Book Jacket

 

rank 3223
word count 27213
date submitted 04.09.2008
date updated 23.01.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Thriller...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Erosion

Ruth Estevez

Loner Lizzy Juniper is caught up in a series of puzzling deaths after witnessing a chalet's terrifying cliff edge collapse into North Yorkshire's pounding sea.

 

Twenty-six year old Lizzy Juniper witnesses a building's terrifying collapse into the sea during her first storm swept night in a run-down chalet park on the North Yorkshire coast. Unable to save its inhabitants, she watches in horror as the old couple fall with their home into the pounding waves.

The next day, the Housing Department gives the residents seven days to vacate their chalets.

Lizzy leaves, but unable to find anywhere else to live, and anyone to help her, she is forced to return. The artist, Jez, is the one that convinces her to join them by describing it as an unexpected haven of like-minded souls that is not in immediate danger.

Her other motive for staying is to encourage her new friends to leave but is puzzled when they take their time and horrified when one by one, they start to die.

The Bonfire Night celebrations are going ahead at nearby Moorland Castle as Lizzy desperately tried to uncover what is stalking the group of misfits and get them to leave before it is too late.

One thing she is definitely aware of is that she canot underestimate anybody who has nothing left to lose.

 
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tags

, contemporary, crime, danger, literary, mystery, shocking, suspense, thriller

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47 comments

 

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ShebaDiva2 wrote 118 days ago

A most unusual premise for a book. There is an intriguing mystery here. The main character comes across as strong and purposeful but also vulnerable. The writing is of a very good standard. Descriptions and dialogue are both believable. The moment when the chalet goes over the cliff is shocking. An interesting, engaging read.

61BBboy wrote 118 days ago

Very Suspensful! Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
61BBboy

IA wrote 232 days ago

Hi, I wish I had time to read more. You write good, crisp prose and I like your title. And while I'm not about to pretend I have anything profound to say having read so little of your novel, I am filled with questions, such as Why would a person who's forced to return to a dangerous place because of financial hardship still be trying to get others to leave? Also, this seems a very unlikely place for a serial killer to strike, which may make the premise entertaining. However, there seems to be an inherent drama in the return that will be undermined by the presence of a killer. I guess it seems right off the bat that you'll have two distinct genres chafing a bit. Sorry to be such a critic, and one who doesn't read much at that, but maybe, just maybe, these are things you're already thinking of.

soutexmex wrote 753 days ago

Ruth: I can go with the short pitch. With the long pitch, end it with a succinct question soyou close the deal with your casual reader. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Burgio wrote 754 days ago

This is a scary story. You’ve made Lizzy a good main character. She’s feisty and certainly more courageous than any of the people around her. The kind of character a reader wants to follow to see how all of this plays out. Your writing style works well for this: clear and engaging and keeps this moving forward. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

WendyB wrote 756 days ago

Well written, and with an amazing beginning...talk about your cliff-hangers!
Good work.

One small thing: there's a confusion of tenses in the second paragraph. "severing...stampeded" Choose a tense.

Wendy Bertsch
(Once More...From The Beginning)

Nick Poole2 wrote 822 days ago

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

B. J. Winters wrote 888 days ago

I have to admit that the first line was a bit confusing to me (sound and ground) -- and just be aware the starting with your character waking up is something that agents are known to frown on. It's been done before.

That said, once I got past the first few paragraphs, the writing settled into a unique and entertaining style. But what I liked most is how you paint a sense of place. The begining of chapter 2 - the cliffs, sky and emergency vehicles - I felt like I was there with the authors vision, not filling in the blanks on my own. I liked chapter two very much. On my shelf for a bit.

T.L Tyson wrote 893 days ago

I was eagerly anticipating a read of this. The pitch spoke to me some how. I was really drawn in.
I like Lizzy, i think she is brave, running out to get help, being persistent in need to get help.
Your writing is descriptive and I found your story line enjoyable. The first chapter was quickly paced, the dialogue seemed real, I like how in her panic she doesn't answer the men until the second time he asks when he inserts a fuck in there, I am sure that snapped her back to his attnetion.
The one thing I really noticed was the use of exclamation points. Someone told me when I came to this site that you need not put exclamations in, the setting and actions of the characters should be able to tell the reader how the character is sayign things. They say no more than one per page. Whether this is truth is another thing.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Jupiter Echoes wrote 901 days ago



Hi, I have read a small portion of your work. I am looking at your micro - writing.... effective intro, whether you slow the story down with too much back story, if your characters come to life quickly, your descriptive powers, the rhythm of your prose, etc. I have approached your read from the point of view of genre and market. I have judged my work to the best of my ability, but punctuation, the over use of !, grammar, spelling, are the remit of my wife so don’t think I have judged these elements at all (I only wish I could).

