Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 43536
date submitted 01.11.2009
date updated 30.04.2011
genres: Science Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adu...
classification: universal
incomplete

Fingerprints

R.C. Lewis

Fitting in is overrated.

 

Lareina thinks everything happens for a scientific reason. A boy tries to mess with her, she punches him in the nose. Like Newton said--action, reaction.

Her sister Tasmin's hallucinations aren't so easy to understand.

Beside the usual high school drama and not-so-usual complications of a state-run foster home, Lareina tries to keep Tasmin out of the nuthouse. When the girls run from a brutal attack, Tasmin uses a dormant power to cross over to a world they disappeared from as toddlers. Turns out she's not so crazy after all.

Their new home is divided between advanced technology and magic, but even in this world of weird, the twins don't fit the mold. Finding their place proves more complicated--and dangerous--than either expects.

(Complete at 79,000 words, first book of a completed trilogy)

 
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tags

alternate dimension, deafness, magic, orphans, science, self-discovery, technology, teens, twins

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Chapter One

 

        They say don’t shoot the messenger. They never said I couldn’t kill the interpreter.

        The teacher droned on about the socio-political background of the Boston Tea Party. No one took the life out of already-dead people like Mr. Stein did. Instead of admiring his supreme talent, I focused on Evie, the sign language interpreter at the front of the room. My “notes” were a list of points Evie mis-signed, misrepresented, or missed altogether. Tasmin could check them later to make sure the bungled interpreting hadn’t tangled her too much.

        Tasmin glanced over, and I gave a minute facial expression, the slightest squinching of my nose, to indicate Evie was doing semi-okay. Her twitch of an eyebrow in return was code for a sigh. She faced front again to watch the interpreter’s hands fly, for what it was worth. Such tiny changes in expression would have been ambiguous at best to anyone else, but we read each other’s faces perfectly—pretty easy when the face I looked at was my own.

        We were identical in every feature, from the chestnut shade of our hair to the way our second toes were slightly longer than our big toes. Our ears were the only difference. Mine worked flawlessly; Tasmin hadn’t heard anything quieter than a jet engine in sixteen years. So I endured the monotone drawl of Mr. Stein, while she wondered what she was missing.

        As I jotted down that the Whigs called themselves the Sons of Liberty, not the Husbands of Freedom, I noticed my sister was pondering the lecture less idly than usual. Looked like she was distracted by something and trying to compensate by focusing on Evie more intently. Not the first time, but it had been happening more lately, enough to make me curious. No chance to ask about it in the middle of class, though.

        Ten minutes dragged by before the bell rang, mercifully releasing us for lunch. As everyone gathered their things and filed out, Tasmin noticed me glaring after the interpreter.

        Lareina, don’t, she signed. It’s not her fault.

        I slung my backpack over my shoulder, freeing my hands. It’s her job.

        She’s five years out of practice, and she only worked in elementary schools before.

        Yeah, I know, and interpreters don’t grow on trees. What would they do if there were other deaf kids here, though? Make me interpret for you?

        Only if they didn’t realize how much colorful commentary you’d throw in.

        We left the classroom and retrieved our lunches from our lockers. Not like it matters, Tasmin continued. Almost everything Stein says, I can read in the book.

        For history, sure. Other classes aren’t like audiobooks, though.

        So, we work it out, like always.

        We took advantage of the cloudless autumn day, eating our lunches at an out-of-the-way table in the courtyard. Eating outside turned out to be a popular choice, and various cliques staked their territory. Cheerleaders flirted with jocks, drama freaks made every moment look and sound like an audition for Shakespeare, and the in-between “normal” kids laughed and had a good time.

        Not for the first time, I wondered what it would be like to be less serious. Tasmin once asked if I would make more friends if we split up and went to different schools, but I knew it wouldn’t make a difference. She tried a school for the deaf when we were younger, and we both hated it. She hadn't felt challenged enough and missed having me around; I’d been even more closed-off and serious, unable to understand the silliness of the other kids.

        Deep down where I kept secrets even from my sister, I had a gut-feeling there wasn’t time to be silly. I couldn’t pin it down—so annoying—but it was real. Something important lurked at the edge of my awareness, and I wanted to be ready when I figured it out.

        Something else important sat right in front of me. I watched Tasmin nibbling on a carrot stick, still with that ultra-focus going on. No carrot was interesting enough to warrant the attention she gave hers.

        I waved in her line-of-sight. My hand could have been invisible, because she didn’t even twitch. Something was wrong.

        Tapping her knee finally got her attention, and I signed, What’s up with you?

        What do you mean?

        You’re distracted.

        For a moment, it was clear she wanted to say it was nothing. She sighed instead. If I don’t concentrate on what I’m doing, I get distracted by things I see out of the corner of my eye.

        So she concentrated her way out of seeing me wave? Maybe.

        That fantastic peripheral vision of yours has drawbacks?

        Yeah, I guess so.

        She was holding back, I was sure of it, even if her explanation made sense. I knew how visually-oriented she was, how any flash of movement could be like a slammed door to a hearing person. Maybe she was just tuning out the visual noise. As well as I knew my sister, I didn’t entirely understand what it was like to be her, to be deaf in a hearing world. Still, it felt like something more.

        There was no chance to dig into it, because Jonathan Kinsey and his friends were sauntering over. I resisted the urge to groan. When we arrived at the start of the school year over a month ago, Jonathan decided we were interesting. Not a big deal in itself—others found us a novel diversion as well—but these boys were different. My skin went into creepy-crawly mode when they were around.

        “How are you lovely ladies this afternoon?” Jonathan asked, sliding into a seat opposite me and next to Tasmin.

        “We were fine,” I retorted. I was ready to interpret so Tasmin wouldn’t be lost, but she wasn’t looking. Instead, she stared at her lunch more attentively than ever. Weird. Usually I worried she’d be taken by Jonathan’s phony charm.

        “You know, I’ve been thinking—”

        “Oh, your parents signed the waiver?” Snide remarks worked on everyone else who thought identical twins and sign language were novelties. Jonathan and his crew were persistent, though.

        He ignored me, as usual. “If you and Tasmin are identical, why is she deaf?”

        Great, someone declared it Stupid Question Day. “Easy, her deafness isn’t genetic. Most isn’t.”

