SEASONS

Hey Su,
I've read the first few entries and will definately come back to read some more. I like the idea of the journal, and I like Paul's character. I am enjoying this read so highly rated and backed!
Steve
A Fallen Feather

Hi Su,
I've just read a bit of your book. I think the writing is quite good, but the diary format is risky. The key with novel writing is "show, don't tell" and a diary is so often all about telling. When you show us the story through interactions and dialogue it enlivens the story considerably.
Best of luck with this!
Tod Schneider
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi Su, I like your writing style also. It works for me too. I like the format of your book very much. It pinpoints in time the progression of the narrative and that works well for me here. Thanks for pointing me in your direction,,,All the best with your book,,,

MarkXX...

magic

Su Dan,

Very enjoyable read, polished and professional. And, extraordinarily different. I enjoyed the two chapters I read (without even realizing that's I'd read 2 chapters!) and will be back when I have more time.

The woman, Lamia, sounds terrifying and the creatures in the paper add to the tension. You're very talented!

Ashley - The Vedeine Saga: Deception

This is quite a different but enjoyable way to read a story in the form of a journal. At first I wasn't to sure but as the character got into writing into it, I also got into reading and liking it better. the birth and later the part with the inlaws was a hoot but also you were able to draw me into the issues of their marriage. The seasons was a really good idea. Well done.

I loved your title and pitch. The idea of reading stories set in particular seasons really appealed to me.
At first, I wasn’t sure about the diary format but from Jan 11th I started to enjoy it. It’s hard sometimes to get the balance between including enough everyday detail and having enough action to hold the reader. It’s a problem I have myself and I have cut out a lot of details. Perhaps some more interaction between Paul and Sandra might help us to see their relationship come to life. I loved the scenes in the hospital – so more of this early on would be good.
It was good to see a hands-on Dad character too. I particularly liked the scene at the in-laws when Paul and the grandfather were laughing. It made me chuckle.
I was intrigued to find out what mystery surrounded Lamia and the strange beasts reported in the paper – so I will read more as soon as I can.
Highly starred.
The best of luck
Kirstie

unusual and interesting approach, like the dark humour!

Seasons

I read this book about a year ago when it was first on the site, and I liked it then because of its unique diary style format. Its unusual.
Its a great story, and its written well. Its a funny story for a horror, with strong characters and good dialogue.
Great book cover as well!
Highly starred
Junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star.
Thankyou for backing my 'Future Poems.'

Hi Su
It has taken me a while but I have finally gotten around to reading some of your book. It certainly does go on a different path to what I originally expected. I think that you write with a natural easy to read style. I think that perhaps you could consider starting the book where he is over at the in laws having dinner and they are discussing Sandra's weird behavior. For me this is where your book started to get interesting as it raises questions and makes the reader want to find out more.
I like his relationship with his son and he seems like a nice fellow at the start - this obviously changes! I am not sure that I actually buy into the whole diary format perhaps you could get a better effect writing in the first person but with chapter breaks instead. And you can still have different points of view.
Good luck with it!

Su Dan,

Thanks for shelving my book for a little while. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. My comments pertain to chapter six. That’s the one I chose to read since I’d read your earlier chapters a while ago.

Your writing has an easy appeal, and Samuel has a great voice. I love his kind, long-suffering character. I thought it was funny that he felt the need to take walks to avoid Sheila’s strangely acquired vulgarity. Samuel’s thoughts portray her as such a peculiar character.

I liked how you gradually built up a subtle mistrust for Sebastian with in Samuel’s heart. That mistrust is expertly transferred to the reader, which I‘m sure was your aim.

I did notice a few typo’s as I read, but not enough to distract me. I think a nice edit will weed those out.

Su your writing has so many strong points, but I must say by far your character sketches stand out. You know each of your cast of players well and they stay consistent through out. There personalities and motives are what drive the story ahead. I bumped your five stars to six! When time permits, I’ll come back to read more.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Su Dan, I've read chapter one and have been impressed by your first person diary style. There are one or two niggling grammatical errors, which can be ironed out with editing, but these didn't detract from an otherwise well written story. You have the usual vampire and werewolf cliches well covered here and it is reminiscent of a Hammer horror tale. I'll be back to read the other chapters, you have a captivating and easy to read style. I won't back it until I've read it all, but its on my watch list.

I've been reading this overnight. An excellent lesson in writing in first person. Setting it out in a journal livens the pace and keeps the interest.

Happy to give this a place on my shelf and high star rating

Reading kingsdaughters crit below, really had me scratching my head. I kept reading the sentence out loud. It was infuruating as sometime I read it without the (,) as a pause and sometimes with. Even now I can't make my mind up which sounds the better.

Good luck.

