The Mark of the Three

This definitely falls in the catagory of high fantasy to me. It's not my genre, so I fon';t feel comfortable commenting on the story, but the writing is good. Grammar, punctuation are in order. Descriptions are fresh and original and don't slow down the action but weave with the action, which I like. Good luck with this.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

A great story and a great plot, fast and well executed. You have created a delightful world which as a reader I feel the author knows well- a good sign of a good book. But what I will say is that you need to do a big edit on this one. You have written it well and your plotting and characterisations are good- but sometimes this reads like a first draft which worries me. Your writing deserves to be shown to the utmost of its ability, the occasionally slip in sentences detracts from what is essentially a good story. Take a good read through, listen to the suggestions made by other authonomites (KJ Kron made some excellent notes on your work, I see) and start to strip away at the extra words and unnecessary sentences which hold back what is a great book. All the best. L.x

i found your story easy to get into and was bowled over by your imagery, your imagination and the strength of your characters. The chapters may seem a little long, but I think this is due to Authonomy and reading online. With a printed book in the hand, long chapters don't matter in the least.

Beautifully written and a pleasure to shelve. Very good luck with it.

Anna (Black Damask)

I really enjoyed the vividness of the picture you painted. But I did find my attention waning as the chapter wore on, not because your writing isn't fabulous, which is it, but because the chapter was so darn long. I was looking for an end.
now this is epic fantasy at its finest and most descriptive.
I don't normally read Epic because I usually find myself having a hard time slipping into the other world and I prefer urban to epic or high. But in all honesty this one of the better written fantasies i have seen on here.
Consider breaking up the chapter, but honestly it is up to you, and remember some books don't even have chapters. Authonomy would kill those people today, Cormac McCarthy wouldn't have had a chance on this site. :)
Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Maria
This is great stuff! Your pitch is irresistible and from very early on it is obvious you are a first-class writer. Your prose is not only strong and effective but it also has a hypnotic rhythmic feel that would make it a perfect story to read out loud. This is great story telling and it’s a pleasure to read. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'll be back for more.
Shelved with my very best wishes
David
Green Ore

Hi,
Epic fantasy, priestess crossing between life and death and back again, a village torn to death. What's not to like - shelved

That's a long first chapter. I'd break it up into two as it's naturally two chapters anyway.

I spotted one spelling mistake ', as on.' should be 'as one'.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

You are a far better writer than me. You have courage to dive into the world of fantasy, I'm not that brave and so hedge my bets by bringing fantasy into this world (at least that's what people think I do). But I'm not sure being a better writer is by default also being a better communicator in other words the story didn't suck me in (probably my fault).

You can definitely write, me I just hang in there and bump along the bottom. Keep at it!

J

This is a fantastic plot. Your prose are excellent, but . . . there's always a but . . . like a previous person said, I found this difficult to get into. The reason why is the omniscient Point of View. It distanced me from the action and made me feel detached from events. As a reader I want to get into someone's head, thoughts, emotions and stay there awhile. I also feel the prologue needs tightened. You have a lot of good things going on here though, so I don't want to discourage you in any way. The scene with the priestess, the thumping, the followers . . . all good. Plus, chapter 1, with the destruction of the town and the way the priestess from the prologue is immediately tied into the story makes for a compelling hook. You are a talented writer, but I do feel this story would be more powerful if the reader could see events unfold through the characters eyes, instead of a god-like narrator. Maybe the priestess first, and then the mother, then back to the priestess . . . I dunno. Even though I have that one major nit, I think the plot is strong, the drama high, the fantasy element creative, so I'm very happy to back. :)

I read only chapter one, and found even this quite hard to get into. I think from the way that you write that English is not your natural mother tongue. It shows, even though you are absolutely fluent I imagine. You sound a tiny bit as though you have swallowed a Thesaurus, I am afraid. I think your work would be much easier to read if you were to take a great number of your overly descriptive phrases and passages out of here.
They slow down the narrative enormously and you have a good story to tell, hampered by trying to describe every noun you use.
You also probably inadvertently use a number of clichés. 'blazing eyes' - very Mills and Boon, if you have never read one, don't bother, but do google it. You have an over fondness for describing eyes in terms which are not at all natural.
You need to get rid of the melodrama that this story overflows with in order to get to the bones of your story and tell it more clearly and quickly.
Backed because it is good for someone whose first language is plainly not English.
Flicka