        “What is it, then?” piped up Ramon, Jonathan’s right-hand crony. “She jam pencils through her eardrums when she was a baby or something?”

        “No, I’m afraid we can’t all be as remedial as you.”

        Ramon also let the insult slide. I doubted he understood it.

        Jonathan kept pushing. “Something had to make her deaf.”

        “Obviously, but we don’t know what, and it doesn’t matter.”

        “She really can’t hear anything, can she?” Jonathan reached over to touch Tasmin’s hair. She was aware enough to bat his hand away, but she didn’t look. So much for the “visual noise” theory.

        “No, she’s been faking it for sixteen years.” Fed up, I stood and took Tasmin’s arm. Let’s go.

        We both gathered our things and left the table to head back into the building. Just as we reached the door, Jonathan cut between us, resting his arms on our shoulders. My instincts said to punch him in the nose, but so far I'd avoided trips to the principal's office at our new school. It’d be nice to keep it that way. I tried walking faster, but he kept up.

        “Come on, Lareina, what do you have against friendly conversation?”

        “Like you give a damn about us.”

        “I’m hurt! I just wanted to know how deaf Tasmin is.”

        “Deaf enough.” We’d arrived at the math classroom. “Are you joining calculus?”

        When Jonathan saw the teacher inside, he smirked and backed off. “Not today. I’ll see you around, ladies.”

        Tasmin finally looked at me after we settled into our seats. What was that all about?

        Typical Jonathan, nosing around. What was with you? I would’ve interpreted if you wanted to participate.

        She shrugged uncomfortably. Wasn’t in the mood for conversation, I guess.

        Another hedging answer. This wasn’t like her—not with me, at least. I made a mental note to keep a closer eye on her. Something was definitely going on.

#

        Last hour of the day was physics, our favorite class, which solidly qualified us as geeks. Mr. Zabriskie was the liveliest teacher in the school. He didn’t lecture—he explored. Class was full of activities, demonstrations, and experiments, everyone posing questions or offering ideas.

        “How are my favorite biological aberrations?” he said when Tasmin and I entered with Evie.

        “Some say twinning may be the norm,” I replied. “Which means the only thing ‘aberrant’ about us is that we both held on more than a few days after the split.”

        “Then welcome to my favorite survivors. Do you intend to argue with everything I say all year? If so, perhaps I should clear my schedule.”

        We smiled for what seemed the first time that day, knowing he was teasing. Mr. Z liked us arguing, because arguing meant questioning and looking for evidence, taking nothing for granted.

        With that in mind, I said, “I don’t know. Are you going to keep fighting my idea of dimensional layers?”

        “Ah, that entertaining essay of yours will prove to be the seed that grows into your Nobel Prize, or the most outlandish piece of science fiction ever written.”

        “Don’t worry, I’ll thank you when I win that Nobel.”

        The hour was spent discussing the properties of electricity, involving everyone getting shocked at least once, but nothing much worse than a carpet-induced static charge. We also had fun playing with a Van de Graaf generator, taking turns having our hair stand on-end.

        After the bell rang to dismiss school for the day, Mr. Z held both of us back, along with Evie to interpret. “I know you’re only juniors, but have you girls started thinking about college?”

        I caught Tasmin’s eye. “You know our situation. The only way we’re likely to go is with scholarships.”

        “Based on your work so far this year, it shouldn’t be a problem. Thought about majors?”

        “We both like science and math, so probably something with those.”

        “If I can be biased and selfish, let me recommend physics. Your dimensional layers theory may be crazy, but it also shows you’ve got a mind that could take you far in that field. And Tasmin, the insightful detail in your lab reports is spectacular. Think about it.”

        We said we would and thanked him before leaving the classroom. Once Evie was on her way, Tasmin smirked.

        Can you imagine, you, a physicist? You’d blow up the planet.

        Give me some credit, I retorted. I’d only blow up the parts I don’t like.

        Leaving what?

        Her teasing was refreshingly normal, and I smiled.

        Okay. Maybe you have a point.

 

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HarperCollins Wrote

‘Fingerprints’ follows the story of twins, Lareina and Tasmin, whose mundane lives in foster care are suddenly changed forever when Tasmin transports them to a different world – the world in which they were originally born.

‘Fingerprints’ is geared towards the YA market. Writing for which, particularly in the fantasy genre, is incredibly competitive; manuscripts must have real stand-out appeal to make any headway. In order to catch the attention of editors (who receive numerous submissions similar to ones such as this) the writing must be of the highest quality and the plot must be original, inspiring and engaging. This novel contains many conventions of the stereotypical YA fantasy novel: twins, foster homes, protagonists who don’t fit in, extreme intelligence and capabilities, and bullying. This is not necessarily a negative point, but playing to numerous clichés could give the impression that this is a novel that has been read before. As such, I was excited to see that one of the characters was to be deaf, and curious to see how this would affect the typical conventions of the novel’s genre. Not only is this different from what is already in the current YA market, it encompasses potential for great characterisation and innovative plot development.

Sadly, I did not feel that this potential was fully reached. Tasmin’s disability is addressed at great length in the first chapter but often feels more like a plot strategy than an integral part of the novel as a whole. I would have thought that if Tasmin had been deaf her whole life Lareina would be used to it and therefore would not be thinking about it quite so much. In many ways, I felt that the originality behind this idea was only half carried through. Tasmin, through her disability (and abilities), is by far the more interesting of the girls. Why then not tell the story from her perspective?

Such a dramatic change may not be something you will consider; however, several smaller edits could be made to build on the strengths of the novel and increase its overall potential. Firstly, the structuring of the action within the novel deserves attention. In the beginning there are many short scenes where a lot of crucial information is given. These scenes turn over so quickly it is difficult to connect with the characters on any more than a superficial level. I would suggest choosing a few pivotal moments to focus on and build the scenes up, developing the characters through natural dialogue and leaking parts of the back story through prose. You might want to focus on the science lesson, one of Ryan’s outbursts at home or the fight with Jonathan.

‘Fingerprints’ finds its stride when the girls are transported to another world. The creation of this world has been well thought out and the potential to develop this vivid backdrop is considerable. I particularly like the interplay between the Tuits and the Teks.

