Book Jacket

 

rank 5468
word count 14843
date submitted 18.09.2009
date updated 06.12.2009
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Horror
classification: moderate
incomplete

Deep Within

Charles Day

Two doctors are about to be introduced to something recently born at the Moose Hill Psychiatric Hospital and now it's determined on staying alive.

 

Awakened before the birds begin to chirp, Dr. Steve Evans, Psychiatrist, is alerted by phone that his colleague needs his professional services right away, yet intentionally leaves out something even more important. A major event has occurred while his friends’ patient has been locked up, the true reason for the call.

Located in the heart of the Northern Adirondacks, the historic Moose Hill Psychiatric Hospital holds some of the most severe patients. Dr. Johnson’s patient, Carlitto, has recently become another resident of Moose Hill after being found by police in a psychotic state. Yet, over the last few months while Carlitto remained secure at the facility, three members of his family were found dead at different times, a look of fear permanently etched on their faces.

This leads Dr. Johnson to reach out to someone he can trust, someone who’ll help him with his own investigation into these puzzling deaths. However, something else occurs midway, and it enters Dr. Evan’s mind, determined to settle deep within. Thus begins the battle between good and evil as the two young doctors try and stop a dangerous entity, now unleashed at Moose Hill Asylum.

Complete at 92,000 words- 1st 10 chapters available here.

 
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tags

humor, suspense, thriller

on 9 watchlists

95 comments

 

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Famlavan wrote 757 days ago

This is very, very good. I think how you set this up is one of the best starts i have read in this genre.
Great characters in immense narrative - This is a damned gooe read

RichardBard wrote 760 days ago

You set a wonderful pace in this well-crafted thriller. The pitch sets the stage nicely for what follows, and it is apparent from the realism of the setting and the patient interactions that you have done your research. Before I realized it, I was into chapter three, and in my humble opinion that's the ultimate compliment. Well done. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

soutexmex wrote 762 days ago

Charles: geez, you can write a pitch. I got scared with that short pitch alone. But with that long pitch, have you thought of ending it with a question? Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Burgio wrote 763 days ago

This is a good story. You have a spooky setting for a thriller: an old psychiatric hospital. Next, you added good characters. And most important, there's an ominous tone to this that pervades everything. Makes a reader want to keep turning pages. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

A Knight wrote 766 days ago

This is how a thriller should be done. You use all the weapons in the writer's arsenal with great skill to pitch and portray the story in the opening scenes. It creates a truly unique visua without drowning us in purple prose of getting your readers lost in the language.

Truly gripping stuff.
Abi xxx
"Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules are made to be broken." - Relic

Owen Quinn wrote 784 days ago

magnetic pitch and the storm background will echo the storm that is breaking in the hospital. escriptive, could see the car threatening to plunge down the mountain as the frustration of mobiles had me nodding. Will continue to see what happens

lizjrnm wrote 807 days ago

I have worked as a psychiatric nurse for many years and boy is this thrilling. It reads very intelligently as if the writer has had experience in this field of medicine! I was able to read the first four chapters and had a hard time putting it down but had to so I don't get fired! I will definitely revisit this tonight (or maybe not at dark but rather wait until day time Saturday!) but for now consider it BACKED 100%

Liz
The Cheech Room

Teric Darken wrote 815 days ago

Charles- a terrific story! Easy to digest, with the perfect blend of humor and suspense! "Poor Otis" gets chewed up by the razor wire and bleeds to death, but at least all the children in town can sleep well that night! Priceless! I want a "Property of Moose Hill Psych" t-shirt! Backed, because I simply enjoyed it! Oh yes- the book cover... EXCELLENT as well! Reminds me of my old Batman comics from the early 70's... Arkham Asylum style! Kudos for a story well scripted!

Teric Darken (K - I - L - L FM 100: "Music to Die For!")

Nick Poole2 wrote 819 days ago

Okay, I got caught up in the excitement of the breakneck dash through foul weather to answer an urgent summons. Worked well. Let's look at Chapter 2 to see what all the fuss is about.

Otis. Bit of a digression there.

So now we're there. And Steve needs a piss. And still we wait to find out what horror awaits...

That's a good thing, by the way. Keep up the tension.

Hot Vanessa. A sub-plot?

At last, Carlitto. And he's turned violent.

Steve has gone into a coma. What sort of bite was that? Werewolves come to mind.

Wakes up. Vanessa being coy. Gotta stop now...and I still don't know what's going on!!!

Shelved for keeping me reading. That's half the battle, isn't it?

Nick
"Mirror In The Sky" (see how far you get in mine?)

