Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth

Hey Lesley-Ann!
I love the pace in your story; the descriptions and details! Great job! You got talent here! And the characters are well-built, you know them well, which is very important! :) You've achieved a great story-line, awesome characters in really well-built world! Backed with pleasure! :)

Robert Eetheart
A Candle's End

Hi Lesley,

What a great story. I absolutely love your two main characters and I instantly found myself cheering them on eagerly. I think you've made an excellent choice making them elves, it somehow adds innocents to their character and personality. Well done. You've designed a fantasy world so in depth as to make it real for the reader. I really enjoyed reading this, and I'm happy to have backed your work.

Good Luck and Best Wishes

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

I thought this was very strong! You've written something that's got quite a special feel to it. I'm envious of your imagination and your descriptions! You have a talent for this kind of writing. Great characters too, they add to an already rich story. Good luck with this.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

This is really great! My kind of book. It is strong and captivating. The characters are very well developed. You have an imaginative and creative mind. Well done! Backed with pleasure!

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

Top marks for description, you couldn't get any better in my opinion.
Very well thought out and written.
You have great talent when it comes to drawing the reader into the story and keeping them there.
Best of luck.

Regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest)

A couple of niggles (for me) First line, 'into the west thesun was sinking.' seemed a bit odd somehow. It was have made more sense to say 'The sun was sinking in the west'
You say (wonderful image!) 'the tamed paths of stones' - but then say they 'twisted in complete disorder' which belies them being tamed, somehow.
You then mentioned the city and said 'which consisted of elves....' etc. To me, a city cannot consist of people. Dwellings, regions, areas perhaps, but the city itself can't consist of people. You could say whose inhabitants consisted of elve..... etc.

These are only personal niggles that pulled me out of the story and may not bother anyone else.

Overall, I loved the opening description of the place - some wonderful evocations of place and atmosphere setting up the story. Some people say you 'need to' bring characters in quickly, to provide interest and involvement, but I like getting to know the place where it all happens, so that I can see it clearly.

The descriptions of the violence - bodies hung everywhere etc. was also done really well. You certainly can write. I shall be reading all you've posted, and giving you good stars and putting you on my watchlist for when my queue is shorter! (I've got a bit behind doing Nanowrimo last month) Good stuff.
Cariad.

Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth is definitely a book to read and enjoy. Lesley-Ann, I read the first chapter and had a great time. You have powerful imagery and vivid characters, the part with bodies hanging in the air gave me the willies. On the whole, it’s excellent! I have some suggestions for you on how to polish your MS. I hope you don’t mind me messaging them to you this way.

- The colour of the flags varied according to each wall … equestrians and soliders [soldiers];
- The middle wall was used as a secondary defence … The port callus was heavily guarded [perhaps you mean ‘portcullis’];
- So rightly named it was for the water never froze over … providing a direct line of sight of what exactly was their. [there];
- Leo was rather tall; his long light coloured hair fell gracefully … This had drawn sympathy towards him, something he couldn’t bare [bear];
- Septimus was slightly taller than Leo … He [was] mysterious in many ways;
- “You should know by now not to sit behind the doors” shouted down one of the archers. [doors,” shouted];
- the Lake of Flames – what a beautiful name for a lake!
- They reached the stables and lay down their packs in amongst the straw [laid down];
- Leos’ eyes were coming together [Leo’s];
- Bodies hanging in mid air intrigued me beyond measure—this is an unforgettable image, I mean with all those details you give—eyeless sockets, and toothless mouths. Their blood dribbled slowly out nostrils – wow! That’s scary!
- She was standing facing a man … Leo could not see its feet but he could here them [hear];
- This object was a small, white, jewel in the shape … Black clouds of magic mixed with red clouds of magic as they wound there way to the top [their way to the top];
- “Give him to me” whispered the creature. [me,” whispered];
- “No” she whispered back. [“No,” she whispered];
- “I believe it is” she replied. [is,” she replied.];
- “That is where you are wrong my dear. [wrong, my dear.];
- Nothing was said. She just stared at the creature… resided in the creatures’ hand [creature’s].