My main concern about the girls’ arrival in the new world is the way that they accept it straightaway: there is little panic or denial, even from Lareina. Even in ‘other world’ fiction the essence of human nature and natural thought-progression needs to be retained in order to allow the reader to identify with the characters. Fundamentally, we need to witness some sort of reaction from the girls other than acceptance, whether it be awe, denial, fear etc.

To conclude, with regard to the contents of this review, I would not say that this submission is of the standard we require for publication. This manuscript requires a heavy edit; I hope that the provided feedback will be of constructive use for this. You do have strong foundations to work with: a vivid world and intriguing heroines. I’d also like to add that your cover is lovely; a fantastic illustration of the novel and its market.

Stark Silvercoin wrote 285 days ago

Fingerprints is such an engaging novel that I feel bad that I’m coming in late to the party as it roars towards the desk. I was expecting a traditional YA experience, but author R.C. Lewis serves up something else entirely. Fingerprints is a YA novel, a sci-fi experience and even has more than a bit of high fantasy. Creating the world where magic and technology mix is an amazing imaginative achievement.

But the funny thing is, even without that very cool world, Fingerprints was being set up to be a good book based on the strength of the characters and their development throughout the story. Lareina and her sister Tasmin are pretty different, but both of them are very realistic. They speak correctly based on their age and circumstances. I really liked Lareina, though I can see some readers thinking that Tasmin is a bit cooler.

Author R.C. Lewis is a master at description. I feel like I was drawn into the state-run foster home where the girls live. But as I was, I was hoping that there would be a better place for Lewis to use her talents with, and when the girls leave for that special place, I was overjoyed. The differences between the real world and their actual home are extreme to say the least.

This is a wonderful tale that will stretch the imagination and delight both YA readers and adults. Any publisher remotely interested in the YA market should sign for the entire trilogy. It’s a book that breaks the mold, and breathes new life into what is fast becoming a bit of a stale genre.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

CMTStibbe wrote 339 days ago

Fingerprints definitely gets the ‘thumbs up’! Great cover and enticing pitch. This book will appeal to a wide audience. It’s unusual, not like anything I have seen on here. Twins, Lareina and Tasmin, once fostered, now live in a group home for children with special needs; a situation many young adults can identify with. But just how different are these twins? Tasmin isn’t sharing – there is something going on. She concentrates hard on her studies perhaps to avoid a deeper struggle. Chapter 3 is a roller-coaster ride that explains the poignant backgrounds of three characters. For those who are adopted, fostered or abandoned, this book doesn’t labor the issue - it enhances it. I gave this book 6 stars because of the originality and skillful layering. The plot is intricate because it deals with two extraordinarily gifted girls. On w/l for now and will be backed when space comes up. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Christian Rogue wrote 344 days ago

My goodness! I've been looking for a good book to read for days and this one took my utterly by surprise. Now, I'm going to have to do something I wasn't planning on doing and finding space on my shelf. Ho-hum!

I would most definitely buy this book in an instant Raina and Taz drew me in from Chapter 1. Twins and one deaf, and Raina is such a toughie and smart mouth. I always liked tough girl protagonists. So thumbs up there. You didn't skip a beat. I have to admit I didn't read this at all critically I was too swept in the story of Taz and Raina.

As soon as we skipped to another dimension which awakened all my fantasy joys- you turned them all on their head! I have never read any fantasy like this. You've created your own dimension with Teks and Tuits and foxes, fleks, crashes, and turtles. Wow. From the start, as a reader I had no idea where you were taking me, but I didn't care as long as we got there. By the end of chapter 12, I still don't know where your taking me, but it sure is fun and I wish there was more, more, more!

I have no doubt of your success with this. Thanks for sharing it! I've still so much to learn myself. So backed, starred, and treasured as one of my fave fantasies on Authonomy.

-Christian Rogue (wings of the Heart)

Thetinman wrote 713 days ago

Well, I am disappointed. I laughed at a number of your witty phrases, such as, “No one took the life out of already-dead people like Mr. Stein did.” Your wordplay on the signs Evie missed was just as funny.
Enjoyed the banter with Mr. Z, and it helped that I enjoyed physics myself. Still haven’t found anything to complain about though. Am slightly more peeved. But I do have to wonder -how in the world does a deaf person talk complex math? I’ve been in deaf meetings, and usually the subject matter is simplified. Some information was simply ignored. Hum…

Ok, Tasmin writes in plain, perfect English (on the chalkboard). It’s very rare for deaf people to write like normal, as most deaf people don’t read our type of books and have serious problems with regular sentence structure. Perhaps you’re trying to keep it simple but I’m a stickler for accuracy. Your dialogue is darned good though. I’m jealous at its realism.

Chapter 2 was electrifying. Damn. Talk about showing and not telling.

Chapter 3. Hum. MY biggest problem with fantasy is the classic, ridiculous amazon super power woman from ________ with the magical sword. Arghhhhh. Nobody writes Lord of the Rings anymore – the type of fantasy that starts very real and sneaks in, grabbing you before your realize it, and leading you, like a snagged fish, into the unavoidable world where you will eventually believe anything because the writing is so darn good. Nobody that is, until now.

I have to say that out of all the books I’ve read in authonomy, yours is by far the very best. WOW. It was excellent. Please pursue other publishing avenues, and tell me when it’s published. I will definitely buy it.
Paul
We’ve Seen the Enemy

baughmama wrote 203 days ago

I really enjoyed your first chapter. Sorry it took me so long to get to it. I don't think I found any typos or anything. It was fun to read and good for your target audience. I liked the charachters. The only thing that confused me was when the twins spoke to one another. Are they telepathic? I would assume so, but you know what they say about assuming. ;) I hope to finish reading it asap, but I do have a long list. I just read what HarperCollins wrote. Sorry they didn't choose you. Better luck next go round. You know what they say, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!" I think you've got the stuff :)

All the best,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope

rainesgran wrote 216 days ago

When will it be published so I can get a copy for my granddaughter? Will you be completing it soon? Loved it so far!

