Betrayal

You've invented a nice little sub-culture here, and your writing has a breathless style to it that serves the adventure well. Nicely done; I'm happy to back it for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

A fast moving story, well written and thought out .
Some very graphic scenes which are great. - Love it.
SHELVED.

Thank you for backing my book "The Secrets Of The Forest".

Regards,

Neville

Excellent writing, urgently written and very hard to put down. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Great imagination, wonderfully portrayed. In my view, you start the story just right, with the war and focusing on the main character. He is depicted very well, strong, earnest, brave and before you know it, the reader is hooked. Backed last night and I'm glad to read more to comment.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

What I've had time to read is very good. Oddly enough, was reading yours when you backed mine. :) Great minds, and all that.

Hi Ethan
Well done, writing fantasy is so hard and something I could never even attempt. I like the way you bring the characters into the story and the suspense that you build up.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Ethan,

Great work here, truly compelling and a really imaginative story. You have a stunning opening and you follow through with great wordcraft.

Backed.
Abi xxx

Sounds like an intense adventure, filled with ups and downs. Backed
NAC

Betrayal

I’m in awe of people who can create such worlds, not only are they so imaginative and creative they have great characters (often that imaginative I can’t pronounce their names). The opening is very good, me, (and I stress me) I would bring in a little bit more descriptive noise in the narrative. This is full of intrigue and I’m only up to betraying allies and rocking the foundation of the old world. This is good – Good luck!

What an imaginative story. You've created good characters. Have good settings for all of this to play out. Makes it a good read. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Ethan, your first two chapters are a smooth read. Good job. Nothing really to nitpick in these sections.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Not my normal genre, but this is pretty impressive. Highly imaginative, taut writing.
Shelved
Frank

This is pretty good :)

You have a well crafted book here! Backed! Liz

A terrific YA novel.

Great characters and fantastic storyline.

Happily shelved

Melxx
Impeding Justice

I learnt from your book; i only learn from the best book, and yours is the one. well written and easy to reak. i was hooked when i read a few line, i wish i had the time to read all your book, but i will hopefully in the future. backes

shah

First, I would just like to say that I appreciate your opening with a description of your character's physical appearance and thoughts. I think it sets the tone nicely for a fantasy piece such as this. YA readers like to hear what their characters think. When I read fantasy, I need lots of description, because I'm in a foreign place. You've done a lovely job reaching your audience.
Backed,
Ellen
(Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

Normally I would not choose this book but it caught my eleven year olds eye and they decided to sign up for Authonomy themselves because of this book! I am so impressed as I have no wread it myself! It is intriging and polished! BACKED!

Thanks for getting my kid to read more !! Hey - check out The Cheech Room I think you"ll like it!

Ethan, I note you are a LOTR's fan, you have taste. I like your premise and it has great potential but I think it would benefit from a few tweaks.
The opening is a little bogged down with detail; and back story. My advice would be to cut straight to the battle. Start with your MC in major difficulties and show his character through his actions.
For me the start of the book has to grab me and pull me like a strong undercurrent and your current is a little too gentle at present. Having said that , this is not my normal read and and fans of this genre may well enjoy all the military detail so if that's the case please ignore me. I think your writing is strong and I've no doubt the pace will pick up once your MC gets into your intriguing plot. Best wishes, Karen. (Backed)

This would appear to be some 17th or 18th century battle set up.
It's well written and precise which had me wondering why you didn't set in the the real world and have it as historical fiction. There is plenty to enjoy about this novel, I think it has immense potential and wish you the best in continuing it's fabrication.
David
Bailey of the Saints.

Ethan,
Enjoyable piece. I read chapter one. I liked the military details. They added meat to the writing and added realism. I also found myself liking your MC, as I was able to enjoy his inner thoughts as he prepared for battle. Backed.
Jenny

Betrayal
Ethan Petno

Ethan,

I read your pitches and chapter one. “How far would you go for revenge?” I think this question and it’s underlying theme have been the bases of so many writings throughout mankind’s history – and I think it’s linked to man’s search for values as well, so I am keen to see how it will all play out in your book. I think too it is always a good theme to explore and people never seem to tire of it. You paint Hersek, the youngest captain in the army, at twenty-three, as very real. We hear his thoughts as he is walking through thre field, soon to be the war camp of the Osmalite army, among them being - what would happen if he died, they would replace him, they always did, but what would happen to his wife and child?
I think from the very start you begin to characterise him well – he seems very human, reasonable, and someone who is easy to identify with. I thought the narrative in this chapter was good, and you had some nice military-style dialogue which seemed natural and realistic. I like how you ended the chapter, telling us what’s going on at the Weimar war camp, and ending with “It was a night for battle!” letting the reader know that there is much action to come – an inducement to turn the page.
I think you have an engaging style of writing which keeps the reader’s attention. Good start in chapter one.

