Blurry

Backing based on the pitch. Can you check out my book "Crazy"?

Dear Sherri
this is a truly good read. I started it some time ago and have commented but cannot find it nor the backing. I was only new on site at the time. I know that someone told me to put paras in my long pitch and it really served me well and it might be something to consider as it could be the firs tread your publisher will have of your book, only a suggestion tough. I believe you will have ta publisher for sure as it is such a well crafted compelling read.
so now i will back this again just to make sure it is WORTH IT
if you have already backed my book thank you so much, if not would you find the time, ifnot that is OK also
the VERY best of luck
Denise
The Letter

You have crafted a most compelling and interesting storyline and your use of short paragraphs and crisp dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. Your character development of Rachel is well done and all of this coupled with your descriptive writing style ensures that your work will have a broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Sherri

What an exciting opening! I wonder if it's a good idea to get us all involved in Kirsten's life and then kill her off straight away? Although it's interesting to see our heroine from an outsider's viewpoint, it does put some distance between us and her, when we're busy feeling sorry for Kirsten. I like the idea of introducing Rachel through her blog through and there's lots of good dialogue and narrative drive. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Oh, this is a fun read. Dynamic, fast pacing -- perfect for the genre. Although it still needs some polishing - yet this is what this site is for :) I often remind the authors that the writing can be polished/edited while the storytelling skills cannot be learned. It's a gift - and you have it in spades.

Congratulations!

Backed with true pleasure,
Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Great story line promising a thriller ride. Backed on the strength of your pitch, will return with further comments once I have read.
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

You've got a strong writing style, but technically you should watch the number of sentences you begin with pronouns. In one of the later graphs of the prologue, almost every sentence begins with 'she'; this causes a lot of sameness in sentence structure, and you want your writing to be as dynamic as the story you're telling. Also, in the prologue there were a couple of points in the dialog that didn't seem right. 'It's about time you showed up' makes it sound like Kirsten is expecting Danny, when she's actually expecting Jake; it's a little confusing when the reader's just come into the story cold. Maybe her next reaction to Danny should be stronger and more negative. Also, the comment about Grandma not living in the dorms seems like a total non sequitur to me.
Anyway, that all sounds negative, but really I like your overall concept, and your characters are strong and well defined. I particularly like your technique of using the blog entries. I think this is a good effort, and I'll back it to encourage you.
Craig
The Job

AWESOME prologue! I really enjoyed the dynamic here. You made your character so 3-dimensional--she's meeting another guy (unlikeable trait) followed by an asshole boyfriend (makes her likable) and his attack against her. Seems she can't find a good guy either way. This is a really great start. A pleasure to give this a spin on my shelf.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

I think this has a great structure, the use of the news feed and the blog entries that gives us insight into Rachel moves this very, very well – Impressive.
You have a gift for characterisation, that mixed with good descriptive (and grounding) narrative creates a great story. Good luck with this.

You have a talent for unique characterizations. So far, I have been totally entertained by your prose and dialogue! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Blurry

[Thank you for returning my backing. T.]

I thought I’d take a look at this based on the pitch. Chicklit isn’t my usual reading, but I did like this. I like the way you put it together. The opening is great and the plot carries us through, no need for any fancy tricks. So Kirsten is cheating and trying to conceal the fact. Great tension from the start. Then you end with her totally unexpectedly driving off the road into the river. Fantastic surprise, and you don’t tell us she’s dead, we have to wait.

Rachel’s blog is a good way to introduce your main character and varies the presentation. It’s contemporary and the photo you refer to links nicely into the next section. For me, Rachel returning to school and meeting her schoolmates has too many new characters introduced all at once, but I guess that’s unavoidable. You do at least have them come into the scene piece meal, so that helps me. I did feel Rachel could be a bit more stunned. And I did wonder if she had got the voicemail Kirsten sent her earlier and if so oughtn’t she be wondering where she is?

This is fresh and interesting and well structured with good dialogue. I’m backing this. And I’d be extremely grateful if you can find the time to take a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return. Thanks.

Enjoyable read! And you handled introducing multiple characters very well...that's not easy to do.

