ARCHER

Wow this is brilliant! So dark and gritty...I love it! Archer will definately be going on my bookshelf at the end of March.

I was completely hooked from the start and can honestly find no faults in this book so far. Your style of writing is very real and easy to follow. The narration moves at an appropriate pace and the reader is constantly presented with new questions. Brilliant!

you clever person-you.
you've got us all hooked, just before you reach the editor's desk. i imagine i'll be able to buy the rest of the book soon! that's about as big a compliment as i can pay you.
great stuff, tim

You can't leave it there!!! Sorry, I have no problem in saying I'm upset and I'm certainly not professional enough to mind everyone knowing I'm upset!! Bloody good read (can I say that without offending?). My stomach was in knots from chapter 4 onwards. Loved the pace, it's easy to read (hate things that are too complicated) and it's a truly gripping story. Now have to play about with my shelf...

Truly enjoyable.

ps - think there may be a word missing in first paragraph of chapter 4 - '....long ago chapter sealed tight.' see, I can be helpful too...

Gripping, fast paced, smooth as silk, flows like the relentless incoming tide..... this is a polished taut thriller that should be published.

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

I like the discourse. You do a good job of moving in and out of direct narration and a more free, indirect discourse.

You do a good job with the setting in Phoenix. I live in Phoenix.

In chapter six you say he’d only been there a few months and buried in research. I didn’t get this from the plane ride where you described his duties as the techie.

You say a few times Carter has the Jamaican accent. HE says things like “I do not want to die.” Instead of I don’t want to die. I think you could do a better job of really making him Jamaican.

I went back… not sure what to make of Carter’s ramblings. These are more than ramblings. Not sure this is a good description.

I’m not sure I buy the end of Chapter Six. If Archer told the detective all that I think it would be incumbent upon the detective to take him to HQ for a sworn affidavit in front of his superiors.
I do have to say that I want to read more at this point, though. One thing, maybe I’m missing it, but I don’t know how Archer talks, how much money he has, what he drives, how nice his life is with Megan. I’m wanting a little more color. Not everything, but he’s a little black and white amidst such a grave situation.
Now here at the beginning of Seven you tell me what he drives. Maybe consider putting something up front. And you tell me about his debt. Maybe I’m being hyper alert for characterization.
When the cops tell him he’s under arrest for homicide, I don’t think he’s going to ask “Who?” His heart would be beating out of his chest the minute he saw the cops and he would know what it was about. Archer is a smart man. I think that sometimes you have him bumbling through.

While the review could have been more helpful, it doesn't detract from what Archer is. A perfectly decent, mid-list crime novel that would struggle to generate much interest or sales. It's not a condemnation of the book - it's just a comment on the market.

It looks like you will have to have to find a publisher yourself Dave, it is obvious that the ignorant, illiterate, anonomous bozo reviewer from HarperCollins was of no help to you. I was in the process of putting my writings on this site, after reading this bunch of crap from Harpers, I will find another place to go.

Don't give up on your novel Dave, it has great potential. As for the reviewer from HarperCollins, learn to use spellcheck moron, and learn how to write, you obviously have no talent for the written word.

I'm don't want to repeat what the previous four commenters said, but... that was a review? Wow. So, this is what some of us have to look forward to? Interesting, to say the least.

I've not read Archer, but this HC review is pretty much useless. All they seem to have done is give a long synopsis of your story, so if I read the review I can see what the story is about, but they don't point out anything for you to improve on, don't list anything they actually like, and give you no constructive feedback whatsoever.

Sorry you had to wait so long to get a synopsis of your novel.

Lorrii

I'd cut-and-paste the synopsis and use it...you'd get something constructive out of this process at least...sorry, man.

Interesting. A 700-word synopsis of your book, and a 42-word critique. And full of typos. Do you think the delay in getting the edited version to them caused them to just run out of time?

Intrigued. Impatient. Where are we going? When is the rest of it coming? Hope it continues in the same vein.

Rick Gammons
(Touching Bottom)

Ooh, fun read! I'm a little afraid of getting hooked before it's finished.

