The Legend of Esdraelon: The Forgotten Remnant

Has another week gone by? Well, the weekend is upon us. What a great time to grab a cup of ice tea, comfy chair, and help us noobies get noticed by reading our work. If you are interested in this, please pick a book and let me know what you think. I would appreciate all comments and help . . . blessings, Pam

Opening grabbed my attention. I like a good fantasy and this one set off straight from the start. I like the bit about the seekers and the one all in black, tall in the open court of the king was well described. You set up the character nicely. The rest with A'Kan, Zelek and Acacia was smooth with great feeling, emotion and imagry. I did get confused a bit with the bouncing back and forth. I felt it was a little too much. Maybe put the bits of each character together a bit more and I think you have a hit here. I like the introduction of the owl talking. I can't wait to read more and find out how all these things come together.

On the shelf!

Although at times I got a little lost with the names, I did enjoy this. It feels like you have created a well thought out world, that is entirely believable, thanks to the careful thought you have put into it. I did at times feel this was a little over written and think this could do well with a trim. Mr Booth offers a good example below.
The quality of the writing itself is great; missing words and bad grammer seem few and far between. This has the potential to become a very enjoyable book with a bit of attetion in the right places.

Andrew

Hi Piper,
This is an enjoyable fantasy and I've become very fond of Zelek and Acacia - shelved.

Some thoughts which you can take or leave as you see fit. There's an awful lot going on at the start (king and Seeker) and I think you should either introduce it later or expand it a little. One little thing that irritated was that the king was wasting resources trying to get somewhere "seeing as that no other king had before him had proven successful". How does he know there's anywhere to go? That was a messy phrase btw "as no one had succeeded so far" says the same.

You try too hard with explanations of local culture imo. Don't explain things where they are obvious by context or where the reader is none the wiser when you finish. This slows the story down.

You introduce Zelek for the first time as 'the young brother Ezri' where I would have said 'Zelek' and wouldn't bother with surnames until they are needed. Introducing names is a pain in stories and I try and use dialogue to do it where I can.

Hope that helps

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Hi there - a colourful blend of names, fantasy worlds, kingdoms and splendid images. I liked the image you gave us of the empty waters of the Seeker, and him being "a fathom tall". Your storytelling is tight and there is a feeling that you are tapping into mythical stories, ancient tales, in the way your unfold the narrative. Glad to shelve,

All the best

Pat Black
Snarl

Piper,

Your writing skills are immense, and poetic. You have the capacity for composing an epic novel.

The Last Remnant has the feel of a warm-up for that epic novel you are itching to compose. My feeling from what I've read, is that you could benefit from tightening up the concept in the blueprint stage. One sure-fire way to do that, is to create (or isolate) a main protagonist, and shape the story from that character's point of view. I only suggest this, because from the outset of your story, it is not clear who the protagonist is.

Please bear in mind that, as harshly critical as those comments may come across, the premise of your novel as composed in your pitch was, I thought, highly intriguing. I believe you've got the foundation of an interesting and possibly lucrative franchise in the works.

That said, my feeling is that you should embrace the process of creating a strong outline for your novel, well before you embark upon writing the first draft of it.

I only take the time and risk your wrath in being so candid because I love your writing so much, and so dearly wish you the success I know you deserve.

Shelved, for the obvious sincerity in your effort, and, a rose, to offset the bluntness of my nature...

---------,---'---,---(@

-E

Piper,

It took me a while to get into your story, The Last Remnant. I needed to sink into a place of revelry to enjoy your poetic offering--a story of two brothers on a quest. The brother who cheats on the quest and the one that fulfills the requirements which sound a lot like a Native American vision quest.

Then we meet the beautiful Acacia and her friend Rachel. The feminine touch these women bring to the story contrasts nicely with the brave warrior quests of the brothers. I am guessing Acacia is engaged to the older brother, but loves the younger one, but I could be getting the situation confused.

The telepathic owl adds a spiritual component, that again reminds me of Native Americans.

Once I immersed myself in the flow of this novel, I found myself enjoying the poetry. Towards the beginning of the story, this line caught my eye, "somewhere between a croak of a frog adn the drone of a cicada, he fell fast asleep..." I could easily visualize this scene.

I am not sure I can say more about your novel, except that I am shelving it. I wish you the best with it.

Patricia
All Saints' Day

I enjoyed The Legend of Esraelon, Piper. You have an enticing premise; your characters are interesting and your writing is excellent. All the way through there's an ever present hook in Why King Bel Merodach wants to get to the the Island of Corona. Backed with pleasure - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Great story line. Good characters. (maybe too much info for one chapter? Spit it into two?)

Backed

Jill

You have quite an imagination, Piper. Kudos to you for that. This reads well, although I found myself skipping over some places. Sometimes, less is more and just the main points are necessary to weave a good tale. This work of yours will go far, here on authonomy, I think so I'll gladly help it on its way by giving you my backing. -- Dave

You've created an interesting piece of fiction here. The only thing I question (and this is something I always question, even with myself) is whether it's best to start with expository writing. It often turns out that you need to do a good bit of narration to spare the pacing of the story, but sometimes you can get away with not telling the reader everything at once. It may be something to take a peek at, but you've got something good going on here.

Epic fantasies are hard for me to get into. It is a combination of things, being on a different plain, unusual names, the being lost and not knowing what is going on, is hard for me. I found some of your names and information too much, but I am sure EPIC readers will love it. That said, this is written incredibly well. And though I wouldn't buy it, because epic and high fantasies are not really my cup of tea, I know many people who would.
This is targeted towards those people and I know it would be eaten up.
In the first chapter alone you introduce a number of characters, which is fine, but I didn't identify with any of them. There wasn't one that I was emotionally engaged with, which I find is important early on in a book. I am positive this comes later but the onslaught of information (language, world, sayings, names, tasks, legends) that the reader is hit with is somewhat daunting.
This happens in all fantasies (Ecspecially EPICS-you have a whole freaking world for eff sakes ;)-even mine, I have a info dump in chap eight I am working through), but perhaps breaking up the first chapter would help. Once more I would like to reiterated that this is written INCREDIBLY well, and that you have BUCKETS of TALENT.
Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

The Legend of Esdraelon: The Forgotten Remnant

Hi Piper,

What an epic and detailed piece of fantasy writing, evoking such a strong sense of another place. The premise is fantastically epic, the political details picked out like filigree. The fresh terms, the magical kingdom, it all mulches together to create a very strong piece. Eragon levels of the fantastical, brilliantly sculpted from the segment I read, with an epic quest and some extremely interesting characters. No elves, dwarves either, which is always good, LOTR has kind of done for them in serious fantasy fiction in my mind. My only suggestion would be to get closer to the action more quickly, the epic stuff works but only for a short time, the YA audience will want someone to emotionally engage with quickly, in Eragon we are with him in the first chapter. I wonder if we really need the prologue which is currently doubling as your pitch. But a minor quibble, great work, well done and backed with pleasure.

I would welcome your thoughts on my book.

Best wishes
Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Fantasy stories are love when they are written right...and you've done that very well. A few editing magic tricks here and there and you have a winner on your hands. A well-deserved spot on my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

I like legend based stories and yours is well done. Also like the style in which you've written it, you introduce characters and backstory very well. Glad to shelve and wish you the best of luck with it. Dania

I like legend based stories and yours is well done. Also like the style in which you've written it, you introduce characters and backstory very well. Glad to shelve and wish you the best of luck with it. Dania

Excellent cover, really sticks out. I love the title and the pitch. I love the idea of ancient legends and mysteries. The opening is excellent in explaining what's happening and is very well written. Altogether a very promising adventure. Shelved immediately.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

I thoroughly enjoyed this as did my daughter who helps me out on the YA reads. Great world, definite characters and an entertaining story line. As you know, shelved.

Cheers

rayo

Piper,

A very interesting world you've built here. There's a lot of depth, not only to the culture, but to the characters as well. At some points it skirts dangerously close to info dumping but with world building there's hardly a way around it. Entertaining and intriguing, I'm sure this is going to do phenomenally well here. Shelved.

Best,

Geoffrey
The Woodlanders: Summer Song

The Legend of Esdraelon:

Hi, Piper. Even though I’m not a fan of fantasy, I admire authors with vivid imaginations who are able to write in, what I would think, a difficult genre. Of course, when you love, and are good (like you) at what you do then it’s not so difficult, eh?

As fantasy is way out of my league, where critiquing is concerned, the only suggestion I can offer is to try to close the deep white spaces that show up online. It could be the site, but if not, I’d try to rectify it as it might annoy some readers? There are many fantasy writers on Authonomy, so I'm sure you will have lots of comments from them.
But I must tell you that I did like the ‘owlspeak’ scenes (although ‘deisidaimonesterous’ was a bit of a mouthful!) and I’ll give this a turn on my shelf.

Did I detect a hint of the old Gaelidh in there? ;o)

I wish you all the best with Legend of Esdraelon.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Piper

I'd have backed your profile....ha ha..

A well crafted tale....I could never create an entire civilization, I just dont have the power of imagination that you so easily translate here.

I did find a few bits...

Opening
'after the fact' ....... I'd delete, narration sounded better without it...
'that' no other King.........I'd delete 'that'

negotiations and negotiating,,,,,,,both used in 2 lines....discussions, talks, perhaps in place of one.....
I then stopped looking for the nits, because you have your own writing voice and might not want them point out..and it takes my concentration from the story....

Dialogue is your speciality......I could profile the characters from this alone without narration to back it up....

I'm sure you'll do very well with this......Enjoy your climb up the chart....Would like your view on mine.

Piper,

This is a fully realized and ambitious world you have here. Your writing style made it feel like a legend.

However, I felt your first chapter was a bit long and could be broken into a couple of chapters. This would ease the reader absorb the density of your backstory. You also have verb tense changes in the section on A'kan, from past to present and back again.

Other than those two things, it was a very interesting read.

On my shelf,

ML

This has an ancient feel and I really like that. And it's book one of a series- like that, too! Yes, I am a fantasy reader and this is top notch. As YA fantasy, I believe your work will do well here.

On my shelf.

All the best
Elaina

This was a nice evening read. I like the ancient feel to your pose, the strength of your characters and how you have wove the two together. There is a depth to your writing that is quite alluring. I am not sure yet which character I will be most invested in but all the better. Makes me want to delve deeper. On my shelf. C.P

Piper,
Anyone with a profile intro like yours has got to be able to write an elegant story.
Beautiful prose, my only problem with it is the odd names. I am by nature a lazy reader, and some of the words and names you come up with are unsual to say the least. Of course this is not a fault of yours, but a weakness of mine.
On my shelf, and welcome to authonomy.
MickR - The Nightcrawler

You did a terrific writing presentation on this novel. Think there was a problem with the loading as there seems to be some white space between paragraphs. Shouldn't be an issue to get corrected.

I liked the short pitch. The long pitch could use some work on it. It's your sales tool. Convice why we need to read your story. Check out my pitches as examples.

Easy read for the YA audience. Should be able to sell easily. SHELVED!

I do look forward to your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Piper,
I read your bio, loved it. That's a great wish list, good luck with (most) of it. I couldn't resist reading your book after seeing the home page. The cover is excellent, but I'd have liked your pitch to give me some idea of what the story is about rather than being the initial passage of the book.
I don't read a great deal of fantasy writing and neither am I even close to being in your target audience age group. That being the case, I can appreciate the quality of your writing and the breadth of your imagination. I've read chapters 1 and 2 and would happily read more if I had sufficient time. This has depth and value.
I'm happy to back this and wish you well on the site. I suspect you will do very well and deservedly so.
Jared (Mummy's Boy).

Hi Piper!

This is very imaginative, fantastic writing! Very strong voice, easy to read - should really be a hit with the YA audience you are targeting! Great stuff - on my shelf!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Your writing is superb Piper
Very nicely done and the story is intriquing
"That's for Rachel, you lunatic!" -- the dialouge was very believable.
And I love the dream mixed into it
very good so far
cant wait till you upload more
-Cara

The Legend of Esdaraelon
I love your wish-list and understand why you've started authonomising.Your writing style is wonderful, packed with enticing phrases like "...peered into the unfathomable darkness of the cave." and "...the light of morning smeared across a blue and pink sky.: This is excellend stuff, and it's going on my watch list 'till I can shove somebody of the shelf!
JR

Piper,

You've crafted a nice tale that should appeal to your target audience. Your short tells what the novel is about, but it doesn't summarize the STORY. Don't underestimate the importance of the short pitch. It needs a hook.

I've always been taught to write a full pitch in the present tense. Yours may work as is, but I thought I mention this.

Shelved
Rodney

Hello Piper :-)

I think you did an amazing job with this book. There's a bit of too much white space between some paragraphs at times, but that could be easily fixed.

Overall great writing though. It was very engaging to read. I'm sure this book will go far.

Good luck with it! Shelved.

Hi Piper. A very fine book. Interesting as well as entertaining. Very well written. Only read a 2 chapters but I think this will do well. The pitch promise a good story and your writing will carry it well. Backed

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Hi Piper, this is the work of a confident author. It's easy to jump into and easy to stay. I think you have a 'sweep of the cloak' once too often in the opening bars, and if you can, get rid of the format spaces. You will have to 'cut' your originals. Honestly, I'm not too easily pleased, but know that The Forgotten Remnant is a book worth following. Shelved, Scott.

Yay! You posted it..... Back to comment properly later.... :)

Yay! You posted it..... Back to comment properly later.... :)