Jon Doe wrote 823 days ago

great premise and chillingly told. backed with pleasure

chris burton wrote 835 days ago

Charles. Interesting pitch and great cover. Your story moves along at a great pace , with the suspense building up nicely in the opening chapters. Your characters are engaging and your decriptive narrative chilling. This is great stuff. Backed

H Leigh Cornwell wrote 836 days ago

I like the flow, it builds nicely and keeps me wanting to continue.
Backed.

H Leigh Cornwell
(Blood Descent)

lionel25 wrote 836 days ago

Charles, I've looked at your first chapter. Smooth writing. There's one sentence I would have simplified: "This dangerous combination of wind, rain, and wet leaves made driving conditions treacherous for the unsuspecting driver."

Happy to back this.

Regards,

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Tracy McCarthy wrote 837 days ago

Charles. I think this is very well done with a fascinating concept and gripping opening.
As a 'For your information' type thing though. I recently read an article on overused/tired openings for thriller/suspense. The first thing listed was: opening your MS with 'A dark and stormy night" scene. I personally have no qualms with it, but if this lands in front of an editor, it might not stand out because of said inclement weather. I hope this is helpful to you!
Best of luck,
Already backed.
Tracy
The Guardians

meemers wrote 841 days ago

The dialogue and story content swept me in and kept me interested. I like the idea of the hooded man invaded two men's dreams and terrified both....then there's Vanessa. Good read...eerie

sue

James Wayland wrote 846 days ago

Your prose gets better and better. I really like the way you've injected your characters with life and vigor and I think your ability to make them live and breathe is one of your strongest assets.
Keep the scares coming!

-j

AlanMarling wrote 848 days ago

Dear Charles Day,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have a special fondness for secure psychiatric wards; they’re like a second home to me, the screams echoing down dark disinfectant-stinking corridors a lullaby. You start in full swing, a doctor avoiding ice on the road while driving to the hospital over an ominous phone call. “Something has gone terribly wrong” are just about my favorite words to hear in a story. I am also overly fond, perhaps, of the late night routine called sleep. Cute spiderman ring tone. In the second chapter, you meant “past” in “managed to slip pass”. The “inflatable raft” bit elicited a chuckle. Having a would-be escapee maul himself on the barbed fence adds to the mood. I’m thinking Carlitto unloaded something at the dock that horrified him, but we’ll see. I worried about the bite the doctor got from Carlitto, might be something catching. Your greatest strength lies in your creepy mood, endemic to such hospitals.

I couldn’t help but tinker with your short pitch. How does this look? “Something recently born at the Moose Hill Psychiatric Hospital is determined to stay alive, despite the desperate measures taken by two doctors.”

I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Patria wrote 850 days ago

well written and an enticing start to the story. on my list...

Esrevinu wrote 860 days ago

I love what I have read so far

Great imagery and descriptions think you do a very good job of connecting with your readers

You are a gifted writer my friend and your manuscript will do very well.

Backed with pleasure

Best wishes

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Rosalind Barden wrote 892 days ago

Total thriller. Chapter 5 The Dream is especially chilling. You have the talent for horror, which I enjoy. Keep it up! Backed.
Rosalind Barden
American Witch

CamilleS wrote 892 days ago

I only read the first chapter, but it's enough that I want to know what is so urgent at the hospital. Backing to find out!

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

Natalie Jones wrote 893 days ago

I read several chapters and was pleased with the quality of writing and descriptive narrative. I really only have a couple of suggestions. 1) Use one space between sentences not two. 2) Consider a bit of action earlier in the book to draw readers in as soon as possible.

James Wayland wrote 894 days ago

Now I'm appreciating the quick pace. There's a lot happening in Deep Within. I'll offer a more detailed analysis when I finish, but I certainly appreciate what you're doing here. I like your brand of fear.

j

Carole Somerville wrote 895 days ago

Interesting pitch and fast-paced. There's a lot going on that keeps the reader turning the pages.
Shelved,
arole

gillyflower wrote 895 days ago

An exciting plot which starts off well with Steve driving towards the hospital in dangerous weather conditions, with the continued risk of an accident on the twisting mountain roads. You describe the setting and conditions vividly, so that the tension mounts. We are brought right inside Steve's head from the beginning, with his thoughts laid open to us. Steve and Marty are both well drawn characters, easy to relate to, but clearly differentiated. The action begins to move fast as Carlitto tries to strangle Marty, and bites Steve. Steve has some strange reactions. We don't know yet why, or what the real problem is that Marty has with Carlitto. A gripping story, with lots of cliff hanging action to keep us reading on. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Clare Stephen wrote 896 days ago

Dark and gripping. A very promising start indeed. Good luck - and backed. Clare (Second Lives)

Jupiter Echoes wrote 897 days ago

A brilliant beginning to what promises to be scary shit. I can't read it now... it's late, and your evocative style will have me having nightmares.

