GLORY...THE HAIR

Hi Sandra,
This has been on my WL for ages, don’t know why it has taken me so long to get to it. Sorry.
I like both Troy and Jennifer. I enjoy their relationship and the background that goes with it. They seem very young and naïve, but in an endearing sense.

I do wonder if the chick lit tag works. I think the religious undertone doesn’t work for the genre. The religious aspect is fine, actually well-handled but not common place in chick lit. Perhaps you would get more reads if you removed the tag (sorry if that sounds critical, it’s not meant to be, I just can’t phrase it better).

I don’t really see the problem with writing it in the present tense. I personally am not a fan (just cause I find it too difficult to write) but I don’t think it takes from your story at all.

This possibly one of the most unique pieces I have read on this site. Not easy to come up with something new in the writing world so well done.

Janny

Thank you Sandra for backing my book 'Jonny Dark'. I have added your book, 'Glory the Hair' to my W/L. yours,'H'.

- Glory, the Hair -

(Based on chapters 1-4)

I liked the tone of this, the superficiality of the characters and the sardonic current running throughout. There are some witty turns of phrase in there: "Till death does her part." "Jennifer is just about a vegetarian...." And I did enjoy the characters' tendency to suddenlybreak off from whatever they where thinking to marvel at Jennifer's hair. I did have a feeling at some stages that I wasn't quite getting the joke, that I couldn't grasp the subtext as well as I would like. But I often have a problem with subtext so it could just be me.

I enjoyed the relationship between Jennifer and Troy and the background to it too. It was perhaps in the switching between religious conversations and the more superficial, humorous segments that I felt I hadn't quite grasped the message though. I have a feeling it's a comment on people who claim to be religious being phoney and invested in other things. I could be wrong :-/

Some typose in case the author is interested:

Chapter one:
-"You know Jennifer." (missing comma before 'Jennifer')
-"He knows that she's not use to bad hair days." ('used to')
-"but Troy's hearts is warmed by her appearance." ('heart')

Chapter three:
"You're not jealous are you Luke." (missing comma before 'are' and question mark at the end. The sensence which follows this is also missing a question mark.)

I didn't have an issue with the story itself being in the present tense. I quite liked it. I only thought it would have benefitted from having the background between Jennifer and Troy in the past, to delineate the point in time more clearly. I did get mixed up a couple of times there.

This is one of the more unique works I've read of late. I had to stop reading where I was due to time restraints but I would have liked to have gone further to have found out more on how Jennifer and Shiela come together and their various relationships intertwine.

Highly starred, particularly for the narrative voice.

All the best with it,

Ross

Hi Sandra,

I can see this has potential but it isn't for me. Then I'm not of the gender it was wriiten for. But why present tense. This doesn't suit the story and, while adittedly I've only read a small sample I can't see how you can possibly sustain it for an entire novel.

On the technical side, there is at least one cosing sppech mark missing. Talking of speech marks, when you use quotations within speech, don't use the same type that you use for speech marks, always use the opposite, in this case single quotation marks.

I think if you rewrite this in past tense, it will be much better and it will easier to see thos small typographical errors.

Ron

An odd mix of superficiality and 'deep and meaningful.' I think this might be more successful if you hadn't attempted to write it in present tense, which is difficult to write, and feels unnatural to read. I suggest you try your next novel in standard past tense.
Aside from that, creative and original, few errors that I noticed. To be backed, Marj.

I couldn't figure out why Troy would care so much about her hair. Am I missing something? The characters seem very immature and seem contradictory; one minute talking about something as trivial as hair then speaking of God and going to church. I did read on, hoping to learn why this hair thing is such a big deal. It is written pretty linear but it kept me reading. I will put it on my watch list and keep reading. If you have a moment can you please check out "Breathe for Me".

HAIR

What can I say? It is true and consistent to itself.
It rocks.
And of course it deserves sparkling stars, darling.
Back (combed) for sure.
I wish you the best with it.
a zoomer

nit pic- pedicures are nails too.

Dear Sandra

I started to read your Opus and I thought I would give my two cents worth. Since this is incomplete I will comment on style

The first things that impresses me is the dialogue:

it jumps...it flows....it sparkles

Now many dialogues do that, what is special about yours is that it has a beat. A very clear and bouncing beat. And that adds phase to the dialogue, So if you haven't noticed that, do so, and make sure it stays that way...cause is like music in one's ear

The second thing that strikes me is that you have a wonderful ability to describe process; he does this...he does that. Here I think your education is at hand, there is an almost academic dedication to describe process.....precisely

Some of my favorite phrasings:

"and kind of hangs on it"

"megawatt smile"

"good endings make good beginnings"

"what can you do look in his face"

"that holding grudges preventing God....."

With all these wonderful phrasings; why not more of it?

