Thrum

Thank you everyone for your comments and feedback. It's given me the motivation to go through the manuscript with a fresh eye and edit. I will be posting the updated version soon!

Thank you everyone for your comments and feedback. It's given me the motivation to go through the manuscript with a fresh eye and edit. I will be posting the updated version soon!

The first chapter starts light-heartedly and with a bit of a giggle. The introduction of Thrum character is, I think, almost perfect – as is Archendorf’s, who’s very carefully created and easy to believe In. You move things along quickly, going from comedy to action to dark anticipation seamlessly, and keeping me completely enthralled.
The second chapter is rather sinister, which I find is a good contrast to the first, and Ladanum and his council of evil is very aptly portrayed. The collapsing castle serves as to show their unfeeling attitude towards outsiders, I would think, shown well by Valgus the Silver’s reaction about his dead apprentices. The end of that section actually made me laugh out loud, because it was totally unexpected – falling asleep! I mean, honestly! :P The rest of the chapter runs smoothly despite your excellent split narrative and I love the inept broom-riders and the hobbit’s cameo appearance. They’re absolute gold.
Just a thing – although you first had Archendorf as a vegetarian, he has a bullfrog sandwich at the Stumbling Steed, which is surely meat?
The Dwarf’s shop is an excellent ‘scene’, although I did like Valgus’s character so it was disappointing to lose him, but then he came back in such a dramatic way!! That was brilliant. The cruciform is an excellent addition to the story – I love the reaction to it in the pub. It’s an exceptionally accurate portrayal of human’s lust for shiny things. I love Quirk – toothless bounty hunters!! Ha! Your Elves are very original and the tribe-like formation of them is very good; it works well. Thrum giving up is saddening, because he thinks he’s not brave enough, even though his activities during the Elves’ battle and against the magicians say otherwise. How frustrating!

That’s where I had to stop. But I’m definitely going to carry on!! I love this!

Amy
x

This is a wonderful read. I love quests, and magic. Great flow and pace in this first chapter. I like the tongue in cheek name Ham-on-toast! Nicely done characterizations, and structurally sound plotting. Needs some editing. Check the line: "Do you have you got the scroll." I will be coming back to see what the quest is all about I like the communicating scroll. Gladly backed.

Hahah are you serious? This is epic, I really like the main character, although the pitch didn't grip me as much as I had exptected, but something still compeled me to read it heh. What can I say, spells and wizards, especialy clumsy one are always fun lol. Backing this.

I think Thrum is a winner, Ronan. I loved the whole idea of him being slightly disjointed/off beam. But for me the real treat was in your writing and the way you so successfully use humour - your pitch had me giggling and your writing delivered in a very satisfying way. Backed with pleasure - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Ronan,

Your cover is great and I liked the humor in the plot. The names are amusing, especially Hamontoast. Your main character is delightfully quirky and the story itself is interesting. The idea of a mage inside a scroll is unique.

However, there are quite a few grammatical and editing errors. You need to get those sorted out quickly. It draws the reader out of the pleasure of your story. Also, I'm not sure about killing off the horse in chapter one. Beyond the fact that I love animals, the horse added a bit of whimsy to the book, especially in the fact that Archendorf carried him around. I could see some very funny scenes with the horse as a foil, but that is gone now with the horse's death.

Other than these minor things, the story was fun to read.

On my shelf,

ML

Thanks, good advice. Using too many adverbs is a trap I find myself falling into. I shall go through and edit!