BACKED

Ginger wrote 897 days ago

Great start to a horror book, I can already picture this as a movie with the dark rainy night and long drive to the hospital. Happily shelved.
Lisa

John Booth wrote 897 days ago

Hi Charles,
Dark and moody and well written - shelved

I think you need to construct some logical reason for Steve to be called out in the middle of the night, because there was nothing going on that required his immediate presence that I could see. I also wondered why guards weren't present in a high security mental hospital when they are talking to the patient.

I spotted a couple of spelling mistakes:
in #2 '...not to long ago' - 'too'
in #3 'your single and looking' - 'you're single and good looking'

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Ben Brown wrote 899 days ago

chilling, scary, great! what more needs to be said, it's on my shelf

James Wayland wrote 900 days ago

You know what it takes to make a scary story work and I like where this is going.
If I were to offer any criticism, I would simply state that you may want to slow down a little. You're moving at a fast pace here, and I really think this piece would benefit from a healthy dose of creeping dread. I like the basic premise and the atmosphere enough that I wouldn't mind it if you developed things a little more. Linger a bit at the onset before racing on, if you will. The hook is set, so let us enjoy the struggle a little before we reel this horrifying fish in.
Regardless, I'll be sharing my thoughts as I progress, and I'm obviously very interested.
On a side note, I would like to thank you for introducing me to this site, which appears to be a wonderful platform for writers looking for feedback and publicity. Few colleagues have treated me as well as you have, and I truly appreciate your support and encouragement.
Keep them scared, Charles, and check out Just the Fright Job if you have some time on your hands and you need a good nightmare to enjoy.

j

KW wrote 900 days ago

This is very interesting. Perhaps, there's a little too much concerning which nurse Steve would like to get to know better, but the recurring dreams, the strange sensation of seeing something else when he was in the bathroom just before he blanked out, the effect that Carlitto has on both Marty and Steve, and the flashbacks to his childhood make this a very intriguing read. Simply, what is it that entered him at that time and who are the kids in his dreams? Also, what role does Vanessa have in all of this?

Carlitto evidently has some special power over the mental attitudes of the young doctors who appear confident in their veneer of knowledge, but who actually know very little about anything. No doubt, one of the biggest problems with the modern medical profession: just because these pups are able to jump the right hoops to get their degrees doesn't really mean they are knowledgeable. I'm sure you have a lot of interesting twists and turns in this engaging read. I've shelved it to be able to come back to it at a later time and get some more insights. Of course, though, that is difficult unless you upload more of the book.

Raymond Nickford wrote 901 days ago

Your opening is certainly atmospheric, creating an almost Gothic mood as Steve wends his way through the night along a spiral of rain soaked roads towards the psychiatric hospital, 'the howling winds... autumn's sweep through the forest..'
The urgency of his summons to the hospital and the fear that the storm may prevent his arrival, maintain tension until the hook question, 'What was so important that it couldn't be explained over the phone?'
You create a palpable sense of Steve's isolation in the face of impending danger and the tension grows as he gets closer to its source at the hospital.
It's almost as if there's a malevolent force emanating from the hospital and trying to ensure that his car slips off the moutainside or crashes into a fallen 'limb' of a tree to stop him from getting to the hospital. I wanted to read on. Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

klouholmes wrote 907 days ago

Hi Charles, This sweeps along and has a tone that belongs to Steve, his youth and his obligation, and his response to the storm. The hospital scenes seemed convincing to me and that the psychiatrists are having to sort out mystery deaths absolutely drew me into this, along with Carlitto’s suspicious violence.
My only thought is the trivialities – perhaps they could be connected to Steve’s relationship with his friend, the coffee, etc.
Great momentum and portrayal of Steve, his being distracted with the personnel, and his professional alertness. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Jeanne Bannon wrote 907 days ago

What an intense chapter. It makes me want to know more...what's he been called to come and see? Happily backed.

Jeanne (Dark Angel)

John Harold McCoy wrote 909 days ago



Hi, Charles. You have quite a bit going on here. I read a few chapter and skimmed into the middle. Your writing is really nice, flowing style, easy to read and you develop the story and character very well. I think this will do well her. I'll give it time on my shelf.

cara_ruegg wrote 909 days ago

the first line painted very beautiful scenery. i love how the thoughts of your characters seem to be in italics. This is very well written and clever. love the idea and everything. shelved.

