From Boys to Men then Back Again - Updated

MP,
Your work "From Boys to Men Then Back Again" has deep psychological underpinnings even when told so innocently and tagged a children's book. Drunkenness, depression, deep-seated racial prejudice, bullying pervade the plot. These are jagged-edged problems that cannot be properly handled with kiddie gloves. On top of that, being a mestizo trapped between two cultures and not quite belonging to either one is a pretty pickle to be in, indeed. What I suggest to make your characters even more engaging and sympathetic is to clearly define the setting of the story which will explain why they behave the way they do. If this is all taking place in Manila, then make it a Manila experience. The interest level would then skyrocket because we would be perusing a rare and unusual narrative the same way we would find the experience of a half-breed G.I. child in a school in Hanoi mesmerizing. That having been said, I can tell this is all coming straight from the heart and I applaud you your courage.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

I have been out of commission (no different from a battered car!) but I'm back. Will begin reading manuscripts again and I'm sorry that I wasn't able to read others' manuscripts previously.

To anyone planning to look at my story, I wish you a Happy New Year! May 2010 see many of your dreams come true especially to have your MSS published. :)

Hi MP. It's Christmas day and I'm taking a few hours off from family frenzy to relax in Authonomy. I'm calmly and casually reading only the first chapters of a few books I've had on my watchlist (actually 8). Today only, I'll not comment further than, "I like it so far" for the books I read. If so, I'll back it and Merry Christmas...haha (or rather, 'ho ho'). If I don't like what I read I'll quietly be, well, quiet about it cause it's Christmas and today I'll utter no discouraging words (hehe).
Anyway, I liked yours. So, on my shelf with pleasure and the best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

P.S. Before anyone has a fit, yes, this is a copy/paste since I'm saying the same thing for these few books I choose to back and nothing at all for those I don't.

Again, Merry Christmas and good luck

Ahhh the age old chant of fight fight fight.
I liked the opening to this. it is written in a quirky different style, one I enjoyed immensely.
The dialogue is accessible and the plot unique. I like that you tackle serious issues without making it the central theme. Ben's life is crap but him as a character is one I can sympathize with.
Well written, I imagine kids would like this, if I had some I would test it out on them.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

This is engaging right from the off. You can obviously write and spin a good yarn.
I think you have a good opening chapter that addresses important issues like bullying and in a lot of ways this feels like YA reading to me. Please feel free to disagree with my points:
~ For children’s writing this pitch seems a little complicated to me.
~ I’m not entirely sure the racism expressed by the kids in school is good subject matter for younger readers.
~ To me, the characters do feel a bit older.
Just some thoughts from someone who is no expert on the subject.
Shelved with my best wishes
David
Green Ore

From Boys to Men has all the attributes that your target audience will enjoy - bullying, unlikely friendships, loyalty, danger and adventure. It seems to me to be well written and an easy read, in a style and vocabulary that is suitable for the YA market. You have classified it as for children, but I would suggest this is not for the younger readers. Backed.

I think you have the start to a good story. I think being intolerant of someone's differences happens so much in school. You have hit on a good theme. That being said there is a lot of back story at the beginning. It might serve your story better if you wrote some of it in scene. Let the kids see the bully not be told that he is a bully. Kids will know. Good luck with this. On my shelf. Connie

This has some very good elements to it but i am not sure whether the language used is particularly suitable for children's fiction. The words countenance, pandemonium, aloofness are not the usual words for this age book. Obivously with childrne's books you have to know your market, is this written for girls or boys or both? The content of the premiss is very male but in the first few passages when Ben's thoughts of things are being expressed the book also appears very male but then slips into Ben's honey skin and wavy hair which jarred with the previous content. I think this book could do well but the content might need some reappraising regarding who exactly are you aiming at as this book at the moment falls a bit between two stools for me. I hope you don't mind these comments as your bio asked for genuine thoughts on the book.
Your writing is very good and has that old world feel to it, which i genuinely like.
Best of luck with it
Regards
Chris (inside out)
Chris

MP, hi...
I've read the first six chapters and think you write really well. My only slight concern is that this is maybe too subtle for a children's read. My son is eleven and gets bored if there isn't action on nearly every page. I'm not saying that's a good thing - just that it seems to be a common craving for the gaming generation. This reminded me of some of the older classics - Goodnight Mr Tom for example (which I love but again, my son has to be forced to read).
Have you had children of your intended age group read it? That can be really useful - and a hell of an eyeopener.
No quibbles with your writing though and I'm happy to back you.
Jane
WALKER

Hi MP!

What a compelling story this is for middle-schoolers and young adults! There is always a lesson to be learned through stories of wrongful prejudice and stereotyping, and your Max standing up for Ben is a magnificent example to set for our kids. Watching the friendship unfold was endearing. Your easy to read style is perfect for the genre, and the dialogue is spot on for the young readers - they will instantly relate. The only suggestion I would have for you is (a) break up your pitch into multiple paragraphs and (b) find an eye-catching book cover design. Both of those minor tweaks will do wonders for attracting potential readers to open the pages of this fantastic book. Great job - backed with pleasure!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Hi MP,

This really isn't a bad story and although I do agree there are some parts that need to be edited, you do have a good thing going here. But since I also have trouble when it comes to grammar, I can't really critique it the way how you hope it might help.

Tracy

Dear All,
I haven't edited the story and plan to do so this coming weekend. I'd like to thank all those who have given me valuable comments to make the story tighter and better and to those who plan to read it, please feel free to leave more comments which may help me. Many thanks. :)

You have a good story here, and some wonderful characters too; but my I point your attention on the direction of some of your grammar? I seem to regularly come across sentence that are missing commas, and so become awkward to read. Might I suggest that, when you come to edit this, you read what you have written out loud, adding commas where you pause, breaking sentences down where they are too long, etc. I think you do a lot more with this story with just a little bit of editing.

Andrew

Cool story......shelved.
You´ve done a great job getting inside these peoples heads
and showing the effects on their families. The dialogue too
is special..odd but real.
And the ending...I loved it.
Best wishes.........Mikey The Free

If you need a critical comment let me know and I can swing back around; if not, then enjoy the backing to get you up the charts quicker with my high TSR rating!

I could use your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC Cavazos
The Obergemau File

MPA,
Excellent writing! You have a lot of tension and conflict in the first two chapters which promise a lot more drama to come. The narrative is very descriptive and the dialogue crisp and natural. Oh yeah, I remember those school fights when I was a kid back in the dark ages. I think you should draw out the fight scene, more blows in both directions with bloody noses and the like. Make the reader cringe.
You can make those first two chapters even more dramatic by working on the point of view. Go back and write the same scenes through the eyes of Ben. Tell us how he feels and what he thinks, then the reader can climb into his body and become part of the story. Ben is a solid character from his actions, but we want to know his heart.
Fun read, good luck with your book.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

I like the voice, it reads like a young boy is telling the story, which is perfect for the characters. I wondered alomst from the start where we are (the UK?) I knew it couldn't be America or Germany... maybe make it clear what country it takes place in from the beginning (for example when you mention Oakwood's primary). I like the dynamics. The only other comment I have is, at the beginning it's told in a reminiscing, passive tone. I would almost like to see this be more active. Instead of remembering how Max is aloof, maybe show us- or show us Ben following him home to find out where he lives. This of course makes the first chapter(s) longer! Just an idea. Backed.

From Boys to Men and Then Back Again

Hi MPA,

Interesting idea, I couldn't quite get from the pitch the main details of the conflict so you may want to look at that. The sealing of their friendship is a great scene, although I think the whole first chapter could do with an edit, there are quite a few extraneous words I think. That first sentence for example, so crucial in terms of keeping interest of the reader, it is not a straightforward one and it seems to end awkwardly. I don't know the complete details yet of course but I would suggest you make Ben the subject of the sentence and not Max and don't mention his grandfather at all, that is quite confusing. Something along the lines of Ben's life would change forever after today when a new boy called Max started at school. The relationship between the two of them is so pivotal I would like to have seen a little bit more of both Max and Ben before they met so I could know them both a little better and understand their motivations, particularly Ben's to step in and support the new boy like he does. A good read, I will pop back and read more, best wishes with it.

Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Hi there, an interesting premise, although I did get a little confused in the long pitch about who was who - maybe split it up into several paragraphs to help with that? As for the style of writing, this is easy to read, but you need to tighten up the dialogue a tad - I think you repeat yourself here and there, and of course you need to check for the usual nits and typos. But with some more work and a little more clarity in the pitch, this has great potential for your target market. Oh, literary fiction and children's sounds a bit odd in the same boat - I'd knock out the lit fiction - not an easy market to be aiming for! Shelved, no problem.

I kinda liked this. I thought it captured the playground and the outside of the school gates pretty well. There's always a bully and there are always victims. It's nice to see them match off every now and then.

Backed.

John (Chained Chaos).

I like the premise for your story and think children would enjoy it. There were a few things I noted (and I'm talking as a fellow novice writer, so feel free to ignore..!).

Sometimes, we're re-told information we already have, for example: In para 1 you tell us that Max has arrived at Oakwoods Primary - so you don't need to repeat in para.7.
In paras 2 and 7 we're told Max kept to himself.
Sorry, I don't know what a homeroom teacher means so my next comment is probably way off beam but, would the rest of the class be 'allowed'/able to follow them to the Head's office?
There are a few typo type things - Max'S words hurt.; It annoyed Ben TO no end every time...
Good luck, Carolyn

Like the way this starts - standing up for someone. Typical of students - like Jeremy - to deny it. Like how it plays out. I'll give this a little shelf time. Best of luck with it, KJ

The entire manuscript's uploaded. Hope you all like it. Comments are most welcome. :)

You capture several things well here: 1) teenage or pre-teenage relationships, language and attitudes; 2) bullies and those who pick on them (I know this from personal experience dealing with bullies in school); and 3) prejudice based on association. Along the way, you also do a good job with the teacher and principal. In short, you have a good story here based on character, with good dialogue to match. I like it very much and am backing it, putting it on my shelf.

Pleased to be the first buddy! this is great!

This novel has an appeal that is both eerie yet intriguing. I'm giving it a spin on my shelf.

Rodney

These are the first 10 chapters of the book. I will be adding to the chapters once I finish editing it as best as I can. I welcome any comments to help me make it better. Thanks for reading!