Silent Whispers

Michelle
I don't think I've ever read anything quite like this.
Just put you on my 'read entire upload' list. ;-)
Shelved with pleasure
David
Green Ore

Hi Michelle,

This is not my usual genre - I should say the alien aspect LOL. But I loved it.

You have a great YA voice, and having four children, I've read and had read to me and had to find NUMEROUS books that would hopefully engage my children who all at one point were reluctant readers now turned rabid.

The pace is great, and your word usage is excellent. This is one I'll definitly let my 14 yr old have a peek at and see what her initial reaction is.

Shelved - and I'll come back to let you know what she thinks.

Best~
Candi Wall
(What She was Missing)

Hi Michelle

An action-packed tale with imagination, perfectly suited to YA. You seem to know your target market's tastes and I think this will do real well.

Rightly shelved.

All the best further
Elaina

Hi! I’m adding your book to my watch list to check out tomorrow (I’m off to bed now!).
I also write YA and would appreciate if you could check out my book LOVE IN THE FAMILY.
Cheers!

Superb plot! Very well written and polished = BACKED 100% Chill factor!

Liz
The Cheech Room

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.

There you are.

BACKED

Hope you reciprocate.

If you end up leaving a comment that adds value to Dream Diamond, I will return to your book and give it a thorough read and comment.

Backed once. Will back again. Good read.
Jenny

A fine piece of work. Don't give up the fight and you'll make it. Now watch me give you lots of points back just to encourage you to keep on trying. I'll bet you go from 499 to 491. Lets see.

Hi Michelle, I was taking, like taylor, straight into the action. I like the way the reader discovers what is going on in bits and pieces just like your main character, its really well done. There is a lot of open ended questions which is great as it makes me want to read on, a must for any book. Its on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

This is quite compelling, I love the description of the creature at the beginning, and then the idea of the golden sphere with the key is very creative. I liked Taylor and felt she was quite spunky. The pace is fast which engages the reader and the mystery behind makes you want to read on. I will not comment on the editing as I am still learning. A good entertaining read and shelved.

ww Lisa (A fine line)

Shell, I've read the first three chapters. Taylor is a nicely-drawn character, a very realistic seventeen-year-old who I felt sympathetic to at once. The book has a great start, putting the reader as off-balance as poor Taylor is!

From what I've read, and from your pitch, you have a good plot here, with lots of fascinating details. Your characters are good, too, especially the terminally angry Kat!

You've said you want honest comments, so I'll also say what I think *isn't* there yet in your writing (and remember, I'm just another unpublished writer, so feel free to ignore me). There are quite a few typos and grammar issues. And there are sentences that don't read as smoothly as they should. Here's something I've found hugely useful with my own work: read it aloud. For example, there's a section where you have "earlier that day" in two sentences one after the other - reading aloud shows that sort of thing up really well, I've found.

I really like your ideas and characters, and hope you'll continue with your writing.

Shelved.

A very unique story. It starts off with an interesting plot. I think you have a good narrative voice and a creative story telling ability.

Some things I noted that could be fixed. Spelling and grammar errors.

“Meeting spot of for the end of the year party” - for or of. Pick one or the other.

“Would she die a must horrible death?” -most

Several sentences need syntax work. I have revised them below but they have changed so little that you should be able to find them in the first chapter.

“Maddy would have called for help or rescued her if she had heard.”

“The horrible part was the monsters glowing, blood red eyes which was disturbing to see on any animal”

Short snappy paragraphs and tight writing, I love it. 'Taylor' made for your young adult audience.

Backed with pleasure. No need for you sending me your first chapter, I'm impressed, quality writing Shell.

Bob x

Short snappy paragraphs and tight writing, I love it. 'Taylor' made for your young adult audience.

Backed with pleasure. No need for you sending me your first chapter, I'm impressed, quality writing Shell.

Bob x

This is an interesting idea - maybe better suited to the Young Adult genre, which I notice you haven't classified this as. Seeing as your protagonist is 17, it might fit better in YA than adult fiction.
Your pitch needs an edit - "dispair" should be despair, "desctruction" should be destruction. Get hold of a good dictionary and a copy of 'Eats, Shoots and Leaves' by Lynne Truss, which is funny and tells you about grammar (I have it on my desk all the time.)

