us that there was a reaction to the situation thereafter. They yelled YES. Why tell us this, instead of show us? Do try not to use caps in this manner. She asked, you have a ? at the end of what she asked, it is clear this is a question, don't assume even children can assume you don't find them confident enough to trust your writing and you have to tell them this. "They both nodded with their heads yes." When we nod we agree, yes, no need to tell us this bit. These are the things editors look for and trust me, when I first started I had no idea. You can read all the books out there and not pick up on this. Plus, the writing styles change so much and fast. I read books published twenty, thirty years ago and there's all kind of things not acceptable today. Run on sentences, mixing of povs, you name it. Today writing has to hook the reader right at get go and keep him going guessing till the end. You have to make reader like and care for your characters and prose has to run smooth. Everything redundant has to go.

This is a very sweet story but there are a few niggly points for me.
I don't know if you're planning on trying to sell this book, but I see some problems if you are. The chapters, although nicely written, have no plot. I have a 4 year old and a 6 year old daughter, and they both demand a plot. It doesn't have to be massive, but they want something to happen beyond the normal, every-day activities.

I also don't believe that a nearly 4 year old could read and write to the level you have them doing it. My kids are bright. The 4 year old recognises a few letters but can't write them well. My 6 year old can read fluently after a year at school, but she couldn't have read and written as much as Jane and Mara when she was only just 4. And they would have no idea what a thousand would look like written down. They would simply put on a gazillion zeros and that would be that.

I love the way you have them thinking - that literal interpretation of things. Some phrases you use don't quite ring true, and they sound more like things an adult would say (e.g. settling for a thousand). You also use repetitive phrases e.g. they did something forever. It lasted forever. I know kids use the same words over a
nd over (believe me, I know!) but it looks wrong written down. It's as though your imagination has failed rather than theirs. I think you're missing a trick with "how long does a minue last" - something my kids still don't grasp because "just a minute" varies depending on what I'm doing. It can be half an hour or it can be thirty seconds. At 3, nearly 4, yesterday is any day prior to today, and next week is sometime next year. I think you could really exploit that angle of kids thinking.

So - a lovely idea, but I'm not sure if it's something I would read to my own 4 year old. Possibly the difference between American and British life would mean it wouldn't interest her.

How could anyone find their job if it didn't stay in one place? Taking the idea of climbing a ladder literally. --- You capture the mind of a four-year-old well!
The chapters about Mara and Jane's activities are good . Might help give children ideas for games and inspire imagination. Planting moms had me in stitches!
well done!
GILLIAN

Read your first chapter (very limited time on Authonomy and I usually don't have a look at children's books).

I found your story charming, but curious, too. Mara seems to have no relationship with her mother. She doesn't even think about her mother as hers, it's "the mom." That could be like Peanuts cartoons, where all adults are relegated to another universe with severely limited influence in their children's lives. It could also be because Mara does not have a close relationship with her mother. Although her mother seems somewhat attentive and interested in Mara -- at least after Mara makes friends with Jane. Prior to that, it doesn't look like her mother's taken much interest in helping Mara to adjust to having lost a friend. My comments probably sound like so much irrelevant psychobabble and that's probably what they are.
Regardless of the relationshiplessness between Mara and her mother, I like this story and if I can find time, I'll come back for more.
Wishing you all the best,
Judy
P.S. I loved your pitch, it is unusual, on Authonomy, for a pitch to interfere with my decision to have a look at something, but in this case, I was not going to look and the pitch convinced me that I really should have a look. And I'm glad that I did.

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: An endearing start. Interesting main characters. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Hyphenate 'four years old.'
2) "Hi," She called out to Mara. 'She' should be lowercase. 'She called out' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name).
3) 'They yelled YES.' No need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of the story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) "We can't read the writing on the cans" Jane said. Comma after 'cans.'
2) "Purple," They both said at the same time. 'They' should be lowercase.

Specific comments on Authonomy chapter three:
1) Same as Authonomy chapter two, but with lots of errors.

