Xenolith

Sparrow,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however is the eye of the camera. Your ability to get inside the skin of your central character and direct his perceptions, thereby installing the reader inside you character's retina.

That is what makes the start an absorbing hook

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

As good as it is, I think we can polish it a bit further, by 'purifying the eye of the camera'

By that what I mean is scrapping anything that moves the reader away from it

You are missing a landscape shot at the start. That is a visually poetic world that entices the reader into a world he has never seen, which acts as a motivator for him to engage in the kind of suspension of disbelief that is needed to get inti the story.

"they resembled...."
the reader (unless he is Latin American like myself) has no image for what the Mayans look like, so this creates a blank in their minds
I would leave the wonderful description that follows by itself

"something that looked like" "he looked eerie familiar" "Frank hoped"
you are introducing the mind of the writer here. This is not the right time to do this.
Just one perception followed by the other

Once the dialogue starts, that is the natural place to brake the eye of the camera

Hope it helps

David

I know you didn't want anymore comments, but I can't help it. I'm a huge fan of your excellent writing. I sure hope you get this manuscript published. I'll be the first one to buy it. At the very least, upload it to kindle. It deserves to be read.

Sparrow,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

What first jumps in here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception, every moment a dangling act that requires the next to have the same urgency for the plot to keep it's tempo.

There is also the eye of the camera effect. Short, compressed, concrete descriptions that install the reader in the eye of the characters, making them forget that there is a narrator in between.

Then there is the extensive use of body language, rather than labeling, to describe the character's behavior and emotional map, something that creates an immediacy that is cinematic.

Finally there is the ping pong dialogue: short sentences back and forth that accelerate the plot for, the reader is not thinking with the characters

....he is acting with them


Some of my favorites:

Your dialogue works best when you interject body language in between
like here: "Those pills.."
Why?
Because when you mix an eye of the camera effect with dialogue written with ruthless efficiency you get the equivalent of the cinematic close up

"his muscles turned to mush"

"hand hoisted"
this sequence of close up is again, cinematic

"to etch her image"

"Cracked concrete walls...."
Short sentences, compressed description, again very cinematic

"He got up....."
The action oriented description followed by short dialogue works wonders speeding up the mind image in this plot.


Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"a pulse that ....."
you are your best when you, rather than labeling, use body language to describe emotion
why?
because if you label the reader reads...the label
if you describe, the reader is there with you....feeling it
like you do here:
"they wore odd bits...."
or here:
"hand reach down"

Your entire narrative is a long "eye of the camera" shot. Every time you label an emotion or use modifiers excessively, you take the reader out of the eye of the camera.

How?

By reminding him that there is a narrator in there.....narrating.

Why would you want to do that?

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, this is on of the better reads in this site.

david

You say you don't want comments on "Xenolith," so I'll limit my remarks to "well written" and "compelling." Your exotic titles drew me to your books--and the hope that you would view my novel "The Doctor of Summitville," a love story laid in an American country town mainly during the Great Depression. Since it concerns a doctor's life, it depicts his cases (in layman's terms) where relevant to the plot. The emphasis is on a love affair fraught with obstacles, menace, tragedy and . . . Well, I trust you'll find it rewarding. Now I'll move on to "Sonant."

I know you say not to read, comment or back this but I'm the kind of person who reacts to that kind of instruction badly - makes me want to do the opposite - so I read this and I'm commenting and backing it. Bascially, because it's a good read. You have a good character in Frank. He's likable and very sympathetic because he's been captured. You have a great setting: a rainforest. Hard to beat. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Liked it. If you get a chance....Sicilian Shadows.
Frank

I'd love for you to take a look at my book Royal Blood Chronicles book one, thanks E.Loraine

A. Sparrow, you have a winner on your hands. The rhythm is excellent and the writing compelling. Your descriptions are intelligent to say the least. I was as captivated at the end as I was when I read the first part of your wonderful book. I wish you the very best.
Best
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Xenolith – teach me not to read the Biog, however I’m glad I didn’t, would have missed this!!!