Loved it. I thought this was great!

This is great stuff, Dave. I'm burning to know how the story goes on. The pace put me straight into the story. I could feel and even smell what Sam felt and smelled. Great work.

Hi Dave,

Fast-paced and thrilling. And follows Murphy's law: something keeps going wrong for Archer (the person).
Everything is going right for Archer( the book); lets see this in print.

Luck,
Vikrant

Well done Dave. Can I get a signed copy when it is published please?

Jeff

Hi Dave,

I am so excited for you! Good luck, I am sure that "Archer" will be published!

COOL BOOK!
Read mine???

Honestly, I like this! I can see this in a bookstore. I know I've missed the month-end but I'm adding you to my shelf anyway...

A very compelling read with a unique voice. Has a way of just drawing one in. I think the flow in ch. 3 is great and wouldn't change anything. The detective questioning bit is perfect, in my opinion

Like this a lot - great pace and immediate involvement with lead character. I can see this being very popular with fans of Connolly and Crais. I assume Sam will live to become a series.

This chapter sucked me right in. I really have nothing else to say, but bravo!!! I'll be reading the rest too!

Great first line. An original. The line .. overdeveloped vomit of concrete ... is superb.

You've used little in relation to the dog twice. Cut one. But this is good and tense.

On my WL till I have a space on my shelf.

Joanna

YES!!!!

Dave I only joined at the beginning of Jan. I know I said that I wasn't going to back anything in the top five, (crit 10 days ago) but I'd hate to see all your hard work go down the drain. I liked Archer enough to back it, but my vote didn't mean that much at the time but I hope it means a little more now. Good luck mate

This is fast, hard narrative. I like it. - For me a bit of descriptive text to round the background would be fine. I will complete the read asap. Certainly a candidate for the Ed's desk

Great pace and thick with atmosphere. There's real tension in there. I'm two chapters in and enjoying myself thoroughly.

1st thoughts...I think the pitch could be better. It conveys the necessary info but it doesn't really standout.

Read Ch1 & part of 2 -
There is drama in this from the very first sentence and you don't let up. And crucially the characters are portrayed realistically: the conversation between MC & boss on the car down is an excellent example of simple, effective and NATURAL dialogue. The story too has a native draw for the reader. This is definately worth backing.

Ch1 -
This is professionally written and pulls you in with ease. I appreciate the way you slowly drip the info in piecemeal, rather than dump it upfront in blocks: 'My recent switch from making money on a basketball court to making it behind a desk..' - little things like this tell me that you know your craft.

Ch2 -
'Is there a crime in progress, sir?' I really like that. It's very realistic of the drone-like responses you get from people 'doing a job'.

'...unnecessarily sharp mind...' - I don't like 'unnecessarily'. How about still-sharp?
'overdeveloped vomit' - I like that!
'strenuous yoga session' - firstly unless you're Madonna, yoga is meant to be gentle & relaxing! This pulled me up.

Very smooth and gripping. I can't wait to read more. Definitely shelved.

This is an extremely interesting story. And although it's not something I normally read, I was intrigued to read on. Your plot seems to be very well thought out and the dialogue very convincing and rang true as I read it. I will shelve your book, as I think it deserves to move on. Below are just some thoughts. Take them or leave them. They are very minor and completely optional. You have a great way with words and your writing is smooth and calm. I really liked this. Well done. And best of luck.

Ray

Chapter 1
Your first sentence is lovely and the line “in-the-casket dead” gripped me immediately.

Ninety-four-years-old --- that’s US grammar. I’m not sure about England’s style guide.

“I willed myself not to stare at (the) dark houses on either side.” I think there may be a missing word there. Check and see.

Your sentences are varied in length and by doing that you create a real sense of pacing and energy. All too often writers go for lines that are about the same length. And I’m sure as anything I’m guilty of it, too. Your ability to use varying line length shows skill.

You also bring in scentswhich is lovely. I’d love to read more about textures, though. But don’t just add it in willy-nilly. No, no, no. You’re writing is too good, but if it makes sense, think about it for where it works. Just a thought.