I wanted so badly to like this book. But instead I found myself lost, tripping over the descriptions. I read into chapter two, but finally stopped. The writing style, isn't my usual genre, so maybe that was the problem. I am also a brand new writer, so I have no comments that I would dare offer in the form of critique. I found as a reader, this story very difficult to get into. The thing is, I really believe you have a story here. I am not sure if some of the descriptives were stripped down if I could follow it a little better. I hope that the right people see this because I really feel that you have talent. The story seems unique and that is always refreshing around here.

Jolly well-written. Not the sort of story that appeals to me, but the great thing about Authonomy is that it introduces one to genres one wouldn't normally read. I'm certainly glad I read this one.

Charles

This was heavy reading for me, but very well written. It reminds me of books published by Tor (you might want to check out that publishing company). Backing.

Your imagery seems epic to me, that is to say you are describing scenes in almost film like ways. I applaud your style, taking time to set the scene and describe the atmosphere without plunging straight into dialogue / action. I also found your longer paragraphs contrasting with shorter, sometimes single sentence paragraphs worked really well to heighten tension and emphasise the story. I am not a fantasy reader, but this site is opening my eyes a little more and yours has definitely persuaded me to explore the genre further.
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

I was able to read your first chapter now that the website is working.

This first chapter is very long. Does it need to be so? The reason I ask is that it might scare off some readers initially. But it's so visceral and descriptive. I could SEE this book so you did an excellent job in your writing.

The short pitch is spot on. The longer pitch could use some editing. Check out mine as examples. This is good stuff and I'm glad I backed it.

Look forward to your comments on my book. Good luck, mate. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

I've seen your book on the shelves of people whose opinions I trust, so I came on over to have a look. I'll be very honest, high epic fantasy is absolutely not my genre so take everything I say with a strong pinch of salt. I can only comment as a reader on the prose, and might be missing the conventions of the genre. I did find this quite hard to get into. Again, it might be a convention, but this feels rather overwritten at the beginning and that slows the read, making it quite hard to be pulled into the story. Personally I like to feel a connection with the characters and at the moment they feel a little removed and remote.
You are clearly hugely smart and can obviously write but I get the impression you're trying to hard to impress your readers. I would be tempted to go through and look really hard at each phrase and figure out if it really works, if it's doing its job or just sounds nice! Make your descriptions work hard, really hard - check out each adjective and adverb - are they really necessary? Are they really showing us anything? Sometimes less is more and simple can be better than complex.
This sounds negative and it isn't meant to be - but I got the feeling you wanted really honest crit. I truly think you have a good story here - people lap up good fantasy and there is clearly a good market for this kind of work. i might be entirely wrong but I just feel you could make this a huge heap even more engaging and exciting.
Happy to back for huge potential.
Jane
Walker

There is a real vibrancy about your writing style. The speed at which you narrate this story is breathtaking, I was shattered after reading it!

I believe this book will be a huge success both in print and on the silver screen.

Backed with pleasure.

Bob

Hi Maria,

You have an elevated style to your writing. Most of the writing I see these days is more simple. This reminds me (and you have to forgive me since it's been 25 years since I read it) Lord of the Rings insofar that it too is written in a lofty style. But since Hemingway, writers seem to try to get away with less instead of more. While your writing is descriptive - it could be cut down. I only offer this as a suggestion because you might totally disagree with me - but consider cutting words. I've just cut an insane amount out of my book - maybe it is worse because of it. I know this doesn't help since it's not an example, but take a look at the last paragraph in the first chapter. Try cutting the following words - or at the very least, ask yourself how significant each of the following words are. Will the reader still get it without them? Leave some to the imagination of the reader. Any way, here's what I'd thinking about cutting:

with a swift motion
severely (cut almost all adverbs)
Priestly (hasn't that been established?)
Upon it (take away the period and change "pulsated" to "pulsating")
higher (using "lifted" makes that obvious)
definitive
with the cleanest edge
slowly
for a moment
Looking around furtively for a brief instant and taking in the carnage
that were beginning (switch "appear" to "appearing")
last
in her arms (where else would she hold her?)
quickly

You might completely disagree with me - and that's fine. Or you might only want to cut half as much as I suggest. Or maybe even more. But you tend to overwrite, which slows down the flow of your prose. Still, I enjoyed the story and I think you have something here. This is the type of piece that seems to have a market and I found myself entertained, even if the pace could have been faster. So for those reasons, I'll give you a little time on my shelf.

-The Mark of the Three-
Hi Maria,
For your young age, this is very sophisticated writing. It's also very deep and complicated. This is your style, yet I wonder whether it could be lightened up a bit. I wanted to like the characters, but it was difficult to get to know them, especially Shailin. But, to be honest, I got bogged down in the backstory/explanations interspersed heavily between the sparse dialogue. I do believe that you are a gifted writer and that you worked hard to write vivid, engaging descriptions. I feel strongly that your story is well-planned, but you make your readers work very hard to get to it. However, on the lighter side, I think that you are brilliant! Take it easy on us not so brilliant ones! Blessings and good luck to you. On my shelf.
Jambi
Fringe of Darkness

Hi Maria,
I read comments you offered for another Authonomy book and given the clearness and specificity of those comments I was interested in reading your book. As others have noted below, your writing is eloquent and polished.

My only two criticisms (offered constructively) are:
(1) Any use of cliches stand out all the more given your sophisticated writing style - e.g. "...her arms plunged sideways in complete, breathtaking surrender" and "The wind was breathtaking." Perhaps do another read and swap out such text with more palatable language that you very clearly are in command of.
(2) Fantasy is not the genre I usually read so take this (as well as comment #1) with a grain of salt. While the descriptions are strong, I wonder if they detract from the flow of the story. I.e. could the pace pick up a bit through increased use of action/dialogue?

Overall, I think you are very talented and will do well with your writing career.

Best of luck.
Andrea
(YA - The Funeral)

The Mark of the Three
Maria Cristina
Three times I tried to start your book, each time I was distracted instead of captivated.
In the prologue your prose are tripping over each other, bordering on hysterical at times.
There is a great scene here struggling desperately to get out.
Cull, cull, cull and cut ‘til your fingers blister. I will come back later.

Well, that’s done my chances of a backing, I had better move on somewhere else.
Sorry.
Troodo,
The Rose of Gildvadane.

Actually, your prologue could be describing a historical fiction set in some distant time and land (although, I'm not sure what you mean by 'the dawn of time', and that's a very well-worn phrase), so to make it fantasy, perhaps you need to explain what is fantastical.

It becomes clearer as we get into the text, which is rich, and evocative, setting an excellent context, although I share some of your other readers' concerns about the lack of POV, and too much omniscient narration. But it's highly imaginative, well-worked out, beautifully written,and I always back books which are at least as good as the worst in my local bookshop, and this is markedly better than even some of the best-sellers, so it's on my shelf. Best wishes, Tony.

I'm off on holiday for a week Christina
Please remind me and I'll comment when I get back. In the meantime I gave it a spin on the shelf
Cheers
Sue

This sparkles. It's all brilliantly described, loading on the thrills
and captivating the reader.. Great technique. Excellent story.
Wishing you all the best with it......Mikey (shelved).

Yum, a fantasy read to get lost in! This is my genre and I would buy this. That is my highest praise!

I have shelved.

All the best
Elaina

Hi Maria!

Great start to a brilliant fantasy read! Your writing flows well, I didn't see anything out of place to nit about. Nice style about this! Shelved.

Kim
Invisible Justice

Hello Maria,

Good composition. Great use of the imagination.I don't consider myself an ardent reader of this genre,but your story is brilliant and I was fascinated by the peculiar premise it is written on. It is well crafted with a compelling plot . The main characters are rich and colourful. I enjoyed the prologue and first chapter. Rightly shelved.

All the best

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Hi Maria,
This is the second time I'm leaving a comment (the first just vanished?????)
I really enjoyed raeding this. You have such a wonderful ability to paint vivid detailed pictures without overbearing the reader. And as others have said, it definitely left me wanting to read more - shelved without hesitation.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

I backed this before and came back to comment. I found your world very appealing and descriptive. You have a good idea on your hands.

Although appealing in the descriptions, at times it felt like you were over-telling with long sentences. Almost like a play by play account of everything that was happening. I feel your story would flow better the sentences were shorter and a bit less showy.

Other than that I was happy to welcome your book to my shelf for a bit.

Good luck with the writing.

M A Koning
Tale of the Seven Stones

Shelved because it's one of the few fantasy books that leave me wanting to come back for more.

Dear Maria,


Thank you for looking at my stuff and commenting. The point you make about Tadpole is valid. It is my own fault I did not make this clear. The review is a few months old and I accidentally resurrected it when I was trying to take it down.

In the past two months I rewrote the manuscript, dropping in the line … I was only a little chap just turning six and Maudie was still under sedation.

I could never say Maudie was just a girl. My daughter would kill me. Tee-hee. I can’t even get her to read the manuscript. It’s beneath her.

You are astute about the dialect in the dialogue. I didn’t like it either. In my rewrite, I have improved the dialogue and smoothed it out for the reader. I also rewrote in British-South African English as the American English was untrue. Now I am submitting to literary agents.

The Mark of the Three is on my bookshelf. I read the comments you are getting and ask you to pay close attention to criticism. It is the only way forward. I received a lot of criticism. Other writers noticed flaws I couldn’t see until they were pointed out. Based on their critiques, I rewrote my manuscript.


All the best to you,


Pierre.

The Mark of the Three opens with a dramatic prologue of the great priestess doing her stuff, followed by the development of a well defined fantasy world. There is plenty of action with the flame stallions and Shadow, and this has all the ingredients that enthusiasts for the genre will enjoy. Backed.

this is just so splendidly over the top and driven that i cannot resist commenting and backing it, even though this is very much not my usual kind of read

the great priestess and the fear she inspires, the terrified peasants, the Shadow, the baby, all of it is whipped up into a manically frenzied reading experience

it seeps with a regressive violence, fantasy's hidden darknesses, which at any time are apt to erupt and drive order into chaos..

shelved for its infectiously energetic readability

freddie
("honour")

Maria,

What an ambitious first chapter. I really liked the scene with the priestess. It was tense and dark, and completely captivating. However, I thought you spent a bit too long with the history of your world. Work that in as you go along, not all at once.

Then the destruction of the town was quite sudden and horrific. You really kept the action moving from that point out.

On my shelf,

ML

Dear Maria,

My usual provisos apply - these are subjective comments from an as yet unpublished author.

As you say, this is a first draft. And I do think it needs a lot of work. I am alo concerned that the names you give people and things could appear quite derivative of Tolkien.

I like the priestess ceremony, but I think it's overwritten in places. This makes the narrative halting rather than full of impact. Lots of description is fine, but I think shorter sentences (and I don't mean my style staccato; I just mean short and clear and uncomplicated) would move the reader more. The same applies to the village section of the prologue. A quicker paceing of the narrative would make that section appear less long.

One thing in first para - you don't need a comma after "roughly-hewn".

Other general comments - use that less, and use -ing forms of verbs less. Those changes, again, would support the pace of the narrative.

Good luck with this.

R

Hi Maria, This apocalyptic world is so hypnotic with its confrontation between the powers of gods with man. It becomes spectacular but consistently imagined. The Priestess is insidious and fascinating with each of her appearances. The description of the house as she entered it stays in my mind. Many of the descriptions were well-woven into the exciting pace. I liked the sentences “A spent smile lingered for a moment…” and “Though her family represented only a small dot…” It all has a cathartic effect, being fantasy. My only thought concerns the first chapter characters dying after being so nicely introduced. The writing has varied effects and yet it is smooth and comprehensible. I’d like to read more – Shelved Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Maria.