Specific comments on Authonomy chapter four (your chapter three):
1) "You can pick the berries and fill these boxes," She told them. 'She' should be lowercase.
2) " ... and that's not until the day after tomorrow." Mara's mom said. Comma after 'tomorrow.'
3) "You girls selling berries?" He asked. 'He' should be lowercase. There are more cases where the first word in a dialogue tag is capitalize when it should be lowercase.
4) 'Next, she shook the mom's hands.' Mom's (singular possessive) should be moms' (plural possessive).
5) 'The mom's handed Mrs. Robbins the paper ... ' Mom's (singular possessive) should be moms (plural).
6) 'She held out twp lollipops.' 'Twp' should be 'two.'
7) 'Mrs. Robbins walked them them to the door of the.' A word seems to be missing here.

I hope this critique helps you to polish your all important opening chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a wonderful day.

Al

This is a cute story. Easy to read. Can four year olds whistle???I didn't learn how until I was 13. >.<
MAJA!

-Miss.Chievous
Far From Normal, More Than Special

Have to agree with everyone else about this story. Rated highly. The only suggestion I felt I should make is that you change the font. I know this sounds a bit petty, but the type you have used is quite dated and a more modern font would would give the initial view of the story for the authonomy reader a better perspective. If you do some editing sometime and want to risk changing the font try Times New Roman. But lovely story Strayer.
Lindsey J Carden To Paint A White Horse.

Completely charming! Wonderfully enchanting! Very best Regards, Jedward

Very sweet. Also quite fresh. love the perspective of the small child. Well done.

I read your first chapter and if you were standing here right now ..."I'd shake your hand for a job well done." Obviously, I'm about as far removed from an adolescent girl as humanly possible but when I read the text I saw colors and the word "strawberry" actually made my mouth water. I would love to see the illustrrations for this book if the simple words conjure up those reactions. If I was curious about what my grand-daughter was reading and I read just the first chapter this, I'd be thrilled this was a book what she had chosen. I have no rank here but I'll put you on my shelf tomorrow. Fondly, Henry

Just read the first chapter of this, sweet and humorous, and not patronising as I find some childrens books are.

Mara and Jane are endearing little girls...I love how they view things adults say. They see the world just as I imagine four year olds would.
It is a bit unusual for a chapter book to have such young main characters. I wonder if you intend for this to be a series of seven picture books, as each chapter has its own stand-alone storyline.
I did find this to be a wonderful read, and I'm happy to put it on my shelf.

I love that this book dares to be different. It is on my book shelf. Look forward to reading it soon.

Hi, I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered:()

Chapter 1: Hmmm this is unusual, as you said. I don't think I've ever seen a book in such a form for the age category you're aiming at. I salute you for daring to be different. After all, why should all books for this age be 500-1000 word picture books? ;)

There's a v sweet tone to your writing. I think this would work v well read aloud, as I'm sure you intended.

1 tiny suggestion. Where possible, I think it would be better to avoid "filtering" words as they place the character between the reader and the story. eg in "... but she knew that just couldn't be true..." we know who's doing the thinking, so "... but that just couldn't be true..." would work better. I think the 2nd version would help the reader share Mara's thoughts more directly. I think the same technique could be applied to more examples in the following paragraphs, if you wished.

Reading on... Poor Mara. She obviously misses her friend badly:(. She must b v lonely. Aha but what's this big truck doing?

Another tiny nitpick, in a similar vein to before. I think stuff like saw/watched could be avoided in a similar way. eg I think "Mara saw two men get out" would work better and be more direct as "Two men got out..."