Your manner of writing is different from the rest on authonomy, which appeals to me greatly. I’m going to six-star rate your book and wish you the best of luck with it.

Kindest regards,
Ivan

Lesley-Ann,

As a fellow fantasy fan, I stumbled upon your work and took a look through it. Here's some feedback:

Okay, the first chapter is really quite heavy going; it's an information dump to say the least. But your writing is good and so it's possible to get through it. I would advise cutting down on the exposition and description there, shortening sentences by removing adjectives and adverbs and putting bits to the side - the reader doesn't need to know all that straight away and some of it would work better being transplanted later on, as and when needed.

Saying that, your imagination is obviously very broad and you've clearly spent quite some time building this world and its inhabitants. It uses standard fantasy themes in a way unique to you, which is another helping hand in getting the reader into it.

The second chapter is better than the first, with shorter narrative allowing the reader to create their own experience of the story, which is exactly how to keep them reading. I would suggest a rethink of some of the dialogue; you've used it to explain some things, which while that's fine to do it sometimes feels a bit formal rather than being how a person would speak.
The pace picks up in the story, the reader is rushed along but not left behind and the character's confusion seeps out into the reader, creating empathy and so allowing them to care - another way to keep them hooked.

Overall, while there are some typos and repetition issues (nothing a good proof read won't fix) and the descrption is quite heavy, you demonstrate a very good grasp of English and an excellent imagination, both of which are the key skills for writing fantasy. Furthermore, you say you're 20? Well, for someone of that age, this is very good. It's certainly far better than I was capable of at 20.

D M Sharples.

Hi there,
Sorry this has taken me so long to get to, I've been so busy at work.
Firstly, I enjoyed the second chapter far more than the first. (I have already mentioned chapter one to you in a message). Secondly I love the forest, your descriptions are beautiful.
I love the relationship between Septimus and Leo.
My only issue with the forest scene, is when they hear something behind them. Though the pace throughout this chapter speeds along nicely, I would have liked it to slow down at this point.
Would they not be frightened? Perhaps this is merely my own taste? I do not claim to be an expert.
Other than that, I am enjoying the story so far :)

Luciana

Hi Lesley Anne,
I read the first chapter and agree with many of your cherry picked comments. You really do have a grasp on writing this genre.
I did find the beginning a bit tedious to get through, I wondered if you could start with the Lord Elf looking out over his kingdom and describing its details from there, so the reader has a character to hold onto, rather than waiting to find out who the story is about. They might be more interested in your description of the kingdom, if they have a feel for who lives there. Not sure...just a thought.
Otherwise once we meet Leo and get caught up in his disturbing dreams the story really takes off.
I'm sure many who love fantasy will enjoy this,
Well done,
Cheers Jacoba

Hi Lesley Ann

Early on in c1 I feel you are trying too hard and as a consequence it felt like the writer was trying to describe everything, rather than create a believable scene in a fantastic setting. Dont' get me wrong you are a master of your subject matter and clearly have created a unique story here.
Perhaps this is the problem of having a long edit that spans a number of time periods. I find it hard to be ruthless at times with paragraphs I have sweated over and pulled around. Less is more in this case and perhaps the dialogue could be pulled forward to carry this off. But then what do I know!

Best Wishes

Richard

Lesley-Ann,
Your book has a melodic quality to it as you paint your scenes with phrases following a certain cadence clearly in evidence. The camaraderie between Leo and Septimus suggests danger and adventure up ahead as their bonding equips them for the worst. To nitpick, in the first chapter, were you intending to say "assassination attempts" when you wrote "assignation attempts?" Just wondering.
Overall, "Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth" is a wonderful tale, and I'm looking forward to more chapters.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Your book was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. I read the first 2 chapters! Great descriptive writing. There are a few editing errors though. Happy to BACK you. Good Luck.
Sue50

Backed Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth. Original-haven’t read any books on Authonomy based on Elves. Good job describing you fantasy world. When you decide to revise, take a look at the dialogue. A few punctuation errors that can easily be fixed.
Examples:
1. “Give him to me” whispered the creature. Needs a comma-“Give him to me,” whispered the creature.
2. “No” she whispered. Needs comma- “No,” she whispered.
3. “I believe it is” she replied. Needs a comma- “I believe it is,” she replied.
Good luck. Hope you will take a look our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Okay...third attempt!

