Alaris: The Lances of Light

You use and seem to enjoy dialogue, as I do, which makes this a pleasure to read. Dialogue is so important to a good book, in my opinion. It does so much -- builds characters, shows relationships, and advance the narrative. The key thing, though, is to make it seem credible, natural and realistic to the character speaking it. You do all three here, which by itself is a reason to shelve the book.

But there are other reasons, as well. Your story promises to be quite interesting, blending element of sci fi, history, action, character and, it seems, possibly even religion (in the sense that your protagonists in future chapters will look back at the "heavenly ship" and find artifacts, just as today archaeologists dig up things like the Dead Sea Scrolls.) Well done in concept and in execution. Shelved.

for me sci-fi has to be believable at some level (maybe not rational), you have to put your faith in a book that the author is going to deliver an alternate reality in which to live and experience .

you manage this quite cleverly, i think . certainly i was into your world and living it as only a reader can .

from the beginning , with the craft, the beautiful wings of a dove, the crew comprising dolphin and macaw like aliens . . i felt you were stretching things in a good way, this isn't sci-fi by numbers .

william trying to get away, where you describe very clearly the stench and the layers of cobbles etc below the topsoil, at this close-up level, involving all the senses, you are good at evoking them, and this makes it an involving read, like you're there . escaping the giants and the lupines is something readers could esaily see happening ti themselves . .

you make actual the imagined, and the imagined is an intriguing premise, so this is shelved with pleasure .

wishing you well with it,

freddie
("honour")

Hi Johanan, some thoughts on your opening chapter - some strong stuff here, and I liked the idea of embracing what appears to be "hard" science in the midst of a military-type scenario, with colourful laser beams etc (though they don't reflect on anything - so all you'd see is the dots. One thing I've learned today!). The crew dynamic was good and the creatures were very well rendered. I like the "dinosauropoids" showing their tails as a sign of high breeding. All in all, great stuff, glad to shelve.

Pat Black
Snarl

Johanan,
Wow, this is excellent writing! I'm not much of a SciFi fan but I am an astronomy nut and your descriptions of life and warfare in space sound very convincing, very realistic indeed. You have a wonderful space vocabulary and a great imagination. The narrative is clear and descriptive and the dialogue sounds natural. I especially like the battle between Columbus and Ochak. The only thing I noted from my editor chair is that you keep saying "In space. . ." The reader already knows your in space so you might cut some those out. This is a fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Hello Johanan,

I like it. You and I write pretty much the same. I only read two chapters but I wish that I had the time to read more. I am backing your book. Good work. If you get the chance to make it a movie, I would watch it.

Chris Macone
On The "Horizon"

I would definitely suggest changing the beginning. Absolutely nothing happens with in the first two paragraphs, just description. The description itself isn't bad, but you need to hook your characters with in the first ten lines or the first paragraph, and describing a ship isn't what I would call a "hook."

Brilliant...... Brilliant...... Words fail me.
Backed with utmost pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

I've only had time to read the beginning of Alaris. I think it reads well, your writing style is clear and pleasant.

I'm not convinced you need the first chapter. Do these characters appear again later? are their names and relationships important for the book? You could keep your readers guessing more if, like your characters, they didn't know the past. Just a thought.

I wish you luck with this.
Cheers
Elaine (Zitheron)

Imagine something spanning an eighth of a light year - gives you the shivers. Excellent image, though.Your description of the Memens and Sittacians is detailed, vivid and mark of an original imagination. Likewise the technology.
'Like a taut rubber band' the ship vanishes - good. The idea of elf enhancement is rather sinister.
Have you studied astronomy? You portray space and its vastness with ease.
As for the writing, you're in control of it as you are of your setting. Brilliant. Backed. Lynn

Great Sci-fi premise. I like your education background
nice combo. I Backed.
Thanks for backing King Solomon's '13'.
I appreciate your Support
Good Luck!.
Thanks Again,
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

Hello Johanan, and firstly I have to congratulate you on your book cover, superb. Then there is the short pitch which is as well crafted and the long and the book itself. Exciting , vivid depiction of characters that are skillfully put into my head and will not leave. congrats....Of course anything with gnomes in it is a winner for me, so without any thing else, yes you have me...... I would not normally read a book in this genre, but you know I promised myself that I would step across to another genre, and review for skill etc. one cannot just discard a climbing author just because of genre.....BACKED for sure.......I would just love you to step across to my genre and review my book, COMMENTS are so welcome even if it is only the skill etc.... and if you see fit, BACK it.