Best wishes for success,
Zan

BACKED.

shah, the interpreter

This is very different. Not something I am accustom to but it seemed to flow nicely and you have a likable MC.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Hi Ethan,
I know nothing of this genre so have absolutely nothing of value to add as far as your readership goes. I did notice on the Summary that Hersek was listed as 21, but you have him as 23 in the story. Other than that, I think your writing flowed very well and your accomplished the action perfectly.
Best of luck.
Backed!
Tracy
The Guardians

This has improved a lot since I first looked at it Ethan, Keep up the good work. It's getting there!
Best wishes
Sue

Ethan, Betrayal has lots of potential and when you do a final edit you’ll be surprised how even better it will be.

Just a few suggestions, below.

Check for paragraphs close together beginning with Hersek and consider rearranging them so the name appears within the sentences?

I’d also give each chapter its own spot from the chapter bar, although some chapters are quite short so you might be able to combine with a scene break instead of a chapter?

Dialogue is good, and I'd like to see more of it.:)

As time goes on you’ll get lots of more helpful advice but for now I will give this a spin on my shelf, and I wish you all the best.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Hi Ethan,
I love the story, it is really well thought out and full of adventure - perfect for the genre. I like your style too, very clear with an excellent pace - happy to place on m shelf.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

From the start there is a convincing, because well detailed, sense of place and the imminence of cavalry conflict. You marshal you detail as Hersek might muster his forces. Although this is fantasy - and successfully so - the preparation for battle so reminds me of the raw horrors of cavalry attack and musket fire during the English Civil War [I'm thinking of the Battle of Naseby and that of Lostwitheil] between Cromwell and Charles I's men.
So you have all the mounting tension of Hersek's confrontation with the Weimar war camp and a real sense of immediacy as a foundation for sliding into the fantasy element which, from your synopsis promises to be worthy of reading on. Surely winning ingredients for the young adult reader and also plenty to engage those like me; old enough, sadly, to be the father of a young adult. Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

You are off to a good start here. My suggestions for improvement are to touch up your punctuation and try to vary your sentences a bit more (in length and structure). It will flow nicer. I'm not really into military-type stories, but I can see how the story itself would appeal to those who are.
xBeccaX
The First Phoenix

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

BETRAYAL:

Ethan,

Full of action, adventure and a quest, and what young adult doesn't love a quest. The crisp, taut dialogue is particularly good, and the novel promises to be a very good read for the target market.

Backed.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

BETRAYAL:

Ethan,

Full of action, adventure and a quest, and what young adult doesn't love a quest. The crisp, taut dialogue is particularly good, and the novel promises to be a very good read for the target market.

Backed.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

BETRAYAL:

Ethan,

Full of action, adventure and a quest, and what young adult doesn't love a quest. The crisp, taut dialogue is particularly good, and the novel promises to be a very good read for the target market.

Backed.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

Great, full of action and suspense. I just read the first chapter. but good nonetheless

This is full of action but needs a bit of a dusting down. For instance, early on you have two had's in a sentance. Another sentance doesn't start with a capital letter. Let me know when you have made some more edits and I will be happy for a re-read. All the best, Sana

Hi Ethan, I enjoyed this read, you set the scene really nicely and I really got a feel for Hersk character, and the immense weight of battle on his shoulders. His conversation with Emin is very natural and you seem to know both characters well. I like the doubt Emin brings to the Generals tactics, it puts a doubt in the mid of the reader and had me wanting to read on. I wish I didnt know Emin was killed, this is a big part of the story as we have already identified with him and if you hid his death from us it would be more effective. On my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Thank you or all of your kind and critical comments so far. I will address some of your comments now:
B. J. Winters: Betrayal is in fact an unfinished novel.
Bradley Wind: I have fixed the pitch already, and will try to work on the chapters on this coming weekend.
Everyone Who Said That I had Typos: I will get to them, and try to fix that ASAP!
Thank you for your support of Betrayal!
Ethan Petno
Betrayal

