Book Jacket

 

rank 1438
word count 33252
date submitted 08.09.2009
date updated 26.09.2010
genres: Fiction, Chick Lit, Fantasy, Young ...
classification: moderate
complete

Curse of the Golden Fly

Camille Singleton

An ancient curse, a p.m.s.ing teen, an unrequited love, and a quest to save the world.

 

Thousands of years ago, a king of Lower Egypt worshiped the demon of chaos and destruction. With the aid of an artifact, a golden fly, the Grand Vizier betrayed his king and sent him into exile.

The fly finds its way to Lesley, a twelve-year-old girl in present-day Indiana, who unwittingly learns of its magical powers. Will she learn of its curse before it’s too late?

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tags

ancient curse, fantasy, teen issues

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220 comments

 

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Chapters

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Prologue

 

3100 BC

 

 

     The King will kill me!

      Tears ran down his hollow cheeks. His robe clung to his body as he hurried from the royal treasury. His throat tightened when he thought what would be worse than death.  

     The King, in his insurmountable fury, would have him cut into a thousand pieces and devoured by flesh-eating beetles, then he would feed the beetles to a buzzard. The buzzard would be fed to the great crocodile in the Nile, and then he would slaughter the crocodile. As if that wasn’t enough, the King would use the hide of the crocodile to smother the last breath from those of his blood. The name of his family would be erased for all eternity. His loved ones would be pulverized into dust and mixed into mortar that would be used to build the next temple to the demon Apep.

     The Grand Vizier was not a thief by nature.  He was treated very well by the King of Lower Egypt, as his father’s father had been before him.  He had grown up playing in the royal gardens, as had his children; his sweet wife idled away peaceful hours in the fragrant gardens laughing with the King’s many wives.  But that was before the King started worshipping Apep, god of chaos and darkness, the Eater-up of Souls.  That was before the plagues of thunderstorms and earthquakes, before Apep started swallowing Ra during the day, causing their world to fall into darkness.  The only way to stop the corruption of his King was to discover, in advance, what he plotted.  What new horrors would his King bring upon his subjects? The defenders of Ra must be alerted; they would stop the madness and drive Apep back into the Underworld. 

     Hidden within the folds of his robe was an object of solid gold that fit into the palm of his hand.  What made the object so valuable was not the two large flawless rubies embedded within, but the magic it possessed and the ability to betray his King was the greatest power of all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1                                                                                                                             

 2001

     “Samir, I’ll miss you!” Lesley cried. “Promise you’ll write to me. Please, I’ll be lost without you. You’ve been my best friend forever.”  She threw her arms around Samir, then kissed him on the cheek.

     “Geesh, Lesley, everyone is watching!”  He blushed, then gently pushed her away. Best friends don’t kiss.   

      His father said they were going home – to Egypt.  It had hit him hard at first.  Home was here in Indiana.  Here was the only house he had ever lived in.  Here were all his friends and his parents’ friends.  Egypt was in books, not home.  But his grandmother said she was dying and wanted to see the sands of her country again.  

      They still had relatives over . . . there.  Most were successful businessmen and women. They weren’t going to be goat herders or anything.  He wouldn’t be giving up much, just his home – his life. And, of course, Lesley.  Boy, he’d miss her.  

     Lesley teased that he came from a line of kings, but he assured her that his family tree grew from more humble roots.  His grandmother said they came from a line of Grand Viziers, whatever that meant.  He didn’t feel like an Egyptian. He’d been born and raised in Wabash, Indiana, and he felt like an American.

      Lesley said they were going to get married after college, but he had just rolled his eyes. He glanced over at his friend and saw that she had Mike, one of their schoolmates, in a head lock. Through the years, school bullies had made comments about his skin color.  Lesley’s freckles would disappear under a shade of crimson and she would be on them like a rabid badger.   