Chapter 2
“near-comatose Carter” I like the way that rolls off the tongue.

Suggestion. “Her voice was mechanical. (Robotic? C3-PO? Scripted? Monotone?) By changing that one word it seems like it might add to the sense that this woman reading from a script, no variation in her tone. But it’s a word choice thing. Think about it. I have a problem with this as well, so I know.

I really liked the bit about the basketball past. It made get a glimpse into Archer.
The intrigue between what happened to Archer’s boss and the conversation between Archer and Carter is well played. I am a stickler for dialogue. It reads fast and fluid. Well done there.

“making it hard to spit out the next words” I like that. It was so simple and yet made me go, “wow those words were put together nicely.”

This finding your boss dead thing hit a chord with me, because my boss was found dead in July. It’s a shocking thing and you can’t help but go through this weird internal questioning that both your characters, Archer and Pickens are going through. (My boss died of a stroke. Wasn’t murdered. But we found him at home and that was just heart breaking.)

The ending of chapter 2 is compelling. And does encourage the reader to read on. I wonder if you elaborated a bit more, (and this is totally a thought and don’t take it if you don’t agree), if you got more into Archer’s head about his suspicions. Now I realize I haven’t read on, and you may get more into it as the chapters progress. But that is my initial thought.

I wish I had more time to read this today. The first chapter is definitely intriguing. And it's not a genre I usually read, either. I don't think I could offer anything to make it better, right now. The setting was especially easy for to visualize as I've spent a fair amount of time in the Southwest and my grandmother used to live in Phoenix, so... maybe it was that or maybe it was the way you described it--an overdeveloped vomit of concrete, asphalt and ceramic tile. That certainly paints a nice picture. Well done. I will read more when I have a chance, not that it's going to matter much if you manage to get on the ED's desk.

This si good real good.

Excellent writing, Dave. Only read the first chapter so far, but I'm totally hooked and will read on. Would the dog bark when they ring the door bell?

I'M ABSOLUTELY HOOKED! dkin97..This is an awesome read! Can't wait to read more!

Hello. I'm new here and I know my vote doesn't count for much, but I voted for your book, Archer. Wonderfully written and deserves much praise.
Sincerely,
Lori (a reader, not a writer)

Okay, okay. So I was wrong. I read the first two chapters. Twice. I like the story. I have an idea of where it might be going, at least in the short run. But I'm not positive and am definitely curious. After I get my final chapters uploaded and do a few nicks and tucks here and there, I will read more, hopefully all of it if you put it up. There are a few technicalities (I won't call them errors), What is a "shiny" painting. I would guess that if one exists it is a glossy in some magazine and not in the l.r. of an elegant house. Also, in Chapter One, there is something jarring about saying that no "cups or tissues" were lying about. Tissues? It somehow doesn't fit. Maybe "dirtry napkins" or ashtrays. And what are "Emergency Services" I live in Tucson and never heard of them so I assumed they were Phoenician for paramedics, except that paramedicas also showed up. And whoever emergency services are, who called them? Several times the lateness of the night is mentioned, but then someone refers to the middle of the night as 10 a.m. I have one more note but can't read my own writing. Big surprise. Sorry if I offended you before. I truly meant nothing negative, but it was alemost eleven and I was too tired to be serious about anything but sleep. Jan











one of the officials wqho show up looks at his watch and says youshowed up at 10 A.M.

As promised, I've read some more. Actually, I've read the lot. Still rattling along at a good pace, keeping the questions coming, but I have a "But". Or two.

End Ch5: "And they were about to face their biggest test ever." Argh, don't do this! Sam can't know what's coming. You've just intruded the authorial voice into the narrative, telegraphed that something's about to happen to Sam and jolted me right out of the story. Just when I was getting comfy, too. Grr.

Ch 6: "That was my first mistake of the day" and others. You're doing it again. He can only know it's a mistake after the fact. Either write the whole story from the point of view of an older, wiser Sam looking back from the end of the book, or write it as if we're in Sam's head with him, living it.