You have a deep and complex world here, one which the two chapters I had time for couldn't hope to fully explore. Yet they did convey a good sense of its structure and the troubles it faced, and also introduced some of its peoples.
The ceremony in the chapel at the start of the prologue was a powerful opening scene. You had some very nice descriptive touches.
The following scenes with the advent of the Shadow Legion were very well done, conveying the villagers' terror and Rhela's desperate attempts to protect her son. The fact that she didn't survive was a good surprise. I also liked the complete absence of clues as to what became of her husband and daughter.
I had to smile on reading the scenes where the Southern Black's rider arrives at Shailin's cottage because the description of the horse in particular finds close echoes in my own novels. We must share the same taste in horseflesh!

Slight crits would be that as a prologue, the ceremony scene works well, but the scenes in Aden Edrith were too long. That part felt more like a first chapter than a prologue.
Also, some of the names you're using need careful attention before they become familiar. Too many too soon, perhaps. Tolkein manages it because he doesn't flood the reader with them.

Now to a few specifics:
simplistic building...simple altar...bit of repetition.
the girl had let herself wonder into...should be *wander*.
The half-breeds were distrusted...that needs more explanation as to why.
I loved the baker's character but you refer to him both as Midleyburn and Medleyburn.
They had been thought to have been extinct...awkward phrasing! They were widely believed to be extinct?

Nits aside, this is clearly the start of a work on an epic scale and I enjoyed it. I'd certainly read more and I am going to shelve, but I do think it needs more work to perhaps simplify and clarify at the beginning.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

Exciting story. Well written. I found the prologue a bit long. But the story itself more than make up for that. It could use a few more scenes. Well written dialogue has a way of speeding up a story. Making the reader be more a part of interactions instead of being told what happened. That being said you do have a fine bit of writing here. Good luck and on my shelf. C.P

Maria,
Wow, this is some powerful fantasy writing! The intro sparkles as the Great Princess overwhelms the crowd and the reader. You paint incredible pictures with your narrative. You have real a command of words with a lot of great lines like:
Flame surrounded her in a column of crimson darkness rich as the fibers of the world. (Wow.)
The gale, the wind and all life quieted to a tense silence. (The reader can feel the hush.)
And you bring on the action scenes with the Legionaire attack. I was just getting attached to Rhela when she lost her head to the Shadow on the Flame Stallion. Yikes, what bloody carnage! This is out of my league for editing, but I did notice one slip of point of view between Aledan and Rhela before the attack, no big deal.
This is a fantastic story, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Hi Maria. This is great descriptive prose, an intriguing premise and has the makings of a real epic fantasy novel. Even though I felt plunged into a world I didn't understand, the characters were still realistic and believable. My suggestion to make this novel exceptional - for it has extraordinary imagination and plot behind it, would be to infuse more action and dialogue into it. The pace is a tad slow and I found myself getting impatient and wanting to hear some 'voices.' I think you've provided in-depth information and vivid descriptions of 'where and when'. But I'm not getting much of the 'who', 'what' and why. These five w's, that I was told by quite a high authority, are the key to writing a great novel - and those five w's have to be on every page. I hope this is helpful. You have a lovely writing style, and an impressive imagination, and with some work this could be exceptional. Shelved for potential.

Hi Maria,

I would suggest you split the longer pitch into smaller paragraphs as it’s hard to read when it’s in one block. I like your writing style; it’s fluid and easy to read. Good characterisation and the dialogue was believable. Your sentences were precise though I thought the pacing was a little slow to begin with. Some good vivid descriptions that set the scenes well.

This was a fascinating read. Very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Maria,
You do a skillful job of pinting a scene with your words. You take us into a world of your own creation and we can beleive it exosts.
That said, the prologue did a great job of letting me know there where of your story, but I found myself wanting to skip ahead to find some activity.
You have a talent for descriptive prose. I look forward to reading more.
I am shelving it for potential.
MickR - The Nightcrawler