NORMSVILLE KNOT - (Bear Essentials)

Ame,
I think your synopsis is clear and intriguing. Well done. Judging from the synopsis, I’d gather you have a good grip on the story’s overall structure.

I love these bits of action you describe in clipped sentences, the way they tie one paragraph to the next, they’re like an incidental story sneaking in from the background. ‘From there to the kitchen, and kettle on.’ then ‘Tea from caddy, kettle on the boil.’ and ‘Cup, spoon and fridge.’ Very nice.

I’m fascinated by the premise, and fanciful details of the story. I like it that characters in Normsville are held in high regard for undoing knots, by whatever means they can. I thought that was amusing. I like the animal characters. They’re so much easier to visualize, than people. By the end of the second chapter, I was eager for some dialogue. I skipped ahead, found some, and liked it very much. This is a very original story.

Highly recommended.
Rodney Jonez

This is one of the most unusual books on this site. I enjoyed the complexity and the wonderful allegories and metaphores. So hard to categorise, that's why I like it. Sometimes childlike, sometimes sophisticated but always so well written. Such an odd, slightly disturbing world you create. I shall have to read this again and enjoy working it all out. Very good read.

Excellent prologue, I love the way you use language so well, your use of allegories is subtle, the authors voice in the way it speaks to the reader is humorous whilst avoiding condescension. You also have a good tone of phrase, but I fear that your literary subtleties will be lost on most readers.

However I have only read the first three chapters & I picked up on a few minor errors in chapter 3, just before your first break it says 'Hard to imaging' I presume you mean imagine. In the second section near the end, you have a 'tirdly' instead of thirdly?
I also think you seem to lose some of your pace by the end of the third chapter.

I'm going to back you anyway, as I like your originality & writing style. You never know I may get to finish reading it one day!

This is fictions on (so far as I can determine but will come back later) about 5 different levels. The humour runs through it like a bubbling stream reflected in a mirror, lit by a candle flame and seen through a window.
I absolutely love this perfect allegory/illusion/creation and from the first sentence I was hooked. (Well, reminded of an old joke that seems to fit this perfectly.)
Backed
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

take six stars for this

Isoje David

Animals In Paradise

PLC review (final) Normsville

I'm starting to enjoy this more as I read on but I'm honestly not sure if that's because the writing, plot, tension, or whatever is improving
or whether I'm just tuning into it better, getting used to it you might say. My suspicion is that it is a combination of these plus an injection of pace to proceedings resulting in the long required tension.

This story is very like my own, addresses the same greed infested world we live in, and tackles this in an imaginative metaphorical way. In my previous post though I did mention that there was too much time shopping rather than going down the street and I think the three corporate monkeys are an excellent demonstration of what I meant in that post.

You have the monkeys announce themselves as the corporate monkeys and then you want to scoot onwards, possibly later to demonstrate the limitations of their investigative powers but the rest does not need to be pointed out. I'd go further here and say that the rest needs not to be pointed out, the rest should be left for the gratification of the reader in thinking themselves smart enough to make your connection without having to hold your hand.

Overall, there is much to be praised here, and no-one knows better than me the problem of setting up an imagined world and making it work, so full marks for managing that. Yet I do feel you have to be less explicatory and just give enough food to lead the readers on. In many ways it's doing that that creates the necessary tension.

The real secret in writing is in what's left out.

Jim Barrass

Chapter 1

I love your opening - both the poem, the tag-line "Do you believe in miracles?" and then the first paragraph. It really sets the tone magically. It makes me feel like "this is a book I want to read."

I loved that first paragraph - I was with Emily completely. I know that feeling - wanting to come home to a radiator-warmed apartment and a hot cup of tea.

"covering the empty space inside" - a sentiment so well expressed, as many of us know what that feels like (in varying degrees)

I love the way you weave in things like "cup, spoon and fridge." It speaks to familiar but mechanized actions. And I love that she talks to her bears as though they were real people. I too, have always have stuffed animals that meant a lot to me (and still sometimes speak to them on occasion).

I love how the inanimate objects in her house take on a life of their own - even the kettle.

Loved this: "From H2o into O'Cah, honourable tea." - how the most mundane of objects can be transformed, simply, yet magically.

All in all a brilliant first chapter.

Chapter 2

"Normsville - a place where one can be quietly contented." - oh that such a place should exist - it's the cadence of this line as well as its meaning that got to me.

"close liaisons with the vulture family" - this made me laugh.

I like the assides from the narrator - makes me feel like I am sitting at the foot of a bard.

The magical undertones here are tangible and it reminds me of Neil Gaiman's book "Neverwhere"


Chapter 3

I like that Emily talks to her bears and T.O. Bear talks to his plants.

Theo, Belinda and Otto's relationships and dynamics are well developed and interesting...so very subtly (or perhaps not so subtly) mirroring out own world.

This is great stuff, Ame. I'm reading on.

Chapter 4

The plot thickens. I questioned Theo's musing the Belinda might be a "lying bitch" that seemed a bit harsh and out of place.

I am still following everything and intrigued by the plot. I like the softly humorous touches and asides - like when you tell us it was really the Southwester and not the grim reaper). I am enjoying this read very much.

Chapter 5

As I read this I very much felt the dream-like state one enters when going through a museum. Well done. There were lots of nice contemplative moments in this chapter too.

I will read on and comment more, but going to leave this comment for now to get started.

I am enjoying this very very much.

PLC Review,

I have not finished the book but have read far enough to, I think, gain an overall impression.

In a strange sort of way this is hardly a novel at all - it is a sort of stream of events that are happening almost as if in a dream - a sort of haze of happenings. As such it is a relaxing read where we can savour each small, well written, scene before moving on to the next. There is very little tension and precious little story development. There are amusing and occasionally concerning analogies but these have to stand alone - they are not developed further.

I am not at all sure that you are gaining much by the use of animals. At first I thought this was helpful in that it allowed me, the reader, to stand a little apart from the action - but as the prospect of much 'action' began to recede so my slight irritation at all those animal-names (instantly forgettable!) started to increase.

From the little you have said about its inception the writing of this work was a sort of compulsion? It is a dream-narrative that transports us to a different world where things are almost, but not quite what they seem. To that extent it has elements of Alice in Wonderland and Animal Farm. But there is nothing like the structured chaos of Alice or the harsh politicise of Orwell's work. No this is in a different category, and one that I find to be un-graspable - instead I feel as if I am floating down a slow-flowing river, glancing at something happening on the bank - and then losing it and arriving at the next 'happening'.

So, Ame, I am unsure as to whether this is a stern crit or a gentle murmur of approval - I really just don't know! I see that you have to whole trilogy up on your site and hope that you get many download requests.

Normsville. My last Phoenix LC crit.

Ch.12. You're certainly good at creating gory messes in the reader's mind. And Chico still ties tocrack jokes.
I think you must mean 'If only their destination were closer.'

I race onwards to the end, pursued by the gnashing teeth.
I dont understand the Islands in the Sea puzzle, I'm afraid.
Then a tinkerbelle - your prose is poetic indeed, in its beauty.

And an eternally turning world.

Almost a children's story - but you need to do something about the ponderous start. And maybe describe an ending for us to grasp at and be sort-of satisfied?

