Book Jacket

 

rank 2209
word count 13989
date submitted 03.09.2008
date updated 10.02.2009
genres: Fiction, Comedy
classification: moderate
incomplete

Sausages

Simon J. James

A Priest in his last chance Parish transforms his life with the chance discovery of a wondrous 'drug'. The consequences become strange as supply diminishes.

 

Father Tregarrick has a saintly heart and a burning desire to fulfil what he believes to be his calling in life; to be the best Priest he has always envisaged he could be.

After a series of botched and clumsy attempts with hasty exits at various parishes, he gets his last chance in a small English village. At first it all goes wrong, as usual, until he encounters an incredible ‘drug’ at the village fair that seemingly fuels his ambitions and transforms him into everything he's ever wanted to be. The next few weeks are the happiest of his life but gradually the source of his new found confidence becomes sparse and his reliance is exposed through series of more and more desperate attempts to fuel his need.

On the outside, the beautiful village of Lower Rhetskill, seems to be a vision of idyllic, picture postcard England. However, as Tregarrick descends deeper and deeper into addiction the layers begin to peel away revealing the village folk hide much darker truths than their appearance suggests.

 
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tags

addiction, dark comedy, humour, preist, religon

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Foreword

The sound of the ancient floorboards creaked, jarring Father Tregarrick as he walked towards the sweeping staircase that led to the Bishop Marney’s private office. He stopped, looked down and focussed an accusing stare at his wooden tormentors.

“Why am I here again?” he thought, but he knew the answer.

He crept on and sighed as failed to remain silent.  He climbed the stairs and reached the door of the office. Tregarrick knocked with the intention of attempting to convey an apology through knocking and waited for acknowledgement from within.

 

He looked at his feet again and began to shift his weight from foot to foot making the floor groan intermittently under the changing pressure. The sounds emitted made the boards sound like they were wheezing like an old man after he had run for a busAudible indications of papers being shuffled and people moving around inside the room suggested Tregarrick should prepare himself. He then made out a vague bellowed instruction to do something but couldn’t quite understand what he was being asked to do. Not wanting to do the wrong thing, he knocked the door again whilst cocking his head in an inquisitive manner to gain clarity. Unfortunately, Tregarrick was still shifting from foot to foot making the wheezing noise when Bishop Marney swung the door open with a violent flourish and spoke with a clipped menace.

“I said, wait there and don’t move a fecking inch.”

Tregarrick stared at him with wide-eyed obedience. This obedience, however, was not shared by his feet which were still merrily creaking away independent of Tregarrick’s instinct and internal instruction to remain completely still. He wondered why Bishop Marney looked so angrily puzzled and followed his glare down to his feet, which were still wheezing.

“What in heaven’s name are you doing Tregarrick, do you need to piss or something? You should know where it is, you been here often enough. Hurry up and wait right there when you’re done.”

Bishop Marney turned on his heel and slammed the door behind him. It was then that Tregarrick realised that he was still shifting from foot to foot.

“Oh.  No.”, he informed the closed door, “Thanks sir, but no, I don’t need to go to the toilet.  I was just making the floor wheeze like an old man.” Tregarrick winced as he finished the sentence.

“I DON’T CARE”, came the reply followed by a muted, “God, give me strength”, which sounded to Tregarrick much more like an actual prayer than an exclamation.

A minute or so passed and a look of pained realisation came over Tregarrick’s face and he informed the closed door, “No, you’re right.  I do want to go; I’ll be back in a moment.”

Tregarrick heard a growl as he half ran, half walked to the toilet.

 

Tregarrick examined the tiled toilet wall above the urinal whilst he worked through his explanation of the events that led to him being summoned to the Bishop’s palace once again. Although he had been there four times in three years, he had never managed to be there for something social or uplifting like a retirement or an awards reception. It had been approximately six months since he last visit and he had received such an ecclesiastical savaging that he had now begun to sweat and blink at the thought of getting another one

Tregarrick disliked confrontation in any form, even down to mundane and everyday interactions.  He found it difficult and terrifying to even be addressed by his own name in public anymore, as it usually was either being shouted or taken down in an official capacity. He had long ago decided that it would be best to remain anonymous and disregarded for as long he could get away with.  Most situations he found himself in did not allow him to explain himself in any coherent manner. His nerves would take hold of any form of communication he attempted when confronted. The scrambled output that followed any query or accusation, no matter how small, pretty much always guaranteed no hope of positive outcome.  Just recently he had begun to have nightmares of being chased by an angry bull terrier wearing only a white collar. The dreams always concluded with Tregarrick being dragged back to the dog’s master which was Bishop Marney. He would look down at Tregarrick with anger and vengeance before the Bishop giving the command to, “KILL”. Tregarrick always woke up at this point.

Whilst he tried to banish this unpleasant image, the small, bald, toilet attendant offered him a towel then paused, looked him in the eye and said purposefully, “I don’t think you shook it enough.”

