The Soul Broker

Ooo! Love the premise and the character's names. Intro of characters done very smoothly. One simile: bounced off me like bullets - do bullets bounce in this way unless thrown? Also, first person narrative told by a girl who's just lost her mum: would she be so calm/matter-of-fact/ maybe more numbness and obvious detachment ... love the rest, BACKED, Luke.

its a great read, well done, backed

alison
---who wants to diet anyway?
---legal lies

I thought it was well written and captured a young woman's voice well. I did find the very opening a little uneven.

the words played over in my mind like a broken record.
is a bit of a cliche, and a somewhat dated one. Your meaning is clear enough but since this is the opening para of your story i would suggest a fresher way of stating it would have greater impact.

Her words bounced off me like bullets.
Confused me a bit. Bullets don't bounce off people (unless you're Superman). Possibly this is an expression I'm not familiar with.

I wasn't sure why her birth certificate didn't have her dad's name. She thought he was dead, but this seemed to imply she didn't know who he was. That's perfectly possible of course, just wasn't clear.

I thought the way she found out it was her mum under the tarp was clever and original. I liked the whole shoe thing, including the green polka dot ones.

Meeting the dad felt a bit subdued considering she had no idea. I would have expected a bit more tension or drama there. It read well though, smooth and flowed well.

Overall an engaging piece. Polished writing and a good set up.

This is one of the reasons I came to Authonomy. To find out how other children's writer express their ideas to the same target audience I am interested in. You do so wonderfully well, effortlessly even. There is a lovely, accessible manner to your work and I think your story is superb. I am delighted to support this
Carl
The Time Hunters

Great idea for a story and well-written.
I'm sure this will do well.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Great idea for a story and well-written.
I'm sure this will do well.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

The Soul Broker

This has a nice style to it good narrative and interesting dialogue make this easy to follow. I’m not a fan of first person narrative, however this works (just be aware of the over use of I). You have developed the main character well. I’m up to Remy burning holes. - Good luck

The first chapter is terrific. The MC is believable and pathetic and instantly earns our sympathy. This is nicely crafted and the images vivid. Well done.

Backed with pleasure,

Jessica L. Degarmo
How to Meet a Guy at the Food Lion

This is a story that draws you in. Well written. A nit-pick that is personal preference, I don't like the word 'scarf',' first chapter. But then you might think it appropriate as it is in character for the MC. Aside from that, good story and backed. Marj.

Great opening, interest and drama right from the off - only comment I would make is the 'words bounced off me like bullets' simile - didn't work for me, as bullets wouldn't bounce off her, they'd punch into her - but apart from that, thought this was great.

Old mansions in Louisiana always have an ominous air of mystery about them so when Harley comes to live in one, a reader knows there's going to be a good mystery here. Just enough magic to be appealing to children. Not so much the story doesn't seem real. It's a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Hi,
Great stuff going here. One important question: How old is the narrator when she's telling the story? Is this a recollection at an older age? The reason I ask is, the vocabulary, phrasing, descriptive abilities, are all a bit precocious for a young teen. Maybe you tell later on how old the speaker is, but I think it's something that should be clear from the beginning. thanks and warmest wishes for your success with this project,
Backed!
Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

My 14 year old really enjoyed this, so backed with pleasure!!
good luck
Hatts

Very well written...from the narrative to your dialogut, this is all very real and a pleasure to read.

Lockjaw

Intriguing start to your story - looking forward to reading more about what happens when Harley gets to Louisiana. I think the detail about the shoes on her mother's dead body was wonderfully chilling. Great writing!

Amanda

This reads with darkness and anger - perfect tone for our narrator's recent troubles. I didn't get too far, but I'm hoping some light shines in to heavy her load. I'm not sure if I missed it = but why did a mother of a 13yo have a will so readily available? Some do; just wondering why this mom did.
A dark tale, well written.
Backed,
Ellen (Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

Your story is quite similar to the fantasy I've uploaded. I suppose many genres of this type are similar. As missy states, you set the mood well and the story flows. There is ample opportunity for kids to let their imaginations take them to faraway places. Best of Luck with this. If you get published let me know and I'll buy it for my kids.

Great story. What better place to set a story like this than an old plantation in Louisiana! Perfect. The writing is great and I love the characters. You've captured the mystery of that part of the country vividly. It sets the mood for a wonderful story. I certainly enjoyed this, a lot.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

(I love Harley as a name too)

Great beginning to your story. The characters are really well protrayed, and I think children will love Harley.

Backed

Jane Holyoake (The Spiral Pendant)

Ok Collette,
I was only going to read acouple chapters to see what your book was about...Well... I have managed to set here and read all 7 chapters and I want more. Absolute wonderful read. I feel like i was one of the characters in your story. Backed with pleasure. Can't wait to see how this one ends!
Karen

Hi -- this is a great read for children, which I've backed with pleasure. I think there is an error in your pitch --

Then, there are the strange people who work for him: Merelda, his personal assistant and former nanny; and Remy, the groundskeeper. And last, but not least, the secret Merelda and Remy share with her. A secret discovered fourteen years earlier by her mother, but unknown to her father.