Arc, your first chapter reads smoothly. Good job. I'd modify that opening sentence slightly to read: Frank lay bound on his side.

Happy to give this a spin on my shelf.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Wonderful. Nice realistic descriptions and clear writing style. if this is Belize you could use a few Spanish words I think.

Some editing concerns-you have a full stop

"You were on the bus to San Ignacio" said Frank.
Remove the fulstop you have after Ignacio.

Backed with pleasure

First class. Reminds me of James Siegel.
Frank

Xenolith is an artist named A. Barrow at work. The pitches are perfect, and the book picks up from there. Rich, effortless imagery in every carefully crafted sentence. Effortless for the reader, that is. One can only imagine how much the author tortured himself/herself to make them just right.

I was really gripped from beginning. Your writing is amazing. I fell into the story and enjoyed the flow of your words.
A bit down, you have " "You were on the bus to San Ignacio." said Frank. It's a punctuation typo I think, since other times you use the comma with "said"
It's an interesting ending note. We don't know what these people are going to do to him.
Backed.
xBeccaX
The First Phoenix

Water under the bridge? Why??? You have good, fun story here...

You have some fantastic descriptions here. The protagonist is in peril which helps to hook us into the story. Backed with pleasure, Sana

Powerful first chapter, brings the MC’s predicament to life.
I skimmed through some additional chapters and found the writing equally strong.
I hope you will get back to it soon. It would be a shame to abandon.

A.P. Constantin

The Crystal Butterfly Club

I noticed that this is revised. I would have liked to have seen the original for this is pretty darn good.
You had me at ants. It got me squirming. Litterally because I hate ants.
That said you have created a first chapter that wrangles in the reader and lets them experience what Frank is going through. what he is seeing, smelling and thinking. A perfect opening I would say.
Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Hell of an opening right here. You create a palpable sense of fear and confusion as poor frank is abducted. Great hook too - why is he being abducted? Who are his captors? I'll have to read on to find out! I like your descriptions - particularly of the ragtag gang of kidnappers and their weapons - but watch out for overwriting. For example "the knee of an ambusher arrested his escape" would sound better trimmed down to "a knee stopped him". Just my opinion, of course.

A vastly enjoyable read. I will buy this when it's published, so for future bragging rights it's going on my shelf!
Jonathan Watts
Jenvilno

But his heart galloped on unbound by any time signature... this struck me as awkward.

This is a good start. Well written, it arouses our curiosity by judicious dealing out of information. You have some good pieces in play, giving you possibilities for later on.

Nicely done and backed!

I wish I had gotten a chance to look at this before the revisions were put into place. This is a very interesting and highly imaginative novel... it felt to me like there were several different streams of thought to follow when reading. I wish this was in printed form, because I feel I could have followed the narrative more easily if I had it in book form in front of me, rather than on a screen. Your dialogue is good but I think it can still be improved... it didn't flow as naturally as your prose seemed to. Your first chapter is very well done and continues nicely into the next... though there was, for me, a lull in chapter three. But all in all I think this is a well done fantasy novel. Not your typical fantasy, but individual and complex in its imagining. Best of luck. L.x

Hi Arc

Great smooth writing - I like the premise, but I wonder if you shouldn't have a bit more of a hint of it in the first chapter. I remember originally looking at this and I thought it was just some jungle adventure book and didn't get any further. If you're going to have portals to different worlds, bring 'em on soon, that's what I say! But that's just me, I'm impatient. You're obviously a very accomplished writer and I'm sure you're going to get to the desk and beyond. Shelved.

Nicole

Hi,

Read to the end of chapter three. not enough to get into the story, sorry, but enough to see if you've got style...you have. Definitely. I was very impressed with your writing. Everything's tight, the novel's got pace and the characters are simple and believable from the get go, perfect job, from what I can tell, to paint a character and keep the pace in such a tight space.

