Nihility

Great story, real polished writing I'll rate with three stars.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

You are totally fantastic, Tami! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to be sure that I have ****** 'd your book :) - could you please look to see if you've ****** 'd mine? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart, because I'm 14 from the top of the editor's desk & every ****** 'ing & backing moves our books closer. :)

Thank you, Susie! I will be heading over to check out your memoirs. :) Glad you enjoyed it, this is the first time I've added the new prologue to it, so I'm glad to hear it worked well. ;)

Dear Tami, I love your pitch & prologue & how it set me to read your exciting challenging story. :) I love "I'll start at his beginning" - your greatest line. :) I also love that you have really crisp dialogue which brought me so quickly to the end of chapter 9. :) Your "scoring" scene was good, too. :) I've read, commented on, backed, & ****** 'd your book :) - could you please back & ****** my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :)

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 6 hours later :)

Mark,
My apologies for the extreme lateness of this reply. I've had a lot of problems with this site (uploading, not reviews) and for the most part, gave up on posting my work here. You're comments were very helpful, I appreciate honesty ... I don't like 'fluff' reviews. Does nothing to help us improve. I've done major edits since I posted the story here, I wish I could share, but as I said the site doesn't like to accept my uploads. I do plan on return to the site after some computer/software upgrades, maybe then things will work better. Hope to catch your story, and many others! Thanks again! Tami

Thank you so much, Owen! Unfortunately, I've had major issues with trying to upload my work to this site, so I'm not around often. I'm hoping a few computer upgrades (and maybe some software upgrades) will help solve the issue. Glad you liked it! :)

cracking pitch that compells the reader into a great vampire story that seems different from the others on here. There are several layers running here and the writing holds it all together with taut imagery and well written characters with different dimensions that make them real. Very well done indeed.

Tami I love vampire stories and this one did not disappoint. I enjoyed the opening and setting of your story, the writing is compelling and the descriptions intelligent.
Best wishes
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Tami, a dramatic title and pitch always help to sell books, so you're off to a good start. Once in the read you've certainly got some story going here, and the descriptive element is good, if in places a tad cliched. I thought it was a little slow to get going, but otherwise this is just the right read for the market you're targeting. Backed for great potential.

HI Tami,
The first chapter is full of action and compells the reader to keep going. The story is very well written and the quality of writting stays strong all the way through, and the detail of the descriptions is excellent. Happy to place on my shelf.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

Tami, I'm going to be honest with you here, unlike those before me.
But please remember, this is in my opinion only, and you don't have to accept what my opinion is.

Your story, on the whole, is like all the others here, including mine, it's just a story.
What sets all these stories apart is how they are told/written, how characters interact with each other, how their dialogue is used to make them seem real to the reader, and how the narrative keeps the story moving along without getting bogged down in the neighbours well-trimmed bushes!

Your characters, in the first instance, have to be believable, what makes them that way is how YOU draw them. The scene in chapter five with Darla, Mac, Steven and Andy at the house after Sandi walked out, that started off fine, believable even, but soon crumbled into bad actors playing a poorly-written scene. Darla gave-in too easily, telling Andy where Sandi was. Andy far to readily said 'if that's what she wants then fine', then immediately said he'd have her back. All of this and your dialogue previous to this, made your characters false, thus spoiling the story. And I'm guilty of the same thing, I have written and re-written dialogue and still find it lacking, yet no one wants to say because of fear of retaliation. They just want you to back their book and will lie to you in order to make that happen. I try to read others before they read mine so they tend to be a little more honest, or in some cases, vengeful.

Anyway, back to your book.
Earlier, when Andy woke with the sweats and Sandi started to make the coffees, the scene with the "cup throwing" came out of the blue. I was shocked thinking I'd missed something, then reading that part again I realised I'd missed nothing, and couldn't come to terms with how the scene changed so rapidly. There you needed to build up the scene, give the reader something to get his/her teeth into. You need to give the reader a hint as to how unhappy Sandi is before the cup hits the wall, give the reader a chance to have empathy with her, your reader will feel much more rewarded for it, and that's what your reader wants, that's why we read fiction ... emotional payment for reading a story. Without that, it all comes to nothing.

