Bright Eyes

Backed! This is by far one of the best werewolf stories I have ever read, and I've read a LOT. Savannah's character development is amazing and believable, and the other characters as well. Cassius was developed in such a way that while you don't know anything about him, you can read him like an open book only adding to the irony of it all. A terrific read and I cannot wait until the next chapters come out! Great work =].

This is a perfect book for your target audience. it reminded me of Shan, only considerably better and mature. Your opening chapter was just so impressive - I love the idea of being insulted when compared to a cat. This is an intelligently written book, ideal for the YA market but even I would buy this in a heartbeat.
Backed
Carl
The Time hunters

You have created a wonderful character in Savannah. Your use of imagery is excellent, the dialogue is well done and your highly discriptive writing style all ensure that your finely crafted fictional fantasy will have a broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Bright Eyes:

Ayana,

First, the synopsis. This has a very clear structure to it, focused and easily memorable as a whole. And yet it allows scope for intriguing character insights [wolf/human Savannah], romance in the 'pull towards Cassius', mystery in its being an 'unexplainable' pull [re-enter wolf/human personae], jeopardy in the return of a malicious visitor from the past [wolfine?] and then the triumphant marriage of victory and romance in Savannah's giving the threat it's come-uppance.
Hints of Savannah's wolfine connection are subtly and vividly rendered in the opening description [where they need to be] and the focus on her green eyes is done with craft.
The psychological distance of Savannah's father from her, despite his outward politeness, arouses our sympathy for Savannah, particularly when she can only use her father's first name to address him for fear that she would be insincere in addressing him as her 'Dad'.
As we see that she has the prospect of coming to live with him, the hook is now irresistible; when we know what we do of the tension between them and Savannah's wolfine characteristics...

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Brilliant writing, brilliant story.

So, I put your book on my watchlist a few weeks ago.

I finally got a chance to look at it today.

I read to Chapter 20 of the 40 you posted.

Then, I added your book to my shelf! :)


I'm planning on finishing the rest tomorrow. Your book is such an easy read. The story is carried at a good pace, and I feel like I know Savannah. The only suggestion I have deals with her mother's accident. When Savannah is riding in the car with Cassius, he tells her she wouldn't die if the car wrecked, and I got the feeling maybe Savannah was in the car with her mother when she died. I kinda wanted Savannah to say a little more about what exactly happened; she only comments slightly. It left me wanting more! :) I know I haven't read to the end yet, so it might be explained it in detail as I read more, but that was one of my thoughts.

So bottom line: I LOVE THIS BOOK! I can totally see it as a published book, and definitely a movie! I hope there are sequels, and I also hope you post the whole thing on here! Don't leave us hanging!! ;) 6 STARS!!!!!

Love the short pitch!

I wonder if the long pitch would be improved by being written in the third person?

I’m not certain about the title because of the link to the Mike Batts/ Watership Down song “Bright Eyes”, but maybe that was intentional?

Nice opening paragraph, hooking the reader in with promised secrets and oddities from the get-go. And this sense of oddness continues throughout the chapter. Nice one. I liked the father/daughter tension and thought it would go down well with the intended readership. I also liked the implied issue of the mother and the chapter ending, the way it began, with her eyes. The chapter hooked me enough to have me turning the page (metaphorically) to chapter two.

I was surprised this story was set in London. Chapter one had a U.S. feeling to it. Chapter two smoothly develops the father/daughter relationship, gives us some back story and maintains, suspensefully, the feeling of not quite rightness. It’s got me turning more pages.

Ah, now we know the secret. I wondered about the transition scene. She says it’s only a little pain and she’s willing to endure it, but what it described seems potentially excruciating.

This struck me as an entertaining, page-turning read and well suited to its target audience. The prose is largely smooth flowing and once the editing issues have been sorted I think you’ll have a very competitive MS here. Congratulations.

