This Is What You Get

I enjoyed your piece. Until recently, I lived in Southern California. I haven't been directly involved in the music industry, though my good friend and neighbor is so I am somewhat familiar (isn't that so LA - I will refrain from name dropping) but I have worked as a PA on some TV and film productions, so I understand the territory.

Best of luck with your book, which I am backing.

Hi Amy
This story dragged me into it and held me - fantastic - shelved

A story like this hinges on how believable you can make the band. Can you convince us that Niall is a genius? Do the band members stand out as real people living in an unreal world. The answer in your case is a resounding yes. Having just finished reading it's hard to convince myself that you made these people up.

I think the first chapter should be split in two, but apart from that I wouldn't change a word.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

This pulled me in right away, getting me right inside Maggie's head. Interesting premise, sort of behind-the-scenes in the world of fame and fortune.

The only note I have is that near the beginning especially, it feels like you need more contractions. We're in Maggie's head, and I don't know about other people, but I don't think that formally. It feels slightly stiff. Later on, it seems to flow more smoothly.

Definitely interesting, definitely going on my shelf.

R.C. Lewis
(Fingerprints)

Great story...I'm a huge rock fan and love reading stories about Rock bands. This is well written and hooked me straight away...:)

Oh, first person narrative, something I struggle with. But the more I read on the site the more I am warming to it. Maggie has so much that one can relate to. A very human character. Which I think is why she is so likeable. Warts and all. Good luck with this. On my shelf. Connie

Amy
You have captured Maggie's hopes, desires, fears... Niall and Tribe are also very well depicted. Your dialogue is excellent, and I can see this having a wide appeal.
Frank

Chick lit at its best: smart and grown-up, with the classic elements of a main character who undervalues herself, a ratbag ex, and (perhaps most importantly) undeclared love. Your writing is smooth and polished, your details of the music industry convincing and fascinating without being overdone. This is a book that should have appeal way beyond chick lit readers.

She;ved.

Amy, immediately engaging because of the first person narrative. The fact that so much is revealed through dialogue gives a feeling of intimacy. Maggie is an attractive character with an interesting an often amusing tale to tell. Should do very well, not least because of music connection.Shelved.Lynn

Hi Amy,
I got a comment on my first book along the lines of 'I'd back this for the Blade Runner reference alone' and I could say the same with this! But on top of that you've given Maggie a great voice and the band come across as really decent people! The performance at the end of chap 1 is brilliant - real atmosphere to it.
Lovely stuff!
Simon
ps. Niall looks a bit like Thom Yorke, no?!

You have found something that will fit you target audience here! I think that Maggie will be popular with American women. I think that if you want this to move beyond an American audience you might want to do a re-think on some of you English scenes. You also need to think about your use of words, In a number of places you repeat the same word two or more time in a paragraph. But if you work on a couple of those things, I believe you have a winner here.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

I read the first two chapters and liked it. The opening was easy to understand - we can all empathize with the stress. But, I will say that starting with "I" left me a little lost as a reader. I could see the scene but not the person. I have been told that published works don't start with "I" because the reader needs to know more about where they are, who is talking, and why. You've accomplished some of that, but its risky when it comes to an effective hook.

On to chapter 2 - I'm still liking your main character - but the I sleep, I dream -- caused me to skim. I wanted to be shown, not told.

One small typo "keep them from doing stupid thing(s)"

This has a great theme, and sure to play well with the target market. Best of luck

This is chic lit classic - self-obsession, doubts and fears, a crisis of confidence, and the dominance of trivia over every-day existence. It's funny, and well-written, and your passion for rock music provides a wonderful link througout the book. Back with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

This is 100% chick lit, written for women who will eat this genre up. There are witty references, the initial, why me? dilemma, followed with her constant inner monologue about what she is doing. super stuff.
There were some things that I went hmmmm over. The first paragraph is all about streets, and all I, I, I. When you could probably rewrite it to be more accessible. I thought the mention of the street name 410 mentioned twice in two sentences over done. Maybe another way to word this. It wasn't as engaging as the next paragraph for me.
This is not my standard read. I keep my distance from chick lit because I usually don't likee the first person narrative that usually goes along with the story. That being said, this was quirky and wry and enjoyable.
backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

you have hit your market. And another fine cover from Mr Wind. Wonderful work and on my shelf.
Forgive my brevity, I dont know what I could say to improve your work, so the best I have for you is a spot on the shelf.

I like your premise and your have the perfect 'voice' for chick lit fiction.