Sorry for the negative nature of this comment, Tami, but I feel if people don't start telling each other the truth about their writing, how the hell are we meant to improve?

On the strength of you editing this for the better, I will give it my support.

Mark.

Nihility is a distinctive and well-written story that will appeal to the fantasy/horror readership. The prologue is dramatic with some good pace and horror scenes. It leads fairly seamlessly into the main narrative. Overall this should do well. Backed.
The only advice I can give is to have a thorough review to root out cliches [eyes grew to the size of saucers, chill ran through his veins, and so on]. Your writing is better than that. Good luck

You have a slight tendency to overwrite. Classic example is when Andy flicked on the bedside lamp "with one fluid motion". I laughed aloud at that.

But overall you treat your subject with respect and have some fun with it at the same time. I like some horror in my fantasy and this has taken me through a couple of chapters effortlessly.

Would I read on? Stuck on a train or lying on a beach with time on my hands? Yes, I would.

I admit, you sucked me with the dream and I kept reading, searching for the moment he meets the man with the accent and long hair. Well done, Tami. I enjoyed this. Read until chapter 6, where they met again. Great writing, amazing suspense, normal MC with flaws...love it and shelved.

Ednah (The NEphilim Awakening)

interesting pitch – this guy has got plenty stacked against him... missing fiancé, best friend dead, wasting lung disease, and mysterious memories of the sewers.

this is very taut writing – real hairs-on-the-back-of-neck kind of stuff.

(small issue – you might want to put a space between paragraphs, break the text up a bit... makes it nicer to read on screen..).

i like this lots, soI’m giving this a spin on my rotating shelf and wish you well with it.

freddie
("honour")

An action packed opening chapter with a dark and eerie mood which I do appreciate. You have set up the interest, mystery and suspense that keeps the reader engaged and leads them on to want to find out more. Your use of description is clear and accurate so that the movements around the dumpster and the boys observations can easily be followed.
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

You start with a blast and then chill down to the mundanities. It's a good start, it's well written but needs tightened, but I'm sure you know that. I'd like to see this when it's finished.

Backed.

John (Chained Chaos)

Hi, I've had this on my WL for absolutely ages and have really been looking forward to reading it. You don't disappoint! Very chilling and a fantastic opening. I like your writing very much - it's a strong, assured voice and dialogue is realistic and the pace is great. I hate reading on screen or I would merrily have continued (but not just before bedtime!).
How annoying that you can't upload corrected chapters. I know this problem does seem to pop up occasionally. have you messaged the site about it?
Anyhow, happy to back you with this.
Jane
Walker

Punctuation and tighter prose would help this story along immensley. Saying that, I found myself picturing the entire scene and was drawn in.

Do I not back it for using a , instead of a ; ?

or for using was when describing his braided hair... when a better sentence could have been constructed without it?


Or do I back the story for elements that are present, and strong elements at that?

I think you know the answer.... backed.

Still ensure to make it tighter. (I'm sure you will probably say the same about me. lol.)

Great story. Shelved to read some more.
This took me in and entertained...lots of luck with it.
Mikey..............The Free

Thank you, Paxie!

I will get on these corrections. You're probably right about that last part. I'll toy with it a bit. It'll take a while to get this updated though, the site likes to fight with me. ~L~ I'm glad you liked it!

Tami

I made a few notes as I read:-

would heavy footsteps - drift ?
black, leather riding boots.......(no comma)
'Wait ' .....can you call out in a low voice ?

I think if would have more punch at the end of chapter one to say that Andy experienced a feelng he didn't recognise,,,,,,fear, apprehension, the twin forces of adrenalin fuelled terror and morbid excitement.........than to say he had felt like this a few times before.....

Fabulous premise and a well crafted storyline.....Shelved.

Thank you, Andrew!