Noticed nits:
Some punctuation was missing.
“My eyes wondered…” should probably be wandered, though I’m not sure of the image this creates. Maybe scanned the room or scrutinized it??
“It’s wasn’t fear…” should be It wasn’t...
“I took my time as I padded a few more steps when I heard rustling” is strange and ungrammatical – I took my time, padding a few more steps when I heard rustling ????

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

Hi Ayana,

I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me so long. Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

Love the first line of your long pitch.

Be careful about tense changes. Everything is past tense until “someone from my past decides to pay me a visit.” Be consistent.

I’m no expert, but I think the short pitch and long pitches are supposed to work independently of one another. I think your short pitch doesn’t tie the long pitch together well, and it just repeats in the long pitch anyway. Just something to think about.

One
Not sure that ellipse in the second line helps you that much, but I’ll leave it up to you.

Why is “Like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing” by itself? I think this second line can be smoothed out without the ellipse and by connecting these two sentences with a comma, at which point you ought to drop the semicolon to avoid a run-on. Right now it’s kind of tedious and choppy for the reader, IMO.

Very good imagery here.

Be careful not to overdo beginning sentences with “I.” It’s an easy habit to fall into when writing from first-person POV.

“his eyebrows knitting together in frustration” Might just be me, but I’m having a hard time seeing this. Do the eyebrows actually connect with each other?

This is a nice start to a story. Haven’t come across any other werewolf story on Authonomy either. I do think too many sentences begin with I. Vary it up a bit. Also, some of the sentences get a little choppy and could be smoothed out, but overall a very good story that I suspect will only get better.

Best of luck with this. High stars from me for what it’s worth.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

absolutely love this. Three times i have read this and i still haven't got bored of it.
The new chapters are amazing and i felt compelled to read the entire thing in one go. I love almost any book i read however only the ones i find absolutely amazing actually inspire me to keep writing and try and develop my own creation, and this is one of those. so thank you and please upload more :)

Amazing read, i feel sorry for the people who dont get a chance to read this because ayana is an excellent writer and should soon have her books at the shops :)

Amazing read, i feel sorry for the people who dont get a chance to read this because ayana is an excellent writer and should soon have her books at the shops :)

Yay! I'm finally able to find some free time and then I get the awesome surprise of this having been updated! Great job, yet again, and keep at it! This is one of the best books I've read on here so far! Kudos to you!

My tummy clenched with excitment whilst reading this, which is one of the things I love about reading the most.
Savannah (beautiful name by the way) is a great character, and I knew within the first few paragraphs that I liked her a lot. You write in first person really well, and I don't actually think I have any criticisms :)
This is remarkable, and I'm actually disappointed I can't read more at the moment. I wish I had a bigger bookshelf to back you now, but for the moment I shall keep you on my WL until I have a free space.
Well done!!

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

I will be back to read more of this book, it has me intrigued. Placed on my watchlist.

Ayana, 2 great new chapters, can't wait to read the rest. Just two errors to point out: ch 38 'And he's might kill...' should be 'And he might...' and in ch 39 you have a couple of instances of wearily, meaning tired, instead of warily, meaning alert. I'm looking forward to the rest,
best wishes,
Ashley

please upload soon!!! im addicted:)
amazing story line by the way, wish there was more kissing, but it takes time and right moments i guess. Its just the romantic in me.

Okay, I don't know where to start. I guess I should tell you that I devoured all 37 chapters in two days. It was like I couldn't control myself, and I just had to keep reading. That's what a book should be like. You made me laugh out loud, squeal with delight, and you had my heart pounding. If I had bought this book, there'd be no way I'd be disappointed.

Savannah was perfect. I love that she's strong, and not one of those annoying characters that always feel sorry for themselves. You captured her perfectly and made her seem so real, and I wasn't at all expecting a certain twist to happen, but I loved it.

You created Cassius perfectly as well. The tension and suppressed feelings add so much to the story, and I was always waiting for something more to happen between them. The suspense is killing me, but in a good way.

The story itself is fantastic. I certainly have no complaints. You kept me hanging on your every word, waiting for the next moment and never wanting it to end.