     The moving van had gone and all that was left to do was pack up Grandma and head for the airport.  Friends had gathered on Samir’s manicured yard to say their last goodbyes.  A grunt broke Samir’s nostalgic thoughts; now Lesley had Mike in a scissors hold and was squeezing the air out of his lungs.

     “Lesley, I have something I want to give to you – a going-away gift.  Lesley!  Do you mind giving your best friend a few minutes?  The best friend who you’re not going to see you for e-v-e-r.”  He added above the moans and grunts, He nudged her with the toe of his tennis shoe. She jumped to her feet, her braids whipping like Medusa’s snakes, and gave Mike a hand up. His face was returning to its normal color. Samir was used to seeing a lot of red faces at school; someone was always taking Lesley on.  

     Mike gasped for air. “All I asked was if I could be her best friend now.”  

     Samir shook his head; he had quit trying to figure out what made her tick.  He nodded toward the treehouse and she followed him.  They had long ago reached a plane of communication that needed few words. Lesley said they were close to total telepathy and if they were ever kidnapped by a UFO, they’d be able to talk to the aliens since they had been honing their skills for so long.  She thought if she concentrated really hard during a test, he would send the answer back to her.  He actually believed it was the grueling hours he spent tutoring her that helped her during a test.  He was destined for academic scholarships while she was destined for athletic.

     Once in the treehouse, he produced a package that was wrapped in a newspaper comic page, tied with twine.  At times like this, he was glad Lesley didn’t like frills. He hadn’t given her many gifts except for her birthday and Christmas, and then it was his mother who had called Lesley’s mom to find out what she wanted.  He had given her flimsy things he had made in art class, which - much to his embarrassment - she proudly displayed in her bedroom.  But he had never given her a real gift.

     She looked up at him with misty eyes and tore into the newspaper like a human shredding machine. She was speechless for a moment when a hint of gold peeked through the wrappings, “Wow!  It’s a golden insect. A fly – I think.  Thank you!  I love it.”  She threw her arms around Samir.

     He waited until he was able to catch a breath of air and until the white dots floating in his vision disappeared. “I wanted to give you something that was part of who I am, and maybe, who I’ll become one day. My grandmother gave it to me and told me never to sell it. It’s been in our family as long as she can remember.”

     She thrust the fly at him. “Then, you can’t give it to me. It has to stay in your family.”

     He took her hand and placed it over his heart. “You are my family.  When we are reunited, you can give it back to me – it’s a loaner.” He rarely saw her cry, but when she did, he knew what was coming.  He took in a big breath to enlarge his ribcage.

     She pounced on him and squeezed, and he really, really knew why it was called a bear hug. She released him with air in his lungs to spare and no broken ribs. He definitely had to keep gifts from the heart to a minimum when it came to Lesley.

     She turned the object around in her hands, taking time to look at it from different angles.  “Do you think it’s real gold?” She breathed on it, then rubbed it briskly with the bottom of her T-shirt.

     He had wondered the same thing when his grandmother gave it to him several years ago. “Nah, my grandmother wouldn’t give me something that valuable.  It’s just a cute knick-knack.”  She was clutching it as if it were valuable.  “But it really did come from Egypt.”

     Lesley looked up at him when he said Egypt. “Wow.”

     He turned the fly over. “Look, there are Egyptian hieroglyphs on its belly.  Grandma doesn’t know what it says, but it definitely doesn’t say ‘Made in China’.”

     She squinted at the writing and said, “Wow” again.

      As she was turning it over, he pointed at where the eyes should have been. “Grandma said the eyes were made from the rarest of rubies.”   

     “Really?”  Her own eyes widened.

     “Well, ah, she’s pretty old.  She probably really doesn’t know for sure.”   Lesley’s enthusiasm over the gift was starting to embarrass him. It really wasn’t that big of a deal.  She could still tell it was a fly by the shape, but it was worn pretty much of detail. At least it hadn’t tarnished over the years; someone must have taken good care of it. He just kept it in his underwear drawer.

