Undercover Messiah

I am interested in your book and am putting it on my watchlist. I will be reading parts of it as soon as I can. In that it is related to the Bible, it perhaps bears some similarity to my own book, which, if you are a Christian, potential Christian, or a thoughtful and objective skeptic in this regard, you might enjoy. Its title is "Things Are Not as They Seem."

Much more enjoyable than expected, given the slightly blasphemous subject. :-)
One point of advice, solely for Authonomy purposes- it's easier to read (and to come back to if one has to leave) if you actually upload your chapters separately. That also would help to get rid of the frustrating amounts of white space you have showing here.

Backed; good luck!
~Karilyn
Garden of Souls

Why is it that all the time machines seem to exist in the Victorian age. Well, I get H.G Wells anyway. I'm sure such travels would make me a changed man. Anyway, your premise is very intriguing. Going back in time and hanging out with the apostles. "Get your silly, potato-eating, Irish butt over here." I'm enjoying this so far. "Something tells me we'll have a fun journey." Backed for now.

Brilliant premise with solid writing that is thought provoking and stops you in your tracks at times. I would love to take the journey they have taken to see for myself what really happened but this is as close as I'm getting to seeing for myself. Thisis so good, I would love to see it as a movie because there is a great balance between comedy and seriousn ess even down to the depiction of the characters. This is potentially world changing so there is a constant danger of history about to fall about. great stuff

Clever premise, and told with flair without being self-indulgent. This is quite good; happy to back it for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

I love books that cross genre divides, and this has got to be one of the best I've read for an age. It was gripping, fast-paced and interesting right from the start. You make great use of descriptions and dialogue, and it makes for a stunning read. Arthur's fabulous, and there's a dry wit that is neatly encapsulated in the Victorian style.

Backed with pleasure!

Abi xxx

Hi Greg! Your book has finally reached the top of my WL and I have just read your prologue and 2 chapters. I will be backing it wholeheartedly when I finish these comments. You are an excellent writer and your voice is perfect for this. Also, the character development of O’Malley is right on the money. I have made a few comments per chapter but please note that I’m not an expert. However, I have been told by many that I’m pretty darn good at this. Let’s see what you think….
PROLOGUE: I think I would delete the two sentences that pertain to the fever and the disinfectant. Just seems to be a stronger paragraph without them. I would also delete the sentence that begins ‘The gang…’ and ‘It hurt.’ which is obvious by your previous words. instead, add something like ‘and hence, the chase…’ after ‘vengeful’, again leaving a more tension-filled paragraph (but I really do like the last part of the sentence). All of these changes, I believe, will make your prologue short, sweet, and above all, more powerful.
CHAPTER ONE: Perhaps delete ‘almost certainly’ for more story tension. Same with ‘only’ in the following sentence. You have used the word ‘eventually’ twice in another sentence..in my opinion, neither are needed and the sentence would be stronger without them. (I will no longer address ‘-ly’ adverbs, except in my final thoughts.) You mentioned that Mr. O’Malley was mentioned twice in literature, but I only see your explanation regarding one mention. I would move ‘in County Limerick’ to just after ‘neighbors’…or am I not getting some intended sarcasm? I would add ‘We’ before ‘Crofters’ in ‘Crofters differed from…’ for immediacy. Perhaps change ‘beyond’ to ‘to practice’ or ‘to embrace’, the latter a bit of play on words. I would change ‘exaggerations’ to ‘skepticism’ which would be cause to eliminate ‘the strangeness of’ which seems a bit awkward. Great line concerning the absence of human sacrifice and chicken heads! I would delete ‘plus’ after ‘twenty-four’, lending more strength to the sentence. Add ‘in’ before ‘shirtsleeves’…perhaps a typo? I would replace ‘unconscious’ with some other descriptive word as I can’t figure why the girl’s dance would be ‘unconscious’. Oh! Here is the second mention of your MC in literature! Very good then. Although, I think I would delete the last part of the sentence, ending it at ‘Last Supper’, leaving the paragraph to be a very powerful chapter ending hook.
CHAPTER TWO: I would changed ‘sufficed’ to ‘survived’ or ‘been welcome’. ‘Sufficed’ just doesn’t seem to fit here. Perhaps change ‘nocturnal companions’ to something like ‘the previous evening’s’ or ‘imbibing’ or something similar as right now, it almost sounds like O’Malley had slept with the guy, which I’m quite sure is not your intention. I think ‘perhaps was not chosen of God’ might be smoother as ‘as perhaps not chosen by God’. Although I very much like the rest of that paragraph. Very well written! No need for an exclamation point after ‘university.’ The excitement is ingrained in your words. I absolutely loved the hook at the end of the chapter.
Well, that is it. I do need to caution you as to your many uses of ‘-ly’ words like ‘luckily’, ‘obsessively’, ‘certainly’, ‘only’ and many more. It is my strong feeling that, in almost every case (dialogue being one exception) a sentence becomes stronger and carries more story tension when these pesky adverbs are deleted. Try it and I think you might see what I mean. Also, you have many opportunities for dialogue in Chapter 2. I would take those opportunities as dialogue lends emotion to your story as well as picks up pace. Emotion helps create the bond between your MC and your reader and should be utilized at every turn. I hope you can decipher my comments and I hope that some of them help. All in all, I very much liked your story…I hope that in the near future I can pick it up in my local bookstore. You are a VERY talented writer and with just a bit of honest editing, this book promises to be just the creative and compelling story that any publisher of this genre would love to snap up. Good Luck and I’m backing this right now…..