I have no serious complaints about the writing either. There's some simple editing to be done for the typos, and the use of 'smelt' instead of 'smelled' repeatedly was a tad annoying, but the fact that I was so absorbed in the book tells me you're doing a fantastic job.

Please let me know if you add more, because I so desperately want to know what happens. Of course, you had to leave off at such an exciting moment.

I hope you get this published because it's way better than many published books I've read. I really would buy it, and I'd recommend it to many people I know.

Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful story!

Cora

Ok, you asked and here is the goss. I loved it. The flow the tension, the physical power that Savannah holds is tangible, you can feel the heat rising off her as she is lifting the weights and arguing with Cassius. There are some punctuation issues with the conversations in 35 and 36 but otherwise flawless. I still back it gladly.
Thanks for adding the other chapters, keep up the story. I can't wait to see the rest.

Rionach

When will you be adding more?I am dieing to know what will happen :)

This is a wonderful young adult fantasy. Well paced and engaging- the tension between the main character's were done very well. Well polished- only 2 minor typos- Chapter 19 "In case you though (thought?) the wolf was still back there and I'd been hiding in the dumpster..." and Chapter 30-"Not when we all know that Cassius is much more likely to be able to get her down her (here?)" 5 stars and backed. Please post more, as I would love to continue reading. Thanks Desi.

Chapter 32:
I decided to spare you and just enjoy the chapter, no nitpicks, unless they scream at me, and if that’s the case I’ll just quote instead of go through and find the exact paragraph and line location ><
Instead I shall do Points of Interest! (Chronological order of as I read it)

POI 1: Zavier.
Darth Vader eyes…. Cue creepy X-Files music. And I laughed at the diagnosed psychopath part. I love the humor you put into your story :)

POI 2: Crazy Darla.
One word and this word is shouted in-between laughter. “STALKER!!!!!!!!!!!!”

POI 3: Man whore.
LOL. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who uses that. XD

POI 4: I just love the whole bantering scene that starts with Savannah asking who Crazy Darla is. I should leave it at that ^_______________^

-General Compliment that came to mind as I read-
A lot of the time I try to keep my number of important characters down, because it can be so hard to juggle so many, to keep them all original without accidentally blending characters. With me, I end up with soup. You, however, have kept all your characters separated, and it’s nice. You handle the amount of characters you’ve introduced very well. Kudos.

POI 5: ‘why does Cassius distance himself’
Even after you said Savannah wouldn’t get close she’s still unable to stop herself from thinking about him =D --- and of course he’s the one who gets nominated to take her home XD LOL

Ahh, you put the car ride in the next chapter! Now I even more to look forward to *happy dance*
Okay though, here’s the Overall:
Mucho enjoyment. (Lots of enjoyment if you don’t know the random Spanish word)
Pace was great, you had nice transitions between the conversation topics. It was like floating along in a good current, going faster and faster until all of a sudden I’m dropped off the waterfall when Savannah tells Cas it’s time to go. Excellent.

I hope this chapter makes up for the others a little. These are the kind of things I’m always thinking as I read, though I’ve been focused on pointing out the nitpicks so I can try to help make it better. I just want you to see that I DO enjoy it too, even if I tear it apart >.<’

Gonna get to ch 33 later =]
Good job,
~Zero

Backed 1,000 times! Great! Fantastic! Wonderful! Haven't read a story this good in a lonnnng time! Especially one that's about werewolves! Stories about werewolves that are this high quality are hard to find! Gahh, and you left us with cliff hanger! XD Good luck with the revisions and editing, and I hope it goes quickly so you can upload the rest soon! I'm going crazy waiting! XD