At time though I got a little lost (and this could be me and this is only what I found as a reader) and felt some of your sentences ran on a little. The one beginning 'If I am not there' in the first paragraph had a few ands within it and could have been split in two maybe. You also mixed this in with some great shorter ones and I believe maybe you need to find a balance. If the sentences get too long, readers could become lost as I did and have to re-read. A helpful tip I have received is to read each sentence out loud and if it runs on then it might be a bit long.

I can see where you were going with the longer sentences, your MC's train of thoughts? A balance of short and slightly longer would help with the flow I think.

Watch too for repeated words in sentences eg the sentence where you repeat forty-five minutes perhaps you could substitute the second one with 'and down to LAX within that time' or something similar.

These are only my observations as a reader and info I have learned here on authonomy and simply my opinion.

All in all I would enjoy this story, love a good romance, especially about an intense rock star.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

This is spot on for your target audience. You have the voice and you nailed it. SHELVED!

I could use your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Love this book. If I say it reminds me of early Jilly Cooper, that's a serious compliment from me. Funny, serious, romantic, passionate, it has everything that its target audience (i.e., me and every other woman) will like. The setting is great, too, L.A., the parties, the English rock stars. You write excellently, your characters, especially Maggie and Niall, of course, are instantly recognisable and interesting, and the story flows at a good pace, the relationship between Niall and Maggie developing in a very satisfying way. I've enjoyed reading this more than any other book on the site, so far. (And some of them were really good.) Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Hi Amy, I always have a soft spot for books about musicians. I was once a music journalist (for my sins) so still hold a torch for the wild boys and the mad lifestyle (though don't miss the late nights and very VERY loud music). You can write really well and Maggie is a good MC.
I noticed you repeated the bits about taking the shuttle and the hotel in the first par - not sure if that was intentional but it read a little oddly. Also, wouldn't an American say 'pissed' rather than 'pissed off'?
My major concern is that you don't set up a conflict in what is a long first chapter... It's interesting but I kept waiting for the 'Oh no!'...... I worry that it might meander a bit which is a concern if you are trying for the chicklit market where there are pretty strict conventions.
Still, I do like your writing a lot and am very happy to back this book which has bags of potential.
Jane
WALKER

Great story..Maggie is so real she draws the reader in.
The rock star world is perfectly convincing...Are you a star?
Congrats and best of luck with it........Mikey the Free

This is a great read. I like the story line. This is what I refer to as a "bubble bath book" just get in a tub of bubbles and read and read. I will put it on my shelf to back. Great book. Best of luck to you.

What a heroine Maggie is eh? Enjoyed the read, post some more please!

Bob x

-This is What You Get-

Your characters are distinctive and well-drawn, esp. Niall's and Maggie's. In fact, I became enthralled with how different they were and how their relationship is developing. Niall is very charismatic, and it's easy to see why Maggie is attracted to him.

I didn't care for the stream-of-consciouness type sentences. I got the feel of what you were trying to express, but a lot of the sentences were simply run-ons (sorry). Instead of adding to the flow of the narrative, I found it slowing me down. I kept trying to organize the sentence to make it more understandable. But, that's just me. I'm big on punctuation!

Overall, I really liked your book, and I would buy it. I really liked the realistic portrayal of human relationships--glad it wasn't over-the-top romantic slush. Good luck with this and on my shelf!

Jan
Fringe of Darkeness

Excellent cover, title and pitch. The opening is very well paced and funny. l like the buying cookies from only one shop, excellent. You get a sense of the fact that PAs need to do just about anything. I also like the part where when one of the band is talking to her they get bored and just move away, hilarious. Very well done. shelved immediately.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Wonderful read. Most women's dreams! Story flowed at a great pace. Great descriptions and wonderful characters. Read chapters 1, 3 and 5.

Backed

Jill

Amy,

This was fun. A great way to spend an evening getting an inside glimpse into everyone's fantasy at one time. I remember being a teenager and devouring every bit of information I could find about my favorite rock band. You hooked into that and made me feel like a teenager again.

Well written and really fun.

On my shelf,

ML

Hi Amy, With your girlish PA, you have written alluring chapters. The anecdotes and the personality of Maggie are very entertaining but what kept me reading was the believableness of the dialogue and the incidents. It's written from knowledge of the area and the people, it feels. Tribe is the problem of the American high school relationship well-put and I like how Maggie understands what falling for Niall includes without brooding on it. Maggie's scheming for Tribe diverges with her character. The rock dialogue is excellent (response to deconstructing their songs) but I liked Maggie's asides, the cartoon sky, and her discussing poetry and songs.
Once in a while, the story digresses too much and although I love the details, they sometimes lag the action.
This is well-done and has charm amidst the tough entertainment scenes. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

A blanket thank you to all the great comments! i am trying to get to each of your books and put them on my watchlist, and then work my way through it all! I love to read and the books on here are incredibly impressive!