I do have a bad habit of getting wordy. Some readers really seem to like it, and others don't, which has made it interesting to try and edit. ~L~ I do see what you mean though, there are several sentences that could still use some trimming. I've also heard that most agents and editors want so see (it seems) a darn near flawless MS for them to start with. I'm sure that's not entirely true, but I do still have some work to do.

Your examples were very helpful. Thanks again!

Good story, and the promise of good writing. My first impression is that you enjoy using every word you can think of in a sentence, which is exactly what I do. What would make this pick up it's pace and read a lot smoother would be to pare back those words that are all unnecessary. Let me give you an example if I may.

First sentence: 'The rhythmic, hypnotic flashing lights skipped across the buildings and danced along the windows in a bizarre disco.'

What you are essentially saying is: 'The lights flashed.'

You are going a very long way about it, and that smothers the pace and the ability to be absorbed into the writing somewhat. Don't get me wrong, as a standalone sentence, it is rather poetic, but I just don't think it does your plot any favours. Let me accentuate the fact that I do exactly the same thing.

No, there isn't any need to get as stark as, 'The lights flashed,' but you can trim the sentence down to get it a bit more economic. How much you trim it by is preference, you may wish to leave it as it is, some readers may prefer the bare minimum, and a whole host of other combinations in between. I have been reliably informed that agents and publishers of commercial fiction do like writing to be pretty trim, so bear that in mind.

So, a start on that sentence could be: 'Flashing lights danced along the buildings.' Or any other combination of the words you used. The point I am trying to make is that if you tell the reader that the lights are rhythmic, hypnotic AND flashing, they have got the picture three times and will have been knocked off their stride a bit. I hope all this makes sense, and take a look at some of the comments on my book if you want more examples where mine have been ripped to shreds, to give you an idea on how to pare down a sentence.

Andrew

Thank you, Robert!

It's kind of difficult to use the element of surprise in horror books. After all, there isn't any 3D enhanced bad guy to spring out from around a corner...but at the same time, it's kind of fun to play on people's imaginations and let them scare themselves. ;) I'm glad you liked it. Thanks again for the support! :)

Great action, suspense and some terror. I especially like the part with the aristocratic vampire (I assume) character meeting him while trying to hide his accent. Those touches of character make this more than just a horror book, but a tale that readers can identify with. Surely we can all identify with Andy's terror in that situation, as well as when he is in the sewer.

You also use the element of surprise to your advantage, as well as the element of distraction. Here's what I mean: You have Andy running down the sewer, he bumps into something, feels pain on his face and in his head. You have now distracted the reader into wondering, along with Andy, what this pain is, which turns out to be a broken nose. The thing he bumped into on the floor is not exactly forgotten, but you have lured our minds away with the broken nose. Then, when he finds the corpse, the surprise is much more intense than if he had just bumped into, found it and identified it for what he was. Plus you have the added lurid element of the blood from the broken nose, on his face and on his shirt.

You know your craft. Well done. Shelved.

Thank you, Kim!

I really appreciate the kind review! I will try to go in and modify that long pitch, some days the site lets me and some days it doesn't. ~L~ I'm glad you liked it, thanks again for the backing. :)

Hi Tami!

You've got the gift of descriptive prose - probably one of the best I have seen around here. You put the reader right into the scene, into the heads of your characters, so that we can see and feel everything as if we're sitting right there. This is a great delivery for a horror novel!

Your pitch and premise are very well done, though I would suggest you section the long pitch into multiple paragraphs. Other than that, I've got no nits to pick - this is really fabulous! Backed with pleasure.

Kim
Invisible Justice

Thank you ML! I corrected that error, but unfortunately the site keeps fighting with me on updating the chapters. I'm thrilled that you liked it, thanks for the support! :)

Tami,

This was terrifying. I want to know what happened to the poor boy. What a creepy atmosphere you create and the horror element is so powerfully rendered.

I noticed one spot where you said "had" instead of "hand" when he put his hand on the corpse. Other than that it was a clean read.