Chapter 31
Nitpick 1: Location: Par. 2, about halfway.
“…But a further out, the lawn…” I think you meant to have ‘but a bit further out’ or something along those eyes. Just a little typo.
Nitpick 2: Par. 2, same sentence
“…changed practically into a forest.” It sounded a bit off as I read it, might want to write it a little bit differently. Maybe skip the line completely. ‘But further out huge trees with bushes,…’ It might sound better that way.
Nitpick 3: Par. 4, line 3.
“…been told this but this is the…” This is just a grammar nitpick, there should be a comma before the “but”. ‘…told this, but this is the…’ not sure if it still applies, but I was always taught there should be a comma in sentences like this. I may be wrong >> sorry if so.
Nitpick 4: Par. 6 line 2.
“…close Pack, but something’s are…” should be ‘…close Pack, but some things are…’
Nitpick 5: Par. 10, line 9
“…earth as I sighed in content.” If you chance content to contentment it sounds better.
Just a comment- I love how the title comes up in the book every once in awhile, on purpose or not. ‘he blinked bright eyes at me.’ It makes me smile. Your title fits your book very well.
And tag. Loooollll tag. Hehehehehe. Cuteness.
Nitpick 6: Par. 24, line 1.
“It wasn’t long before Luke caught up with me though.” Though is a word I have issues with myself. It’s like ‘that’, it’s a filler word. You can take it completely out of the sentence and it still sound just the same =]. ‘it wasn’t long before Luke caught up with me.’
Line 4: “…behind me now and ducked…” I think there should be a comma before the ‘and’, not sure, but I think. ‘…now, and ducked…’
End of the paragraph is another ‘though’ you can take out- “anticipated the move though”
Nitpick 7: Par. 25, line 5-ish
“Before I could give off any warning,…” It works, but it could be changed up a little. “maybe just, ‘without any warning, I turned suddenly and chased him down.’
Nitpick 8: Par. 27, last line
Another ‘though’ is in there, don’t need it
Liked the tidbit about autumn, it was a nice change up from tag, a bit of description in the center of the action, a brief reprieve. The metaphorical calm before the storm. The touchy feeling between Savannah and Cass was nice, and BAM Katrina is there. There’s two more ‘though’ s in there that need nixing, but otherwise, very well done on this part. BUT THEN YOU SAY SHE WON’T GET CLOSE!! GAHHHHHHHH!!! Frustration ><
Overall of chapter:
I really enjoyed it, the pace was good, with tag, then break, then nuzzle, then fight, followed by okay, fun’s over, we’re going home. Good. You have descriptions where they don’t distract from the action, and besides the pauses caused by typos the flow was nice and even.
I’ve desecrated this chapter, so I’m going to take a break now and get back to chapter 32 another day, that way you don’t start hating me. Truly very sorry, I just really like this story, and I want to help make it better, so I go kind of nazi on it =(
Please remember you don’t have to listen to anything I put in here, and if I offend you… you can delete it ><

Goodness... a one page in word comment... i'm really so very sorry.
~Zero

Chapter 30
I decided to go ahead and read this chapter as a refresher, and I ended up noticing a typo I missed the first time around reading it. Please remember I’m not trying to be mean >.<

Nitpick 1: Location, Par. 11. You’re saying how Cass would have an easier time getting Katrina downstairs. “…all know Cassius is much more likely to be able to get her down her.” Should be down here =]

Not a nitpick, but going in chronological order of me reading this… I wanted to comment on the whole ‘Welcome to the pack, little sister’ part, and Jace’s response. ‘Dude, there goes any chance I ever had…think is, I’m crushing on my sister.’ I laughed.

I don’t think there were anymore typos, for real this time, but I remember how much I wanted to read about the pack run now XD I just waited so long so I wouldn’t read and then be wanting more during the wait for more chappies.

~Zero

A slow-burning start. The image Savannah projects of having these tigerish eyes chimes well with your front cover; the image is pre-packaged, and what a lovely shade of green. I liked the interplay between absent father and daughter, a lot of the usual teenage kicks with something very strange going on in the background. The urban werewolf idea is a good 'un and I'd look forward to seeing Savannah go wolfie.