As the micro writing is good, I back your book. I don't expect you to back mine, but if you are just in it to climb the charts to get to Ed's desk, and don't want the hassle of reading mine, just back it.

On the other hand, if you would like a deeper read, then please look at my novel, Dream Diamond, and leave feedback that isn't a regurgitation of the past few comments. I get so many clusters of similar comments that one feels utterly worthless and is left wondering if they are good at all. If you do ask for deeper feedback and have submitted negative critisism, I still will reciprocate honestly, and will not enter a tit-for-tat comment, as I have found happens to me quite often when I get honest. Also, I will not rewrite large sections of your work in my style, which I personally find unbelievable that some authors here feel that there is only one way of writing and we all should be the same. I will work with your style, and learn from it.

Now, I am not going to be able to focus on your book holistically. I haven't the time to read entire books. Your overall plot structure, your ability to weave mystery or give a great ending, or the way you drag in the middle is really not in the design of this site. What I suggest is that you find someone whose comments you trust, become there friend, and see if they will swap books and ask for analysis of longer portions. Eh, maybe form cluster writer's circles within authonomy.

You may wonder what prompted this approach. Quite frankly, I haven't the time to spend months, reading everyday, all day, to reach an editor who, from past data, in all probability will not accept my book for publication. I could write another book in the process. Secondly, I have put so much effort into the work of others who quite obviously only paid scant attention to mine, and given some fit-all comment that means absolutely sod all.

So, here is my gift to you. You are BACKED because you deserve to backed. You have honed your craft to at least not to make an agent quiver. Whether you book has the exceptional quality to put it above the hundreds of other great writers here, I cannot say without a deeper read. Reciprocate if you want, no worries if you don’t.


BACKED.


Jupiter Echoes.

Ruth Estevez wrote 901 days ago

Thank you. This is what I need. I'm aware I need to edit, just trying to plough ahead, but should go back too. It's very useful. Thanks.
I'll look at your book too. You sound to know what you're doing.

Ruth

Wow. Really exciting and fascinating hook: 'see what you've started.' Don't know how long you've been writing or what input you've had but this is also a case of 'less is more.' First para. Directly above (take out 'her.) Take out 'amplified'. You don't stumble when you're wide awake: it gives the wrong picture. Second para: change the sentences so that 2 of them don't start with 'It was'. I think there's alot of repitition that if you stripped it out would give us an even starker, clearer picture. Try it and see how it reads. Hope this is helpful. Not meant to be critical, just a bit of asic input. Has great potential. Shelved.

dana bagshaw wrote 902 days ago

Riveting opening. Great use of active verbs. Then a moment's reprieve at the beginning of Chapter 2, and we're off again. A few "there was"s that could be deleted, and a few paragraph blocks that could be broken up. Backed for its nerve and verve. Dana K. FACING GRACE.

Onthedottedline wrote 904 days ago

Starting abook with such a climactic event really grabs the reader's attention, and your slow unpicking of the consquences works very well. Your MC is a fascinating contrast to the people around her, and her path through the mysterious plot takes lots of unexpected twists and turns. This is well-written, cleverly constructed, and hugely enjoyable. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

DMC wrote 905 days ago

Ruth
Well, what a baptism by fire (or water, or crumbling land – you get my meaning) for Lizzy. And it is clear this is the work of an accomplished writer. I think you have a strong opening to your book and I’m not sure why some other comments say you need to enhance Lizzy’s likeability because I was right there with her for the opening chapters. Most probably a personal thing.
I have no criticisms. This is great story telling with bags of character. I could see this as a film – in fact that’s just how it played out in my head as I was reading. Bravo!
Shelved with my best wishes
David
Green Ore

Ruth Estevez wrote 905 days ago

Thank you for your comments. Lizzy wasn't initially very likeable, so I'm going through the book (I've written) it and bringing out the saviour in her as she gets to know her lovely neighbours...
I'm working through my watchlist and will be back.