I’m sorry?” said Tregarrick confused, still waking from his daydream and holding out his wet hands for the towel.

“I don’t think you shook it enough.” The man was still staring Tregarrick straight in the eyes.

“Shook what enough?”

“Your winkle.”

“My wink…”, he trailed off, he felt himself beginning to retract his hands in terror.

“Yes, your dirty little winkle,” spat the attendant, screwing up his nose and bearing his teeth. “If you don’t shake it enough, germs stay on it and you get AIDS.” He took a small step forward.

What? AIDS? Really? Good God! Are you sure? I’m sure I did shake it enough though, it’s fine really, honestly…” Tregarrick took a small step back.

“Are you telling me I don’t know my job?” The attendant was almost sneering now.

“NO. God, no.”  Tregarrick was now in the middle of another small conflict so his coping mechanisms were shrivelling. He displayed his palms to the attendant in a placatory fashion.  “Of course not, I’m sure you know your job very well.  You’re obviously keeping a very close eye on things.  But I really feel I shook it enough, I’m sure it’s errr germ free.”

“I don’t think it is you know.”  The attendant put his hands on his hips and insistently nodded his head towards Tregarrick’s crotch.  “Get it out and give it another little shake.  It’ll make you feel better.”

“Another.  Little.  No.  Are you sure?  Um.”  Tregarrick stopped speaking and followed the attendants gaze towards his apparently dirty winkle.

Go on. Get it out and shake it.”

“Err..”

“NOW!”

“OK!  OK.”  Tregarrick unzipped and gingerly pulled out his offending member, shook it and began to tuck it back in its place.

Come on now Father, we can do better than that now.”  On that the attendant darted out his hand, fiercely seized Tregarrick’s winkle and shook it so thoroughly that all he could do was wince and stare at the slow motion assault.

There,“ said the attendant, calmly assessing his work, his hands placed back at his sides, “all clean now. Don’t forget to wash your hands; they’re filthy after touching that thing.” 

Tregarrick stood frozen, his arms limply poised in front of his chest as if imitating a recoiling, startled Tyrannosaurus Rex.  He flinched and whimpered when the attendant offered him some liquid soap but then immediately accepted it as he feared he would be cleansed further should he refuse.  He dried his germ-free hands and began to walk towards the door. Checking back over his shoulder, he saw the smiling attendant still busy rhythmically scrubbing his hands slowing whispering, “dirty little winkle.”

 

Tregarrick was numb. He wasn’t even surprised anymore. His sense of the horror that was the world was now pretty much constant. Summoning up all his energy whilst attempting to block out his hygienic molestation, he decided that he needed to get his account across in a dignified and repentant fashion. He felt he had a chance to restore the Bishops faith in him. He would explain that what had happened were merely the result of consequence, bad luck and the work of evil people outside of his control or cognitionExactly as it was the last four times too

 

When Tregarrick got to Bishops Marney’s door, he sat on the wooden bench that lined the wall and glanced around as if he may be being watched.  

What was next? 

He remained sat quite still at the top of the set of majestic stairs which lead from the landing to the entrance lobby of the 250 year old house that serves as a Bishop’s residenceHe looked left down the hall and regarded the stained glass window that filled the entire end of the landing. It depicted St Francis of Assisi in a static, benevolent pose surrounded by fawning animalsIf only he were here Tregarrick mused.  St Francis would understand and could provide a cast iron character witness. Bishop Marney would be far too star struck to doubt a word he saidTregarrick doubted whether you could get much better than such a canonised heavyweight vouching for you.  He stared at the picture and continued to fantasise about the scene artfully recounted. He felt an almost palpable urge to be swallowed into the window away from his reality, accepted into the loving, colourful memory.  Reality was not a happy place and Tregarrick snapped back into it knowing that he had a lot to worry about.  One of Tregarrick’s many failings was that in times of extreme stress or confrontation his imagination took over as if a trip-switch for situations that were too much to handleOn frequent occasions he would be transported into his comfortable and familiar world to be momentarily safe from persecution and maltreatment.

“Just like Jesus”, Tregarrick whispered out loud, shocking himself with his mind spillage. He also startled himself for comparing his own struggle to the persecution and maltreatment of the Son of God. Sometimes his imagination refuge could lead to merge into his Theological education.

 

As his focus returned and ugly reality set in, he faced the window and watched light flood in showing St Francis tending to his animals. As the window became tinted by the sunlight, the many tiny coloured panes of glass made the dusty debris in the air colourfully visible while it made its way lazily to the groundAll at once, the area was radiant with colour as the dust provided a dancing luminescence that had him transfixed.  He stared at this beautiful scene and fell, once again, into a dreamlike state.  Humble and thankful as he witnessed the splendour of God’s creation, and giving thanks to this pleasant distraction, Tregarrick was consciously lost, and subconsciously, due to nagging reality, his sweat production increased tenfold.