Reading on... Hey, it looks like a new family's moving in, and there's even a girl Mara's age :). I think the description of the other girl's great. V vivid, and described in ways a child could really visualise. And the dialogue between them's lovely. Very sweet. It looks like Mara has a new friend. :)

I like their interaction in the strawberry field and the name they give it. I know you haven't written this book in a picture book format as the industry defines it, but I think the scene would make a lovely line drawing, in a similar vein to the pictures in Roald Dahl's novels. The paint mixing was fun too. A job well done, indeed. :)

Chapter 2: Looks like Mara and Jane are getting on like a house on fire now. The birthday card exchange is v sweet. And I like the mud experimentation. Again, I think that bit would make a great picture. Wow then they move onto building a town. They're very organised, these 2. I wish I'd been half as good at that age! By the end of the chapter, they've done another good painting job.

tiny nitpick. I think, occasionally, you have the girls doing stuff they couldn't/shouldn't be doing at that age. eg prying open tin cans with a screwdriver sounds a bit dangerous. Not something I'd want a kid that age doing/copying. Could you maybe have the dad/mum open the paint for them instead? Just a thought. ;)

Another tiny nitpick here. would kids that age really understand 1000? I think it might be funnier if they had a population of 100. That would still seem a big number for a kid that age, I think, and might make a parent chuckle.

(1 more thing. You've uploaded chapter 2 twice. I'm not sure if this was a mistake or if you did it to make up the word count. I thought I should mention it just in case.)

Chapter 3: Oho the strawberries are ripe. Lucky girls. I wonder how many they'll eat ;). Wow I thought they'd just gorge on them, but it look like they're going to sell them. These 2 are so organised. They even pick the strawberries themselves and price them.

Hmmm I wonder if the man in the car was dangerous. Clever girls for being so careful. And they've made a fortune. What will they do with all the riches?

They put the money in the bank. Very prudent. I'm impressed. ;)

OK I just saw how much I've written and realised I'll have to stop commenting in depth before I annoy you. Sorry, I didn't mean to go on so much. :(

I think this is a lovely story, v sweetly written. The 2 girls are very much at the heart of the story, as is right for the age range. The girls seem bright and adventurous, yet sensible. I think they're great role models + are actually enjoyable/interesting characters to read about. That's not an easy balance to strike. I'm impressed you managed it so well. ;)

I've starred this v highly, and do hope you find an agent for your lovely story soon. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

Strayer,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

Your piece has been seating on my swap list forever so I apologize for that. Sometimes the madness of life, gets in the way.

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a perception followed by perception style were every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

For, it mimics the way children see the world

......and as it does....

......Mara's grace shows.

Some of my favorites:

"bee-yoo-tee-fool"
I adore that one!

"she saw a girl...."
I love using the girl as a third person device to describe Mara
very ingenious

"Mara went inside...."
this whole paragraphs with the repetitions captures a child's delight perfectly

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

You need the landscape shot at the start. That is a visually poetic world that entices the reader into a world he has never seen. It should be told in a moment by moment perception style so that is serves also to introduce Mara's world

I would cut a bit the "Mara's"

"she was so very excited"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he use body language to describe...the reader feels
This is specially true with children that use behavioral modeling rather than abstract language to form a view of the world

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, very endearing

david

Hi Strayer,

Given the age group for which this book is wriiten, I assume it will be a picture book and for a picture book, the chapters, especially the first are rather lengthy.

In the first section you overuse the name (Mara) quite a bit, as you are firmly in her pov at that stage you can use a pronoun instead in most instances.

Later in the chapter, the pov switches about quite a bit but as I'm not a pov writer myself, this didn't unduly worry me, I just mention it in case it's something you want to consider.

You do describe one of the girls as having blond hair, when referring to a female this should be blonde.

Ron

Hi Strayer, I like this story. I'm putting in the rotation for my bookshelf. Thanks for sharing!

I like this! I've read it all. It reminds me a bit of the Josie Smith books by Magdalen Nabb. They're good little stories for young children. Maybe if you write more you could have Mara and Jane falling out and then making up again. I wasn't sure what age group it's meant for, because 3-4 year olds would still be reading picture books normally, wouldn't they?
Highly starred,
Becky x

Strayer,
This is a lovely story for young children. The repetition of the children's names is highly suitable for the age. Repetition is a useful tool in teaching young children to interact with laguage that is read to them and will ultimately encourage them to 'read' the book on their own. High stars.
Valerie

Strayer,
I found your Mara and Jane delightful. Now, inculcating a little fashion sense in young girls is decidedly important, in my opinion. How nice that we begin with barrettes matching Jane's red shirt. Nice touch. But I'm sure your real intention is to charm us with these lovely children, as well as enlighten your youthful readers about relationships and life. Brilliantly done. I see you have some of my favourite books on your shelf. Good writing and good taste. We should do coffee (so to speak). Best wishes. You have a handful of stars from me, dear.
Cheers!
Bea

This is a delightful story, which my kids would have enjoyed having read to them when they were small. It reminds me of the work of Shirley Hughes a master story teller for this age group. I can imagine the illustrations which would accompany this story, it's a shame that they can't be displayed on here. There is some repitition particularly with the children's names, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing as little children soon pick up a story through repitition, and my kids liked to "read" along, long before they could actually read. Best of luck with this.
Babs

Very good story over all! Although I would go in and edit some things to make it a little more "readably" there are several paragraphs that start with "Mara" and other repeated words. Though that is not improper, it is somewhat annoying. Just a thought =) I really did enjoy that story though, will back it next week! 5 stars!

Mara and Jane we are Four.
I think you have portrayed a small child's logic exactly. This sentence sums it up 'Mara wondered if her friend's dad spent all day finding the job.'
The same goes for a small child's perception of the passage of time.
Loved passages where Mara and Jane play with mud. I could imagine their concentrartion, how absorbed they both were.
Mara and Jane in the strawberry business. Once again you score. Children love playing shops. An excellent message about stranger danger, which is demonstrated perfectly.
One Nitpick: For little girls aged four, Mara and Jane seem very sensible, especially about putting their strawberry money in a bank account. Again, an excellent message but surely they wouldn't have thought of this without some prompting fro their respective mothers.

Nanty - Chrys!

This is such a cute, sweet story! :)

However, I do agree with Mr. Fields on one point: many parts are fairly redundant, and many paragraphs begin exactly the same. For example, “the truck,” “the truck,” “Mara, “Mara,” “Mara,” “the girl,” “the girl,” “the girl,” etc. Just watch some of the repetitiveness. When Mara and Jane talk, “said loudly” pops up multiple times, as well as “yelled.”

All in all though, I thought this was really cute! Keep writing! :) -EZ

Strayer,
This book is pleasant to read. I was initially given pause by the fact that many paragraphs began similarly (Mara looked, Mara didn't, Mara didn't, Mara wondered) but then recalled that I know little about children's literature and am imagining that this is an effective way of keeping their attention on the subject. I read the first two chapters with my morning coffee and enjoyed them. Starred highly for now. I also see we favor the same authors. I'm glad you uploaded your work here.
Cheers!
JBCampbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Strayer,
This is a good clear storyline that should work for children. What’s the age range you’re pitching for? That would really determine my response. It’s hard to tell if the chapters are too long unless you’re expecting them to be read to the child. The reading age ranges between 6-8 but, in that range, attention spans differ wildly. Certainly a good book for an adult to read to any child who likes a good story.
Good luck with it.
Pavese.

Hi Strayer
Just to let you know that this is a great Childrens story, and deserves to do well. i have given it 4 stars. Sure there are some minor errors, but hey.
All the best
John

Strayer,

As the father of a four year-old girl, I love MARA and JANE WE ARE FOUR. You have done a marvelous job of creating a text that is accessible to small children yet nuanced enough to make parents laugh and smile. I would not have imagined myself reading "children's books" when I first came to Authonomy, but your work is a true delight.

I caught a typo in Ch. 2. You write, "They made a tons of bricks." I think you need to lose the "a" or make ton singular.

I will read this to my daughter and see how she reacts. I expect she'll be disappointed there are no pictures, but we'll give it a shot. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for the entertainment.

Best,

Rob
(Aralen Dreams)

Simply bee-yoo-tee-fool.
I used to keep the baby alarm to listen in on my two kids when they were playing upstairs, and their secret conversations used to make me grin from ear to ear. You have nailed it completely. The subtle rivalry between the two friends, and the way they interact and repeat things. Gorgeous stuff. I don't think I've ever read such realistic children's conversation.