Ruth

Thanks for the enjoyment,,,On my shelf.
Lizzy is a great character and her relation
with her odd neighbours an attractive hook,
Excellent technique of thriller.
best luck with it............Mikey The Free

Ruth Estevez wrote 905 days ago

Thank you very much. Great summing up. I'm reading the books on my watch list - so will be back!
Ruth

Very dramatic opening, well-crafted, with the horror of the two elderly people clinging to each other and going to die, but surrounded by the mystery of why this Jez guy is either so dense or perhaps hostile. Is there more going on her than Mother Nature? That's what will keep me turning pages, to find out what is really going on, as well as how Lizzy is going to get her life back together after all of this.

Your writing is good: sentences covey action very well, no overly long descriptive passages. Dialogue is excellent. You can practically hear the story overhead as Lizzy is calling for the dog and the couple to get out.
Well done. Shelved.

mikegilli wrote 906 days ago

Thanks for the enjoyment,,,On my shelf.
Lizzy is a great character and her relation
with her odd neighbours an attractive hook,
Excellent technique of thriller.
best luck with it............Mikey The Free

sperber1 wrote 906 days ago

Very dramatic opening, well-crafted, with the horror of the two elderly people clinging to each other and going to die, but surrounded by the mystery of why this Jez guy is either so dense or perhaps hostile. Is there more going on her than Mother Nature? That's what will keep me turning pages, to find out what is really going on, as well as how Lizzy is going to get her life back together after all of this.

Your writing is good: sentences covey action very well, no overly long descriptive passages. Dialogue is excellent. You can practically hear the story overhead as Lizzy is calling for the dog and the couple to get out.
Well done. Shelved.

Rosali Webb wrote 906 days ago

Ruth
Dramatic opener. Good idea as well. The rain and the mud and the disaster really was quite real. Backed
Rosali

Ruth Estevez wrote 907 days ago

Ah and eek.

Having lived through several California earthquakes and mudslides, I found this absolutely riveting. Good luck to you. Ruth, Amsterdam 2012

Ruth Francisco wrote 907 days ago

Having lived through several California earthquakes and mudslides, I found this absolutely riveting. Good luck to you. Ruth, Amsterdam 2012

Ruth Estevez wrote 907 days ago

Thank you. You've brought out a different slant to the book that I hadn't really thought about as giving ongoing conflict, because I have conflict elsewhere, but this is worth thinking about exploiting further.
I will return the favour.
Ruth

The conflict in this story is between a group that live in chalets and caravans located on a cliff facing the north sea and the government housing authority bureaucrats who are trying to move them out. It is undisputed the cliff is gradully falling into the sea carrying the habitations with it. The residents are determined to stay where they are but the bureaucrats have secured orders to destroy the chalets and caravans in seven days. in action sequences and conversations between the various characters the author amply demonstrates her writing ability.
Shelv ed

Ruth Estevez wrote 909 days ago

Thank you so much Connie. Yes, it does need an edit. I'm ploughing on with the chapters, but need to go back I think. And re-write the synopsis... and read.. eek. I look forward to reading your book. Thank you again, Ruth

What a horrible thing to witness. I was on the edge of the cliff with them. So well done. A little bit of an edit and this will be a real gem. Glad to put it on my shelf. Connie

C.P. wrote 909 days ago

What a horrible thing to witness. I was on the edge of the cliff with them. So well done. A little bit of an edit and this will be a real gem. Glad to put it on my shelf. Connie

Ruth Estevez wrote 909 days ago

Thank you so much. That is really helpful, particularly about the synopsis. Spot on. Thank you. I'm re-writing the novel and it is showing how central Lizzy is.

Will have a look at your book as I work through my list!

Ruth

Ruth
Good opening. Full of excitement and danger. You establish Lizzy and her world. She's kind and concerned. I will read more. Shelved.

Glitches:
1. Pitch needs to be broken up into smaller paragraphs. It needs to be rewritten around Lizzy - "it's all about her."
2. "Distaster" should be spelt "distaster."
3. I would use "artillery" instead of mortar - that really does rip the earth apart. "Bolt upright" is a cliche; "upright" will do. "Quiet and stillness" can be replaced by either "Quiet" or "stillness." "completely still" can be replaced by "still".

