War of the Gods: The Wizard's Revenge

Hello Sarah-Jayne - I have read your prologue and chapter one. A few notes, which you can choose to ignore if you wish:

Scene construction - this is great - you keep me interested from the start to the finish of each of these excerpts. Good tension and action.

Voice - you alternate voices and often it is good to stick with one or to switch by scene, so as to create the strongest bond possible between the main character(s) and the reader. Reading on, I am looking to see who your main character is and, although I know it is Light, I might suggest you make this clear to us as early as possible and make sure the rest of the book reflects this.

General editing - you could also look to tightening up your writing by seeing if you can replace adverbs and adjectives or ditch superfluous words.

I think the birth scene is skilled and overall, I like your work very much.

Backed for the past week or so.
Best wishes, Catherine, Whirl of the Wheel :)

A nice mix of fast-paced thriller and magical fantasy. It gives it a dark edge. I like it.

Andrew

Hi Sarah, As promised some time ago, I have just read the first 2 chapters of your book. I will be backing this when I have finished these comments as I really do think that you have the talent to make this a wonderful story. But you have a lot of work to do. I have some comments, per chapter, but be advised I am no expert. However, I have been told by many that I'm pretty good at this. Lets see what you think.
CHAPTER ONE: The italics in the first chapter are bothersome. If this is to be a 'Prologue', just say that at the top. I would delete 'clear' in the first paragraph for tension. Use commas, rather than dashes, to indicate a thought within a thought. You neglect to tell your reader why distracting her brother is more important than wounding or killing him. 'the other God's' I would change this to 'her brother's'. 'sword flicked out' I would find a stronger word for 'flicked' which seems too foo-foo.
CHAPTER TWO: 'as close to a plea as the half-elf could come.' I would change this awkward phrase to simply 'pleading'. 'Ista returned to her body'. Did she actually leave her body? I'm not sure because in the previous paragraph, you had told us that she felt 'almost' as if 'she was floating outside of her body.' Please clarify. Delete 'only narrowly missing hitting the tree' which is very awkward. Besides, deleting it will add needed tension to the scene. You say 'all coherent thought fled her' yet she is still able to tell Jorel what to do just two paragraphs later. 'put the filthy blanket' Wouldn't 'dirtied' or 'soiled' or even 'messy' be better than 'filthy'? Its hard to think of something as 'filthy' that is associated with the miracle of birth. 'before he arrived' You had already said earlier that 'He's here.' 'get hold of' I would change this to simply 'have' for more tension. 'he'd still be able to see them if they were invisible' Huh? This warrants some explanation, please. Did he also take the wolf-pup with him? Its not clear.
Well, that is it. Except to say that I must caution you as to your use of the many '-ly' words such as 'mockingly', 'heavily', 'slightly', 'slowly' and many more, some of which you use multiple times. In almost every case (with the possible exception of dialogue), a sentence becomes stronger and carries more literary tension when these pesky adverbs are deleted. Please try it and I think you will see what I mean. Also, make sure every word counts and that every word moves your story forward. If it doesn't, delete, delete, delete. I went over my book with this in mind and I ended up deleting a lot, even one whole chapter. Yes, it hurt. But my book was better for the work. I will do it again before its all over, too. I hope you can dicipher my comments and I hope that some of them help. Stick to this because I really believe, with a bit of honest editing, you will end up with a compelling fantasy that publishers would love to snap up. Good Luck and I'm backing this right now....

Dear Sarah-Jayne, I’d be enjoying immensely even if your protagonist hadn’t taken the form of a cat. What struck me immediately is that your narrative has the most ambitious of any I can recall: your protagonist and antagonist are the most basic of all archetypes, and you trace their ongoing conflict—even Milton’s Paradise Lost seems limited in comparison.

Jung said that archetypes were individuated in dreams, symbols, and literature, and that’s what you do here—splendidly. Indeed, one of the many amazing things about this is that you personify the most abstract of ideas in such concrete, well developed characters.

Not only does your narrative embody oppositions skillfully and gracefully, but the story it tells is highly imaginative and compelling, and you write as superbly as you imagine and construct.

It’s no exaggeration to say your amazing series has everything. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

A graphic and detailed (and exhausting) description of child-birth. Everything a male might want to know! Except perhaps this:

““You’d better clean her up and cut the cord before our next child comes along.”... Even while he did so, he couldn’t stop looking at the baby. He could hardly believe how lovely and perfect she was. Tiny wings trembled, as if she wanted to unfurl them and fly.”

We are of course in the magical world of fantasy:

“Jorel knew that they didn’t have much time. He struggled to pull his thoughts together; to come up with some kind of plan. “Our first priority must be the safety of our children. There are two different spells I can use. The first is invisibility. The other is a way of bonding them to an animal spirit, so that they are disguised as that animal.”...
Jorel had a split second to decide which animals to bond the babies to. For his daughter, he chose a cat. For his son, a wolf.”

This is a very good creative read:

“ Light wanted to tell Teren that it was all right - that she didn’t blame her - but her words caught in her throat. She noticed the bruises around Teren’s neck. ¤What happened to you?¤ Instinctively, she knew that Teren had been hurt because of her. ¤Let me see.¤ She arched her head up.
Teren moved back out of her reach. “It’s all right,” she answered. “Did the demon attack you? I didn’t know Braela was an enemy.”
It’s all right.¤ Light found her eyes drawn to the red-haired boy who was standing with Braela. Something told her that he was hurt as well. Maybe the dreamscape had unlocked some kind of special ability. She also noticed that Braela seemed to be unconscious. ¤Why do I think that she’s not entirely responsible for this?
“I think there’s this theory that the dark god can twist people against their will.”...

Inside Braela’s mind, Light found tendrils of darkness wrapped around the woman’s soul. As she reached out to touch one of the tendrils, she noticed that she’d returned to the human form – but that quickly went out of her mind as she realised that the tendrils almost cringed from her touch. When she looked more closely, she noticed that there was a faint golden mist coming from her fingertips. When the mist touched the tendrils, they flinched away – as if it was harmful.”

Just the sort of thing that readers of this genre will lap up so to speak. Shelved.

Sarah-Jayne, it's a pleasure to back War of the Gods. I enjoyed your story and I liked your writing - Light is a great character. Hopefully this reaches you before they take the site down for maintenance and I head off for a book launch in Dublin.

If you feel it warrants it, could you possibly give Weimar Vibes a short spin on your shelf.

Best wishes - Phil Rowan

War of the Gods opens with a curiously inept goddess of light setting about her dark brother with a sword, but I couldn't fault the action, and C2 continues in the same vein with pace and drama. You establish the 'worldview' and evok your characters well, and by picking Gods as your main characters you have a wonderful freedom for them to do absolutely anything - what more could an author ask for! This will appeal to Fantasy fans, and deserves to be backed.
A few things to think about for the next edit, though. The pitch is a bit anodyne - I'd suggest beefing it up with more on the nature of the journey and the key milestones along the way. I felt C1 needs a bit more context so we know something about why there's such an apparently one-sided fight and a hook to link to the rest of the story. C2 got a bit repetitious in the birth scenes - powerful stuff, but just 'cos its twins you don't have to tell us about it twice. After that it all got going well. Good luck

war of the gods – the wizard’s revenge

good prologue, fluid and confident writing

the birth scene is a strong start – though perhaps slightly more detail than necessary re placentas etc?? – the undertones of danger for Ista and her newborns shadowing the moment... and the failed plan to protect the children by turning them into animal form.

the premise is one of perpetual interest – good versus evil – which you have given an interesting twist with Light forced to inhabit, and escape, the body of a cat

i am giving this a spin on my rotating shelf and wish you well with it

freddie
("honour")

Dear Sarah-Jayne,

You have the bones of a great story, here, especially your MC, who is very empathetic. I note from the comments below that nobody seems able or willing to give you any help which might give you a goal for your next edit. Here are some suggestions:

1. Watch out for descriptors which water down your prose. "a little", "a bit", "somewhat", that sort of thing. I'm not against adverbs, but those are killers.
Ch 14: "…probably wasn't likely…"
Ch 20 "…a little surprisingly…frowned a bit at the sword…"
Ch 24 "…tugged the hood up a little…"
"Almost pushed to its very limits"

Also watch out for unnecessary adverbs:
Ch 16 "Light suddenly found herself in a denser part of the forest." Don't you mean that she suddenly realized she was in the dense part of the forest? Why "suddenly"?
I would never use "determinedly" at all. Have you ever heard anyone actually use it in conversation?

2. POV. This is a hard one to get through to young writers. Every time you change POV, you lessen your empathy with your MC. I don't see the reason for the chapter (around 18) from Kayata's POV. Then in Ch 19, Light has a dream from Kayata's POV. that's really a stretch. In Ch20 you're really head-hopping. Unless you clean this up, no editor will ever look at your work.

3. A main problem that I have, as a reader, is that there is no sense of place. People move from realm to realm from time to time, with ease, so there is nothing for the reader to connect to. In Ch 20, for example she just starts running, "…feeling the need to keep moving." Readers really like to know where they are and where the characters are going, and don't like to be disoriented.

4. My most serious complaint, as a reader and a critic, is that your story structure is too complicated. You jump from present to dream state (the italics are a good idea, BTW. They help a lot, but not enough) frequently, and there is no relationship between the two. In Ch 17, for example, her dreams are out of synch with her waking reality. She's talking as if Ohril is under her brother's spell, but in her dream she just saved him, and watched him go back to battle to the death against her brother.

The total result of the confusion in the reader's mind caused by points 3 and 4 above, is that we feel that you, as the author, can do anything you want, and we have to accept it. This is not a good position to be in, relative to your readers, because we like to think that you are operating under some sort of rules, which we can learn, which will help us understand your story. Trying to figure out what is happening is a game, which, in this story, mirrors the MC's state of mind, so it works. However, if you make the game too difficult, readers feel discouraged and manipulated, and give up. There are some forms of literature which accept much more of this sort of thing, but epic fantasy is not one of them.

I understand that these comments may sound harsh, but please believe me, they are carefully considered, and intended only to be helpful.

Sincerely,

Gordon Long
"…Kitten?"

It's quite unusual to see such lofty fantasy any more and I was pleased to find elves in the first chapter. Always a winner.

Prologues in italics always make me a bit uneasy; generally it's a signal that vague and slightly superfluous prose will follow, and though yours was interesting it didn't quite shake off that feeling. I don't think you'd lose anything of the high fantasy tone if you were to enhance the casual voice you use- I thought it was really refreshing to see in a story that's otherwise Tolkienesque, so perhaps playing it up a bit would make the prologue seem even fresher? I think the only other constructive thing I can say is that you sometimes seem to lapse into a few cliches. The dramatic ellipses didn't do much to help there: 'Very clever...But not quite clever enough' rang warning bells, and I thought that maybe the physical help of a tree was little on the twee side considering the otherwise powerful nature of the writing.

These are little things though, and you're shelved because it's lovely to see some proper fantasy.
NK Pulley (Angelisterre)

A nice fantasy to sink my teeth into. Felt good. There are a few places that could use a bit of an edit but that is why were are here isn't it? We all have those few places. Other than that it was a story with a strong voice and that is all that can be asked for. On my shelf C.P

Hi Sarah-Jayne.

Lovely writing and great description, especially of poor Ista's labour and the twins' birth. I could almost hear her screaming!
The prologue is nicely mysterious too, the fact that the goddess is wounded engages our sympathy right from the start.

The wizard's appearance and callous slaying of Jorel and Ista is well handled, but I wondered if you could inject just a bit more tension into that chapter? It's only vaguely mentioned that they are being pursued, most of the attention is centred on the birth. I didn't get any sense of their urgency nor did I feel any fear when Ista had to stop where she did. The twins' birth was very quick - I'm sure you could have added some menacing touches to the scene. Just something to lift this and make it it really stand out from the rest.