     “I bet it came from the Royal Treasury in a king’s palace. It was to be the dowry for the princess.”

     Samir rolled his eyes.  He wanted to say his great-great-great grandmother to the fifth power probably got it from a goat herder at a flea market, but he didn’t want to wreck her imagination.  

     “Did your grandmother say what she thought happened to the rubies?”  

     He hated to say it. “She said the Grand Vizier and his family had to flee Egypt and sold the rubies to pay for their passage.”

     “Really?  The princess had to escape from her evil father and she eloped with the son of the Vizier!”  

     Samir muffled a groan. What the heck – let her dream.  He smiled at his friend.  She had gone back to examining his gift.  He couldn’t wait for the day she would return it to him.  Then they could be together forever.

 

Chapters

1

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SammySutton wrote 653 days ago

Camille,

The story's premise is fascinating.
Lesley is an awesome character. Of course, I'm all about the inner dynamics of the people. and their relationships. You have done a masterful job of creating the relationship between Lesley and Samir. I love it...
It gave me goosebumps.
My second love is antiquities and the fly is creative genius. It is gripping, compelling, and exciting.
I love the sound effects you create, it tickles another sense. The variations in the text catch my attention as I am currently working with a couple of young adults that have mastered dyslexia, but still struggle a bit on a daily basis with it. I have observed the variations of the text on the page helps them tremendously.
The fly buzzing around is an exciting scene.
I love the story. I am going to read more in my breaks today, but since you have been so helpful I wanted to go ahead and make some comments.

Great Story!
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

maryinflorida wrote 928 days ago

Camille,
Your “Curse of the Golden Fly” opens with a short prologue set in 3100BC as a thief in the royal treasury flees with something, valuable for both its rubies and its power to betray the king. The thief knows that if he’s caught, both his future and that of his entire family is doomed to horrible deaths and oblivion.

With Chapter One, the scene shifts to 2001 as Lesley kisses her best friend Samir goodbye. He’s going home to Egypt with his family. All he’s ever known is Indiana, so this is not a welcome move. Relatives who still lived there are successful businessmen, so his life would be urban, just like here, but he’d be leaving Lesley. Grandmother said they came from a line of Grand Viziers but he doesn’t feel Egyptian. Meanwhile, Lesley is wrestling with Mike, another friend, so she’s obviously a tomboy. She didn’t like Mike’s request to be her new best friend. Samir draws her into privacy in the treehouse and gives her a going-away gift - a golden fly. His grandmother gave this family heirloom to him with strict instructions to never sell it. Lesley tries to refuse it but he insists that she can return it when they’re reunited. Neither child thinks it’s real gold, rather it’s just a cute knick knack grandmother brought from Egypt. The ruby eyes are missing, so its value isn’t apparent. Hieroglyphics are written on its belly but no one knows what it says. Lesley fantasizes that it was the dowry for a princess. He says the story went that when the Vizier fled Egypt he sold the rubies to pay for his escape. She’s convinced a princess married the Vizier’s son. Samir longs for the day they’ll be together again.

Chapter Two jumps six years to find Lesley having a difficult time in high school. She in trouble with the principal, but ever the tomboy, bounces her basketball off the wall of her room. She wishes she could be a “fly on the wall,” to find out what her parents are thinking. She’s worried that she won’t make it into the same college as Samir, but her vision blurs and all goes black. When she wakes up, she’s horrified to discover that she’s grown hairy legs and wings like a fly. BZZZZZZZZ – she wants to fly to a mirror but must practice the ability, as it doesn’t come naturally. After practicing, she leaves her room and flies down to find her parents who are discussing her situation. She’s become the proverbial “fly on the wall,” as if her wish came true. Her mother Sally is truly worried – maybe their daughter should be evaluated. Her father Bill is more relaxed. It’s just a phase. He’s astonished when Sally tells him that Lesley has been staying after school for detention for fighting – not to play ball as she’s been telling them. He’s shocked to see doctor and dentist bills from parents of kids she’s knocked around. Sally points out that they know all the people. All of their children are successful – cheerleader, valedictorian, athlete. Lesley is a bully. Bill suddenly reacts and yells for Lesley to get downstairs. She’s startled and flies away from her perch on the lampshade. Sally goes to get the flyswatter as Lesley flees up the stairs back into her room. Landing on her pillow, she wishes she were a kid again, and all goes black.

