Fear Gives Men Wings

I read the Prologue only at this point but what a great start! The first person POV threw me off at first, I think because it didn't seem to match my expectations after reading the pitch. Not sure why and this may have been just me. After reading Andrew's comments about pacing for thrillers, I tend to agree with him on that. I wrote an earlier thriller where the chapters had different pacing and heard the same comments from the readers I gave it to first. They said it should have shorter chapters and not to change up the pacing too much. I took their advice and they re-read. All of them said the pacing made it much more of a page-turner. That also had to do with setting mini-hooks at the end of chapters like Andrew stated. Great advice! I'll be reading the later chapters so maybe I'll be able to add to that later. Excellent hook in the Prologue!

Ken Floyd
Waves of Regret

Fear Gives Men Wings

Hi Steve,

Good writing, that needs to said off the bat. Great writing, action, dialogue, all work well. The first person POV / Third Person switch thing and the time-fractured narrative thing is probably a personal thing, but I found it slightly irritating. I wanted to know what was going to happen, absolutely a positive sign, but I found that the Jack and Ben bits were a bit long. The dialogue worked between them, the descriptions were fine, but I kept thinking to myself this is a thriller, why are the chapters (Jack and Ben ones) so long. It is almost as if I am reading two books. The plotting is clever the first person POV is well paced, Jack and Ben are great characters and I know we need to get to know them, but I wonder if there is a quicker way of doing that. At the moment the pacing is halting, fast bit, fully engaging, slow bit, fast bit, slower bit. Jack and Ben bits almost need to be written at the pace of the other sections, perhaps a way around this is to break there chapters into three or four shorter ones with mini-hooks at the end, then the first person POV interludes occur every four or five chapters. These are picky points about structure, celebrate your writing, it's great. Backing this. If you get time to read my book I'd be grateful.

Best wishes and good luck - Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

This started off with a bang, just how I like a good thriller. I also enjoyed some of your clever lines and your word play such as "I leveled my silver death dealer" love it.

I could see this all in my minds eye as it was playing through with your visual descriptions and well worded dialogue.

My kind of story...

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

Hello!
I don't want to be grumpy, I really am not a grumpy girl but yours is the sixth book I have read today that starts their book with a characters whole name. Sigh. Sorry to take it out on you. But it seems like a really overdone way to start a book. And not that it doesnt work my love, many famous books start that way!
I just wonder if a more grabbing first line couldnt be chosen. :( Just something for you to think about.
Even just, the man in front of me was running for his life. You can clarify his name later. ....
Anyways, what you have here is fast paced and engaging. It is a great premise, which is always popular amounst its audience, the while cat and mouse game is one people LOVE!
My suggestion is for you to watch your I's. You start a number of sentences out this way, and it isn;t necessary all the time. It is easy to get caught up in it when writing in the first person. Here are some examples of things you could change or adjust:
I stood and sprinted out the door after him-------Standing up, I sprinted out the door after him.
i popped up and put my gun through the hole in the door-----Popping up, I shoved my gun through the whole in the door.

There are a lot of these instances.
I do like your short choppy sentences, they convey the action well. But I also found that sometimes they werenecessary and woul dhave flowed better with a comma....
Someone had called the cops. I moved in quickly to finish the job.
COuld be: Someone had called the cops and I moved in quickly to finish the job.
It makes the actions linked and seem more urgent.
Anyways. Just suggestions.
I did like this. And have backed it.
T.L Tyson_Seeking Eleanor

At the end of chapter one the word might seems awkward. I think it's a certainty. ITs a good premise and I am shelving it.

Hi Steve,

You have an interesting premise. I like the authentic narrative voice. I like that you got right into the action. This has all the hallmarks of a good thriller. Good characterisation and dialogue. Good hook at the end of chap 1. It made me want to read on.

This is well written and should do well.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Liked your pitch, enjoy this type of book, good luck

Great prologue. Exciting, thrilling and well written. Have backed you on the strength of that. After such a great start I did feel that Chapter 1 dragged a little. Things like "White letters filled the pane with two lines. The first read Arnold and Bradshaw. The second Private Investigators" simply tells me it said "Arnold and Bradshaw Private Investigators" on the door and the rest just dragged it out. This is a personal opinion from an unpublished author. Don't take it as a professional's comment. Good luck. John

Cool.
Watch the adverbs, even the dreaded 'quickly' appears twice in the first page, but nice work, backed, M