Ch 9: Nice payoff, as long as it's not supposed to be Rachel!

I'm still going to try to find a space on my shelf for this, though. Yes, I'm quibbling and kvetching all over the place but the story is still tense, with plenty of energy and a likeable protagonist, and what I'm complaining about are such easy fixes it would be churlish not to. Good luck! Ellie.

Wow this is brilliant! So dark and gritty...I love it! Archer will definately be going on my bookshelf at the end of March.

I was completely hooked from the start and can honestly find no faults in this book so far. Your style of writing is very real and easy to follow. The narration moves at an appropriate pace and the reader is constantly presented with new questions. Brilliant!

I liked your pitch, so this has been sitting on my watchlist for a while, and today I finally got around to reading it.

Plenty of energy and a sympathetic protagonist in Sam, who's in way over his head and sinking fast. Overall it reads smoothly adn is well polished, although I do have a niggle or two:

Ch 1: "Leather seat" - mentioned twice. I'd kill the second leather, it doesn't add anything.

"cocker spaniel bounded out" - that's two bounds and a bounding. Pick another verb.

Ch 2: "Acrid smell" in Reid's bedroom that makes it hard to breathe. In the previous chapter is was just slightly stale, but getting worse. I wouldn't have thought you could go from stale to acrid. Acrid smells have an edge, like smoke, that catches your throat. Dead bodies smell sweetish/foul, or at least the birds and mice my cats have left under the sofa over the years do.

Ch 3: "Spoken with his musical voice, it sounded like a breath of air lingering between us." So Carter's voice is musical, but it sounds like a breath, but a breath doesn't sound like anything much at all. It can't be both. You might want to rethink that sentence.

Something about Carter didn't quite convince - in Ch1 he's tense and gritty and restless, then practically on the floor with shock, then gets his shit together enough to alter the scene in Reid's bedroom, then lie to Sam's face, then by mid Ch3 he's sallow and slack and shrinking before Sam's eyes. Too many shifts. I struggled to swallow so much change there, I'm afraid.

I'm going to read on a bit further, see how this develops, before I make a decision about shelving. Back shortly, Ellie.

Hey Dave,


Here I am on Ch. 5 and I'm wondering if the hole poor Archer is in can possibly get any deeper? Each chapter just shovels on more trouble and more unanswered questions. Snappy pitch, sharp opening, loaded with hooks. Love the infusion of dry humor throughout (make-up was her best friend), which gives Archer a distinct voice and a strong likability factor. Descriptions and characters are clear, the pace is sizzling, the tension building. Something tells me things are going to get impossibly bad for Archer.


Criticisms? I have none. Archer goes on my shelf!


All the best,
Gemi

Hi Dave,

Well, your first chapter really sucked me in! Smooth and well-written. We know what we’re going to find when we get to Reid’s house, because you’ve set it up that way, yet there’s still a palpable sense of tension.

Only two tiny quibbles about this chapter. First, ‘Murmuring the question without opening my eyes. Just trying to change the subject.’ I wasn’t sure why you needed to have sentence fragments here. I don’t think it would lose anything stylistically if you changed it to ‘I murmured …, just trying …’ Second, you have a mismatch near the end with ‘The bedsheets on the right side … was turned down’. Should be ‘were turned down’.

On to chapter two. The tension is well maintained here. And I like the further insights we get into Archer’s character. ‘Smiling was my natural reaction to feelings of inadequacy’ – yeah, I understand that completely :-)

Again, some small quibbles: ‘the silence broken only by clicking of a keyboard’ – THE clicking of a keyboard? ‘But it was Carter’s idea after all’ – need a comma after idea? And ‘“I’ve got a question for you,” I asked’ – seems like ‘asked’ is the wrong word here, because he isn’t actually asking anything. Also ‘We headed toward Carter’s car when …’ – should this be ‘We were headed …’?

Chapter three: enjoyed the new complication here. This is turning out to be a really intriguing mystery. I’d definitely want to read on, though I don’t have time for now.

My only quibble in this chapter was the paragraph near the end beginning ‘A slight man already …’ We have just been caught up in the worry over Rachel’s disappearance and the possibility that Archer might be unfairly implicated. So that was on my mind. And then suddenly, Archer started questioning the Reid episode again. It seemed abrupt. I wondered why he was thinking about it when his mind would surely still be full of the interview he’s just had with the detective. Carter didn’t say anything to bring on those thoughts. I just wonder whether you could tweak it slightly to make the transition a bit smoother.

Anyway, I think overall this is great. I can see why it’s got as high as it has. So it’s going on my shelf – it may come off again a bit later, because I’m trying to get a fair amount of reading done today, but you’ll have had my vote.

Hi Dave,
I believe the first sentence serves as a great hook. But it is not related to your story. The discription of grand mother's death is somewhat distracting.
The chapter title is "discovery."
The set up, background and everything scream that Reid is dead.
You can make Archer and his boss find him earlier, say, he is lying in the ground floor instead of a bedroom in the upstairs.
Maybe, Archer and his boss are having an appointment to meet Reid. They are going to meet him and unexpectedly find him dead. Let it be a surprise to the reader.
I like your clear prose and the story moves in a swift pace.

-Anand

Dave,
You don`t need me to tell you what a great book you here. The bookshelves speak for themselves. Action-packed, compelling narrative. How could it not be on mine too?
Good luck with that HC crit!
Ruth

Dave, you've written a great beginning to what appears to be a thriller. The characters are typical, yet unique, which makes them believable. I read this before and after the edits. I must admit, the edits smoothed a lot of the areas on which I initially stumbled. The text is cleaner, easier to read, and offers a much better pace.

I'm not familiar with the word, 'incroyable,' so Carter's reaction somewhat threw me, but I assume that’s a word found in thrillers or Jamaican literature.

One line that really stuck out - Clearly, the man who treated his body like a landfill had treated his home like a temple. - if all of your character description was this sharp and indirect, it would take your writing from good to extraordinary.

Most of the other character descriptions were of recipe quality - here's a person, let me tell you about him in one paragraph. Then, that zinger is offered and it truly demonstrates the talent you have. Something tells me it might make the difference between an editor reading it and a contract. With the strength of the remainder of this book, it would be a shame not to rise to your potential! Best of luck at the top!
Toby

Dave
I need to check out Archer before the end of January. You don't need my shelf, but I'll give it to you anyway because the writing deserves it.

One point concerns me that may be trivial. Archer sees something on the pillow. "What is it? A mint?" This jumps out as an early clue that has to be important later. The question mark suggests that he is not sure what it was. A later comment refers to the mint on the pillow as if that is definitely what is was. If it is as important as I think it is, I don't see why it needs to be veiled as to whether it is or isn't a mint. I'm sure this will be addressed later and perhaps it is trivial.

Archer is intended to be a likeable character and I do like him and feel for him. But it would be easier for me to like him if he were not so profane. I would prefer that you would leave that for the bad guys.

Bob

Wondered why you'd hit the highspots with Archer, Dave. Now I know why as it is so well written. I'd buy this and hope I soon will be able to. I love such stories and this promises to be thrilling, fast paced and scary. Shelved your book. Lorri

you clever person-you.
you've got us all hooked, just before you reach the editor's desk. i imagine i'll be able to buy the rest of the book soon! that's about as big a compliment as i can pay you.
great stuff, tim

Chapter 2: the obvious quibbles... 'i've got a question for you' I asked... Not a question Dave! :)
"Carter wiped his own brow with his palms" - don't reckon the 'own' is necessary here.

Only other thing was that I found the cops taking the dog a bit strange. Surely they would call animal services, call next of kin? I would think there would be OHS, animal rights issues etc - - of course, I'm not familiar with police procedure when it comes to pooches, but it just rang a little false with me.

Cheers, Pink :)

Hi Dave
Just read the first couple of chapters of Archer and I must admit to having a few concerns. I think you write well with a strong, confident style. But here’s the thing… I think your writing lends itself to an intelligent reader, but there are certain credibility issues that an intelligent reader might balk at.