I did see one or two nits:
Pro:
clearing...clear thoughts...bit of repetition.
but it wasn't like...this isn't great grammar. 'But she didn't really know how to use it?'
Ch 1:
Can't it wait? This sounded a bit incongruous. I can't imagine many labouring women responding well to such a question! 'Can't you hold on' perhaps?
The elf...the half-elf...if Jorel is a half-elf, don't use the full term 'elf'.
Ista shook her head; and took...watch the punctuation. You don't need even a comma here let alone a semi-colon.
great feeling of loss...shouldn't that be 'feeling of great loss?'
Abruptly Ista felt strangely...Watch those adverbs!

Those points aside this definitely has something and was enjoyable and engrossing to read. Happy to shelve.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

This really pulls you in. I was shocked by the Wizard's visit and you've made me curious enough to want to read more. Well written. Shelved.

A classic form of writing fantasy. Very enjoyable with a short and to the point pitch. Loved what I've read thus far and putting this on my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Sarah-Jayne
Can I just say all comments are the thoughts of others and it’s up to you to take them onboard of discard, as you see fit.
Chapter 1 feels like your prologue. I like that it is short and succinct, straight into action, builds suspense, and then leaves us hanging…
Chapter 2. Wow. This is good. You write with a simple intensity, which is very addictive. I feel for Jorel and Ista (and love their names) and it is very easy to like them. Strength of character often lacks in this genre, but you put life into these elves. I particularly enjoyed their rapport and the weight behind some of their words. Nice work!
Hey, nice short chapters that keep the pages turning. I’m reading on and if I make any major discoveries, I’ll make some notes and post them over.
So, far, you have gone a long way to restoring my faith in the genre. Thank you. I’m enjoying this immensely.
Already on my shelf!
David
Green Ore

Fascinating subject matter! A really intriguing pitch! looking forward to reading more!
Simon

Hi Sarah-Jayne.
I've revisited, as promised. I don't have anything to add to my earlier remarks, however. I think your story is shaping up nicely. I haven't explored much fantasy, but I find this very readable. I'm putting it on my shelf. Cheers, Collin (*MOM*)

Very nice. I love the imagination of this world. Can't wait to read more, but don't have the time right now.
Happily shelved.

Hi Sarah-Jayne,
This is a very compelling read, the premise is strong and original and the writting is spot on and perfectly paced. This is definitely going on my shelf and I will be back to read more later.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

Hello Sarah-Jayne,

I have to say that I really enjoyed your story line. I think you have some neat ideas. I look forward to reading more and seeing how everything develops. I have some suggestions for you. Please keep in mind that I’m in no way a professional. I’m just a person who loves to read and who wants to help others. My suggestions are just suggestions and most are the things I’ve learned on this site that have helped improve my story. If you do not find my suggestions helpful, please pay them no mind, because that is all they are meant to be.

Prologue - …stepped into the clearing, she didn’t have any clear… I would use a word other than clear here, since you have clearing in the same sentence.

Even she knew that he was just toying… I’m not sure why the even is there. Where there others watching that would have also known?

CH1 – Then you make yourself comfortable… you can get rid of the you.

…which brought with it a feeling of great loss. Don’t tell us about loss, show us. How did she respond to the great loss. If you think it’s inappropriate to show what her reaction is (lump in her throat, eyes misted, etc.), I’d get rid of it. Just because she seems a little preoccupied.

In the next moment, though… I would get rid of though. The sentence flows much better without it.

Abruptly, Ista felt strangely… try to avoid using too many “ly” words. Especially multiples in a single sentence.

…what she’d sensed, though… The though slows down your sentence, and it’s getting to an exciting part. Something’s about to happen, you don’t want to slow down your sentences here.

…narrowly missing hitting the tree. Say this sentence out loud and see if there is any way you can reword it to make it flow more smoothly.

After a little while of looking around in confusion… She’s in labor! Perhaps he should be emptying that backpack as quickly as he can to help her.

Put a couple of them between my legs… I don’t know that a woman being ripped through with contractions would be capable of a complete sentence. Maybe some pointing, grunting and a few odd words. You have lots of these full sentences during labor.

I think he would have to tie off the umbilical cord with something in order to prevent bleeding.

He’s worried about his kids, yet he’s taking the time to detail the plan out to his wife? Show us what he does instead. Let us be surprised.

As I said before I really like the story line and the premise of the book, so yes, I am shelving it.