Going to do it quickly now in case I lose this one too! :((

Great balance in the opeing paragraphs. Clean open writing that evokes solid images, perfect use of words that are effective, economical and describe extremely efficiently. Here you have allowed the reader space to imagine for themselves. Well Done!

Wonderful setting that sits firmly in the mind and later, very good dialogue that enriches interaction between characters. You have your target audience in focus. Lovely!

However, coming off the opening paragraphs you have a tendency for overdescribing. Info-dumps, really. I would condense some of your later passages and save them for down the track. Nothing goes to waste. Perhaps (now this is the third time I'm doing this, :( ), Stop your story at the end of Esttallian. IMO.

Restart with the two elves. And condense.

Example:
"...Esttallian.

The night had just begun for the two young elves.
Wanting to practice their archery, they had left the "City of Glass" as the city was known because of its crystaline turrets and towers of ice and marble. They had arrived at a raised patch of land close to a small temple. Beyond, lay the shores of the Lake of Fire."

Determined here are three things. Elves, detailed image of the city, and you open up the landscape of Ezereth. All these things you already have. You have the skeleton, now flesh it out as you did at the beginning of your story. Economise and blend. Condense. My POV, Lesley-Ann.

Now, later, you can introduce the leader. And condense here as well.

"Lord Estomeer stood on a balcony overlooking the city.
In the fading light, turrets rose from the three defensive walls like fangs from a fabled dragon. He closed his eyes and could hear the snap of pennants atop the turrets. Each flag, he knew, was colored according to each turret. The colors swirled in his mind.

Estomeer, smiled and his eyes shuttered open. Below, the army barracks lay steeped in shadow. The elven soldiers would just now be retiring for their evening respite. The female elven warriors, those with their special talents, would have eaten already and be back at their posts. They were his pride and joy.

He turned to return inside. Light from the braziers lit the planes of his face, reflecting his elven features. Signs of aging marred his skin and a wealth of hair, once a shiny black, was streaked grey, almost as white as the scruffy goatee that adorned his chin. Lord Estomeer sighed. His had been a long, long life."

What I did here was took a number of paragraphs what you had and condensed them so they interacted with the character. See that, Lesley-Ann?

Ok, now as you get down this chapter here's a classic example of overdescribing. I'll just tidy it and see how it changes.

"It was a strong oak door with tiny engravings carved into the relief. Leo drew closer. Magic seemed to bleed through the door. Faint green lines crackled and shifted as he bent to inspect it. He hesitated. Something is hidden beyond here, he thought, or maybe the door's a warning in itself. Shrugging, as if the gesture would give him much needed confidence... confidence he wasn't sure he felt, he suddenly flung the door open."

You'll know the paragraph. See how it creates a tension spike? Promotes the reader to want to read more.

There are some small grammar mistakes, such as commas in speech, etc. But they'll clean up with an edit.
Some of the sentences are a bit clumsy and not in the easy flow you create earlier.

"Septimus was slightly taller than Leo was but still rather slim."

How about, "Septimus was slim and slightly taller than Leo." Simple over complex. Easy fix.

I better get this submitted before the PC does a wobbly on me. :(
All of this is just my POV. But if you take it, have fun with it, Lesley-Ann. Have fun developing it. And see how the changes bring your story to life! :)

All the best with this and I will come back and watch the work in progress.

Warmest Regards
Andrew

There is much to admire here. The opening is positively lyrical, although quite slow paced for this type of book. This may give you a problem with some publishers.

You might want think about your opening sentence. It is quite complex and I’m not convinced the punctuation is all it should be. Would it read better as, “In the west the sun was sinking, casting a beautiful golden glow upon the darkening forests of Ezereth which lay beneath the tall and jagged hills hiding the horizon.” ?

