The Recruiters

That was FUNNY! Thanks for the fun read. I love the potential for disaster in this story. I am not a sci-fi reader, but kind of get the idea of parallel universes and all that ... but when you tossed in Beauty and the Beast, I was howling. Love that. Fictional characters, robots AND aliens all trying to end the human race.
You need a little work on your grammar, including capitalization, run-on sentences, etc, but that will come.
Thanks!
backed.

The Recruiters

Hi Sparty,

There a real verve here, you twisted some basic rules of fantasy merged it with a style that doesn't take itself too seriously, in fact, I could feel your tongue firmly in your cheek through much of this. The alternate reality premise has so much mileage and what impressed me was that you have taken quite a hackneyed idea, parallel universes and given it a new and invigorating twist. The pace and slickness of this is to be admired, in many respects it is a grafting of all of the best elements of science fiction and fantasy into a whole new and very post-modern and 21st century package. Liked lots and will continue reading, it is only a shame I took so long to find this, If you are able to help out at all on the final push to the desk it would be more help than you could imagine. Best wishes and good luck

I will keep on reading this, let me know as you upload more stuff.
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Hi, Sparty. When I first started reading, I thought, 'naaa,' it jump into a little sillyiness right off the bat. Then, after a a few hundred words more, I got it. Not silliness, just fun reading. Maybe if you set up the characters watching the TV first it might open a little more seriously, but still be fun.
Good characters. Cody is believable as an MC and his dialog works.
The witches are cool...hehe.
Very good way to end chapter one. 'Maybe something interesting will happen for once...' - Cody hoping for it and us knowing it.
Read through chapter 3, all developing well, skimmed in a bit and and still looking good. Some cleaning up (editing) needed but nothing you can't catch with a careful read. As I said, all in all, a fun read. Worth backing. On my shelf. I see you're at 10k words. Hope you finish it and the the best of luck with it.

I have quite a problem reading courier font on a computer screen, but I also found the lack of context in the beginning a bit off-putting. Perhaps with illustrations this might work, but it sounds like an overheard conversation that we've missed the first half of. It also comes across as a giant info dump right on page one, giving an account of something, rather than telling a story. It's just my opinion. Feel free to totally disregard it. I am interested in seeing how you develop this over time, though, and will probably be back to have a look in another month or two.
Good luck with this!
--Daniel
(Also there is a typo in the first line of your third para. "He" should be lower case.)

I like the start of this book. It has an engaging 'ordinary boy' hero, and quite a few funny moments as well. There's a lot of potential for chaos here, and who doesn't like a bit of chaos to brighten up the day? :)

Stylistically, other readers have pointed out grammar and punctuation difficulties, so I'm not going to go there. I'd just say that a lot of the dialogue stands on its own. You don't need all the long explanatory comments between the speech marks. Most of the sighs, smirks, grins, chuckles etc. just slow down the pace of the read at the moment. I'm not saying cut all of them out, but use them where needed and cut out the cruft.

Nice job, good luck with the rest of the story.

Sparty, just looked at your first chapter. Only thing I choose to nitpick about is your spelling of "repoters" in the chapter title. Happy to back this book.

Looking forward to your review of "The Silver Spoon Effect."

Regards,

Joffrey

The Recruiters reminds me of a book by Robert Heinlein about doors to different worlds [I forget the title now] that first got me addicted to sci-fi many [too many] years ago. This is very fertile ground for an author with a vivid imagination, and in Cody we have the requisite YA hero embarking on his quest to save [or not] the Universe as he travels through multiple worlds and faces seemingly impossible odds. This work shows all the character and imagination to create a spectacular novel, and I'll back it for that potential.
However, I am sure it will be no surprise to the author when I say that the editor has his hands full. My problem is that I can't work out what you have done deliberately for effect [either comic or to create a YA/Pop culture idiom]. and what are just routine editing issues. You'll have to decide which is which; I'll just mention the things that got in the way for me in hoping to enjoy the mainstream sci-fi novel that I would like this to be.
First, I'd get rid of those passive 'ing' words [rubbing his eyes; walking, matching, getting in] and replace them with active forms [he rubbed, walked etc]. Then I'd get rid of the 'had' words [had offered, had said] and replace the past with the present tense wherever possible even in flashback, to make the narrative more immediate. Then I'd get rid of all the adjectives and adverbs and replace them where needed with actions or observations - especially 'somewhat' which you use very frequently and is very weak [somewhat firmly, somewhat cute, somewhat shady and so on]. Then I'd weed out all the repetitions - for example the robot is variously enormous, giant, filling the room, taking up a large portion of the room, has great feet, a massive step, is bulky, a giant man of steel etc. Most readers will get that it's big the first time! Finally a it's a small thing but its arms, its lidless eyes and so on don't have an apostrophe. Lots of nitpicks, I'm afraid, but IMHO they seriously get in the way of the story you want to tell. Just a personal view - hope it helps.