Read ch1.
Another book I am surprised and pleased to have found.
I felt the initial creature meet was a lttle muddled, but the book developed well from that.

Well done and best of luck

JanB
Table for One

Hi Shell, Mysterious and the tone drew me on. I like how it starts out like a teenage intrigue – I couldn’t figure out how Kat and Fox could keep Taylor and why she didn’t scream and yell, as Fox said. It seems as if Taylor is drawn in and then at the compound.
There are words skipped and some proofreading needed such as in Chapter 3 with the paragraph, ““Do you remember dear,I asked you if the key drawn blood or stung you?”
It seems like an allegory for peer relations and that’s why I kept reading. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Great story. Suggest you read through. I have often been told the first line should always be perfect, yours isn't.
Sorry to be picky 'our plant Earth' should read 'our planet Earth' surely.

I'm constantly editing mine, I wonder if you ever look back on yours?
Regards
Melxx
Impeding Justice.

Great story. Suggest you read through. I have often been told the first line should always be perfect, yours isn't.
Sorry to be picky 'our plant Earth' should read 'our planet Earth' surely.

I'm constantly editing mine, I wonder if you ever look back on yours?
Regards
Melxx
Impeding Justice.

Great story. Suggest you read through. I have often been told the first line should always be perfect, yours isn't.
Sorry to be picky 'our plant Earth' should read 'our planet Earth' surely.

I'm constantly editing mine, I wonder if you ever look back on yours?
Regards
Melxx
Impeding Justice.

Hi!

Good story so far! I love alien stories and it seems like we could even like some of these aliens.
I think you need more information inbetween paragraphs. You have great descriptions, but it feels like sometimes something is missing. I don't know why I can't put my finger on it.
I know my daughter would love this story. She's an alien fan.
Good luck!
SD Gillen

-The Silent Whispers-

Hi Michelle,
On the premise and plot: great idea and refreshing approach to the topic of alien abduction. I like your characters, especially Taylor. It's good to have a strong, likeable MC.

However, on the mechanics, such as punctuation, grammar, and sentence structure, your manuscript needs a lot of work. I recommend finding a good proofreader to help you clean up the text. It's difficult to read, difficult to know who is talking, and in some places, difficult to understand your meaning. Please do NOT be discouraged as all of this stuff can be fixed!

There are some authors on the authonomy site that are willing to do some basic editing--you'll have to look at their bios. You might even consider taking a basic college-level grammar class or even a writing class. I'm not suggesting this to be critical. However, if you have dreams, as we all do, of being published, a literary agent or publisher will not consider this manuscript in the shape it is currently in. But again, it can be fixed!

On the whole, your writing voice is strong, you have a natural talent for building suspense, and I can feel that your heart is in this! Those are the essential elements that make a great writer, so don't give up!

I'm with you on the four kids, although mine are grown now. But, I still remember! Lol. Great luck with this and to your writing career. On my shelf with pleasure!

