Book Jacket

 

rank 5390 (+100)
word count 13989
date submitted 03.09.2008
date updated 10.02.2009
genres: Fiction, Comedy
classification: moderate
incomplete

Sausages

Simon J. James

 

A Priest in his last chance Parish transforms his life with the chance discovery of a wondrous 'drug'. The consequences become strange as supply diminishes.

 

Father Tregarrick has a saintly heart and a burning desire to fulfil what he believes to be his calling in life; to be the best Priest he has always envisaged he could be.

After a series of botched and clumsy attempts with hasty exits at various parishes, he gets his last chance in a small English village. At first it all goes wrong, as usual, until he encounters an incredible ‘drug’ at the village fair that seemingly fuels his ambitions and transforms him into everything he's ever wanted to be. The next few weeks are the happiest of his life but gradually the source of his new found confidence becomes sparse and his reliance is exposed through series of more and more desperate attempts to fuel his need.

On the outside, the beautiful village of Lower Rhetskill, seems to be a vision of idyllic, picture postcard England. However, as Tregarrick descends deeper and deeper into addiction the layers begin to peel away revealing the village folk hide much darker truths than their appearance suggests.

 
 

tags

addiction, dark comedy, humour, preist, religon

on 4 bookshelves

on 4 watchlists

35 comments

 

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K. Howard Bell wrote 681 days ago

Just had time for the first chapter, but so far absolutely loving it. Its a little jittery at the start (there's some repitition with the word "sound" in the second paragraph and you write "the hall the hall" at one point) but after that its lovely. The scene in the bathroom is brilliant! And just a few thousand words in and you've already got me loving Tregarrick. There's something so sweet and funny about him saying quietly to himself "Just like Jesus".

You might want to chop Chapter 2 up a little. Just had a peek then and it was, frankly, intimidating. Still, I'll have a go and see how far I get. Excellent work so far.

K

4dprefect wrote 685 days ago

Very funny. Smartly observed, great characters and terrific sense of humour. I was slightly thrown by the use of floorboards twice in relatively swift succession in the first para and some of the paras are quite long and look slightly daunting (although more pronounced an effect on screen, I think). That said, a couple of people have cited my tendency towards short paras, so feel free to disregard that! Anyway, I like this - vegetarianism no obstacle to my enjoyment, as you said - and I can't believe this is on zero bookshelves. I'm going to rotate something off to make room for this - albeit temporarily - so you may still be on zero bookshelves but by golly you're ranking will have gotten a well deserved boost.

Eunice Attwood wrote 5 days ago

Very funny. I thought I'd arrived a Craggy Island and Father Ted, or Dougal, would burst into the room, followed closely by Mrs Doyle, cucumber sandwiches, and a pot of tea. (Of course - if you aren't located somewhere in Britain, you won't have a clue who I'm talking about).
Brilliantly written, very irreverent, and quite delightful - at least that's how I see chapter one. I will read more later. Backed with great, great, pleasure. We need more of this type of story.
Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Nick Poole2 wrote 195 days ago

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Kolro wrote 582 days ago

Tregarrick reminds me of Frank Spencer, but Catholic. Despite some spelling mistake this shows potential. The part about feeding the pensioner made me laugh. As did the toilet attendant removing the trousers. Good show.

William F. Aicher wrote 643 days ago

This is quite an interesting start, although I must echo the comments that I've seen posted already - definitely could use an edit. Also, I personally write very short chapters, so this could just be my preference, but Chapter One in particular seems very long. I feel like there is just a lot of information being thrown at me for so early in the book, and I'd like to get more of a hook right off the bat. But again, this may just be personal preference.