Julian Wright wrote 265 days ago

Intriguing writing. I can definitely see young adults identifying with the characters and events. Well done.
Perhaps you might have the time to read a chapter of my offering too. Lots of challenging social comment in that as well.
Julian Wright
Unplugged Earthlings

StaKC wrote 282 days ago

Dang, I had every intention of backing this, but you got to the desk before I got my shelf cleared. Glad to see you didn't need my help. Great writing, especially the dialogue, which a lot of people seem to have trouble with. Good story to go along with it, and awsome charactarization. Congrats on making it to the desk, and good luck.

aurorawatcher wrote 283 days ago

Wow! Very well done! I like strong female characters anyway and having a teenager has reignited my own interest in YA. And, the subject! Deafness. foster homes and alternative worlds? There's a lot going on there, but you started wonderfully. Congratulations on making the Desk! You deserve it!

Stark Silvercoin wrote 285 days ago

Fingerprints is such an engaging novel that I feel bad that I’m coming in late to the party as it roars towards the desk. I was expecting a traditional YA experience, but author R.C. Lewis serves up something else entirely. Fingerprints is a YA novel, a sci-fi experience and even has more than a bit of high fantasy. Creating the world where magic and technology mix is an amazing imaginative achievement.

But the funny thing is, even without that very cool world, Fingerprints was being set up to be a good book based on the strength of the characters and their development throughout the story. Lareina and her sister Tasmin are pretty different, but both of them are very realistic. They speak correctly based on their age and circumstances. I really liked Lareina, though I can see some readers thinking that Tasmin is a bit cooler.

Author R.C. Lewis is a master at description. I feel like I was drawn into the state-run foster home where the girls live. But as I was, I was hoping that there would be a better place for Lewis to use her talents with, and when the girls leave for that special place, I was overjoyed. The differences between the real world and their actual home are extreme to say the least.

This is a wonderful tale that will stretch the imagination and delight both YA readers and adults. Any publisher remotely interested in the YA market should sign for the entire trilogy. It’s a book that breaks the mold, and breathes new life into what is fast becoming a bit of a stale genre.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

ksalavarria wrote 285 days ago

I love it so far! The plot is fascinating and the romance between the characters is fun to read. I definitely see why it's so far up in rank! Can't wait to read more!

Katherine

Katherine Edwards wrote 286 days ago

I thought I'd drop into this work, read a bit and see how it went, but once I started I couldn't stop. What a great premise. I love your twins and their Tuit/Tec world. The narrator is great, humorous and spunky. It's a rollicking ride throughout, the pace never flags for an instant. I commend you on this. The best of luck, you deserve to go far with this! Katherine (Strata)

SarahEWhite wrote 286 days ago

I started reading and I can't stop. It's so captivating.

I love the anchor you set in the real world before they skim to the other world, and the Tek v. Tuit mythos is so concrete. You masterfully reveal parts of each sect piece by piece, and I can't wait to finish.

I just read Chap 10 though, and I was wondering about Raina's comment about her "babysitting experience." If she and Taz grew up in foster homes, would she have had the opportunity to babysit?

I'm looking forward to the rest of this book and (eventually) the rest of the trilogy!

Sue50 wrote 287 days ago

Fingerprints was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. I read the first 3 chapters and must say this is wonderful! Happy to BACK you.
Sue50

Robin Pearson wrote 288 days ago

This is terrific stuff.

A gentle introduction through the first three chapters leaves the reader knowing only enough about the mysterious yet charming sisters to want (or rather need!) to know more. The tension is also a slow and steady builder and having gradually picked up the pace, leaves me now by the river, tense and with a knot in my stomach, feeling dread for the girls' return to their hectic group home, and fear for their continued persecution by the predatory boys.

Backed with pleasure. Hope this makes the desk of desks!

Robin

RottenRotty wrote 288 days ago

Love what I have read so far! Why aren't you no. 1 ? You should be! I hope you are published very soon as you should be.~Heather

PCreturned wrote 290 days ago

Hi,

I was just wandering round the charts and I realised I've never actually read your book. I'm here to rectify that right now. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track.

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1: Great start. We're straight into Laureina and Tasmin's world. I can almost feel the boredom of this lesson seeping through the screen to me ;). I like that you make it clear how close the sisters are without need for any clunky exposition. They almost seem to share thoughts. Weird that 1 of them should be deaf. I think that sets up an interesting dynamic between the 2 of them, and could lead to real tension.

I like the girls' attitude too. They're sparky and full of life. I can see kids wanting to follow their adventures. Ominous hint early on there isn't "time to be silly". I shivered when I read that. Something bad's coming, I think. And Tasmin seems to be ignoring Lareina for some reason. Suspicious...

Great dialogue with Jonathan. Lareina really tears him apart, doesn't she? I had to struggle not to laugh aloud. No wonder she eventually gets pissed off with his stupidity, though. I'd have been tempted to punch him. More hints something's going on with Tasmin. I've got to read on and find out what's up. ;)

Mr Z seems fun. Unsurprisingly, the twins seem to like him. I think I would too. Ah there's a hint the twins' family doesn't have much money. Shame. They seem full of potential. I think it'd be tragic if they didn't get the chance to experience college:(. Yeah they're bright enough to get scholarships, but I doubt everything will be plain sailing in this story. ;)

chapter 2: These twins are unusual, I think. They don't fit the girly girl stereotype at all. They're best at subjects normally dominated by boys + they love soccer too. good for them. I can see girls reading this story would cheer them on :). I wonder why Tasmin withdraws a bit from the soccer she plainly loves. Hmmm is this another hint something odd is going on?

Uh oh seems bad boy Johnathan's interested in Tasmin. That's not good. Oh and the twins are in a group home. Poor kids. I feel sorry for them now :(. At least there's some good news here. Sounds like Tasmin rebuffed Jonathan pretty thoroughly.

wow Pauline’s a pompous idiot, isn’t she? I'm on lareina's side here with the attitude. The cow deserved it ;). More news on the grim past the twins have had. Shocking that they had to report somebody for abusing a girl. Good for them that they turned the scumbag in. Shows these 2 do the right thing even when it's difficult. A rare quality at their age :). Lots of the kids seem messed up at the home. No wonder after what they've all been through. Poor kids. :(

I like the fact you show us Quoy's nastiness offstage. Our imagination makes his actions so much worse as we don't see him committing them. I wonder if Ryan's hiding some secret. Lareina seems to see something in him at the end of the chapter.

Chapter 3: I see now why Lareina enjoys soccer so much. After the misery of the home, this would be the perfect escape. Hmmm where does Tasmin disappear to, though? I hope she's OK. Uh oh, some boys have got her down on the ground and it looks like they're trying to do the unthinkable. Lareina does her best to help, but it only makes things worse. Now both twins are at risk.

