Tales Of the Arter Gems : The Chosen One

Dear Mario,

TALES OF THE ARTER GEMS: THE CHOSEN ONE.

A cleverly imaginative story that will appeal highly to fantasy fans and younger readers in particular – great plot, strong and distinct voice, and very good characterisation in Syra, with a little editing, this can go a long way.

My rating: 5 stars.

There’s an apparent inconsistency given the adult classification, tag words warning of graphic violence and the presence of a teenage protagonist and supporting character, which is essentially the hallmark of YA fiction.
From what I’ve read so far, I haven’t come across any mature content. Therefore, I guess a universal classification and other necessary changes may help you broaden your audience.

Best regards,
AGC

I am halfway through thje second book which is entitled 'Tales of the Arter Gems: lol i ain't going to say yet but i'm up to page 88 and Syra and her companions are forced to split into two parties to cover more ground... i'm also (on my one hour train on the way to work) writing a prequel set t15 years before 'the chosen one' when Syra was only 3....

Awesome as!!! But it ran out :'(. Just as I was really getting into it!

Mario,
Tales of the Arter Gems: The Chosen One has great appeal to a young adult who can identify with Syra's point of view. I enjoyed reading the first chapter as it was like having someone's private thoughts relayed while she's going through a bizarre experience which will lead her into another world. She has a youthful perspective which is appropriate for the fantasy genre as it appeals to young readers who can imagine themselves away to another world created by a very imaginative author. Backed with pleasure.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Dear Mario,

TALES OF THE ARTER GEMS: THE CHOSEN ONE.

A cleverly imaginative story that will appeal highly to fantasy fans and younger readers in particular – great plot, strong and distinct voice, and very good characterisation in Syra, with a little editing, this can go a long way.

My rating: 5 stars.

There’s an apparent inconsistency given the adult classification, tag words warning of graphic violence and the presence of a teenage protagonist and supporting character, which is essentially the hallmark of YA fiction.
From what I’ve read so far, I haven’t come across any mature content. Therefore, I guess a universal classification and other necessary changes may help you broaden your audience.

Best regards,
AGC

Cheers for all the comments. 2012 will be my year to publish this book, on my own. thank you for your ongoing support, everyone

Oh my gosh I am totally hooked!

Hi Mario
I enjoyed reading this - you have the makings of a good story - a good protagonist in young Syra and a nice premise with this odd new world and experience she is going through. I like your voice - it's very matter of fact and honest feeling. I loved the bit where she's told her eyes will turn white when there's danger - laughed out loud at that bit. I think the flow would be improved with a bit of editing - but that's an easy fix. Also - the last block of text could do with some para breaks to split it up a bit. Otherwise a great start to your story - I've starred and put it on my watchlist to read more as it goes. Good work Mario.
Derek
The Angel Chord

oh man marz you should of put more chapters on you left me hanging. so sign me up for your book when you finally get it published okay its not fair not to know the end. I want to know what happens to syra.

Intended to read just the first chapter tonight. Nek minnit.... Lol bloody amazing. Got so into it. Am dying for you to upload the rest! Hurry up. I want to know what happens to Syra. I don't normally read these kind of books at all. To be honest I thought they were kind of silly. This has completely changed my mind. Great read.

Intended to read just the first chapter tonight. Nek minnit.... Lol bloody amazing. Got so into it. Am dying for you to upload the rest! Hurry up. I want to know what happens to Syra. I don't normally read these kind of books at all. To be honest I thought they were kind of silly. This has completely changed my mind. Great read.

Very imaginative and ideal for the young reader.
There is quite a bit of editing to be done. Paragraphs could do with shortening, and personally I think the dialogue should be seperated from the rest of the text ( but that's up to you). This will make much easier and more comfortable reading, especially for younger readers.
Great storyline, well written with strong characters. With a bit of editing this should do very well.
5 stars Junetee(Four Corners

This is a fun fantasy romp with mega imagination and I like it!! I'm just a "reader" so that's all I've got. :)
Peace,
Z

I am halfway through thje second book which is entitled 'Tales of the Arter Gems: lol i ain't going to say yet but i'm up to page 88 and Syra and her companions are forced to split into two parties to cover more ground... i'm also (on my one hour train on the way to work) writing a prequel set t15 years before 'the chosen one' when Syra was only 3....

Brilliant!!! Where can I get the rest of it????

Brilliant!!! Where can I get the rest of it????

