True Blondes

Oh carol. thats what the song says.hi
the cover appeals i can see it when published moving fast from the airport book rackl
in ten minutes flat i have read two chapters, its good and a very easy read.
i could feel the stress and apehension that Mandy feels as she awaits the result to be called out and to make her the beauty queen.
TOM BYE 'FROM HUGS TO KISSES'

Oh carol. thats what the song says.hi
the cover appeals i can see it when published moving fast from the airport book rackl
in ten minutes flat i have read two chapters, its good and a very easy read.
i could feel the stress and apehension that Mandy feels as she awaits the result to be called out and to make her the beauty queen.
TOM BYE 'FROM HUGS TO KISSES'

Dear Carol

Well done! I really enjoyed the whole piece, excellent build of atmosphere, great humor and just absolutely brilliantly done! A few tips though, be careful not to sound too literal in your approach, the opening is wonderful, but I sometimes feel like I'm watching a documentary with all the facts. Try to space your paragraphs a little better, they seem a little long at times. And finally just make sure that the dialogue is not found in the middle of the paragraph.

Other than that I really enjoyed the story!

Well done and I hope to see more of this soon!

I think you've known this world, Carol. brilliant and backed. lynn

Hi Carol. True Blondes. (I am commenting having read all 4 uploaded chapters). I saw this on Illyria Moon's shelf and was intrigued...but I knew it would be good as Emma really knows her way around this genre! I read your pitch and was further intrigued. WL-ed the book and have finally got to it! This is a great big slice of American cheesecake (which I mean as a tribute rather than a snipe!)...Hollywood glitz and glamour on the surface and yet your novel also intelligently shows the seedy everyday reality behind the 'magic'...and it does so in a highly entertaining fashion. It is always tempting to peep behind the curtain of Oz...even if dreams are shattered in the process. Whether we admit it or not(!) we are all fascinated by the stories of Marilyn Monroe's (rumoured) stag film days/casting couch experiences in 50s Hollywood...probably precisely because of the contrast between Hollywood's private vices and public virtues (in a way that is not so stark and hypocritical in the 21st C) and your book capitalises on this natural salacious curiosity in the reader very well. So, the topic captures the imagination...and will def bring readers your way. The four chapters here are well written and promise much. You perhaps need more back story in the final draft as we move quite rapidly from home life to La La land...but...I am looking forward to more chapters being posted to see where this leads. I am very surprised this is not higher in the rankings right now and only sorry the spell on my shelf is brief (...I only operate one backing shelf at present and it revolves quite quickly!) Good luck with this book. ATB Simon (Little Bastard)

Hi Carol,

This is a great story and I enjoyed reading it. Mandy's a very appealing character and I'll read more since I want to see what happens to her. The only problem I see is that some of your paragraphs are too long. Shelved.

Carol

I have read chapters 1 and 2 - due to time restraints, because honestly, I was enjoying it so much, if I had this in print I would sit and read it cover to cover. You are an incredibly skilled writer, inviting the reader into this world that you show to be both glamorous and a bit sinister all in one. The tension created in the beauty pageant is great. I love your MC - you paint her portrait really well, and I'm keen to know what happens to her. I'm more than happy to shelve this and I hope you have a lot of success with it. All best, Emily (Aurora)

I read ch 1,2, and 4.

This bridles with the authenticity only experience can bring to the pen. You have a delicate, close friend over coffee kind of style, although you don't pull punches and tell it like it is.

I see below someone pointed out repeated words, descriptive words such as really and little. I'm going to point your attention to your thats and hads. I think you'll find most sentences they appear in will stand well enough alone. In one paragraph in particular, I believe it was in ch 2, I counted six thats, and once you notice it, it stands out as if they were in bold letters. Take a look at those.

You made me care about your MC very early on, great textured imagery, too.

Some would think overtones of the classic Valley of the Dolls or even any Jackie Collins selection when they read this book. It is enjoyable and aside from breaking up some paragraphs, it is indeed a good book. I have placed it on my shelf as well as made it Today's Pick I Like for 10/13/09:http://newandgoodreading.blogspot.com/2009/10/todays-pick-i-like-101309.html

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

A very good story, one that makes the reader want to keep reading. My only concern is to echo that of Jo's remarks: I think some of the paragraphs are too long. I also have trouble with writing long ones and I think, as a reader, that they tend to push a reader away instead of inviting them in. I think you can trim them when you edit more, which I am always editing........backed. Regards, Gordon Kuhn

A great story with every ingredient that I love.

My only little suggestion is the size of your paragraphs, some are quite bulky and could deter some readers, I personally find it easier to read shorter ones but that just me.

This of course takes nothing away from your writing.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

Carol
I loved this , its a kind of a mellow Jackie Collins......I felt an affiliation towards Mandy after only one chapter. You crafted her character brilliantly.....

I was also drawn into the story straight away, and didn't skim at all...

.. If I have one crit that I think might help you its that I found you used the word 'that' quite a bit....Will give you a few examples:-

'that' hovered
'that' was once known
'that' surrounded..................................(surrounding sounded better)
and 'was' known as ..........(there are a few instances when you could delete 'was')
'that' reached................................(reaching sounded better)
'that' still flourished ...................(flourishing sounded better)

Do a word check on 'that' I suspect you'll find your manuscript is infested.....I can say this, because I dont mind admitting I was infested with 'little' & 'really'.....

That's not to say there is anything wrong with it as it is, I just think that so oftern the word 'that' is better replaced by a comma.....Let me know if you agree ?? Backed with pleasure.

BACKING because Simon Swift did and I trust his instincts. Those pitches look perfect as well. Think you can make it to the Ed's desk.

Do look forward to your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Backed on the strength of your pitch, as I run out the door to band practice. I look forward to reading it later :)

Emma x

Looking forward to reading more of this! It really is very good! SHELVED!
Simon

Carol,

I came, I read, and I've backed you.

My only concerns are that your profile and some of your chapters are a bit too long. Can you give us a little "white space" in your profile and shorten some of the paragraphs in the chapters or at least break them up?

Rodney