Several moments later, Tregarrick shook himself from his dreams and sighed internally as he refocused his attention on his explanation of his more recent history.  At times like this he put his faith in God asked for his guidance by offering up a short prayer.  He got down on his knees in the precise spot where he was told to wait, shut his eyes and put his hands together.  He formed the words in his mind and asked God to help Bishop Marney find it in his heart to show compassion to his cause.

As he prayed Tregarrick could hear voices from the Bishop’s office, perhaps it was his time. 

The Bishops guest hardly knew what hit him as his reversing heels caught the back of Tregarrick’s bent legs and he fell backwards down the long flowing staircase. The stuntman-like grace of the fall would have compelled a cinema audience to have gasped in awe that a human could withstand such force. Unluckily, as spectacular was his plunge was his lack of knowledge of falling down stairs safely. 

From his office Bishop Mahoney stared on in disbelief and captured an inhalation tightly at the top of his lungs forcing his mouth to stay wide open for the whole duration of the calamitous sequence.  Tregarrick opened his eyes in alarm after hearing what sounded like a heavy sack of potatoes hitting the tin roof of a shed.  He looked up at the ceiling, found nothing and then instinctively down the stairs just in time to see the Bishops guest make one last heroic flop just next to the front door.  Unsurprisingly, Tregarrick was confused. He rushed as fast as his awkward body would take him down the stairs to the stricken guest. He arrived just in time to stand squarely on the injured man’s hand making his injuries complete a second before unconsciousness set firmly in.

 

“It’s important not to move him”, Tregarrick thought out loud.  “DON’T WORRY, I WON’T MOVE YOU.”  He reassured the prostrate visitor.  Tregarrick began to panic, this man was seriously hurt, he didn’t what to do? He looked back up the stairs scampered, as only a body blessed with extra elbows and knees could, back towards Bishop Marneys office.

 

“I say...Sir!” ventured the flustered Tregarrick through the open door, “Sir!  Are you there? There is an unconscious man at the bottom of your stairs.”

“Shut up, sit down and don’t touch anything, you absolute arsehole”, shouted the Bishop with such shrill ferocity that the emergency service that he had just called hung up on him as a prank caller. 

“Hello...hello.”, said the Bishop.  He made a strangled gargling noise and began to dial again, press the buttons as if he were trying to impale the telephone.  “What have you done to my friend?  You, you……demonic….gah.”

“Sorry?” Tregarrick was, as usual, nonplussed, “I don’t quite follow?”

“Shush”, said the Bishop dismissively as he concentrated on his phone call.  Tregarrick continued anyway, he was staring at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact, reciting his excuses unaware that the Bishop was trying to speak to someone else.  Tregarrick then switched gaze to the floor whilst more words came gushing out.

“I realise that recent events may have painted me in a negative light, but really sir, I don’t think I deserve comparison with some sort of Satanic figure.” 

Tregarrick was very pleased with his clarity and made a mental mote to congratulate himself later with a slice of hot buttered toast.

Tregarrick, I am convinced you ARE Satan,” hissed Bishop Mahoney, “now just shut your mouth, keep still or I’ll have you fucking crucified.” 

Tregarrick physically jumped, he was not used to this type of language.  He began to sweat again and decided to obey his order when he saw the size of the priestly purple vein that had started to throb on the side of the Bishops head.  Tregarrick sat on a chair in the Bishop’s office and began to worry, in his absentminded way, whether Bishop Mahoney actually had the power to crucify people.  “Surely we’re traditionally against that sort of thing, sir?” ventured Tregarrick before he had time grab his own mouth.

“Tregarrick, I WILL kill you if you persist in speaking.”

 

The Bishop managed to phone an Ambulance, this time without incident, and then rushed out of the room with a gowned flourish to tend to the injured party. When he got there he was being made comfortable by the Bishops Housekeeper and the Toilet Attendant, the latter had insisted in removed the man’s trousers for unclear reasons.  There was a knock at the front door and the Bishop went to allow entrance to what he thought would be Paramedics.  When he pulled open the old oak front door there stood two Policemen.  The Bishop looked at them as if he was trying to deny their existence through disbelief; the Policemen wondered why a Bishop was staring at them without blinking.

 

“Sorry to intrude Bishop,” said a tiny Policeman with a Welsh accent, “but there has been a report of an abusive phone call to the Emergency Services Operator and we traced the call to a telephone on your exchange.”

“What?” was the only shrieking enquiry Bishop could manage.

“In fact sir it was traced back to this address.”  The tone of the diminutive Welshman had become officious.  “May we come in Sir?”

“Of course,” breathed the Bishop, re-gathering his senses, “Yes, yes...please come in.”

 

The two policemen entered the stately home and spied the prostrate, injured party. The bigger, much less Welsh, Police Officer rushed over to administer First Aid to Tregarrick’s victim.  The small Welsh policeman eyed the Bishop as he removed his notebook and pen and posed ready to transcribe an explanation. And there was a long bout of them, along with assurances, more incredulous note taking before the Policemen reluctantly left with the Ambulance crew and the injured visitor.  A degree of sanity had returned to the parochial house. Bishop Marney looked up toward his office with a frown so fierce Tregarrick began to sweat even more.

