Book Jacket

 

rank 4642
word count 48179
date submitted 18.10.2009
date updated 14.11.2009
genres: Fiction, Chick Lit, Romance
classification: universal
incomplete

Ironwood

James J Valko

Despite what we may think. . .Love has its own agenda.

 

Beautiful, ambitious New York TV personality, Toli Stevens, travels to the tiny town of Ironwood, Michigan to marry her NY fiancé, Daniel, on top of the world’s tallest ski jump on national TV.

Getting married to her “soul mate” on the air is part of Toli 's job as a special host for America’s number one morning television show, AM America. She and Daniel will be wed in the final segment of the series entitled, Extraordinary Weddings in Extraordinary Places.

They predict it will be the most watched wedding since Prince Charles and Diana. Of this, dreams are made. . .

Then along came Jack.

 
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betrayal, family, friendship, humor, love, philosophy, rural, ski, supernatural

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67 comments

 

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Prologue

 

Toli Stevens was scared. . .

She entered the lodge and quickly crossed the lobby floor. Inside the elevator, she struggled to catch her breath.

She was scared because of what she’d done. 

Just minutes earlier, she had practically assaulted him. She kissed him and mentally made love to him—and it was just three days before her wedding to another man!

Passion had spewed out of her like a geyser, steamy and hot, and out of her control.

She was scared because of what she’d become.

Her sense of order and stability—the very foundation that defined her—had crumbled in the wake of this unrelenting passion for him. 

What is happening to me?

She had run from him to the safety of the lodge, to be alone and put her emotions back in order.

Yes order!

She pressed “4 on the elevator wall. But just before the door closed a hand slid in. Then a foot. Then a body. His body.

Toli backed into the corner.

The elevator door closed.

If they'd been characters in a play he might have said something profound. He might have delivered, with razor-edged lucidity, precise words designed to catapult her into the heavens. Instead he said nothing, and this was worse. For he possessed the most beautiful silence she'd ever experienced. If she hadn't seen him for years and she was in another city, or on another planet, and he moved up behind her, she’d recognize his silence.

Suddenly he was in her corner, leaning against the wall, his arms out, trapping her in a triangle.

She opened her mouth to speak and his lips met hers. Clasping the swelled muscles of his arms, she tried resisting him––but it was already too late. A bittersweet ache tugged at her heart… at her soul. She'd never been kissed like this before in her life. She had no idea a kiss could make her feel so helpless. And for this, she felt inadequate, at twenty-nine years old she’d never experienced the essence of a kiss before, the sugar in the chocolate that made it irresistible.

The elevator door opened. He stepped back, giving her space. But she didn’t want space. She wanted to be one with him. God help me. Breathless and on shaky legs, Toli took his hand and led him down the corridor to her room. Nervous fingers fished her hotel card out of her purse and slid it in the slot. He kissed her again. Leaning against the door they rolled into the room, their lips engaged, bodies intertwined.

 

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poetgirl wrote 835 days ago

I loved this book. I thought I would just read a chapter or two, but I ended up reading every chapter. At first, with its sarcastic edge I wasn't sure what to think. But as read more, it drew me in. . .deeper and deeper.. It contains some beautiful philosophical messages that I didn't expect. I fell in love with Jack. Where he is this man?!! It needs some editing here and there, and there's a few typos, but I'm sure you'll straight that out. it's a great story. Great story! Please hurry up and put up the rest of the chapters so I can finish it! Linda

Onthedottedline wrote 837 days ago

This is a very clever take on the vacuous celebrity culture and the power that TV and advertising has over our lives. It's a big step-up from mere 'chic-lit' and will, I'm sure, find a much wider audience. It pokes fun, it exposes, it ridicules, and it shows how shallow so many lives have become in an age where prime-time TV is the main event. It's very well written and, underneath the glitter, it has a touching human story. I'd buy it. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

Jambi wrote 836 days ago

-Ironwood-
Hi James,
What an easy-breezy, well-written read. I read the first five chapters (I never do that because of time) but I had to see where Jack and Toli meet. You set Toli up so beautifully--for a big fall. I love reading about people who think they've got everything under control, and life trips them up . . .

Best line: (Debbie) "I make lists, too, but sometimes I think the devil reads them." Hilarious. I laughed out loud on that one.

Liked your characters and the whole premise and this isn't even my genre. The title got me. Good luck with this and on my shelf.

Jambi
Fringe of Darkness

TheLoriC wrote 840 days ago

This is a smooth, easy read with enjoyable characters. One more book to add to my guilty pleasures list! On my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Kim Jewell wrote 840 days ago

Hi James!

This is utterly delicious! I could curl up with this and read the whole thing on a lazy, rainy day... Wonderful, enjoyable characters and your pitch and plotline are spot on for the chick-lit audience. The gals will love this one! I'm happy to back this.

Kim
Invisible Justice

Miss Sully wrote 768 days ago

Hi James.
What a fantastic prologue. Immediately hooks the reader and leaves us wanting more! I liked how the town was deserted when the girls arrived and how the raven was a symbol of what was to come. Mysterious!
Happy to back
Grace - Suitcase of Memories

Francis Albert McGrath wrote 812 days ago

James
You drop the words onto the page, one after the other, in perfect formation... Setting (so many books on this site are set in nowheresville), dialogue, characters, plot... Nothing snags, this is just too good! It reads like a published novel... Why? Because you focus on the characters' feelings and you describe those feelings from the inside out. Tremendous.
Frank

Shayne Parkinson wrote 816 days ago

So smoothly written that it's a very pleasant read - I read the first ten chapters at a sitting. This is wonderfully visual; I could see every scene unfolding. At the same time, you get into the heads of the main characters very convincingly. The contrast between a shallow celebrity culture, epitomised by Sid's remark "And if their father dies it will make an even better story," and Jack, who doesn't even watch TV, is nicely done. Keeping Daniel completely out of the picture till we're many chapters in sets Toli's attraction to Jack in stark relief.

Slick chick lit. Shelved.

misatok wrote 818 days ago

O_o i'm confused... this is history was not complete?XD.. what happen.. -sorry 4 my english-
btw good history really <3

AnnEnglish wrote 822 days ago

Ironwood- Valko
3rd comment by invitation

You had my willing suspension of disbelief up to and including 39, the wedding she walked out on.
40, the failure of a national broadcasting company to find a single lead on a hot story struck me as unlikely.
41, the appearance of the scrapbook, seemed contrived.
42 is as solid a wee chunk of unnecessary backstory as ever clogged a pipe.
43, headed "Fourteen months later", is as fatuous a heading as "One Week Earlier" is for your chapter 1, which follows a prologue, confusing not only the reader but every subsequent chapter number.
44, "The Next Day", J & J board a plane
45, the funeral, shows the inadvisibility of standing in snowstorms
46, two months later, everything ends happily. UGH. That's a Chunderbucket score of 7. Romances are usually thrown away when they reach a Chunderbucket score of 3.

Now, having been unkind, I hope I can be helpful. When Toli and Jack answer these questions for you in their own words, you'll be able to write the ending. Some of the questions beg other questions. That's okay. You're not wrestling with me, but with Toli and Jack.

Question 1. When Jack drove away from the appointment half an hour early, did he (i) vow to distance himself from Toli's media-savvy cynicism and to contact her in a month or so on his terms, not as part of a media true-love stunt, or (ii) thinking he had lost Toli forever, join Medicin Sans Frontiers and get locked up in an Israeli jail with concussion one hour after arriving in Gaza?

Question 2. When Sarah and Elton told Toli that all the resources of the media and the Net had failed to locate Jack, did they reveal that (i) Jack's van had been found crushed under a landslide in a glacial lake, or (ii) the American equivalent of a government D-notice had gagged the media and stopped all enquiries?

Question 2a. How much of a hold did Jack have on Sarah due to his earlier help with Sarah's mother/child/brother/cousin after she (Sarah) had covered the Mexican case that earned Jack the Government award?

Question 3. When Toli had her breakdown and told her father not to search for Jack or she would harm the child, did her father not realise that Jack had healing powers and was the key to Toli's recovery, his own survival, and the baby's unspecified troubles until (i) before, or (ii) after he saw the scrapbook/police file/media clips about Jack?

Question 4. Although Jack was quickly found and was delighted to marry Toli at once, in the full glare of publicity, was it the consequent loss of his powers or simply jealousy of her professional status that led him to trigger the first true crisis in their relationship, his demand that [and so on]? Was her response driven for the first time by her true self-knowledge that [and so on]?

I must go. As I said, I want this book to do well, and I hope my comments are useful.
I repeat that up to and including 39 it's great. You know this already.

Love
Ann

AnnEnglish wrote 823 days ago

Ironwood - Valko 2nd comment

This book is one of the few to stick in my mind. I'd like it to be better and do well.

In my opinion it's unbelievable that she would not have tracked him down sooner. Absolute balderdash. Culpable dereliction. Egregious fantasy. Garbage. Hogwash. Imbecility.

I hope Toli and Jack haunt you, demanding a finish that is as strong as the start. 70 000 words should tie up the ends. I shan't suggest how, because it would cost you 10%. I am certain that you can do it, and I feel strongly that you should. Lock yourself in a room with a coffee machine and finish the book properly.

Regards
Ann

T.L Tyson wrote 825 days ago

A friend recommended this to me. Glad I stopped by. I know you have heard it a thousand times, but...I am not a normal fan of chick lit. I usually find the main character a little whiny and often making dumb decisions that make me want to throw the book out the window. That said. I didn't feel this way about this one. There is something bigger going on here and I think that is why I sort of fell for this.
And I went on to read more about jack, and I am delighted that I did so.
backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Rachel Medhurst wrote 826 days ago

This hooked me in straight away...the writing is great and so are the characters....the passion in the first chapter was extremely well written. I look forward to finishing this...:)

Louise H. Pennington wrote 828 days ago

Interesting premised. Will read more/on my watchlist. And if you feel like a knee trembling thriller, try BRICKS AND BONES... Louise

Valley Woman wrote 828 days ago

Hi James,

You know how to turn the screws on your characters and leave a twist at the end of each chapter, or a page turner as they say. I feel that a rude awakening is in store for Toli and her perfectionism routine. Well-written and intriguing. Shelved

Patricia
Agnes et Yves
All Saints' Day

Suzanne Adams wrote 829 days ago

An unusual story and clever coupling supernatural to popular culture television. You say that this work isn't professionally proof read and that there may be typo's ...
Chap 7 Toli's
Thought this rather awkwardly constructed and tried to think if my skin ever tingled from eating chocolate!
With her skin still blissfully tingling ...
There might be more or perhaps these are it anyway it's a good read, very good visually and excellent inner feeling descriptives.

soutexmex wrote 829 days ago

If you need a critical comment let me know; if not, then enjoy the backing!

I could use your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC Cavazos
The Obergemau File

Angela Lett wrote 829 days ago

This is addictively readable. Superficially it seems light, but interesting themes lurk beneath the surface. Already on my shelf. Angela

cara_ruegg wrote 830 days ago

first, nice book cover. second, wow what a hook now i have to read on to hear what he was going to say. ch1 i like the dialogue you do a very nice job with it back and forth. i find it funny when she asks him to impregnate her and then a sense of pity for him when he uncovers his past. reading on but stopping to shelve. if a book can keep the reader hooked and interested it's a seller! look forward to seeing you sell big with this.

E A M Harris wrote 831 days ago

Hi James,

I'm not usually interested in beautiful and ambitious TV personalities but I liked the start of your book and will read some more when I have the time.

One small point: you wrote that he went into Maggies and was greeted by the smell of flatbread and lamb shank. I really doubt if someone could tell what kind of bread or what part of a lamb was cooking just from the smell.

Good luck
E A M Harris

Freddie Omm wrote 832 days ago

i liked how you play with the genre - chick lit is always a slightly uncomfortable mix of revelling in surfaces and amkeup and shoes and so on - and the sense that there is more to life than that . and i think your take on that adds a level. in fact i know we should pikc our genres but i don't know about chicl-lit . i like it a lot, actually.

you've got some lyrical poetic stuff in there (most readers miss it) which fits beautifully into the whole!

check out chapter 18, it opens with a piece of luscious and symbolic prose. it's a dream, but the point is it doesn't feel *slotted in* for the sake of prettying things up, it fulfils a function.

good stuff, ambitious, very readable and enjoyable, with that added, unexpected twist.

freddie
("honour")

AnnEnglish wrote 832 days ago

Ironwood - Valko

Shelved. My advice is just "read the advice in other comments." Any questions, and requests for clarification or examples, get back to the commenters. I think you are able to do well.

Good luck
Ann

Pia wrote 832 days ago

Dear James,

A love strory written from a man's point of view. The writing flows, and the cliff hangers at the end of chapters arouse curiosity. There's the social script, and there's love - chaotic, messy, painful. Yet who has not gone there is poorer for it. Toli's is thrown into this turmoil.
Jack says it straight ... I love your hair. Your hands. Your feet ... and tops it all with a quote from Thoreau.
A likable, philosophical man who touches Toli's soul. We don't want her to go ahead with her marriage to Daniel, but we can't, at this point, know what she'll do - you don't tell us. I hate it when chapters suddenly stop.
But then I've done the same.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Breezyday wrote 832 days ago

James,
I also liked the title. Chick lit isn't really my preferred genre, but I enjoyed the light hearted story you have here. I loved the twist on locale names and the references pertaining to the TV business. Great Job!
Anna Carroll (BUMP)

Leigh Fallon wrote 833 days ago

Oh I really like this. I would definately buy this one...... Jack or Daniel? who knows. You will have to post more chapters.
I have this backed.
All the very best with it.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

Anna Pescardot wrote 833 days ago

Great characters, celeb backdrop and a good plot/idea. I like this and I think it will do well. Happy to back.
Good Luck with it.

Best Wishes

Anna :-)

Val-Rae Christensen wrote 834 days ago

This is very well written. You certainly set up the intrigue from the off. Well paced, great characterisation. I have no idea where this is going but I can probably bet pretty safely on a roller coaster ride with lots of twists and turns, yeah? Pleased to put it on my shelf. Best to you!

Kendall Craig wrote 834 days ago

I really thought I had commented on and backed this a while ago, but looking through the comments realised that perhaps I didn't. I have kept seeing your cover and am always drawn to it. Like the writing it is warm and colourful. As I read I get a sense of watching one of those heart warming TV movies that just make you feel good. i think this is due to your strong characterisation and descriptions of settings.
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

Andrew W. wrote 834 days ago

Ironwood

Hi James

I can only apologise that it has taken me so long to get here, this is excellently written and a very well conceived and targetted book, right up the alley of the audience. A great premise and a great set-up, Toli and Jack are excellent characters and the short chapters make it a fun and quick read. Jack is a lovely man, a warm man, we can see instantly why Toli would warm to him, he is real when the rest of her life is plastic, made for the camera. Impressively edited and strongly written for the market, a very professional piece of writing, good job. Ironwood deserves to go all the way and if the response from Harper Collins isn't positive, because I think you have read the audience for this book so strongly and well, then there is probably little hope for the rest of us. If you have the time to pop by my book at all you have no idea how helpful that would be.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

poetgirl wrote 835 days ago

I loved this book. I thought I would just read a chapter or two, but I ended up reading every chapter. At first, with its sarcastic edge I wasn't sure what to think. But as read more, it drew me in. . .deeper and deeper.. It contains some beautiful philosophical messages that I didn't expect. I fell in love with Jack. Where he is this man?!! It needs some editing here and there, and there's a few typos, but I'm sure you'll straight that out. it's a great story. Great story! Please hurry up and put up the rest of the chapters so I can finish it! Linda

Jeanne Bannon wrote 835 days ago

Wow, fantastic prologue and first chapter. I think I will keep going. I want to know more...you've got a way of keeping the reader wanting to keep reading. Bravo. Your novel reads like a published work. Happily shelved.

Jeanne (Dark Angel)

cat5149 wrote 835 days ago

Hi James,

This is really great and I wish I had the time to read the whole thing now. It's also very well written; dialogue prose, description--everything. Backed.

Carol

Sandie Newman wrote 835 days ago

Absolutely loved this. The pitch made me want to read on. Loved the opening, almost felt like getting married on national tv was getting married for the wrong reasons, very high profile tv and commercial. I loved the end and wanted to read on to find out what was happening. This is very well written and imaginative. Shelved instantly.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

lama wrote 835 days ago

Great read Jim,

I loved the line "...and a slim enough figure with gernous breasts and chronically swollen lips. Of course, the last three outcroppings weren't real." Great stuff.

dave_ancon wrote 835 days ago

Hey, James, this is good. Romance is not usually my reading genre, but you make this very interesting. Just some nits, if you will:
The first sentence is awkward. You have 'Toli' twice right in a row. I'd change to something like this:
"While the makeup artist applied blush to her cheeks, Toli watched..." A small nit, I agree, but you want your work to sing at the beginning so the editors don't have anything to say right off.

No other nits, at this point, James. your prologue clicks along nicely, you have a smooth voice, and your writing polished. I'll gladly back this for you. -- Dave

TJONES wrote 836 days ago

All I can say is I love this book. It is right up my alley. I have only read three chapters but going to keep on my list to read some more. Great job.

Jambi wrote 836 days ago

-Ironwood-
Hi James,
What an easy-breezy, well-written read. I read the first five chapters (I never do that because of time) but I had to see where Jack and Toli meet. You set Toli up so beautifully--for a big fall. I love reading about people who think they've got everything under control, and life trips them up . . .

Best line: (Debbie) "I make lists, too, but sometimes I think the devil reads them." Hilarious. I laughed out loud on that one.

Liked your characters and the whole premise and this isn't even my genre. The title got me. Good luck with this and on my shelf.

Jambi
Fringe of Darkness

Urania wrote 836 days ago

Hi James, as I'm in the sort of same category as you, (chick lit is such a vague one really) I wanted to check you out as you are also a media man like myself (media woman). On the surface,this is a great premise for the ' let's get an easy read', reader of this genre, and whether your characters are not totally 100 percent lovable to begin with or not, is not the point. I think you can work on this, draw a little more pathos into their lives and make them more human in the first few chapters.
However, once we get through the first few chapters, it becomes less of the chick and more of the lit. Which is, incidentally, what I hope to achieve in mine. Then this book really gets going and with everything going for it. Maybe, like many of us, you need to rethink the opening? always the hardest part, after all. Shelved, because I can see what you're doing and why and it has great potential.

NelizaDrew wrote 837 days ago

It's the sort of chick lit/Nicholas Spark kind of thing I wouldn't read myself, but from what I read, it's well-written and I know plenty of "chicks" who would gobble it up. In terms of marketing these days, it's probably much better to appeal to the majority and you have with a fun read.
Good luck!

Neliza Drew

dreamtime wrote 837 days ago

Thanks for noticing those lines and liking them. Sometimes you write stuff that you think it's so clever, but you wonder what others think. Thanks again, Jim

HI James,

I spotted your forum post the other day and put your book in my WL...finally have some reading time this weekend and yours was the first book I delved into...

Fab pitch, great prologue and then just a great story to get your teeth into. It's so toungue in cheek - I love it.

You have some great lines "Not father no, just knock me up!".

Plenty of hooks going on too...I want to know what happened in Jack's past.

Loved Toli's buying shoes in a whim in answer to her friend saying she was spontaeous.

Also really liked your analogy between ice skating and writing - that was beautiful.

So on my shelf ;o)

Love Bev, x

Betrayal & Love Overbaord


dreamtime wrote 837 days ago

Thanks for noticing those lines and liking them. Sometimes you write stuff that you think it's so clever, but you wonder what others think. Thanks again, Jim

HI James,

I spotted your forum post the other day and put your book in my WL...finally have some reading time this weekend and yours was the first book I delved into...

Fab pitch, great prologue and then just a great story to get your teeth into. It's so toungue in cheek - I love it.

You have some great lines "Not father no, just knock me up!".

Plenty of hooks going on too...I want to know what happened in Jack's past.

Loved Toli's buying shoes in a whim in answer to her friend saying she was spontaeous.

Also really liked your analogy between ice skating and writing - that was beautiful.

So on my shelf ;o)

Love Bev, x

Betrayal & Love Overbaord


Jupiter Echoes wrote 837 days ago

Dialogue flows really nicely.
I don't do chick lit, unless it gets me into bed with somebody, so i don't ever do chick lit.
But i have to say, it is growing on me. I'll be watching morning tv shows next.

Shelved. Enjoyed the chapters i read. I was getting drawn in from the off, especially when someone once asked me to give them a child.

Jupiter

The Bevster wrote 837 days ago

HI James,

I spotted your forum post the other day and put your book in my WL...finally have some reading time this weekend and yours was the first book I delved into...

Fab pitch, great prologue and then just a great story to get your teeth into. It's so toungue in cheek - I love it.

You have some great lines "Not father no, just knock me up!".

Plenty of hooks going on too...I want to know what happened in Jack's past.

Loved Toli's buying shoes in a whim in answer to her friend saying she was spontaeous.

Also really liked your analogy between ice skating and writing - that was beautiful.

So on my shelf ;o)

Love Bev, x

Betrayal & Love Overbaord

Onthedottedline wrote 837 days ago

This is a very clever take on the vacuous celebrity culture and the power that TV and advertising has over our lives. It's a big step-up from mere 'chic-lit' and will, I'm sure, find a much wider audience. It pokes fun, it exposes, it ridicules, and it shows how shallow so many lives have become in an age where prime-time TV is the main event. It's very well written and, underneath the glitter, it has a touching human story. I'd buy it. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

Betty K wrote 837 days ago

First I loved your cover; then I loved your pitch. And the prologue was equally as captivating. I was immediately hooked. What is it, he has to say...?

Read four chapters and took a look at #26 as well. This is well written with excellent dialogue and interesting characters. Definitely keeping it on my shelf.
Betty K

KJKron wrote 837 days ago

You really know how to hook a reader. After the prologue, I couldn't wait to read the first chapter. Then we meet Jack and you hook us again. Love the tone. The characters are charming. The plot so far is great. Reads very well. Just have to stop for a moment to put it on my shelf. Well done.

paxie wrote 838 days ago

James

I thought the Prologue should be more snappy..... Toli is a no nonsence, successful TV presenter.....She'd be scanning Daniel's face with a sceptical eye, a ficker of panic in her chest would ignite a flame of alarm.....She'd brush the make up artist aside and gesture to Danel to finish his call....She'd try for command of the situation.......And then she'd sink into her chair when she realised what he was going to say.......

Chapter two,,,,,I would have liked Jessie's relationship to Jack clarified at the beginning.....It's not until well past the chapter half way mark that we find out they are just friends....

Fabulous end to Chapter two........Great premise and engaging characters......Shelved......

RachelMay wrote 838 days ago

Oh yeah. I like this. I would read this from cover to cover. In fact I just might read everything you've posted so far. Two chapters in and on my third...this is splendid. The writing is neither over written or hard to visualize. I get everything. It's great. And the story is really pulling me in. Not to mention, you don't throw out descriptions clunky-like. No. You do it the right way, easing it into dialogue in a way that we don't even notice how you are describing these people. Jack, especially.

This is great.

I really like it.

Shelved.

lynn clayton wrote 838 days ago

James, I was going to say I'm fascinated that a man should write chick lit - even more that it should be marvellous. Stupid! Whoever reads this book will love it because of the way you write about people.Wish I could download it and read in comfort. Shelved. Lynn

Jane Alexander wrote 838 days ago

James, this is really good. Really really good. I'm not a chick-lit fan but this has great characters, a strong sense of place and cracking dialogue. I never realised a guy could write good chick-lit but I think you've just proved it's more than possible, in fact it might even be preferable!
So much to like here - the pole-dancing boob accident; the endless to-do lists; the boob job post-Hollywood present...
The only bit that held me up was when you introduce Jessie - I wouldn't say upfront how they met. Let us suspect, just for a bit, that they are lovers, or ex-lovers (even if only for a paragraph or two). Think the pole dancing incident would have a greater effect a bit later on.
But it's all good stuff.
I am more than happy to back you with this.
Jane
Walker

Jill H. O'bones wrote 839 days ago

Read chapters 1,15, and 27. The deer was sad, his reaction, wow!! Great story, flowed along at a good pace, characters well developed!!

Backed

Jill

C W Bigelow wrote 839 days ago

James,
I like the storyline but agree that the typos should be fixed. I've run across some during first conversations and found myself wondering if the character speaks like that. "she make list like that" then realize its just a typo. I think some of the background stories are rushed and could be filled out so you get to know the character a little more - like Jessie - it seemed like a checklist of traits then bam want a baby. Just me I guess, but would like to know a little more. Maybe its just the first draft and you will fill in...at any rate think the story is fun and I backed. Good luck. CW (To Save the Sun)

prado.red wrote 839 days ago

Enjoyable and refreshing. I really like the whole premise of this story. It's pretty fast paced without being overly so. However, like a lot of people have already mentioned, there are several typos throughout the story and you might want to go through it and proofread.

Phyllis Burton wrote 839 days ago

Hello James,

After having read a few chapters of Ironwood, I must say that it is well written and vastly entertainingand amusing, even when you take into account Toli and Daniel's disingenuous wish to be married in a place like Ironwood.
I like Jack. I like his confusion about being asked to make his gay friend, pregnant. He's an independent loner with a sense of humour, especially after the bear/coffee scene.
There are a few nit-piks, e.g. in Ch.12 '...Melinda was only somewhat 'relieved' not 'relivid'.
And: At the beginning of paragraph 'The bear had his back to them 'alerted' rather than 'altered', but this does nothing to detract from the enjoyment of the story.
Well done. SHELVED.

Phyllis Burton
A Passing Storm (Could you have a look at it?)

Richard P-S wrote 840 days ago

Dear James,

My usual proviso - these are subjective comments from an unpublished writer.

This feels like it's been written by 2 separate people. Prologue through Chapter 3 by the first, from then on by the second. I found those first 3 chaoters heavy going (and not because they set up the story slowly, but because the narrative felt clunk in some indefineable way). From C4 onwards you seem to have warmed up, and the story and the narrative fly (some of the phrases with which you crown your narrative from here are splendid).

In C1/Prologue, there are three errors which nearly stopped me reading on - "adverting" should be "averting"; "They had planned it months" should be "They had planned it for months"; "Gentleman" should be "Gentlemen".

Edit those first 3 chapters into the tautness subsequent chapters have. By hand, without a machine. Read the words out loud to yourself. This is such a promising book about the desperation of love and need (the need to have a child, regardless of sexual orientation; the need to love someone deeply, with total abandon; the unreachability of love).

I am shelving this on the strength of C3-6, and on its really big potential. But get editing!

R

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