Frank

Francis Albert McGrath wrote 911 days ago

Ruth
Good opening. Full of excitement and danger. You establish Lizzy and her world. She's kind and concerned. I will read more. Shelved.

Glitches:
1. Pitch needs to be broken up into smaller paragraphs. It needs to be rewritten around Lizzy - "it's all about her."
2. "Distaster" should be spelt "distaster."
3. I would use "artillery" instead of mortar - that really does rip the earth apart. "Bolt upright" is a cliche; "upright" will do. "Quiet and stillness" can be replaced by either "Quiet" or "stillness." "completely still" can be replaced by "still".

Frank

Kim Jewell wrote 912 days ago

Hi Ruth!

Wow. That's one heck of an opening... Um, could you have put me any more on the edge of my seat? Your descriptions you've written as Lizzie watches the chalet twist and turn, crumble and falter... You put me right on the edge of that cliff, watching the senior couple, trying to reach for their dog. Wow. Very tense, very well written. Can't wait to read more! Pausing briefly to back and I'll definitely be back for more. Great job!

Kim
Invisible Justice

paxie wrote 912 days ago

Ruth

Typo.....slamming back hard 'again' against.......do you need ,( again? )

I did find a few too many 'ing' words.....it's not wrong to use the 'ings' but sometimes they make the narration seem less urgent.......will give you an example...

she could feel her heart thumping..........vis a vis.......her heart thumped....

In one paragraph you have:-
stepping, pounding, crashing, glancing, standing, thumping, looking, panicking.....

The waves crashed, ( conjures a fierce action)
the waves were crashing (conjures a much less vivid motion)

There is nothing wrong with using the 'ings' I just think it's useful to be aware that you have an option.....But this is just my view.

I enjoyed the read, you've crafted Lizzy well..
Am happy to support......Shelved.....Good luck

Ruth Estevez wrote 915 days ago

Thank you Joanna, will look at this when I've edited some more chapters. Eek. Can't keep up!

Hi This looks like it's going to be an interesting read. Just one thing that struck me was the length of the first few paragraphs. Maybe it's to do with the writing being on screen (it would prob be less noticable on paper) but it looked quite overwhehelming. is there maybe any way of splitting them up a bit. I'm going to carry on and I;ll come back with further comments. Cheers, Jo,

Ruth Estevez wrote 915 days ago

Thank you so much Adrian. I will be returning the favour. Ruth

Before I read this I thought it would be boring, how wrong I was. The first chapter is fast paced and you had my heart thumping. The change of pace in the second chapter with the excellent description gave me a chance to calm down, thanks.
This is a well written novel with great action believable narrative and excellent descriptions. I will back it with great pleasure.

Adrian
Jack and Boots

buckman52 wrote 915 days ago

WHAT I LOVED ABOUT YOUR BOOK WAS THE FEELING OF THE UNCOMFORTABLE COLD AND WET ABOVE THE CRASHING WAVES. YOU'RE SETTING THE SCENE WELL. THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL, WELL-WRITTEN START OF A STORY THAT IS SURE TO BE AN EXCITING AS WELL AS A SATISFYING READ.
BY WAY, COULD YOU PLEASE GIVE MY STORY, IN HER OWN BACKYARD, A READ? THANK YOU,
LORI BUCKMAN

buckman52 wrote 915 days ago

WHAT I LOVED ABOUT YOUR BOOK WAS THE FEELING OF THE UNCOMFORTABLE COLD AND WET ABOVE THE CRASHING WAVES. YOU'RE SETTING THE SCENE WELL. THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL, WELL-WRITTEN START OF A STORY THAT IS SURE TO BE AN EXCITING AS WELL AS A SATISFYING READ.
BY WAY, COULD YOU PLEASE GIVE MY STORY, IN HER OWN BACKYARD, A READ? THANK YOU,
LORI BUCKMAN

andyroo wrote 916 days ago

I haven't been this gripped by a book for a long time... published and non. You have the pace right, you have the dialogue right, the description too... just spot on. I would very highly value your opinion on my own work, because I strive to achieve the same affect. The opinion of someone who has mastered it would be a well received one.
Anyway, good book. Where the action and pace falls a little as the book sinks into it's natural rhythm in the next few chapters, the overhanging darkness of the horrible guy doing all the swearing and pushing lingers, keeping it's claws hooked into my attention. Very well done.