 

The Bishop entered his office with an angered fanfare of grumbling, ignoring the startled Tregarrick in who had paused, half standing from his chair, in front of the Bishop’s desk and whilst holding out a waiting-to-be-shaked hand.  The Bishop walked straight past him and stood behind his desk. He faced Tregarrick, clenched his fists and rested them on the table, knuckles down, leaning his weight onto them, making them crack.  He looked past the outstretched hand and straight into Tregarrick’s eyes and sighed a long heavily anger tinted sigh.  Tregarrick didn’t know what to do with his hand so he put it in his pocket as if it was something that he was putting away that he didn’t need but then sat down getting it stuck in an extremely uncomfortable position.  He was not feeling in a confident enough position to stand up and completely reseat himself so he commenced a silent struggle to try and wrestle his hand out of his pocket. This was all the while trying to remain as composed as he could awaiting the Bishops first words.

 

What are you, Tregarrick?”  began Bishop Marney whilst the struggle continued.  “You have a record of service to the Church that reads like a criminal record.  You have caused havoc wherever you have been placed.  You have been responsible for injuries, feuds, ruined harvests, one communities’ conversion to the agnosticism and one of your parishioners burned down a church whilst you were trying to give mass.  I sincerely hope to the Lord God himself that you weren’t sent to try me, because I want to strangle you.  I want to kick you out of the Church once and for all and let you rot as an oversize alter boy in Venezuela until they too are convinced you are possessed and burn you at the stake.” Tregarrick carried on sweating and struggling. “Do you still put all of this down to bad luck and circumstance?”

As Bishop Marney finished his sentence, Tregarrick pulled hard on his hand and managed to make a faint ripping sound from his right thigh area.  He then make a strained and concerned nod to show his affirmationLuckily, this did not seem to put the Bishop off in the slightest; he seemed far too angry to notice and looked as if he wanted Tregarrick to speak.

 

“Well Bishop, I certainly seem to be blessed with the curse of coincidence and more than my fair share of bad luck.  I really believe one day I will make you happy.”  Tregarrick said each word as if he read them from the Boys Bumper Book of Excuses.  However, the only way that the Bishop could envisage Tregarrick making him happy was becoming the first person since the Old Testament to receive a smiting from God himself.  The Bishop woke from his beautiful daydream and focussed once more on Tregarrick.

“What next?” the Bishop ventured in thought.

 

His mental enquiry was answered immediately as Tregarrick risked a mighty pull of his hand, succeeding in freeing it and punching off of the arm of the chair in the process. The chair arm flew on to the desk of the Bishop resting just in front of him, between his hands, in what could be construed in an alternative situation as an amusing aside.  The Bishop looked down in silence at the broken chair arm and then moved his unbelieving countenance toward the confused Tregarrick, who was busy suppressing his pain filled shriek as a closed mouth hum.  Tregarrick’s sweat production had reached flood levels.

 

“Jesus Christ pardon me, but I really am beginning to hate you.  In my forty years as a Priest, I have never known anyone like you.  You are unique.  When you were in the missions in Africa you started a war between neighbourly peace loving tribes whilst trying to introduce a bartering system for Berry harvests.  We took you out of Africa to try and ease the situation and put out in the Depths of Mid-Wales to keep you out mischief and you stumble on a drug manufacturing operation. You invited the drug pushers and addicts to the church to repent their sins and see the error of their ways.  What did they do?”

“They came to the church every Sunday Sir?”  Tregarrick mumbled this as if he knew what was coming next.

“The came to church every Sunday Sir”, Mocked the Bishop in a very high tone that Tregarrick could not believe sounded like himself, “They came to church every Sunday to sell drugs inside the church.  They used your church as a marketplace, as a front for their activities.”

“Before that was discovered the locals were very pleased with my work, you have to admit that.  Sir”

“That’s because the church had never been so full of happy smiling people before, you idiot.  Everyone in the church could have flown to Heaven on their own fuel.  ‘Stoned in the Aisles’ I think the gutter press called it.”

“I had no idea that was going on, Bishop Marney, I really didn’t.”

“That’s your problem isn’t it?  You really have no idea, do you?  You are the most naïve and ridiculous person I have ever had the misfortune to meet.  How could you ever have no idea that this was going on under your very nose?”

“I just thought I had a very happy and contented congregation...and collection was the highest it had been in years.”

“The drugs people felt started to feel sorry for you and put some of their ill gotten gains in the poor box as a backhander, you bloody fool.” The Bishop looked down and sighed once more, his demeanour changed. Look Tregarrick, shouting at you will get me nowhere, although it makes me feel better.  When all is said and done no-one can question your faith and commitment to God. I know you have done nothing intentional to these people and I can see no malice in you or even an evil sense of fun. However, you are the only Catholic Priest I know that can no longer visit West Cork. The locals threatened you with something more terrifying than even excommunication.” The Bishop looked directly at Tregarrick. “However, I am giving you one more chance.”