Undercover Messiah

What an imaginative and unique book, this is very impressive stuff.
Your characterisation and the very intelligent wit written into Arthur is fantastic.
This is a very clever and extremely entertain book. Definitely my type of read!

This is a clever story. O'Malley is a likable and sympathetic character because he's suddenly caught up in this situation where he more or less rewrites the Bible. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Well done.
I like the idea of making the quester after truth such a completely amoral scamp as Arthur (fortunately having cast off much of the immoral trappings of his upbringing).

The incident with Elvis was a delicious appetizer.

"Jesus has always attracted the strangest people...now he's pulling in foreigners."
"Hello...I'm just the beginning."
Hard to top that as a one-liner!

And I love Jesus' practical side, as evinced in his choice of apostles: "This lot is entertaining but somewhat unreliable. We require supplements. Honest, tough fishermen should do nicely"

Shelving this and looking forward with enthusiasm to completing the read soon.

Wendy Bertsch
(Once More...From The Beginning)

Well crafted andcertainly unique! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Greg, your prologue is intriguing. The first chapter is a smooth read. Nothing to nitpick in these sections.

Shelved!

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Hi Greg, What an enjoyable portrayal of this fictional character. Your technique in resurrecting him was effective and I liked his narrative voice. You did very well in convincing of his Victorian time and then the trip to 2000 was funny. Each time scene is immediate and the narration stable so I wish I could read more about his travels to Jerusalem and how he was the water-bearer. A pleasure to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I certainly like the concept of this book, and I really like Arthur. He's got a dry wit about him which I was immediately drawn to. I did feel there was a lot of background information in the beginning which might have been more effective if drizzled into the story. But then again, I was looking, immediately, for the time machine and the travels to begin. So it might be just me :)

Backed
David :)

Hi Greg, I think this was a return read.

I'll start with what I like about this story, the premise. It's orginal and in places very witty. I'm always interested in stories that take on religion . But I did find the writing a bit clunky, chp 1 especially. The reptetition of Dr San Germaine grated after a bit, but that is just my opinion as there are plenty of names on here (people I respect) who think differently. The writing for me gets betters as you go along. I have dipped into some of your later chpts and it seems to have a stronger voice and the prose flow much better, maybe working some that into your opener would make things run a little smoother. I would also suggest taking on board what Bradley Wind and KR have said.
I did like the way you introduced Aurthur, as a man we all knew yet anonumous and the reference to HG Wells is also clever.
Overall I think this is a strong idea and with a bit of work it could turn out to be a real gem which is why I am backing it.
Cat
Judas Kiss
P.S. I love the title!