Interesting read! I was disappointed that the 3rd chapter is the same as the 2nd though (upload error?)

"Butt-hump" ha ha ha, I can just imagine that is what a teenage boy would be worried about.

Fast paced and exciting, Well done!

Best of luck, backed.

~Andrea (MARIPOSA)

My main criticism isn't such a bad one. The use of Times New Roman (or whatever) font struck me immediately and put me off at the beginning. I’d use Verdana or Arial or something. You may think this is a stupid comment, but I felt this because I’m a very visual person. Others might feel the same. Liked the story.
Backed
P :o)

This is quite a witty look at the old superhero storyline, the cover looked kind of serious so I wasn't sure what to expect - but once I realised there was quite a bit of tongue in cheek about this I began to really enjoy it.
The idea of opening the tale through the medium of TV obviously causes issues for some and I found it quite unusual - but still enjoyed it as I like to try different kinds of formatting. In fact, the opening was almost scriptlike and I could imagine it translating well into a film perhaps better than a book - something with a cult following rather than a blockbuster, but that's a compliment.... after all who wants to be mainstream!

Best wishes
M&J
GRAEMOR

Sparty,

This is an odd one for me. I like the idea of merging realities, and having some incredible things happen, but you seem to be stuck between writing a comic, and writing a book.
You have some interesting ideas, but they are not developed as well as most books do.
Another thing is that we jump from scene to scene quite quickly sometimes.

Amazingly enough, I found the last chapter to be the best written. There were some good lines in there.
The second and third chapters, and the end of the first, were much more... childish?

I also think the jump from merging alternate realities to having fictional realities is strange.
Why would our fiction actually be an alternate reality?
If you explained this by saying something along the lines of our fiction is often an author's subconcious mind chanelling what is happening in another reality, it might make a little more sense.

You also need quite a lot of editing. It seems very much thrown together with little thought, and no self editing.
I am sure that if you take a look back through and concentrate on editing, you will make it much more readable, and you can make your scenes more vivid and engaging.

Mitch

Some great fun, tongue in cheek stuff here; I love the premise of fictional characters in the real world, very Jasper Fforde. Fairly well written, but could do with a polish; a couple of sentences almost sounded Yoda-ish (a living room he thought it was). Your love of comic books comes through clearly, and I'm sure this would appeal to comic book lovers - perhaps as someone else has suggested a comic version would work well, the imagery is certainly there.

On the strength of the premise and humour this is shelved, but I would advise a polish.

Cheers

Stanny

I read!
I liked!
I will read more!
And I will back too!
Paul
We've Seen the Enemy

Chapter 1

Well, I like that you cherry-stemmed (or whatever the heck you call it) ShuabParvez's review. Shows me that you're willing to listen to criticism. The guy can't be accused of being sensitive, but he does make a few good points. Namely, the sheer amount of televised speech that opens the story. Despite some moments of clever surreality, it's just not the most engaging sort of narrative, you know what I mean? I like the premise though, and I'm sure it's perfect for kids. You give the boys Master Chief and the girls the Twilight vampires and you just might get their attention!

All the best

Cheers

John

Hey, Sparty. I think you need to edit. I believe it would be helpful for you to look into buying several books on writing. There are a lot of good books out there that can help you with sentence structure and other issues. You have a great plan here, but I think it really needs some work. Best to you, buddy. Keep up the good work. If you wish for me to come back after you edit and re-read I will be happy to do so. Take Care, Gordon.

Nice tone -- you've very accurately captured the voice of an adolescent male -- I esp. liked the part about the cute-blond - until it's clear that she's not a very nice cute blond.

