Read books online - Impeding Justice by Mel Comley

HarperCollins Wrote

This is certainly one of the better manuscripts I’ve read through Authonomy.com. It keeps the reader focussed on the dramatic interest of the story, and remains generally readable throughout.

It does however have a tendency to get a bit confused (in execution, at least) as to where it stands in the crime genre. It moves from the cosier end of crime across to the gritty and violent end, and as the atmosphere doesn’t feel consistent, it weakens both approaches.

To be honest, this tends to come at a much later stage of drafting than the manuscript is currently at. I would also say that even though this is still some way off being of a publishable standard, it is not far short of the quality of some submissions we receive from agents.

As a matter of personal taste, I prefer the grittier and more shocking elements of the story, the sections with the Unicorn himself (rather than through the police’s eyes) are some of the strongest sections of writing. Seeing how heartless he is first-hand gives us a knowledge of what the police are dealing with and what could be at stake. Hearing it from the police feels diluted and can sound slightly cliched. The last two or three chapters feel the most gripping as they escalate the tension and conflict in the story by situating the content towards the more gritty and shocking end of the genre.

The action descriptions were decent, the opening grabs the readers attention even if it does feel a little flat as the reader does not know Pete at all, and finds it hard to really feel any proper sympathy so early on in the story. But, as I said above, it’s the end of the extract where things really start to pick up and it starts feels like a well-plotted page-turning read.

The two main issues I found in reading it were its dialogue and pace, and those are the elements I’d encourage the author to get right to significantly improve the manuscript overall.

In terms of dialogue, the characters say what they mean and think too fully. A lot of good dialogue which is realistic leaves things unsaid, or unfinished, or characters talk to themselves more than each other. In places here, it feels too clinical. The author is focussing too much on giving us information rather than making us believe in the characters which, at the early stages especially, is all-important.

Also, some of the dialogue is too Americanized (eg ‘dump’, ‘bet on that’ ) and jeopardizes the sense of place a really good British crime novel needs, as that does a lot of the work in establishing atmosphere.

A far smaller concern, but one that niggled at me while reading it was that the relationship between Lorne and Tom felt paper-thin. There was so little warmth (perhaps intentional) and the lack of depth in their interactions actually made Lorne feel thinner as a character, which is a shame because she is obviously the main point the reader is supposed to latch on to for the duration of the read.

And the final piece of constructive criticism I’d offer is that the author should address the pace of the extract. It becomes very gripping and readable towards the end because it is structured in a way that allows it to have pace. That’s not to the say the beginning and middle aren’t readable, but that the end begins to approach a publishable standard.

For example, we find out there’s a mole at the end of one of the fairly early chapters. This marks the end of the inital stage of the action where the over-arching conflict has been set up. Within some 10-15 pages, the mole has been revealed and we’ve moved onto two bigger problems – the Unicorn’s threat of terror and the smaller but more emotive danger of Lorne’s daughter.

Why the mole is revealed so quickly I don’t understand – and why the mole is a character who has only been mentioned once or twice before is also baffling. If the mole is someone who we’ve already seen in the story, or one who gets increasingly involved in the story and is revealed later, the stakes and conflict which make the ending of the extract so good could be brought in earlier and sustained and compliment the later stages of the plot development.

If the mole is a subplot which isn’t solved so quickly, but actually presents one or two obstacles to the investigation into the Unicorn, the ‘pay-off’ for when she is discovered will feel much more satisfying to the reader. Using the mole as a plot device to heighten the stakes and tension in the story is a really valuable opportunity which the author is missing at the moment.

Also if the reader sees Lorne (or another character which the author can develop) solve the mole’s identity, it becomes a better reading experience, rather it just being handed down to us. The author in this case needs to think about what readers want and what they’re getting – that age old thing about good writing being showing not telling the reader what the action is.

Perhaps Lorne’s daughter is kidnapped too early on, as once that happens the stakes can’t get any higher (on a personal level for the central character) and the author needs to be careful to leave her story room to develop. All the raw materials for a really gripping story are here, just the structure and pace need to be crafted with more confidence and skill to get the full strength out of it.

SkinnyMan wrote 611 days ago

What a cracking read! For the second time today, I've got pulled into reading way more of a book than I intended. This stands head and shoulders above the crowd - not only am I happy to back this, but I'd be more than happy to buy it! In the meantime though, please add some more!

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LeClerc wrote 611 days ago

Hi Mel,

I have just read all 13 chapters and I'm still trembling. Rarely have I read a story which bounds along at such a cracking pace. Fantastic read and one which I will recommend to others.

Phil

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MaxGriffin wrote 633 days ago

Hi Mel,

I just enjoyed the first chapter of "Impeding Justice." This is professional, polished writing, and I enjoyed reading. I've backed it and I wanted to share some comments with you on it.

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

PLOT
Lorne and her partner Pete are on a stakeout, in search of the Unicorn. Alas, as they enter the target alley everything goes amiss. Bullets rattle and Pete goes down. The backup helicopter arrives, but despite Lorne's heroic efforts and the arrival of an ambulance, it's too late for Pete. Even worse, Lorne learns the Unicorn has escaped yet again.

The action crackles off the page with a gritty reality. At the same time, we get a good sense of the warm camaraderie between Lorne and Pete, as though they have been partners for a long time. Excellent pacing, characterization, and writing!

STYLE AND VOICE
Third person limited in Lorne's point of view. Perfect.

REFERENCING
Modern day London. Mention of the Thames and the hovering helicopter establish this, so I don't know that you need the "London, 2008" that leads the chapter.

SCENE SETTING
Visceral. You engaged all the senses (touch, smell, sight, sound--well, I guess taste is missing), and consistently did so from Lorne's point of view. Polished and impressive.

CHARACTERS.
Terrific again. No telling, no background, yet we know all that we need to know about these two, revealed in their words and deeds.

GRAMMAR
One tiny, possible nit: "Not a fucking dickey bird, if you’d taken up the bet, I’d be twenty…." I'm not quite familiar with the slang here, but I, depending on the meaning, I think in the US, this would be a comma splice, with a period or semicolon needed after "bird."

Another tiny nit: ". Pete slumped to the ground. His body jerked. Lorne saw the movement, went to cross over to him, but a sting vibrated off her face spinning her to the ground." The phrase "to the ground" repeats between these two sentences, which can make your prose seem monotone.

JUST MY PERSONAL OPINION
Wow. This is by far the best thing I've read in my two days on this site. Excellent writing. Excellent action. You start in the middle of the action, but attend to details of description, character and plot. I'm guessing that Pete's dying words--the ones he never got quite out--foreshadow an important plot twist for Lorne to uncover. I don't have much to suggest except to keep up the great work!!!

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Mchahn2990 wrote 642 days ago

I sat down only planning on reading a few chapters before going to bed, but I found that I could not stop reading Impending Justice. I should have known better since I am a thriller addict. You have a great talent for this style of writing, in regards to the pace you have set throughout the book. Thrillers are meant to thrill of course, and a good thriller is one that you can't put down. I have to say you accomplished this goal as well as a firmly established published author in this field could do. I couldn't put it down (or at least if I was reading it in the book version which I hope is on the way soon)!

Backed.

Best,

Matthew

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Geoffrey_Mann wrote 685 days ago

Mel

It’s time for a confession. Other than the works of Dick Francis (every single one!) I haven’t read that many thrillers at all before I joined Authonomy. My partner loves this stuff. She has bookshelves full of La Plante, Dexter, Rankin and Grisham. But it’s all very new to me.

Okay, this is good. It’s very good indeed. It was like being grabbed by the feet and shaken not only until my pockets were emptied, but my teeth and hair had fallen out too. It’s a rip-roaring, rollicking, fast-moving, belter of a thriller. The dialogue, always economical, is gritty, gutsy and raw. It moves as fast as the plot. Every word in every line hits home without pretence or affectation. I love it!

So far there’s been a shoot-out, a sad police death, a plot to ransom the Houses of Parliament and now there’s a mole on the force and I’ve only reached the end of Chapter 4! Do you keep going at this rate? I doubt if it’s possible but I’ll be back and I’d buy the book to find out.

It’s a winner with strong commercial potential. I can certainly see this one on the silver screen!

I couldn’t find any technical faults with your work then I was reading very fast…I simply had to in order to keep up.

Brilliant stuff! Backed with great pleasure.

Geoffrey

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PCreturned wrote 280 days ago

Ah I remember reading this ages ago. i think I backed it too. It's hard to keep track around here. Anyway, you made it. that's what counts. :)

I love the way the pace seems to pick up gradually, making me want to read on faster and faster. And I love the way you show everything bout your characters, drawing us into the story graduallly until I can't bear to tear myself away. Great stuff. :)

I'm v glad to see this book has now been such a success for you. Well done! :)

Pete

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marie78537 wrote 318 days ago

Backed your book and really enjoyed it. Recommended by CC Brown. Author of the book Dark Side. Hope you can find a place on your shelf for their book.

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Jedda wrote 427 days ago

Have read HC's critique. I thought that the first paragraph was very complimentary. Have you any plans for your book or is this the culmination of all your hard work? Kind Regards, Mum

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vishnu1981 wrote 461 days ago

Dear Mel,

Wish if you take out some time and read my work The Times of Dr Hanuman Singh. I need your help to make it better. The book deals with the recent communist movement in Nepal.

Regards
vishnu sharma

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ccb1 wrote 477 days ago

The editor’s desk, was it worth? Was your book reviewed by HarperCollins? Did you receive a book publishing offer, or have other publishing houses expressed and interest in you book? We have found the comments and suggestions from the other authors on Authonomy helpful in revising our book, but were just curious as to the benefits of landing at the top.
CC Brown
Dark Side

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felix321 wrote 499 days ago

Hi Mel
I enjoyed reading your work, it carried me along well. The one negative thing that stands out to me is accuracy of the police detail. It reads a bit like an american cop show.
Apart from that it has my backing.

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scorselo wrote 513 days ago

Dear Melcom, I love that I'm not a vampire, nor ever will be :) - the thought of it is even sickening. :) That's how well you have written your story. :) Your pitch prepared me & your tight dialogue & paragraphs smoothed the way to read on. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoir book? :) Thanks so very much. :)

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scorselo wrote 515 days ago

I love that you put me right there in the story to see & feel what they were feeling - I am so thankful that it is only in mind & not body - I'd probably have a heart attack - yes, all of this is really happening & I'm so thankful it's not right where I am - hopefully. :) Thank you for bringing to light the activities of the terrorists & the fighting against it. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks,

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Debbie wrote 523 days ago

Wow. Read this after I saw your review on the forum - wish I'd seen this earlier as I'd have backed it. For what it's worth now, I'll certainly buy it when it's published. And great HC review - well-deserved from what I've read.

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Melcom wrote 527 days ago

Thanks Ron, for taking the trouble to read Impeding Justice a second time, I'm thrilled you thought it had improved. As to the points you have raised about the Unicorn escaping, Lorne learns he has escaped in the 2nd to last para of chapter one.

And to the other point about her being withdrawn from the case, this is gone into in detail in later chapters and the DCI actually takes over but keeps her by his side throughout the case, becasue of her experience in the field and with the Unicorn himself after chasing him for nine years.

Thanks again.
Melxxxx

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RonParker wrote 527 days ago

Hi Mel,

Firs, congratulations on getting this book to the top of the ratings. Good luck with it.

This is much better than the first time I read it. Not that it wasn't good then apart from a few technical issues. I don't recall noticing any this time round.

One thing you need to look at though, when Lorne wakes up in hospital in chapter two there is a a lot made of her wanting to leave and get after the murderer. Ho does she know he hasn't already been caught? She hasn't asked about it and doesn't know if he was caught at the scene when her partner was killed, or even during the twenty-four hours she has been asleep.

On a credibility issue, she would not be allowed to continue with this case in real life. As it's fiction you might get away with it, but it would be better if you could think of some way she can avoid being 'taken off the case'.

Ron

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Carl Halling wrote 536 days ago

Very pacy, and strikingly well-written, quite violent in content at times, which will shock some, but a rattling good read.

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IJKS wrote 539 days ago

I've just read chapter one and I was hooked from the first sentence. What a gripping read!

Tess
Shards of Glass

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Emma Morgan wrote 541 days ago

I've read a few chapters now, and I'll be back for more. (How far are you from finishing? Do you know how it all ends?) It's very visual, it's one of those books where I can immediately imagine it as a TV show or movie, and the dialogue is script-ready too. Strong, identifiable characterisation from the off - Lorne strikes me as a cross between Jane Tennison from Prime Suspect and Patricia Cornwell's Kay Scarpetta, which is terrific - and even the scenes where it's not all action, action, action have great pace to them. Well done, Mel :)

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Melcom wrote 541 days ago

Left in my messages this morning. By Emma Morgan.

Hi Mel

Sorry for the delay in responding... Just read the first chapter of Impeding Justice and enjoyed it - great pace, very vivid descriptions, definitely enough scene-setting for me to want to pop it on my bookshelf.

Cheers,
Emma x

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Jaye Hill wrote 557 days ago

Brilliant gripping read. A real page turner. However I could occasionally have done with the pace slackening a little and a bit more background description. I don't really know what Roberts looks like, for example, or what has caused Charlie's attitude. However I'm dying to find out what happens at the end.

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Rachel Bull wrote 561 days ago

Have just read up to chapter 4 and wow! Your characters, especially Lorne are vivid and come to life in such a short time, and the fast pace of the story is really exciting. Brings to mind for me the Leathel Weapon films as Lorne is such a feisty, memorable character. Brilliant, I loved it and of course am backing it.
Rachel

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Surabhi wrote 565 days ago

Dear Mel,

Congratulating you on your success, I would like to request you for your review of my initial chapters. I joined authonomy for a good feedback on my work, but, most of what i'm getting are requests for swap reading and backing.

Hope to get some precious feedback from you,

Sincerely,

Surabhi

A Skein of Geese
Literary fiction

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worzelg wrote 567 days ago

What a captivating read, was glued to this from the very first line. Good luck with the HC review, let's hope they recognise your talent.

Don.

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WJ Stephens wrote 572 days ago

Rolls along nicely and draws the reader in from the start. Seems very well written. If something grabs me from the get go and is not hard for me to follow initially, it deserves my backing.

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michaelgd wrote 572 days ago

Great opening. This promises to be a thrilling ride! What more can I say?

Mike

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Rosmerta wrote 583 days ago

The trouble with this book is, it's more than readable. When books are more than readable and only available on line, they make me late for where I'm supposed to be. Thank you for making me miss my bus. Get this printed so I can take it with me.

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Nash11 wrote 585 days ago

Hi Mel,
Thanks for your message. Just read your first few chapters and put your book on my shelf. Good luck. Nash ('Threesome')

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MLSmith wrote 587 days ago

WOW.....my first official read while on this site and I'll tell you what- you did not disappoint!! You gave me goosebumps, Comley! WELL DONE! Congrats on getting to the editors desk (I think that's what it's called, right?) lol You deserve it!! Backed 100% and I'm glad you suggested it =) Touche' -M

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Faine wrote 587 days ago

Congrats, Mel. Best to you.

Kevin

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Samantha Audrey wrote 588 days ago

What a wonderful opening. will be keeping you on my list for a better read when I have the time.

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Ciarán MacUaitéar wrote 588 days ago

Nice short nippy paragraphs, terse description. Concerns about Mrs Simpkins; opening chapter 2 seems more concerned about relating her complex love triangle and Pete comes second. Only when she comes to view him, do we begin to get some sense of loss. As a thriller reader, more interested in plot than romantic novels, I'd like to hear more about arch-nemesis Unicorn sooner. More feelings of frustration about him getting away - why is Pete so dear to her? Why does this death so drive her for justice? I'd like to see the main drive of this chapter turned upside down - this is Pete's main scene no? (or do we get flashbacks?) Chapter 1 is an action packed scene which you're dragged through, but in the aftermath, I think more of a hook is needed.

In Hammond Innes' books, relationships take so much of a back seat, as mere colour - that often they are left unresolved at the end of the novel. This is probably more about what I'm looking for in this kind of book, and for many, yours is a winning formula (clearly, based on other comments).

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idbeholda wrote 588 days ago

Very well done. Read the first chapter so far, and I like what I've read. The beginning dialogue in the beginning about the shrinking clothes was priceless. I very much look forward to reading more once I get free time to do so.

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enobong wrote 588 days ago

wow ive only had time to read the first chapter but im already hooked. what a great opening. backed!

enobong

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ajmahler wrote 588 days ago

Great read. I look forward to holding the book in my hands.

A J Mahler
Smoking Kills

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Jackie Cornwall wrote 589 days ago

Dynamic, concise, perfect for genre

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Melcom wrote 589 days ago

Left in my message box, by Katrina Shelley today.

Not my favorite genre, but WOW, I love your writing style! I am a sucker (as you can tell if you read my work) for dialogue carrying the story, not the other way around and you do that wonderfully!

CONGRATS on your placement and best of luck in your works!

Blessings - Katrina

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michaeltc wrote 589 days ago

Reads great! Would make a wonderful movie!!!

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Allen Cooke wrote 589 days ago

Its looking good Mel for the editor pick, well done.

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LintonWood wrote 590 days ago

I only had time to read the first chapter but you leapt straight into the cation which, for me is a good thing. A tiny bit of repetition here and there but nothing too bad. Good luck with your quest for the desk.