Jambi

The Silent Whispers
Michelle McCabe Carter

Michelle,
I love stories about aliens - the idea of intelligence from other worlds not only existing, but interacting with us humans is so fascinating. I was happy to have exchanged reads with you. Thanks! I found that you wrote with a deep understanding of teenagers/young adults and what their essential characters/traits are like at this age, the contrast between Kat and Taylor typical (even if Kat might not be human – not sure yet as I only had time to read three chapters so far).
I found your MC Taylor to be a likeable, sensitive sort of personality, perceptive, plainspoken and easy to identify with.
Your preface describes a scene where a neighbour, Alice sees seventeen year old Taylor, the Miller girl, being shoved into the back seat of a car. She is disturbed by this but her Husband George convinces her that since Taylor was seen with teenagers, that it was simply typical teenage behaviour and she has no cause for concern. She looks through her window again and her worry about the incident dissolves.
In Ch 1 we see Kat and Fox, brother and sister who are Taylor’s abductors as they make a routine gas station stop, the bathroom scene where Taylor now fully realises her predicament, and then the return to the car – they have driven for a long time and understandably Taylor wants to go home.
They go to the Lazy Inn for the night, with a stop at Mom and Pop drive-through for food. Taylor quickly realises that Kat was the one who wore the pants – and it’s obvious to her that Kat doesn’t like her.
In the black, darkly tinted car, Kat is fiddling with the key with the gold sphere containing odd inscriptions – she had found it accidentally the day before. Fox retrieves it from her and places a gold chain though it. He drops it in Taylor’s hand – she is to wear it because her life depended on it, and Fox says that “Grandmother” would explain the situation to her later. Here you made me wonder who this "Grandmother" character was with a hint that something was not quite right with this particular grandmother for she is mixed up in a kidnapping.
Chupacabra is mentioned here – he seems to be a mean character. Luckily they’ve outrun him – he is after Taylor and she will be dead if he finds her. Also, we learn that Kagar is a horrible man, was also out for Taylor’s blood, but why? We don’t know yet and must read on to find out.
In Ch 2 in the crummy, smelly hotel room, we see Taylor pleading with them to let her go – her dad is a lawyer and she’ll explain they didn’t mean to abduct her, that it was just on account of the globe she had found. This plea gets her no where.
We learn that Kagar is Fox’s uncle – a revelation here, but why does he want to kill Taylor? Mystery and suspense are built.
They soon leave the hotel in the midst of an action-packed shooting scene as they all run to the car. Taylor notices Fox is “hit” but Kat says it’s just a scratch. We wonder why his sister isn’t more concerned ane there is a sense of something really odd about these two siblings.
There is a small hint of possible romance before the close of the chapter between Fox and Taylor so we’ll see how that develops later on.
The drive comes to an end when they arrive at a grand building nestled at the end of a long steep mountain road. They enter, and Fox says to Grandmother, called Grace, that they’ve got the key. Grandmother appears nice, but her Husband Altair assumes a statue-like figure. Good contrast.
Fox then desires to take Taylor to see the horses, but Taylor wants to go home. She is led to her room. Kat comes to take her to dinner – there is a nasty scene here and Taylor reminds her she has a home to go to. At dinnertime Taylor sits next to grandmother, who is affectionate towards her, and later goes with Fox to see the horses. There is a flawless white horse there who looks too perfect, and one is on the alert that something is amiss with the horse. Afterwards, poor Taylor is locked up again in her bedroom.
In chapter three, on the third day of her abduction, she is taken to the conference room – more details of why she was there are given in an interesting conversation – and she knows now for certain, that she must wear the key to keep alive.
Michelle I enjoyed your storyline and thought you developed your plot well so far. It is interesting and I think many young people, especially teenagers and young adults, will enjoy reading this. I think with a good edit and perhaps a little restructuring of some of the sentences, the read would flow more smoothly (I need to get my act together and do this with mine too – unending this refining really…).
Wishing you every success Michelle,
Zan

The Silent Whispers...

Came to read because of your POV question in the forum. I've read your first two chapters.

Here's the allegedly winning formula for your pitch:
1. Who is your protagonist?
2. What does she want?
3. what obstacles does she encounter during the story? (your pitch has a lot of set-up, better to pick three important things that happen during the story)
4. a hint about resolution.

I love this kind of story, BTW. I agree that your pitch is confusing in places, but nevertheless, it was good enough to draw me into the story.

There are some good articles on the Internet about POV (just google), but from your first two chapters, I don't think there's any confusion, but that's just me.

What I do see is a natural born story teller. Yes, there are punctuation mistakes and some awkward wordings, but you've got a great feeling for how to create scenes, for stimulus and response, and for weaving in emotions, etc. A great book for the picky stuff is Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King. I found it really helpful way back when, and I continue to refer to it now and then.

I really encourage you to keep on writing. Not everyone is a born storyteller--all you have to do is to learn how to tell your story better by studying the tools that writers use to strengthen their writing. Also, it's a good idea to study other really good writers to see if you can figure out how they create certain effects. It's a never-ending journey, but it's so damn much fun.

I love your premise (love Taken, Cocoon, ET, etc.) and I think that if you keep on with this story, you could really have something here--I can imagine the movie.

Cheers,
Sheryl
P.S. Don't read mine; read Tnuth (with an 'n') by C.P. Hoff--rich characterizations and dialogue that shines on the page.