First off there’s the idea that someone’s boss phones them in the middle of the night and asks them to join them on a visit to a colleague’s home on the basis that something terrible might have happened to them. I just didn’t find this believable. Maybe if they were best of friends and there was some kind of pressing reason why they should think something amiss. Maybe if the Archer had said to his boss earlier that day.
‘Okay Reid’s diabetic and we all know he’s accident prone so maybe he’s taken a fall or had a ‘hypo’ (gone into hypoglycaemic shock) and he’s lying unconscious next to the fridge. Give me a call later and I’ll come over to the house with you.’
Then…
‘But it’s past midnight.’
‘Don’t give me a hard time Archer. The meeting finished twenty minutes ago and you did say you’d come over.’
‘Ok, ok… let’s just go. But the guy had better have broken a leg, or be in a coma at least!’

There needs to be some justification for them going over there on a whim. Maybe he missed his AA appointment with his sponsor or maybe he didn’t show up at ‘the club’ and someone had said he looked scared shitless last time they saw him. Or maybe they just knew he was suicidal and had promised to check up on him… There has to be something.

Then as they are driving over there it could be…
‘Maybe he’s just got the flu or he’s taking a couple of duvet days.’
‘I haven’t known Reid take a day off sick in over six years. Besides, if all he had was a cold he would have phoned in.’
‘Ok, let’s just get there. The sooner we see he’s all right. The sooner we can get back to bed.’

He paragraph that starts, ‘the hair on the back of my neck’, seems to have a lot of information in it. I wonder if you need quite so much about the org chart and the Fortune 500 etc.

I wasn’t sure about the sequence of events when they pull onto Reid’s drive. Again Carter would only bound onto the porch if he had reason to believe Reid was in trouble. Obviously he does, from whatever he has been reading or watching on his Blackberry. But if that is the case then Archer should react in a way that you or I might…
‘Looks like no one’s home.’
‘Still let’s have a look around,’ replied Carter getting out of the car. ‘Just to be sure.’

They go up to the house they ring the bell. Carter knocks on the door. Archer leans close to peer in the window and that’s when the dog leaps up and scares the hell out of him. As he looks again Archer can see cushions torn and white feathers strewn across the floor. A packet of cereal lies savaged on the couch and the fish bowl has been upturned (evidence that a dog has been left on its own in the house for several days). And then, when they open the door, you can bet that the first thing they smell is not the stale smell of the corpse upstairs but the unpleasant reek of dog shit and piss.
‘Maybe we should call the cops.’
‘Let’s just take a look around first…’
Chances are then, that rather than looking round the house, the dog would lead them upstairs and start scratching or barking at the bedroom door.

Now they find Reid
‘I followed his gaze to the left-hand side of the bed, to a lump under the covers.’ Switching this sentence might work better.

Is ‘Incroyable’ a way of writing incredible as if someone was about to throw up? If so you might be better writing… ‘Incredible,’ he said in a strangled tone as if he was about to throw up. More words, I know, but it avoids any ambiguity.

Then…
‘I turned my gaze to the bed. It looked odd… staged somehow. Reid lay on the left, but the right side of the bed was turned down, like in a hotel. And there was something on the pillow. Round and shiny, like it was wrapped in foil…What was it? A mint?
I looked back at Carter to comment, but it was no use. He was slumped against the wall. His eyes were unfocussed, staring into space, and whatever it was he saw terrified him.

Just a suggestion. A way of slamming the door shut on the chapter. But only you know whether it might be justified.

Chapter Two
Once again I’m afraid, that for me, the credibility of the scene undermined the otherwise good writing.

The 911 call comes out of the blue, and the subsequent conversation didn’t seem to scan as well as it might…
It wasn’t just the smell of death that made it hard to breathe. With a glance at the near-comatose Carter I made my way downstairs and out the front door. I reached into my coat pocket for my phone, fumbling to make the three-digit call.

‘Emergency services,’ came the reply. ‘What service do you require?’
‘I, erm… I’m not sure… It’s our friend… he’s dead.’