Backed!

TL

Very nice opening. I found I fell quickly into the story and was given enough intrigue to keep me reading but not too much to overwhelm. A mistake of many new authors in the thriller genre has been to over complicate the plot to such an extent that you feel you should be taking notes. There was none of that here, it was accessible, easy to follow and had rounded believable characters. More than happy to have backed you.
David
Bailey of the Saints

Aw, thanks so much! I'm trying to get more active here now that my latest endeavor is wrapping up so (fingers crossed) I hope my rankings will climb soon!

Wow, I can't help wondering why this terrific read isn't higher in the charts!! Wonderful, clear and concise writing and I know a lot of people have a go about prologue's on here but yours really works. Why did Kirsten ring Rachel? What sort of bloke is Danny apart from being a real pig that is. I like this because it is full of intrigue and questions.
Lovely writing, no nits from me either, that's a first lately!!

Happily shelved
Melxx

This is a good story. You have a good main character in Rachael; she's likable and certainly sympathetic because she's not only broken up with a boyfriend but lost a girlfriend as well. A real strength of the book and what separates it out of the pile is the ominous tone you've woven into this; as soon as the car plunges into the water, a reader knows Rachael is going to be in that same danger shortly. Makes it a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Blurry:

Sherri,

You have a gripping plot structure in this novel. The interweaving of deceit, romance, hope, hope-dashed, intrigue, double standards, secrecy, mystery; all underscored by what could be a powerful emotional roller coaster for Rachel, makes me want to read on.
Already, in Chapter 1 you have, through crisp and natural dialogue, first between Rachel and Danny and then between Rachel and Kirsten, shown that you can use dialogue to mirror differences in personality between different characters.
All four were therefore clearly delineated and I soon found myself drawn happily into your story.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

This is a very accessible read indeed. Your prose style is perfect for your genre - minimal, but evocative descriptions and some sizzling prose that propels your narrative beautifully well. I think the YA market is one of the mostr difficult to write for for yet you do it with a narural ease. Well done.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Wow, I can't help wondering why this terrific read isn't higher in the charts!! Wonderful, clear and concise writing and I know a lot of people have a go about prologue's on here but yours really works. Why did Kirsten ring Rachel? What sort of bloke is Danny apart from being a real pig that is. I like this because it is full of intrigue and questions.
Lovely writing, no nits from me either, that's a first lately!!

Happily shelved
Melxx

BLURRY: Excellent! You have set the stage for a great thriller...from the prologue on. Love the band nerd references! :)

Heidi
Pearl Edda

I am so glad I came back to this! Wonderfully crafted and rendered in a heartfelt manner!
BACKED again for supprt!

Liz
The Cheech Room

I love the way this book draws the reader right into the action! You have a true gift for pacing! I will return for more but for now! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

The prologue and first chapter read well. I think the dialogue is your strong point. Nothing really to nitpick.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Backed January 28.

Jesse - Savant

Hi Sherri, just read the first two chapters and had to pull my self out of it to comment. Danny is a nasty character, I like the way you started with the accident and with him and Kristin. We the move onto Rachel and her friends and see their reactions to what happened, one point maybe Rachel should be a little more upset since it was only a year ago that she was with Danny and therefore must not be talking to Kristin for about that length, which is not a lot when they grew up together? Other than that this is really gripping and has all the elements of a good YA story. On my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

I would open the pitch with the setting... "Life in the small town of Woodland, California becomes blurry when..."
This explains the source of the title. I like the opening - it has conflict, introduces Kirsten, Danny... perhaps you should consider mentioning their surnames? This is part of their character. Also, I would mention the locale at some stage, to ground the reader. Otherwise, nicely done, nicely paced. Good dialogue.
Shelved
Frank

Wow, Sherri, way to steamroll us right into the action. Rachel's plight was told in such a way the reader had no idea what would come next. In this day and age an author needs a pretty sharp hook to lure the reader in and I'd say you have that here in spades. Shelved. JupiterGirl. (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Hi Sherri,
This is good stuff, great prologue followed by a very realistic MC in Rachel. - Shelved