On my shelf,

ML

Wow, thank you Shoshanna! The nightmare, what happened to the boy, is brought up again later on in the book. I'm glad the tension came through and held. ;) There are still somethings I need to correct, but hopefully I'll find someone to pick it up soon.

Thank you, TL! I've been fighting with the passive/active voice. These first chapters were written 12+ years ago and it appears I still have some editing to do on them. ~L~ I really appreciate your review, it really helps to hear what others have to say about the strong and weak points. :) I will upload a newer version, as soon as I get some of those corrected and the site allows me to. ;)

This is good. I like this. I think nihilism is intriquiging and every time I hear the word I think of the Big Lebowski, "We are nihilist Lebowski, we believe in nothing."
This starts out with a bang, with lines like "mouth of the alley" & "even grimy and a afraid he gave himself a silent kudos." This is a strong beginning, showing and not telling. As the chapter went on I found you were telling more than showing. YOu have a lot of sentences that start with 'he' and 'his' when perhaps you could twist the sentence and make them less tell. For example:
He slowly turned his head and looked over his shoulder------Slowly turning his head, he looked over his shoulder.
He tread water, coughing and hacking while...------Treading water, he coughed and hacked while....

It would cut down on the he did this, he did that, then he did this, then he did that.
It would create a smoother pace.
I love this idea. It is dark and gritty and I really was drawn into it.
Hope to see this rise in the charts.
T.L Tyson-SEeking Eleanor

this is a nail-biting, on the edge of your seat continually turning the page to see what comes next brilliant story. I don't normally read horror but this story grabbed my attention and wouldn't let go until I finished it. If this book had been in my hands I would have read it in one night and bought several copies for friends who I know would love the book.

Thanks C.P. I took a look at that scene and it is a little strange. I'm going to edit it in my original file and update when I can. Right now I'm having a really hard time uploading files to the site. About the having coffee and then going to bed, as strange as that sounds, it's a regular habit of mine. ~L~ I've had coffee for so long every day that the caffine has very little effect on me.

Nightmares and lack a sleep can wear on anybody and you have done a fine job a showing that. The story clips along at a nice pace. Could use a little more show than tell. But over all it reads well. There were some strange thing regarding the coffee. First they make coffee and tea but go to bed without drinking it. And then he gets up in the morning makes a cup of coffee, downs it and goes back to bed hoping to fall asleep. Weird. Good luck with this. On my shelf C.P

Nihility: Beginnings

Hi Tami,

A great chilling start, I was, I have to say a little disappointed that it all seems to have been a dream at the start of chapter two.

I know, big no,no to start with a dream these days. Though, there is a point to it later on. ;) I'm glad you still enjoyed it and thank you for the backing!

Nihility: Beginnings

Hi Tami,

A great chilling start, I was, I have to say a little disappointed that it all seems to have been a dream at the start of chapter two. Compelling writing, pace is maintained as we rush through to the horror and you build the tension very well. The concept behind this book is original and powerful and your writing made it a pacy and exciting read. Well done, this should do very well here, a horror thriller that packs a real visceral punch. You write tension well and I look forward to coming back and reading more sometime soon.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Thank you, KJ! Yeah, Andy's had a bad life and things have a bad habit of blowing up in his face just when he thinks the worst is over. I have been trying to add a few more chapters, but I haven't been able to. Some kind of error keeps happening. I'm glad that you liked what I've gotten posted. With a bit of luck, maybe I can get the rest of it up soon.

I am here in regards to our swap agreement. Of course my luck being what it is, the website is now acting up and I cannot read any book. I'll try to swing by later to read what you have posted. Meanwhile, you already have the backing. If you get the chance when the website is working again, would love your comments on my book, but it's not mandatory, just at your leisure. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

A tense dream sets the tone of this. In chapter one we find Andy's demons and it looks like his girlfriend is a little stressed about the relationship. Things seem to be going badly for Andy, although his background is pretty grim. It's hard not to be sympathetic towards him. I'm curious about what's coming around up and the blurb promises this to be a good read. You've got me there - feeling for poor Andy just as the mysteries start piling up. Well done - shelved.