It's also funny and when combined with a good adventure, makes a fun read.

Keep going!

--Sarah

Don't like the font, and the writing is just a little too punchy and fast paced for my kind of taste. Part of me wonders throughout what kind of audience you're aiming this one at, and part of me wonders if this is a first draft or if you've written much more than the words on offer here. But I shelved this on the basis that you have a theme and idea that will appeal to a mass audience, and on the basis that for your genre, your writing style is probably apt. I can't really make much of a comment on this book, simply because I don't normally read this kind of thing so can't judge how tongue in cheek the humour really is. But I can appreciate it on its own terms, and suggest that after some editorial work, this might have the makings of a finely plotted novel. All the best. L.x

This is such fun, a glorious mixture of every graphic novel, super hero movie and DC comic I have ever read, watched or stolen from my kid brother.
The giant robot was great.

Imaginative! Backed!

Hmmm... Camp? Amusing!!

Carry on! (I always do...) Love! Callaghan

TBH, the pitch got me to start with, it sounded like X Men, which I really like. I also like all the techno babble which goes with this type of story- magnetic anomalies, parallel fictional universes etc. I laugh and carry on reading. Could you put it in a different font though? I don't think Courier is the best choice.

I think most of the constructive comments are legit. The story idea is interesting, even though I typically would not pick this book up, it does have what looks like an interesting story. Your style is light and free flowing and I have no idea how experienced you are, but I can see your style working in this genre.

backed.

The concept for your book had me hooked instantly though after reading your sample chapters I was left with a feeling of disappointment. I found it more incoherent than comedic. Also, from the way your protagonist is so easily able to go along with all of the strange occurrences around him I would think he would be inclined to believe he’s having a dream rather than that multiple realities are clashing around him. I think the biggest improvement would be to have Cody spend more time reflecting on the gravity of the situations he keeps waking up in.

OK so far...now what about some more?

Agree with the comments about the grammar, but that just take a little time and work to fix up. Keep up the vibe you have (it's all about the vibe!) and get some mroe down on paper.

George Fripley - How to Run Dysfunctional Government

Young man, I hope you are secure in your day job.

Okay, chapter one of this is GREAT. It's hilarious, I'm not going to lie. I can see this being adapted into a humorous musical, to be honest. And I would definitely go see it if that happened. The entire premise of it is just hysterical. I love it! Keep it up!

A fun read that could use a little editing in places.

Best of luck with it.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

very fun reading =)

This one really starts off with a bang. The action and humor kept me hooked. And the mystery is another incentive to keep reading. This is best pitched to young adults and fans of comic books or graphic novels. For that audience, it should do well.

There are a few things you may want to look into.

If Dyo looks Asian, Cody would notice that before he notices the Asian accent.

When he sees his apartment complex burn down, is he worried about the people he lives with? He is upset that he lost some personal items?

Typos: “A sudden crash made Cody even jumpier (than) he was a moment ago…”
“Let’s go,” (he) ordered…
“Their bodies were covered mostly in feathers rather (than) clothes…”

I'll support this. It's a fun read.

Brian

Hi Sparty

Jotted down a couple of notes as I read.

Screenplay like opening – worked well, easy to visualise. Consider cutting the quotation marks around the emphasised words.

“no harm in of themselves” – doesn’t quite scan right. Consider cutting “in” or “of”?

The changing POV was a little confusing mid paragraph – consider making a more definite break.

As I read on through the 2nd and 3rd chapters I must confess I stopped looking for little errors like this and just enjoyed the story for what it is. An easy reading “what if?” caper with some opportunities for funny and unbelievable situations.

Already on my shelf and I wish you luck on the site.

Cheers

Mike

Ps if you get chance, I’d appreciate your views on my book “Calloway Blood”.

Good light hearted stuff - I know what I like - and I like your style

backed

kev

I read ch 1 and 2.

This was a hoot. The premise you lay out has an enjoyable unpredictability that makes this a fun read.

I would suggest to check your 'thats' and 'hads,' as most sentences they appear they could be done without.

I'll get my one quip out of the way: Chapter 2 (your 'real chapter one' as you said) is REALLY long! Perhaps shorten this to get readers entrenched quicker?