The next bit flows fine, but I thought there should have been a, ‘No, sir. Just stay where you are,’ somewhere in there.

I then found the back-story of his basketball history a little incongruous. Maybe that could come later when they are taken down to the station to give a statement, which they almost certainly would have been.

‘When you got to the house was the door open?’
‘It was unlocked.’
‘And what made you go inside?’
‘We looked in the window. The place was a mess… the dog had torn stuff up. It just didn’t look right.’

A tight shake of the head. ‘Don’t remember that… Why would I say that?’

‘Well, let’s see. We find our boss dead. Neatly tucked up in bed, with a mint on his pillow. But did he die in his sleep or did someone give him more than a goodnight kiss?’

**It’s just struck me… was Reid naked in bed (or in his pj’s), or was he fully clothed?**

The rest of the chapter seems a little surreal and maybe you intended that. But again it seems unlikely that an old couple from across the street would come across and gossip about their neighbour at 1.30 in the morning. It’s obvious that they have something to do with the plot and they have a slightly sinister air about them, but maybe you could have them huddled by there gate in their overcoats, accosting Archer as he goes past, and starting as they almost certainly would with the question… ‘What’s going on there then?’

Finally, (unless the police are in on the murder) I think it is inconceivable that a medical examiner wouldn’t be called to an unexplained death. The opinion of the police and the paramedics would count for absolute zilch. It would be the coroner who decided whether or not it was death by natural causes, during the course of the autopsy. It could be that you have your reasons for bypassing normal procedure but if you do Archer should respond to the wierdness of it.

Maybe you could end the chapter with something like this…
‘There was foul play involved. It was bloody obvious! So why was Archer the only one to see it?’

Well Dave those are my thoughts, for what they are worth. Remember that you now more about your story than anyone else so you might have good reasons for the things I point out. On the other hand, if events don’t play out in a way that feels realistic then that will undermine the believability of the book and that is essential for the tension and the drama to work as it should.

Hope you find something useful in all that
Yours
Blackheart

Ho ho!! Nice! Have just read Chapter 1...

Two obvious quibbles which I will bother you with since the rest is so tight on a first read - - when they arrive at the house, it's not immediately clear that the protagonist gets out of the car and follows Carter - at first I thought he was observing him from the car, so it was a bit confusing! I think it's just a matter of inserting a couple of crucial words...

And secondly, "the stairs flew under my feet two at a time. At the door to the room, they froze" - sounds like you're referring to the stairs which is a bit weird.

Excellent though! The opening is fantastic - a wonderful juxtaposition of the human/humane and the inhuman/inhumane; love the blunt, wry voice of your character; dialogue utterly natural...

A couple of truly great lines - nothing intrusive though - nicely measured. Beautifully done!

Hi Dave!

A nice beginning to the thriller :-) I read two chapters during lunch and found them compelling ~ I certainly am interested to find out more. I read with my editing hat on as you requested some detailed feedback ,so my journey was a little more faltering than a typical reader, but I hope my thoughts prove useful. I will just list my suggestions for now, if you want to know the reasons then give me a shout and I'll expand, I have to go back to work now!

- "I more easily imagined children stopping Reid on the street..." seemed a bit of a clumsy way to describe Reid as younger unless he looked like Santa? Which would be a cool way of describing him!
- "Carter put down the BlackBerry" **and "gripped" or ", gripping". You need a conjunction there I think.
- I love the unfolding of information about the guys, their relationship and Archer's job.
- Good question about it being the dead of night...one of the things that propelled me forward ~ like it!
- I wasn't sure why..."I willed myself not to stare at dark houses on either side"
- "..only the truly naive left..." I think should be leave because they presumably continue to do so after.
- Clearly, the man who treated his body like a landfill"..great sentence!
- "door of the room" should be "to the room"
- "Danger?" when on the phone to police - love the thought process revealed here ~ showing shock. Masterful.
- "he died in his sleep" should be "he'd died"
- "all signs were to the contrary." I thought the cars outside indicated doubt that he was out?
- I think you need to make it clearer that the cops are out of earshot when Carter first chats to Archer on the lawn...I was reading under assumption the cops could hear just because I didn't know the gap between the porch and the lawn.
- I was slightly concerned with the fact that finding a dead body with someone that acts suspiciously is something we often see in movies and novels and therefore perhaps a bit overdone, but on the other hand it's difficult to be completely original...but I thought I mention it as a concern.