I recognise a good thriller when I see one and this read like a film, easy to visualise and very well written. I didn't spot anything remotely like a technical error in the first two chapters and the prologue.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

This is an unusual and interesting plot, with a good pitch which pulled me in. I love mystery stories, and I'm enjoying this one. Your opening, the confrontation between Kirstin and Danny, is very exciting and gripping. The shock when the brakes fail works well, and is a great hook. Rachel's blog is an original idea, making the most of modern ideas; and it helps us to feel that we know Rachel well, as we read her own words and she tells us her feelings. The group of friends come alive well; their dialogue is natural and up-to-date. A very readable book. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

(I read from Chapter 17) I am no expert on American high school etc. so some of the terms and the set up is a little strange to me. The story, however, is an engrossing one and should appeal to teens, especially since most of them have been exposed to US TV and High School Reunion. Your characters seem believable and speak appropriately and your MC elicits sympathy very quickly. There are a few editorial tidy ups but we all have those. You will need to find an eyecatching cover but the blurb is enough to get the book opened. Jim D Serpent's Blood

"Blowing a sigh of relief, she snapped it shut" - it sounds like she is snapping the 'sigh of relief' shut... - reword.

"she hissed." - some would suggest you can't hiss words that don't contain an 'S'. I leave that one to you to decide.

Paragraph beginning "Her laughter was cut off..." is too big. Pare or break up.

"She asked (to) no one in particular." You don't need this, given we know she's talking to herself as no one else is in the car with her.

A few too many sentences in the second last paragraph begin with 'she' - it doesn't feel like repetition for purpose, but unintentional. Perhaps reword one or two of the sentences.

Some of the dialogue feels a bit unnatural and/or soap opera-ish. See if you can sharpen it up a bit.

Ok, time precludes me from going further. It's not too badly written, bar the quibbles above. I'll give you a stint on my shelf and best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

This is working really well. You have created enough tension and intrigue in the first four chapters to have successfully drawn the reader in. The opening with the accident is a great hook. THe following chapter with the blog, lets us in on the characters a bit more. Moving along to the story, you subtly lead us to the water to drink, so to speak. Allowing us just enough rope to think about the possibilites of where the story will go without flat out telling us where you are going. This works well and you have deft hand at painting the setting and characters.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I backed this a short while ago and I have come back to comment.

Showing us the accident first is great, draws us in and shows us what happens as it does.

Then when Rachel and Natalie find out, you did this well... leading us into where you will take us.

You have crossed genres as I have but I believe you have done it well... combining the YA with thriller perfectly. Not sure if I would label this chick lit though for your 'voice' although great for YA isn't really to me like chick lit (not a bad thing BTW, I like a good chick lit but prefer other genres). That is just me though but I would label more a YA thriller.

Anyway there was much to like here and although I'm not in the YA category I would enjoy reading this.

Jo xx

Spoilt

Hello,
I like this story. The beginning is very fast paced and upbeat. I liked how you just jump into the story. Is Kirsten winner of the beaty pageant or runner up? I think at the beginning you say she was the winner but at the end you say runner up. (I could be wrong) Your setting, characters and dialogue are very realistic. Backed with pleasure. LIsa

[Blurry]
I liked the pitch and the start of your story. It is strong and the characters are clear. The way you described Danny makes him real - yes, he is a believable character.

However, you will have to find another way to get Kristen away from him. She throws stones, which means she needs to have the time to grab her. Since Danny had her almost plastered against the wall, the distance between the two of them should be small - far too small to give her the time to grab one stone and throw it, let alone a few.

The second chapter was more logical; I didn't find anything that couldn't happen. I loved your voice, though, and I think you do have a winner here.

Well done and thanks for reading mine.

Backed with pleasure.