Every time you add one of this treats, you put candy in the mouth of the reader

specially in the sense of place. For example at the grocery store: why not add a mind image?
ex: "rinse boxes spread in needlepoint formation, their fluorescent shades sparkling with the light bulbs"

Overall, wonderful, 5 stars

Hope it helps

david

Your characters have depth and complexity. Your descriptions are effective. Your narrative is fascinationg. Your dialogue reads authentic and it drives your story forward. Clever plotline. Your pacing held my attention firmly throughout my read. This is captivating inspirational fiction. Backed.

So much depth under the seemingly entertaining story!
Congrats on the heartfelt idea :)

Backed with pleasure,
Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

I'm inclined to agree with mooderino your start is a bit long winded it could be made a lot punchier. By chapter three I had settled in and was enjoying it I got used to the charachters and liked the way you told your tale. Good Luck with it Sue mackender

Knowing Liam Riley

I found the start a little expositional, them telling each other stuff they already knew. I would suggest sticking to him trying to convince her to go to his sister and her defending Shiela without explaining the details of how long she's been going or the details they wouldn't need to tell each other. The reader will pick up the gist, i think.

The relationship between them comes across well, the dynamic is clearly drawn. Their position within this society also feels clear. The tone and voice works well and the writing flows well and is easy to read. Backed.

It ios extremely difficult to write an interesting story about a hair salon, but you got it right. The only other one I can think of is Shampoo. Well done!

Loved it, I wish you all the best with it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronciles book one

Real chick-lit, so I'm a little out of my depth but I found it positive and intelligent!
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book
Could you also have a read (if you haven't done so) of 'Moonbeam Highway' by Tim Chambers, a wonderful book that at present sits on the Ed's desk.

Your highly descriptive writing style makes your finely crafted, insperational story a pleasure to read. Your work is well paced and well written. Your use of imagery is excellent and your dialogue is tight and realistic. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

You are so totally fantastic, Sandra! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Dear Sandra, I love most of all that you quotes the verse that is after the Lord's prayer, "if you don't forgive, neither will your Father which is in Heaven forgive you your sins" :) - wonderful that you had the message in your story. ;) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

Some say you can't start with dialogue, but this takes us straight into the characters, grabbing us immediately. I'm obviously not your target reader but can recognise when something is done well.

I like your story because it's a story line that you don't see, but girls understand... regardless of race! I like Jennifer's character. It is happily backed

Thanks
Denise

Would you mind taking a look at my book, "Road to Redemption: From Cop's Daughter to Convicted Felon"?

Can't you just see this in a hairdresser's reception. the subject is just quirky enough for me.
I have backed it.
Keep writing.
A zoomer- a boomer with Zip
Going Out in Style

Very impressive and very intelligent.
I think how you structure this with such briliiant characters is fantastic!!
Great read, very well told!

This is interesting, engaging and intelligent chick lit. I think you've done a good job of creating a compelling cast of characters and they help carry the story along wonderfully. With a quick polish to remove errors (mostly comma errors) this would be the kind of thing I'd expect to pick off the shelf in a store.

Brilliant work!

Abi xxx

This has everything you could ask for from Chick Lit.

Best of luck with it.

Tim Chambers aka bonalibro
Moonbeam Highway

This has everything you could ask for from Chick Lit.

Best of luck with it.

Tim Chambers aka bonalibro
Moonbeam Highway

Other women will want to read this for same reasons as I did - it's something we might experience in future if we haven't already. Anyway, hair's fascinating. But I was feeling self-righteous when I started on it and prepared to sneer at Jennifer's superficiality. How wrong can you get? This is serious while being very entertaining. Backed. Lynn

This is a great story. My wife has the same fear that a hairdresser will cut her hair too short - she goes crazy if it happens - so this premise really popped out at me. Your writing style makes this an easy story to read. Really enjoyed it. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This was interesting and kind of fun! I like your writing style and it was easy to read. An interesting subject for a book but it works! Great job.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Fascinating entertainment. Shelved.
At first I thought, 'This Jennifer is unbearable',
then I got to like her, but I was waiting all the time for
THE HAIR disaster, maybe you could bring it forward to Ch 1?
And why not have more people, including the men, obsessed
with their hair, or lack of it.
Best of luck with it.........mikegilli The Free

Backed: Very Intriguing.. I thought I would just be reading a comedy or something, but it wasn't I loved the scene at church. You brought the real spirit of the message in a book about hair. I love your book. .. got caught up.. the characters....Best for you Cookie.

I started to read you because I never thought a book could be writen with hair as the central theme. halfway through I was quite taken in by the richness of it all. Your characters are full bodied. The only one I like so far is the waiter (he has a nice honest feel to him). I have only read chapter one so I have no idea how it will turn out with the har and all that. But all I can say is that you've got something there. I would read it, shaking my head all the way to the end, that an entire novel was writen on hair and damn I actually read it!