Leigh Fallon wrote 911 days ago

I really enjoyed this, its a great read. I don't nitpic and hate pointing out errors as I'm no expert and may in fact be wrong ,so ignore me if I'm way off but in chapter 5 you refer to a German Shepard, should that be German Shepherd. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe its a American / English thing. Anyway enjoyed and backed.
The very best of luck with this.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

DMC wrote 912 days ago

Charles
Gripping opening. Dark, brooding and full of promise of things to come. Great scene painting and set up. This is very filmic prose and it puts me in mind of Hitchcock and film noir. You can obviously write, and this feels polished. I didn’t mean to, but of course, I have to read on into ch2…
Now, this is what you’ve been baiting us towards. Now I see the oppressive elements of Moose Hill: razor wire and guard dogs etc. You have great atmosphere building.
A suggestion: if you show Otis trying to escape (say in the distance) rather than reveal it as background, this would really heighten the entrance into Moose Hill. Imagine that as a first hand experience to engage the reader. Showing as opposed to telling. Just a thought – feel free to ignore. I do like the story of Carlito. This makes me nervous. This builds the tension and expectation.
I cannot sing your praise enough but to finish I’ll add one suggestion: ‘Hooked’ by Les Edgerton is a great book that could help you to turn this excellent story into a nail-biting page turner. I am an unpublished author though, so please feel free to disagree. I just hope some of this helps.
This book must be a very potent calling card for a publisher. I for one would buy this and I reckon it would make a great film too.
Shelved with pleasure
David
Green Ore

C W Bigelow wrote 912 days ago

Charles - love the scenery and the mystery of the first 2 chapters. With the Carlitto case you have the reader jumping right in to discover the problem. (peer and pier) in second chapter. Fun read. Shelved. CW

Adrian.A.Moore wrote 913 days ago

Why do you have ‘… until his Cell Phone’ capitalized? I was a bit surprised when the doctor pulled out his case notes in the car. With the torrential rain, I don’t believe he would take them outside in case they got wet and destroyed. If it was so important, the doctor would know everything even without his notes. Marty wouldn’t care about the notes. For me it is more likely he would tell Marty to come to his office and look at the case notes, after all Marty can’t read and drive. I would start with the doctor telling Marty about the weird deaths and then them discussing previous details and how nothing made sense. This is just my opinion.

It is well written and has the making of a good suspense story so I will back.

Adrian
Jack and Boots.

jcoop50 wrote 914 days ago

Very interesting read. I tend to agree with comments about the storm. I kept thinking the car would spin out of control or the storm would have meaning in the first couple of chapters. However, with that said, I like the dialogue and characterization. Based on that, I am backing your book! ? I'll get back with further comments as I continue the read.
Jane Cooper, "The Transformer"

Francesco wrote 914 days ago

Suspenseful, chilling, gripping and wonderfully well told.
Backed.

cutley wrote 915 days ago

The story is very gripping. One just wants to go on and on reading it. I think this will do very well.

Charles

Jill H. O'bones wrote 915 days ago

Great story.

Backed

Jill

marion wrote 915 days ago

Buld up of tension and story line excellent. Drawnin by the cliff hanger at the end of chapt one. A very good start for what promises to be an out of the ordinary thriller. Good luck Marion

Melcom wrote 915 days ago

Great storyline and great writing.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

S.D. Gillen wrote 918 days ago

This was great! I love Steve's humor! Especially when he talked about Marty in the yellow raincoat. Funny!
I did notice in ch. 2 when they talk about the patient sometimes it felt like a sentence was missing or put in the wrong order. (I only noticed because I did the same thing in mine) Easily fixed.
I REALLY like the fact that Steve washed his hands after he went to the bathroom. :)
Steve is a great character and makes me want to see him succeed. I enjoy your writing style. Fun, easy to read and exciting. I could picture everything.
Good job and good luck!!!

Backed by SD Gillen

SRFire wrote 919 days ago

Wow, I was immediately sucked in by the dangerous mountain roads and treacherous conditions. We immediately want to learn about the Hospital the Dr is travelling to. So we are hooked. Best, Sana

CharlieChuck wrote 923 days ago

I read the first few chapters. The suspense builds up well, which is important for a thriller, it is well written, could see any nit picks. I see the detailed weather descriptions has created a few comments, I've got to admit it read fine to me, it built up tension. Also, I think though that most people now associate the spiderman song with the simson's spider pig. I enjoyed this, has a good easy to read style.

Shelved
Charlie

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