Excellent work

P

OMG!!!! Love Love Love your updated chapters. You know how much of a BIG FAN I am on yours, especially this story and was excited when I saw your message.
Sorry I haven't responded for a while but I haven't been on Autonomy that much as I moved most of my stuff to Fiction Press.
Keep up the great work and look forward to more (of course still waiting for Cassius to kiss her already).
~ AJ Skinner

Bright Eyes
You are so on target with your style! First person is a real challenge without falling into the "I" trap (too many I's). Instead, you've taken the eyes into the story! (pardon the pun).

The only thing I saw were a few missed commas. Your mechanics are rock solid.

Your premise is certainly captivating and will really be well received!

Great character development! Good conflict at the start with the loss of her mum and having to cope with her estranged dad.

This is not my favorite genre' so you've done really well to draw me into it.

Marvelous!
Raechel
Echo

Right more please! The best werewolf story i've ever read. Usually I avoid them but this one caught my eye and is actually really good! You can't leave us hanging like that!

Happily backed.
Gemma
The Leylan Story

I so love this. As soon as I have a space on my bookshelf, it's going on there. I cannot wait to read the next part; this is intense and totally pulls you in. You don't want to put it down. Your characters are so brilliant and very unique.

YAY! This is getting better and better and the tension between Cassius and Savannah is quite delicious! Can't wait for his explanations!! Keep it up! Still one of the best werewolve stories on this site. Cheers!

The introduction worked well as we discover a little about Savannah, that there is something unusual about her.

The transformation into werewolf was good but I didn't get to know how she felt. You state that it was not too painful but I didn't feel it.

I liked the introduction of Cassius and the intrigue he brings to your story which flows well.

For me I just dont feel enough for Savannah and I can't put my finger on why I cant relate to her, sorry not helpful.

I did read to chapter 8 before I knew it so it did pull me in.

Good luck,

Red

This really isn't fair of you! You lure me back in by saying you added more chapters, and you leave me dangling with a cliff-hanger like this?!! You're a sadist!

But seriously, apart from some minor errors, this continues to be an enthralling story. I'm heavily invested in the characters and especially Savannah. Please, please, please, PLEASE finish this, so I can back you! :)

Just a quick note on an easily-fixed error. "We might be a pack, but something's are private..." Should be "some things..." describing things, not a specific something.

I just started reading, and am only through Chapter 2, but I really like this. Your writing style is easy to read and pulled me right into the story. Very well done.

I had a whole post on nit-picky corrections I'd found, and lost the post... so, if you want those, just let me know and I can go back over these 2 chapters. I have to run now, but I'm backing this and will be back to finish reading later!

You are an excellent writer for one so young. Really great story line and certainly in the market.

Okay, I've finished reading what you've posted and whatever you're working on, get it done! :)) I have a rule that I don't back incomplete books, and I desperately want to put your book on my shelf! This is really great--there are some errors here and there that a fresh editing eye could fix in a jiffy, but overall an enthralling story with compelling characters. I want to know what happens next!

Easy to read, you pulled me in with the first few paragraphs. I don't have a lot of time for reading, especially on a computer screen, but I really did enjoy your relaxed, unforced writing, and you manage to make the first person perspective work very well.

I wasn't quite sure about the sentence 'It framed my face with its clear, and just a little pale, skin' - it seemed a bit clunky - but that was the only negative thing that jumped out. Backed.

Anna
Angelwings

Okay, I've read the first 10 chapters, and I think you've got something really good here. I only have a few quibbles. You have "wondering" for "wandering" a couple of chapters back, and you add extra words you don't need. Example: the last sentence of chapter 10, when you say "his hands slamming them against the wall...." I think most readers would know that he slammed the doors with his hands without you saying that. I think it's kind of your style of writing, however--you tend to use a lot of complex sentences, and you're a little spare on the punctuation. I'm really enjoying the story, though, and am looking forward to reading the rest of it!

pretty good book. I enjoyed reading it. Shame it isn't finished though :)

Bright Eyes -
First of all i would like to say how much i love the picture, very pretty, and the synopsis is very intruiging. This is the first book about werewolfs i have read, and i absolutely love it. I especially love the characters, because they're so believable.
This shows clear skill and i hope this goes far for you
backed with pleasure
abi

You had me hooked from the get-go. I loved how you described the first transformation scene. Your writing style reminds me of Rachel Caine with your fabulous pacing and excellent characterization. I’d easily recommend this for my younger relatives.