HI Amy,

I LOVE Rock stars!! Spotted your book, read the pitch and knew I had to read it. I normally make notes of things I liked so i feel like my comment is useful...but I just read! This is my type of book and I wish I had it now to read.

Loved the bit at the end of chapter one when Maggie cries because she loves the song (and prob Niall!!) - I could so relate to that - saw Bon Jovi sing Alwaya live, I was a wreck.

So backed ;o)

Love Bev x

Love Overboard & Betrayal

Amy

Loved it, the whole concept......I read first two chapters......

I made a few notes:-

I'm pissed off sitting in traffic....(so informal....I'm, not I am, which is what I'd expect......

But, I will, is used so much more that I'll in your narration....The speaking Maggie and the thinking Maggie, need to sound the same......

I shouldn't have taken (is Maggies voice in my view), not, I should not have.... (this is the opening line)

'And I will be drving you all the places you need to go here, and I can get you whatever you want while you're here and that even means McVie's in Santa Monica....' (Read this out loud, it's repetitive)

'I'll be driving you while you're here, and can get you whatever you want, even McVie's in Santa Monica' (this is more Maggie)

I go to a Writers Club, each week we read a chapter of our work to the group.....I loathe it, I sit scribbling away like a demon. Reading out loud highlights the words in dialogue that you dont need.....

It helped me.....

An enjoyable read, hope my comments help......Shelved with pleasure

This really is a fun read! I wouldnt say its my usual genre but what the hell, good is good is good! And I like it! Backed with pleasure!
Simon

This is a really enjoyable read, with loads of potential for fun and frolics, its the type of book I'd buy for a week in the sun. All the very best of luck with it.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

This Is What You Get

Hi Amy,

What a great, character immersion beginning. The internal monologue works well, we are at a moment of change for her and the writing works well at placing in her moments. She is immediately a sympathetic character, pragmatic and humble and I already felt myself rooting for her. There are hints even now that her relationship, in her head, with the band might be more than simply personal assistant. She has a rich and active imagination, a bubbly and unstoppable character. This is great writing for this market, it really brings the issues alive for her and there is that edge of celebrity stuff that we all like to explore, observing the lives of the rich and famous. In a crowded and difficult market I think you might have something very interesting to sell here. Good luck. If you get the time to peek at my book it would be so helpful.

Best wishes
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

thanks for the critique - i will take a closer look at the contractions! and i have already contacted Bradley Wind, thanks to another person here so i hope that will be a positive thing for my book!

I'll stop in to see your book soon. i find myself innundated with books and so many look so very good! but i'm enjoying reading so many well-written novels.
amy

Amy
I'm another girly book writer.....We all nosey into each others pretty quick round here.....

Loved your pitch....You need a better book cover....Contact Bradley Wind, on the site...he does it for free, he's a real honey.....He did mine.....

I had a problem with your MC's narrative voice.....
I will
I am

but you use they're, I'm, I've, in speech,,,,,,,,And sometimes they're & I'm in narration.
Basically her narrative voice and speaking voice need to be consistent.......
she's pissed off sitting in traffic, so I'd opt for the informal tone at all times.....I've, he'd , I'm , I'll

Read your first paragraph out loud and see if this is the voice you want Maggie to have......

Backed for premise.I enjoyed the read......Pop over and see mine....

Amy
I'm another girly book writer.....We all nosey into each others pretty quick round here.....

Loved your pitch....You need a better book cover....Contact Bradley Wind, on the site...he does it for free, he's a real honey.....He did mine.....

I had a problem with your MC's narrative voice.....
I will
I am

but you use they're, I'm, I've, in speech,,,,,,,,And sometimes they're & I'm in narration.
Basically her narrative voice and speaking voice need to be consistent.......
she's pissed off sitting in traffic, so I'd opt for the informal tone at all times.....I've, he'd , I'm , I'll

Read your first paragraph out loud and see if this is the voice you want Maggie to have......

Backed for premise.I enjoyed the read......Pop over and see mine....