Oh ho what's this weird sensation Lareina gets, though? It's like there's an electricity generator inside her. She hurts Jonathan. Good. Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving kid ;). Then the twins make a run for it and ... phew they get away with Alec's help. ;)

No wonder Tasmin needs time to calm down and get herself together. All things considered, I think she's taking the horrific experience remarkably well. Hmmm an intriguing mystery about the twins past comes out in the dialogue with Alec. They were found abandoned in a park. They don't even know their real names or birthdays. I'm feeling sorrier for these 2 all the time :(. I think the dialogue between Lareina and Alec's v good. It flows well and sounds like the way kids speak. And you pass on plenty of information without it feeling like you've crowbarred it in. Cleverly done; ). By the end of the chapter, Tasmin seems calm and they’re off back to the home.

Chapter 4: Back in the home, and Pauline's still being a pompous, patronising cow. Hmmm I found it suspicious Tamsin was steadier after going to the bathroom. Is she taking something in secret? No surprise she wants to keep the event secret from Pauline et al. though. Things could get really messed up if psychiatrists/social services got involved.

Ahhh interesting revelation about Tasmin. She sees things that aren't there. That must be why she's seemed so distracted lately. I can see why she didn't tell her sister. Who could say such things to anybody without sounding bonkers? It's starting to look like the twins both have special powers to me. I don't think they're mad at all. ;)

The next week at school's almost too normal. Why do I get the feeling this is the calm before the storm? Uh oh, I was right. Jonathan and 5 other boys corner them at the river. What can the twins do to escape this?! Hmmm seems like Lareina manages to use her electricity power again, and then they both flee. Looks like Tasmin's leading them somewhere. She must be able to see something that isn’t there. At the end of the chapter they jump out over the river. But... they don't land in the water. Weird. What on Earth's going on here? ;)

Chapter 5: Wow everything's changed. They're in a strange new place. The moon's all weird. They must be in a different world/realm! And the boy they meet's a telepath. Cool. That'll be wonderful for Tasmin. At last, she’ll be able to communicate freely with others. Hmmm and there's a term for what Tasmin can do. She's a skimmer. Ah and it seems the twins are in a different dimension rather than a different world. Hmmm teks and tuits. Interesting classifications. I like that you seem to be mixing magic and science. Interesting. Usually, we just get 1 or the other in fantasy books.

There are deeper mysteries here. Skimming from The Dol's supposed to be impossible. So how'd the twins manage it? I wonder if this is tied up with their mysterious background. Could they have been born in another dimension, perhaps?

I like the fact the city seems to be divided into a science part and a magic part. The image is striking. I can really picture it. Surprisingly, there doesn't seem to be friction between the 2 sides, although teks and tuits seem to gravitate to their own kind. Aha looks like another suspicion of mine was right. At the end of the chapter, the twins are welcomed home. ;)

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. Sorry, I think I got carried away by your story :). I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with mystery and tension. The twins are great characters, both clearly drawn and filled with attitude. And the dialogue with Lareina and the other kids feels so right, just like the way kids talk. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension in your story by releasing information, little be little. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store. What new discoveries will the twins make in this new dimension? Will they learn to control their powers? And, most important of all, are their parents still alive?

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I would love to see this published. I think there's a real audience out there for your work. :)

Good luck,

Pete





D. L. Crosley wrote 290 days ago

Very good dialogue. At first, I thought 16 year old girls would not converse with such maturity, but these are not your average 16 year old girls. They come from another world, much more advanced, and that explained it.

The world of the deaf is very different from ours, and I also thought that Taz was too exceptional in her dialogue, not following realistic patterns of the deaf culture in our world, but again, where the girls come from is a world evolved with unique communication characteristics and that explained it.

For a realist like me, I like that the fantasy/sci-fi portion explains away the world I live in and my concepts of what "it should really be like".

Your characters are NOT of this world and do not conform to it. Once readers "get there", we can let sci-fi take over, where nothing is as it should be, and relax and enjoy the story.

I have read the first 20 chapters and hope I see a little more of the world the girls left behind. I understand the foster care system left little room for homesickness and probably explains their ability to begin new relationships so quickly and let past ones go, but I am thinking we will see some future connection between their worlds (maybe I was the one who got homesick? if so, good writing!!!).

ksalavarria wrote 292 days ago

I've read the first few chapters! I'm intrigued! I will be reading more :)

Katherine

CarolinaAl wrote 292 days ago

I read your first two chapters three weeks ago. I read your next three today.

General comments: Captivating chapters. Well-fleshed out, interesting main characters. Awesome world building. Good descriptions. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) ' ... our first after losing the first two games of the season.' Two 'firsts' in one sentence is one too many. Consider substituting 'only' for the first 'first.'
2) " ... they were afraid our 'social and emotional development' would suffer.'" Remove the single quote mark after 'suffer.'

Specific comment on the fourth chapter:
1) Great end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after that sentence?

Specific comments on the fifth chapter:
1) "You know, the one that perceive various dimensions ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
2) Another fabulous end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique helps you further polish these chapters. The HC editors will only be reading your first 10,000 words, but you'll want those words as polished as possible before the end of the month.

Have a fabulous day.

Al

RebeccaT wrote 295 days ago

I'll skip the bull-shit and recommend that when the girls are "conversing" in sign-language that you use New Times Roman, as the italics show up better and I would add INVERTED COMMAS FOR CLARITY as in normal speach.

You might find an agent for this if you look up YA agents or childrens publishers, as all you are going to get here is a self-publishing contract, one where you pay and not the publisher.

Best of luck with this.

djinnia wrote 298 days ago

Chapter Seven

I’d grown up in – maybe take out in
Torture session, though, -- =D attack of the filler word ;-)
After a week, I accepted – is this the same week as the top paragraph?
Still, every night when I went; every night before I drifted – repetitive
Tuits were really helping tamsin – maybe take out really
Stop me from worrying, or from feeling – maybe: stop me from worrying or feeling
Loneliness every night that forced – maybe take out every night
Migraine machine – made me lol!
Nice use of slang. Easy to remember but different from “normal”.

As a general nitpick, there seems to be a little bit more passive verb usage in this chapter; hads and I’d. again I could be just overly picky.