Hi Michelle, this is certainly full of intrigue and just the stuff the YA market thriller/sci fi market is keen on right now. However, unlike some people I found your pitch rather hard to understand. And if the pitch doesn't make any sense,the publisher is likely to assume that the rest of the book is going to be kind of confusing too. I think it may be the way your kept on about humans and aliens - one minute they're teenagers claiming to be human - I would have thought teenagers were human - so if they're aliens, wouldn't they be called something else? No-one expects to be kidnapped, let alone by aliens. That line is fine, but then you say, 'not aliens, they claimed to be human like her' - so if they are not aliens, what are they? And if they claim to be humans, this implies they aren't human and therefore something alien? Do you see- one minute they're alien, then they're not!
Sorry to go on about it, but it could do with some tightening up.
Otherwise, usual editing nits as below, and the writing is generally OK. I didn't quite get the hang of the POV changes, but think it's an interesting idea. All in all a promising plot and good read for the YA market, so shelved for potential.

Silent Whispers

I had to read far enough to see where the aliens come in and I'm glad I did. This is a good book for kids--full of mystery and adventure with not too much danger thrown in. If this were geared toward adults, I'd say maybe you need to add more fear on the the part of Taylor but for kids it's not neary as important to emphasize that.

One thought--maybe instead of a second person prologue from the pov of two people we'll never see again, use the scene where Taylor finds the globe?

Read it aloud--you'll catch rhythm hiccups and other things that sound rocky when read slowly. And be prepared to do a good edit for punctuation and grammer. i.e. You have their that should be there in ch 3.

Good story--YA readers should love this. It's good but take your time and get it really good. -Brad

You say this is your first attempt. You have an interesting story here I think. It just needs work on it, to sharpen it up a bit. You start right in the action, which is good and I like. You don't introduce too many characters at the beginning, which again is good, and you take time to try to draw them well for us so that we can get a bit of their motivation, but keep some of the mystery as to why Taylor is in this situation. Your pitch gives it away a little, of course, but you have to do that to tempt us to read.

Your narrative does indeed need some work, and maybe reading aloud so that you can hear how it sounds? I always do that with mine, regardless of whether they are meant to be read aloud or not. One thing I look out for is lack of contractions, which when used make dialogue and some narrative, sound more natural. It often depends on from whose point of view the narrative is being told, and in your case, as it is from a young girl's POV, you should use contractions to get her voice.

I found a fair few typos, mistakes etc, but a good edit will iron these out easily.

Para 1, it should be 'witnesses' as it is a plural not a possessive.
Commas need taking out in places as they are definitely sometimes oddly placed. A comma comes where you take a breath, frequently, but don't need to end the sentence. Again, reading aloud will tell you better where to put them. Get someone you trust to listen to it read aloud, and maybe make a conribution of their opinion.

There is always something to say about every book, as none of us would have written Dickens quite the way he wrote it, would we? We could always change a bit if we look!

Hope this is helpful. I am giving it a spin on my shelf.
Flicka (The Midwinter Child)

Well written, slick and enjoyable. Great premise too. One niggle at the start of chapter three; you say the building was like a penitentiary, but didnt look like any prison seen before... may 'didnt look' isnt the right way of putting it? It sounds to me like youre saying, it looked like a prison, but didnt. Not sure. I'll let you think it over.
In the meantime, a quick spell on my shelf should do the trick.

Andrew

I think the premise is good. There's also an obvious distinction in character personality.

As an English teacher, there were a few things grammatically that made it hard to read. One was stumbling across "your" when it should have been "you're" (pet peeve of mine, sorry). Sometimes those are hard to catch -- especially if you do too much reading online these days, but if "you are" will work in the sentence, use "you're" and if it's possessive, use "your." The other thing was the commas and semi-colons. Some of them seemed to be in strange places and slowed down my reading.

The shift from third to first could work well, especially for a YA market. Just make sure it sounds like the character telling the story, including any emotional outbursts, etc.

You definitely have a good idea. It just needs to be cleaned up a bit (and you seem to be aware of this).

Good luck and hope this is somewhat helpful (if not, my excuse is that it's after midnight here).