Good luck!

Amanda

I read the first couple of chapters. It moves quickly so yuo have that working for you. Pacing can kill story interest but not this effort.

Both pitches work.

What really drew my eye was that you use Jorel to start too many sentences/paragraphs. Ista is used too frequently as well.

Besides that, you are good to go, my friend. SHELVED! I do look forward to your comments and possible backing if you have not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

I liked the prologue and thew growing suspense of the birth scene. Given that I had read the pitch, I thought that she was going to give birth to a cat, which might have been a bit bizarre, so i liked the way you used magic to transform the new born babies. This was very imaginative and held my interest, which is a feat, since fantasy is not often a genre I read.
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

Hi Sarah-Jayne!

You've got a wicked imagination and you're putting it to good use here! This is a fantastic fantasy thriller, filled with intrigue and action. You've doen a great job of detailing your characters, and I look forward to seeing just where this is going. I'm shelving and will be back for more!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Sarah-Jayne, this is a compelling story - well-written and with great dialogue. Shelved.

Hi Sarah-Jayne.

Many thanks for supporting *MOM*.

You’re spinning a wonderfully imaginative tale, here. And you have a talent for the dramatic. The wizard’s killing of the elvish parents and taking of the newborn babies in their bonded-to-animal forms, e.g., has great impact. Meanwhile, in that and in what follows you do a nice job of building a complex sense of mystery. Light is a fine character, a compelling mix of richly human with legendary/mythical qualities.

I hope you don’t mind if I mention a couple of small things you might reconsider.

The scene where Ista gives birth is very dramatic, for example, but you have the baby coming out “coated in blood and other horrible-looking substances.” In the next sentence you say Jorel “didn’t notice the mess.” I believe readers will wonder, on some level, if Jorel didn’t notice, then *who* found the afterbirth “horrible”? Point of view can be a treacherous thing; I believe this is a case of the authorial perspective intruding where it shouldn’t.

Shortly afterward, you say, “Despite the slight trembling in his fingers, he was able to carefully cut the umbilical cord.” Conciseness is one of the most important rules of style, and wordiness tends to be a recurrent problem for most writers, including myself. It’s a good idea to question every word you use, and to examine every grammatical structure, asking yourself whether you could achieve your goals in fewer words. In the above instance, you could ask yourself whether “slight” adds anything important. Same goes for “carefully.” What if you said something like, “With trembling fingers, he cut the umbilical cord”? In your place, I’d ask myself whether I’ve distorted my intended meaning, and whether it has affected the rhythm I want. If it hasn’t, I’d go with the eight words instead of the original sixteen—it makes the passage easier to process. More readable, in other words. (Here I am, using a ton of words to say something simple. Physician heal thyself, eh?) Maybe it doesn’t seem very important with just one sentence but, if you apply the same attitude to the story as a whole, it can make an enormous difference.

Anyway, I hope I’m not sounding too pedantic. You show every sign of having real talent as a writer, and I wish you the very best with *War of the Gods*. I’m watchlisting it for now (I’ve just crammed my shelf), and I’ll be back to look again with a view to backing it. How far does your manuscript extend at this point?

Cheers, Collin

Hi Sarah-Jayne,

This is an intriguing story. I was immediately pulled in. I’ve only read two chapters but it’s enough to see that there’s a lot of potential here. Good characterisation and dialogue. The only thing I didn’t pick up on was the setting.

It’s well written and I’m certain it will go far.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Hi Sarah-Jayne

I was quickly engaged into the world your characters inhabit. The self-doubt felt by Light makes her easy to empathise with and the fight action keeps the pace moving swiftly forward. Then we see the time of her birth, filled with joy and sadness - and of course towards the end conflict and horror. By then i'm hooked and keen to keep on reading.

Developmentally, at your next edit it might be useful to indicate the time of chapter one, and then of chapter two so that its signposted to the reader up front.

Shelved :-)

Best wishes
Lorelli (The Man Whisperer)

This sounds interesting. I like the idea of darkness and being siblings. It is somehow very organic.

A birthing in the middle of a chase scene, interesting idea for increasing the suspense.