Thankyou for the read - your grew on me ... and grew... and grew.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

PLC Review

Ame,

A beautiful poetic intro - winds of change…blowing raspberries. I love it and right away the reader gets a strong feeling of anticipation. “Do you believe in miracles? …it’s a special night.” Then that short first paragraph immerses the reader in a sense-around experience of cold and dark then light and warmth. They are ready to settle into their chair with a cup of tea and listen to a great story.

There’s artistry in the way you write, “Hissing and spitting… captured tea leaves into submission… transformation… from H2O… honorable tea” It’s all written with such careful finesse. “A waiting armchair offered a caring embrace…“ Brilliant.

Chapter two - Violence in action, self-awareness at all cost, and creativity through confrontation. Three pieces of art are testamony to your own creative introduction to what seems like a well put-together town.

Chapter three - An introduction to the quiet and unassuming Theo bear and his seeming destination that his name fails to tell.

Chapter four - does Belinda really love him

Chapter five - Once again, we see your giftedness in providing wonderful descriptions of scenery. Use of personifiication is a strong point.

A thick carpet runner led several yards ahead onto a “mountainous” reception desk. Check spelling, but maybe the Brit and Yank spellings are different.

This sentence was a little confusing. “His mum entered the bedroom, clutched his blanket and ran with him into the night after two Law Enforcement Officers, called ‘Leos’. It read to me as if I should expect some action to be done by the Law Enforcement Officers. For example. ….and ran with him into the night after two law enforcement officers pounded on their door. There, now I’ve confused you, haven’t I? Sorry.

There’s a mixture of futility and awe as Theo contemplates the unanswered questions of his destiny. I love this line: “He simply had to bend his knee to surrender to the Great Leveller, the famous dust of death creator who was greater than himself.”

Chapter six - “The white of the snowy triangle with jet-black nose…but that’s were (where) the comparison ended.”

“Once Theo got accustomed to the glare, the leavy (leafy) shadows began to reveal…”

“Diddy looked around. “I do (have?) some party gear…”

Ame, I read through chapter six and have really enjoyed the story so far. After chapter four I couldn’t help but wonder what will happen with Belinda. Will she stay in her hypnotized state or will Otto wake her up. That flux kind of bothered me. But I trust that Theo/Tom will eventually find his own personal answers and return strong enough to hear Belinda’s answer. I also wondered if Emily will ever show up again. You really put a beautiful voice to your story and I believe there is a moral that runs deep that the seeker/reader will eventually find.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

PLC Review (2 of 3)(whither the tension?)

I'm puzzled by this, I mean it's clever, though as I keep getting told myself clever isn't everything, well no, but then clever isn't everything here either. The writing is of a fair to better quality, and there is a story here that keeps dipping in and out of focus. So where does this leave us?

I can't argue that bears and owls are too strange to believe in considering that my main character is a full stop, that would be somewhat churlish not to say disingenuous. So what is the problem here?

I think, part of the problem is too much detail, like, suppose your walking down the street, that's your narrative, and your going to this place over there, then that's fine, but you keep paying to much attention to the shops on either side, you don't want to tell a story, you want to shop, metaphorically speaking of course. I think you need to make much of this detail incidental, bring it in en passant, or create situations that beckon a memory due to likeness, linkage, and so on.In other words move the narrative forward but bring in details through hindsight, hindsight, being a 20 /20 smartass, can be a writers best friend, disguising authorial omniscience.

The other problem, though that's probably too strong a term for it, is this authorial leading, which is too hand held leading I feel, rather than letting the reader at least think they are traveling under their own impetus. Put simply, you are there too much.

You need to ride this narrative train and draw the tension from that pace.

I'll complete review later.

Jim

PLC Review
Bear Essentials

Dear Ame,
This is a very different and special book, a modern day allegory for grown ups that stands apart. It is very well written and rather captivating, if rather quirky. At the same time, it is very obviously part of something much larger, and its success will ultimately be based on the success of the whole series. I can only speak for the section that I read, which was very much worth reading.
I have read Authonomy chapters 7 to the end, and then read the first few chapters to understand what was going on- mostly, to figure out what the story was with Belinda.
I have nerver read a book like this before, starting at the middle and heading to the end. I don't think I will do it again because, although it made sure that I read perhaps the best bits of the section you posted, it makes it hard to see the plot arc and understand the hook. My comments are couloured by that reading experience.
Hook and plot- When I went back and read the beginning, I was quite startled to find Emily. The writing here is alluring, and I loved the fairy tale feeling of the pacing, particularly the interjections like "Tea from caddy, kettle on the boil" and "Cup, spoon and fridge". They added a cuddle up by the fire tone. But Au. Ch. 2 and a lot of chapter 3 left me a bit cold, and I felt that perhaps you could hold the description of the town and its people until later. That is, until you get to the section with Belinda.
This means that there is not a proper hook until the love story hook of ch 3- 4. I would suggest that you consider either shortening the description of the town, which, although beautifully written, really makes me feel a bit aimless, or bring it in later.
As far as plot is concerned, I feel that it works extremely well. Mind you, I may not have the best feeling of it, as I read the book backwards. But, as advertised, this is an odyssey, and epic journeys have very automatic plot arcs moving the reader from adventure to adventure.
Character development- The whole point of the story is to develop Theo's character, and the section that I read does that extremely well. I did feel that you exaggerated his shyness just a tad during his first introduction in 3, but, again, I read this after reading about him confidently solving the lion seal's puzzle, so my reaction may be biased. I really loved the scenes of the pub, the arsonist squirrel, the hanging gardens and the temple of calm. As I said earlier, I thought the concept of the bit of self was memorable. Theo /Tom/T.O. makes a good character to go through these adventures because he is so sweet and unassuming, and so I found myself quite cheering for him.
As far as the other characters, I found that you have a lovely way of painting supporting characters well and quickly with broad strokes. The cheetah, the aforementioned squirrel, Rolly, all very clear characters painted very briefly.
I walked away feeling that one of the least well developed characters was Belinda. Again, I guess that being the Beatrice to Theo's Dante, I expected to know her better when I went back and read the first chapters.
Ambiance- This is what carries the book through for me. It is really fabulous. From the eerie toy factory to the hanging gardens, there is something dark and menacing about this fairy world.
Mechanics- While your writing is very good and I saw few typos, I saw many instances where you have an extra space after or before a punctuation. I only wrote down a couple, like Ch 4- Listen Loverboy : You've.." and Ch10 "Rolly continued with undisguised enthusiasm : "I'll buy..." or, also ch 10 "the story reminds you of your brother, isn't it ?" (space before the ?). There were a lot of these in Ch10. I recommend a good, careful read-through.
So I give this good stars, although I really think that you could tighten the beginning up a bit. This is not to say that I did not find myself a bit lost in the sections that I read, particularly around chapters 7 and 8. But, again, I feel that I approached the book the wrong way, and so irreparably affected my reading of it.
Thank you again for those lovely metaphors.
Best of luck,
Maeve

Normsville. Phoenix LC crit No. 2.
Ch.6. Now that I've realised there's an allegory to the whole book, I'm reading on with new 'eyes'. Probably my fault for not reading your pitches carefully enough (on the other hand, perhaps you need to give out a stronger message from the beginning?)
You must mean that's where the comparison ended. And the leafy shadows.
A wonderfully mysterious and fluffy description of the snowy owl with its two yellow eyes.
You dont need the 'began to' where the leafy shadows revealed the leather bound book.
Typical unmovable bureaucracy. Wonderful characterisation.
And I enjoy the veiled humour behind your words. ('Theo nodded. Probably. The museum smelt awful. It did make his eyes water.')
Your work does need some fine-tuning. Try deleting the rest of the sentence after 'The owl was obviously not coming back'. You'll find not more is needed, especially inview of TO's subsequent thoughts.
Sorry - cant help picking up little nits. Hope you dont mind: you dont need to say the stall caught his attention either - you've already said his gaze was fixed on it.
I'll concentrate on the story from now on - but when preparing for publication, you'll find the details are important.
That Gate again.
Sometimes your story reminds me of a piece ofmodern art. No doubt meritorious to those in the know, but incomprehensible for the rest of us. And what frustrates me is that I'm not unintelligent!
Another tangent - thoughts on being fatherless.

Ch.7. I think this is a book which must be read, and re-read, in case one misses something the first time.
I suppose that's how some rich people still think of The Poor - as rather stupid for not joining town life with its many advantages. (Notice I've omitted two words).
Dramatic indeed, the igress who gives.
I couldnt help it: laughed out loud when the vicious crocodile's grin widened - and she laid an egg. And the progeny. What an imagination you have.

Ch.8.A rich opening paragraph with alliterative sights and sounds leading TO onward to the Gate.
I think you must mean vendors.
My eyes are beginning to glaze over as I ampresented with a plethora of people going about their separate ways. Will TO succumb to temptation...?

Ch.9. A sinister toy factory when the regimented workers dont smile. But they revolt while TO looks precariously on. A graphic, bloodthirsty episode (you're very good at those), and another lesson is learned.
When did TO start desiring to change the world, I wonder? I thought he was just observing.
'Morose threats ... playing therole of monotonous metronome without the release of an off-switch.' Great imagery.
And always, thoughts of Belinda intrude.

Ch.10. More temptations - of the inebriated kind this time.
Jack 'took a long suckle from his glass.' Speaks volumes - a clever choice of words.
Oh - so they're in Australia? Or perhaps Rolly is Australian...

Ch.11. I'm getting used to the rhythm of your story now - just one more chapter.
Ah - ha: a temptation consciously refused, as he avoids the hanging gardens. Progress is being made. And, as a reward he's allowed to help a little squirrel.
Now, I'm really being reminded of Alice in Wonderland - with a modern touch.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Such a seductive discripitive natural way of painting a beautiful picture. Will continue reading and post a positive comment as soon as can.
Excellently told.
Star rated******
Josphine
Notime goes bye

A bear and a beaver - this is the bestchapter yet. I love the dialogue, more dialogue and the story wlll move along with an interesting pace. thanks for this

Great Description of this town. I do wonder about all this description at beginning however. Will it keep the interest of the audience you are aiming for. I will read more as I may see this differently. But good descriptions, strong word choices.

On chapter one - Grabbing my interest. Ruppert a bear? Reading to teddy bears? But this arrouses curiousity. On the short and long sentences. I like the very short phrases as to what or where the Emily is doing, contrasted with longer sentences; however, after chapter one do ask? What age level or audience is this intended. Some of the sentences I imagine are too long. Clear and concise. On the other hand, would not want you to destroy the magic you have in your prose in keeping readers attention. On to chapter 2.

Just to add my two ha'porth from off the Forum:
Normansville review

This is a very different book, a deliberately and defiantly different book and not without charm. I liked the opening and thought it provided a fair enough warning of this to a potential reader.

I found it a bit episodic particularly until 5, although I could see what you were trying to achieve. I was also distanced by the manner of narration and wonder if there is any way round this. (I thought and failed).

As I read on I swung between a kind of fairyland between Kafka and JM Barrie and knew I was in the realm of allegory. The search for origins (truth, even embarrassing, laughable truth) led to the garden of unreturned love. I did laugh at 'To Bear or not to bear;

Nitpick, I needed to know why Otto went against the ethics of his profession.

On finishing ... I didn't feel well read enough or clever enough to know whether I had understood well enough. Had I gained the bear essentials?

PLC Review: Normsville Trilogy: Bear Essentials (Book 1)
The Prologue had a sense of a children's story and adult novel. Emily returning home, a sanctuary for a person who seems to have little social life, with the exception of that she share with her stuffed animals. I anticipate a stage being set. The premise delivers a hope that something wonderful is going to happen: "Do you believe in miracles?"
The writing of the Prologue is beautiful and a joy to read, littered with well-constructed language and revealing metaphors: "Chopped up harmonies from a street choir faded into obscurity as her keys turned the double lock.." The paragraph that this passage is contained within seems to develop an allegory into Emily's personal life, and solitary existence.
In Ch 1 we are offered a tour of Normsville, highlighting some of the unusual rituals and celebrations. I am assuming that this is the beginning or Emily's reading. In this tour we find a description of an "odd" little town with "strange" features. The last feature of the town was the Old Gate, always closed and an ominous and protective barrier, keeping spirits and monsters at bay. And then, we arrive at the hook: as the Gate was closed to passage by all, "and everyone knew the score...except Theo Bear.
So, now we arrive at the beginning of the story.
There are those who will find the reading of such good prose, just in itself, a pleasure, and I, for the most part did. But, I also found myself wanting more from the delivery of the story, and more from the character of Theo.
It seems the description of Normsville, just from the derivation of the name, was intended to demonstrate an unremarkable community. And, although the end of the "tour" delivered a device to pique the reader's interest, I couldn't help but think all of this describing could have been woven, and revealed as a part of the character development of Theo's character and motives.
A nice read that fits well within the genre of literary fiction.

PA Davis

Eme,

I’m going to jump around a bit with my crit. I’m no expert, just some thoughts as I read below.

Firstly, I do you think your manner of writing suits the literary genre, and after reading the first few chapters of Wolfwomen, your unique voice is noticeable throughout both stories.

I like the premise of NORMSVILLE and don’t mind the voice of the narrator, although I did struggled a little bit with your opening…especially paragraph 2 and 3 from there on I found the writing flowed much better in your prologue, and I could hear and see Emily chattering away to the toys.

But after reading the first three chapters, I found myself not really understanding where we were heading. I personally thought that although the opening prologue intrigued me, by the end of the second chapter (section 3), I really had no sense of the town or the characters within its gates. I found some of the phrases vague and their overall meaning was lost on me.

I found the statement at the end of section 3, personally didn’t work as a hook for myself. To me it read as an announcement and together with “What will Belinda’s answer hold?” The narrator’s attempt to entice the reader further into the work doesn’t work on a deeper level for myself.

By the first line of your pitch “In this tale animals play actors in a life- drama.” I thought we were going to be thrown into a fantasy, but instead I felt a little disappointed after the prologue that the story was being narrated by someone – and inturn I felt very distant to the story. That said, I do like the execution of second pov – and think you do manage to do that well.

Another thing that struck me was a town with animals that in all senses appear to live as humans – this aspect I found unfantasy like, if the world they lived in was actually different I think I might have been a little more intrigued….they appear to do just as humans do, which inturn made me wonder why the need for animals at all.

This made me think about the genres it is currently listed under – one part of me felt this sounded like a child’s story, and another that the writing was aimed at adults. The narrator of the section 2 – and 3 comes across a little pretencious, and at times a little bland, and I thought almost appeared bored with telling the tale. I say this because the finer details of what I would expect to see in a fantasy, don’t appear to be there….in the sense of what makes this world truly unique? To me placing animals in what appears to be virtually a human world and given them internal characteristics of humans doesn’t strike me as a fantasy.

The prologue as such doesn’t bother me, but generally in the fantasy genre, the world the reader is going to inhabit is usually laid out in rich detail. I’m not convinced that giving the town and some of the things in it unique names really does what might be needed to attract fantasy readers. That said I loved the knot thing – and would have liked to have seen more of that type of stuff – things that were different in this world.

My overall thought about what I did read was that I felt as if I was reading something caught between a childs story and adult story, but it is written in a manner that will rule out younger readers – when all in all I thought the story would be much better suited to a younger readership. Many of us are children at heart – and a great deal of fantasy readers adult – and I thought if it was defined more within the narrative one way or another – it would actually increase readership.

prologue

2nd paragraph

I never got the meaning of the second paragraph. It comes across as author intrusion and doesn’t appear to be related to the first paragraph. It appears to be saying the day’s name is St. Tomas of Galleywood's?

3rd Paragraph

This year, Emily bought an intruiging book, purchased with the intention of lightening the dark hours in the evening, which, with no electricity bill outstanding, really meant covering the empty space inside. ---- I don’t understand how not having any electricity bill outstanding, really means covering the empty space inside – I’m lost LOL

Ch1

The closer we zoom-in, the more the cobble-stone passages open up to take us further into this nest of ancient civilisation. ---- should there be an ‘an’ before ancient?…I’m not sure

When you mention - A diverse crowd of animals lived in Normsville, - then use ‘they’ after I was unsure if the ‘they’ only referred to animals. I was unsure if the town also had humans – I also thing a ‘diverse crowd of animals’ is very vague as to what type of animals – I could not vision these animals eating, getting ready for bed ect, assuming that is what the ‘they’ refer to and it is not until the last pagagraph we appear to have a bear, but it still leaves open the question as to what type of other animals live in Normsville.

Ch2

He was his own Father . . .---- that made no sense to me.

Good luck with it.

Normsville. A Phoenix Lit.Fict. crit.

An intriguing pitch, and an allegorical story is promised, which seems full of potential.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I cant help noticing nits -hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. Blowing raspberries - I enjoy that touch. And with hindsight, feel you're sending out a strong message...
Emily is home at last, on a special night - and then suddenly, in the very next paragraph, the scene has switched to a market place, and back again. A bit disconcerting!
But you have some memorable turns of phrase: 'chopped up harmonies from a street choir' and 'the narrow walls receded to clothe her in a mantle of familiarity.' They almost make sense.

Unnecessary words to search out, and when omitted, would improve the flow and refine the content of your story: really, very, almost, instantly. (Ch.3) eventually, frequently, often, even, seem, just, virtually, already, suddenly.

Prologue: I love that scene of Emily chatting comfortably to Rupert.
Perhaps you could think about curbing some of the richly multiplied adjectives and adverbs? I know this is a literary work, but you dont want to satiate your readers - however, that's only my opinion!
That said - I just love the humourous image you create of pouring hot water over the tea-leaves.

Ch.2. If you joined those two sentences together, of the proudly well-kept houses, gardens and pavements, would it be less stilted?

Then you drift from present to past tense - still in remote authorial viewpoint), and back and forth, again.
I think you mean icy water.
And so - what's behind the Gate?

Ch.3. That first philosophical allegory of a paragraph is a bit of a mind boggler.
Your polite treatment of your reader is a quaint and appealing style of writing. Different, at this day and age.
I'm warming to the amiable TO and his endearing fumblings, and am becoming lulled into the gentle flow ofyour style.
'Smoky voice'? Wonder what that sounds / smells like? Then you have quite a long convoluted sentence.
Now, you've drifted from past into the pluperfect tense. All those 'had's make the flow stutter.

Ch.4. Oh - now we're beginning the story. That's an awful long preamble!
You draw out poor TO's agony with humourous strokes sweat and prevarication, but isnt Otto being rather impatient - for a friend?
I dont know why, but I have to read just one morechapter.
This ludicrous situation must surely lead to something...

Ch.5. I like that picture of the latticed windows watching him, and I realise I must stop wondering what's going to happen to Beaver, and go along with TO on his nonsensical visit to the museum, to meet his childhood 'in the womb of his knowledge'. Where DO you find expressions like those?
You never know what's going to happen next in this meandering tale, and I'm succumbing to its cheeky charm.
A tsunami of boxed-up memories - the the tension finding some discharge. Just like that.
Sight, sound, touch, smell. 'A sensation of odd stomach followed this discovery.' Did you really mean to say that? TO must be getting tipsy.
And the Hall of Frame - great unveiled humour in your amazing description of the town's forefathers signalling the promise of lasting intimidation.
When did Theo have his first drink of water? Did I miss something?.
Then the twitchy pelican with nervous feathers. My oh my.
Is this a sort-of take on Pooh Bear, I wonder?

I will come back tomorrow. Cant keep away.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Ame - for what its worth - here's my first wave of thought:
Hi Ame - just read the first four chapters and must immediately confess this is not my kind of book. Actually, I don't know if this is a kind of book. It's a one-off, and if there is a code, I don't feel I have the key. First I thought the protagonist was the lonely reader. Then I wondered if it was the bear. Then you tell us the story is only just beginning - and I'd already read three chapters! What were they for, then? Sorry if I sound grumpy but you are writing for a passionate admirer of Orwell, and with 'Animal Farm' I knew what I was getting. I agree with cheesehoven that at times it is somewhat arch in tone [which has contributed to the grumpy flavour of this comment]... I want to know more about the metaphor of Normsville and its inhabitants, so I can unlock the secrets of this story. And like previous readers, I am a little allergic to prologues. Can't the beginning just be the beginning? This has been a PLC comment from Fan K [and I may return when I see what else is being said on the forum] so DONT MIND ME.

PLC Review NORMSVILLE Trilogy - Bear Essentials (Book 1)
Title: Rather overlong and confusing. Normsvfille is perhaps too close to both Pleasantville and Dullsville.
Cover: Very attractive.
Short pitch: Intriguing, but perhaps not enough to grab me.
Long Pitch: Some very interesting ideas, but longwinded. Did you need the preamble “Fable and Odyssey for the 21st century. In this tale animals play actors in a life- drama”? I think the reader should believe the animals are real characters rather than ‘playing’ them.
So far the title “trilogy”, the introductory quote and the prologue have all led me to think the author is pretentious. Perhaps unfairly.
Text: I very much like the opening lines before prologue, but I must admit on a personal note that it would be a relief to read someone actually start a novel with ‘chapter one’. I did wonder what purpose the prologue had and if, indeed, it added anything.
After this, we get a leisurely description of the town. All this is mildly interesting, but I wondered if this was the best way to begin. The landscape is so far unpeopled so why should I care about any of these things? All of this is to show how unexceptionally Normsville is.
“Wait for it” I must admit that I do find the tone of the writing at some points a bit condescending. The “are you sitting comfortably, children, then I’ll begin” tone is ok at the start but it wears thin. I looked at the description and no mention of children’s literature was made; indeed, it is classified specifically under adult.
In “the person” we are introduced to the main character, albeit obliquely. It is not until section 4 that the story begins. This seems to me to be too long to wait and I would have bailed out before now. The problem for me is, as Harehound has stated, a lack of tension.
The character of Theo, when he arrives, is likewise unremarkable. Although the idea of a bear shaving is an exquisite detail, I do however question as to why the need for animals at all? The story as it appears now is a well worn one: someone struggling for identity in a conformist town. Is the animal allegory a gimmick to make it seem more original than it is?

Hello Ame-

book- Normsville Triology-Beat essentials book 1-

What an original idea for a story and what a delightful one it has turned out to be-
A feel good adventure if ever there was one as Theo takes us on a rollicking run in Normsville-

I found it to be a warm novel , written for all age groups and full of light fantasy-

brilliant and highly recommended-

tom bye
book
from hugs to kisses'
Read any chapter in mine and enjoy the fantasy and humour
ll

Hello Ame-

book- Normsville Triology-Beat essentials book 1-

What an original idea for a story and what a delightful one it has turned out to be-
A feel good adventure if ever there was one as Theo takes us on a rollicking run in Normsville-

I found it to be a warm novel , written for all age groups and full of light fantasy-

brilliant and highly recommended-

tom bye
book
from hugs to kisses'
Read any chapter in mine and enjoy the fantasy and humour
ll

PLC review (1st glance) Normsville

There is a slowly opening promise here of something interesting witty,fun and well just maybe good to boot. I like the way our intrepid two steps on the stairs at a time Emily is just discarded as a character with complete confidence and aplomb.

I like the easy description of Normsville as a cleverly done right wing fantasy idyll and I particularly like the way the first two paragraphs in chapter 3 dance their deferment so delicately. Now up to this point I like the pace of things, the ease of transition, and the confident writing.

After this though I feel the pace is somehow lost and I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it means the transition hasn't actually been achieved or maybe it's something to do with the tale telling itself I'm not sure yet, and of course it may well suddenly pull itself together as I read on which I will.


Jim Barrass

Ame,
I think your synopsis is clear and intriguing. Well done. Judging from the synopsis, I’d gather you have a good grip on the story’s overall structure.

I love these bits of action you describe in clipped sentences, the way they tie one paragraph to the next, they’re like an incidental story sneaking in from the background. ‘From there to the kitchen, and kettle on.’ then ‘Tea from caddy, kettle on the boil.’ and ‘Cup, spoon and fridge.’ Very nice.

I’m fascinated by the premise, and fanciful details of the story. I like it that characters in Normsville are held in high regard for undoing knots, by whatever means they can. I thought that was amusing. I like the animal characters. They’re so much easier to visualize, than people. By the end of the second chapter, I was eager for some dialogue. I skipped ahead, found some, and liked it very much. This is a very original story.

Highly recommended.
Rodney Jonez

Dear Ame

I have read chapter one, and the best part of chapter eleven of your book,and some parts in between. I am interested that your target readership is adult, since I feel your story would appeal to children of all ages! We all appreciate puns, children included. It might help you to consider this book from a more child like perspective.

Then, the poetry that you write with such brilliance and depth of feeling would find a home in a book that was simpler, rather guileless. You do not need to be too clever, for a story of this originality to find an audience. Your story is original. It has real interest and flair, and lots of imagination. You are a talented writer.

I would love this book to be targeted at children, and also read by parents - such beautiful passages to read aloud - which parents could love too. It could work on several levels. Changing your focus from "adult" to "child" would also help to clarify which strengths in your writing you wish to focus on.

All the very best. Rated.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

Ame,

I really enjoyed this charming tale - from the hospitable cup of tea to the welcoming introduction. I was completely set at ease to follow the lead of the story-teller. And what a tale she tells - inviting the reader to take an intimate look at Normsville and it’s residents.

After having read through chapter six, I now suspect that Theo will continue his quest to find the answers to his hidden past. You have me completely intrigued. And poor Belinda, I have to find out if Theo returns to her.

The story is told with a voice of kindness and patience. I loved the tone. And as to be expected, your writing is laced with beautiful sentences. A couple of my favorites were: (but, of course, there were many more…
“The old blade of silence cut through a dimly-lit corridor…”
“Hanging onto this story like a thick rope…”

I am very impressed by the story itself and by your artistic way of telling it. It is pure pleasure.

I found a couple easy changes to make. One was in chapter two: Did you really mean windy road or winding?

And Chapter three
“Usuall(y) referred to as T.O. Bear…”
Will I be like (himone) day?
He followed the sound of his nose? Should that be, “sound with his ears or scent with his nose?”

I will be back to find out what happens to Theo and Belinda! Highly starred.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Nicely done, friend! I really enjoyed entering this magical world:)
My only suggestion would be to let the reader in on the details of Tom's and Belinda's reunion. I worried about her well-being during the whole story - kept thinking that bad things were happening since he had left her in that state. I wanted to savor their reunion, and know how she came to forgive him!
Your writing is simply beautiful!
Best of luck with this friend....Ruby

Beautifully written - into Chap. 9 now. one little error- jobsatisfaction needs a space...still reading:)

Charming story....enjoying it. Just stopped in middle of 3 to let you know that in the 2nd paragraph 'usuall' is missing y - unless that was intentional:) Also in 3, cozy was spelled 'cosy', although that might be correct in UK? Need a space between "Will I be like himone day?".

Chap. 4- In US 'ghoul' is the correct spelling- perhaps different spelling there?...Still reading..
Will start Chap.7 tomorrow...anxious to learn what happens next! Backed and highly starred! Ruby

This is a fascinating read! It is original. I like your style of writing. You draw the reader right in, and a person can't help but turn the pages to see what is to be seen next. Great job with this! It definitely needs more exposure. Have you joined any of the groups in the forum to help others see this? Try it, and see if you can't garner some attention!

Sincerely,

D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Allegory!
It's been a while since I read anything in this genre, and I have to say I was delightfully rewarded! The dream-like nature of this narrative allows for greater clarity as it also obscures. Not only did you draw out the spiritual side of things in human nature, you successfully spoke about these things in the context of modern British culture. You do it so well at times, that it would be hard to talk about the irony of things in the real world if you didn't use allegory. However, at some points the symbolism (the three monuments and three monkeys in particular) seemed incidental and without context. They acted like miniature allegory in the midst of your greater story which were appreciated in their own right. Could they have been better integrated, like the toy factory? Tom interacted with it and because he did it had bearing on the story.

Anthropomorphism!
I work with this metaphor as well; the beast in man and the man in beasts. I liked what you did with it. You turned the bear nature (the beast side) into something lovable, that was once something embarrassing to Tom. I liked your subtle jabs at the practice of hair removal in our culture, and the pathological need to cover over ourselves with an image. I also liked your wide choice of animals to depict different personalities. You avoided the "Watership Down" aspect of Anthro Lit of having the animals exist within the context of a human world. I liked how the cows and even the bugs had jobs, however menial and exploitative.

Question:
Why did you include the Prologue/Epilogue? They're so different, and while I like wit of having a plushy animal audience, I don't know why you didn't just dive in there. Is it a bridge into the next two novels? And while I personally understand the incredible strength of tiny seeds in a person's mind, I don't think you can convey that strength without showing a little root already cracking the surface… but then that's in book two, right?

Grammar/Spelling/Format Flotsum:
You had a handful of words that were squashed together when usually they stand in two separate parts (like 'boardgames' and 'buttersauce'), and at least one homonym blunder ('reaked'). Grammar: a couple of connecting words left out, which is nothing. There was some unruly paragraphs, with the enter button thrown in the middle by mistake, making the break-up of sections hard to follow rationally: I managed alright with my intuition. Your original plan for the sand-like blips at the zen garden were lost: they were a right tangle.

My Favourite Bit:
Wisdom. Thank you for her: I now understand why people reacted to me the way they did while I was living in the UK, me and my democratic candour. Can I give you a kiss for Tom as well?
– Bea B. ~How the Double Blade Was Forged~

Just read the first chapter...you win:) I'll be back for more asap! x Ruby

It Speaks for itself.... Marvellous

this is a well paced, well written piece of writing. effective narrative helps to tell your tale, very well done...
l shall back...
read SEASONS///

This is an unusual story and you deserve a good deal of credit for that fact alone, but this book is beautifully written. The description of scenes and characters is of a very high standard. I wish you the very best of luck with this.
Yours Bea

Hi Ame,
Intriguing is spelt wrong in the opening paragraphs.
You never guess – I think this should be ‘you’ll never guess’
This is absolutely delightful! I think that’s the best word for it. I really loved the opening chapter; your writing voice is so unique. The second and third chapters didn't quite live up to the charm of the first, although they are still really good. Very descriptive.
Starred highly
Tammy Robinson

I'm loving the unique voice and energy that you instill your first paragraph with. There is power in the simple elegance of your language. The perspective through which you choose to tell your tale could easily become a tired narration, but it is not - there is a sensitivity and quiet confidence to the voice. There is something here that reminds me of the movie "The Truman Show" - a town almost too perfect - where something is about to happen to break its silent serenity. I enjoyed reading through chapter three and would be happy to have continued reading. This is good stuff - but it stands out from the crowd because of your unique voice.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

It's crisp and fresh writing. I love the winds of changing blowing raspberries bit in the very beginning. I also like Emily's character and her reason to buy a book, "Lighting the dark hours..." You sound very poetic when you write and I like it! I didn't see anything as far as grammar, but I'm not an expert. I'll be back for more, this holds a lot of promise. Good luck with it!


Ashley
"Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket"

This is one of the most unusual books on this site. I enjoyed the complexity and the wonderful allegories and metaphores. So hard to categorise, that's why I like it. Sometimes childlike, sometimes sophisticated but always so well written. Such an odd, slightly disturbing world you create. I shall have to read this again and enjoy working it all out. Very good read.

LF40 review

‘NORMSVILLE Book 1 – Bear Essentials’

I apologise that it has taken so long to produce this review. This has not been a straightforward read - there is considerable complexity here.
Title – It works as a play on words, catchy and quite original (though there are a number of websites and teddy shops of that name!).
Cover – As an Authonomy cover it works but it wouldn’t make me grab it off a crowded table but that’s personal taste.
Short pitch – A touch too cognitively demanding, perhaps, for an immediate hook.
Long pitch – Fable, odyssee, saga – do you need all three? (I would spell it ‘odyssey’ but is your version is Germanic?). Again the pitch requires a fair amount of ‘unpacking’ and could be punchier but it still intrigues me enough to go on. It should ‘sell’ more than describe contents.
Prologue/Ch 1 – prologues are often confusing and laden with allusion, giving a flavour, a hook, a suggestion of mysterious enticing things. Yours does this but it is an extraordinary blend of the inscrutable and the lightweight. At one point we are tracking recognisable ordinariness in relatively simple language and the next decoding rather complex sentence structure and unusually placed vocabulary. I found myself back-footed intellectually, unsure whether to enjoy a ‘relaxing’ read or to prepare myself for a literary tour de force, challengingly full of allusions, metaphors and inscrutable syntax. The differing styles give the impression of multiple voices and I wasn’t sure ‘who’ to follow as key narrator. This ‘unattachment’ is compounded by a change of tense from present in the first paragraph, to past in subsequent sections (and non-specific tense, e.g. ‘Tea from caddy. Kettle on the boil’). Personally, I quite liked the quasi randomness – it felt risky, distinctive and worth grasping but did you have a mass market in mind?
As to a ‘hook’, it could be stronger perhaps than ‘here’s a story I’m going to tell’.
Odd choice of word in ‘being as no one else will show up’, wouldn’t she say ‘seeing as’?
Unnecessary comma in ‘It turned out, that she wanted to sell a book’. I’ve been criticised for using too many commas and spot a similar pattern, e.g. ‘It was a Bear-Story, and I bought it, because…’ (also are capitals and the hyphen necessary?).

The ‘craziness’ of the lonely woman talking to her teddies is endearing and likely to be popular (I am reminded of Miranda Hart’s humour).

Ch 2 – ‘windy’ is that winding or exposed to wind? Harbour.
‘…solid iron barring entry’, personally I’d put a comma after iron.
‘as the beyond was rumoured’ – land beyond/what lies beyond?
Typos: icey/icy, littlebit/little bit, selfawareness/self-awareness, dinnerplates/dinner plates, selfcritique/self-critique, or was that deliberate? (Germanic structure?)
‘It was free and use as part of every citizen’s responsibilities was generally recommended’ sounds awkward.
Again we slip from readily understood phrasing to complex structure in ‘A clean and orderly Gestalt, whom nobody could fault, was the target of this investigation, and…’ I had to read this a few times to de-construct this whole paragraph.
I find the tense changes disconcerting in this chapter – present to past.
The chapter starts with a ‘small town’ but it has a ‘city wall’ and later it is described as a hamlet. Having trouble visualising it.
While picking up the allegorical theme and some of the allusions I ended chapter 2 feeling I must be missing a lot happening here. A curiosity as to what lies beyond the gate draws me on.

Ch 3 – The opening two paragraphs put me in mind of tackling a complex cryptic crossword – meanings emerging as much, or more, from the readers knowledge base and unconscious connections than from words on the page.
The narrative style shifts disconcertingly, again in the descriptive sections and back story that follows.
I like – ‘looking beyond the dishes and the kitchen sink to a land above the clouds…’
The dialogue/action within the descriptive material varies the pace and shifts the balance more towards ‘show’ rather than ‘tell’.
‘He dreamed to be a part of a large family’ – ‘of being’ or ‘longed to be a part’.
‘Caught like a kipper’ – a filleted and smoked herring? ‘Done up like a kipper’ I’ve heard before or ‘caught like a trout’. Interesting imagery.
‘his job was to ensure ethical practices and fair trade being maintained during…’ – a little cumbersome? ‘was to safeguard ethical practices and fair trade during…’?
‘found himself mumbling something like, he had to think about it…’ – had to read this again. Perhaps ‘…mumbling something like “I’ll have to think about it”…’
A touch more direct dialogue would enable me to get under the fur of Theo and Belinda and feel more involvement.

Ch 4 – Amusing scenes of a panda shaving and getting himself ready in the morning and in the confusion during hypnosis.
Typo – a vengenance/vengeance.
‘…state of mind, - a trance -, where that person…’ either comma or hyphen?
‘behaving utterly stupid’/’stupidly’ (adv.).
Comma placement – ‘One thing he didn’t know was, that Otto who had been fishing all night, finally found…’ Move comma from after ‘was’ to after ‘Otto’.
‘Ghoal’/’ghoul’.
The action/dialogue scenes give a better pace and more connection with the plot for me.