You created an interesting sympathetic character in Lesley, and those around her are well-suited to their rolls. Natural dialog and clever story line. I’ll move this to my bookshelf.
Mary

ginafire wrote 927 days ago

I've just read through chapter 5 and am dying to keep going but for now, its on my shelf. At first I thought, hmmm, The Fly meets The Metamorphosis meets...a really well written young adult book. Then I realized where you were going with this and the first two references fell away to leave a book with great insight into the young person's mind, very funny, very creative, and a real page turner. Best of luck with this; I think it's a winner!
Georgina - The Time Baroness
(oh, there's an odd typo I think in Ch. 4. A couple of 3/4 marks randomly placed. You might want to check.)

SPW wrote 605 days ago

Wow indeed! A very well written and exciting book.
This deserves to go far!

Backed.
Simon,
Yuko Zen is Somewhere Else.

nenno wrote 605 days ago

Nitpicking. Tears rand down his hollow cheeks. Dead giveaway. First time writers and draft under no 10, and you write this way, hollow cheeks, golden blond hair, full red lips... Get where I am going with this. Good rule someone gave me - count all the adjectives and then eliminate 80 percent. Then if it still doesn't appeal, lost it. As in, writing should stand up without flowery adjectives, adverbs.

Then he would feed the beetles to a buzzard - the POV is not clear... Twine seems an olde worlde word for the theme. In all seems a fun read and will find its target. BFP Four Better Four Worse

C W Bigelow wrote 605 days ago

Camille, being a big fan of ancient Egypt lore, this caught my eye. You've created a unique, fun filled tale the middle grades will take to. Backed with pleasure. CW (To Save the Sun)

Lynne Ellison wrote 606 days ago

very enchanting- reminiscent of the books I used to read when I was young

Lynne Ellison


The Green Bronze Mirror

Cariad wrote 613 days ago

'The King in his insurmountable fury would...' that paragraph is brilliant. Insurmountable fury indeed. I love the pitch for this book. The idea of this moving through time to the present day (popular with readers, too.) I'm off to bed so have had to watchlist a few promising reads tonight (yours too) as I like to comment properly when I've read more than one chapter. However, I had to just say how much I enjoyed this first one.
Polly
STONES.

Andy M. Potter wrote 615 days ago

Hi Camille. great fictional conceit + strong writing. a fine mix of description, introspection and action.
happily on my shelf.
no quibbles here. a thoroughly enjoyable read.
very best, andy

name falied moderation wrote 615 days ago

Dear Camille

you asked me to look at your book and back, well I have done one further READ oh WOW. you have a gift. This is a captivating read, your characters grabbed me and they would not let me go. actually i did not want them to either. Your ability to paint with words is an ability I wish I had congrats ON A WELL CRAFTED BOOK.

Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also

The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

Glenn_Johnstone wrote 616 days ago

This story engaged me from the start and I have now read the first 4 chapters. The flow is great, the characterization for Lesley and her Mum are great, and as for turning into a fly .... nice!

This is one of those books on Authonomy that I will keep reading. Love the story so backed!

Best wishes - Glenn (Darkling Child)

Eunice Attwood wrote 618 days ago

A very gory but descriptive opening. I like your character, and you made Lesley come alive with your writing style.
A genuine talent is at work here. Well done. Eunice - The Temple dancer.