I liked this chapter. it’s interesting to see a day-in-the-life. I like how people get their surnames. Will you have a list of them and of the world names? Maybe even of the slang if you have a lot of it.

Chapter Eight

Payto’s paying her a lot of attention. Maybe family????
First day of school was. – maybe rewrite take was off the end of sentence.
We went through a difficult time. – duh duh dun! And there’s the other shoe.
Mag-lev = magnetic levitation???
OOOOOO!!!! Sams – cue the dramatic music!

Wow! This chapter was excellent. I’m happy that she heard from her sis. Now the reader has an inkling of what happened to them. Verra, verra interestin’

me

djinnia wrote 299 days ago

Chapter Six

Definitely sense you disappearing – sense is a little confusing here. She’s reading her now and talking about the past. at first, I thought you had the wrong tense, but then i realized what you were doing.
She does – sense the past. – maybe senses the past.
You returned, and from where. – I don’t know if it’s the comma or not, but the sentence feels a little off to me. It could be just me, though. =D
They’ll help me feel like I’m not losing – a little awkward.

Interesting chapter. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. All this perfect harmony stuff has got to have a dark side somewhere. I just can’t figure out what. Of course, I could be reading it completely wrong. Hmm . . .

me

Emily Rebecca wrote 301 days ago

I am about halfway through this book and I'm loving it! It is well polished writing with very few errors. The characters are well realized and the plot is wonderfully unique. Usually I try to leave some constructive criticism, but I've got nothing for FINGERPRINTS.
I wish you the very best and plan to buy a copy when it gets published.
Emily

NoShoes wrote 301 days ago

Thanks for posting more chapters. Great read!

djinnia wrote 301 days ago

Chapter Four

We were usually quiet at mealtimes – sentence a little awkward
I see things – very interesting and intriguing. It’s as if tamsin is seeing layers of reality or something.
Jonathan needs an attitude adjustment with a sledgehammer.
Running down the river would – the sentence is structurally unsound

This chapter is so action packed. The cliffhanger is excellently done. I love how you give us all that teaser information but still leaves in the dark.

Chapter Five

Funky Cool!!!! This is so freaking neat!
Nothing resembling cars, though – you know =D
Blurry light around me – this is a little vague. Does it move, shimmer, streak? Is it like the transporters of star trek? I found myself wanting to know what color/colors it was and if it sparkled or swirled and such.
Curls and braids, and wore – take comma out. There isn’t another noun to make it a separate sentence. How does she know this is typical garb?
Had short hair, steel gray, -- maybe shift steel gray before hair -- had short, steel gray hair and wore . . .

This chapter was terrific!

all and all these two chapters are fantastic and a visual feast.

me

K A Smith wrote 302 days ago

Thank you Rachel. The extra chapters are just as good as the first ones. If it wasn't already on my shelf it would be.

Paul T. Hughes wrote 303 days ago

Still enjoying Fingerprints after the first five chapters. However, I was lost a little on the description of the new society that the two sisters find themselves in. A couple of times you state as part of the description that it was definitely something that she couldn't have dreamed up. It was as though it was beyond description and so not enough detail was given.
Just an opinion but I still think it's great so far and will continue to back it.
Paul T. Hughes

elmo2 wrote 303 days ago

i read the first four some entries in your work. it is very straight forward, which is a welcome thing, given that a lot of writers like to be not so. i sense a need to bring the science world and empathetic world together in this piece and i suspect that is what you will do, given your background i am interested in your take on it. i think also readers will be looking to see how you do this. i think your entry into this dimensional reality may be too contrived, would have liked your characters to be more aware of a multi dimensional world before they made the jump across the river, but then again it might fit the reader you have targeted the way you have introduced it. i have a piece on here called "ghost story', if you have a chance i would appreciate you taking a look at it.

Maiya419 wrote 305 days ago

ooo definitely my genre! watchlisted and I'll read it soon!

Maiya!

psyexmachina wrote 305 days ago

Authentic dialogue and good pitch. Fresh concept. I'm enjoying your character development. More, please?

NoShoes wrote 307 days ago

I'm really enjoying "Fingerprints". You've built an excellent plot with two strong, smart protagonists and you did a great job of laying hints in the early chapters that made me want to keep going. It was hard to break myself away at the end of Chapter 3, but work calls.

I did get confused about something in Chapter 3, probably because I missed a point somewhere. I gather that the twins will be emancipated when they turn 18, and Lareina says no-one knows exactly when they were born. But in the "How long is it for you?" conversation, the "closer to two" comment seems to imply that
she knows her birthdate. Am I missing something there?

lesconnr wrote 307 days ago

please please, please let it be published, I want to finish it!!!

nuknuk wrote 307 days ago

Your pitch drew me in and i'm glad it did. It was a great read and I hope it goes far.
Leslie
"Love has no borders"

Rudi James wrote 307 days ago

The first chapter pulled me in and there was great dialogue and character interaction. By the end of the third chapter I was beginning to wonder where the story was going. The interaction and dialogue was still there but was, in my view, without real purpose. It just goes to show that it always pays to read a bit further on if you've been initially hooked. I carried on and was pleasantly surprised. In chapter four it began to take on some real direction. This should go far and I'm still reading it, although it's on my watch list at the moment.

RJ

djinnia wrote 307 days ago

Chapter One
I’ll see you around, though, ladies.” Maybe take out though.

You’d blow up the planet – highly amusing.

As you can see I only have one very minor suggestion. The creep factor for jonathan had my skin crawling after about two sentences. Well done there. I’m intrigued as to what’s happening with tasmin.

Chapter Two
When we had to change schools, though, -- take out though.

Interesting. I’m wondering what happened to the parents? The subtle cliffhangers for information are making want to read more to find out what’s going to happen.

Chapter Three
Everyone’s bedtime. “definitely next time, though.” -- take out though. I think there’s a running theme here. =D
Those s.o.b.s! argh!
OOO! Curiouser and curiouser! The mysteriously found children. My imagination is whirling.

This is was a teaser chapter! give us a little information, but tease us by not giving us more answers and leaving us with questions! I hope jonathan ends up in a dark hole with very nasty creatures.

will come back for next chapter later.