I think you have talent, and if you haven't already, when this is ready I'd submit like mad.

I love the title, too.

Craig

From the pitch it's clear this is an ambitious project. I never read the original but it's clear from this read that you've put in the work required to keep it a tight and well paced novel. It shows a lot of promise. Backed.

You have paced this well. It's an interesting idea. Some of your sentences are works of art. On my shelf and I wish you the best of luck.

A.
Through 3 chapters, a riveting read. Edge of your seat opening chapter.
Great desciptve prose and excellent charcterization.
I wish I had more time to continue on.
Definately a spot on my shelf.

A couple of suggestions:
end of ch2
uncannily reminiscent of their first [day] together in a new country

end of ch3
not after seeing in the ER of Boston University Medical Center, the kind of mess a bullet made tunneling...

Well done,
MickR - The Nightcrawler

I am particularly fond of Doctors without borders. Your revision must have been good because I can find no nitpicks.
SHelved.

Hi Arc, This is engaging and reads well. Just two little things - in the pitch you said his wife has been gone a decade but in the text you say 20 years. Also, I was not convinced sweet peas would be a reasonable flower to carry to the memorial (and why were there already wilted flowers there if he doens't get to it that often?) - they are so short-lived and fragile. But this is intriguing - backing. Good luck! AnneX

Great descriptions and wonderful story.

Backed

Jill

Good pitch and solid writing. This has all the promise of a great story. Backed!

Hi Arc, Great pitch, cool, easy writing, flow and pace, with great atmospherics. If I've read it before ,which I think I have, this certainly stands out as something unique and yet easily digestible for the target market. Shelved, no problem.

loved how you begin ch1. lovely descriptions. very beautiful writing. brilliant and enticing.
I really loved your voice. everything flowed nicely as well and the story is so far so good.
shelved.
-Cara

BACKING because Jane Alexander did and I trust her instincts. She's rather brilliant at finding good reads. Those pitches look perfect as well. Think you can make it to the Ed's desk.

Do look forward to your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Hi Arc, you have a really good way with words. I have only read the first chapter but your descriptions carried me into the piece and I could visualize the scene. The pace is a little slow at the start but I imagine this will pick up through the next few chapters. I like how you have separated one of the his captors from the others, this adds intrigue and mixed with his missing wife and his kidnapping it seems to be setting up form a good read.
Its on my shelf.
Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Not much to say really... this is a cracking read! Great, enticing plot, and writing that seems to me to be spot on. Brilliant!

Andrew

I followed BJ here...
Then realized I'd read it too before.
I really liked it - and still do.
On my shelf.
~Krista

You evoke feelings as I read this. I could almost be in Bellize--and I have never been near the place! There is a pace and tone that works well with the story you are telling.
Well done.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

A Sparrow

This has everything....I sit taking notes as I read....(check my other comments).....I couldn't find anything to complain about here.....Which irritated me slightly, so I read it again....And still nothing.....

All the best with this, Shelved with immense pleasure.....x

I remember this story, which shows it must have made an impression first time round

This version seems to be better - shelved

I remember this -- surprising since I think it was one of the first books I read here. In any case, I think this current version flows very well. I didn't like one phrase (a tongue he coun't peg) seemed a bit too slang to me. But the action is well written, you stay away from passive voice and draw the reader in.

Definitely worth another read. Best of luck.