BEST of luck with yours

Denise
The Letter

Hello Johanan, and firstly I have to congratulate you on your book cover, superb. Then there is the short pitch which is as well crafted and the long and the book itself. Exciting , vivid depiction of characters that are skillfully put into my head and will not leave. congrats....Of course anything with gnomes in it is a winner for me, so without any thing else, yes you have me...... I would not normally read a book in this genre, but you know I promised myself that I would step across to another genre, and review for skill etc. one cannot just discard a climbing author just because of genre.....BACKED for sure.......I would just love you to step across to my genre and review my book, COMMENTS are so welcome even if it is only the skill etc.... and if you see fit, BACK it.

BEST of luck with yours

Denise
The Letter

ALARIS
I like sci-fi so your pitch about a crashed spaceship pulled me in. You’ve obviously put a lot of imagination into creating this distant world and it shows in the way you’re able to describe everything on this planet down to fine details. If I had a suggestion, it would be to shorten the first chapter and get to Alaris sooner, then come back and fill in back story on a need to know basis (sci fi readers are an impatient lot to get to the action). Either way, this is a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

You are totally fantsatic, Johanan! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing me 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Dear Johanan, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already backed your book, I will put your book on my watchlist. Could you please take a moment to back my completed unedited memoir version, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)

An enjoyable read. Backed. Chuck (Literary Agent Blues)

Some very high concept scifi here mixed with classic fantasy elements.The plot is good and well constructed with a set of grounded characters. Excellent.

I like the idea of a mix between modern (and futuristic) ideas of technology and old ideas of magic, and delving into the realms of mythical beasts.
I can see that you have put quite abit of technical language based around the physics aspect of the book in, which is the only 'quibble' that i would have with the book, but like anything it just takes a little reading to get used to, what i can only assume (not really being any good at physics) accurate understandings of the way the universe works.
Backed because of the great pitch and fantastic opening chapter, will happily read more, but obviously it will take time

J.M (Anton)

If ever Star Trek are looking to commission a new series they couldn't do better than hire you on the writing this.
This is solid sci-fi writing. It's clear you love the genre and your enthusiasm for it shows through in the quality of your work. Backed and all the best,
Hope you can return the favour.
David
Bailey of the Saints

Dear Johanan, I love your adventure - it reminds me of Terminator & its TV series - yours is so wonderful, too. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

I love a firm, solid sci-fi adventure, and that's definitely what I've found her. You have a fantastic premise, and you carry it along perfectly with a great deal of style. You incorporate many unique facets to construct your own vision of the potential star-strewn future.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

I like well-done sci fi. And this is well done. You've created a whole new world complete with worm holes. Because there's so much to explain in sci fi, it's easy to get bogged down in explaining how a weapon or a spaceship works. You carefully avoid that and just concentrate on moving the story forward. Makes this a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Hi Johanan,

I've finally gotten around to reading some of Alaris and I like it. I like the sci-fi, mythic, and magical mix. Also, good use of non-human characters and background. I hope you go a long way. Good luck.

Ray
The Starguards

I really enjoyed the first chapter and it was enough for me to want to back it. The first chapter has set up the world beautifully while leaving so much room for development and exploration. I will definitely be back for more chapters, but in the mean time, your book is gladly BACKED!

-Raman

Backed with pleasure
warm wishes
Hatts

HI Johanan
Great sci-fi writing. It really lives on the page. Excellent dialogue and description.
Hope you're tip top,
JG Reynolds (Head, Heart & Trousers).

You drew me into this story with the pitch--very interested to meet this feudal society with its groups of wizards, and the parchment and artifact should carry the plot a long way. I was impressed with your imaginative depiction of so many types of characters as the story progressed--Sittacians, Memen, Nagas, etc.--and even more impressed by your careful, colorful and almost poetic description of the Alaris Nebula. Few sci-fi writers take the trouble to draw such beautiful pictures. The one nit I had with the writing was that the dialog sometimes sounded stilted or contrived. For example, after Christine asks and is told how Alaris got its name, she replies: "Interesting. I did not know that." Outside of a few instances like that, though, ALARIS seems like a very sound sci-fi selection, and one which offers a series of books--something publishers will love. Backed.
Niobrara Kardnova (The Trouble with Wives)

Hi Johanan I'm not normally a sci fi fan but your clearly are and write it very well. Do as I said I'm not normally a fan I did get into this and enjoyed ll your descriptions, the warp speeds, force fields, light years and technology are all written very realistically. Also the other human/animal like creatures are a nice touch and you subtly built a new world for us here. The action when the two ships go to battle and the description of almost getting sucked into the wormhole add nice pace and tension and I have to say I enjoyed this. On my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Okay, just read chapter one. I can see a strong Star Trek influence at work. Warp drive, inertia dampeners, 'elf enhancements" that lead to pointy ears and higher intelligence, etc. Even the various species (avian, reptilian, insect, marine mammal) reminded me a little of the Xindi from Enterprise. Not a criticism mind you. A great deal of modern sci-fi is influenced by Star Trek, which was of course itself influenced by earlier sci-fi. You incorporated familiar elements into your story, coupled with real scientific jargon, to enhance the story.

Though I wonder, was it wise to travel through a wormhole with no shields and severely damaged inertia dampeners? Sounds like a pretty rough ride.

I didn't get into the meat of the story, the legend and unfolding history of the whole story (145,000+ words, and it's incomplete!), but I can see you've put a hell of a lot of work into it. Your physics background will certainly aid you in your sci-fi writing, much to the delight of hard-core sf fans everywhere. A publisher might ask you to break it up, but epic books have been published before as a whole, so it could work.

Backed for scientific integrity, imagination and hard work.

Backed January 18.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

Love the characterization. Love the natural dialogue. Not my genre but there is no doubt you have studied your craft well... it shows.

Jolly good luck with this Johanan...it's great

Mary

Johanan,

You've done an excellent job of creating a realistic world with vivid characters. Love the different species - from the dolphin-like Memen to the macaw-like Sittaceans. Science fiction is not an easy genre to write in, let alone to do it so well - kudos!

Happy to go along your story's journey and pleased to back. Best of luck to you :)

Cheers!
Collette
(The Soul Broker)

Hi Johanan,
Your story has a lot of neat science fiction imagery. It's really fun to read. Shelved.
Cynthia

I was taken by the plot straight away and further pulled in by the tight writing on display. I love a good sci-fi! This have the potential to be an absolute ripper! Backed.

Excellent - i've been looking for a good sci fi book to read and i think i found it :D
backed!
i'd be grateful if you could take a look at my book, thank you!

Very enjoyable read. And that for me is perhaps the most important quality in a book. I would repeat the comment about unpronouncable names, a few vowels would certainly help. A subjective point: I would also lose the last paragraph of your pitch, telling me something is believable or plausible in this way only makes me want to cringe.

A complexly woven tale with an interesting beginning. The premise reminds me vaguely of the history of Pern in the Dragonrider series, only more exciting. An enjoyable story.

DW (River Dream)

I'm not the first to notice the "Star Trek" like feel to the story that has a movie feel to it. Plenty of science stuff and lots of dialogue to keep things moving. Good stuff. Perhaps consideration could be given to cliff-hanger chapter endings? Backed.

Robin Piper
Phuzamanzi

hi,

i only read the first chapter, because, to be honest, it was as long as a short story in itself. i thought it was too long for the story to be instantly accessible, and although your writing is grammatically tidy, there's a massive information dump, losing sight of the story.

my suggestion would be put the science in as scenery and make the story the star.

just me, though, and i don't know any more than anyone else, so there you go.

good luck.

craig

Hiii..
I like the plot of the story and I must appreciate you for the narration.
All the best.
Backed with wishes.
S. Vinay Kumar

This writer has a great idea and knows his science. Chapter one is too long and contains too much information.
It's tempting to do a "dump" in the first chapter to let the reader know everything s/he needs to know, but too much information is overwhelming. Also be aware of using dialogue for characters to tell each other what they already know.

Johanan:

Your visuals are amazing. I stumbled a bit over the name pronunciations, but with an easy last name like mine, it's to be expected. You have a knack for description that places the reader in the moment. I could easily see this being a movie.

Backed with pleasure.

Candace Bowen Early (A Knight of Silence)

Aninterestig premise on which to base a story and one which I think may well attract a market. I enjoyed reading the first chapters.
Patrick
Their Lordships Request

This has the promise of a real epic, kicking off with lots of action and a great plot. I personally prefer a matter-of-fact, everday kind of approach to technology in SciFi and this is certainly that, making for fantastic but eminently believable technology and science.

It's very readable and this is one book I will come back to. Backed.

First line, 1st paragraph: skip the word "sat" and say "floated" instead.

Okay this is pretty good stuff. I have enjoyed it even though the 1st chapter is long. It is clear that you are a science buff and it gives the book a real feel of authenticity. Your writing is a little less than vivid but you are conveying the material like a science officer would and so that too is in comfortable accord with the work itself. All in all, this looks like a great read. I would suggest that you end the 1st chapter somewhere that will make us feel compelled to read on. Just now everything seems fine in the plot and it looks like a great place to take a break. That's not good. You want to end chapters where the reader is absolutely loather to stop reading. Otherwise, this is great!

Okay. This is not a genre I read but the writing looks good and I'm pretty sure my husband would love this. It is exactly his type of read. Also I love the last couple of sentences in Chapter 1, so I "backed" it for that and for him.

Betty K "Destiny's Weave"

I'm havng a good time reading this, which for me, is important with any book, but really important in Sci-Fi. I want to feel lost in this strange world, and I did. I loved the descriptions and the creativity. I didn't get Star Trek from it as I was reading, like other people are saying. I don't know if that's a good thing or not! In any case, on my shelf.

hey good story, kinda star trek like but enjoyable anyway, i am into sci-fi things since i was 18. so i found urs good to read. i didnt notice any errors from what i saw. anyways backed.! hope you can give mine a read sometime.

Alexei (Memories of an Orphan)

I'm having a hard time pushing the chair back and saying, enough, gotta move on. This is just thoroughly engaging...I feel like I'm in the book wandering around with the monsters and villains...lupines, will they eat anything? Rousing and fast paced.....another one that's got what it takes!

sue sohn

I bookstore read ch1.
I found something which was very Star Trek like, I would like to see more original stuff.
The description of the warp speed jump reminded me of every sci fi movie I have seen.
The names are (as has been said) too much hard work, and they do cause the book to stutter rather than to flow as easily as it should.
Having said that the descriptive stuff is good, I am unsure about the dolphin and maccaw looking aliens though, the descriptions of them made me stop and try to imagine them, and failed.
To sum up, I found it a little muddled, a brilliant idea, but a bit too wordy and not really original enough.

JanB
Table for One

I thought this was very good. It is well-written and has undertones of Star Trek about it. I like the words you have created for inter-stellar species and the pace is good. I think this could do very well and I can imagine it being on the big screen. I am happy to back and I wish you good luck with it.

Best Wishes

Anna

Hey Jonathan,

I'm not a huge fan of science fiction, I think the 'science' part of it confuses me at times. So when I gave your book a read, I decided I'd judge it based on the writing and not necessarily the story. With that in mind, you've got a great piece here. Your writing is smooth, polished and enjoyable. There were no major typos or grammatical errors that might throw a reader off, it was all smooth sailing.

Backed with pleasure.
Alexis A. Hunter
(The Five Staffs of Meledari)

I love Science Fiction so your pitched grabbed my attention. The fact that you so blatently praise your own ability to be "cleverly believable" made me need to read your book so that I could confirm or deny your decree.

Here's what I found.

You have a strong hand with dialogue but you should remember that narrative is also important to character building. Your writing is easy to follow, though some of the names you chose for characters act as road blocks when reading. I've read many a science fiction novel and I've always found that the names that aren't easily pronounced are annoying. Try using more vowels.

Now that I've done my nit picking for the day, I'll say that this is a great story and that your writing is solid.

Shelved.

Janice (Blood of Eden)

Johanan, I'm not a great fan of SF, but with a cover and pitches as good as these, it's a must-read book. I like the blend of SF and Fantasy very much. There's a formatting issue in your long pitch which you should address, a line break after "Heavenly Ship."
The opening chapter is very long, but that's such an issue as it would be in a different genre, and you take the reader straight into the very heart of your remarkable imagination. There's some great imagery here, as I'd have expected, and also many examples of well-crafted and realistic dialogue, which I hadn't. You write very well in a style that permits infinite possibilities - very impressive. Consider me a fan.
Backed.
Jared.

Backed.

Natasha (Water Under the Bridge...rises)