Kelvin O'Ralph wrote 625 days ago

The hook is inviting. Your writing also drew me to read more chapters. However, there needs to be a bit tweaking needed. After an Ellipse, I don't think there should be a capital letter. However, I do think the ellipse wasn't meant to be used. Still, I love your work.

BACKED
Kelvin
ICIRE: The Rebirth

lionel25 wrote 625 days ago

Good work on the prologue and first chapter.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Sarah King wrote 625 days ago

An interesting premise and very well written. Already backed.

lizjrnm wrote 626 days ago

A unique novel- easy to back for gifted imagination and talented writing.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

S.C. Thompson wrote 627 days ago


THE KING WILL KILL ME!
First: Best first line of a book I'VE read in a long time!
Second: Best Title for a YA adventure yet!
Third: Great storyline and just the right amount of irreverence in the narrative for kids.
Fourth: WONDERFUL cover!
Fifth to Infinity: A winner.
sc

Ferret wrote 627 days ago

An interesting opening. Backed

hikey wrote 629 days ago

Good opening that pulled me in from the outset. A nicely crafted and skillfully written young adult novel that is highly enjoyable.
Jane

NuWorldMan wrote 630 days ago

This is an excellent story with a good premise. I really like your casual style of writing and story flow. The characters are very believable and well done. All in all, a great YA book. My only minor criticism is I found the girl turning into a fly a little corny, but again, most young readers will find it exciting and interesting. I predict you will find a publisher and do well with this story - particularly with such a catchy title.

Best of luck,

Thomas Albert-Seeing Stone

Leigh Michaels wrote 631 days ago

I have to say, I wasn't sure after reading the pitch if this would be something I would enjoy or not. I'm really glad I started reading it, because it's great! Very well-written, and great descriptions and excellent dialogue make a perfect foundation for this wonderful story. Backed with pleasure, and it will be staying on my watch list so that I can read more!

Leigh Michaels wrote 631 days ago

I have to say, I wasn't sure after reading the pitch if this would be something I would enjoy or not. I'm really glad I started reading it, because it's great! Very well-written, great descriptions, and excellent dialogue make a perfect foundation for this wonderful story. Backed with pleasure, and it will be staying on my watch list so that I can read more!

nsllee wrote 631 days ago

Hi Camille

Cracking opening - funny, dramatic, beautifully written. Lots of potential. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

kwestion wrote 631 days ago

This is real, fast flowing fun! Lesley is a very interesting character and I love that she's not entirely likeable, that it unfolds that she's actually a bully that other kids are afraid of, and the encounters at school are really well written and funny. Well done.

Definitely backed.
K
Nick Keen's Guide to Ghost Cleaning

name falied moderation wrote 632 days ago

Dear Camille

It is so good to see that your book was well received. I have already commented and backed your book, and as at times the backing have not shown, i will back your again, just to MAKE SURE.
I do wish you the very best with your writing

Denise
The Letter

LL Rook wrote 632 days ago

I have to admit, when I got into chapter one I wasn't quite sure what angle you were working. But now, half way into four because you haven't yet lost my interest I think I can validly sy you've got quite an adventure on your hands.

Good luck with this!

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 632 days ago

This mixture of genres, disciplines and historical periods really works. This is fascinating and it will appeal across a broad age group. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

DMR wrote 632 days ago

The first chapter was immediately intriguing, and so of course I had to move on to the next chapter - and the next - the pace is really good, and I felt it easy to identify with Lesley as one of your main characters.. very well done - Backed !
Diane
Good Blood

maxie wrote 632 days ago

Hi Camille,

I loved your prologue it made me smile as I read it, and I equally loved your opening chapter, you write with great wit and humour, Lesley and Samir are great characters, and I look forward to reading more about their burgeoning romance. I liked your title, it drew me in straight away and the significance of the golden fly comes to light in the second chapter as Lesley`s abilities come to light. This is a unique piece of writing, full of vivid imagery, intriguing characters and thrilling scenes, I`m sure that your target audience will love it...Backed with pleasure.