Ethan,
What I'm enjoying about this is the ambiguous where/when. Possibly I missed something but it doesn't matter because I believe this war/battle and already like Hersk and Emin. Hate knowing from the pitch that Emin is killed and wish you didn't give that away! Possibly you could say and a friend of Hersek is killed in battle? probably not that big of a deal really.
I'm wondering why you didn't split this up into chapters ...Authonomy chapters that is. Gets a bit confusing scrolling up to reread/think about what was said where...but again...probably not a big deal.
Wishing you the best with this!
-=Bradley

This writing shows pace, authenticity and military precision, very impressive, I have bonded with young Hersek, so keen but I see pitfalls in his plan and thus the excitement of the story builds. Backed BADD

You clearly know far more about military matters than me and I learned a lot. A few typos but, hey, we are all guilty of that. A gentle trawl through will sort them out eventually. Good atmsophere. The tension mounts like a well-ordered charge. Good luck with this. Jim D Serpent's Blood

I see that you have taken the comments of others and changed your opening to include a description of place and character - I think it worked. There is still a great deal of action to keep the reader excited, but I now have your vision of the main character (rather than filling in the blanks on my own). The ride into the woods, the brige building - the suspense begins to mount and the battle scene is well written as well. I was reminded of the American Civil War in the descriptions.

Chapter 10 appears incomplete - but I expect you are still writing. Best of luck to you.

the villagers nodded their concent needs a capital The. Chapter 1.

Other than that, this work promises to be a worthy addition to the fantasy library hidden in the Jinn's invisible castle in the sky. He really likes this sort of thing, with a solid idea backed up with good characterisation and a tendency for uplifitng dialogue to raise the spirit of the troops. Jinn is often a YA, but can become an adult too. Good stuff, he would say, and....



BACKED

Ethan

I dont know what your work was like before, but it's certainly polished now......The language is consistent, which isn't always the case in period novels....The narrative was digestable, even to someone like me who isn't overly interested in battlefield drama.....I felt the pace and plot move evenly.....

I thought the opening description of your mc conflicting,,,,there are not many twenty three year olds with worry lines, and he sounded quite dapper for the battlefield.....

Overall I enjoyed the read...Best of luck....shelved

Imaginative, well written and promising. I have no English degree so the 'nuts and bolts' I'll leave to others.
Backed.

Your battle scene is well thought out and has great detail, but you need to reconsider how you enter into it. I wouldn't recommend starting the story with a physical description of the main character. You can show that in on the side as the story is told. Also, you need to give the reader a reason to root for the main character's army other than the fact that the story is told from his perspective. Why is his side more important? Why should the reader care who wins? Think of it like a boxing match. If you are flipping channels and see two fighters you've never heard of, you might just keep on flipping. But if you see a fighter you know is a cocky prick against a fighter you know has overcome cancer, then you're more likely to stick around and cheer on the hero.

The point is, if you are going to immediately start with a battle, you must give the reader a reason to passionately care who wins and loses.

Well, The updated version finally came. My computer had an error, and I couldn't update it. I worked a bit on making the beginning better, and did a bit to help connect to Hersek a bit more. Thank you for the great advice. I will work to incorporate everything that you have to say into my writing.
Ethan Petno
Betrayal

Lots of good advice from the community here which I would thoroughly endorse. For sure you have raw talent but there's still alot of learning to do. Still going to back you for encouragement, a fresh milieu in terms of fantasy and for some interesting dialogue and ideas. Writing is a craft - read, read, read and write, write, write -and you'll improve your work. Good luck.

your pitch is your shop window. your shop window is empty. mistake.

ethan i came along because you so kindly backed my Eton Mothers' Handbook, so i admit that your book falls outside my preferred field.

however, in brief, your writing will improve if you read more and see how it's done. you've made a great start and i hope you have the staying power to work at this until you learn the craft.

do you want to see how it's done? open harry potter and check out the first page. have a look at cutley's masterpieces on authonomy. read Mummy's Boy.

there are techniques which have to be learned and will dramatically improve your tale.

xx
m

I see that the pitches have already been addressed. As to a lot of the nits that I picked up. You should really take into consideration what the people below have said.
That said, this idea is one that resonates well with me.
Is this fantasy? I would think adventure maybe, not sure what happens later though.
I think you should break your chapters up. Upload them individually. This will make it easier on the reader.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor