Dream Swords

Your premise sounds intriguing, so I watchlisted your book with the intent of reading it as soon as I have space on my shelf. I will try to offer more constructive comments thereafter.

Benjamin Flinders
(Traveling Trunk Adventure #1: Pirate Treasure)

It is best to stay in past tense. For instance you say, 'She closed her eyes and waited for the sword to begin glowing.' To stay in past tense you would say, 'She closed her eyes and waited for the sword to begin to glow.' You have a hard time staying in past tense all through you book. I did too at first. Try to work on that.
Also you call a baby it? That is sad.

Nicely done! I was swept into this and you held me there wth good pacing and suspense. What an intriguing relationship between the mother and the son. Best of luck with this.

Hi Nikki, there seems to be a lot going on in this story and from reading the first chapter I imagine you have a finely tuned plot. Its reads really well, you have a nice style, your drew the relationship between the mother and son really well without over describing. Its a fine piece and if I had time I would like to read on to see how the plot develops.
Its on the shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Hi Nikki, The outset was very intense and drew me in besides getting across the concept of the realms. I noticed that many sentences started with “The”; maybe they could varied. The story took off at the Renaissance Fair and I liked delving into the problem of the protector and the danger associated with the father. It’s an identification story, Kayla being oblivious but finding her allies and learning about her abilities. Many threads carefully woven that intrigue! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Dream Swords

Hi Nikki,

Much to like here, the premise is great for YA and children's market, which child won't have used a dreamworld to escape from the rigours of the everyday! (And for that matter which adult won't have either). The pacing is good in the first few chapters, you weave in backstory well and we are intrigued by the eerie descriptions of the forest. I think you're writing is a little passive in places, the description of her washing up and getting lost in her thoughts. It could be made more immediate by losing the was. This is basically a great read, I enjoyed the three chapters I read and the tension and intrigue hot up nicely. On the edit it would be good to look at some of the hidden, derivative phrases that have snuck into your story. The sun beat down on from over head...after the deep reservoir of your imagination this seemed a little tired and did not seem to add much. But this is all part of the re-writing, fizzing up sentences that carry important orientating information. A great YA read, best of luck with this, Krista and JD have already pronounced so I don't need to tell you have good this is. I will be back to read more, if you have time to swing by my book I would be grateful

Best wishes
Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

This is a wonderful dream story, great for young people.

Easy to follow, completely believable world of fantasy, terminology that is not too difficult to follow. Ingredients for a success fantasy that not just avid fantasy readers will enjoy, but readers of all kind. My only suggestion is to give the Portal of Light a different name. It sounds a little generic and I think you can do better. Shelved.
Love and Fear: The Diary of Oliver Lee
Kenny

Hi Nikki!

I've seen this pop up in my news feed a number of times over the past few days, so I had to come over and check this out for myself. After just the first chapter, I knew why so many of my friends have shelved this, and I'm about to go do the same. The only thing I could possibly add for advice after the amazing JD and Krista have given theirs is that for me, I didn't get sucked into the story until the fourth paragraph (when the dialog started, I got hooked). While I found the first three paragraphs interesting, maybe you could find a way to tighten/shorten a bit, to get to the action a bit quicker. Other than that, shelved!

~Traci
Tangled Web

Hi Nikki - I finally got around to reading your book. Sorry it took so long. There is so much great talent on this site and you are among them. I love stories that are spiritual and supernatural all rolled into one. Well done.
Shelved!

Jeanne (Dark Angel)

I love the title and pitch totally made me want to read on. The opening is incredible, nice bit of tense action I was immediately asking myself, what is under her arm? It was also mysterious as I tried to work out what was going on, very well written and defintely worth a turn on my shelf.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Krista sent me here - and once again she's proven herself a good judge of talent. Backed.

I have one nitpick. Forbid should be forbade or forbids in your pitch. Nitpicky I know. As for teh rest its well done and on my shelf.

Nikki!

This is so awesome! And totally rocks, girl! I can't wait to read the rest of this rewrite. Being a huge fan of Mikayla from the beginning--I can't wait to read all of the new twists and turns you're adding. As always, I'm a huge fan of your work! I love you girl!
Shelved!
Jenni James
The Northanger Affect

Nikki,
I'm here with proper comments - thanks for the support of Riley's Gift- Much appreciated. Glad you've FINALLY uploaded your book. It’s always fun going after JD – he’s so thorough. Most of the things I saw – I had to check to see if he mentioned them. He of course did.
What I noticed (that he didn't mention) - bare in mind... these are just the ideas that came to me- I'm just a reader who loves to write- you wanted suggestions... here are mine (grain of salt!):

POV—
“He stepped closer and reached out to touch the babies cheeks to reassure himself that she was real” --- this is his pov… not hers. Doesn’t work. :-)

“She didn’t want to interrupt this moment [her son was having with his daughter] but they needed to work together and they (needed) to do it fast.” – I think you could leave out the bracketed words, we know what moment your referring to. Also you repeat needed back to back- could find an alternative, or leave it.

He looked as if she had [just] punched him [hard] in the gut. --- you can delete ‘just’ – its an overused word (one my fav’s) also punching is usually ‘hard’ so don’t think this adds anything.

Maybe replace some of the ‘he’s with “Joe”.

“She paused and let the fear show in her eyes.” (pov- is she thinking, I’m gonna let the fear show? Because she can’t see the fear in her eyes- but she can ‘feel’ it)

He looked confused again [as he tried to process her words]. – bracketed is his pov- she doesn’t know what he's doing- could guess, but this isn’t a guess.

His confusion mirrored her own(I like this) – earlier tonight and she wasn’t’ sure she could explain it (this part, doesn’t make sense to me- but it could be me, I’m known to be kinda dense- especially on this website!LOL)

She was pleased to see [that] he was nodding in agreement.- remove the unwanted ‘that’s – they go hand in hand with ‘just’. :-)

Paragraph starting “I don’t think she has control…” – there are a lot of ‘she’s –

He looked down sorrow in his face at the mother she had lost. – seems awkward to me- I think it’s a pov issue to – how does the woman know what kind of sorrow is on his face- she can guess.

She closes her eyes- how can she see him vanish and the sword glow? – or maybe that’s the mystical fantasy stuff. (just checkin)

I loved it... and agree with JD on the fact that you build the tension well, keep us guessing and have an excellent hook at the end. I only had time for chapter one... but I'll read more later.
As you know.. it was on my shelf - the minute you uploaded it! YAY
~Krista

Hi Nikki!

This is so good, I got half-way through and checked at the top to see if you had loaded the whole book - I wanted to read it to my daughter. Not yet, I see... I'll have to wait for it to come out in the stores. (sigh...)

This is so filled with fun characters, action and fantasy - what child wouldn't like it?! I can even see this playing out in the movies to sell-out crowds. Pausing brieflly to back and leave a comment and I will be back to read more. Great job!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Wow, Nikki. Awesome beginning! I can't wait to read more :) Great job.

Nikki,

I'm returning your recent read of Appetites, thank you for the support. Krista tells me you're a friend of hers and says I'm to give you extra special attention! I'll see what I can do.

I will no doubt make numerous observations and offer various suggestions. Don't take any of it as gospel, I'm unagented and unpublished. All I can do is tell you what I see, that doesn't make it right. This is your work and need to be happy with it. If anything I offer is helpful, that's great, but please ignore anything that doesn't feel right to you.

I'm starting with the pitch as I always do. The firs thing is that I notice you have a note at the end to say that these aren't your thing! I'd recommend removing that--who knows someone might read it and love it!--perhaps you could say in your profile that comments on the pitch are welcome.

Having said that, let's look at your pitch. The short version gives me a good idea of the premise and it's a good one (I've read another work here that started at a Renaisance Fair, but I can't remember the title . . . I think that was also by a friend of Krista's, if it comes to me I'll let you know). You've got me because I happen to be interested in swords, I used to be a fencer. But I suspect that as a log line, it could be catchier. Short pitches are often in the form of a statement, usually about the inciting incident, then a question--essentially a distilation of the story questions. Something like:

Mikayla's world changes the day she finds the sword. Will a young girl be able to control its magic and save all that's dear to her?

I'm not suggesting you use that (it's a word too long for a start and for another thing I haven't read the work!) but offering it as an example of the form a short pitch might take.

Then your long pitch is a little hurried, I find it helps to think of this in three parts: the beginning; the middle; and the end. These parts might be one paragraph each, or the middle might require more. Paragraphs should be separated by line spaces to aid readability.

The beginning covers the character, the setting and the inciting incident: Mikayla is a young girl (living where) who goes to Renaissance Festival against her father's wishes and gets a sword.

The middle covers what happens next, the obstacles the main characters faces and the antagonist, if there is one: The men in tights would fit in here, as would the dream world. Some people recommend a rule of three, so one more obstacle would work here. Possibly the antagonist and the evil she has to defeat.

The end: coveres the story question and perhaps alludes to it's resolution. Something about the changes Mikayla undergoes and their significance.

I hope some of that's of assistance. I've changed my short and long pitches numerous times and I'm still not happy with them. They are important though as ultimately they form part of your query letter to agents or editors.