Ms Collette, good work on chapter one. Smooth read. I'd probably not use the expression "broken record" as it is quite cliched.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Thanks to some very perceptive criticisms on this site (thank you Authonomites!) I am, at present, in the process of a major rewrite and don't have time for individualized comments.
If you are reading this it means I have read the first couple of chapters of your book and think it is worthy of my support. My training is in the visual arts so I can't really help with the 'nuts & bolts' but if you would like to know what I really liked about your work, just send me a message and as soon as I can I will get back to you.
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read of your book.

Excellent book. Well-written. Good inspirational story for children and adults. WL

This is superb! My eleven year old neice read over my should and she says This Rocks! Huge compliment from a middle schooler who loves to read. In my opinion this is well written and polished and kids will eat this up - it is so steeped in reality yet it manages to tickle our fantasy! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

I'm no judge of children's fiction, so whenever I run across it on here I give it to my kids. My daughter gave this one a big thumbs up. So, that means I backing it.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes

Incredible, it is good her father alive, after loosing her mother. I loved the story and i enjoyed reading from and i learnt from it a lot. backed with pleasure.

shah

I think this is one of the books I could never get into, I tryed, I really did, I read the first chapter and I found that I just can't really read this type of books, to "real life" for me, I can see how people that like the genre would love it tho, and it would actually make a good drama, so I backed it. but as for me, I read books to be entertained first and foremost, and I wasn't entertained. sorry....

but you do write spendidly tho, you are defiently a writer.

A very good an lovely story, which should do well in the young adult categary, which it is meant for. I liked it and although an old codger, am still young at heart. Good Luck.
Norman. The Witch of Hambone Bk.3. And Muddledydo.

Dear J.
An enchanting read not only for YA and chidren, We couldn't stop reading.
What a pity we couldn't read all the book, we hope you get published otherwise a lot of people are going to be disappointed.
Backed with thanks.
Eleanor and Sharkey.

Dear J.
An enchanting read not only for YA and chidren, We couldn't stop reading.
What a pity we couldn't read all the book, we hope you get published otherwise a lot of people are going to be disappointed.
Backed with thanks.
Eleanor and Sharkey.

J Collette, nicely done YA book. I loved; "...I flew off to Louisiana to live with this so-called father person." Highly emotional first chapter. Terrific hook at the end of it. Nits; When you end sentence with "...mine, of course, left the father line blank." I was confused what document you were speaking about. I'd split that one into two clear sentences. I was glad to shelve this.
Thomas J Winton (Beyond Nostalgia)

I've read chaper 1 and skipped to chapter 6 of this fantastic book. Your story is good, you launch straight into the action which is ideal for young readers who have no patience, the dialogue is believable and your characters are strong. I love your little clue in chapter 1 that no doubt links up later on - I think these little hints are key in young people's fiction and change a normal story into a page turner. Great work - shelved!
Sue
Theo the Immaculate

Dear J Collette Smith,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You start with a bang and hold my attention with wondering why the mother hid the father from Harley. The image of Harley seeing her mother’s shoes on TV makes me sympathetic for her. I love the lines “Gravity sucked me toward the floor” and “He was a complete stranger who just happened to be my father.” You also do a good job making me begin to wonder about that “detective.”

In my fallible opinion, you could make your story even more exciting by turning some of the passive verbs active. Think of passive verbs as scaffolding, or placeholders. Whenever you encounter a sentence with one, take a good look at it try to repair it with an active verb.

This small matter aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

A strong story, one that would capture the imagination of youth from the start - i know, it captured mine. You really have hit the mark, your style perfect for youth market. Damn you for wriitng it... it is one of those stories you want to keep reading.

GREat


BACKED

The middle grade readers will love this fascinating story, particularly the girls, because your particular skill as a writer is to see the world from a fourteen-year-old perspective: the language, the priorities, the emotions, and the deepest vulnerabilities. The dialogue sections are particulalry strong, and the story whips along at a good pace. It's highly-imaginative, and I'm certain it will do well. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

Great start.. short, shocking and gripping.
Then the story takes off..... On my shelf!
I think you have a good story and a nice
straight style...I enjoyerd it........
Good luck with it.........mikey The Free

Hi J. A very fine book. Interesting as well as entertaining. Very well written. Only read a 4 chapters but I think this will do well. The pitch promise a good story and your writing will carry it well. Backed.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Wonderfully awful opening. I was already admiring the detail about the shoes, when you turn it one more notch with the 88. Excellent.

I have a few suggestions. You don’t have to say the whole image was surreal. We feel that anyway – let the readers draw their own conclusions. Likewise, don’t need “I felt dizzy”. You’re doing a good job of showing us, so you don’t need to tell us.

Pacing – you give us so much description, then leap from going into the bedroom to opening the box. Is that really the first thing she’s do? Besides, in contrast to what you’ve already told us, it makes her sound cold-hearted. How about describing the room, her reaction to knowing her mother would never be there again?

Try having text breaks to show the passage of time instead of needing to say: the next few days, the next morning, etc. You can then jump right into a scene without having all the filler.

You’ve got a good story here -- just a little more work would make it more effective.

Your story begins quickly and we're immediately sucked into it through your excellent use of pathos. I love what I've read and have absolutely nothing to nitpick over.

Shelved.
Andrea
The Key of Kilenya

A book with a lot going for it. Your pitch has already promised an original and interesting plot. As soon as I started to read, I knew that you were a good writer. You have the gift of writing so clearly and with such an easy flow that the reader doesn't stop to notice it, and can become immersed in what is happening. There are no glitches, at least as far as I've seen, and so we are never jerked out of the story. You use short sentences, and this makes your story move along at a good, fast pace. You have created a very natural seeming girl in Harley. Her thoughts and feelings come across as appropriate for her age and situation, but not simply stereotyped. She is very much an individual. Her mother, too comes alive through simple touches. I love her fascination with shoes, and you use this very cleverly to shock both Harley and your readers by Harley's identification of the shoes protruding from underneath the covering, telling her that the person who is dead is her mother. This scene could only be written by someone with a powerful imagination. Then we move on, quickly enough, to Jackson's house, and Merelda starts giving hints, and you use this to keep us reading on until Harley is at last shown the portal, and told about the theft of her mother's soul. Your plot unfolds with skill, holding our attention consistently. An ideal book for the YA audience. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Both pitches work well, as does the cover. I'm impressed by your attention to the small touches that lift a passage of text from a mundane description and instead transport the reader into the world in which your characters live. Hayley is a good strong character, she has to be, and is a wonderfully effective "juvenile lead" in this dramatic story.
I like the demands you make on your readers, given the age group of your target audience, especially in vocabulary. At this age, reading should stretch the mind as well as entertain and using words with which your reader is not necessarily familiar is a good way of persuading them to find answers to questions posed by the writer.
Very impressive. On my shelf for a spell as one of the best books for this age-group I've read to date on this site.
Jared.

Harley has a real time of it in the first 3 chapters that I had no problems getting into her character and feeling involved with your the story. Intriguing stuff and very easy to read. Nice hook at the end of chap 3 as well, and I'd read more if I didn't have to get dressed and go to work!
There were a few words which felt a little older than a 13-y-o eg, barely, frankly, the mere scope - maybe chance then for slightly younger language.
But that's a minor detail. Backed.
Cheers,
Simon

hi colette, this is a wonderful story in the vein of traditional criminal fiction for YA. Only, I feel this goes a lot further to include trappings of the mind and soul as well. I enjoyed dialogue and description alike, and was wondering if ch3 might benefit from an approach which is less dialogue-weighted. The rhythm in your story is well balanced and toggles between fear of the unknown and coping with new premises. Hayley sounds a resilient person and the characters around her are well placed to create conflict for the future while the past is also coming alive. Nicely done.

Soul brokers are such an eerie concept, I wish I'd thought of it. I think there is a lot of imagination wrapped up into your story, and your easy to read style makes it easy to digest. Backed.

Hi J, I've read the first two chapters and you have set the story up nicely . Hayley has a lot to deal with, her mothers death and her father's reappearance. Her meeting with her father was also nicely written, you have drawn him as a caring character and it is a nice gentle chapter. Remy is an interesting character who it appears will become more central. Nice bit of writing and it's on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

This book is not what I expected from the cover and the premise. I didn't expect to enjoy it so much. Poor Harley what a dreadful way to find out about her mother's death. I did think that her reading of the will and the letter were a bit quick given that she was only a girl. I would have expected at least a day of being lost but even so I really enjoyed the way that it all came together. I haven't had time to read more than three chapters because I am behind with my swaps but I am very happy to back this and really intend to come back and read more because it is an enthralling tale. Cheers - Diane (3 things that might have happened)

I have been eager to get around to this book, and finally I was able to do it! You give so much stellar attention to detail - I like that. This is a work that would have universal appeal and I can easily see it in print. Definitely on my shelf with total confidence.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Enjoyable read, if that can be said about a mothers death!

Happy to shelve this one.

Good Luck
Melxx
Impeding Justice

Hi,

Saw this on Lynne's shelf (Brooklyn Bridge) - we generally like the same stuff so I thougth I'd take a look ;o)

Such a compelling stuff, love your attention to detail...the 88 on the shoes - what a unique idea.

Think this book would appeal to adults as well as children. Harley is likeable and her story start off in such a sad way, the death of her mother, but she discovers her father is still alive...it kept me intrigued!

Happy to back this ;o)

Love Bev x

Betrayal & Love Overboard