ReneeM wrote 308 days ago

As a rule, so I don't get bogged down, I usually read just three or four chapters of a book on here. I've read to chapter 8 without stopping. My daughter was born hearing impaired, so that drew me in immediately. She has some hearing and with her aids she does well and reads lips rather than signing, but the way you've characterized Taz's experiences, and even the way people around her act are very realistic. My daughter speaks very well, but when kids realize she has hearing aids, she gets those "What happened?" questions. I laughed at the line in the first or second chapter where a kid said something had to cause her to be deaf. I get that from adults all the time.

Anyway, I have no critiques of this. I didn't stop long enough to even notice anything if it was there. Awesome. Just awesome. I'd buy this book in a heartbeat. Well done.

Paul T. wrote 309 days ago

I remembering backing 'Fingerprints' a long time back. Seeing it on the desk, i decided to re-visit, and it's still just as good! On my shelf to get you through the month.

amadeusbach wrote 310 days ago

Excellent opening line. Original subject. I'm currently glancing at some of the top-rated books on here, usually just the first few chapters, to see if they deserve it. This is brilliant; well written and worthy of its high ranking. I'm new here, and I'm just learning how the system works. If I had a high enough TS rating for it to matter, I would back this. But I don't, unfortunately. So I'll just say that I'll read more when I can. Congratulations and good luck.

JD Regan wrote 310 days ago

So far I have only read three chapters and whilst I have a dictionary and thesaurus at my disposal the only words I can think of are ... 'Oh wow!'. Pathetic right. That is, completely, your fault. Right from the first word you draw the reader into the story. I love the fact that you have such opposing twins yet you bring in the closeness. And the sassiness, love it!!!!! Lareina definitely gets my thumbs up and I like Tamsin too. Although you connect more with Lareina as she is more of the protagist, you still connect to Tamsin just as easily and as closely. The subject matter is a difficult one to approach but you handle it with poise and respect. I admire you for writing this and I would love to see it in print. It gets my complete approval. I will definitely finish this one.

abuzzinid wrote 310 days ago

The emotion you protray with the main characters snagged me immediately. Their situation is dismal, but they are not. The humor and Lareina's use of sarcasm are well drawn to illustrate their reactions to their world.

Transitioning to the new world is brilliantly paralled to changing schools and other situations from their previous world.

Your ability to show the reader the world of the twins makes me hope you fiond a publisher soon--I wnat to read the rest!

Plain Jane wrote 311 days ago

I don't like Sci-Fi. And yet, I like your book.

When reading YA I look for three things:
1. realistic dialogue
2. believeable characters
3. unique plot.

You have all three, if you are wondering where I am going with this. I've seen all the threads in the forum promoting this, so I thought I would swing by. You've created a whole other world with Tek, Tuit, Skimmers and The THresh. You made it engaging. I really think the relationships between the characters kept me reading.

I am so bloody sick and tired of vampires and werewolves and romance of the two with some snivelling human. This was, if nothing else, refreshing to read. I hear the twins thing is overdone, wondering what you think about that? In my opinion, this is pulled off expertly.

I stopped at chapter nine, lack of time, you see.

I wish you the best of luck with this and will be placing it on my shelf shortly.

Janie Loveless - White Trash

CarolinaAl wrote 312 days ago

I read your first two chapters.

General comments: An engaging start. An interesting main character. I'd like to see more of Lareina's emotional reactions. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) Start a new paragraph with the sentence that begins 'She was aware enough to bat his hand ... ' Each time you shift focus to a different character, start a new paragraph.
2) 'Fed up, I stood and took Tasmin's arm.' 'Fed up' is telling. How does 'fed up' manifest in Lareina? Consider showing this important emotion so the reader can experience it along with Lareina. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
3) After Lareina and Tasmin walk away from Jonathan, he follows them and tries to restart the conversation. How does Lareina react emotionally to his attempt to restart the conversation?
4) When Mr. Z mentions Lareina's essay and the Nobel Prize, what is Lareina's emotional reaction?
5) When Mr. Z says college scholarships shouldn't be a problem, what is Lareina's emotional reaction?

Specific comments on chapter two:
1) In the first paragraph, Lareina makes a soccer goal in practice, yet she had no emotion about doing so. As written, she come across as indifferent about making the goal. Is this what you intended?
2) When Pauline reprimands the girls for being late, how does Lareina react emotionally? As written, you give us Lareina's thoughts, but no emotions. As a result, she come across as emotionally numb in this exchange. Is that what you intended?
3) ' ... as well as the one person other than Tasmin that I consistently got along with.' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects.' Use 'who' for people.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a stellar day.

Al

G.W wrote 315 days ago

I'm not exactly much of a bookworm, but this has snagged my interest! I like how the twins communicate with each other through the code of facial expressions or sign language. Very nicely done and good luck!
Gillian W
Disease
Black Fire: Rise of the Tyrant

Shieldmaiden wrote 316 days ago

This is a wonderful book. I am very impressed--I couldn't stop for the first six chapters. Rare for me. You make it all feel very real with the scientific, logical tone to the way Laraina tells the story. I love her character. Every thing is filled with emotion, the setting is so simple and easy to step into. It's like your hearing the story of the girl sitting at the next desk. Nice. Good work! Backing.

--Shieldmaiden

klouholmes wrote 317 days ago

Hi R. C., I enjoyed reading on and thought the section where Willet appeared was written with clarity and introduced the different types of travelers well, keeping the POV strong. There's a sense of setting here that makes it compelling to follow the girls into the new landscape. Good luck next month! Shelved - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

Penny Leigh wrote 318 days ago

I really liked this. This drew me in from the beginning and I couldn't put it down until the last chapter. I thought about the deaf world and how it related to people that I knew. I loved how the twins are willing to go to the extra mile for the other. Taz is amazing. Well done and 'thumbs up!'

Penny
The Glass Serpent

Justis Call wrote 321 days ago

The opening two sentences are classic: "They say don't kill the messenger. They never said I couldn't kill the messenger." Terrific! Further on, the youthful banter is right on - stirring up memories of high school. Love the characters thus far, the play on words is attractive, the entire story seems very worthwhile. On my shelf with high star rating!

Justis Call
Snow Bound
Prestidigitations

Frank James wrote 322 days ago

Hi R.C,

I like your work and have no hesitation in BACKING it and STARRING it. Good luck for the future.