“Oh Bishop, I don’t know what to say..I..I..”

“Good!  Thats ideal.  Just say Mass every day, take a few confessions, pat some children’s heads and see out your five years in peace and silence.  If I ever hear your name mentioned in anger again I swear that the next post you’ll be getting you’ll be picking up a harp and a pair of wings first.”

Tregarrick thought about saying something at this juncture but though better of it and suppressed his question with a gormless smile.  Bishop Marney grimaced and reached to his drawer to retrieve some papers.

“Now, here’s the file about your new parish, don’t lose of it or set fire to it or accidentally feed it to a Pensioner.  Canon Sealy will brief with some more details on your way out.  It’s in a small village called Rhetskill.  You start in two weeks.”

“Thank you Bishop, I won’t let you down.”

How many times have I heard that, Tregarrick?

“Well, 5 times I would estimate…” Tregarrick then sensed he should be quiet when Bishop Marney began to gnash his teeth audibly.

“Just get out, Tregarrick, I’ll send down a locum in a few months to spy on you and if I have one report of you and your ‘coincidences’, you’re off to the North Pole.” Tregarrick stayed silent as the Bishop sat down. “Now get out, you irritating little tit.”

Chapters

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K. Howard Bell wrote 1205 days ago

Just had time for the first chapter, but so far absolutely loving it. Its a little jittery at the start (there's some repitition with the word "sound" in the second paragraph and you write "the hall the hall" at one point) but after that its lovely. The scene in the bathroom is brilliant! And just a few thousand words in and you've already got me loving Tregarrick. There's something so sweet and funny about him saying quietly to himself "Just like Jesus".

You might want to chop Chapter 2 up a little. Just had a peek then and it was, frankly, intimidating. Still, I'll have a go and see how far I get. Excellent work so far.

K

4dprefect wrote 1209 days ago

Very funny. Smartly observed, great characters and terrific sense of humour. I was slightly thrown by the use of floorboards twice in relatively swift succession in the first para and some of the paras are quite long and look slightly daunting (although more pronounced an effect on screen, I think). That said, a couple of people have cited my tendency towards short paras, so feel free to disregard that! Anyway, I like this - vegetarianism no obstacle to my enjoyment, as you said - and I can't believe this is on zero bookshelves. I'm going to rotate something off to make room for this - albeit temporarily - so you may still be on zero bookshelves but by golly you're ranking will have gotten a well deserved boost.

Eunice Attwood wrote 529 days ago

Very funny. I thought I'd arrived a Craggy Island and Father Ted, or Dougal, would burst into the room, followed closely by Mrs Doyle, cucumber sandwiches, and a pot of tea. (Of course - if you aren't located somewhere in Britain, you won't have a clue who I'm talking about).
Brilliantly written, very irreverent, and quite delightful - at least that's how I see chapter one. I will read more later. Backed with great, great, pleasure. We need more of this type of story.
Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Nick Poole2 wrote 719 days ago

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Kolro wrote 1106 days ago

Tregarrick reminds me of Frank Spencer, but Catholic. Despite some spelling mistake this shows potential. The part about feeding the pensioner made me laugh. As did the toilet attendant removing the trousers. Good show.

William F. Aicher wrote 1166 days ago

This is quite an interesting start, although I must echo the comments that I've seen posted already - definitely could use an edit. Also, I personally write very short chapters, so this could just be my preference, but Chapter One in particular seems very long. I feel like there is just a lot of information being thrown at me for so early in the book, and I'd like to get more of a hook right off the bat. But again, this may just be personal preference.

tadhgfan wrote 1186 days ago

Typo… as (THEY) failed to remain silent…

Made me chuckle right off. I liked the feet continuing to make noise as of their own accord…lol… actually, as I went on there are too many little one liners that made me smile. This is a very witty tale. Tregarrick is a likable man. :) (him and his dirty little winkle…lol) he sounds lonely…“Reality not being a happy place” was a phrase you used that made me think of the reason “Escaping Reality” was written (hehe) …And the way things just seem to ‘happen’ around him reminds me much of myself. I am always saying the wrong thing or ending up in the wrong place, and I would definitely have been the one to step on a man’s hand right before he passed out! This is great. I will read more and then right a REVIEW ON MY THREAD. You are a very good writer!
--as a side note: the amount of male authors righting about penises on authonomy amazes me--
Gina

JAK wrote 1193 days ago

Hi! what a great idea. I wanted more as I only felt that I was getting into this as i neared the end of the portion which you've posted. I was pretty sure this was going to have a good bite to it from the scene in the toilet and i was right. This has almost no unfunny moments- the Bishop is a wonderful creation. There's great slapstick narration throughout. This great strength may also become a wekness as the ms. progresses- it's hard to tell but I am slightly concerned that the incidents may be too one after an other for a strong narration to develop. However, that's foolish speculation- what's here is very good fun and I enjoyed it greatly.
I need to take a good look at my revolving bookshelf so i can find you a space.
All the best,
Jak

Simon J. James wrote 1194 days ago

@ JAK : Thanks very much.