Greg, I hate saying this but I can only second what KR says in his first two lines.

But, then again...

The landlords narration was funny, until then I was asking myself, where is the time machine?

All in all, you need to show people what is happenning in your book, "show not tell" is the phrase, look it up on google.

Now don't be disheartened, read my intro and my favourite quote.

I'm one eighth Irish myself, but that is not why I will be backing this.

Writers unite and write, write, and write.

Eleanor.

Hi Greg
Well you asked for my version of the truth about this, so here goes: I think the plot you outline in your pitch is great. But, I’m afraid you didn’t quite deliver for me once I started reading the book.

The action of the prologue is good stuff – you provide the questions the reader will want to get answers to ie why is he running, and who from? But I couldn’t ‘see’ the scene. Saying the forest is beautiful is great, but why, how? A specific visual would bring it to life. I loved the last sentence of the prologue so I read on.

But I don’t love a narrator who talks to me the way Arthur does, it puts me at a distance, I can’t immerse myself in the story because I’m having it ‘told’ to me. It may just be personal preference, but I prefer to ‘live’ the story, to be put inside a character’s head and see and feel what they see and feel. If you made a decision to do it this way fine, but if not it may be worth considering if you might encounter many readers who’d react as I did. Of course the old fashioned style suits the period of our narrator, but modern readers aren’t all so forgiving.

I also found the fact that chapter one was all backstory a bit disappointing. The action of the prologue had tempted me in, but chapter one left me hanging. I read chapter two without feeling gripped and then scan read to see when the story you’d lured me in for actually began and think I spotted it half way through chapter five. Is this really complete at 30k words or did you just hit the wrong button? If 30k is all there is, then my suggestion to lose a chunk off the front won’t go down well, will it? On the other hand, it was the thought of Arthur encountering Jesus and the devil which grabbed me, surely you can make more of that?

I really do think you’ve got a great concept and an intriguing character here. I’m afraid I just wasn’t sold on the execution. I do wish you luck.
Regards
K

Well hell. It's ballsy.

Mark R. Trost
"Post Marked."

I enjoyed reading this, found the prose and the wit a good combination. Loved hearing about the Crofters and the paster is a well developed character. My favourite ine is, 'Small pieces of memory returned like broken shards of an incomplete mirror. A very clever read.
Backed
Christina
From Under the Bed

I enjoyed reading this, found the prose and the wit a good combination. Loved hearing about the Crofters and the paster is a well developed character. My favourite ine is, 'Small pieces of memory returned like broken shards of an incomplete mirror. A very clever read.
Backed
Christina
From Under the Bed

Hi,

I have backed you book because I found it eminently readable
and have to cover 25 books a day just to keep my place on here.
If you would like a more specific comment please return the favor.
Good luck with it.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

This is an excellent book. Arthur is a very real character, and you have made him someone easy to relate to, full of faults, but none of the faults unpleasant ones. He is a kind, amusing, adventurous and basically moral person, if not in the areas of sex and alcohol. The time travel makes an interesting plot, and Arthur's plan to go back to meet Jesus and to try to prevent his death is one which is attractive in itself. Your opening is exciting and gripping, and when you go on to introduce Wells and Conan Doyle into your story you succeed in bringing your chosen period setting to life. When Arthur goes back in time and meets John the Baptist and later Jesus you manage to make your characters real people, no easy task with well known historical figures. A delightful book. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Greg, I love the voice in this. You've chosen to tell your (outlandish vibrant exotic delicious) tale on a platform that is thoroughly accessible and instantly gripping. What a ride! Shelved. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Greg,
The only thing I would suggest is, the next time you upload a revision, reduce the size of your main heading.
It is so big now that the we can't increase the font size. And I found the font too small to read very much of your story.
I read only enough to see that there is good writing here.
Will spin on my shelf for a bit.
MickR - The Nightcrawler.