This is a great story, A, and you are a fine writer. I have memories of Cay Cauker (sp) out on the Cays near the reef so I was particularly taken with your initial location. Frank is a solid, empathetic character - one is with him all the way in chapter one. You then go back to he and Liz, which is a great way of doing it. She is also a good strong character - I liked it when she threw the tap at him! I have a little more to read, but backed with pleasure. Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

This was obviously posted up originally before I started on Authonomy - or I just didn't reach it in time. So I can't compare with what went before. What I can say is that you have a pretty fabulous story here and now. The first chapter sets us firmly in place and sets up a great mystery - why, how, who? Then your second chapter is just so so poignant...it's so hard to describe loss and memory adequately but you capture it. I'm a cynical old witch but it nearly brought tears to my eyes. At this point, of course, we yearn to find out more about Liz and you give us just that, dropping back in time. We're falling through layers, like a rainforest really - uncovering more and more.
I love this, I really do. I've read to the end of Chapter Four and would happily continue were it not for my poor sore eyes which hate screen-reading.
No useful crit I'm afraid - I tend to read as a reader, not an editor - so, if there are no really obvious nits, I just keep reading.
backed with sincere pleasure.
Jane
(Walker)

I don't think I read this before, but just happened to see it. I loved the first chapter, with all the details, like the musky smell of decay. It really sets the scene. I also like that the reader is just as confused as the character, as to what is happening. I mean, *what is happening is clear, but why and by who isn't.

I only had time to skim the second chapter as I'm on my way out the door to work, but the ending of it is so touching, how he can feel Liz's presence as he relives being in Belize with her. It makes his long trek there for her memorial make so much sense.

Overall, I thought the writing excellent and I'll put this on my shelf.

Xenolith

Hi Arc,

I remember reading this before and I remember being impressed with the envisaging, the burying us on the scene. One of your lines as stuck with me during all of that time, the signal mirror flashes in the puddles, I so like that description, there is a fluidity and freshness to it which is reflected in your writing as a piece. All I can say is that this is slicker, better edited than before, the story I felt was excellent last time and you don't seem to have messed with that particularly which is good, just sharpened the descriptions of it and perhaps upped the pace a little. This deserves to do well and I see that it is bouncing up the charts, deservedly so. The revision process of the writing is always so hard, perhaps harder than the writing in the first place. Enjoyed for a second time around and backed for a second time around. I will pop back and read on I'm sure.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Hi Arc,

I noticed Lesley Stevens commented on your story (she's on my friends list) so I came over to peek. Once I saw "New England Mill Town" in the pitch, I knew I'd have to read this (I grew up in Massachusetts and currently live in New Hampshire). I jotted down some notes as a reader, since I don't feel I know enough as a writer to give good advice. These are the things that jumped out at me and interrupted the flow of the story, or bits I really liked. I hope you find these comments helpful.

Chapter One

~ I know I'm invested in the character of Frank, because I was anxious for him after they refused to give him his heart medicine - my concern for his well-being is driving me to read on (well, that and the interesting storyline developing).

Chapter Two

"He waited for Liz, or ... her his brain..." - the "her his" struck me as a bit awkward. Maybe rephrase this.

Chapter Three

~ "... but kept their distance and bowed to Frank, their deference and double standand unsettling him." - for some reason, the "unsettling him" didn't ring true for me. Seems a bit too strong a reaction for that particular action.

~ "You never know... She grinned sheepishly" - I think if you cut "she grinned sheepishly" it would end the chapter on a much stronger note.

Other than those tiny nitpicks, I have no other helpful suggestions. Shelved with pleasure!

~Traci
Tangled Web

Great writing, Arc. I enjoy this type of genre, modern fantasy and your characters and plot are convincing enough to want to read on. I'm not sure if the order of chapters is the best. Going back in time from chapter to chapter is something I do too, and I have moved chapters back and forward trying to see what works. I'm wondering why you don't want them in true chronological order. Perhaps because the capture scene is the more dramatic. You could even begin with Gi. I'm not suggesting you change anything. See what others say. Shelved, Scott.

Scary!
I like the idea and you've got strong writing- I did think once or twice that some of your vocabulary clashed a bit, though. Using 'tongue' for 'language' seemed especially clunky in the same chapter as narcotics and AK-47s, since it was altogether too archaic for the register of the rest. 'Like a dead worm' made up for it, though.
I also love your title, by the way.
NK Pulley (Angelisterre)