Simon J. James wrote 1194 days ago

@ Richard P-S : Really apprecaite your comments sir, many thanks. I agree that it needs a great big edit and am endevouring to do that. I'm finding that my style is seriously changing with the comments I'm getting on here. I'm thinking in more pared down sentences and shorter descriptions (when I can, I am still tempted to drone on occaision). Will take on board what you wrote though, hopefully you can come back for more at some point.

Simon J. James wrote 1194 days ago

@ vicadia : Thanks so much for your comments, especially as this isn't your usual bag. I will strive on and will shamelessly plug it when I have reshaped the 2nd chapter. Thanks for your encouragement.

Windy Two Rivers wrote 1194 days ago

Simon,
I really ejoyed your feedback and suggestions. You have given me much to ponder. Thank you. I have already watchlisted you and will have a peek just as soon as I can. Thanks.

Christy

Simon J. James wrote 1194 days ago

@fiamma : I know what you mean about the words. Thing is, I LOVE words and can't get enough of them, I'm trying my damnedest to pare is down some more but struggling. I get the feeling I should be striving on rather than retracing my steps again. More to come from me though.

Simon J. James wrote 1194 days ago

@ Ginger : I reshaped the first chapter and am in the process of splitting out the second into a three. I take your meaning though, needs more editing and sharpening up. Thanks for your comments though.

JAK wrote 1195 days ago

From the pitch,this looks great. Watchlisting for tomorrow.

Richard P-S wrote 1195 days ago

Dear Simon, this is funny but it needs a great big edit. I don't think editors or readers would get past the first few paragraphs at the moment, because it seriously jars in places. If you don't mind, I've pasted below my take on how the first few paras could be made to flow; if you hate it just tell me to feck off. The blurb's great, and I wish you luck.

R

The ancient floorboards creaked under Father Tregarrick’s shoes as he walked towards the sweeping staircase that led to Bishop Marney’s private office. Interrupted, Tregarrick stopped, looked down and focussed an accusing stare at his wooden tormentors.

“Why am I here, again?” he asked himself. The echo gave him the answer he knew already.

Tregarrick crept on and sighed as the boards refused to return to silence. He forced himself to climb up the stairs and came to a halt outside the door of the bishop’s office. He knocked, and willed his knock to convey, through the door, an apology, and waited for acknowledgement from within.

He looked at his shoes again, and began to shift his weight from foot to foot. The floor groaned intermittently as the pressure changed with every move. The boards wheezed like an old man after he had run for the bus – and missed it.

Ginger wrote 1202 days ago

Well, this is an odd piece of writing, but in all the right ways. This has a very surreal fee to it - how else can the bathroom scene be explained?! I think this would benefit from a damn good edit, as you have a gem of a book hidden under a few confusing passages, a bit of repetition, and over use of the word 'was'.
Lisa

Simon J. James wrote 1204 days ago

@ Alexander - Thanks very much, I am in the middle of redrafting the first chapter and will be restructuring the next 2 to allow the "show don't tell" to become more prevalent. The descriptive have their place but the best bits are organic.

@ yaasehshalom - Cheers!

@ Jack Fist - Thanks, I'm actually reading yours at the moment

@ K. Howard Bell - An author's name if ever I heard one. Thanks, I take your point about chapter 2, I got carried away with it a bit, but will spread it, and a new bit, across 3 newly structured chapters very soon.

K. Howard Bell wrote 1205 days ago

Just had time for the first chapter, but so far absolutely loving it. Its a little jittery at the start (there's some repitition with the word "sound" in the second paragraph and you write "the hall the hall" at one point) but after that its lovely. The scene in the bathroom is brilliant! And just a few thousand words in and you've already got me loving Tregarrick. There's something so sweet and funny about him saying quietly to himself "Just like Jesus".

You might want to chop Chapter 2 up a little. Just had a peek then and it was, frankly, intimidating. Still, I'll have a go and see how far I get. Excellent work so far.

K

Jack Fist wrote 1206 days ago

Hi Simon.
Read 'Sausages' this afternoon and found it extremely funny. I don't think it needs as big an edit as some of the other comments you have suggest, although I do think it needs a thorough read through to correct just one or two tpyos/ bits of grammar. One thing that did stick out for me was that in chapter 1 it is very funny and an easy read both at the start and at the end, but in the middle there is a big chunk where it slows down and gets quite ponderous. This is where Tregarrick has a spell of introspection, where there is a chunk of description of him and where you fill in a bit of back story about previous parishes and parishoners walking 75 miles to the Bishop's mansion. It is also noticeable that the paragraphs get much longer here and you switch from show to tell. It slows down the writing and the flow quite a bit. I think you need to split these 3 elements up rather than have them all together. Parts of your writing are really descriptive - e.g. the particles of dust in the air, lit by the sun through the stained glass window, which I liked. My favourite bit has to be Tregarrick punching the arm off his chair when he gets his hand stuck in his pocket.
Good luck with this. Its funny enough to go on my bookshelf for the time being - although if you want to stay there you probably need to tweak it a little bit, but more importantly - I'd like to read some more of it.
Regards......................................Jack.

yaasehshalom wrote 1206 days ago

on my watchlist - will start reading it tomorrow!