Andrew

chrisalys wrote 916 days ago

I loved the opening to this book, it was so pacy that I almost forgot to breathe... seriously. i am in bed with a virus and this was'nt good for my heart. i wanted to get that couple out of the house myself. If a novel is meant ot move you, this had me pulling my oilskins on! Well done, i am so putting this on my bookshelf as i would read on happily past the few chapters that I have read. I don't mind the odd typo etc, i don't see them the writing absorbs me. Hope that you do well with this, it would be deserved.
Backed with pleasure
Chris( Inside out)
maybe youcould take a glance at mine if you have the time. thanks

Jane Alexander wrote 916 days ago

Ruth, hi.....heck, that was some opener! I felt as I was there, in the rain and the mud and just couldn't believe that the chalet was going to go over the cliff, and with those poor people in it! The dog barking, the strange reactions of the other owners - all combine to create a powerful elemental opening.
Then things calm down and the mystery begins to unfold. I think you have great characters here, an intriguing setting and you write very well. Dialogue rings true and you engage all the senses. My only quibble would be POV which does veer around a lot. I am a bit of a POV purist, I readily admit, and know not everyone goes for it...but I just think the writing would be stronger and have a more emotional pull on the reader if we stay in one viewpoint for at least sizeable chunks of text. The first chapter worked so well because we're pretty solidly in Lizzy's POV. The next is tougher as we see it through Lizzy, Randolph, Greg, Simon etc.....
Just my thought and I can only comment as a reader - so take with a large pinch of salt.
Happy to back this as think it's very strong
Jane
WALKER

Steve Ward wrote 916 days ago

Ruth,
Excellent writing and a great story. Plenty of tension with the explosive opening held thoughout three chapters of the locals acting very strangely as Lizzy tries to make sense of it. Randolf is suspect and the reader turns pages like mad trying to figure who did this and why. Lizzy makes a solid character and draws much sympathy in all her confusion and her determination to investigate. Well done. From my editor's chair the writing is immaculate. You just need to add some scene breaks when you shift time and place like just before: An ambulance was pulling up the hill. Also,avoid passive verb forms that end in ing. An ambulance pulled up the hill.
This is a fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Clare Hill wrote 924 days ago

A really dramatic opening full of immediate danger. You could cut out a lot of the exclamation marks, they're a little over the top. In your short pitch 'distaster' should be disaster. Check your use of capitals in your pitch - Chalet Park, for instance, doesn't need capital letters. And your tags are vague - have a look at some which other people have used to get an idea of what to use. Think of them as keywords.
Backed for being an interesting idea.

Adrian.A.Moore wrote 924 days ago

Before I read this I thought it would be boring, how wrong I was. The first chapter is fast paced and you had my heart thumping. The change of pace in the second chapter with the excellent description gave me a chance to calm down, thanks.
This is a well written novel with great action believable narrative and excellent descriptions. I will back it with great pleasure.

Adrian
Jack and Boots

Ruth Estevez wrote 924 days ago

Thank you so much. I'll look at the scene in the car. I think what I need to concentrate throughout is the honest reactions of the characters. Going through it all with a fine tooth comb.
I'll look at your work too.
This site I can see is going to be really helpful. Thank you.
Ruth

Hi Ruth,

I love your opening line.
As an opening chapter they don’t come much better than yours. I could see through the wind and rain that chalet swaying on the edge. Your description of the final plunge wonderful.
I would buy this book on the quality of chapter one.

After the storm repercussions and more problems. Good dialogue though out C2
This is an interesting scenario you have created – they don’t want to leave and have their own ways.

Loved the interaction in the car but felt she would have been frightened by his manner.
Over all this is well written, moved along at a good pace and was clear with convincing details.

Ron S

You Can’t Hide Forever,

Ruth Estevez wrote 924 days ago

Thank you so much. I'll look at the scene in the car. I think what I need to concentrate throughout is the honest reactions of the characters. Going through it all with a fine tooth comb.
I'll look at your work too.
This site I can see is going to be really helpful. Thank you.
Ruth

Hi Ruth,

I love your opening line.
As an opening chapter they don’t come much better than yours. I could see through the wind and rain that chalet swaying on the edge. Your description of the final plunge wonderful.
I would buy this book on the quality of chapter one.

