The Last Form

JA: Both pitches are a bit generic. You wanna use the MC's name in both pitches to make it more accessible. Show what the main conflict is in the longer pitch. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Dear Jaform, I love your fantasy because it is an escape into another dimension - like her 6th sense. At the end of chapter 1, "the was a note" probably you meant "there was a note." I was prepared to read your book after reading your recap. Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

This is an interesting story. I liked your main character and the way you're able to get inside his head; his dialogue sounds authentic for a kid (I just read your bio so maybe being closer to his age than me is the reason for that). The premise or the spine of your story is interesting and imaginative. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Wow, great start here. You have imagination and you have a confident way with words.

I'm impressed that you have such a deft hand with dialogue in particular. Having the characters speak to the reader really helps a story come alive and you do this well.

Like all of us there's the odd thing still in this that needs picking up in a read through (you have 'there rooms' in one place, which should be 'their rooms') but this is very good.

You should be looking around for competitions for young writers. I have a feeling this would do well.

Your story moves forward well with tension all the way. If there were one piece of advice I could give you it would be to see if you can in a bit more description. You don't need to describe everything, but a few words about important people or places will help the scenes come to life.

I shall pop this on my shelf. Good luck and stick with the writing, you have talent and imagination.

I like that you are giving us the pronunciation of the names. I can’t tell you how many times I have read a book, only to find out after the movie was made, that I had been pronouncing it wrong all along. I believe you have great content. Your age and abilities do not match…you are far ahead of your time. I will only say that you need to read it aloud. You are blunting some of your sentences. Give them some flowing room. Amazing job. On my shelf.
See you in print,
Charity

What an amazingly creative voice you have. Your skill at telling a story is very clear and strong. I believe that this story will resonate really well with children and young adults. I am really impressed. You should be extremely proud of yourself. The talent is there. And the story is wonderful. Have fun writing it and telling your story. And remember this is YOUR story. Only you can tell it the way that it needs to be told. My advice...KEEP WRITING IT...and when you think of a way to make it even better revise it.

GOING ON MY SHELF!!

Rachel May

The Last Form

Hi,

Welcome to Authonomy, I thought I'd take a peek at your work. You have a great and very vivid imagination and I can see from your profile that you are developing your skills and talents. There is so much happening in this story, so many interesting and intriguing ideas, many of them could be plot ideas all on their own. My advice would be to keep writing, you are working up here to finding your authorial voice, the most important lesson in my writing has been that if you want to be a writer then you have to write. Uploading as you have done will bring comment and support as part of this community. I think you need to look at narrative voice first, your narrator I found quite intrusive, like someone standing next to me as the story unfolded and grabbing me by the chin to direct my attention this way and that, at their behest. The characters are rich and interesting, but there is work to do in the flow of the sentences, try reading it out loud to get an ear for what it sounds like. Keep on writing, you have a great imagination. Best wishes and good luck and if you want to take a peek at my book that would be very helpful.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)