Simon J. James wrote 1209 days ago

@ Mr Floyd - No worries at all, I wanted to read it and actually got a bit of time in work to give it a going over, so be prepared for comments soon!

@MockingBird - It becomes distinctly wierder at the book progresses.....

Simon

Mockingbird wrote 1209 days ago

Distinctly weird..... love it......

David Floyd wrote 1209 days ago

Hello again again -

I noticed another shelving and thought it might have been you. Thanks for bookshelving, but it _genuinely_ wasn't my intention to fish for a backing. I'm finding the whole 'game' aspect of this website a little uncomfortable and have questioned others' intentions at times - but I honestly only stopped by again 'cos I thought you might have been discouraged.

I would love your feedback, but that's because I reckon you'd be in the target audience I perceive for my MS - and please only back if you genuinely want to.

But thanks,

david

David Floyd wrote 1209 days ago

Hello again -

I stopped by again as I saw you're plugging on the forum, and because I felt like a bit of an arse only having your book on my shelf for a day or two. I've since been learning that some others do this a lot - I don't generally, but I had my reasons. Nonetheless, I felt like an arse sending you back to 0 bookshelves.

Anyhow, my main point is that I'm glad to see you're plugging and generating some interest. I reckon you have the imagination to produce something very good - you just need to work on the method and delivery. I'm in the same boat and I have genuinely found some of the feedback I've received here extremely useful - and have redrafted chapters heavily since joining the site.

david

Simon J. James wrote 1209 days ago

@ Mr House - Thanks! I think that I probably am a little over elaborate in terms of the length and complexity of the sentence structure sometimes. I think it will aid the 'show, don't tell' comments if I tone it down just a little. Fair enough on the basic errors, the weekend will see a new draft hopefully.

@ KeefieBoy - I appreciate your comments and will work to win you over!

@ 4dperfect - Thanks for your lovely comments, I read them in a pub over a beer, so promptly ordered another one! I am tending towards shorter paragraphs and sentences so the next draft may entice you even further towards my draft. Thanks for the ratings boost AND an actual real boost to my day.

4dprefect wrote 1209 days ago

Very funny. Smartly observed, great characters and terrific sense of humour. I was slightly thrown by the use of floorboards twice in relatively swift succession in the first para and some of the paras are quite long and look slightly daunting (although more pronounced an effect on screen, I think). That said, a couple of people have cited my tendency towards short paras, so feel free to disregard that! Anyway, I like this - vegetarianism no obstacle to my enjoyment, as you said - and I can't believe this is on zero bookshelves. I'm going to rotate something off to make room for this - albeit temporarily - so you may still be on zero bookshelves but by golly you're ranking will have gotten a well deserved boost.

Keefieboy wrote 1210 days ago

Hi Simon. The title grabbed me (and your plugging in the forum), But the first paragraph didn't. It's been mentioned by other commenters, but 'familiarly, disappointedly, apologetically' all jumped out at me in the first four sentences. I'll definitely come back to it when you upload the next draft.

paul house wrote 1210 days ago

I wouldn't touch the -ly words, but it is very much a matter of taste. The tendency these days is towards the bare (and I don't mean naked), but that doesn't mean it's right. If you were to pare down your writing you would lose what is an exceptionally good voice. Well, that's what I think anyway. For the time being, onto my watchlist till I have time to read some more. (It has, I think, been pointed out that there are some obvious typing errors).

Simon J. James wrote 1211 days ago

Olga, thanks for your comments. I like the attendant because of his demeanour and the obvious outrageousness of his position. He is obsessed with hygiene so imposes his belief on the users of his facility by any means he knows how. I doubt Tregarrick was the first!

Simon

olga wrote 1211 days ago

Hi

This has the bones of a great story. Great characterisations with Tregarrick. I would suggest removing some of the ly words. Also, there too much telling and not showing. This still needs more editing to make it shine.

I get the idea that the lavatory attendant gets his kicks from shaking mens appendages. I'm surprised he's not been dismissed. Maybe the men submit to it and get kinky thrills from the rough handling.

Olga

Good luck with this.

Olga

Simon J. James wrote 1211 days ago

Don't worry Mr floyd, you still have brilliant trousers. Not to worry on the bookshelf thing, I understand where you're coming from.

I will be persisting with the book, not sure what direction I will be taking with the first chapter but I sense it could do with a major restructure.