Ch 5 - In general, I feel an edit to remove/streamline some of the more awkward sentence structure would help – e.g. ‘He found that the bun was dry and got stuck in his teeth’ probably has more impact if ‘he found that’ was dropped/replaced or linked with some other shortened phrase (e.g. tying in his ‘fed up and annoyed’ response).
‘A river of tears ran along his nose and not long before they jumped from his cheeks’ – something missing, perhaps ‘it was’ after ‘and’, or cut out ‘not long before they’.
‘Being as he was’/’seeing as he was’? (‘Being’ here implies a characteristic of Theo e.g. ‘being as he was a patient bear’ whereas ‘seeing’ implies a circumstance around him, I feel, e.g. ‘seeing as he was already late’).
‘Lightly klicking sound’/’light clicking sound’.
‘A sensation of odd stomach’ – a strange feeling in his stomach?
Suspension of disbelief over the issue of animals functioning as humans was occasionally shattered, as in ‘he dropped the amulet key into the woman’s hoof’ - it broke the flow trying to visualise the key not just falling off onto the floor.

Ch 6 – ‘That’s were the comparison ended’/’where’.
‘“darting about.” he thought.’ Comma instead of stop.
‘leavy shadows’/leafy shadows.
‘Congratulations and wish you luck for the future’/either ‘good luck’ or ‘I wish’?

It’s taken some time to read and review this as I am not sure what mode I should be in to interpret it. Should I respond to it as part allegory, part fairy tale, part fantasy, a commentary on social norms and their dictatorial power? The mix of linguistic styles throws me. Once the grammatical, etc., errors are ironed out the real quality of the writing will shine through. This is a book for those who are prepared to dig beneath the surface and the rewards are there. It would help the reader if some of that ‘surface’ could be thinned a little with some careful editing, leaving the entertaining allegory and allusion in place.
I feel this is a book I would like to carry round with me, reading sections here and there and placing it down to absorb its richness.
I had some trouble engaging with the main characters and would have liked to hear a little more from Emily in early chapters and compare her reactions to Theo’s tale with my own. This would have ‘normalised’ my response to the story and confirmed whether I was ‘getting it’ or not.
A unique and fascinating book. Thank you for a very enjoyable and challenging read.


Nick
‘Where She Lies’

LF40

Hi Ame,

Started this today. Like the new Title.
Read the prologue and chapter 1.

I catch a lot of the allusions, but I'm sure not all. I Like the humour of 'Blowing Rasperries' and I see the 'Gordian Knot' of Alexander. I wanted to see more. But I had a problem. I realise, like my own, this is a piece that will work for some and not others and to a large extent that can't be helped. But even with my own I made some structural changes to aid readers. I can't say for certain if they were 100% right, but I had a mind to try it and it seems to have helped somewhat. With me it was the paragraphing issue. What I feel with your porologue and chapter 1 is that I lose the engagement in a certain voice between the two.

I'm not someone for or against Prologues per se, but in your case I would think about moving it into chapter 1, with a different font from the rest maybe, but for me, that would have taken me into the story telling in a readily engaged way. When I started your chapter 1 I was not really able to adjust to the voice and lost myself in the reading for that reason. And that's a shame.

I would suggest further, that you have 'The Town and the People' read out by Emily [nice name for the character btw] in the part that is now the Prologue so that the reader has some 'hang' into the meat of what is your chapter 1. Then at the start of every paragraph consider the classical grammar form of an opening quote mark ["] so the reader stays in the voice of Emily and develops her lilt in their mind as the story is told.

My comment is rather technical because of the problem I had, personally, which made it harder for me to absorb more of the actual story, which was though told in clearly a nice fairy story way. But I think you can fix it. Try a version perhaps as I suggest for yourself on paper and see how it looks and how it might help keep the reader engaged.

Of course, mine is a personal view, and I see other reviewers have not had my problem. But it is nice when a small structural change, rather than a change of words or content can possibly do a lot for you. I think my suggestion would aid as well the, what I think is, intended whimsy of the style.
---

Okay. Had a second read through chapter 1. Bear in mind the problems of focus reading on the screen to discount against my earlier comment. I think this is one of those books I would manage a lot better with in my hand.

My second reading went a lot better. I picked up a lot of the ideas.

I liked the 'Come closer...' - that worked well. I like the 3 meanings of the monuments

I still got a little lost in the penultimate paragraph. It's a very different style of book and one that maybe, for me, will take a little tuning into. I do struggle with unique voices sometimes.

Line notes/suggestion:
I would lose the brackets and just separate with commas

it was free and its use as [second 'its' helps me to see correct form of 'use' in my reading]

a transforming spectacle would occur

Chapter 2

Typo
( and tie)
(and tie)

Like this
(trying to charm his life with a magical name)

Typo
(" I wasn't being nosy)
"I wasn't being nosy

The line
(Will there be enough left) is preceeded by a full stop.

I am still struggling a bit between the whimsy and the deeper meanings. I can't quite find the voice to work in my head. I see you have dialog in this chapter, making my earlier suggestion on structure a little harder to use here. I still need to feel Emily more to flow with the piece, myself. I feel I would really like to gel into this but am held away a little by not being able to settle into a rhythm and voice. I think again the reading on the screen holds me back. This is a book that needs to be read peacefully, thoughtfully, and then reflected upon


Ame, I ought to add I think, and reiterate, I do sometimes have difficulty bedding in with more unique voices in prose. I didn't manage well with Lara's and Julia's on my first reading, and both those are pretty well loved by most who read them, but when I understood more what they were doing and trying to do I could then adjust my ear so to speak and saw better how their books worked. The fact that I can't settle into Normsville should mean very little to you. I wish I could so I could study the ideas more.

20/6/11

Chapters 4 and 5

You were right, the reading flows more from this point and I can get along with it a lot more easily. But I still have the overall feeling of not being able to find the voice in my head. I know it's still Emily telling the story, but I don't 'hear' her sufficiently to give me the flow I personally need to fully engage with this.

This is a personal suggestion, and really just a thought as I see others have no problems, but maybe each chapter could be introduced with some activity of Emily who is pausing, maybe taking some tea or something, talking to the toys, and then she begins again the story. I'm not saying that's a good idea, just an idea. But it might help readers to take a little stock and keep engaged. Also Emily could say a few things to help the reader along maybe. I don't know where or how Emily re-emerges in this, so it might not be a practical suggestion, and, like mine, you might not really want such practicalities to disrupt the flow of what you are doing.

I'm sorry this wasn't a more useful review. Again, like mine, this will work well for some, and others will not be able to engage as you might wish. It's for you to decide if you want to try to actively engage more of a readership, or if you want to continue the vision you have.

I know other LF40 reviewers will give you much better feedback than I have been able to.

I wish you all the best with this.

John

Hi Ame,

One of the nice things about Authonomy is t hat it force one to look at books outside one's comfort zone. And how, in this case !

I can't say anything that should be interpreted as criticism (whether good or bad) because I don't have any criteria by which to judge your book; indeed I struggle to know who the target readers may be. Evidently you are writing at several levels: partly for children (I imagine, though I don't know what age group) and partly for adults who will understand the sly allusions and allegorical elements. This uncertainty makes it difficult to judge the language, which in places seems sophisticated and overwrought, especially for a younger reader.