Ronan,
Excellent tale, very creative and funny. I love the way the horse floated through the crowd with the man underneath, great visual imagery. I also loved his lesson well learned, Don's mess with magicians! You have all the ingredients of a commercial work here, it just needs some editing. You can do some of it yourself. Start by deleting most of the adverbs: unashamedly, groggily, blissfully, dramatically, hastily. Adverbs are like lead weights to readers and a killer when agents and publishers look at the work. Stephen King says when he finishes a manuscript, he goes back and deletes all the adverbs. Also you need to rearrange that one sentence that sounds like the black stallion is spending money in the market. Try this:
Out spending the last of his money in the city market, Thrum turned at the sound of hooves. A black stallion drew his attention.
There are a lot of editors on this sight. If you want it, you will get plenty of help.
This is a fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Ronan

This is a wierd and wonderful tale.....Not sure if I would have picked it up in a bookshop.....OK....Being honest, I probably wouldn't, but that's whats great about this site, because I enjoyed this......You do need a bit of a grammatical edit....But that is NOT a problem.....Because you've done the hard bit, which is craft and create.....If anything has to be wrong with a ms let it be grammer because its the easiest thing to put right.,

There is a website www,.fictionfeedback.com they helped me enormously....They edited my first 3 chapters...From that I was able to see where I'd been going wrong and I picked the thread and trawled through the rest myself......That said...I've managed to mess up the first 3 chapters again by changing things since I've been here.....

All the best of luck with this and enjoy your climb up the chart...........Backed.

Ronan,
Excellent tale, very creative and funny. I love the way the horse floated through the crowd with the man underneath, great visual imagery. I also loved his lesson well learned, Don's mess with magicians! You have all the ingredients of a commercial work here, it just needs some editing. You can do some of it yourself. Start by deleting most of the adverbs: unashamedly, groggily, blissfully, dramatically, hastily. Adverbs are like lead weights to readers and a killer when agents and publishers look at the work. Stephen King says when he finishes a manuscript, he goes back and deletes all the adverbs. Also you need to rearrange that one sentence that sounds like the black stallion is spending money in the market. Try this:
Out spending the last of his money in the city market, Thrum turned at the sound of hooves. A black stallion drew his attention.
There are a lot of editors on this sight. If you want it, you will get plenty of help.
This is a fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

THRUM - R Frost
You have an interesting plot, but the writing suggests the novel is in its first cycle of editing, and needs to be much more polished before a publisher will read it. I'm backing it and wish it well
JR

Thanks for the comments and spending the time to read it, much appreciated!

There is a whimsical type of humor that meanders through you story. You must have enjoyed writing this very much. Thrum is so delightful and painfully real. (Painfully in a good way.) Will put on my bunny slippers and dust a place off for it on my shelf. C.P

Thanks! Yes, still lots of editing to do, it's been a work in progress for a long time, but I really enjoy working on it. Good suggestion re the first chapter pacing, I'll have a look into it.

Hi Ronan, This is a bit crazy - but entertaining! There is a fair bit of editing still to do but it woudl be worth it. Also, the first chapter seemed very long for this kind of book - you may want to break things up a bit more to keep the pace up. Shelving for now. AnneX

Hi Ronan, This is a bit crazy - but entertaining! There is a fair bit of editing still to do but it woudl be worth it. Also, the first chapter seemed very long for this kind of book - you may want to break things up a bit more to keep the pace up. Shelving for now. AnneX

There is a whimsical type of humor that meanders through you story. You must have enjoyed writing this very much. Thrum is so delightful and painfully real. (Painfully in a good way.) Will put on my bunny slippers and dust a place off for it on my shelf. C.P

Adverby, but cool.
Good luck, M

Thanks for the comments and suggestions, much appreciated. I've made some changes to the text.
I'll definitely check out your book!
Thanks again.

Let me welcome you to the site and give you your first backing!

A clever, amusing and inventive tale. I particularly liked the watch gag, and: "The Crylock? Where is it?" "I don't know. It's a highly secret organisation". Nice touches like this lifted the book from gently amusing to laugh-out-loud funny.

Some pointers and nit-picks from Ch.1 (I'll read more chapters when I can):
"Thank you", not "that you".
".. the air tastes used" "You get used to it" -- Suggest you replace the first "used" with "second-hand".
"Barely had it shattered upon the floor had the landlord" -- suggest you make it "... floor than the landlord"
"Cue" not "que".
And shouldn't all the "the's" on the scroll be replaced with "ye"?

Good luck with this!
Richard Maitland
(Please take a look at The Sex Stone of Agassia, since humour's your thing)