I only read the prologue, this is anybody's worst nightmare, particularly because a boy that is easy to bond with is being 'hunted'. It is also way over in horror, how can this be topped? And yet the whole thing is so well wrtten it becomes nail-biting reading. Not my choice, but it certainly has my admiration, backed
BADD

Tami,
You have a great story working here. Gotta feel for Andy, all the nightmares, abandoned as a child and then Sandi takes a powder, poof gone. That was quite a gripping opening, all sounded so real and scary. The narrative is very descriptive and the dialogue crisp and natural, so I don't have many suggestions from my editor's eye. Just keep writing. Oh yeah, I did see one typo at the beginning .... setting his had down....
Fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Thank you, Lori! I'm very happy to hear that you enjoyed it. :)

Intriguing...gripping...riveting...all right, I'll come right out and say I just loved it! Shelved!

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

I like the pitch very much, and the opening scene is gripping.

Just a suggestion, but I think you could cut some words to make this even more immediate and sharper:

The rhythmic, hypnotic flash of lights skipped across the front of the buildings and danced along the windows. The boy (for reader engagement, and since this is written from his point of view, it would be good if he was given a name) crouched lower, hiding his thin frame in the shadows. If they spotted him, they’d take him home, but being escorted home by police officers would not please the latest foster parents.
Heavy footsteps sounded at the mouth of the alley. He jumped back, stifling a yelp as his elbow smacked against brick wall behind. He flattened against the ground and peered under the dumpster. A pair of polished black shoes entered his view and stopped. He held his breath. The glowing butt of a cigarette hit the ground and bounced a few times. One of the shoes lifted up, then came down, grinding the embers into ashes. The boy bit his lip against the pain in his elbow. After the shoes had stamped off, he pushed himself to a sitting position and rubbed his elbow. Damn. Another bruise the fosters would fret over. Closing his eyes, he sucked in the cool night air. What would he tell them this time? Nothing, of course. Just say it happened on the playground again. That was it. Brilliant. Problem solved. He peered around the edge of the dumpster. Two men, in suits, walked out into the middle of the road. They stopped next to the white sheet that covered the body. These must be the detectives.

Shelved for a richly suspenseful tale -

AlleJo

I've been going back and forth about putting his name in there. A couple of people (off line) mentioned that too, so you're probably right, might give people a little more connection with the character.

The wordiness, yeah, need to work on that. ~L~ Impossible to be objective about your own stuff.

Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it.

I like the pitch very much, and the opening scene is gripping.

Just a suggestion, but I think you could cut some words to make this even more immediate and sharper:

The rhythmic, hypnotic flash of lights skipped across the front of the buildings and danced along the windows. The boy (for reader engagement, and since this is written from his point of view, it would be good if he was given a name) crouched lower, hiding his thin frame in the shadows. If they spotted him, they’d take him home, but being escorted home by police officers would not please the latest foster parents.
Heavy footsteps sounded at the mouth of the alley. He jumped back, stifling a yelp as his elbow smacked against brick wall behind. He flattened against the ground and peered under the dumpster. A pair of polished black shoes entered his view and stopped. He held his breath. The glowing butt of a cigarette hit the ground and bounced a few times. One of the shoes lifted up, then came down, grinding the embers into ashes. The boy bit his lip against the pain in his elbow. After the shoes had stamped off, he pushed himself to a sitting position and rubbed his elbow. Damn. Another bruise the fosters would fret over. Closing his eyes, he sucked in the cool night air. What would he tell them this time? Nothing, of course. Just say it happened on the playground again. That was it. Brilliant. Problem solved. He peered around the edge of the dumpster. Two men, in suits, walked out into the middle of the road. They stopped next to the white sheet that covered the body. These must be the detectives.

Shelved for a richly suspenseful tale -

AlleJo