Okay into the work proper. Once your query has persuaded an agent or editor to open your MS, you have about a page to catch their attention (there's a book that suggests five, but I think that's optimistic). So I always start my reading here by looking at the opening fourteen lines--roughly the first page--and asking, would I read on. Fourteen lines gives me your first two paragraphs and a tease of the third.

And you have a good opening. There's action, tension and mystery. You foreshadow something ominous and of import. There are also nice little details, like the aged hand and that, clearly magical, tree. My attention is grabbed and I'd likely read on.

I do have some suggestions you might want to consider to tighten the writing:

--First sentence, you use 'her' but the pronoun has no one (or nothing) to refer to, I'd suggest using 'the woman's' instead here;
--I'd omit 'in the other direction' from the end of the sentence, keeping it crisp and ending on the key concept of flight;
--Second sentence could be simplieed, something like 'Only sheer will kept her feet moving.';
--Second paragraph, with her eyes closed how does she know the sword glows? I think a word or two is required to explain this;
--Second sentence of the same paragraph, you don't need 'to herself' it's redundant;
--a little later in same paragraph, I'd omit 'whole in, 'Her [whole] body shook . . .';
--next sentence, omiting 'She knew that' from the beginning of the sentence will bring the reader closer to the woman's viewpoint;
--same sentence I'd omit 'a lot of' modifiers often reduce impact; and
--the first sentence of the third paragraph I'd also prune, something like:

'The gnarled branches of the tree ahead beckoned.'

Omitting the pronouns has, I think, the effect of brining the reader closer to the action, the same with avoiding words like: seemed, heard, saw, felt, tasted, touched. If you simply report the senstation as the viewpoint character experiences it, then there's a good chance the reader will be immersed in that experience.

Moving on to the dialogue between the woman and her child. After the first line, delivered by the son, you have the woman's reaction in the same paragraph. I'd separate those, use a tag to introduce him and observe the deep voice, then have her reaction in a new paragraph (which could run-on to the next one).

After she answers, I lose the 'to her' from the end of her refelction on his silence.

Next line, I'd stop at the observation that his voice was strained, the remainder, if required, should be worked into the next paragraph (and see if you can lose 'she knew' from that one).

The remainder of the chapter contains an amount of exposition, or back-story, but it's delivered in manageable chunks and in a manner that makes sense given the context. Best of all, there's a lot alluded to but not said, which keeps the reader's attention (for example, who are 'they'?).

So the structure here is good, the writing is good. There's some good description, but never so much as to get in the way of the story. The balance between action, dialogue, thought and narrative is well struck. And the structure of the chapter unfolds well, starting with an action scene, moving into a sequel where the viewpoint character reflects on the upshot of the preceding action (the main part of which was 'off-screen') and finally a hook to keep the reader turning the page.

Apart from minor nit-picks with the writing, that I've mentioned as I've read through, I have a couple of higher level observations:

--this is chapter one, not a prologue, as far as I can see, but Mikayla--the main character in the pitch--is but a baby and so I'm wondering if her finding the sword (presumably her grandmother's) is the inciting incident or whether the events of this first chapter are in fact the inciting inciden; and
--I have a feeling that this chapter is quite long, especially for YA, though that's hard to judge on screen.

Turning to chapter two and we're clearly some time in the future, and in a world more like our own and I'm beginning to think that perhaps chapter one was, in fact, a prologue. I'm reading this chapter without making detailed comments, but I notice that the dialogue between Mikayla and her mother is very well done. Love the last two lines, they have a ring of truth.

Now, having completed 'chapter two' I'm convinced that is in fact chapter one (and a good opening chapter establishing the main character and foreshadowing the inciting event). So if I look again at chapter one as if it were a prologue, I'm more concerned about the length of it (I'm pretty sure that it's longer than chapter one). I'd think very carefully if you can shorten the middle section even if it means providing less information at this stage. A prologue has to be interesting in it's own right-which yours is--and to link quickly to the main story, which yours does, succinctness is, in my opinion, a virtue in a prologue.

Okay, I've now read the first three chapters (including the one I now think of as the prologue) and they're all very weel structured, with action, dialogue, narrative and back-story provided in well judged measures, and every chapter ends with a great hook. I can see this appealing to a young teen audience and I'm happy to give it a spin on my shelf.

Nikki,

Nice blend of mystery and backstory in this first chapter. You give us just enough information to keep us engaged, but hold the real mysteries of your world close. The mcs are interesting and I really like the older woman. You paint her as a strong, self-sacrificing character.

On my shelf,

ML

Great stuff!

Good luck.

Richard

You are a talented writer. I can easily envision what is on the page. Although sometimes to me, it felt as if you were trying too hard. Relax, take a breath, this is a good story and you are more than able to tell it well.