Liked it!
Backed it!
A look at mine would be appreciated.
Frank, Sicilian Shadows.

Greg,
I'm not sure the prologue is working for me. I think I get that you want to get the action started after reading the first chapter but it just doesn't add for me...I must add I rarely like a prologue though...well, maybe a 1/4 of the time so possibly just ignore me.
While I think it interesting to weave Wells into it...I'm not sure I'm That ready for a digression right from the start. Maybe move it further on? probably not...not sure...
Might take the time to actually split this up into separate files and upload into chapters...is very helpful to readers that way.
Solid craftsmanship otherwise and wishing you the best of luck!
-=Bradley

Hi Greg.
Upon reading your pitch, my immediate thought was of the 1969 Nebula Award-winning novel Behold the Man, by Michael Moorcock (if you haven't already, I would recommend your reading of said novel).
Fortunately, you have taken your story in a completely different direction to Mr. M – finding The Christ (and faith) as opposed to creating him - so there should be few worries about losing out to his novel in a head-to-head.

Yours is a short work that could definitely stand extending further - if not into novel length - as there would be much of interest to relate about life with and around Christ. You might care to explore or explode a few myths – after all, who could question you? Only another time traveller.
By a strange coincidence, I once wrote a short story about 3 working class gents inadvertently travelling back to attend the birth of Christ and ultimately becoming the 3 “not so wise” men. Since stripped down to little more than a whimsy, it now appears as chapter 18 of the Au version of my book, Hell's Angel.

As your novella stands at present, it would benefit from a good proof-reading.
There are a few typos to weed out (Example: “Study sandals” which would probably serve better if sturdy) and, to my mind, there are many areas that require improved punctuation.
Example: H.G. Wells in his novel The Time Machine identified me only as “the Silent Man” describing a “quiet, shy man with a beard.” In this instance I would suggest a few more commas and the repositioning of the final full stop.
There were also a few sentences that made for a strange read. Example: I hadn't yet developed fever though a stout fever would have warned me.
So presumably he will, at some point, develop a fever which will warn him of what, exactly?

I also feel that there is a deal of superfluity within your story: Eventually, Dr. San Germaine was eventually eclipsed (2 x eventually) and (chapter 1: Para 3) 4 x the name “San Germaine” - this swamps the text, yet it would be quite simple to remove 2 SGs and thus improve the flow of the narrative.

I liked the way you began your tale by weaving the legend of your character into the world of Wells, et al - however, Nikola Tesla, not Nicola - but have to admit I struggled to find a constant “voice” with your character. It was upon arriving at chapter 5 that I was reminded he was from the 19th century (you offered no launch date) but never really felt he sounded as such. To me, the voice fluctuated too much - “Perhaps” in some passages and “Mayhap” in others - with abbreviated words such as “I'd” and “he'd” striking me as sounding anything but Victorian.
Also, as an Irish-born Australian, I would have preferred him to use “our” spellings rather than “or” - Colour v Color.
I need to be careful here, because the last time I suggested what I'm about to suggest to you, the recipient got all precious and stated he had no need to read the work of an amateur writer when he could go direct to source – presumably he had either the ability to travel in time or to reanimate dead 19th century novelists! - have you read “The Time Traveller, Smith”, by jcmcl? It is here on Au. Great voice!

A question for you, sir. What do YOU expect from your work? Was it written purely to test your skills or procure a deal?
If the latter, you would, in my opinion, have a far greater chance of selling a novel than a novella.
You have the bones of a story (30K bones) but will (and can) these bones be used to create the full-blown skeleton of a mammoth?!
I will gladly shelve the notion of your novella, but would like to come back at some time to read the full, edited novel.
All the best,
Steve.