tadhgfan wrote 663 days ago

Typo… as (THEY) failed to remain silent…

Made me chuckle right off. I liked the feet continuing to make noise as of their own accord…lol… actually, as I went on there are too many little one liners that made me smile. This is a very witty tale. Tregarrick is a likable man. :) (him and his dirty little winkle…lol) he sounds lonely…“Reality not being a happy place” was a phrase you used that made me think of the reason “Escaping Reality” was written (hehe) …And the way things just seem to ‘happen’ around him reminds me much of myself. I am always saying the wrong thing or ending up in the wrong place, and I would definitely have been the one to step on a man’s hand right before he passed out! This is great. I will read more and then right a REVIEW ON MY THREAD. You are a very good writer!
--as a side note: the amount of male authors righting about penises on authonomy amazes me--
Gina

JAK wrote 669 days ago

Hi! what a great idea. I wanted more as I only felt that I was getting into this as i neared the end of the portion which you've posted. I was pretty sure this was going to have a good bite to it from the scene in the toilet and i was right. This has almost no unfunny moments- the Bishop is a wonderful creation. There's great slapstick narration throughout. This great strength may also become a wekness as the ms. progresses- it's hard to tell but I am slightly concerned that the incidents may be too one after an other for a strong narration to develop. However, that's foolish speculation- what's here is very good fun and I enjoyed it greatly.
I need to take a good look at my revolving bookshelf so i can find you a space.
All the best,
Jak

Simon J. James wrote 670 days ago

@ JAK : Thanks very much.

Simon J. James wrote 670 days ago

@ Richard P-S : Really apprecaite your comments sir, many thanks. I agree that it needs a great big edit and am endevouring to do that. I'm finding that my style is seriously changing with the comments I'm getting on here. I'm thinking in more pared down sentences and shorter descriptions (when I can, I am still tempted to drone on occaision). Will take on board what you wrote though, hopefully you can come back for more at some point.

Simon J. James wrote 670 days ago

@ vicadia : Thanks so much for your comments, especially as this isn't your usual bag. I will strive on and will shamelessly plug it when I have reshaped the 2nd chapter. Thanks for your encouragement.

Windy Two Rivers wrote 670 days ago

Simon,
I really ejoyed your feedback and suggestions. You have given me much to ponder. Thank you. I have already watchlisted you and will have a peek just as soon as I can. Thanks.

Christy

Simon J. James wrote 670 days ago

@fiamma : I know what you mean about the words. Thing is, I LOVE words and can't get enough of them, I'm trying my damnedest to pare is down some more but struggling. I get the feeling I should be striving on rather than retracing my steps again. More to come from me though.

Simon J. James wrote 670 days ago

@ Ginger : I reshaped the first chapter and am in the process of splitting out the second into a three. I take your meaning though, needs more editing and sharpening up. Thanks for your comments though.

JAK wrote 671 days ago

From the pitch,this looks great. Watchlisting for tomorrow.

Richard P-S wrote 671 days ago

Dear Simon, this is funny but it needs a great big edit. I don't think editors or readers would get past the first few paragraphs at the moment, because it seriously jars in places. If you don't mind, I've pasted below my take on how the first few paras could be made to flow; if you hate it just tell me to feck off. The blurb's great, and I wish you luck.

R

The ancient floorboards creaked under Father Tregarrick’s shoes as he walked towards the sweeping staircase that led to Bishop Marney’s private office. Interrupted, Tregarrick stopped, looked down and focussed an accusing stare at his wooden tormentors.

“Why am I here, again?” he asked himself. The echo gave him the answer he knew already.

Tregarrick crept on and sighed as the boards refused to return to silence. He forced himself to climb up the stairs and came to a halt outside the door of the bishop’s office. He knocked, and willed his knock to convey, through the door, an apology, and waited for acknowledgement from within.

He looked at his shoes again, and began to shift his weight from foot to foot. The floor groaned intermittently as the pressure changed with every move. The boards wheezed like an old man after he had run for the bus – and missed it.

Ginger wrote 678 days ago

Well, this is an odd piece of writing, but in all the right ways. This has a very surreal fee to it - how else can the bathroom scene be explained?! I think this would benefit from a damn good edit, as you have a gem of a book hidden under a few confusing passages, a bit of repetition, and over use of the word 'was'.
Lisa

Simon J. James wrote 680 days ago

@ Alexander - Thanks very much, I am in the middle of redrafting the first chapter and will be restructuring the next 2 to allow the "show don't tell" to become more prevalent. The descriptive have their place but the best bits are organic.

@ yaasehshalom - Cheers!

@ Jack Fist - Thanks, I'm actually reading yours at the moment

@ K. Howard Bell - An author's name if ever I heard one. Thanks, I take your point about chapter 2, I got carried away with it a bit, but will spread it, and a new bit, across 3 newly structured chapters very soon.

K. Howard Bell wrote 681 days ago

Just had time for the first chapter, but so far absolutely loving it. Its a little jittery at the start (there's some repitition with the word "sound" in the second paragraph and you write "the hall the hall" at one point) but after that its lovely. The scene in the bathroom is brilliant! And just a few thousand words in and you've already got me loving Tregarrick. There's something so sweet and funny about him saying quietly to himself "Just like Jesus".

You might want to chop Chapter 2 up a little. Just had a peek then and it was, frankly, intimidating. Still, I'll have a go and see how far I get. Excellent work so far.

K

Jack Fist wrote 682 days ago

Hi Simon.
Read 'Sausages' this afternoon and found it extremely funny. I don't think it needs as big an edit as some of the other comments you have suggest, although I do think it needs a thorough read through to correct just one or two tpyos/ bits of grammar. One thing that did stick out for me was that in chapter 1 it is very funny and an easy read both at the start and at the end, but in the middle there is a big chunk where it slows down and gets quite ponderous. This is where Tregarrick has a spell of introspection, where there is a chunk of description of him and where you fill in a bit of back story about previous parishes and parishoners walking 75 miles to the Bishop's mansion. It is also noticeable that the paragraphs get much longer here and you switch from show to tell. It slows down the writing and the flow quite a bit. I think you need to split these 3 elements up rather than have them all together. Parts of your writing are really descriptive - e.g. the particles of dust in the air, lit by the sun through the stained glass window, which I liked. My favourite bit has to be Tregarrick punching the arm off his chair when he gets his hand stuck in his pocket.
Good luck with this. Its funny enough to go on my bookshelf for the time being - although if you want to stay there you probably need to tweak it a little bit, but more importantly - I'd like to read some more of it.
Regards......................................Jack.

yaasehshalom wrote 682 days ago

on my watchlist - will start reading it tomorrow!

Simon J. James wrote 685 days ago

@ Mr Floyd - No worries at all, I wanted to read it and actually got a bit of time in work to give it a going over, so be prepared for comments soon!

@MockingBird - It becomes distinctly wierder at the book progresses.....

Simon

Mockingbird wrote 685 days ago

Distinctly weird..... love it......

David Floyd wrote 685 days ago

Hello again again -

I noticed another shelving and thought it might have been you. Thanks for bookshelving, but it _genuinely_ wasn't my intention to fish for a backing. I'm finding the whole 'game' aspect of this website a little uncomfortable and have questioned others' intentions at times - but I honestly only stopped by again 'cos I thought you might have been discouraged.

I would love your feedback, but that's because I reckon you'd be in the target audience I perceive for my MS - and please only back if you genuinely want to.

But thanks,

david

David Floyd wrote 685 days ago

Hello again -

I stopped by again as I saw you're plugging on the forum, and because I felt like a bit of an arse only having your book on my shelf for a day or two. I've since been learning that some others do this a lot - I don't generally, but I had my reasons. Nonetheless, I felt like an arse sending you back to 0 bookshelves.

Anyhow, my main point is that I'm glad to see you're plugging and generating some interest. I reckon you have the imagination to produce something very good - you just need to work on the method and delivery. I'm in the same boat and I have genuinely found some of the feedback I've received here extremely useful - and have redrafted chapters heavily since joining the site.

david

Simon J. James wrote 685 days ago

@ Mr House - Thanks! I think that I probably am a little over elaborate in terms of the length and complexity of the sentence structure sometimes. I think it will aid the 'show, don't tell' comments if I tone it down just a little. Fair enough on the basic errors, the weekend will see a new draft hopefully.

@ KeefieBoy - I appreciate your comments and will work to win you over!

@ 4dperfect - Thanks for your lovely comments, I read them in a pub over a beer, so promptly ordered another one! I am tending towards shorter paragraphs and sentences so the next draft may entice you even further towards my draft. Thanks for the ratings boost AND an actual real boost to my day.

4dprefect wrote 685 days ago

Very funny. Smartly observed, great characters and terrific sense of humour. I was slightly thrown by the use of floorboards twice in relatively swift succession in the first para and some of the paras are quite long and look slightly daunting (although more pronounced an effect on screen, I think). That said, a couple of people have cited my tendency towards short paras, so feel free to disregard that! Anyway, I like this - vegetarianism no obstacle to my enjoyment, as you said - and I can't believe this is on zero bookshelves. I'm going to rotate something off to make room for this - albeit temporarily - so you may still be on zero bookshelves but by golly you're ranking will have gotten a well deserved boost.

Keefieboy wrote 686 days ago

Hi Simon. The title grabbed me (and your plugging in the forum), But the first paragraph didn't. It's been mentioned by other commenters, but 'familiarly, disappointedly, apologetically' all jumped out at me in the first four sentences. I'll definitely come back to it when you upload the next draft.

paul house wrote 687 days ago

I wouldn't touch the -ly words, but it is very much a matter of taste. The tendency these days is towards the bare (and I don't mean naked), but that doesn't mean it's right. If you were to pare down your writing you would lose what is an exceptionally good voice. Well, that's what I think anyway. For the time being, onto my watchlist till I have time to read some more. (It has, I think, been pointed out that there are some obvious typing errors).

Simon J. James wrote 687 days ago

Olga, thanks for your comments. I like the attendant because of his demeanour and the obvious outrageousness of his position. He is obsessed with hygiene so imposes his belief on the users of his facility by any means he knows how. I doubt Tregarrick was the first!

Simon

olga wrote 687 days ago

Hi

This has the bones of a great story. Great characterisations with Tregarrick. I would suggest removing some of the ly words. Also, there too much telling and not showing. This still needs more editing to make it shine.

I get the idea that the lavatory attendant gets his kicks from shaking mens appendages. I'm surprised he's not been dismissed. Maybe the men submit to it and get kinky thrills from the rough handling.

Olga

Good luck with this.

Olga

Simon J. James wrote 687 days ago

Don't worry Mr floyd, you still have brilliant trousers. Not to worry on the bookshelf thing, I understand where you're coming from.

I will be persisting with the book, not sure what direction I will be taking with the first chapter but I sense it could do with a major restructure.

I was RC, and a Celtic flavour too (Welsh) and this is a certain amount of writing what I know but the actual story arc gets a lot darker than my expereince. I think you are right to tell me to keep it RC, this will allow me to use this mechanic to tell a lot more of the character's quirks naturally,

I shall be reading your stuff as soon as I can to pay back some of your kindness.

Cheers mate,

Simon

David Floyd wrote 693 days ago

Hey Simon -

I've reshuffled my bookshelf and I'm afraid Sausages got sacrificed, for now. I'll forgive you if you think my trousers are no longer so brilliant.

I haven't spent much time in the forum, but I've tended to read the work of people with an interesting turn of phrase and who amused me - and that's why I read Sausages. My own MS's lowly position in the rankings suggests I'm hardly an expert, but I _definitely_ reckon you should persist. I've watchlisted it and the only reason I sacrificed it for now is that it needs work (or more than the other books I wanted to shelve). Let me know when you've edited and I will come back.

I suspected you were RC. Catholics, esp. Irish Catholics, have an obsession with the peculiarities of their faith. But people appreciate this ('Father Ted' vs 'Vicar of Dibley'). "Write what you know" is another maxim that I think is overused, but I think that it would be huge, _huge_, HUGE error to convert your central character to CoE. You're familiar with Catholicism and I doubt that a story about a clergyman of a religion you're less familiar with would ring as true. Moreover, Catholicism holds a place in the public imagination that suits your story, whereas CoE does not. I still think a small backstory on the diocese being a RC stronghold for some reason - however spurious - will be enough to make the reader overlook the slight incongruity of the English village not being predominantly Anglican.

When you're published I'll expect a profuse thank you in the acknowledgments for saving you from making this mistake.

Re: character setting. I'm _really_ struggling with that too. A couple of comments I've had referred to the extensive "backstory dumps", so at the moment I'm extensively redrafting my opening chapters to expunge them insofar as possible. My point is – I think it's a common problem.

david

Simon J. James wrote 695 days ago

Hello there Mr Floyd,

Thanks very much for your comments, I really appreciate them.

I agree with Lexi and your comments in regards to show don't tell. I've always struggling with the explicit character setting at the start of the story. I think I will chop some in and out and take it from there.

The RC vs Anglican is a great spot and something I've wrestled with for a while. I come from a Catholic back ground so I was going to write what I know. However, your good self and some other have pointed out that England is predominately a CoE country with far more communities based around CoE churches. I have the opportunity to go to a church and talk to a preist about his day to day stuff and reporting lines etc. I think I will make this change.

The typos are rubbish and very amateurish but I needed to know that it was worth going on, I was losing faith a little bit.

Thanks David, you're a beauifully trousered, valiant Knight of man

SJJ

David Floyd wrote 695 days ago

Hey – I really like the premise and the style of this. There are some very nice touches in the writing that made me smile regularly.

I have a few comments, but please bear in mind I’m only bothered making them because I like your work.

While I think the ‘show don’t tell’ mantra is often cracked out too readily, I would agree with to some extent with Lexi in this case. The opening chapter errs a little too much on telling me about Tregarrick’s background and clumsiness rather than showing it.

A small point – everybody seems to be Roman Catholic, whereas my own impression of small-town England is that it is predominantly Anglican. It’s not a huge issue, but personally I would introduce a small backstory (probably no more than a para) as to why Bishop Marney’s diocese is such a RC stronghold.

The Pedantic Bit. The typos will put many readers off – I’d recommend you spend some time proofing. Personally, I found the slightly random capitalisation quite off-putting, especially of the words ‘Parish’ and ‘Priest’. I don’t see why either should be capitalised. (On that note, please change the start of your short brief to read “A priest in his last-chance parish ...”) Finally, I find numerals in text irritating (“45 seconds”, “50% of the pubs”, “10 years”) and would personally replace with words.

All that said, it kept me interested and made me smile, so I’m bookshelving it.

david

Simon J. James wrote 696 days ago

Thank you ever so much Lexi, I really appreciate it.

Apologies for the 'first draft'-iness of it all but I really needed a fillip to get me going again, some real constructive criticism to give me some much needed momentum.

The Lavatory attendant is a mechanic to highlight the submissiveness of Tregarrick's character, I thought I could get away with it as he is housed in a Bishop's residence and would only ever encounter men of God!!

Lexi wrote 696 days ago

Tregarrick is a great character; I’d have liked you to tell me less about him, and show him relating to others more, well though you tell it. If you show us, as you do, Tregarrick slipping into a dream, you can skip telling us this is what he does. Trust the reader. You could with advantage cut quite a lot of this.

You made me laugh out loud when the Bishop’s visitor emerged…this whole incident is very funny and well written.

I was surprised at the lavatory attendant. I’d have thought he’d have been beaten up fairly soon after he fell into the habit of criticizing his clientele.

[There are a few typos, word echoes and missing words you would notice with a read-through, preferably aloud.]

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