Overall, the prose flowed smoothly, but every now and then I saw sentences like the first one, which came across as unnecessarily convoluted to my ear, or strangely structure and punctuated. There are also some spelling typos which you will probably want to edit out.

I personally have probably read one too many books about elves to want to buy this, but I can imagine those who are still fresh to the worlds of elves really liking the book. Good luck with it.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

I liked the term “assignation attempts”, but thought it odd that you completely drop the leader for the duration of the chapter after going through all that trouble to describe him.
You start three times with the weather/sun description, the third time “long since gone” contradicts the first two.
I only read a few pages, but if you want edits, here are a few:

Redundancy: unforgettable that still haunted his memory.
Spelling: portcullis
Fragment: Providing they sent word to their parents.
Spelling: practicing, though I’m not versed in all the British forms which honour tells me you use.
Fragment: That people could die
Disagreement of pronoun referral and gender: the man headed toward her… the face … its feet.

accomplice has two c's.

People keep telling me you shouldn’t open a book with the weather. I disagree – I love your opening paragraphs, especially ‘the wind came like crystals of ice’.
You have a lovely writing style – it makes me think of myths and fables. There is a beautiful timelessness about it. I love books that focus on prose rather than constant ‘he said, she said’.

I hope to shelve this very soon – if I haven’t backed it in a few days, message me and remind me!!

Anna,
Angelwings

I've read most of the first chapter, though I will read more when i have time. There's a few mistakes in the part about the Enchanted, but other than that it's well written. If there's one thing I can appreciate it's a unique story and yours definitely is. I look forward to reading more.
Katie

Hi Lesley, Just took a look. Upon editing you may shorten it quite a bit since there's a lot of 'wordiness', but few books are spared that criticism. I always recommend working with a pro editor. Good job.

Normally, when I read something where the writer has said it has taken years on-and-off, you can see where they've dove back in for big edits.

From 1-6, your chapters flow without problem. I take it you have re-written these six from scratch rather than simply updated them with "bigger words" from time to time?

It is always sad when the person you want to be most proud of you is not there to see a finished product. My gran was an english teacher. I would love to have surprised her with a published book myself!

All my best
A J

Lesley, this book is amazing! It's like you're painting with words, I don't lose concentration which can sometimes happen (it's a teen thing probably)

It's my pleasure Backing your book

Conor,
The Hydromancer

It is quite good for a work in progress. That you started writing it at a younger age shows a bit in places, but with time and an older, more mature eye to it, you have the potential to make this an even better story than it already is.

Keep up the good work, I'd like to see more from this, and will be watching it as you progress.

Hi Lesley.

I've read the first few chapters and I have to say I really love the story. As someone already said the choice of using the elves makes this more original in an already saturated fantasy market and I think you've done a really good job. I'd like to read this in paperback, and I can imagine sitting down and being carried off into a different world which for me is the whole point in reading in the first place.
Very imaginative and I hope to see this do well.I'll star and back asap! Best of luck, and let me know if you need anything else read, I'd be happy to do so,

Hey Lesley-Ann!
I love the pace in your story; the descriptions and details! Great job! You got talent here! And the characters are well-built, you know them well, which is very important! :) You've achieved a great story-line, awesome characters in really well-built world! Backed with pleasure! :)

Robert Eetheart
A Candle's End

ur aged 20? this is a ridiculously good story whatever age u are, but being so young shows you obviously have a good writing career ahead of you. the world u build up is really imaginative and exciting to be in. id rather be outside the wall than in! Backed!

This is a great book, immensely imaginative and powerful storyline. I think you have very skilfully characterised the elves and woven then into a wonderful story. Good luck.

Excellent conept written with great imagination. Elves conjure up images of Lord of the rings but they are used in a different context here. Twisting and turning, the story never lets up and we really feel for these two and forget they are elves but real people with hearts that can be broken like the rest of us.

This is a rich and enchanting world you've built. Your powers of description are excellent: The forest grew damp and dark...only to be lit by (the) dancing fireflies. I would omit the word 'the'. The wind came like crystals of ice...to join the fresh blanket of (silky) snow. Again, I'd admit the word 'silky.'