Starred and backed! Keep up the great work.

Sincerely,

Judith B. Shields
[Twice Reborn]

Awhhh! What is with the writers who have great stOries on the site only putting incomplete. I want more, it's like putting a movie on pause then forgetting it! Not possible! I beg for the rest please, I might even whimper! Loving Cassius, very mysterious and like Damon from vampire diaries just the guy you want to break his hard exterior and curl up with on a cold November in front of the fire.



Rionach kerrians

Shoan

One of the best paranormal stories i have read. I love werewolf stories and I criticize them a lot. after reading this i fell in love with it. this might be my favorite werewolf novel. this book is perfect for young adult readers. I never lost interest once. if this ever hits the market, i will be one of the many people to buy it. i cannot wait until you post the rest of your chapters.(:

Backed! This is by far one of the best werewolf stories I have ever read, and I've read a LOT. Savannah's character development is amazing and believable, and the other characters as well. Cassius was developed in such a way that while you don't know anything about him, you can read him like an open book only adding to the irony of it all. A terrific read and I cannot wait until the next chapters come out! Great work =].

Ayana, nice read really well formed. I like the imagery when it comes to explaining the shift and the feelings Savannah has as she is adjusting to the changes, the sounds and smells around her, exquisite. Thanks for a nice story, nothing I can say to adjust it as of yet but I am still reading through.

Rionach Kerrians

SHOAN

Ayana

I have to be honest with you, i'm not the biggest fan of the much too commercialized and, quite frankly, much too used cult werewolf/vampire stories. After the Twilight books, it's just been downhill - but that's just my opinion. And sadly that kinda prohibits me from reading more than the beginning.

Now to the compliments ;)
You seem like you really know what you're doing when you write. I'm very engrossed in the story, not because i like the subject but because you definately make it worth reading with your fluent writing and absorbing narration.
You know how to string together the right words to make the right sentences, and your characterization of Savannah is very good, at least as far as i read :)

If you, someday, write a book that's about something other than werewolves then please let me know and I'll back it without hesitation :)

I really enjoyed reading this. The only thing that I could think of is that there are a few instances where words are missing or repeated, her mind her… or she went the but nothing that made the flow of the story choppy or unreadable. I have of course read the whole thing, as with any book on my shelf. I am anticipating the end… I wonder things like is Julia blind from an attack from the same wolf as Savannah, they both had accidents at age 9, and I am sure there is something more to Julia, is she a wolf too? Was the wolf that attacked Savannah in Scotland Cassius’ father? There was a point when Cassius said ‘he wanted you to be his daughter’ which brought the question to mind. Not to mention the fact that it seems that Cassius and Katrina seemed to have had something going on… I wonder what it was.
I enjoyed you book a lot and I am sorry that it took so long to comment. It was backed with pleasure. I wish you the very best.
Jon

Ayana
Checking in to see how one of the favorite werewolf stories is doing. I am sure you have been busy and hope you had a nice summer. Look forward to reading more when you have it - got to see what happens between Savannah and Cassius.
Amy J

For chapter 30 I didn't notice a single typo or something that might need changing. It was very well done =]
I love the little comments about Cassius, how she's not sure what's going on, but is always aware of him.. and how her wolf feels =D
I'm looking forward to reading about the pack run, but I'm out of time, so I'll get to chappy 31 next time =]
~Z