I enjoyed reading your stories. One little suggestion, would it not be better to have a comma between baby and Christmas in Chapter 1 as at first glance it looks like Christmas is a "baby Christmas" lol.
I had a good chuckle at Simon the mid-wife! I enjoy your writing style and will continue reading and comment again.

Here's the return read for Seasons that I owed you! I really enjoyed this. The POV is perfect, funny and slightly sarcastic without being fake. Lamia is such a creep--I'll have to come back and keep reading to find out what's going on between her and Sandra. Adding Jason was perfect as well. I can almost see the little cutie when you describe kids. Kids add a lot to a book, I think. I like how Paul calls him a 'funny boy' all the time.
Good luck with this. I'll try to put you on my shelf sometime soon!
Noelle

Such a nice idea, I had to back this. Sue, your voices aren't always sufficiently disinct and there are punctuation errors. Another edit to sort these? The young father was convincing but there is a definite 'female' tone to all the male voices. Take care. Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS

Dear Su Dan: What an interesting approach to a book! THIS is a delightful, well-written book and it has gone immediately on my bookshelf. You have my backing! Blessings, Pat

This is very enjoyable! I love the diary format and the dark humour. It's bleak and quirky in a way that only something very English can be! I could easily see this being dramatised as a TV serial.This has to go on my watchlist until there is a place on my shelf! Many stars.

Hi Su,
This is not really my genre - but you were kind enough to comment on 'Conclusive'. I was particularly interested in your technical ability to use the diary format and think that you have managed to carry that off very well. It is not an easy thing to do whilst maintaining the reader's interest and moving the plot along. If anything I feel slightly cheated by there being less introspective thinking the I would have imagined this format might induce - but that is probably just me thinking 'Lit Fic' - sorry!

I am a bit uncertain about the slightly over-done nan/boychild bonding - it is beginning to feel forced an unreal to me, although I appreciate that it may well be important later in the book (I have only read the first three chapters).

I find sandra a bit difficult to relate to, because I cannot gets feel for her character. This may well be intentional, but with a fantasy-type Hungarian as well it leaves rather little for the reader to get a grip on.

An interesting readin a genre I would not normally be very likely to buy - and a sound technical writing display.

Harehound (for Belia) "Conclusive'

Hi Su
You have chosen to write a "Diary" and I have to say your style is attracting. I have to say that I am not so interested in diaries, but starting from the 2nd chapter I became interested, and I will read it all. I left you 6 good stars too...
naeim

At first I found this a little slow and I wasn't sure that Paul had enough appeal as a character to keep me reading. In the excerpts around Christmas he seems a very ordinary, rather miserable kind of bloke.

But in the birth scene and the one with his wife's parents, I found myself much more engaged! I loved him being sick in the car park. Your humor is great and his voice really picks up as the diary develops. By the end of chapter one, I'm really on Paul's side and as eager (or perhaps more eager) than he is to know what his wife is getting up to.

I'll keep this on my WL and try to read on soon,

Kate
The Licenser

I think your prose is good and especially the sound of the interaction between the characters works very well. There are a few grammatical and punctuation mistakes and wrong words but that is not a big problem because they can all be corrected with some good editing. I am more concerned with a problem that I think other commenters have mentioned and that is that the voice of your main character in the first story doesn't sound masculine enough. To be very honest, it sounds very much feminine and so the reader is left trying to bridge the gap and that effort, unfortunately, pulls one out of the story. I wonder if this first story could be rewritten with Sandra as the diary writer? Would it take everything away to do that? If so, I can only suggest that you try to find a more masculine voice for your character. That means that the things he thinks about, the little things he notices and worries about, his interaction with his child, etc, all have to be reworked. As it is, all these things show very clearly the feelings, the thoughts, the actions of a woman and a mother. Hope these comments are helpful.

This is the first story told in a "diary" format I have encountered on this site. I enjoyed it. Rated 5 stars. Thanks for this. And thanks for backing "Tamria." Here's a short list of corrections you might make:


James
"Tamria"

***

“If this year it’s anything like the last” – don’t you mean “is anything like the last”

“Brussels sprouts” – does “Brussels” need a capital letter? Only if it’s the start of a new sentence.

“lost it appeal” –> “lost its appeal”

“4 years” –> “four years”. Shouldn’t use numbers in prose.

“That’s British weather for you” – lol, yes, it’s raining here now!!!

“Today, however the air seemed…” – need an extra comma. “Today, however, the air seemed…”

“4’oclock” – convention is “4 o’ clock”

“recalling the day that Jason was born” – you might lose “that.” “recalling the day Jason was born”

“Sandra simply took it all in her stride” – maybe lose “her.” “took it all in stride”

“before my slow brain registered…” – “slow” isn’t necessary. If it takes him several minutes to register something, obviously he’s not quick on the mark!