Neliza Drew
(Burning for Burning)

Hi Michelle. I read all the chapters on offer though I must say you nearly lost me on the first chapter, it was a bit confusing. I skipped through most of it and went straight into chapter 2, then I got hooked. The relationship developing between Taylor and Fox is nice and building. The flicking between I and She is a little off putting. I would love to read more as the story shows alot of promise. I have backed and will watch for more chapters.
All the best
Leigh

You kind of caught me between revising my book. I think you have some really insightfull words for me. I hope that once the transition gets finished from 3rd to 1st person you can take a peek back at my book.

Unusual premise. I’d encourage you to craft a strong opening to your story. Make it so compelling that people can’t put it down.

Chapter 1

If you’re writing from the perspective of a teenage girl, I think you need always focus on having conversational language. I don’t know many young people who use the word “whom” even if it is grammatically correct. More slang, shorter sentences, even less complication in the writing.

Also, I need to feel more of the emotions. I cried a lot yesterday shows me some. But maybe it’s the way she’s writing that seems so descriptive when she’s been abducted. I would think she’d have more feelings of fear, disbelief, anger, sadness. These don’t come out.

I’d get rid of the journal entry all together. Think of the most dramatic way to start. She’s being abducted. Let us see, experience that scene.

Chapter 2
I like this approach better than the journal of the teenage girl. But I am confused by the italics. Why are parts italicized?

There are parts that I think would benefit from more dialogue rather than the summarizing of the conversation. I’m not sure what it is, but I feel bogged down by the chapter. I keep on reading the points over and over about her not wanting the key. Maybe this is just me.

Nancy
Cycling, Wine and Men

Unusual premise. I’d encourage you to craft a strong opening to your story. Make it so compelling that people can’t put it down.

Chapter 1

If you’re writing from the perspective of a teenage girl, I think you need always focus on having conversational language. I don’t know many young people who use the word “whom” even if it is grammatically correct. More slang, shorter sentences, even less complication in the writing.

Also, I need to feel more of the emotions. I cried a lot yesterday shows me some. But maybe it’s the way she’s writing that seems so descriptive when she’s been abducted. I would think she’d have more feelings of fear, disbelief, anger, sadness. These don’t come out.

I’d get rid of the journal entry all together. Think of the most dramatic way to start. She’s being abducted. Let us see, experience that scene.

Chapter 2
I like this approach better than the journal of the teenage girl. But I am confused by the italics. Why are parts italicized?

There are parts that I think would benefit from more dialogue rather than the summarizing of the conversation. I’m not sure what it is, but I feel bogged down by the chapter. I keep on reading the points over and over about her not wanting the key. Maybe this is just me.

Nancy
Cycling, Wine and Men

Michelle
I don't think I've ever read anything quite like this.
Just put you on my 'read entire upload' list. ;-)
Shelved with pleasure
David
Green Ore

Jumps into action from the start. Whilst this is not a bad thing I usually prefer a bit if background before the mud hits the fan. The writing flows however and carries the reader along with ease from one chapter into the next. Not usually my genre but a worthwhile read all the same..
Frank

Aside from hating the formatting...all those gaps...ugh. I really like the abducted by alien's twist. I think sometimes we (adults writing for young adults) tend to try and dumb down our prose or simplify our ideas because we think our audience demands it. I work in education, dealing with 14 to 18 year old kids every day and most often find what they need is not talked down to, but 'gently challenged'.
You strike a very good balance between simple accessability and a good challenging read. You need a bit of an edit...but I seldom see books here that couldn't do with a spot of the red pen of doom!
When my bookshelf yealds up a space...and it will be soon...you will have a spot there

Hi Michelle, I really enjoyed the first chapter of your book and intend to get back to it. It was easy reading and I was really drawn in. There were a few repeats that you might want to look at, namely your description of the black curls. For me the first discription was enough, it gave me a clear picture. You read my first chapter and found it engaging, hope you found the other chapters engaging as well... I backed your book.
Renate

A chupacabra in St George Utah? I must call my mother and tell her to stay in at night. You have a great start here and I hope you post more.
Shelved.

When I first read your pitch I backed this story and have now found the time to read it.
I like sci-fi and I think this is just right for young people who have started to take an interest in the genre. This is well written and moves at a hectic pace as it scares the life out of the poor girl. Good luck with your great book.