However, there is quite a high use of adverbs: ...flags of (a finely) spun gold flew (highly)... I would suggest: ...flags of spun gold flew high... The adverbs finely and highly, slow the sentence down and are not really needed.

Repetition and wordiness: ... The large city of Esttallian, (which consisted of) which was populated by... (as a) wood nymph's singing was (as) beautiful (as) the dawn... A wood nymph's singing was as beautiful as the dawn. He rarely used or listened to the (advice) given by his (advisors) counillors.

Typos: The (port callus) - portcullis. ...avoiding (assignation) - I think you mean: assassination.

Despite these minor errors, which can easily be corrected, this story holds a lot of promise. Try reading your manuscript aloud, it helps to spot the above. I wish you the very best of luck with this. Backed.

This is an excellent, engaging premise. Leo is wonderful, real and easy to connect with. The world seems well designed and enchanting. Brilliant.

You do need to do a quick edit for punctuation mistakes, particularly near dialogue, but other than that, this is a very promising piece.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Thankyou to everyone who has so far commented. I am really taking on board what has been written :)

Wonderland is best described here and you do it so marvelously well. I think you have a winner here but I would suggest breaking the big paragraphs up into smaller ones. You have great imagination that comes over really beautifully and your two Elvins are fascinating.
Very good

backed

Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth
Lesley-Ann Grubis

Enchanting fantasy world Lesley-Ann. Leo and Septimus are well drawn and I enjoyed what I read so far.
(Tiny nit - about for or five paragraphs before the end of chapter 1 where you write "..to fetch two carrots from box" either an "a" or "the" is missing before the word "box.") Lots of excitement in your storyline and I look forward to reading more as time permits. Happy to have backed it and all the best in finding a publisher.
Zan

Lesley-Ann, there's a magical smoothness to your first chapter. It's easy to get lost in your prose.

Shelved with pleasure.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Hi Lesley-Ann, The descriptions established the atmosphere well so that I felt an enchantment finally. Sometimes they felt overdone but when the archers came in and the lightning was in the sky, that was one of the nice touches. Then I wondered about Leo’s dream because at first it was an extension of the enchanting place. I can see how it felt very real to him and as an archer. Things will happen here, I expect! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Dear Lesley-Ann, I love your elf story & their quest for peace - that is actually what the world needs also. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs (you may want to cut larger ones in 2 or more for us with short attention spans who miss the middles) & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

Hello Lesley :)

You write beautifully and you have a wonderful story--my only suggestion would be to get to the story and characters faster. Speed up the pace by cutting back on description a bit. This reminds me a bit of my earlier works, only yours is better :P

Punctuation and grammar are all in tact and your characters are fantastic and well drawn. Wishing you all the luck with this. If I can help in any way, let me know. Another great resource (and free) is critiquecircle.com

Good luck!

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Great atmosphere and a fascinating world you've created here. The long paragraphs seem a bit... long. Maybe split them or cut down on the description a bit (and feed extra details in a bit later) Just a minor point - this is very enjoyable!

Your very vivid imagination has created a new and interesting world and your smooth writing style easily transports the reader there. Your book is finely crafted, properly paced and well written. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is solid; especially that of Leo and Septimus. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

you have a lovely title for this, wonderful names. and perhaps a hint of tolkien, here?. yes, but very different, and original...on watchlist...
su dan read SEASONS

While there is an engaging story here, much of it is hidden beneath a layer of overwriting. It's not that the descriptions aren't compelling, but simply that it becomes a bit overdone. Less is more, as they say. I think you could bring out the story even more by cutting back just a bit.

Lockjaw

Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth:

Lesley-Ann, I think your book has lots of promise, and with a bit of tightening, it will be even better. I have a little suggestion, which you may not agree with, and that’s okay, as I likely don’t know what I’m talking about. :o,

Have you ever thought of beginning the story with a character instead of description? Even though you write it very well I thought some of the passages a bit long, and wanted to get to the actual story.