Peter
(A Shadow In A Shady Country)

Phew...what an adventure...but all 'true' and believable.
The characters come through well.. poor Kirsten
Then we re following Rachel with thriller suspense.,
I wasnt sure there would be a happy ending
Congratulations.....
............mikey .........The Free

Hi Sherri....crikey, that's some opening. Poor girl. One thing puzzled me - he mentions her grandma's house but we haven't heard anything about that before.
But how scary having an ex go from nought to ten like that.... Would she really throw bricks at him? I guess so if she were that scared. Then the crash! Yikes....
Then we're on campus and then - OMG - she's dead??!! Didn't see that coming at all.
So, not standard chicklit at all by the looks of it.
But that's fine by me - I like a dose of dark.... ;)
Happy to back you.
Jane
WALKER

Hi Sherri!

This is a fun read - just the kind of chick-lit I could curl up with an enjoy on a quiet day! Love the blog entries in this - it's a nice way to get inside Rachel's head - very effective. The only suggestion I might have is to section your pitch into multiple paragraphs, and you've got one paragraph in chapter one that seems a bit long (you may want to chunk it up too.) Otherwise, great stuff - backed with pleasure!

Kim
Invisible Justice

This is an intriguing story, well constructed and thought-out, and very believeable. You create suspense, which is a real page-turner, and I think yonger readers will identify strongly with your characters. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

Wow, what a beginning. Great suspense, description and dialogue. Intriguing story and well written.

Sherri
I made a few notes:-
'It's about time you showed up' she trailed off......(why trailed off, she would snap at him)
Danny smiled, he smiled......repetitive.....use grin or leer or smirk in place of one.......
You shrug with your shoulders not your hands !!!
Clarify Danny's credentials immediately as you introduce him....I wondered, who is this ?

Fabulous ending to chapter one, a real page turner....Great characterization and naturalistic dialogue...

Best of luck....Shelved

I read the first three chapters. Nice opening with that hint of suspense. The situation (bad breakup with a touch of fear) is one readers can easily relate to. You set a nice sense of place at the begining of chapter 3. And the dialogue moves the plot along. I liked it.

This is a really well written book, it has a good opening and is well paced and delivered. I think the characters are well defined and it is easy to become part of their story. I am pleased to back it as i do want to read on.
Regards
Chris (inside out)

Dear Sherri, I like your choice of “blurry” to convey how reality seems after someone suffers a sudden trauma, especially when the person is as young as Rachel, and that’s only the first of the many things I like about your wonderful book: you have a highly compelling story, lifelike, well-developed characters, and a vivid, fast-paced writing style that brilliantly renders not only the intriguing people and unsettling events in Rachel’s life, but her deeply felt reactions.

I like how, when you shift the narrative to her, you begin with a long blog that constitutes a telling psychological self-portrait: seeing her first from the inside enables us to identify with her immediately, and so her perspective remains primary even when other characters come on the scene and talk to her.

A richly detailed picture of contemporary adolescence and of one adolescent who’s both fully representative and extremely exceptional—and all of this within the context of a very exciting mystery.

On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

BACKING because Bob Steele did and I trust his instincts. Think you can make it to the Ed's desk with this effort. I'll swing by later to give you a right and proper comment.

Do look forward to your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

It's surprising how many girls get involved with guys that think they can push them around. Maybe your story can show them how dangerous it can be. Give them a mirror. On my shelf, hoping it will make a difference. C.P

Blurry is a fast-paced mystery with natural dialogue and good characterisation, particularly of Rachel. I started to see the blurring in chapter 3, which gave me a feel for where you are going.This is an enjoyable read with no nitpicks to report for the editor. Backed.

I think you have the YA target perfect. They will just love this story--full of realationship, bit of mystery and tension.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

It sucks when life shows you its dark side early. YOu have a strong main character in Rachael. Shelved.

Starts with great hook and a tense action sequence. Your prose is firm and clear, and your dialogue sounds natural. Rachel's voice and psychology are particularly realistic.
My one concern about the opening chapter is Kristin's emotional reactions. Speaking as someone who's been in a similar situation, her emotional response doesn't quite read as realistic-- you need to get at the feeling of fear, rather than just informing the reader that she's afraid.

Hey Sherri, this is a good read! Your opening is brilliant and hooks straight away! Am looking forward to reading more! My only nit is the short and long pitch repeat! You dont need to repeat that a childhood friend dies, we know that already! Small beer though girl and this deserves a place on the shelf!
Simon