Tony
Life Bringer

Hi Michelle - there is tension the sucks us into this story. I'm curious about many things as I read - what attacked her? Who saves her? What are there plans? As I finish the first chapter and read the blurb, I get a feel for what is going on - what what is the spray they hit her with? Lots of hooks make me interested to read more. There are typos - and I'll send you a message to help fix them - but they are easy to fix and my no means take away from the interesting story you have here. Shelved.

Wow a great start, intriguing and hooking.

Just a few little things I found....

Use of the work pavement twice in the first paragraph.

Sentence - as they pulled (her) to a standing - her missing?

You use ' ' around text - is this Taylor thinking? If so to avoid confusion perhaps you could use italics or perhaps add a tag because I found it a little confusing.

Sentence - This is to be her friend Maddy's doing - this didn't sound right, knew what you meant perhaps This would have to be her friend Maddy's doing or something like that.

Aside from these small things and an edit your story is unique and imaginative and I look forward to reading about the emerging romance.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

I backed your book last Sunday and just now getting around to commenting on it. Apologize for the delay. Read your first posted chapter. I'm not for this genre but you do have great writing capability. The pacing is spot in and the characters are believeable.

But the pitches? I'm not a fan of either. Think both pitches could use some work. They are used to sell the casual reader driving by. SELL them as to why you need to read your story. Check out mine as examples of that.

Again, I did back you last week. I do look forward to your comments on my book if you have not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

I'm really enjoying this so far. The intrigue is set up very quickly, and I have to keep reading to find out what's going on. The pace is good, the dialog natural.

I have a few suggestions to help make the wording flow better and to remove mental roadblocks:
"Her hands took most of the impact" instead of: "Her hands had been able to take most of the impact." This will help with the flow of the sentence.

Also, remove the word "had" from the following sentences:
"but her forehead had smacked the sidewalk."
"She had thought it was someone bumping into her."
"No one had spoken to her, or checked to see if she was okay."

Remove "the" in this sentence: "A horrible-reeking animal sat atop her, the placing increasing pressure"

Add a comma:
"She trembled(,) waiting, for the creature to strike."
"Small and clean(,) it smelled like a new car."

This is a great story, and I LOVE the premise. Excited to see what will happen with it. :-)

Backed.
Andrea
The Key of Kilenya

Hi Michelle,

This is not my usual genre - I should say the alien aspect LOL. But I loved it.

You have a great YA voice, and having four children, I've read and had read to me and had to find NUMEROUS books that would hopefully engage my children who all at one point were reluctant readers now turned rabid.

The pace is great, and your word usage is excellent. This is one I'll definitly let my 14 yr old have a peek at and see what her initial reaction is.

Shelved - and I'll come back to let you know what she thinks.

Best~
Candi Wall
(What She was Missing)

The idea of this novel is intriguing but I found it difficult to read because of the formatting.
There are quiet a few instances where two people talking mixed, there are a lot of missing commas, for instans when someone speaks:
taylor screamed, "blah blah blah." DO you see what I mean?
This is definitly fast paced and entrhralling, well thought out and would be appreciated by the genre it is marketed towards.
This needs an edit inregards to punctuation, grammar and structure. There are things that could be taken out to make it speed along. It is for sure an enjoyable read.
Watch the length of your paragraphs. Standard length is five to ten sentances. You have some pretty long ones that ould be broken up.
This has huge potential. Which I hope is what you are looking to hear, typos and errors can and will be fixed later.
Try reading your chapters out loud, this helps for me, in catching a lot of little things that don't make sense. Like for example the sentence: Dad said to fight and scream it alone was the first thing to do. Confusing!
You also slip from your POV's. First is I and third is her!
that sentence above is first person but you follow it up with third. This is confusing. If it is a thought, then it only needs to be itallicized.
Backing it for the idea and potential.
T.L Tyson-SEeking Eleanor

I just read the one chapter but enjoyed it. Though I do think you need to read through thid for typos. I also think you need to look at the way you have formatted the speach between characters. It's a little confusing having more than one character speeking in one paragraph. WLed will come back to it at a later date for another read.

Very interesting chapter, Michelle. Every time someone speaks, start a paragraph, then it will be easier to read. You also repeated a few things...he seems to be about my age is one of them.