Mario,
Tales of the Arter Gems: The Chosen One has great appeal to a young adult who can identify with Syra's point of view. I enjoyed reading the first chapter as it was like having someone's private thoughts relayed while she's going through a bizarre experience which will lead her into another world. She has a youthful perspective which is appropriate for the fantasy genre as it appeals to young readers who can imagine themselves away to another world created by a very imaginative author. Backed with pleasure.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An intriguing start. A sympathetic main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'It smells like everyone on the bus hadn't showered in a week..' Remove one of the periods after 'week.'
2) 'GROSS!!!" No need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics to emphasize words. There are more cases where you write in all caps. Also, when using exclamation marks, only use one mark. Using more marks is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with three exclamation marks. You don't want that.
3) 'Aaaahhh' I said. Comma after 'aaaahhh.' 'I said' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). There are more cases of this type of problem.
4) 'I had class at 9am sharp.' '9am' should be '9 a.m.' or, better yet, 'nine a.m.' There are more cases of this type of problem.
5) 'The fact that the only university mum allowed me to attend was this one, you know why?' Capitalize 'mum.' In this context,'mum' is a proper noun and should be capitalized.
6) "Don be scared child, it's only a blood test." Comma after 'scared.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases where you have addressed someone in dialogue and haven't offset their name or title with commas.
7) I replied trembling "what's all the faint screaming for?" Comma after 'trembling' and 'what's' should be capitalized. 'I replied trembling' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag precedes dialogue the dialogue tag is punctuated with a comma and the first word of dialogue is capitalized. There are more cases of this type of problem.
8) " ... your driving me up the wall," Your (possessive pronoun) should be you're (contraction for you are).
9) 'And as she said that, the symbol glowed a neon blue, the disappeared?! The second 'the' should be 'then.'
10) ' ... 75% of the students looked like heartless drones.' Spell out numbers 1-99.
11) 'The texture of it's skin was a similar texture to ... ' It's (contraction for it is) should be its (possessive pronoun). There are more cases where it's should be its.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a sensational day.

Al

Good stuff not something I would read normally but I'm hooked now

ooo i am really looking forward to the next chapter :)

wow dude, that's a good read... can't wait to read more aye. Keep writing, it's enjoyable to read dude, good on ya, go hard!! hope to be reading more soon :)

BRO THATS SKUXX! I thawt it was really good. Better than most ive eva read. Roadtrip on way 2 publish

very good book. not normally my kind of a read but i really got into it and would love to read more and see this book published

Phenomenal Story, i can not wait to read the rest

gutted it ran out, was really getting into it!! syra is awesome and i cant wait to read more!

Awesome as!!! But it ran out :'(. Just as I was really getting into it!

Unbelievable!! It is such an amaizing story and that idea of yours, to create all this features.. I so got into your story mate and I can't wait to read it all. It sound like a lifesrtory of a human being presented in a ilusional world. Totaly admire your work and creation, and hope to see the rest of it soon. Awesome work Mario

Unbelievable!! It is such an amaizing story and that idea of yours, to create all this features.. I so got into your story mate and I can't wait to read it all. It sound like a lifesrtory of a human being presented in a ilusional world. Totaly admire your work and creation, and hope to see the rest of it soon. Awesome work Mario

The idea for the story was very good Mairo. But you will have to sort out the Vampire mum part a bit more in detail. Other than that and a little bit of editing Great Read Mairo. (8/10)

The idea for the story was very good Mairo. But you will have to sort out the Vampire mum part a bit more in detail. Other than that and a little bit of editing Great Read Mairo. (8/10)

The ideas behind the story are very interesting indeed, I'm curious to see how this continues. The only trouble I have with it is the paragraphing - and that's only because I'm put off by large blocks of text. I do like Syra a lot though, she's a very likeable and 'real' character!

Mario - I have to give you major kudos for writing a FEMALE main character! With a little cleaning up in the editing department (and good lord, I l know about that!), you have a promising story here to tell. Shelved for developing potential.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

definitely a little gem.. though like all gems this one needs some polish .. get the mixed tenses right .. get rid of the ampersands and pare it back ..

This is a very good beginning of a book. It's one of those books where I would find difficult to put down. I think this book will captivate a wide audience. Can't wait to finish reading this story, I will definitely be keeping an eye out. Great work Mario!!

very good mario it betta than sum of the stephen king books i read it had me on the edge of my seat mean start you owt did ur self

Very interesting premise, Mario! I am looking forward to reading much more of this at my leisure! Great start and well worth a spin on the shelf! This really should be higher and will rise quickly!
Simon (BLACK SHADOWS)