“what so ever” – “whatsoever”, one word

Su Dan:
Very interesting. When I first started reading, I sensed a real sadness with Paul. Of course it should be so easy as another man or simply another woman. I will continue to read. Starred and on my W/L
Shirley Grace

Hello,

I have very much enjoyed reading this up to chapter three now.

However I am going to stop there because stories about the undead aren't really my thing, however to anyone interested in this theme I should say it would be very very appealing to continue.

It is an inventive narrative with plenty of incident along the way which is portrayed clearly and with interesting reflections.

I also like the diary format and thing that you are in general very true to that.

I like how your character explains that he's going to give the writing a go even though he is not very good at writing; we empathise with him and think we'll forgive any grammatical errors or what not!

I think that your writing of a male character could perhaps do with a tweak or two; things like nights in in front of rom-coms, horror movies don't usually appeal to them, or if they do they usually find some excuse like "I just watch them because it makes Sandra happy!"

Also a male first reaction to a new female friend in the spouse may be positive, and although worry might develop, they might tend to deny this more forcibly to themselves.

That being said there's nothing wrong with him being a sensitive type male, and there are many men who would think and feel like Paul, but it might help you differentiate a little more clearly between the different narrative voices in the diary sections.

Congratulations, the first section of this is very readable and has a wide appeal.

Sincerely and with regards

Kit

I am enjoying this! I like the diary format, and Paul is an engaging protagonist. In fact, I like all of the characters. I didn't have any idea it would turn out to have vampire or werewolf-type creatues in it, so for me it was a real twist when the very pale, red-eyed Lamia showed up. I don't usually read that kind of book, but this is entertaining. Good pace, dialogue and description. The MS could use editing, but the story shines through. I'll give it a high rating and read on. Good luck with this!

Elizabeth

Hi Su,

It's some time since I first read this story and, on giving it another try, I was hoping to see some corrections based on what I said at the time.

Unfortunately, you haven't made those corrections, the same errors are still there.

This is a pity because the story itself has great potential but I fear it would be rejected on the basis of just needing those few minorr things being put right. You need to do a good proof reading of your MS.

Ron

Dear Su, I have just finished your manuscript. I've given you a new rating, you are already on my watch list and I'm glad I completed your book today. Quite frankly, I couldn't put it down. Horror and beasts are not quite my genre, but there you have it, I surprised myself. I liked the way that all the characters from the different seasons tied in and had a connection, which you cleverly wove through your story. If I may suggest, before you publish or give out to editing, always read your manuscript to yourself (I do mine ON PAPER) or give to a friend as well. There are small errors which are most likely just overlooked because you were concentrating on your story, but be careful prepositions, wrong spelling and so forth detracts from your really marvelous work - GOOD IMAGINATION. Keep those "animals" coming! Happy writing, enjoy the rest of your weekend!
Maretha/African Animal Adventures
Thanks for your kind support= very much appreciated

Hi Su,
The diary format works well and I thoroughly enjoyed the first three chapters. The characterisation as a new father was spot on (my own funny little man is 10 months) although saying dada at 11 months seems a bit late.
The only thing about what is undoubtedly a modern day Dracula that didn't quite sit right was the fact that chapter 3 didn't appear to fit within the journal context at some points. It's only my opinion but I think it would work better if it was dated 31st March and went along the lines of: It has been an interesting month. And then tells us what happened.
Overall many stars and best wishes for the future. My shelf is full at present but this is pushing hard for a spot.
Regards,
James
PS I'm going to google Lamia now, you chose that name for a particular reason didn't you?

Very well written, there are odd words missing here and there. This can be edited simply.
Much weirder than I was expecting initially.
There's lots of it and as it's complete, I'll keep it on my watchlist until I have more time to read on.

Pretty damn good. Started slowly and (honestly) almost gave up. But by the time I got to Feb 4th. I was hooked. Rated and backed. James.

Hello!

I like the diary format, very good for getting right into the though processes of your character. I have to say though, Paul is not endearing himself wildly to me in his descriptions of his wife. His references to her 'career' as if its not important, the idea that 'some women make such a fuss' during labour and his description of her as a 'good girl' seem little old fashioned and, dare i say it, sexist. If this is intentional then I think its something you could develop quite well, especially as he starts distrusting Lamia, but at the moment it doen't feel so much like a character tick as a character flaw.

Other than that, I like the premise and think you have some good characters to play with here!

This is a lot of fun! I like the way Paul's character develops from a bit of prat into something quite heroic as he struggles against possession. Glad he saved Jason. I really enjoyed the read and will keep it on my watchlist to read more.
One small thing - in the diary of Sandra (2) 14th March you have a typo. You want threshold and you've got fresh hold.
Like this story a lot.

