The Delusion

Hi Christy

What fun, I've always loved a good conspiracy theory - shelved

In fact this abounds with conspiracy theories and treads the same paths as Dan Brown except you write much better than he does. You write better characters than he does as well, Ray and Cheryl are the kind of people who would get messed up in this sort of thing.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

I found the idea of the multiple conspiracies intriguing when set against the historical backdrop which you have obviously given much research.
Quotes from the Satanic give an authenticity which your premise requires and the premise itself certainly lends itself to the Thriller, promising an increase in tension at every stage of the storyline.
Ray is a memorable character and very well drawn, complementing the storyline as the latter shapes him.
Overall, I found the first chapters engaging and wanted to read on. Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

I think you have a great introduction before chapter one. Having worked for one the biggest UK companies I must say I do think multi-nationals are trying to take over the world. Their influence is enormous and people in power like to stay in power. I can see this has similar concepts to Dan Brown’s books which I read and enjoyed tremendously.
I think this is well written and I like the subject matter so I will back it.

Adrian
Jack and Boots

The Delusion will wow the conspiracy theorists and is presented as 'faction' along the lines of Dan Brown's magnum opus. The pitch spells things out well, and there is certainly plenty of scope for action and adventure. Once I got into C1 though it seemed as though the author was trying too hard to persuade me that the conspiracy was real rather than involving me in a story. The extensive religious and political quotes at the outset turned me off, as I couldn't figure out what they had to do with a work of fiction and certainly didn't grab me and draw me into the story. The Baron's monologue at the secret gathering seemed rather dull to me, and really only a big dollop of backstory interspersed with a few unconvincing cynical thoughts. Things picked up considerably in C2, though, where you seem to relax and start telling me about Ray - now I feel as though this is something I'm going to relate to and enjoy.
Overall I think this has great potential, so I'm happy to back you to put in the hard editorial work to polish it up. I'd suggest starting it at the beginning of C2 with Ray, and weaving the Baron and hos global virtual government into things later as you go along. The editor should also have a close look for awkward/ungrammatical phrases and typos which intrude here and there. All the best with this.

The Delusion.

The novel stands on the richness of its content, the obvious research and the public fascination with conspiracies. A well-written conspiracy novel will usually be successful.

If you were so inclined, you might want to take a second look at the premises of the conspiracy theories, and also think of enriching character study, like what happens between the time an adopted child learns about it real parents and the “wow” to their status.

Your footnotes, I’d say, are just waiting to go into dramatized flashback. The first encounter between father and son offers you the same opportunity.

You could equally well tone down or remove the moral comment in italics, and let the reader discover it.

What about reducing the introductory section just enough to whet the appetite and put the rest at the back of the book?

And I have no doubt that you will find the grammar inconsistencies and typos during your second reading, from your pitch to the end.

Backed for the potential.

Azam Gill
“Blasphemy!”

Hi,
Your pitch needs a bit of revision as it is missing punctuation and the odd word here and there. Those things matter to editors and publishers. Good luck with it!

Hi, Christi - Finally had a chance to read the seven chapters you provide. I would be interested in seeing how this conspiracy yarn develops. You certainly have a decent foundation for a televiion movie, but a little slow in developing your characters. You could also create more interaction between the characters instead of devoting lengthy time to monologues, despite the necessary background. Am I curious? Yes.

Stephan Zimmermann (panaxus)
NO RAPTURE

Sorry Christie,

Just going back through my missing messages and catching up. Thanks for backing my book. Have backed yours because I love well written intrigue and thrillers. You are an accomplished writer. Well done!

I think you have a nice writing style and a good story going here. My only comment would be that you might consider cutting down on the exposition of his character and showing us instead. Having said that, I would add that it is a good MC for this story.

At any rate, well done and backed!

Scary and all too believable. Backed.

Scary and all too beleivable. Backed.

What an intriguing story. Really a great job. Had this on my shelf for a week.
Barbara
the Sea Pillow

A very interesting plot and good charcters make this a story with lots of potential. Conspiracy novels tend to do well and I can see this being very popular.

I feel however that you need to work on the opening of Chapter 1. It is a lot of tell and no action until about the fifth paragraph. I would have the chapter starting with the car headlights and the near-miss scene and feed the details about him in later as short pieces of backstory. Just a suggestion.

Anyway, a good story. I hope it does well.
Tim.