All in all definitely a book I will back! It rolls along very nicely and sets up enough questions to keep it intriguing...any doubts I have about the opening will be assuaged by reading on I think (judging by your blurb).

hope that helps!

Hi Dave,

So here’s a strange one for me. It’s unusual to crit a book that’s reached the Ed’s desk, let alone halfway up it. As we both know, the road to get there is long (with many a winding turn) so you’d think that, in that time, your book will have been crit to death.

In theory, then, it should be perfect.

And grammatically, it certainly appears to be. No point commenting about spellings, typos, repeated words, overuse of THAT. No long paragraphs. No exposition through dialogue. No show don’t tell. It isn’t overwritten.

The IS a ‘but’ paragraph though! I’m slowly getting less strict about things like this because nobody else seems to care, BUT I’d think HC could still pay attention to it so if you can word “But what of the other side of the bed?” into something else then it might help stay the course.

That same rule for “But then some of the questions…” in chapter three.

Other than that, grammar is fine, so any comments I make have to be story related, and therefore are probably a bit more personal instinct rather than actual errors. Tweaks and advice.

I had to read the last para of chapter one twice. Reid’s body is on the *left* side of the bed and the *right* side is folded down. What, lengthways? The BED is folded down? Oh wait, it just occurred to me. You mean the sheets are folded in half? As in it looks unslept in?

I thought the bed was literally folded down- like a camper bed- and it didn’t make sense. We don’t tend to use the term “folded down” in the UK so it didn’t come to me naturally. It may be worth a touch of emphasis. “The bed was folded down, sheets tucked in and smooth. Untouched.”

The other part that could really use emphasis is the line “Carter stood by the king-sized bed…” Well not emphasis but I would move it to its own line, rather than the back end of a paragraph. Personally, had this been Affinities, I would have taken the exact same wording and structured it like this:

“I didn’t want to see what Carter had found but at the same time I couldn’t resist. The stairs flew under my feet, two at a time.
At the door of the room, they froze.
Carter stood by the king-sized bed, rigid, transfixed. I followed his gaze to a lump under the covers, on the left hand side. Instinct told me it was time to leave…”

That way there’s much less chance that anyone would miss the important part. Readers (like myself) can sometimes gloss over important information if it’s buried inside a paragraph but they ALWAYS read short, punchy standalone sentences. And when they see that ‘Archa’ has frozen, they’ll sit up and pay attention to the next bit.

So likewise with the folded bed I’d nod that he’s ringing emergency services, because it could read like an hour has passed and he’s gone downstairs to greet them as they arrive.

“Carter gave a wan smile…” Wan?

I don’t know about emphasizing words by putting them in capitals. I know I do it here, but that’s only because I don’t use italics. I genuinely don’t know about it because I’ve never seen it in print. If you have, please carry on using them.

Doesn’t quite scan right:
“He smiled, a smile that failed to reach his bright brown eyes. Then even that was gone.”
I *think* it’s because there are two ‘smile’s and two ‘that’s. Suggestion:
“His broad smile failed to reach his bright brown eyes. Then even that was gone.”

Petty nitpick, I know. Hey it’s all I have to work with!

Thank you for justifying eyeing up other women. I’ll remember that one for personal use.

I’m going to start a thread one day soon asking about transitions. It seems * denotes a change of timeframe within the same scene. *** denotes a change of scene. As for where leaving two lines blank fits in, I’ve no idea. You’ve done in the chapter three so I’m hoping you can enlighten me.

That’s about it for comments. The story is unfolded nicely, very smooth. Reads like something you’d pick up in a bookshop, though that’s hardly surprising for a book in the top five.

Though at this point, I think the spaniel did it.

Chris