The premise is awesome. I've always tinkered (only in my head) with the idea of fictional universes crossing over into reality. I think with a good writer behind it, the idea has enormous potential, perhaps on the same level as Watchmen. You certainly have your work cut out for you! You have a good grasp on Cody, though. His actions and dialogue are well crafted, and if you continue with that, he'll be a good vehicle for taking the reader through the complexities of such a huge story.

Hi Sparty, Bizarre and in a captivating way, Cody's encounter with the giant robot really got me reading. I liked his running in circles and screaming. And then the island experience with Dyo becomes dream-like. You've created environments here that are strange but analagous to the outlandish news reports. The havoc of the invaded world and then the exploration of a new one are entertaining because you've taken fantasy to the farfetched. It allows a confrontation with real danger that is symbolic and tugs at the unconscious. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Nice...when I started reading it was a bit foggy...but after I read a couple of paragraphs, I could see the directionality of the concept. Nice bounce to it.... I like it

Hi sparty!

I like your storyline here :) there are some grammatical issues that I'm sure you know about that would be pointless for me to mention, but nonetheless I like this :) a slight sense of humor mixed with action and mystery! backed up accordingly!

Thanks!

ps. do you think you could check out My Last Notes? No pressure, but I could use the critique :)

I could have sworn I had commented on this before. I know I read it. Funny and very well written. My one nitpick in chapter one is with the Sentence "Suddenly, the screen went I blank. It was then replaced with...." I think you can get rid of "Suddenly" and "then" "The screen went [suddenly] blank and was replaced with...." I thought the sentence as written was a little bumpy.

Fun, fast paced opening. Kids should love it.
Backed.

Sparty, Storyline and tongue in cheek humour - superb. Now the bad bit....
Unfortunately you have to get this on paper in a succinct and readable way and I think this is where you need to concentrate if you are to get this past an editor.
As an older reader, some of the grammatical errors, coupled with rambling sentences and use of the same uninteresting word 3 times in two sentences (and it happened more than once) really made me wince - and it is people like me you have to get this past.
Chapter 2 is way too long. It could be half as long but with tighter writing be twice as exciting - the idea is superb. Don't get me wrong - I know you have this in you as there were some very nice touches (not going back to measure the hairs breadth etc) but it is the application of ideas to paper that need improving. It will come the more you do it and I sensed a tightening up of the writing in the later chapters.
As they say practice makes perfect.
If I didn't think you had this in you I wouldn't have gone on so long. You are what I would term a 'diamond in crap' clean off the crap and let the diamond shine through. Most of the stuff I read here has the second element only!! Best of luck with this and I really mean that. Mick Bannister Gibbous Moon (now do your worst)

I like the humour in your story. I especially like the title of your first chapter since it is amusing and grabs the reader's attention. It is a very interesting idea and you have a lot of imagination giving an enjoyable read. I won't comment on anything technical, I'll leave that for others with experience!

Lesley

Sparty this story lends itself beautifully to the comic book genre. Get together with a graphic artist, I can absolutely see this as a comic book! It’s racy, funny, and has young characters who become superheros in a fight to save Earth against evil.
I’m giving it a run on my shelf.
Jen (Play or Die)

Oi Sparty,
Read chapter 2.
The storyline would be good as a YA type of story but you need to get the writing style improved.

Like any discipline, you rquire rules. Mental freefall on the page won't get you published.

Her's some advice I was given and which I've tried to adopt in my own writing with the dubious success of anyone who isn't published.:

Several books I have read talk about show and tell. What does that mean?
‘He was anxious’
– tells.
‘He was sweating. Small beads of perspiration shone like tiny dewdrops on his furrowed forehead as he drummed his fingers on the phonebook. His collar felt tight, so he stretched it with damp tremulous fingers. He stood up, glancing at his watch. He jumped when a soft tapping on the door revealed the time had come.
– shows; we can feel what the man feels.
Dialogue:
There is nothing wrong with a simple ‘he said’, ‘she said’. Readers see it almost like punctuation. Use them just enough to tell the reader who is talking. Break up the speech only when you really need to indicate a significant change of posture, position or action. Each time you do, you interrupt the flow of the dialogue and what is said between the characters loses cohesion.
Don’t modify your dialogue with adverbs, particularly those ending in –ly. Trust your reader to understand the tone of the dialogue and what the character is expressing. If you feel insecure about the words used or you feel the reader won’t know the person is angry, anxious, snappy etc, then you need to re-write the dialogue, because it isn’t strong enough. He said pointedly.
Don’t make your characters do the impossible. You can’t chortle, giggle, choke etc, as you speak.
General words:
Cut all the –ly adverbs you can everywhere in the text. It will strengthen the writing.
Words like: ‘little’, ‘just’, ‘had’, ‘that’ need to be edited out.
Sentences should seldom begin with the words There or It
Rewrite passive sentences. Use the active voice instead of passive voice. (Compare: Is passive voice being used? Put it in active voice.)
Avoid fillers like of its, and so it, well, sometimes, some of the time, perhaps, quite possibly, or similar phrases.
'Quite' is bad, don’t use it.
Remove 'that' from most sentences.
Don’t start sentences with ‘As’.
I recommend ‘Self-editing for Fiction Writers’ by Denni Browne and Dave King it’s excellent and available ion Amazon.
Take all this with a bucketful of salt – I’m unpublished and just an amateur.
You could read my book and see if I take my own advice!
Best of luck with it,
Fred

Hey Sparty,
Quite fun to read, as some others have mentioned it does have a feel of "Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy", I was thinking more along the lines of a Mervel Comic though as I was reading.. most books/stories create movies in my head, this one seemed to create a time line of illustrated scenes, much like a comic strip....

I am not at all a professional but I did pick up on a few things that you might be interested in...

You tend to use a passive voice quite frequently... now, I have been picked up on this myself with my own work and so I have researched it like some crazy passive voice nazi, so now I think I'm quite the expert (haha Just kidding really!) but here are a couple of examples....

"He walked to the nearby bathroom and placed the remains of his breakfast on a counter." would perhaps read better by saying "Walking to the bathroom he placed the remains of his breakfast on the counter."

"He checked his look in the mirror, taking a comb to his short blond hair another time." Would perhaps read better as "Checking his look in the mirror, he took a comb to his hair once more." (using the "ing" word in the first half of the sentence makes it sound more active.)

Also just one particular punctuation problem that you seem to have (I would have thought it a typo but it happens too often to be a mistake.) If someone talks, and you add a dialogue tag after the quotation mark it should not be capitalised unless it is a name... eg...

tab 2, 20th Chapter - "Don't worry, it's alright. It's just an experiment." The man said....(the T after the quote mark should be lower case.)
tab 2, 28th Chapter - "Let's go," He ordered. (H should be lower case)

And one more thing... you may find that reading through your story out loud will help you smooth over some of the problems with the fluency of your writing.... e.g.

tab 1, chapter 9 - "dinging an annoying tune, loudly." reads better as "loudly dinging an annoying tune." (read both sentences out loud and see which one sounds better....

But as I said... I am no expert....
Lis -
have a read of Paragon" if you get the chance... might not be your sort of story... it is fantasy/sci fi, but also very romance!!! Haha - I can't help it - I'm a hopeless romantic!

Hello Sparty,

The Recruiters is an interesting read and concept, but to be a great read many issues must be resolved. Once the writer takes a reader into the world he has created, his number-one job is to keep him there, keep him reading, enclosed in the land of make-believe. But every time the reader stumbles over a typo, bad grammar, wrong punctuation, or repetition, the outside world leak in. Like small holes in space-time they grow until they destroy the fantasy. If a writer is not editing, then he is just typing.

So get to work, there are possibilities in the concept, but you have to plug all of the holes. All the best. Keep writing and rewriting and rewriting.

Daniel “Storykeeper”

Sparty
I have dipped into "The Recruiters" several times in an attempt to try to get to grips with it... it's ambitious. I like sci-fi, and it's clear you do too. I think there is an opportunity to improve your one line pitch by rewriting it in one line, in terms of the hero and his personal journey who I presume is Cody. For example, "The Silence of the Lambs" is about a young FBI trainee who wants to use a serial killer to catch another serial killer. "The Recruiters" is about a young boy (Cody) who wants to save the world (?). Taking it a step further, it is possible to break down the one line pitch into a beginning (set up), middle (main story) and end (resolution). Your pitch does not do this. It describes the "setting" i.e., the maelstrom of events that are occurring... With some slight restructuring, it could be as follows: "Cody is a ..... When [events] .... he must [his journey/mission] ... but [complications caused by nemesis/enemies].... then hint at his challenge. I suppose what I'm saying really is that you need to build the pitch around your hero (your Luke Skywalker) rather than the setting (a galaxy far far away). Does that make sense? You might consider drafting a synopsis of the entire plot, and this will help to reshape your pitch. Having said all that, you have a tremendous imagination. What's needed now is to marry your imagined scenes with a hero's journey "spine" for your story. That's my view! Best of luck with it. Frank

This is funny with a high coolness factor. Good luck!