The prologue seems to be a frame for the following narrative which occurs as an object within that frame. If I am right, it implies different narrators and one would expect a change of voice between prologue and what follows, but I didn't detect it and that made me a little uncertain how to place the main narrative relative to the prologue (perhaps explained later, but it should be clear initially). The first two chapters of the story seemed to comprise mainly scene-setting and backstory and that does not drive the pace forward or hook the reader. To paraphrase Raymond Chandler: I was waiting for a bear with a gun to bust the door down.

I've scanned the comments and I can see you have some enthusiastic readers, and I am certainly not one to say they are wrong. To return to where I came in, I am at sea in evaluating this book. I can only wish you good luck with it.

I guess these comments just cost me a backing for my own book... sigh. Never mind.

Big smiles and good wishes

Jim

LF40 Review

I wasn’t sold on the long pitch – to me, it reads more like a synopsis than a pitch. I was looking for a little more tension or drama in the piece. A little more story telling, maybe?

The Prologue: I noticed a little typo “you never guess” should probably be you’ll never….

I read the prologue to chapter 6, This is a very distinctive and unusual book and I think I can see what you are aiming to achieve and in many ways you do achieve it, but for me there was a cost. I didn’t immediately become hooked into the story. I found elements of the opening chapters overly whimsical and the prose occasionally stilted and over-written, leading to an awkwardness. To be fair, I didn’t find the prose stilted in later chapters. It seemed assured and smooth, so either I acclimatised to your style or the problem lies in the opening of the book. Indeed, by the end of chapter 6 I had begun to warm to the tribulations of Theo/Tomas Bear and found the book less arch than I did at the beginning, but in real life I doubt I would have read on that far.

My ambivalence about the book may be clearer from the comments I noted down on individual chapters:

Chapter 1 – a good opening description but the narrative heads straight to the town with nothing really to hook me in. There are no individual characters to engage with or recognisable story line to follow. All is descriptive. This is an interesting, if for me, not entirely comfortable yoking together of whimsy and soft polemic. Rupert Bear meets a gentler Animal Farm.

Chapter 2 – The Person. The Classics meet Toy Town. Still an awful lot of ‘tell’ rather than ‘show’ to begin with, like a child’s story but….. the Theo and Belinda interlude was nice and direct and involved the reader, then back to ‘tell’ not ‘show’ – an extended children’s tale

Chapter 3 – Theo has to use a hypnotist to test Belinda’s love thinks he sees death and panics. It’s not clear why. Everything feels very unreal and fairy-tale like. My emotions are disengaged.

Chapter 4- Museum, the opening of this chapter hooked me in – Theo remembers why Belinda scared him so –This is the explanation I was lacking in the previous chapter, but it feels like a bolt from the blue. Were there ant previous hints that I missed? Key to amulet – have we come across the amulet before. It seems all very sudden? Another bolt from the blue. Am I missing things or is the narrative missing the opportunity to create a greater sense of drama and things to come? Existential angst in the museum(of himself)

Chapter 5 – Name change time. Does Tomas relate to Harriet Beecher Stowe?

Chapter 6 – Toy Town philosophy. Sophie’s World meets Winnie The Pooh.

In summary, I can see that this is largely well crafted and extremely thoughtful, but it didn’t really engage with me – that of course may well be down to me and my preferences rather than the book. I can imagine that many others would find this entertaining. I am sorry I didn’t warm to it more than I did.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

Read chapter 11.... and you were right: I DID enjoy it!!

Excellent prologue, I love the way you use language so well, your use of allegories is subtle, the authors voice in the way it speaks to the reader is humorous whilst avoiding condescension. You also have a good tone of phrase, but I fear that your literary subtleties will be lost on most readers.

However I have only read the first three chapters & I picked up on a few minor errors in chapter 3, just before your first break it says 'Hard to imaging' I presume you mean imagine. In the second section near the end, you have a 'tirdly' instead of thirdly?
I also think you seem to lose some of your pace by the end of the third chapter.

I'm going to back you anyway, as I like your originality & writing style. You never know I may get to finish reading it one day!

Animal Town Trilogy – Bear Essentials has one of the best pitches on Authonomy for a book of this genre. I doubt anyone will be able to resist reading the book. Emily is rushing home to her cozy, albeit lonely flat. But she has Rupert a trusted bear, loyal and constant―it couldn’t be better. Or could it? After a cup of tea, she reads a book and not just any book. “I hope we’ll cover some bare essentials . .” she says to a row of teddies. Normsville: there is an art to storytelling where a writer can successfully draw in an audience and bears. I sit comfortably and lean forward in anticipation. I am intrigued and absorbed. “Contribute or thou shalt not eat” is the Normsville slogan and sums up a puritan feel―food for the cost of work. The hamlet is beautifully described as well as the whispers beyond the gate. A great hook! High stars for a unique plot. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Hello Ame
Thank you for drawing my attention to your interesting story. I read the first few chapters. You write well and conjure up an atmosphere that draws one into this world you've created. Imaginative. Good descriptions and dialogue. It's the sort of story that I think probably would need to be read more than once to get its layers of meaning. Well done!
Fr. Ambrose
"The Holy innocents"

Ame,
This is a novel which you read and reflect back on to try and understand the intended meaning of what's transpired. "Animal Town Trilogy" is one of those books you don't easily forget once you're done with it. The animal characters certainly bring to mind people I know and the occurrences have parallels in today's world. The undercurrent of humour and your poetic bent are delightful touches. Thanks for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Initially, I skipped the prologue. After reading the rest, I went back and read it as well. I think readers should not skip it, as it lends a layer of flavor to the rest. It's easier to imagine it when I can picture someone reading it to an audience of toys, if that makes sense. Probably it doesn't; this isn't my genre.

It reminds me of a children's story, in a way. I read Animal Farm as a very young girl, and I relished it, of course not having much understanding about the political satire involved. Now I have a similar feeling, that there is a far deeper meaning here and I was too busy enjoying the tale to catch it. This (at least this portion) would read very lyrically as a bedtime story, I think, even though it clearly means more than this.

I spotted a few typos which have probably been mentioned already with so many comments. In Ch 3 you have Tirdly instead of Thirdly, and an arithmatic that should be arithmetic. And there were a couple of confusing paragraphs, for example in Ch 11 where you are discussing the fact that a letter could be missing from the sign, the phrasing is unclear and could use a bit of brushing up.

Overall, very poetic. Nice use of words and sentiments. I was rooting for Theo (aka Tom) the whole way and I'm glad he found what he needed out there. I wish more people could say the same.

the variety of books on here continues to amaze me. i was expecting a kids book after reading the intro, instead we get a sophisticated opening bringing much depth to the characters. was planning to read on but uv just locked it for editing! hope this comes back online soon! x

Hi A.M.E.

I read through to chapter 7 and jumped ahead to meet the fairy in chapter 14. This is a ture fairytale, a work of whimsy on the surface, but containing a series of lessons to be learned. There is a tradition of anthromorphic treatment stemming from the `Parliament of Fowles' and extending to Wind in Willows, and perhaps even Watership Down and Animal Farm. The work doesn't seem to me to be allegorical, but more designed for entertainment and gentle instruction. As a tale, story-telling takes a primary role, and the simplicity of the dialogue consistent with the genre as an adult I found difficult. But this is just me and I am sure there is a market for this treatment. There is an obvious intelligence at work within the exposition sections with a humorous intent, a certain tongue-in-cheekiness which this treatment allows and will appeal to many readers.

I believe you write very well and this tale is delightfully wrought. All the best with it.

Brian