YAY!!! We've got plot movement!!! Cheers for being a member of the pack!
I kind of fizzled on nit picking about halfway through, but after the first one... I think it evens things out XD I apologize in advance.
Still liking it, but I'm going to get to chapter 30 on another day =]
Nit picks----
Pick 1:
Location-First paragraph, starting with sentence 3
It’s a bit of a run on, might want to make it two sentences. Maybe like this: ‘The huge wooden oak table near the window had a mess of papers and pens with an open laptop on it. A huge amount of yellow post-it notes were littered everywhere, including window and ledges.’ And then for the rest of the paragraph, since it concerns the post-it notes, I think it would flow better like this- ‘Two azure walls were completely dedicated to the yellow notes, and there were even a few lines of black ink connecting some of them. The other two walls…’ and its good how it was from there. I change light sky blue to azure since azure is exactly that color and it was a bit wordy with the other description. Don’t have to pay any mind to it if you don’t want to, even I think tearing your first paragraph apart is obnoxious XD
Pick 2:
L- Ethan and Savannah are talking about the wolf that bit her
‘So we can make sure that something like this doesn’t happen again.’ You don’t need the that =] That is a filler word, djinnia pounded that into me lol

Chapter 28
First things first, I want to congratulate you on your main character. I don't think I've mentioned yet what a great job you did on her. She really shines in this chapter, with her little fight with Kat. You have a great hold on her emotions, they flow nicely and aren't wild mood swings like a lot of characters have. You can almost feel them with Savannah you do such a great job with them =]
I think Sasha is pretty cool too, reminds me of a hyper bunny lol
anyways, on to the constructive input, and please remember that if you don't like any of these, or I'm wrong which happens more often than not, you do not need to pay any mind to them.

Pick 1:
Location- Sasha is giving Savannah a look over, but Savannah doesn’t know its Sasha yet.
‘All in all, you’re naturally beautiful but with a little bit of work, eyeliner to enhance those eyes and a little blusher, you could be drop-dead gorgeous.’ I THINK, I’m not perfectly confident with commas yet, but I THINK it would read better like this: ‘All in all you’re naturally beautiful, but with a little work, some eyeliner to enhance those eyes and a little blusher, you could be drop-dead gorgeous.’
Pick 2:
L- Luke has just come back into the room, saying ‘you’ve met Sasha then?’
‘…Including what I’m pretty sue was some slices of lasagne.’ I’m not sure if it’s a different spelling variation, but I’m pretty sure ‘lasagne’ needs to be lasagna, if not just ignore this nit pick =]
Pick 3:
L-They’re eating and Sash says she’s glad there’s another girl in the pack.
‘…hadn’t heard her coming. She was around taller than Sasha, around…’ Typo. I think you meant- ‘She was taller than Sasha, around…’
Pick 4: this one is opinion only =]
L-Just after Cassius calms Savannah down and Ethan walks in.
‘He was tall but built slim, lean and long like a greyhound.’ Might sound better like this- ‘He was tall but built slim, lean and long, reminding me strongly of a greyhound.’ But it’s just my opinion =]
Pick 5:
L-The Pack just finished talking about Savannah’s confrontation with Kat, and Ethan just told her ‘I can see you’re capable of dealing with it,’
‘He smiled at me and his blue eyes shone I suddenly noticed…’ think you meant to have a period in there- ‘He smiled at me, and his blue eyes shone. I suddenly noticed…’

Again, if you have any trouble understanding any of these than please feel free to ask.
~Z

Whee, I now know all the pack members' names!!!! =D
Beware of more spammmmmm.
I have more nitpicks, just little typos to point out =] If you have trouble understanding what I typed just send me a message and I'll clarify ^.^

Pick 1
Location-Right after you have Luke tell Savannah who the pack guardians are you start talking about Adam:
‘Nope,’ Ty said. ‘He’s doing at the hospital but he’ll back later on.’—this sentence needs fixing =] what’s he doing at the hospital, and a he’ll -be- back.
Pick 2
Location-Two paragraphs down from 1
‘… Obviously we ever have to go to the doctor…’ ever needs to be never
Pick 3
L- Two par. down from 2
‘Well, at least that’s we think it…’ – needs to be ‘… that’s –what- we think…’

Well that's it for Chapter 27, on to 28!!!
~Zero

You must add more!!!

A nice gripping start. Best Backed