Ever consider this for the opening? - Lord Estomeer watched over his people, etc., and work in the previous paragraphs elsewhere, perhaps in shorter sections?

The following excerpt puzzled me, but as I don’t write, or read a lot of this genre, the problem most likely lies in my own reading comprehension.
…but few wrinkles that had risen to power years before hand in the most unforgettable circumstances that still haunted his memory. – grey used twice in this sentence, and before hand should have a hyphen? Also, I’m having trouble understanding the excerpt above, as you were describing his features – few wrinkles that had risen to power, etc.,?

For a nineteen-year-old you have a great imagination and writing ability, and once you learn to edit, in no time you’ll be even better.

Having said all of the above, I’m no pro, so I won’t mind if you disagree with everything. ;)

All the best, and I’ll pop this on my shelf for a spin.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Hi Lesley,

What a great story. I absolutely love your two main characters and I instantly found myself cheering them on eagerly. I think you've made an excellent choice making them elves, it somehow adds innocents to their character and personality. Well done. You've designed a fantasy world so in depth as to make it real for the reader. I really enjoyed reading this, and I'm happy to have backed your work.

Good Luck and Best Wishes

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

EZELDRON
This is an interesting story. Most readers relate best to characters that are like them (or brave or beautiful people who they want to be) so you’ve cut yourself out a hard job when you make elves as your main characters. Both Leo and Septimus are so likeable, however, I think you’ve pulled this off. I like the way you spent enough time creating this fantasy world that you’re familiar with even it’s smallest details. Allows a reader to believe this world is real. And makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I've read some of the other comments saying they like your descriptions. I do too, but I think they're overdone a bit. I think you could convey the same feeling with less words. THe first three paragraphs were kind of hard for me to get through because they were almost too descriptive, if that makes any sense. I think you should try for a little more simplicity. I'm enjoying the story though!

Really well done, good luck with it. Backed with pleasure. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Lesley-Ann,

Ezeldren Spirt of Ezereth - A mysterious world painted with delightful imagery that trances the reader into the story. I love The City of Glass. With you next edit, you could round the edges, like ... whispers of silence ... stands more powerfully alone without making it ... complicated whispers ... This held up my reading. Smoothening and cleansing the text will make this a jewel.

Backed. Pia (Course of Mirrors)

This is really great! My kind of book. It is strong and captivating. The characters are very well developed. You have an imaginative and creative mind. Well done! Backed with pleasure!

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

I thought this was very strong! You've written something that's got quite a special feel to it. I'm envious of your imagination and your descriptions! You have a talent for this kind of writing. Great characters too, they add to an already rich story. Good luck with this.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

This genre is not my strong point so I'm ill advised to pass constructive criticism.
So I'm just here to say I backed you the other day because I found your descriptive prose excellent.
I hope you'll take a look at my novel in return.
David
Bailey of the Saints.

Top marks for description, you couldn't get any better in my opinion.
Very well thought out and written.
You have great talent when it comes to drawing the reader into the story and keeping them there.
Best of luck.

Regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest)

You know how to create a sense of atmosphere and mystery and I was quickly drawn into your story as we share the nightmare of Leo, the mounting tension only relieved by his awakening.
Your description is very vivid and I think your interweaving of detail gives the reader a sense of immediacy and involvement - the latter ideal for your YA target reader.
You have an acute eye for detail, as reflected in the description and I can also see this as adaptable for film, given the opportunity.

Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Intelligent and ambitious fantasy, I enjoyed your prose enormously - rich with detail and very imaginative. I read your first three chapters and found myself engrossed in your world. There is certainly nnothing to nitpick as far as I'm concerned.
Backed
carl
The Time Hunters

Hi. The story is good, but I think that you try too hard to be descriptive and it sometimes doesn't work. For example, in the second paragraph you have wind coming like crystals and silky snow. The first seems foreboding and the second part sounds like fun. I would try to have the snow seem more sinister. As Alan mentions, you have a rich vocabulary, but try not to use it too much. Allow the reader to use their own imagination at times. If you can do that, I think you will be onto a winner. All the best. Gerry