I find myself laughing with delight and yet at the same time, ( I love your story, I can picture a wonderful movie out of it:) and then all worried and concerned over how Paul is faring as Sandra Crush goes to the police, and her deceitful new girlfriend Lamia the bloodsucker has been seducing her husband, and her baby in danger. The mix of humor and mystery yet touch of reality makes this delightful, Im continuing to read and really enjoying this story.
Saerawrites

Wow! Even before reading on, Im already fascinated, because I love the way you have mixed ordinary everyday life and love, with fantasy and a growing strangeness to one's loving partner, its had me laughing too already at the irony mixed in. Humorous, fascinating and well done. I will be checking back, keep on!
Best Regards,
Saerawrites
The Wizard of Crescent Keep

Wow! Even before reading on, Im already fascinated, because I love the way you have mixed ordinary everyday life and love, with fantasy and a growing strangeness to one's loving partner, its had me laughing too already at the irony mixed in. Humorous, fascinating and well done. I will be checking back, keep on!
Best Regards,
Saerawrites
The Wizard of Crescent Keep

An interesting concept, Su Dan, and when I get the chance I will be back to read more! Juno

From the first I already saw it, contemporary style of and like Bram Stoker's Dracula. I admire the way you wrote it, i mean, I've tried this style more than once and I just can't get a hand of it. triple thumbs up Su Dan! But what i liked the most was how the simplicity of a bore-some life that gets ravaged by a difficult fantasy force.
Finished Winter and will get back to it.
~Kat Mauve

Hi Su,

Really great character development with the diary excerpts.
The only advice I feel comfortable to give (due to my lack of experience in this genre) is to suggest supplying a prologue to each story. It would allow the reader to make sense of what they're about to read; perhaps let your story build and round the character, but let the prologue create it (as right now we see Paul only as he sees himself, but he - and indeed you, the author - writes with an assumed knowledge of some things. For example, his marital relationship. I'm afraid Cush's story is the only one I've had the chance to read some of).

Regards,

"SEASONS" is an interesting concept with a working idea which can hook the reader to read more of it. The protagonist is strong, well created and dominant. The diary idea is good as it catches the attention of the reader and makes the read more personal. The book is on my WL and i will be reading more of it and will back it in near future. Highly rated. best of luck with your book Su Dan.

The book is on my WL and will comment after finishing the read.

I like the personal feeling that telling this story through diaries gives. It feels like you're that much closer to the characters. A very enjoyable read.

Mostly all i have found were some possible typo's nothing major and some questions that you may wish to clear up for your readers. Best of luck! G.W.
2nd paragraph-I think you may be missing a comma after baby
3rd paragraph- I think you have the word it’s in place of is. (If this year it’s…)
In describing his wife’s delivery, about the 8th paragraph you begin with the word that’s…made me wonder? Should just be (that)
When he had left… instead (when he left)
Perhaps his head should spin instead of his stomach.
I retched up liquid… be a tad more descriptive, perhaps… (I wore my lunch)
January 18 an apostrophe after the sentence- possibly a typo
Also, some sort of punctuation seems to be missing after stupid soap
Jan 20 I didn’t see Sandra until (gone?) 9 o’clock I don’t know why the word gone is included to me it doesn’t make sense.
Who is Brenda to this man? Mom? Mother-in-law? Same with George.
Unusual spelling of the word fetus.

Hi, your book very good.

Hi, I've been meaning to have a look at this for a while. It's an interesting concept. I like the idea of writing it as a collection from the journals of different people. It gives you lots of scope to develop the story. The pace is quite gentle but not so slow that you lose interest and there are some interesting characters. Highly starred and wishing you the best with this.

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

This book does sound just like a normal diary being read from almost anyone.
The words flow well.
The pace is slower, but good.
The brakes between each is also good.
It isn't my type of book, but I think you've done a good job at writing it.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Very good. The start flowed smoothly. Good pitch.
Backed!

Hi Sue,
I love the raw honesty your characters voice has throughout. It's like your best friend telling you how they feel because it's safe to confide.
Well done.
Backed,
michelle

Hi Sue,
I love the raw honesty your characters voice has throughout. It's like your best friend telling you how they feel because it's safe to confide.
Well done.
Backed,
michelle

Hi Sue,
I love the raw honesty your characters voice has throughout. It's like your best friend telling you how they feel because it's safe to confide.
Well done.
Backed,
michelle

Hi Su Dan,

Just read the first chapter. The journal entry style is a nice touch, I like it. It's also quite well written, with a smooth flow and strong voice in your main character. I would suggest hooking the reader a little bit more with some more conflict (readers don't like characters who are bored), but other than that, good job! I'll keep it on my watchlist.

Liz