I really like this synopsis a lot. I was confused by the verses from the Bible and the Koran, but the writer was deft enough that I accepted. I especially liked the JFK address. Beware of "telling" versus "showing", a concept that gives me great difficulty. I find it very hard to "show" my characters rather than just telling the reader what I want him/her to know. I think you need to rework Chapter 1 so that there isn't so much text thrown at the reader at once. If this were my book (and I wish it was), I'd begin with "Egyptians intrigued him..."

Elizabeth Gregory
The Horse Warrior

Solid writing and an intriguing plot-line put this one on my shelf.

Suggestion- Your introduction to Chapter one seems to be just that, an introduction, there's no movement in the text and no action or place associated with it. I would suggest building it into the action of your first scene--get the momentum rolling a little faster.

Best of luck.

Strong story, confidently told. Couldn't help but wonder if you should maybe open with 'It was a freezing night..' and introduce the background after that, but that's just a personal point. You have your own style. Backed. Clare (Second Lives)

As they say, the plot thickens. Here it really thickens. A little slow starting. I went to some later chapters and the pacing is much better. Perhaps a little less back story before the auto incident. Nevertheless fun, and shelved.

The history, biblical reference and mystery are extremely fascinating. This makes for a great read, which deserves to be backed.
I did notice some punctuation errors (I had made them myself before an agent skewered me for them - so I'll pass the info along in hopes to save you from that). In dialogue, use a period when an action follows (ex. He turned away). Use a comma when a dialogue tag follows (ex. he said, etc...) I hope that is helpful.
This is a wonderful story, and I wish you the best of luck with it.
Tracy
The Guardians

I enjoyed reading this story. You have written a full, interesting character for Ray. The episode of the car is intriguing and the reference to the fall from the tree is essential to the plot, as are all the threads you have put in the beginning. Just a couple of typos, in fifth para you have written 'cause' - do you mean 'Because' ? In the end para, I dont think you need the word 'In response'. Otherwise well written and backed
Christina
From Under the Bed

Christi - Will the enquiring reader be offered more insight into the makings of a conspiracy? Well done and intriguing! Plan to shelve after this first month is over.

In the interim, would you read my "factual fiction" contribution, NO RAPTURE? Conspiracyy galore in the world of today's Middle East and more ... !

Thanks!

Stephan Z (panaxus)
NO RAPTURE

Religion, Government, and Conspiracy theories - all very heavy subjects - that you pull off well. Bravo!

John Wickey
Future's End

You've tied up so many interesting strands here that there's a lot of depth - the 'Rothman' publishing agency, the meeting in Bohemian Grove (the Bilderberg Group, maybe?) One World government, the Freemasons... all the ingredients are here. I did wonder if you needed the first few paras of your book, as it seems to really take off at the point that they're discussing work inside the publishing house. Also whether the footnotes were necessary. I felt they dragged me out of the text. It's clear from your writing that whatever's happening in Bohemian Grove doesn't bode well. Apart from those little niggles, I have no comments at all. There's a lot of interesting research behind this and I think it taps into the zeitgeist.
All the very best with it,
AnnabelleC
DISAPPEARING OFF THE MAP

There isn't time to read all the (good) books on this site, so I'm reading a few pages (as I believe "readers" do) and basing my comments on whether I'd pass on the book outright or recommend it for further reading and whether I'm intrigued enough that I might buy the book off a bookshelf (or more likely, Amazon). It isn't a perfect system, but no way can I read all the books. I like the concept of this book a lot, enough to back it. The writer has talent and a clever imagination. My only criticism is that she would "show" more than "tell" especially in the first chapter. Let us get to know the main character not through the author's words but rather through his behavior and, even better, his interaction with another character.

This is good. Good hook, good writing and enough reality for those of us who are aware of the Bilderbergers to sign onto right away. I'd say this book if the later chapters hold up could find an audience.

Growltiger

I have enjoyed the read as far as it goes and I will be back to read some more later this week. It is certainly worth backing!

I have really enjoyed the story so far. I look forward to more. Backed.

The Delusion:

Christi, even though this not something I'd normally read I did find it interesting. I'm also so not qualified to critique it except for pointing out the few bits and bobs, below.

…while leaving his the office…/either ‘his’ or ‘the’ office. Also, perhaps of repeating ‘office’ in the following line you could say, As Ray walked into his own?

A wide smile lit up is face. Not sure whose face lit up, Ray’s or Ted’s?

Jack replied and went out of the office./ Jack replied then left?

Cheryl replied and left the office./I’d remove this as we know from the next paragraph she’d left? I think there are too many offices mentioned? Do a check on them, I think you use it about ten times? Very good writing, otherwise, and yu have a good ear for dialogue.