Missing commas or words here and there...second sentence....trembling, the fear hiding my voice...or is it, trembling WITH fear, hiding my voice....

His presence WAS odd...

Her friends WERE waiting for her....


What is the CAN in the sentence...you'd better get the can, just in case. It sure sent her panicking.

you're also mixing first person point of view (POV) with third. "you'd better let me out," my voice trembled...

Also, only italize her thoughts when they;re in present tense, not past tense.

I hope this helped.

Ednah (The Nephilim Awakening)

Hi Michelle.

You have a great premise and the story has a lot of potential. Your account of Taylor's kidnapping was tense and exciting, her initial anger and then fear and confusion were well portrayed.

It's the writing which needs some work. Starting with the pitch, and especially the short pitch, you should try for a snappy strapline, something like: No one expects to be kidnapped by aliens, let alone fall in love with one...etc.
When your story starts, I would cut the preface as it is the same as your long pitch. Just go straight into the story. The alien landing on Taylor's back and throwing her to the ground is an excellent way to start a book.
But you need to focus on tightening the writing. You have a few structural issues in that you often miss words out. For example: 'Her friends waiting on the other side' should be 'Her friends *were* waiting.
'Large almost like a bear..' should be *It was* large (comma) almost like a bear.'
Also you need to review your use of commas. For example: 'The struggle against ancient convictions,..' cut the comma. And here: '...fear of the past,...' cut the comma.
Adverbs, too, could be pruned. You say Fox 'turned slightly...looking her over slowly..'. Both 'slightly' and 'slowly' could be cut without affecting the story.
Italics: if you are going to use italics for Taylor's thoughts then they must be her *actual* thoughts. 'No one is going to hear that. She needed to yell louder.' should be 'No one is going to hear that. I must yell louder.'
And Taylor's thought that 'Fox was a bizarre name', my thought was that it could have been a surname, in which case it wasn't bizarre at all.

Michelle, I really hope these comments don't sound too negative. What you have here shows much potential and I think that if you can polish it up, it'll be a very readable book. I certainly wish you all the best with it.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

Very Cool! The mysterious air of the story and the clarity of your writing style let the reader know you have a direction that will not allow them to feel lost, but enthralled to read more. However, careful of repetition, such as the double use of book bag in chapter one and the unneeded internal dialogue in some sections that only restates what you just said in narration. Besides that I have liked what I have read and very happy to back. Good luck with this. Later days.
Love and Fear: The Diary of Oliver Lee
Kenny

Michelle

Yes you have a great story....And we all have a different writing voice...I think you would benefit by reading your chapters out loud, we do this in my writers club.....

I read your opening paragraph chapter one out loud....

I'd change a few bits

The impact sent Taylor crashing face down to the pavement......
Something sat on top of her, as the weight shifted , the pressure increased.
She trembled with fear -
A snarl filled the air
She swallowed a lump of panic
'Help' she managed, ineffectually.....

I didn't see her lying face down having just looked at the sun, and flying wasn't the right motion to me.....trembling fear fought against her !!!! If you read that aloud, you wouldn't be happy with it, because we dont speak like that.....Also you say, a snarl was uttered.....wrong adjective.....

You have the characters, the plot and the storyline so all the hard bits are in place......You just have to jiggle the words a bit...... That's not to say it;s wrong as it is, but you did ask for opinions on how to improve....

All the best with this, I think the reading aloud excersize will work wonders.....

Backed....

You have a good sense of your target audience. The main character is both realistically afraid of her assailants, but engagingly feisty and relatively level-headed-- a good main character for teen girls.
The choppy sentences help maintain the frenetic tone of the action, but in some places they are a little much-- you might want to give the reader a breather with some longer sentences. I'd also recommend getting someone to line-edit your work and check for typos, passive sentences, and grammar issues. I found this *extremely( helpful for my own novel (since having my very detail-oriented friend read it over and attack it with a red pen, I've ceased to get comments about my grammar and spelling failures!).

WOW! What a good read.
KC
The Mysterious Legend of Vladimir

WOW! What a good read.
KC
The Mysterious Legend of Vladimir

WOW! What a good read.
KC
The Mysterious Legend of Vladimir