Good luck,
Cerys (Bradan)

William Roberts wrote 633 days ago

Camille
Imaginative, interesting and well-written, your book should certainly appeal to iits intended YA audience.
Backed.
Regards
William (The Caves of Caerdraig)

scrapper2675 wrote 634 days ago

This is very nicely written and interesting! I like the bit in the first, very intriguing, gave me chills! Backed with pleasure!
Christi Watson
Wonder- Heart of Captivation- A Thief of Life Series

CarolinaAl wrote 635 days ago

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness. Other than that, this is an enthralling fantasy with interesting and well fleshed out characters. Lovely descriptions. Compelling narrative. Fresh dialogue. Your storyline is magical. Smooth writing. A delight to read. Backed.

Bocri wrote 635 days ago

24 August 2010
I enjoyed reading Curse of the Golden Fly because of its freshness and unaffected approach. The apprehensions of the Grand Vizier in ancient Egypt are graphically described and give the background to the title with efficient economy. Flash forward to the New World and the plot is set in motion with credibility and the reader's belief is effortlessly suspended. I delved into the book several chapters on and found the quality of the work to be consistent and entertaining. One small observation -- Young Adult might be more fitting for this MS as opposed to Chick Lit but as an old codger…. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

lisawb wrote 635 days ago

A fascinating concept and tale, the relationship between Samir and Lesley is to be admired, and your fantasy world is rich in creativity and imagination. Lesley is quite a character and this makes it a captivating read.

backed,

Lisa

elaine black wrote 636 days ago

We have all wanted to be a fly on the wall. I love the Samir character and of course Lesley. I'm wondering if the past will be relevant to the future in this one. Congrats and great work, Camille.

Regards, Christine Elaine Black

Joanna Carter wrote 640 days ago

This is terrific! I love your premise and your MC and I can't wait to read more. On my shelf.
Joanna
Fossil Farm

Silver_Eyes wrote 640 days ago

I loved it!! I never read past a couple chapters on most of the books here simply because reading from the computer gives me a headache. But I got all the way to seven before I couldn't stand the pulsing of my head anymore!! The story's riveting. It's fun and perfect for the age range.

I love Lesley. She's the kind of girl who would run up to you and tackle ya to the floor. Again, love her! The relationship is so adorable between her and Samir (I'm kind of hoping that whipped-cream head isn't going to ruin it. Although, if you get me to like him more, I may change my mind).

Thank you so much for sharing this exciting tale. Backed for sure and with pleasure!!

Laura
"Jhevalia"

Colin Normanshaw wrote 641 days ago

Happy to back this. Colin

bluegirl09 wrote 641 days ago

Fantastic YA fantasy. Engrossing and beautifully written. The prose flows beautifully, and the dialogue is natural and perfect. The prologue is a perfect introduction to the plot, and Lesley is a great MC! A fantastic ms that definitely deserves to be published!

Good Luck!

Selena Hallahan - 'With Teeth'

CamilleS wrote 642 days ago


PMSing - Hmm, if you have daughters, it's the one time of the month that you have to enter their bedrooms with a whip and chair (a loaded gun wouldn't hurt!).

Hi
Your story unfolds well and the mystery deepens as I read on. It has all the ingredients of a great story. Great characterisations with Lesley and Samir. You create tension well. Take care not to switch POV in one scene.
Just a few nits below...
Chapt 2 'Bill looked....' POV with Bill. This weakens the scene.
Chapt 3 'Sally didn't want to start...' POV with Sally. This weakens the scene.
What is 'pmsing'?
'The nervy girl...' This is telling not showing.
Backed.
A return read and comment would be appreciated.
Cheers Olga

