Sonant

Hi again,

I just spotted you while I was wandering authonomy and realised I hadn't seen you around much lately. Are you OK?

Since I'm here, it only seems fair I have a peek at this book and leave a comment. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Prologue : Intriguing start. Instantly find myself wondering why there's a restraining order against Aaron. Ah I see why he's lurking, though, pathetic as it is. It's the only way he has a chance of seeing his daughter. Poor guy :(. The method he uses to approach the house seems extreme, though. Aaron must be either desperate or a bit unbalanced.

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to avoid "filtering" words such as felt/thought/knew etc because they place the character slightly in the way of the reader. eg in "He knew what he did would seem creepy..." you're telling the reader about him knowing something. If, instead, you wrote something like “He grimaced. This wouldn't look good if he was ever caught. It might even land him in jail. But ... what the hell was he supposed to do? It was the only way to see Nina..."" the reader would get to share his thoughts and mindset direct. I think such an approach could be more involving.

Reading on...Hmmm looks like the restraining order came about because he reacted v loudly to the bad situation. That was dumb, but understandable, I guess. Wow his drive to see his daughter's really mutated into obsession. I can't believe he's been sleeping in the pump house just to stay close to Nina. This guy needs help.

Hmmm v peculiar instant when the dust dances to his music. Has he somehow discovered some magical power? Or has his musical talent tapped into some sort of fundamental vibration? Interesting. V weird when he touches a mote and his hand's injured.

Mysterious chapter end. I worry his music may have summoned something dangerous...

Chapter 1: Clever start, describing the background noise in such musical terms. You simultaneously give hints as to where Aerie is + show us she must be a musician. Seems she's in a hospital. From her confusion, I'm guessing she was in an accident. She really doesn't seem to remember anything. What on Earth can have happened to hurt her neck so?

She also seems confused about understanding Japanese. She must have been there a while. Hmmm I wonder who the man who hurries over is. He doesn't act like a doctor. Seems more interested in her story. Is he a reporter? Or some sort of authority figure? Confusing dialogue. Why can't she remember this man? The accident and/or the subsequent drugs must have really messed her up.

Wow the details of her accident shocked me. Sounds like somebody tried to kill her... or maybe she tried to commit suicide. Ah the man's a policeman. That explains his interest. There are strange details here. Why was she tied from the front? Why did she bite the tie? If this was a suicide attempt, why didn't she leave a note?

Her memories seem to come back in fits and starts. At least she remembers her name + where she's been staying now. How badly has her brain been damaged, I wonder? Hmm suspicious that Hollis fled to Amsterdam. Was he involved in the "accident"? Wow it sounds like she was in a bit of a lousy situation financially. Did she really try to kill herself when she reached the end of her rope?

Hmmm from the questions, the police definitely seem to suspect Hollis was involved in the "accident". Yet she seems sure he wasn't. Despite a struggle, she doesn't seem to remember what happened with the hanging, though. Odd detail that her hands hurt. Did she hit somebody?

I gasped when she fled. What triggered that? Is she prone to such panic attacks? The policeman stops her killing herself just in time. By the end of the chapter I wonder if Aerie's crazy or desperate for some as yet undisclosed reason...

Chapter 2: I can see why Aerie would find the constant concern over her every action stifling. That would drive anybody nuts over a long enough time.

I've a small suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to lead off with dialogue as it reads quicker and easier that way. eg instead of " "Erma pursed her lips. "I do my best..." " I'd write something like " "I do my best." Erma pursed her lips...".

Reading on... No surprise she seemed relieved to escape to Ithaca. Baltimore seems to have been miserable for her. A fish out of water, she withdrew into her music. Wow she was lucky to find that Prescott. Seems that was what set her on the path to really developing her music.

Seems she returned to Ithaca as a way of trying to reboot her life at the point where it all started. The scene of her playing to the wind was quite beautiful. I can really picture and hear the scene. :)

Ah looks like we learn why her hands hurt at last. Too long playing on too high a tension instrument. Wow her mum comes across as snappy on the phone call. I guess the mum's just concerned, though, and looking for any sign that might hint Aerie's suicidal again. Shame Aerie gave up on her music. It obviously used to be the heart of her life. I wonder why she did it. Bad memories? Was her music linked to the suicide attempt?

Interesting reaction when Aerie's asked if she's happy. I think her answer's v telling. I think she's not particularly happy or sad at the moment. I think she's feeling emotionally dead, possibly due to thoughts of the suicide attempt, possibly due to the pills,

By the end of the chapter, it seems Aerie has nothing really to live for. I think when she's experienced Fall, suicide will beckon her once more... :(

OK I just saw how long my comment’s getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with mystery and tension. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue flows v well, is believable and feels real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension by releasing information, little be little. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store. There are many mysteries in your story I want to see answered. ;)

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I’d love this to get published. I think there's a real audience out there for your work. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

Sparrow,

I just finished Chapter Two. I liked it a lot. The dialogue between Aerie and her mother is very believable. After the first instance of dialogue, in the sentence that begins "Only now that . . ." I think you should remove the comma after "Ithaca" because the words before it are not an introductory phrase. In the second sentence of that paragraph, Ithaca is the subject of the sentence, but has no verb. As written, the reader expects that the verb will come after the "the site of" clause, but it never happens and then the reader has to stop and think and realize that there's a suppressed "was" between "Ithaca" and "the site of." In other words, because the subject has no verb, you're forcing the reader to stop and think which necessarily interrupts the flow of the prose. Also, the sentence "She rented a one bedroom . . ." is grammatically strange. The meaning is clear and perhaps the odd construction is by design, but I think it would be more accessible if it presented itself in a more conventional way (e.g., "She rented a one bedroom place downtown for five hundred a month; by Tokyo standards it was ridiculously cheap" or even "She rented a one bedroom place downtown for five hundred a month - a steal by Tokyo standards"). "She loaded her bass into the car and CAME up between the lakes . . . ." Regardless, that sentence is a serious mouthful and could perhaps be split up for readability. Perhaps insert a period after "deceased"; then "He wasn't family, or even an acquaintance, for he died decades before she was even born. Nonetheless, he meant more to her than any living relative." Likewise, you could split the next sentence for readability: "Aerie drove alone in her rust-specked Nissan Sentra. She chose the car not for its looks, but for its ability . . . ." Then, in the following sentence, "Behind her, a beach bucket bearing a bouquet . . . SAT in the only space a passenger could have occupied. The assortment was the best she could improvise . . . ." This last sentence is another example of your tendency to suppress the verb that should accompany your sentence's subject. To the extent that it's a part of your voice or style, I think it detracts more than it helps because it's counter to the way the average reader's brain is trained to read; again, it requires the reader to stop and process rather than keep reading. (Note that you don't do this with the sentence "The album 'Sunday at the Village Vanguard' . . ." because you have the verb "made" after the appositive clause.). Remove the comma after "Back at Flint Road".

Hyphenate "three-limbed". You wrote, "I still have one more another refill left." Put a question mark after "Have you seen her".

Repunctuate the line about fall coming as follows: "Yet Fall, her favorite season, was coming." Also, remove the comma in the following sentence and replace it with a semi-colon; otherwise it's a comma splice.

Basically, my observation about the prologue and the first chapter is equally applicable to the second chapter. Your ability to paint scenes and craft plot is as good as anyone that I've read here on Authonomy. Indeed, your attention to details (e.g., the sloshing bucket) is commendable. Your dialogue also rings authentic and is easy to read. Most of all, Aerie is an intriguing character and I will keep reading to see what happens to her. Notwithstanding, the prose needs a lot of line editing. I have no doubt that if you spend time going back through this text you can make it one of the best novels on Authonomy.

Best,

Rob
(Aralen Dreams)

P.S. The line about the cheering cicadas is brilliant.

Yuck. That prologue was certainly embarrassing. I've gone back in and spruced it up based on Robert's comments. It's still needs revision, but the earlier version retained fragments and splices that were intended for deletion. At least now it's a little less messy.

The second meaning of 'extradite', by the way, in most dictionaries is 'to seek extradition.'

Sparrow,

I just read the prologue and first chapter of Sonant. You do a great job of painting scenes, developing characters, and building drama. The mystery behind Aerie's circumstance is compelling, as are the strange character and phenomena with the dancing dust in the prologue. The technical execution of the work, however, is off. There are scores of run-ons, comma splices, and generally infirm sentences in the first several paragraphs of the work. Such unconventional sentence structure is likely to push away many readers. If you're consciously breaking style/grammar rules, that's fine, but you may want to avoid doing it at the outset. In other words, gain your readers' trust before you start breaking rules. Also, for nit-picking, a homicide detective investigates dead bodies, not nearly dead bodies, and "extradite" means the opposite of what the detective seems to think it means (perhaps he wants to "seek extradition"). Regardless, your ability to build tension and drama early on in your work is something I haven't been able to do in my own novel, so I applaud your effort on that front and I admire your creativity.

Best,

Rob

Some of the finest writing on the site.

L.

Excellent second chapter. TIt should be the first.

Sonant - From the outset the reader knows something is not right with Aaron. His character, obsessions, determination and will not to step across the line completely are deftly drawn that leave the reader with an eerie feeling at the end of the first chapter. And Aerie, she too is finely drawn, damaged by her own hand for reasons she doesn't remember, a feeling of ennui lies heavily over this character.
This is not a fast paced read yet it holds the attention, draws the reader in wanting to know what will happen next and the first rehearsal is an accomplished piece of writing. I read far more than I intended and will come back to discover exactly what is in the bell jar and how it could possibly affect the world. If the reader comes away from the book with that kind of curiosity, the author has more than done the job well.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Very well crafted writing with wonderful descriptive detail...the text moves along with a steady flow and rhythm...excellent stuff!
Backed
Stewart

You set up Aaron's charavter and obsession very well. description is good and very evocvative. Lots of sound going on here to complement the visuals. Building into a chilling tale. Nice variety of rythms to the sentences.

the idea is very good and you tell it great style and effect- this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

You are totally fantastic, A.! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Aerie. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear A., Well, here I am to read & comment on your 2nd book. :) At the end of chapter 7, I'm waiting to see what is going to happen, next? :) Your pitch inferred music & it sure was. :) Crisp dialogue & paragraphs made for a smooth read. :) I've backed both of your books :) - could you please back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

Well written and compelling. Odd combination in your tags (evangelism & exorcism). I'd be interested to read more. btw 'She gave turned over the entire thirteen dollars ... Ch 3', is that a typo/delete a verb? All the best with this one, backed.

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 5 hours later :)