There were a couple of places I had to scratch my head, such as-

‘It was a bitter sweet moment for her, after all you only get to meet your grandchild for the first time once.' There is something with this sentence, I not sure what it is but the flow is a little off. It kind of feel like a switch from third to second person.

Good luck and enjoy your review. I am sure you are going to get many good ones. On my shelf. C.P

Dream Swords...

Just a quick note (more tomorrow) to let you know I'm backing this...good storytelling.

Shelved.

Cheers,
Sheryl

Dream Swords...

I'll be back to read some of your novel tomorrow, but in the meantime, I'll start with your pitches. Keep in mind that I’m severely pitch-challenged...one of the reasons I comment on pitches is so that one day I might even be able to write a good one myself.

Your short pitch is sometimes called the elevator pitch because you’re supposed to imagine that you’re in an elevator with an agent and you only have one or two sentences to pitch your novel in such a way that the agent will ask for a partial. Your short pitch isn't bad (better than mine) because it identifies the genre (fantasy...hot right now). Mostly. What's missing is your target audience (perhaps Mikayla's age would help) and perhaps something to make us care about Mikayla..

Here’s the allegedly winning formula for the longer pitch:
1. Who is your protagonist?
2. What does she want?
3. What obstacles does she encounter during the story? (three specific ones is a good rule of thumb)
4. a hint about the resolution

There's a hint of your writing voice in the words 'wacked out, wanna-be men in tights' and if it's an accurate hint, you should carry that voice throughout the longer pitch.

A really great site for unbiased feedback on your pitches is www.agentquery.com, where I’ve seen pitches go from blah to WOW (not mine, unfortunately…I think I needed to take a break from it, but I’ll be back there in October for more feedback.) They even have a thread for elevator pitches.

I'll read tonight and comment tomorrow...but rather than reading mine in exchange, read Tnuth (with an 'n') by C.P. Hoff, a comic, literary novel with rich characterizations and dialogue that shines on the page. Connie deserves our support to get to the Editor's Desk.

WOW, Nikki! I love your new opening. It says a lot and yet leaves the reader with lots of questions we want answered. The only thing I thought you didn't need to leave a mystery was what the bundle was. It's obvious that the grandmother knows its a baby, so to have her refer to it as 'it' doesn't quite make sense. (since we're in her POV). It would be just as intriguing if we knew it was a baby she was carrying right away. Also watch sentences where you use the same descriptive twice. Other than that, I'm loving this. I was only able to read the first chapter, but I'll have to come back and read more because you definitely left me wanting.

Only had a chance to read a short bit, but will be back for more.
Have backed this for the adept way in which the story is told, the passion behind the words and the intriguing premise. I am eager to learn more, which means you have done your job well.

I will mention this only as a suggestion and you can do with it what you want. You start a lot of sentences with "she, the, her" These break up the fluidity of the story for me. And are often not needed. Some examples:
She saw the pain in his eyes when he mentioned his dead wife-----> Pain reflected in his eyes when he mentioned his dead wife.
She stared at the spot where he stood for a moment----> For a moment she stared at the spot he stood...
She took this moment to memorize every detail of her son's face. Taking the moment, she memorized every detail of her son's face.

This would allow the text to flow smoother.
Another mention is the fact that every line that is spoken has text afterward. A lot of the time sentences can stand alone without directions and tags. For example:
"I can't let you do that." He looked at her with a look of surpirse.
First his surpirse isnt necessary to comment on since his sentence holds the audacity he feels. And second the double look in the tag after isn't necessary. If you want to keep it, perhaps "he looked at her with surpise on his face" Or simply, "His features twisted into a look of surprise."

Only trying to help more finely tune an amazing story.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

great opening chapter, great sense of atmosphere, your summary worked for me (except the end sentence ;) I immediately felt empathy for the characters, and loved the way you showed the mother's love for her son, despite the fact she was also afraid of him. One small nitpick, felt there were a few times when 'her' wasn't needed e.g. the gnarled branches of the tree ahead of her, seemed to beckon. (her in) Not a book I would choose for myself, but wonderful writing and i really hope you find publication. shelved.

Hi there, Krista recommended this and so I whizzed by for a quick look. Certainly looks a great read (and shares some aspects with my own book - bodies and souls in various places!). I've read enough to back it but will come back with comments later, (when I'm less bog-eyed!).
Jane

"She didn't know who she was trying to soothe more, her or it..." lovely line
"haunting forest sounds" I think you can go in more detail concerning the sounds... what did they sound like? Doesn't give enough although I did like the "haunting forest" aspect.
I do like the story; it's interesting.
I'll shelve this
-Cara

Dream Swords--
Nikki!
YAY....I'm so excited you!!!
I'll have comments later!
~Krista