Best wishes,
Linton

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Laughton Parchment wrote 590 days ago

Wonderful story and a great piece of writing. I will make the time to read more and will keep reading. I back this with pleasure.
Laughton Parchment

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rascal1 wrote 590 days ago

Mel -- I just loved reading this. There are so many stories going on within the story. I also love the character's names/plot. Please keep writing. Thank you for a great read. Backed you with pleasure. I just learned how to read and back so please know you're on my watchlist. Peace and love -- Debra Darven

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mrsjmsmith wrote 590 days ago

I wanted to comment on this last night, but the combination of staring at a screen, plus my eyes slowing closing didn't help. I love the story it's very Janet Evanovich, and has a thriller pace that will keep readers at the edge of their seats. I see a serious book deal and a series in your future!

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amir.thewriter wrote 591 days ago

Mel,

"Impeding Justice" is a great read! I've read the first 4 chapters, but I do intend on coming back to read more. I love the action, and for something like Pete's death to happen in the first chapter, it already had me wanting to know more, with questions like "why, what happened, and what happens next?".

Backed with great pleasure!

Good luck,
-amir

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celticwriter wrote 591 days ago

Hi Mel,
I'm on 13/14. A terrific read. Sorry it's taking me forever. I'm - aforementioned new here - and thought at first to try and read everyone all at the same time - ha - to that. So - continuing onward with yours. Enjoying the journey. Blessings to you!

jim

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Sockmonkey6970 wrote 591 days ago

Reading with pleasure. Thank you so much for your support as well.

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wannabe1966 wrote 593 days ago

I only got to read the first chapter so far, but it sounds very exciting! Great read, and I'll come back at a time when I can read more. Excellent writing!

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RosaTellall wrote 593 days ago

WOW! This is a great book! I can see why you are number 3 on the desk. Although I think you should be number 1.

Your characters are incredibly well written.

Good luck!

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RyanDLitz wrote 593 days ago

I have only had time to read the first chapter today, but man I loved it! great job! I will be reading the rest once I have the time to..
Only into the first chapter and already on my shelf though!
Hope to read into this one further!

Ryan

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RyanDLitz wrote 593 days ago

I have only had time to read the first chapter today, but man I loved it! great job! I will be reading the rest once I have the time to..
Only into the first chapter and already on my shelf though!
Hope to read into this one further!

Ryan

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Robin Pearson wrote 594 days ago

Brilliant stuff!

Just gobbled up the first five chapters, will read the rest tonight and come back with a proper comment. Flowing narrative, great dialogue - definitely a commercial hit in the making!

Cheers

Robin
The Way Through the Woods

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toffee5poon wrote 594 days ago

Hey Mel
Have just read chapter 7, with Lorne meeting the MI6 agent. This is some "no nonsense" stuff, no messing around and straight to the point. Although i picked a chapter at random I still instantly liked the characters - Lorne clearly doesnt take any shit, and the agent (even though you mention it) has been written so well I already got the notion that he had ulterior reasons for helping Lorne out.
Just the kind of book you'd take on holiday just to have something to read by the pool and end up nailing the whole thing before your return flight!
Backed. Lee

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Seraphim62 wrote 594 days ago

Hi Mel,

Thanks for a great read - really enjoying the story so far. Strangely, I think The Unicorn is my favourite character (which speaks volumes about my personality) and although I enjoyed the interaction with him in chapter 3, I felt like it was rushed and a little forced. Don't be afraid to build the tension during these pivitol moments with further despcription as it can provide important character depth.

Have backed this book. Good Luck

Jake

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fletcherkovich wrote 594 days ago

Hi Mel.

I am so happy to read your book. When I was reading it, I imagined myself watching a beautiful and sensible movie dealing about life being a military officer and the effects of non sense war to every soldier. The themes are very realistic and your characters are believable. I believe I have to back this because it has touched my soul and it deserves to be supported. I could really feel your heart and passion in this book.
Anyways, I think we have got similar themes employed in our books. if you don't mind, could you spare some time reading some of my collection of stories in my, The Stories in the Leaking mind. If it deserves your contructive comments or great backing support, I will be honored.

Good luck to you and your book.

Fletch.

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Johanna Kern wrote 594 days ago

Mel,

You took me on a real journey here! Loved it, loved it, loved it!
Backing you with greatest pleasure :)

Best of luck,
Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

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Impeding Justice

Mel Comley

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