Magistrum's Lair

Into The Master's Lair

Laurie A Will

Laurie,
Your pitches read well and piqued my curiosity for a number of reasons. I liked your provocative elements, including the idea of Mikell having dreamed about Lauriana for most of his life, having that mysterious, haunted past which might place her in mortal danger. I love your title by the way - very apt. Your writing is solid and very readable. I love your descriptions which made this very visual and imbued me with a sense of being directly in the scenes. Your wizard is credible as you attribute traits to him which personifies him well. He "never became accustomed to the horror on people's faces when they looked in his eyes. The solid black color was not the only element that disturbed them, but the total void of life therein. What they took as a sign of evil was merely the result of centuries of absorbing magic." Simply beautiful writing and I enjoyed what I read so far. Happy to have given this a spin on my bookshelf and I do hope to see this in print soon! Your fantasy world is indeed artfully contrived and your characters memorable. Best with it.

This is exciting, gripping stuff..Each chapter ends in suspense, so the reader is as trapped in this adventure as Lauriana and her brothers and cousins are! There's so many questions that need answering, we have to read on.
The prologue introduces the twins Lira and her brother as they argue about how to deal with the dark wizard. Then we see how evil the Dark Wizard is. Chapter 1 is a lively introduction to Lauriana, her brothers and cousins. The rescue of young Mays reveals how brave Laurianna is and the dialogue between the friends and family is convincing and with humour. Very quickly we realise there is something not quite right. You build up the tension well: dry weather was forcast, so why has a vicious storm blown up and why is there a black cloud right above their house?
Lauriana is also feeling strange and I'm wondering if there's a significance in it being her 25th birthday. Is she the child spoken of in the prologue?
Lauriana's attracted to the cellar as though something is driving her there and she finds a door she's never seen before. The mysterious key that she receives as a birthday present fits the lock and she walks inside... with her 2 briothers following nervously. I like the idea of them finding the weapons with their names inscribed. It's strange that the fourth name on the dagger has been removed. Why is this? Winnie follows and she is the one who takes the dagger and slots ithe final weapon into the pedestal.
Jenessa has also tried to follow and at the end of chapter 1 stumbles into a body! Good ending of a chapter!
So already by the end of chapter 1 we care about Laurianna and have a rounded picture of her. She's in love with Adi, who is on the point of proposing to her, she's a lawyer but has difficulties at work because of her bullying boss, Conrad; she is brave and caring and also in conflict with her Aunt Ginny. We also know that her parents can be very protective and tend to treat her as a child, whilst elder brother Marcus likes to control her but Sheridan is loyal. I'm thinking that all these aspects may be relevant later in the story.. We've also started the adventure and there's danger already. It's a very effective first chaopter and you've not given the reader a chance to grow impatient!
Chapter 2 begins with humour as Marcus and Sheridan realise they have different bodies, Poor Sheridan has lost 3 feet in height, grown very stocky and has a bushy beard! He's also very grumpy.The girls are slightly changed too, but not as drastically. But what has happened to Jenessa.? They meet the Light Wizard, Zeke, who talks of a prophecy but brings Jenessa round, saying she is a mage. All very mysterious. He expected Laurianna to arrive,,.but what is so special about her and what has she got to do?
We learn more of the difficult challenge ahead and of Laurianna's mysterious cionnection with Zotara. Zeke daren't reveal just how important it is that they succeed., because It is not just their lives at risk, it is the whole world!. I like the way they all have special skills and talents. It reminds me a little of the Narnia stories when each child is given a special weapon or skill.
There's more humour when Zeke seeks out his old friend, the sorceress, for help. I can see he really likes her but their relationship is somewhat fiery!. Interesting to see how it will work out.
Chapter 2 ends on another cliffhanger. THere's a loud voice and a huge eye looking in at Zeks and Asheena,. Who is it? Is it friend or foe?
I was delighted to find it was a dragon. This is really building up into an excellent fantasy novel. It has everything a reader of fantasy novels could possibly want. Adventure, a prophecy, a dark wizard, light wizard, romance., magic, a dwarf and an elf, a warrior princess on a quest and a dragon. But it feels original and fresh and is told with humour .Well done.
BACKED.
Cherry G.
The Girl from Ithaca

The opening of your book is a rich piece of classic fantasy. Your powers of description are excellent, the narrative, dialogue and characterisation tight and focused: The goblet hit the far wall, sending showers of glass and scarlet wine... Each touch brought iridescent flashes of green, gold, and red...

Nitpicks: These are nothing major and easily rectified. You tend to repeat Lira's name over and over in close proximity - (Lira) conjured a lethal fireball...
(Lira) sniffed...
(Lira) smiled... After the first few lines, the reader is well aware of who she is, particularly since the other characters in this section are male. Therefore, it's okay to use 'she' or 'her' in place of her name occasionally.

Typo: Quite sure (My) Lord. There's no need to capatilise the M.

All in all this holds a great deal of promise. It's rich, three dimensional and engaging. Backed.

Without shoving anything down our throats, you manage to give positively fantastic characterization, a great setting, lots of information so we're not confused without bogging down the narrative in the slightest. The prologue was just as good as the rest of the book--which, by the way, is amazing. In my experience, it's extremely hard to pull off a good prologue, let alone an incredible one, not to mention one that's on par with the rest of a great book.
All in all, excellent job, and I'm absolutely thrilled to back it!

Laurie. Hi (finally). Great premise, great story. I read a lot of fantasy. A lot. This reminds of Terry Goodkind meets Thomas Covenant meets Narnia. Which is to say I really like this and am very comfortable with it. As with most fantasy, you've created a huge (gargantuan) story. But your characters carry the plot well--even when a birthday party turns to a storm, then a trip through a portal.

I thought the prologue was fantastic. Liked how you split it between the two scenes. It was informative while not seeming like an info drop.
Chapter one said quite a bit about the mc, and family, all the while pulling me along with a very comfortably written scenario. Chapter two was a a nice scene, but didn't seem to have the level of editing the previous two had. Still great, but there are a few typos and small logic issues. If you like--and since I took so long to get back to you--you can send your chapter 2 to me and I'll do a proper inline crit on it. I wouldn't offer if I didn't think this story was good. As I said, I love fantasy.
Gerry
Dropcloth Angels

Oh I started to read this and then realised I'd read it and backed it before. Have you changed the title? Yeah I think this used to be "Into the Master's Lair." I like your new title better. More intriguing. ;)

I still think this is a classic good v evil fantasy tale. Plenty of action and ominous hints of nastiness to come. We almost have to read on to find out what will happen next, don't we? :) and Lauriana's a great character, so well drawn. Much better than the cardboard cutouts that sometimes populate fantasy books. :)

I'm happy to give this 6 stars, and I really hope you manage to get published. :)

best wishes,

Pete x

I'm a kid for stories. I crit the story and you gave it away, so early, nevertheless an awesome piece of work

Dear Laurie, I was easily lost in your captivating descriptions and many emotions that I became enveloped by. Your direction is strong giving the reader the sense of how haunted the characters in your story are. Its consuming, but with a certain kindness, that tells me how much effort the writer put in, when plotting and planning this great story. I am not a great critic. But I have scoured the world for works of great Literature, and I would have loved stumbling across this one, one day! It was a delight and an honour. Good luck and best wishes. Take care, Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

Hi, Laurie. Herewith a "Worldbuilder's Thread" critique for your consideration. Please remember that this is not a professional's crit, but rather the views of one reader - me. And 'me' can often be wrong about stuff.

Anyways, onwards and upwards!

#blurb - it does its job, but could it do the job better? I'd be more likely to check out the book if I was told more about Lauriana in that first para, relegating the Master (a name that immediately triggers my Dr Who reflexes) as the threat she must overcome to the third para.