olga wrote 642 days ago

Hi
Your story unfolds well and the mystery deepens as I read on. It has all the ingredients of a great story. Great characterisations with Lesley and Samir. You create tension well. Take care not to switch POV in one scene.
Just a few nits below...
Chapt 2 'Bill looked....' POV with Bill. This weakens the scene.
Chapt 3 'Sally didn't want to start...' POV with Sally. This weakens the scene.
What is 'pmsing'?
'The nervy girl...' This is telling not showing.
Backed.
A return read and comment would be appreciated.
Cheers Olga

mvw888 wrote 643 days ago

Everything is on the up-and-up here. A great story, vivid descriptions, a good pace and interesting characters. nothing to critique, really. Wonderfully and intelligently written for YA, which is a delight to see. I'm of the faith that even YAs can exercise their vocabulary. Well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Chipper10 wrote 647 days ago

Very good begining and style. You have chosen your genre well. Backed.

I invite you to read or comment Dreams Come True: A Story About Taylor Swift.

God Bless,
Chipper

Eric Laing wrote 648 days ago

Camille,

This is just superb. I love the opening wherein you detail the thief's extravagant demise at the king's decree. Very cute. Would it not be Pharaoh, though, as opposed to king?

Your writing is polished and flows well. I found no problems whatsoever to make any suggestions. Sorry, I'm just no damn help. Suck a little I might can help you out. This is looking to be a solid YA and I bet you'll do well with it.

Oh, one nit. That's no fly on your cover. See my second book to see why I say that. :)

Thanks for a good read and all the best with it.

Eric

Scott Toney wrote 648 days ago

Camille S,

I read your first chapter and it's a pretty good read. I like the premise and where the story is going. I'm a big fan of description and I think that you could add some more into your work, atleast in the first chapter, to make the world come more alive for your reader. The prologue reads too quick for me but the actual first chapter reads better and your characters are entertaining and well done.
I wish you the best of luck in your writing!
Have a great day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Owen Quinn wrote 648 days ago

Great character in Lesley and she is smack dab in the middle of a well crafted story that is burned in my head as a movie. You use classic elements to great effect and we thunder along this story. Excellent.

drachat wrote 648 days ago

Hello,

What an interesting premise. Very different; I like it. Everyone has said at one time "I wish I was a fly on the wall" Great! Your writing is clean and descriptive and worthy of my backing

Denise

Mooderino wrote 649 days ago

The writing feels polished and reads well. The pace is good and characters are well drawn. Didn't spot any obvious typos or errors.

The story starts well, moves quickly from Egypt to America and Lesley is a very engaging if odd girl. Certainly no stereotypical characters here. You bring an anmusing tone to proceeedings that I enjoyed.

At this point (I read three chapters) I wasn't sure exactly what the fly's powers are. She wished to be a fly, and the figurine is of a fly, but I wasn't sure if that was a coincidence or not. I guess it becomes clear later.

An original and well presented premise, overall a fun read. Backed.

name falied moderation wrote 649 days ago

Dear Camille
wow have finished reading and this is a wonderful fantasy that you have created to feel very real. CONGRATS. your characters play in my head like they belong however they need to leave not\w, nope they wont. well what do you expect when characters are so animated...loved it well done
I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

eurodan49 wrote 650 days ago

Your opener is corect, as it gives the reader a glimpse into the past. Shoert and sweet.
When you bring the reader to modern times you do a good job at narration and a better one with dialogue.
You've got my backing.
Ps. Would appreciate you looking at TO KILL A DEAD MAN

Andrew Burans wrote 650 days ago

You have crafted a most intesting storyline and I like your use of foreshadowing in the Prologue. You make excellent use of imagery, your character development of Lesley is well done and your use of short paragraphs coupled with crisp, realistic dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. All of this coupled with your descriptive writing style ensures that your fantasy will have a broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

andrew skaife wrote 652 days ago

An excellent piece of writing

BACKED

Su Dan wrote 652 days ago

good story; interesting, and creative. you keep our interest all the way...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...