I am so far past your target market, I wondered if I could read your book. Turns out I read the whole thing. It is a charming children's book, and I can imagine kids listening intently while a parent or older sibling reads it to them aloud. You capture an innocence here that had long since disappeared from my aged psyche, but you managed to revivify it to some small degree. For that I thank you. Good job. I hope you have success placing it.

Best,
Rob

Thank you for putting Twin Fates on your Watch list. Hopefully it can make it to your Book Shelf one day. Until then, I am here to comment on your wonderful children's book. You do an outright amazing job with the dialogue! I am quite impressed really. I have a pair of siblings who are nine-year-old twins. I will definitely shelf this so you get credit and move it to my watch list later so my siblings might listen to me read it. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your book.
~Richard
Twin Fates

This is a delightful children's book! In my opinion, writing from the child's PoV would be terribly difficult, so I commend you for doing it- and doing it well.

Backed with pleasure!
Cori
"Princess"

This is a delightful children's book! In my opinion, writing from the child's PoV would be terribly difficult, so I commend you for doing it- and doing it well.

Backed with pleasure!
Cori
"Princess"

This is a delightful children's book! In my opinion, writing from the child's PoV would be terribly difficult, so I commend you for doing it- and doing it well.

Backed with pleasure!
Cori
"Princess"

This is a delightful children's book! In my opinion, writing from the child's PoV would be terribly difficult, so I commend you for doing it- and doing it well.

Backed with pleasure!
Cori
"Princess"

My 8 year old daughter likes it - sold!

Backed

Clare
A Policeman's Lot

Thanks for backing 'Stolen Birthright'. I've got you on the WL and I will check it out at my earliest convenience.

Brian aka JB. Woods. 'Stolen Birthright'

This is a lovely little book, chock full of the nuance between adult and child speak, and the baffling idiosyncrasies of the english language from a young one's perspective.
It made me smile to myself in lots of places. Mara & Jane remind me so much of my own grandaughter with some of the stuff they come out with. This will stay on my WL to read to her whenever she visits.
Beautifully observed.

Derryl Flynn (Scrapyard Blues)

Your main submission is good & generally well presented, however, I felt that your short pitch would have been better without the dialogue. Your descriptions are vivid & I felt part of the story. Best wishes - Paula Barrett (Cuthbert: How mean is my Valley?)

Hi, thank you for backing LONDON. Still enjoying your read. And I'm NEVER too old for children's books. Way cool!

jim

What a simly lovly piece of writing for children. I think you have a great take on a childs point of view and it excellent. I have no doubt this will be an amasing success.
Amelia

A Date in the Diary

A charming read with only a few minor errors:
'So what if the letters slant downhill.' - you may want to put a question mark in there.
'They both shook their heads no.' may need a comma before no.
I loved the colour, and the short pitch made me really want to read it (yup...big kid!).

Backed,
Dagura

Hi - nice read! Consistent story flow. Good structure. Backed.

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london

This is a charming book, which you have written very bee-oo-tee-fooly. You know how to get into a childs mind, and seem to be comffortable there. I guess its because we are all big kids at heart. The cover is colorful and perfect. Very sweet. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Thank you for backing Adam's Apple, from which I assume you approved, although you don't comment.
Usually I try to avoid children's books. I am now so old I have forgotten what a child looks like. I certainly do not know what a very young child would want to read, but I have a shrewd idea it is what you have produced. On the rare occasions when I am confronted by a children's book I find there is a tendency to over-write and to use inappropriate adult words and phrasing. What I enjoyed about your writing is that it is very simple without being condescending and seems to enter into the child's mind.
For this reason I am happy to back the book, which will no doubt have pictures when published.
Good luck, Leslie Rocker

Nothing I can add in the way of fresh advice so

BACKED

I love the reasoning so pure and simple. You encapsulate childhood brilliantly. It’s quite hard to write from a child’s perspective; usually the adult reasoning slips in and takes over but not in this case. I could happily read this to our younger grandchildren or listen to the older ones read it to me. It’s a lovely story well done.
I small nit I spotted:-
Jane told Maura that she like cars missing a d. from liked
Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – Please spend a moment to take a look