Already backed.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

"This book reminded me of Steve Tee's masterpiece, Hell's Angels, this is not a bad thing, especially if you happen to be Steve Tee."

If only I were Christi; then I and H.A. would be ranked a lot higher!

In light of DZ's comment, I have begun to read The Delusion and will return with comment once I've gotten my teeth into it.

All the best,
Steve.

hi, this sounds like a very long, deep story and I wish I had more time to read more than the first couple of chapters to see how this pans out.

I enjoyed reading and feel your characters are developing nicely.

I am by no means an expert, just a wanna be writer, but one thing I think that would make this even more engaging would be, to show us through the novel that Ray liked action sports, disliked this and that, rather than list them all in the first chapter. I found it hard to connect with Ray due to his laundry list of things he likes and doesn't.

But like I said, that is just my humble opinion.

I backed the book based on the inventive story line and promise that this will do well.

(Nigel Hotton - Fatal Disclosure)

Hi Christi,
The delusion is potentially a nail biting thriller. But to bring the story vividly to the reader's imagination, it needs more telling. I'd be glad to have another look some time. Good luck with this, Jacqui Christensen

Well written, tightly edited with great idea and an intricing plot. I want to read more.

As some feedback, I'd rather see those biblical quotes worked into the text someone, rather than lumped at the beginning. I'd like to be drip fed than have them shoved down me.

Also thanks to our friend Dan Brown, the explanation of the Illuminati doesn't need to be so detailed in your pitch, better to wrap the reader in with some more detail of the intrigue in the book.

Great work!

Tim H
Hellbound

Hi Christy

What fun, I've always loved a good conspiracy theory - shelved

In fact this abounds with conspiracy theories and treads the same paths as Dan Brown except you write much better than he does. You write better characters than he does as well, Ray and Cheryl are the kind of people who would get messed up in this sort of thing.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

A good main character in Ray, and an intriguing storyline which keeps you gripped and interested. You can't go wrong with this. Backed without hesitation. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

It sounds like a very interesting story and I was excited to get into it.

The problem I had was with the very bare writing. It was like reading a list of things he had done or thought, I wasn't there in the moment at all. At times you'd pepper formal-sounding sentences with words like "'specially," and "'cause" and that was jarring. I think much could be improved with a good proofread and edit.

But you've certainly struck on something that catches the interest; I want know what happens.

Best of luck!

Leah Petersen - Mourn the Sun

Absolutely terrific storyline, and also very topical (which well surely go down well with publishers).
Highly intriguing and well-polished too. Superb work. :)

I prefered getting right into the story rather than reading the quotes near the beggining.

Backed.

Lorrii

Hi Christi, Fascinating, Ray and Cheryl delving into Egyptian history, finding symbols and structures of it in modern society. And the society where power is secretly being centralized. I liked Ray’s italicized responses – an informed individual hearing that. This is well-researched and shows how ancient ideas might have been transmitted for good or evil. The relationship holding through the larger events makes it very readable. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

This promises to be a promising read with lots of twists and turns to keep the reader flipping pages. And you know I like stories about Egypt. Well done!
Backing!
Camille Curse of the Golden Fly (a YA fantasy)

Intriguing premise. good style, clear strong voice. You're portrayed Ray well.

Hey Christi,

I haven't been able to read a whole lot of your story just yet, but I think you have a very intriguing idea here. You're also a good writer, which makes the book all the better. I did run across a few troubling spots, but nothing major.

I do have one suggestion for you. In Chapter 2, during the speech, you have a lot of very large paragraphs. These can be intimidating for the reader, and are easy to get lost in. You have frequent lines italicized in between the man's speech, which is neat. What I would suggest is that just before an italicized line you should make a new paragraph, and just following that line, resume his speech in another paragraph. This will not only break up your large paragraphs, but also draw attention and emphasize even more the lines you have in italics.

Now, that's just a suggestion. You're the writer here, you're the mastermind. Take it into consideration, but feel no pressure to do so just because one person said you might want to. :)

Warmest Regards and Well Wishes,
Alexis A. Hunter
(The Five Staffs of Meledari)