Hi Amy, as a fellow 'chick lit' genre author (well, I'm not sure, but, who knows) I love this. There are the usual nits and I'm not one for those, but your MC is just right, and there's a great premise here. I suggest you could shorten the chapters just to make for easier reading on this site. You have a good dialogue and descriptive style and just the right pace for this genre. (AND I love rock and roll, having been in it myself for many year!) My only other suggestion would be to not get into too much details, the pace is fine, but don't weight it down in irrelevance. Shelved, no problem.

Hi Amy!

Okay, this piece of chick lit is just the guilty pleasure I would enjoy! I love that you've written this in the first person - I think it give the reader a good perspective of Maggie and all of her internal thoughts and emotions. Your fluid writing style makes this easy to read, and even more important - entertaining! Lots of layers to this - it's really very good. Let me know if you decide to post more! Backed with pleasure.

Kim
Invisible Justice

Wow, this is intense stuff! i enjoyed this very much and found many good moments in here. On my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Clear, good flowing prose with sharp characterization and realistic dialogue.
Good luck with this Amy.
Backed.

Hi Amy,

I'm here for my return read! I jotted down some notes as a reader, since I don't feel I know enough as a writer to give good advice. These are the things that jumped out at me and interrupted the flow of the story, or bits I really liked. I hope you find these comments helpful.

~ "How do you know where to buy our cookies near the ocean..." - not sure what the ocean has to do with cookies. *grin*

~ "... and it's way way the bloody hell over that mountain?" - two little nitpicks - it took me a moment to realize Niall meant the news stand was over the mountain, and I would suggest using ellipse at the end instead of a question, because the way it reads, it almost sounds like she interrupts him to say the "Hills" bit.

~ Looking at your word count, I get the feeling each chapter is running about 9,000 words - maybe try breaking them up a bit more, and making these two chapters into four. I have no idea if there are industry guidelines on chapter length, but it seems to me that stories with shorter chapters seem pacier (even if you aren't chopping out any words). I think in chapter one, there's a natural break after Maggie pops the gyoza bean in her mouth, but I have no idea what the word count would be at that point. Anyway, just a thought.

Other than that, I love your voice and I think Maggie is a very interesting character - shelved!

~Traci
Tangled Web

This is What You Get

Dear Amy-

I want to read more! I actually lived in Pasadena (Madison just off Del Mar) for about six years back in the nineties! Your opening trip to LAX was grand! I like your main character--nice pacing and voice!

Backing in hopes of more chapters!

Kind Regards,

~Phil
"Emerluvly"

thanks for the suggestion. It was in 3 paragraphs when i pasted it in, but changed to one. Now I put in the double spaces and that works. Glad you enjoyed it, even if it is chick lit! Like most writers, I would wish to transcend one genre.....

Hi Amy,

I would split the longer pitch into smaller paragraphs so it’s easy to read. I’m not really into chick lits but I’ve read a lot of book on this site that’s out of my comfort zone and found them surprisingly intriguing. I thought the first chapter was a bit long but I did find it kept my attention.

I like your writing style; it’s simple and easy to read. Good characterisation and dialogue and the narrative voice felt authentic.

Very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Thanks, John! I will post more chapters - I wasn't sure how all this worked, but I'm getting the lay of the land now.

You know, I never thought this would be my genre, but I adored this. I only wish you'd posted more. I love the "backstage" insider look at this world, and I find myself cheering for a deeper relationship. And it's funny to me how the star struck infatuation seems so, well, grounded and grownup, despite the fact that it is, at this point, more or less a flight of fancy. Well done, you!

John
Blackthorne Faire

You know, I never thought this would be my genre, but I adored this. I only wish you'd posted more. I love the "backstage" insider look at this world, and I find myself cheering for a deeper relationship. And it's funny to me how the star struck infatuation seems so, well, grounded and grownup, despite the fact that it is, at this point, more or less a flight of fancy. Well done, you!

John
Blackthorne Faire

This is well written and absorbing and I have bonded strongly with poor old dog's-body Maggi May. I love it when she shudders at an accident - drives more carefully and say to herself ' then at least my shoe isn't left behind on the floor of a car that can never be repaired.' I so wish her well, and would like to back this book.
BADD

Hi Amy,

I would split the longer pitch into smaller paragraphs so it’s easy to read. I’m not really into chick lits but I’ve read a lot of book on this site that’s out of my comfort zone and found them surprisingly intriguing. I thought the first chapter was a bit long but I did find it kept my attention.

I like your writing style; it’s simple and easy to read. Good characterisation and dialogue and the narrative voice felt authentic.

Very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)