I read almost all of it. It is very funny, iconoclastic, totally different to anything on this site. I love the mock Victorian language and pedantry and the faux-link to HG Wells. Brilliant.
Shelved.
Frank

An enjoyable flight of fancy. This is the kind of novel I buy. Kooky irreverence and the irresistable draw of a good story well told.
It was on my shelf weeks ago, and I kept it on my W/L because I wanted to read more. I read more and will buy it as soon as it's published.
bred flink

What a crazy and imaginative mind you have, Greg! Other than the desire for the good scrub of a solid copyedit, I thoroughly in enjoyed the voice in this story. Quite well done, and a fun concept too. Your book has been backed for an age, but I'm just coming in for a peek.

Outstanding!
~Cheri

The Time Machine has to be one of my favourite novels and the way you introduce your MC with linkages to various other books is very good and effective. I warmed to your book immediately and read with enthusiasm. The plot is brilliant and the story is well written and I would love to buy this and read it all. I will back this with great pleasure now and carry on reading.

It would make an easier read if you split this into separate chapters, also if uploading changes, it would be quicker.

Tony
Life Bringer

I never should have killed Elvis. Snigger.

This is my sort of romp. Lots of stolen 19th Century figures real and fictional. And biblical...and anything else you care to purloin.

Skunkey Monkey!!!

Backed and I shall read some more for pleasure.

I really like the premise of this. I did enjoy my short read and will get back to this for a more detailed look :D

First thing that jarred with me. You’re in a British forest, yet spell colour like an American. That tells me you’re either an American author, (Canadians have the ‘u’ like the Brits), or you have a US spellchecker.

It took me out of the story though

Back to it.

Clever idea. Oh, we’re in Aus. Now, how do the Aussies spell colour... ? And then back to Britain.

Watch for the exclamation marks, you have a few too many of them. Use sparingly, and preferably not at all.

All that aside this is an inventive, original story and the pace and style works well.

Backed

Lorrii

Undercover Messiah uses HG Wells' time machine cleverly as the launch pad for Arthur's heroic journey back in time to biblical Palestine. The prologue set the scene well. I liked the strong narrative flow and sardonic humour of the opening chapters. Your writing style and idiom seemed to me to be entirely suited to the period, and some phrases stood out; my favourite is your description of waking up with a hangover - 'small pieces of memory returned like broken shards of an incomplete mirror'. I have no hesitation in backing this.

A most enjoyable read. I've read the first few chapters and will put this on my shelf as I look forward to reading more.
Carole

Hello Greg,

Backed with pleasure. Time travel themes have always caught my attention. Well written. Simple and easy reading.

Lalit Navani ( Femme Fatale )

Wickedly funny. I love this.
Backed

Hi Greg,
I love the sly sense of humour that runs through this - shelved

If you break your chapters into Authonomy chapters you will certainly get more reads. Be carefull to add the later chapters BEFORE editing the current chapter 1 as you must keep the work above 10,000 words at all times.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Hi Greg, I love your writing style. The narrators tone is brilliant and your obviously full of imagination. An Irish Protestant from Limerick escaping to Oz, really funny and you have so many of these clever asides throughout. I love the way you construct sentences, there is something quirky about it that I can't put my finger on, it reminds me a little of Terry Pratchett although I''m not sure why. I love the fact that you have sewn Arthur into History and you say The Time Machine was just journalistic reporting, also his appearance in the Bible had me laughing outloud. I really hope this story does well for you, it's definitely on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Well, this is great fun. Thirty-five chapters for the price of one, as well. The author has mastered the literary style of the late Victorians and Edwardians well enough to parody it brilliantly, and to great effect. Even so, the spirit of adventure, curiosity and endeavour of the times shines through, to be matched only by a wicked sense of the absurd. Backed (from the future).

I'm not really sure you need the prologue - it sets an interesting tone, but it's not completely necessary in my opinion - the opening of chapter 1 introduces the idea and the setting fine on its own. I read the first three chapters and I'll say that I liked chapter 2 the best. Something about the lyric quality of the prose caught my eye. I liked the narration without the dialogue and it really showed quite abit about the central character (as it were). Nice work. On my shelf for a bit.