Hi Christi. The Delusion. (I am commenting having read all 7 chapters). Conspiracy theories are an ever popular theme for writers...arguably even more so since the Da Vinci Code and Dan Brown's other books. I guess you know that Da Vinci Code comparisons will be inevitable here...Ray Mitchell as Robert Langdon etc. The good news is that your concept/writing both comfortably stand up to the comparison and The Delusion can rightly claim its place among contemporary conspiracy theory thrillers. You have a very interesting premise here...weaving in the Illuminati with the Bilderberg Group, Freemasons and other conspiracies/urban myths (...depending which side of the credulity fence one belongs!) to create an uber-conspiracy or super-conspiracy for our times. Much of the subject matter is, of course, contentious...and it might be worth adding an Author's Note to explain the context behind the story (much as I did with the similarly contentious Love, Gudrun Ensslin). BTW by coincidence a character in one of my other novels (All Things Nice) is called David Rothman!...although I did this as a tribute to one of my favourite writers, Philip Roth. Have you read Roth's 'The Plot Against America' by any chance? It's not a pure conspiracy theory story as such...more alternate reality...but it is both cerebral and entertaining....much like The Delusion! I can also recommend James Ellroy (my actual all-time favourite author). Ellroy's The Cold Six Thousand is a pure conspiracy theory tale...a fantastic exposition of the confluence of FBI, far right and Mob involvement in the assassination of JFK. A peach of a book! Anyway, good luck with yours. ATB Simon (Little Bastard / Love Gudrun Ensslin)

Your pitch caught my eye and the little I was able to read was good enough to get a spot on my shelf. I'll definitely be back for more.

Christi,

It looks like all the hard work is paying off. Superb start to your book and your dialogue is second to none.

Backed with pleasure.

Bob (Auctoratus)

I found the idea of the multiple conspiracies intriguing when set against the historical backdrop which you have obviously given much research.
Quotes from the Satanic give an authenticity which your premise requires and the premise itself certainly lends itself to the Thriller, promising an increase in tension at every stage of the storyline.
Ray is a memorable character and very well drawn, complementing the storyline as the latter shapes him.
Overall, I found the first chapters engaging and wanted to read on. Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Ray Mitchell ... a strange character ... highly intelligent and gifted, but solitary and a heavy drinker. Somehow he is spirited from certain death ... maybe more than once. Politics and religion, or the supernatural, seem entwined in this story of the Illuminati, a body that has been rumoured to exist in a variety of forms, but here takes on a new and exciting aspect.

You have the expertise, the talent and the research, Christi, but at the moment the latter is featuring more than the storytelling. Chapters 2 and 3 are pretty much lectures, and though very interesting, they don't make for a 'thriller'. You need to trust the reader more, to feed the information slowly against a backdrop of action ... make us ask question, speculate, pull our hair out. The pace generated by the events of chapter 1 needs to continue rather than wait in the wings.

I'm backing this for the powerful potential, and would love to return to see it after a bit more editing.

I know it's fiction, but I have the feeling that the Author has an ability to see things that others cannot. This book is excellent and prophetic! Backed!

THE DELUSION:

Christi,

An excellent title that immediately asks questions - a good way to lure the reader into starting to read.

And then you weave your theories into a well constructed thought-provoking thriller. An awesome combination that is bound to have a keen following.

Well done.

Backed - with best wishes, and good luck.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

Enjoyed this. This book really demanded my concentration at the begining, but its worth it.
Enjoyed and backed.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

This is intriguing. I can't wait to see how the parts tie together. Nice work. Glad to shelve it. (Needs just a little more proofing but that's easily remedied.)
Sandy
Orphan and a Half

Hello Christi, I am a fan of Dan Brown and the genre. I found your story to be well written and described and although I haven't read it all, I would like to. But in the meantime, I am backing it. (SHELVED)

Phyllis Burton
A Passing Storm (Perhaps you would like to have a look at this for me please).

Hello Christi, I am a fan of Dan Brown and the genre. I found your story to be well written and described and although I haven't read it all, I would like to. But in the meantime, I am backing it. (SHELVED)

Phyllis Burton
A Passing Storm (Perhaps you would like to have a look at this for me please).

I was impressed by your pitch and have read all the chapters you have uploaded to date. There's a strong story here, very well researched, and you deserve great credit for your work. I felt the opening was slightly "heavy" in tone, but this is a a book which seeks to illustrate points as well as entertain and the pace of the story will necessarily be slightly hampered by the format.
Thoughtful and intelligent, this is an interesting read.
Backed.
Jared.

I might cut out "enveloped" in the first line and just go with "tall trees thick with mist." And are they between the trees or among them. Between sounds like there are only two.
On the whole, though, the writing is clean and smooth, although I do think some of the larger paragraphs could be broken up a bit into small chunks of information.
Worthy of a backing.
--Daniel
Every Atom Belonging

This is a topic that completely interests me as i hate the strength of multi-nationals in our society. It's a thought provoking book and it is well written. I enjoyed my read.
Good luck with it, backed
Chris (inside out)