Frank James (The Contractor)

JonathanWoodward wrote 322 days ago

I was able to get a couple chapters in before the chapter links would not reveal the chapters anymore. Perhaps you were updating your chapters, or editing them and I was locked out of viewing them. I did want to read the third chapter, so I will likely return for that. This, however, does not prevent me from making a comment about the book with confidence of my evaluation. There is no doubt that it is written well. How can one not be drawn in to this book after reading the opening sentences, and the following paragraphs. This is brilliant how you began the book. The character development, even in just the first two chapters, was great. There wasn't enough time for much development to happen, but in these two chapters you leave your readers in anticipation of wanting to know what happens with Tasmin and why she's so focused on things—or is the better word "distracted"?

The dialog is fantastic, as I felt as though I was eve's dropping in on someone's conversation. You do this well without taking too much time detailing the scenery. Usually authors will detail much of the scenery and sacrifice the dialog, or too much dialog and sacrifice the scenery. You, however, are able to portray a dialog that does neither of the two, but instead provide your readers with an opportunity to sneak into the lives of these two sisters and listen and watch for ourselves. Great work, and I'll be back to read more!

I feel confident giving this a high rating from the little I have read.

—Jonathan, THINC About It: Attending to Christ in Scripture.

JonathanWoodward wrote 322 days ago

I was able to get a couple chapters in before the chapter links would not reveal the chapters anymore. Perhaps you were updating your chapters, or editing them and I was locked out of viewing them. I did want to read the third chapter, so I will likely return for that. This, however, does not prevent me from making a comment about the book with confidence of my evaluation. There is no doubt that it is written well. How can one not be drawn in to this book after reading the opening sentences, and the following paragraphs. This is brilliant how you began the book. The character development, even in just the first two chapters, was great. There wasn't enough time for much development to happen, but in these two chapters you leave your readers in anticipation of wanting to know what happens with Tasmin and why she's so focused on things—or is the better word "distracted"?

The dialog is fantastic, as I felt as though I was eve's dropping in on someone's conversation. You do this well without taking too much time detailing the scenery. Usually authors will detail much of the scenery and sacrifice the dialog, or too much dialog and sacrifice the scenery. You, however, are able to portray a dialog that does neither of the two, but instead provide your readers with an opportunity to sneak into the lives of these two sisters and listen and watch for ourselves. Great work, and I'll be back to read more!

I feel confident giving this a high rating from the little I have read.

—Jonathan, THINC About It: Attending to Christ in Scripture.

curiousturtle wrote 322 days ago

Adorable Rachel,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Here we have a cosmic girl throwing opinions confetti like, creating a world full of idiosyncrasies that train the reader on the;

I do this...I do that....I think this....I think that

that post modern writers like F Wallace/Safran/Bolanos/Eggers first introduced us to.

And so what makes this narrative work is not the plot but the emotional map of your characters for;

...their reactions to the world....

....is the plot...

That creates a hire wire act. For, if it is the idiosyncrasies what creates the attachment of the reader....

..... then you have to keep throwing the confetti around.....

....and that you do.....85% of the time.....

.......to be exact...lol

.....creating characters whose "terms of endearment'

......become stuck in the reader's mind....

......the way gum gets stuck on a wall.....lol


Some of my favorites:

"drama freaks...."
I like this paragraph for, there are 2 way of describing
a) one image at a time, and
b) toss them all at once and leave a scramble on the reader's head.
I am partial to b)
why?
because with b) the emotional hurly burly get registered as well.

"My skin went into ....'
you are at your best when you describe idiosyncratically

"arguing meant questioning...."
you are missing an opportunity here to do what Beckett excelled at, that is stretch word play until the soliloquy acquires an absurd tone

for ex: "arguing meant questioning, questioning and intruding, looking for evidence,meandering through and through, poking, poking, poking your nose, taking nothing and everything for granted. Enough of it. Girl!"
so what get's registered is not the event, but the loony ness of your character

"the afternoon...."
the idea is in the right place, that being of a jump cut, you didn't go further though
"The afternoon sun glared directly, sweat tricking down as I sent the soccer ball into the net, left of the desired spot"
there, 3 images in one phrase - the scene, the face, the ball - executed with ruthless efficiency

"Because if I entertain myself with sarcasm"

"Ryan likes to feel contained"

"slipped around Edgemont"
the proper soccer word is "dribble"
here you are again missing an opportunity.
This is clearly a joy for your character
so stay there, in the scene, paint it further, so that the joy..comes out of it.

"It felt like a car parked on my shoulders"
your entire third ch is your best....
why?
because there you leave aside the lecturing/editorializing and do what do do best......describe idiosyncratically
and is that through those quirky descriptions that your characters shine

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I didn't get a sense of place a the start. I line with an image that opens a mind picture would suffice

"gut feeling" "to be silly" "so annoying"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he uses body language to describe...the reader feels


"supreme talent" "bungled(1) interpreting (2) hadn't tangled (3!!!!)" "perfect rhythm"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

for ex: "a minute facial expression"
then you go on to describe the facial expression
you do the same thing in the next one: "code for a sigh"
do we need to editorialize first?
why not let the description speak for itself?
are you lecturing or narrating?
am I a reader or one of your students?.....lol

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, you are 85% there.......lol

david

Sharahzade wrote 323 days ago

FINGERPRINTS
R. C Lewis

I read through Chapters one and two and then went looking for more action in the ensuing chapters. I honestly feel that the first two carry a lot of exposition and nothing really happens that tells me what your main character wants. It's not until Chapter three that I begin to see that there is something going on that is interesting and different. If it were me writing this story, I would begin it with Chapter three. That is where things start to happen. Now, this is just my opinion.

It's been drummed into my head that there should be action in the very first paragraph. Conflict, problem solving and emotion. The explanation of why this is all happening to your characters can be filled in as you go along. As a writer of fantasy fiction, I enjoyed Chapter four and five. I saw a big difference as I got further into this story.

Your dialogue is very real and easy to read. No stop lights there. I can see you have a unique story to tell about your characters. It casts an illuminating light on the special adjustments they must make in their lives.

Best of luck to you. Congratulations on reaching a rank of 13. I'll do my bit to help you along with a backing and stars.


Mary Enck
A King in Time

E. C. Flaig wrote 323 days ago

Backed for your honesty, and your obvious talent. And because, really, twins are kind of cool. And so is math.