Hi there Sparty, as someone brought up on Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy I found your story a similar maelstrom of sense and nonsense. You don't need me to point out typos etc but it did make me smile - and the kids will tell you that's a novelty. This is a far cry from my own high-stepping style (and there I go with the hyphens again!) but you make no bones about this being a serious work. Clearly crying out for illustrations! Backed for sheer audacity. Jim D Serpent's Blood

I did what you said and started on ch 2. This is very good description and very exciting. Love the action.
The first thing I noticed is when Cody remembers what happened. I don't think it is necessary to tell the reader, 'There he was in his memory.' I already expected to have a flashback. It is also awkward to start a sentence with There.
You also have a little problem keeping in past tense. Try not to use present tense. You used, 'Getting tired out form all the running, . .' Try 'All that running tiered Cody out. He spotted a stack. . .' Also instead of 'Looking up' say 'as Cody looked up he was a window. . .'
Also what did the giant robot look like. What it round, angular, box-like? It has eyes but does it have a face?

Nicely done. I read chapter two, it's full of action. The terrifying robot attack is well-done. You have "clanging of metal on metal" and "pushed himself off the cold metal floor" in the first paragraph- is it too much metal? I would like to know what Cody looks like/is wearing. Maybe that was described in ch 1? It would make it more visual for me.

Nice moment of humour- "not your everyday day" and "a smile that was only some-what shady". Creative!

Backed.

A fun read! Interesting how you used television and wove the talking heads' dialog throughout. I did the same in both of my novels. Are we the MTV generation?
Douglas Alan Pearce "Nomads in the Land of Fire" and "Sailors and Scumbags"

Ho ho ho!!!!!!

I think this is a really funny, cool idea, and I laughed quite a bit at the"prologue" -- and for whatever reason reminds me of Good Omens by Gaiman/Pratchett -- but I think the beginning is falling a bit short. You say yourself the second chapter is stronger than the first which begs the question, "Why not just start there?" I feel like too much information gets thrown at me in the prologue. I'd kind of like the have the character set up for me, have all this crazy business start happening -- while we get his reaction on the news -- before launching us directly into what seems like a crisis situation. I think for a humor to work, the characters are so important -- the situation is important and both deserve more of a set-up than they're getting here. I don't quite care enough about anyone yet to be worried and want to know what happens by the time the action starts. I think if you slowed down the pace, and gave us a bit more to work with you'd get more impact out of a great idea! Good luck.

i was just leaving when i saw your note about reading chapter 2, so i had a look there too. it's fine but you need to decided how you want to approach your reader. whether it's prologue or chapter one, your reader needs hooking immediately (especially if s/he's an agent/publisher) - no good asking them to ignore the prologue.

also you must correct the typo in the opening title if no other. it's like spitting in your reader's eye when s/he opens the book.

and i would like you to review THE ETON MOTHERS' HANDBOOK please. that would be great.
xx
m

hello sparty
well you have some great ideas here and i warm to the whole premise the story' s based on. i do think using the TV to do the exposition is not working so well - or at least not at the length it currently is. it's a good idea but the execution isn't quite there yet. we're going to need more than a smug announcer to carry us through all that information.

my guess is that you are still in the editing process and that this book will develop as you find out more about technique. very happy to shelve it for now on its potential.

xx
m
THE ETON MOTHERS' HANDBOOK

Hi Sparty,

Sorry it took so long to return the read. I've read the first two chapters and I think your story is quite good. Restructuring of some of the longer sentences could help roll the pace of the story along a little better. Some comments have been hard and rude, don't take them to heart. Just keep writing and you will watch your story and skill improve. Good luck and keep writing!

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands