Screwed

Forgive me for asking, but who edited your PhD thesis for you? I suggest you call that person in immediately and get them to go through your novel. I couldn't go beyond the first chapter, which I read in mounting disbelief at your multiple spelling and punctuation errors, and your bizarre use of capital letters. The idea of a "rouge" agent is an amusing one but I assume you mean "rogue" - once is fine, but consistent poor spelling only distracts your readers. IA shame, because normally there's not much I enjoy more than a British espionage novel. Let me know when you've got it fixed, because I'd love to read more.

Brian:
Comes off sounding like a setup for a bad joke, but it actually makes for an interesting intersection of very unlikely worlds. I also enjoy tight dialogue, which you have here.
Best of luck with this.
Peace,
Christian Piatt
PULLING THE GOALIE

Well well this is exciting and well written. Quite a match of characters that come to life with super dialogue and intrigue.
Happy to read this one.

Backed (hope it did)

I do like what I have read to date and I do like your use of the narrative voice. You have crafted a most interesting storyline and a rich cast of characters. Your descriptive writing makes your thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Screwed

Brian Daunter

Nice mix of characters - a university lecturer; a deregistered dentist and a gay ex-priest, ex-prisoner who become unknowingly selected and conditioned to be involved in murder. Nazi Cartel, KGB, Trojan Gold and Diamonds from South Africa to look forward to as well - quite a complex and exciting plot Brian. Backed this ages ago as I loved your storyline as gleaned from your pitches and only recently was able to read some. Lots of intrigue here and the writing is good. All the best with it.

"To my mind the skipper looked like a piece of pelican shit with a beard." That's a fairly decent descriptive passage; at least, it sets the setting. What happens from there is chaos and madness. The Brick Shit House's boat is cut in two, a fire ensues, an explosion occurs, and off in a life raft the protagonist and his wife go with a bottle of Chardonnay. Later, it appears that no fire occurred. Hmmm . . . I have to return and find our what's happening. Backed for now.

Unlike Rebecca, I am prepared to make a few comments. So let’s see…

Short pitch: What’s the semi colon doing there when a comma would suffice? And what’s ‘conditioned/trained’ doing there, apart from making the pitch particularly awkward to read? Choose one or the other!

Long pitch: ‘Adventure-escapism’? Again, choose one or the other! ‘The Nazi Cartel’? Is this an historical thriller? You really need to make this clear earlier - in your short pitch, in fact. ‘Rouge agents’? Let me guess - they sell Avon products! The second- and third-last sentences are both missing the required question marks. ‘Trojan Gold and Diamonds’? Is this a company name? And how can it be 'made explosive'?

By this stage an editor would have thrown up his hands in despair and wouldn’t be wasting any more of his time. But I’m going to persist just a bit more…

Ch. 1 – ‘Prelude I.’ Is there a Prelude II? (Skims down page, then checks next chapter – no, apparently not.) Your first chapter suggests that the Northern Controller’s name is ‘London’. ‘Smoke-glass’? Do you mean ‘smoked glass’? ‘…his own personal’ sounds a little tautological. Why are ‘Today’ and ‘Urgent’ capitalised? If you’re trying to emphasise them, surely you have access to italics?

Just glanced down at the way the text changes colour for no apparent reason. And then I gave up.

You may think that an editor will be able to see through all the sloppy proofing of this, to the presumed brilliance beneath it. But believe me, they will not work that hard. You *badly* need to get this copy-edited, so it at least looks professional and readable.

Good luck! – S.

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Chapter one--which includes prelude.
Very good. Can sense a building of the main characters. I really like Margo--great name for a tough chick. Two slight nitpicks--brother married late but young. That really threw me for a minute. Probably need to say brother married late but to a much younger woman.
Margo followed NC--why. I think something of a relational statement might strengthen this--she adored him, thought her uncle was way cool-clever, exciting???? I know you say she envied his lifestyle--but to really catch us readers I think something with emotion would strenghthen.
This is as good and compelling as I hoped it would be...off to read chapter two...but will only comment if I see any nitpicks again!
Best to you, Barbara

Battle Knyght:


"Silent Storm" is a totally different story, with a totally different message.

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

#3 backed :)

The pitch for Time Bandit 1 didn't manage to give me a clear picture of the main characters or the narrative direction; it needs simplification and focus on key events and characters. The early chapters of the book are likewise difficult to follow, with a staccato style, fragmented narrative and too much telling rather than showing by means of actions. Dialogue is somewhat unnatural [try reading it out loud?] and the characters need to be defined more vividly. A thorough overall proof read for grammar, punctuation and spelling is also essential.
Having said all that, I think there is a good story waiting to be told - good luck with knocking it into shape.