After the storm repercussions and more problems. Good dialogue though out C2
This is an interesting scenario you have created – they don’t want to leave and have their own ways.

Loved the interaction in the car but felt she would have been frightened by his manner.
Over all this is well written, moved along at a good pace and was clear with convincing details.

Ron S

You Can’t Hide Forever,

TriciaBenet wrote 936 days ago

Very compelling. I read the first two chapters and really am anxious to see what is going on.

Off to shelf the book and will be back as soon as I can to read the rest.

Trish
'Miranda"

Andrew W. wrote 938 days ago

Erosion

Hi Ruth,

This is a clever. Double entendre in the title I suspect, Erosion referring not simply to the clifftop but to the lives that are clinging to it and watching parts of the site fall into the sea. A great action-filled start shaking characters from their bed and drawing them into the story. There is a bleakness here, a wonderful set of characters arrayed for our delight, interesting, atmospheric and real, they walk off the page into our heads and they are interesting to be around. There is a powerful undertone of darkness to this story, a set of misfits together, left to oneside by the mainstream, safety in numbers, in strangeness, in being alone. Bleak as the clifftop, exposed and potentially vulnerable, what a rich running metaphor we have extended from the title. Good stuff. Backing this soon, if you are able to pop over and peek at my book you have no idea how helpful that will be.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

JonathanW wrote 940 days ago

a good, moody opening. I could almost feel the wind and smell the night air! Very vivid and I like your characters. Nothing I would pick up on to change in this either. Happy to shelve. Nice work!

Jonathan Watts
Dread Fist

Cato Sulla wrote 940 days ago

I thoroughly enjoyed reading the five chapters you have posted here. My favourite chapter was your opening one, I have one small critique though and that would be I'd have Lizzy showing a little more emotion. I can imagine that I'd be frantic trying to get the attention of the other chalet owners if one of the houses was about to fall into the sea and the old couple were still inside it.

One thing that I think you have a natural talent for, and that is dialogue, you really know how to get that down on the page with aplomb.

Backed with pleasure.

Bob x

Ariom Dahl wrote 947 days ago

I read a couple of chapters. A couple of very minor typos with apostrophe use but easy fixed. As someone else has remarked, there's a sinister atmosphere. But it just really wasn't my sort of story, so I didn't read further.
I suggest you break the long pitch up into several paragraphs for ease of reading. Of course, just my opinion and I am no expert.
I wish you all the best with this and hope your next comments will be more positive and helpful.
Regards

Joanna Price wrote 954 days ago

Hi This looks like it's going to be an interesting read. Just one thing that struck me was the length of the first few paragraphs. Maybe it's to do with the writing being on screen (it would prob be less noticable on paper) but it looked quite overwhehelming. is there maybe any way of splitting them up a bit. I'm going to carry on and I;ll come back with further comments. Cheers, Jo,

Ruth Estevez wrote 1190 days ago

Thank you Gene,
This is really helpful and clear. I know what you mean about writing exactly what I mean. I think it is a fault of mine. I'll have a look. I'm quite happy to edit and re-edit. Sometimes though, with the editing, you change a word and miss that you had already used that word somewhere else and so the repetition begins!
I'm busy reading and editing scripts at the moment (other people's) so am not getting much else done right now.

many thanks again for bothering,
Ruth

Hi.
Has taken me quite a while to get down my list. Sorry about delay.
There is a very frightening, sinister, and sometimes irrational cast of characters in chapter 1. It makes me want to continue reading to see where this is going as they seem very strange.
As you get in to editing, you may want to check every sentence very carefully to make sure it says exactly what you want it to mean. For instance: "A strong wind howled through her..." Was she a ghost? or did the wind maybe howl around her?
More on the wind: "Finally outside, the wind snatched away her breath." I know what you mean, but what it says is that the wind finally got out and attacked her. A little farther on the wind snatches her voice.
When she runs to get help, is she going to knock and politely ask "Is anyone in?" Or is she going to scream for help?
I think there are some interesting characters and events, but I think they need a little more development to help the reader see what you have in mind. People are just sort of showing up out of nowhere--thinking specifically of this weird fight at the end of ch1. (If the boot was all the way shut and latched, would the poor guy even have any fingers left? Ouch!)
Personally, I find the rewriting part of the work to be a lot harder than the original effort of getting the story down. I hope there's something useful for you here. g.

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