I was RC, and a Celtic flavour too (Welsh) and this is a certain amount of writing what I know but the actual story arc gets a lot darker than my expereince. I think you are right to tell me to keep it RC, this will allow me to use this mechanic to tell a lot more of the character's quirks naturally,

I shall be reading your stuff as soon as I can to pay back some of your kindness.

Cheers mate,

Simon

David Floyd wrote 1217 days ago

Hey Simon -

I've reshuffled my bookshelf and I'm afraid Sausages got sacrificed, for now. I'll forgive you if you think my trousers are no longer so brilliant.

I haven't spent much time in the forum, but I've tended to read the work of people with an interesting turn of phrase and who amused me - and that's why I read Sausages. My own MS's lowly position in the rankings suggests I'm hardly an expert, but I _definitely_ reckon you should persist. I've watchlisted it and the only reason I sacrificed it for now is that it needs work (or more than the other books I wanted to shelve). Let me know when you've edited and I will come back.

I suspected you were RC. Catholics, esp. Irish Catholics, have an obsession with the peculiarities of their faith. But people appreciate this ('Father Ted' vs 'Vicar of Dibley'). "Write what you know" is another maxim that I think is overused, but I think that it would be huge, _huge_, HUGE error to convert your central character to CoE. You're familiar with Catholicism and I doubt that a story about a clergyman of a religion you're less familiar with would ring as true. Moreover, Catholicism holds a place in the public imagination that suits your story, whereas CoE does not. I still think a small backstory on the diocese being a RC stronghold for some reason - however spurious - will be enough to make the reader overlook the slight incongruity of the English village not being predominantly Anglican.

When you're published I'll expect a profuse thank you in the acknowledgments for saving you from making this mistake.

Re: character setting. I'm _really_ struggling with that too. A couple of comments I've had referred to the extensive "backstory dumps", so at the moment I'm extensively redrafting my opening chapters to expunge them insofar as possible. My point is – I think it's a common problem.

david

Simon J. James wrote 1218 days ago

Hello there Mr Floyd,

Thanks very much for your comments, I really appreciate them.

I agree with Lexi and your comments in regards to show don't tell. I've always struggling with the explicit character setting at the start of the story. I think I will chop some in and out and take it from there.

The RC vs Anglican is a great spot and something I've wrestled with for a while. I come from a Catholic back ground so I was going to write what I know. However, your good self and some other have pointed out that England is predominately a CoE country with far more communities based around CoE churches. I have the opportunity to go to a church and talk to a preist about his day to day stuff and reporting lines etc. I think I will make this change.

The typos are rubbish and very amateurish but I needed to know that it was worth going on, I was losing faith a little bit.

Thanks David, you're a beauifully trousered, valiant Knight of man

SJJ

David Floyd wrote 1219 days ago

Hey – I really like the premise and the style of this. There are some very nice touches in the writing that made me smile regularly.

I have a few comments, but please bear in mind I’m only bothered making them because I like your work.

While I think the ‘show don’t tell’ mantra is often cracked out too readily, I would agree with to some extent with Lexi in this case. The opening chapter errs a little too much on telling me about Tregarrick’s background and clumsiness rather than showing it.

A small point – everybody seems to be Roman Catholic, whereas my own impression of small-town England is that it is predominantly Anglican. It’s not a huge issue, but personally I would introduce a small backstory (probably no more than a para) as to why Bishop Marney’s diocese is such a RC stronghold.

The Pedantic Bit. The typos will put many readers off – I’d recommend you spend some time proofing. Personally, I found the slightly random capitalisation quite off-putting, especially of the words ‘Parish’ and ‘Priest’. I don’t see why either should be capitalised. (On that note, please change the start of your short brief to read “A priest in his last-chance parish ...”) Finally, I find numerals in text irritating (“45 seconds”, “50% of the pubs”, “10 years”) and would personally replace with words.

All that said, it kept me interested and made me smile, so I’m bookshelving it.

david

Simon J. James wrote 1219 days ago

Thank you ever so much Lexi, I really appreciate it.

Apologies for the 'first draft'-iness of it all but I really needed a fillip to get me going again, some real constructive criticism to give me some much needed momentum.

The Lavatory attendant is a mechanic to highlight the submissiveness of Tregarrick's character, I thought I could get away with it as he is housed in a Bishop's residence and would only ever encounter men of God!!

Lexi wrote 1219 days ago

Tregarrick is a great character; I’d have liked you to tell me less about him, and show him relating to others more, well though you tell it. If you show us, as you do, Tregarrick slipping into a dream, you can skip telling us this is what he does. Trust the reader. You could with advantage cut quite a lot of this.

You made me laugh out loud when the Bishop’s visitor emerged…this whole incident is very funny and well written.

I was surprised at the lavatory attendant. I’d have thought he’d have been beaten up fairly soon after he fell into the habit of criticizing his clientele.

[There are a few typos, word echoes and missing words you would notice with a read-through, preferably aloud.]

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