Sampson's hair was his glory . . . and look what happened to him . . . Wondering how it's all going to pan out!
Backed.
Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

I wasn't sure what to think of this at first, especially when it started out with so much dialogue. BUT...the more I read, the more I found myself smiling as I went along. Good read.

Lockjaw

Thank you so much. I shall do the same.

Hi Sandra
An original idea. I'm keen to find out what happens in the courtroom. I read the first chapter not really sure what to expect, but I found myself liking it. Am going to WL this and read some more tomorrow.
All the best
DP Walker
Five Dares

Hi Sandra, this is good writng so far, you've developed Jennifer and Troy well and you also weave an interesting idea of the church into this, it seems to be a major part of both their lives. The hair is an interesting idea, original but I'm not sure if it will sustain for a whole book, I'll have to read on to see. I do think however that Troy and Jennifer and their relationship to each other and the church is really interesting and I'd like to see how this develops.On my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Hi Sandra
An original idea. I'm keen to find out what happens in the courtroom. I read the first chapter not really sure what to expect, but I found myself liking it. Am going to WL this and read some more tomorrow.
All the best
DP Walker
Five Dares

What a strange but intrigueing premise. I really like what I have read so far - you have a real talent for characterization! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

This is an unusual, interesting and amusing story. Your pitch outlines it well, and you start right in with Jennifer already feeling unhappy with her hairdresser, and planning to leave her, if things don't improve. Jennifer is a well drawn character, very much an individual, feisty and good looking, proud of her appearance, very involved with her church and her faith, but ready to stand up for herself. You give us a lot of background, with Jennifer's first meeting with Troy, and his experience at church that same night. Neither of your characters is flawless. Jennifer sleeps with her boyfriends before marriage, in spite of knowing this isn't on and that as a Christian she shouldn't do this. Troy has a girl friend and has decided to dump her for Jennifer, and again has been sleeping with her for two years. This is a very realistic situation. The whole idea about the hair is very funny and enjoyable. Your writing is easy to read and straight forward. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Hi Sandra!

What a fresh approach to a chick-lit novel! There's virtually no woman on the planet that doesn't value her appearance in one way or another, so this is going to appeal to a huge audience. You've drawn the relationship between Jennifer and Troy very well, and this storyline has a good sense of southern bible-belt nostalgia about it. Good dialogue, great emotional point of view. This is fun, but meaningful on a sub-conscious and religious level. Great stuff - on my shelf!

Kim
Invisible Justice

I love that Onthedottedlines's comment starts with, 'As a bald man...' Classic!

Anyway, the book. An intruiging premise, an certainly not one that has been seen before. Religion and hair aren't the closest of partners, so it has grabbed my attention for sure. And as I read into it, I realise, you make a very interesting point here about how we, as humans, get so wrapped up about the silly little day to day things that we do. So, there you, theology, philosophy, and any other important-sounding -y's you can think of. An interesting piece.

Andrew

As a bald man, I read this with interest, and with the experience of never being able to say the right thing when women in my life have returned from the hairdressers. This book is great fun, although some will take it very seriously, because outward appearances matter, perhaps more than they should. It's well written, and has my backing. Best wisihes, Tony.

Intriguing and fun perspective on a subject that I'm afraid I am all too familiar with. Now my own 12 year old daughter is the drama queen on a "bad hair day". I thought this was witty and charming.

Sandra,
I will give you this, it is original. Quite a hair raising tale indeed. Loved the All of That Baptist Church, reminded me of the one I went to when I was a kid. A very enjoyable read pulls the reader along trying to figure why hair is so important in the grander scheme of things. Jennifer is a solid character and her point of view should be emphasized. If you could tell the story through her eyes only it would increase the drama and the reader could climb into her body and become part of the story. Your point of view wanders from character to character:

She feels so protected.
Damn he thinks. . .
Manuel sees the look in Troy's eyes

Also I would trim the dialogue to make it sound more natural. You can do that yourself by reading it out loud. This is a fun read. Good luck with your book.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Glory the Hair has lots of good chick lit material - bedroom eyes, pouts, hugs and handsome devils with gorgeous smiles [chiselled features, too, I expect!] wrapped around the split ends. There's not really enough material uploaded to make a judgement yet on whether this is good enough to make a book that will attract the genre readers, though; I'll back you to encourage you to upload more so I can figure that out, All the best.

Have never paid that much attention to my hair. Never knew anyone did. There were a few places I found confusing. If she just got her hair cut how could she have slit ends? There were a lot of point of view switches, was this your intent? I think with a little tightening up this would be a stronger story. Back to encourage you.C.P

BACKING because Simon Swift did and I trust his instincts. Those pitches look perfect as well. Think you can make it to the Ed's desk.

Do look forward to your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Interesting subject matter! Still, you handle it very well and certainly made me laugh! BACKED!
Simon (BLACK SHADOWS)

This story made me laugh. Us Texas girls are all about our hair. We will not eat just to afford to have our hair done. Great story line.