#prologue #s1 - The writing here is good, though I think it could be tightened and polished a little more - for example the p1 image "splattering ... dull grey walls" repeats in p3 "... scraped off the walls". Also, speech tags: 'growled', 'replied', 'asked' - I'm wondering why the aversion to 'said'?

My key problem with this section is it seems to give the game away straight off the bat. The woman 'has to stay' on Zircon and 'is destined to bear a child of this world'. She's also going to 'be compelled' to fall in love with the ranger whether she likes it or not, thanks to Lais's compulsion spell. While there's interest for me (as a reader) to find out just how powerful these minor gods are and whether Lauriana will be able to dodge their bullets, I think the reveals dampened rather than enhanced my expectations for the story.

#prologue #s2 - The dialogue here between the wizard and Adamek feels much more natural than that between the sibling gods in the previous section (again no 'said', but you've worked the exchange very nicely so that there's no need for speech tags).

Again, the exposition - the wizard 'must remain within a magic boundary'; failing to 'control the woman' will lead to his death 'within months'; gaining control of her will make him 'invincible'. I think this is too much infodump so early in the story - it leaches away the tension (for me at least) of what is to come.

I'm wondering if you're missing a trick here to introduce us readers to Lauriana via the wizard's observations of her through his mirror?

#Ch1 #s1 - the essential action in this section centres on Lauriana, Winnie and Maya. Question: are Marcus and Sheridan essential to this action? The dialogue in this section doesn't feel as well written as that in #P#s2. Also, the sudden arrival of the storm seemed incidental (portent of things to come, yes, but maybe the strangeness of the storm could be better described? The storm in Ch1 of Harry Potter: Phoenix might be a good example).

#Ch1 #s2 - you're back on form with the dialogue here between Lauriana and Ari - reads much more naturally. The false seduction didn't sit quite right with me, nor did Lauriana's worries about her boss (her boyfriend, injuries and need to get towels to the guests would seem to be more pressing concerns). I do like the eerieness of the cellar - the description onwards from the encounter with Aunt Ginny is good writing.

#Ch1 #s3 - is this section essential to the story?

#Ch1 #s4 - maybe this section would be a good point to introduce Marcus and explain his connection to Ari?

#Ch1 #s5 - The exploration of the secret room. I'm thinking that this deserves a chapter break. I certainly want more description of the transition and the room with the weapons. This also might be a good point to introduce Sheridan and contrast him to Marcus?

Sheridan: "Let's go before mom thinks we've abandoned her party" - I thought the party had broken up 3 sections before?

#Ch1 #s6 - I think I want more wonder/drama/fear from Janessa's POV. As there's only 4 weapons (all claimed) I'm assuming Janessa's transportation is accidental - I think it might be more impressive if J had to fight through some barriers to follow her sister/cousins

#General comment - the main POV is Lauriana's close 3rd, with the occasional foray into other close 3rd POVs (both sections in the prologue, #Ch1#s3, now Ch1#s6). I'm not convinced yet that this strategy is working to the story's enhancement.

#Ch2#s1 - the characters all seem to adapt very rapidly to their very changed circumstances; there may be room here to add a touch more hysteria/shock/disbelief? Possibly by a good old fashioned family argument interrupted by Winnie discovering her unconscious sister?

Dialogue oops @ para starting "Only you, Lauriana".

Zeke's appearance and news reads a little to matter-of-fact. No challenge from (now giant) Marcus? No display of power beyond appearing in the glade and (very easily) healing Janessa?

It all moves a little too quickly for me at this point - I hate to say it but my suspension of disbelief is beginning to sag.

#Ch2#s2 - does this glimpse at the dark wizard help to move the story forward? I'm not convinced.

#Ch2#s3 - I feel like I'm at the start of a 'Dungeons and Dragons' quest as each character is given their role ... and my SoD breaks.

I'm going to stop reading here. I think my main problem is not with your story, your characters or your writing style (which is mostly good, with some excellent interludes). Rather I keep finding myself thinking of other books* and, in comparison to those, this book is struggling to compete - at the moment. But the potential is definitely there for this book to become a contender if you choose to put in the work. I hope my comments might be of help in your quest for brilliance!

Best wishes,
Rik


*One book in particular keeps intruding: Stephen Donaldson's 'Mordant's Need' - I think it was the wizard with his mirrors in the prologue that triggered the thought, and since then I haven't been able to shake the book out of my mind.

I read ch 2. Here are my notes:

The first paragraph hints at a strong heroine. I love this type of story for my daughters.

It’s exciting to be in the mystery with Lauriana as she tries to figure out what’s happening.

I love how this unfolds. Figuring out that they’ve been changed.

A lot of tension in this scene.

Of course, a wizard. I should have seen that coming. The genre needs it.

You keep the tension by not revealing too much. Just enough to keep us going.

Section break

Pretty cool room. I’d like one like that.
You got us feeling rather uneasy about the dark wizard.

Section break

Good placement of the backstory and intro of the quest.

Section break

You’ve got us warmed up to the wizard, but not entirely comfortable.

Section break

Through the next few sections the action really picks up. We understand the basic of the world/plot and now the tension builds: sorcerers, etc.

This is a carefully crafted, well thought out story. Then you have the metaphors. There's a lot happening under the surface here.

Hi Laurie

It has taken me a little while (apologies) but here are my comments on the first three chapters of Into the Master’s Lair. From the comments I have left on other books on the Worldbuilders thread, you’ll have an idea of how I operate. Don’t hesitate to bite back should I speak out of turn. I hope these comments will help.

Prologue

1. Nice start into the thick of things but a little more judicious description would help place the reader into your world. We are in a cavern with dull grey walls and tapestries, but a plush carpet and an ornate throne. There’s a hint later that it’s cluttered. I’m getting mixed messages as to what kind of villain we’re dealing with. Is this desolate Mordor, Merlin’s hiddely-piggeldy chambers or Dracula’s luxurious boudoir? It would be good to nail that from the outset.

2. Lais is hovering near the ceiling and yet can see the wizard’s eyes as he peers over his books. Through the back of his head? Why not have him look up, disturbed by something he cannot fathom, which would reinforce his inability to see Lais hence her disdain. In that sense, why should she hover near the ceiling, why not strut around right in front of the wizard making the impotent guards dodge out of the way without ever understanding why?

3. On the lesser gods / higher gods thing: Lais seems to draw a distinction between lesser gods and herself, whereas Linex is quite clear that he and his sister are lesser gods – and subservient to the higher gods. Does that rankle with Lais? Does her choice of the “superior” elven form as opposed to her brother’s choice of the human form signify some rebellion? Linex appears hardly inferior in powers despite his choice of form.

4. Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving this. This is classic high fantasy, almost camp in its gleeful use of gods! wizards! elves! unbreakable all-governing prophecies! spells on scrolls! Keep up the campness, it’s wonderful.

5. Careful with info-dump however, don’t lay out all the plot or all the source of conflict so matter of factly (if there is such an expression).

6. Linex’s concern for the woman’s emotions is interesting. More please?

7. “... at a party in her parent’s backyard ...” should that be “parents’”?

8. Why did the wizard stand one hour in front of his scrying mirror? Why is the time significant? What were his evil emotions? He does mull over his plan once back on his throne. Nice build up of tension for the as yet unnamed woman.

Chapter 1

1. “Her cousin, Winnie” no need for a comma.

2. Twenty five? Nice to see a grown up MC.

3. Gawd, another lawyer in a fantasy tale. I don’t half know that lawyers need some escapism but we’re overrepresented in the genre! Along with doctors ... must be something to do with stress.

4. Aww, work pressures get in the way of a tender scene. That’s cruel.

5. We learn a lot about the MC’s relationship with her family and, interesting as this is, I hope it’s of direct relevance to the story. Actually, there is an imbalance. I think we learn more about the family members who stay behind than those that accompany Lauriana. I think we need to understand a lot more about the latter group through the MC’s interactions with them during the party, rather than Aunt Ginny (unless she is revealed as a major player later).

6. I guess Lauriana’s compulsion to run down the magical corridor something to do with her parents and work, it can’t be to do with her brothers as they accompany her. And would she really do that when looking forward to a night with Ari? I’m struggling with the nature of that compulsion. She had felt if before that day, but was that feeling welcomed or dreaded? I feel that a little more clarity here is needed. After all, Ben Holiday had nothing to look forward to when he went to Landover.

7. I love the choosing of weapons. That’s just so gamer-orientated.

8. A body in the cellar! What a cliff hanger. I love it. That’s good!

Chapter 2

1. Love the transformations. Did I say this was camp? Love it. OMG, my ears!

2. All your characters seem a little cool during the encounter with Zeke. I’d think wide-eyed, running around, screaming panic would be the normal reaction. However, the way Jenessa copes it interesting: she’s throwing herself into this. Build on that, and the conflict between realists and dreamers in the group. Could Lauriana’s lawyerly skills be keeping her mind clear in the face of irrational events?

3. So Zeke knew someone was coming but not that four weapons had to be selected to make the portal work? Hmm. Something’s missing here. Is Zeke being honest? Silvercloak in the Fionavar Tapestry wasn’t.

4. Sorry, but your dark wizard is coming across a little lame so far. Can’t see Lais, missed the arrival of Lauriana, doesn’t know about the companions (nice gaming categories BTW) ... I need some evidence of a threat, of something to make me go “woo, here’s the boss”.

5. Again apologies but the rest of this chapter irritated me a little. The exposition given by Zeke, his conferring with Ash is just too stock in trade. You have on the one hand a gleeful, joyous style that celebrates the traditional fantasy elements (which is strangely lacking in this chapter, which seems to take itself too seriously) and on the other a very stark, very grown-up premise here: a woman is chosen to procreate to fulfil destiny, whether for love or not. The two elements work well together to create an involving, intriguing adventure. Please don’t rely on derivate plot strands, you can clearly do much better than that.

There will be more later. I hope all the above helps in one way or another. Happy to discuss any points.

Cheers, TRM.

This is a good fantasy story, enough for me to want to read more! I can be quite critical and I think you're heading in the right direction

Sis

Into the Master's Lair
Hi, Laurie,
To set up this story, you need to be clearer on who Lais is and where Lais and her brother are in regard to the wizard's location. In this first paragraph, you are setting the mood for the reader, helping her mind to shift into story so that her senses sharpen to the tale. Once we are clear enough on this, the rest flows without confusion.

This is a finely crafted tale. Gripping, tense, provocative, imaginative.

Backed.
Gloria Piper
Finngan's Quest

Hi Laurie,
Ok, the prologue is good and interesting, I like how you put the non interference clause into things!
Second chapter is a great description of the family party, sounds like my family with the drunk auntie and brothers stuffing their faces!! : )
The writing is great, the pace flows and I feel I know Lauriana in the first few paragraph\s of the second chapter.
I like how the storm sets in too, an omen of things to come? Very Shakespearian!
BACKED and good luck with this.
When you have commented or backed me I will give you the names of three ppl to msg saying you have read my work and would they mind returning the favor!
I am a man of my wordI assure you.
Thanks for you time!
David J Pickering
CONVERGENCE
THE CIVIL UNREST

Hi Laurie,
Ok, the prologue is good and interesting, I like how you put the non interference clause into things!
Second chapter is a great description of the family party, sounds like my family with the drunk auntie and brothers stuffing their faces!! : )
The writing is great, the pace flows and I feel I know Lauriana in the first few paragraph\s of the second chapter.
I like how the storm sets in too, an omen of things to come? Very Shakespearian!
BACKED and good luck with this.
When you have commented or backed me I will give you the names of three ppl to msg saying you have read my work and would they mind returning the favor!
I am a man of my wordI assure you.
Thanks for you time!
David J Pickering
CONVERGENCE
THE CIVIL UNREST

Hi Laurie, beautiful varied sentences, nice, fresh images, rich vocubulary. plenty there to make not just a good book but a very interesting read. You set the scene with strong, clear strokes and would I be a lover of fantasy this would definitely a story to dive into.... I wish for you that it will soon be published, so good luck and you have my backing without doubt. Hannah

This is a very interesting beginning to a tale of many things. Shame I don't have time to read more, though I have backed it, and will definitely be back to read more of it. It's such an interesting premise, and I can't wait to see how things play out. How the wizard loses, whether Lias's spell really does dull the love of another and makes Lauriana stay or return.

Very nice foundation. I like the pitch and it leaves me wanting to read more. Haven't read a "dream" related novel in a long time. Looks to be a fantasy worth while. Nice job.
Best of Luck to you!
Nadiyah-
http://www.authonomy.com/books/26475/keep-your-friends-close-your-co-workers-closer/

Love the immediate intro to action. Wizard tales are great stuff.

Suz

I've read the prologue and first chapter and find it to be an interesting, well paced start. Although I didn't feel that there was any particular uniquness to the story, I did find the voice of the story unique. Back to read more later.

I'm no literary critic - and don't pretend to be. All I'll say is I've read the first six chapters and wish this were already in print so I could read it properly - with that new book smell, crisp clean pages and at my leisure!

Backed with best wishes - Glenn Johnstone (Darkling Child)

This is great. I read the first few chapters and was hooked. Unfortunately, I have to do homework now. I will finish reading it later. I can't wait!

You have an interesting and unique idea for this story. It is well written, both the narrative and the dialogue.

The only thing that has raised a question for me so far is the gift of the key and the speed with which Lauriana decides to try that key in the lock. That whole scene seems somewhat contrived to me. I would rather have the key already in the lock or hanging on a nail or something next to the door. If it is important for her to receive the key as a gift, I would suggest that she spend more time looking for a key or at least examining the keyhole and realizing that the shape of the hole appears to match the key she just received.

This promises to be a winner.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

I think this is a good book. Not my usual type; however it did open the doors of interest if you will. Please look at mine if you can; TRANSIT THERAPY. Thanks.

all the ingredients of a great sci-fi book, here. perfect style, pace and dialogue. on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

I like this. I'm going to continue reading as I'm on chapter 3. This story sort of reminds me of the old D&D cartoon, except that Lauriana is the heroine. I like fantasy romance and will probably finish by the end of the week. I just wanted to comment and let you know that I have been reading it. Lauriana is a strong MC. Your pitch was really interesting. I hope you like my Onestra Saga.

Francine

a wizarde of a book.... Ash smokes a pipe.................. and why not?
Interesting voice and a craftesman style...where there'rs a will.....

backed with pleasure

David Saving Starfish
c/o Hotel Le Brambily.

This isn't my genre so comments should not be taken to heart; it's not a book I would buy but i believe plenty of people out there would and many on authonomy will give better comments than I.
The prologue appears, to me, to have very good tempo - it flows, pulls the reader in quickly and is extremely well written. This continues and although my own preference usually leads to me switching off from lengthy dialogue broken rhythmically by fragments of description, on this occasion my interest was sufficiently sustained and I read to the end of second chapter without break (kudos to you). Only suggestion I would make is to watch out for: dialogue - (description) - dialogue - then they go here(description) - dialogue - they sit down(description) - dialogue. It works fine but at one point I found myself having (briefly) lost my emotional attachment to the characters, which you had built up so well at the start. (this might be a reflection on me and not your work)
The overall plot is quite standard, dichotomy of good and evil, but I don't think this will detract from the book doing well - far from it - because your characters are introduced with thought and the work poses enough suspicions and questions early on to ferment intrigue and hook the reader.
I wish you the best of luck with this book. I hope other fantasy writers take time to read the book and offer you their better suited advice.
Vasnetsov
'Hide and Seek'

Into The Master's Lair

Laurie A Will

Laurie,
Your pitches read well and piqued my curiosity for a number of reasons. I liked your provocative elements, including the idea of Mikell having dreamed about Lauriana for most of his life, having that mysterious, haunted past which might place her in mortal danger. I love your title by the way - very apt. Your writing is solid and very readable. I love your descriptions which made this very visual and imbued me with a sense of being directly in the scenes. Your wizard is credible as you attribute traits to him which personifies him well. He "never became accustomed to the horror on people's faces when they looked in his eyes. The solid black color was not the only element that disturbed them, but the total void of life therein. What they took as a sign of evil was merely the result of centuries of absorbing magic." Simply beautiful writing and I enjoyed what I read so far. Happy to have given this a spin on my bookshelf and I do hope to see this in print soon! Your fantasy world is indeed artfully contrived and your characters memorable. Best with it.

After reading prologue and chapter one, I want to keep reading. I read most comments and there is nothing I can add that hasn't been said. I think You have a winner....

Hi Laurie ...

You have picked a very hard subject with fantasy. Unfortunately the site appears flooded with this genre at the moment. Yours though stands out amongst a crowded pile of titles. Your plot is good and the characters strong and lifelike dialogue is good and believable. 'Backed' Regards ... Duncan.

Never at a loss for action. Not one dull moment. Splattered with glittering and dark magic. A war has begun and only those who read on will have the benefit of knowing the outcome! BACKED
Carrie
The Darkwood Tales: Demouri's Defeat

This is not my genre, but it starts right into the story, the narative is crisp and compelling, and the first chapter ends on a hanger thus ensuring a turn of the page.
Backed.

This is not my genre of choice, so I may not be the best person to comment on it. I read the first two chapters and found it quite gripping. hope you make the editors desk. Backed

Andy Bradford
Live Eels and Grand Pianos

An intriguing story and one I'lol have to come back and finish. Just one quick query though, how can Lais look the wizard in the eye when she's near the ceiling and he's looking down at the prophesies, and he isn't looking at her because he can't see her?

S.J.

Laurie,
Lauriana has quite a fantastic adventure in Into The Master's Lair. Your descriptions create vivid images in the reader's mind. I enjoy seeing elements of romance in the fantasy genre and you have an enthralling plot. Backed with pleasure.

Engaging for the outset and well written. Not my genre but if I picked it up, I would keep reading.

This is the stuff that a true fantasy is made of. Wizards, magic, gods, and prophecies. I like the insight about the dark wizard - people thought that he was evil, but in actual fact his eyes looked that way because he had been absorbing magic for so long. And the necessary hook to keep reading onto the next chapter.
Well done!
Sana
(I hope you can find some time to look at Saffire Drake which has also had an edit of sorts.)

Lais and Linex are the perfect foil for each other and they introduce the elements of this tale seamlessly. There is no doubting the quality of the writing or the pacing of the plot. This book will stand out effortlessly amongst the others . Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Great fantasy story, very well written with fantastic characters. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

This is very well written. Anyone who enjoys the classic fantasy genre will have a great time with this. Backed with pleasure.

J. Moore
Vigilante

This is good stuff. It's also interesting that it started because of your son's dream. I read a couple of chapters, and will continue to read. Backed! Karen 'Percy' and 'Conspiracy'

Into the Master's Lair
I think I backed this without leaving a comment being pressed for time. I can't think of anything to add to the comments already made. Loved the book. Have backed it again just in case it didn't record the first time.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man

19 August 2010
Into The Master's Lair has a sombre, powerful ambience --wizardry, cave, invisibility, impending multi layered conflict -- from the very beginning that bodes well. The prose is powerfully descriptive and focused with effortless ease. Tension is relentlessly ratcheted up with vibrant and almost visual scenarios. This is dark, Disney with attitude --my kind of fantasy. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

Well done! I can't find nothing to fault. Read the first chapter and love the voice of this. Good luck with it.

I found this to be very well-written, with a good, effortless introduction to character and scene. Here and there, I feel that your prose gets bogged down a bit, that there are sections that could be more concise. Example:

"How could a wizard who could no longer leave his lair pose such a perilous...." The clause "who could no longer leave his lair" really slows down the action here--isn't there a word that would suffice, like house-bound? But then why is that important--why does the fact that he doesn't leave his lair matter? He's a wizard; I'm assuming he can do damage from anywhere. Another similar example is the sentence that starts: "Despite being the most powerful wizard known..." What about "Despite his immense power..." But again, why does the fact that he's powerful make it strange that he can't see or hear her? We get the answer in the next sentence, but perhaps these two could be combined and made more active. I only put the first two examples I found but throughout the prose, there are sentences like this that could be tightened up. At other times, your writing is direct and vivid. "The fireball flared, then fizzled out with a hiss." "The wizard's lips curled back as he flung the wineglass." I hope you can see the difference between these two types of sentences, the ones that are active and direct, the ones that meander a bit. Overall, a great start to the story and I enjoyed it.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Hi,

I just wanted to leave a few comments on your work. :)

Your book's an exciting and vivid piece of writing that starts out with an ominous foreshadowing of things to come. We are left with plenty of questions, and hunger to have them answered.

Who wouldn't want to read a classic story of good against evil. Gods and mortals in conflict. I wonder: what will Lauriana's destiny be?

On the strength of the 1st couple of chapters, I'm happy to back your work and wish you well. :)

Pete

Tense, evocative and well written. On my shelf.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

Laurie

Read your Forum comment about return backing, so this is purely self-seeking!

I'm not into fantasy, but from what I've read, yours is a clear, confident creation of an 'alien' world. A lot happens in the opening - I'd prefer (personal opinion!) more psychological insight into the characters and their motives rather than just action. Perhaps you get deeper later on?

Like to take a look at Dying for Love? I know that crime is probably not your thing, but...

Colin Eston

Laurie,

You have a nice style and I really like the idea of an imprisoned wizard still mucking the world up through his dark arts. I also like the touch of his having black eyes from absorbing so much magic. Great set up, you've really got your tale off and running.

One small nit: you refer to him as a "vile man" once as part of the woman's thoughts and then as dialogue from her brother. It's such a specific and unique word that this stuck out for me.

All the best with this and backed with pleasure.

Eric

I was finally able to return and read the rest of what you have uploaded and I am so glad i did. I was up half the night - it was that compelling! Excellent writing and an original story line make this a perfect fantasy novel. Well done - my only complaint is I WANT MORE! I'm backing this again - it's that good!

liz
The Cheech Room

Hi Laurie,

As promised I said I'd take a look. It's some time since I read a fantasy novel and I'd forgotten how fun they could be!
Your descriptive passages are very good, lots of excellent intro pieces, fine narration and the dialogue reads well. The pace thunders along making it a gripping all round read.

Nits. Just a few typos and the odd word in the wrong place (according to how I would write it but maybe you know best) in the first few chapters. Apart from that even more strong editing will bring it right up to scratch. Well done. Already backed it so good luck!
Faith
The Assassins Village

Dear Laurie
Amazing book cover and I know that I said i would carry one reading your
book , but i have as yet read it all, but again
will continue. I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

You've set up an interesting situation in the first chapter-- high stakes, unusual constraints.
At the same time, you're able to effectively introduce your main character, with her completely "normal" surroundings and mundane concerns.

This is absolutely a wondeful piece of fantasy writing. Are you planning on posting the rest of the chapters here? If so, I'd love to read the ending.

Backed a few days ago, sorry for the late comment.

Good Luck
Natalie