I am so happy to see a completely fresh idea, and even happier to see it written with such finesse. I love the irony of so much of what you've written, and yet you keep it simple and flowing nicely.
backed
-Genevieve
Under The Same Sky
p.s. I hope you'll come see my book sometime.

I absolutely love this premise and just wish I had thought of it first! Ignore all the negativity about punctuation and grammar and all that shite! That can be sorted and I am sure you will continue to work on it! What REALLY matters is the story and you, my friend, have a very funny and unique one! I love it and am wholeheartedly backing it right now!
Simon

Hi, I am at chapter 9. I LOVE what you're doing here. Wish you'd be a touch more authentic than to call him "Jesus". I am captivated on account of the lovely fusion of my own favorite interests. Nice work! Punctuation is less than perfect and I am sure you know there are typos. All in all, it's really good work and I am enjoying it much!

Short snappy chapters of irreverent fun and frolicks, brilliant. I just love this, its clever and witty and bags of deviant fun. I think I'd buy this and put it up beside The Holy bible in my Loo (no disrespect to your book intended, there would be just a delicious sense of irony to it and people really appreciate by loo book shelf).
I'd sandwich it in with a my Beginners guide to Karma. Fabulous and backed.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

Hi Greg,
Read your pitch and got sucked into the story. Very creative, entertaining, and, like the Germaine estate, "surreal and uncomfortable." I liked the idea of a pseudo-scientific Victorian M.C.--it allowed you the luxury of explaining scenes in an introspective/extrospective analytical way that cued the reader in closely to what was happening without "telling" him/her directly. I liked the tone of the book--quite similar to Wells's narration in parts. I liked the ending. It leaves room for a sequel. A publisher might object to the shortness of the book, but this could be overcome by bundling the story in a series of sequels. Occasionally O'Malley seemed to get a bit carried away in explaining things for the reader's sake--making sure we knew what you were getting at. Other than this, I thought this was a very strong piece of writing which I am happy to back.
Niobrara Kardnova (The Trouble with Wives)

Hi Greg,
Read your pitch and got sucked into the story. Very creative, entertaining, and, like the Germaine estate, "surreal and uncomfortable." I liked the idea of a pseudo-scientific Victorian M.C.--it allowed you the luxury of explaining scenes in an introspective/extrospective analytical way that cued the reader in closely to what was happening without "telling" him/her directly. I liked the tone of the book--quite similar to Wells's narration in parts. I liked the ending. It leaves room for a sequel. A publisher might object to the shortness of the book, but this could be overcome by bundling the story in a series of sequels. Occasionally O'Malley seemed to get a bit carried away in explaining things for the reader's sake--making sure we knew what you were getting at. Other than this, I thought this was a very strong piece of writing which I am happy to back.
Niobrara Kardnova (The Trouble with Wives)

Hi Greg. Just rummaging though the books and ran across this one. Loved the pitch. Wow. Lots of questions there...haha. Good job on that.
In my opinion, this is a well written work. Unique. The beginning is great, I can tell from that it's going to be an interesting story. A very different approach. Irreverent? ...not really, funny in places, yes, but I don't think it's disrespectful. The characters are great. Dialog is excellent and with the narration give good explanation of what's going on as it occurs
All in all, from what I've read, I think this will play out as a fine story. On my shelf. The best of luck with this. I believe it will do well here.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Hi Greg,
Before I get to my critique I would like to suggest you break the chapters into how most people on authonomy do. I'm not sure if you will gain a fan from the HC editor if you make the desk one day. Remember your aim is to please the editor as much as possible. That was the best bit of advice I got here a while ago.

Now onto your book, I love the fact you have short chapters, it makes the pace faster and it's more pleasant for the reader. You have a good story here, something that will appeal to some YA readers but I think mostly adults, I guessing they are your target market.

You have a good book here but I strongly suggest you break up into chapters, it shouldn't be that hard - perhaps a little time consuming.

Otherwise it's a book worth backing ... done!

Dylan =)