American Witch

AMERICAN WITCH

Here is my portion of our first chapter read swap. As I tell everyone, just take what rings true of the critique and pitch the rest. Only you know what will work best for the story. Also, I don’t comment on grammar. I don’t feel that qualified and others on Autho are much better at that than I am. Anyways, I love the title. It’s what initially drew me to your story. And your LP and SP are well done. Okay, now on to your first chapter...

CH 1

This is full of pacy dialogue that drives the plot forward. I enjoyed that. It read well, and the characters are starting to develop well throughout the course of this first chapter. There is something quirky and fun about the way you write. I can’t quite put my finger on the quality that you have in your writing that makes me want to read on. I think it’s the creative ways you use to describe what is going on in the story. I’ve not seen anything quite like it on Autho. I always enjoy running across an author who makes the story a fun read. That’s so important. Highly starred. Good luck with this!

Best,

Ashley

What.


And you call me trippy. I really do like this, though. This critique is coming a few days after my last reading, but I honestly have nothing bad to say about it. There are aspects of the writing that I generally would criticize, but with this particular subject in this particular manner, they strengthen, rather than subtract.

Now, I didn't exactly find it funny. I found it quite engaging and entertaining, but there wasn't much I saw in the way of legitimate comedy. Is this a bad thing? I wouldn't say so, as quirkiness is just as valid as standard humor when it comes to comedic works. Regardless of its lack of LOL moments, the dialogue was amusing, I love the characters, particularly the landlord; I am so glad that you broke away from that "crotchety Romanian ballbuster" trope, as it is just too overused nowadays. This is something I could see myself reading simply because I want to instead of doing it as a contractual return-read obligation, which likely means that I WILL get around to finishing all of it and giving you a full critique. You should promote it a bit more to get a new audience; it seems a waste to allow this to languish with two-year old comments and a sub-4k rating!

First, American Ninja. Now, American witch. Coming to a cinema near you.

You know it is going to be good when the pitch makes you laugh. But stepping in, I was suprised that I was not inundated by quick, snappy jokes, plays on words, and the type of humour that dries up by chapter 4. No.... i had a slow step into something that was reality, humuourous reality, about a guy with I AM A WITCH tatooed on his shoulder, with a pentegram. Fucking funny.

BACKED


ps... get published... i want this book

American Witch

Hi Rosalind,

Immediately you have a classic title there, if ever there was one and your pitch promises much, it is cannily written, with a strong and significantly interesting authorial voice. And then, to the writing: this sings too, to the same pitch and tone. A great piece of writing, so many weird and wonderful characters cropping up early on with rich and interesting dialogue, that it makes for a refreshing and very different read. You have clearly already done a lot of editing and the book’s length is certainly publishable. You present us early with George’s predicament and he is shaped quickly into a sympathetic character who we are rooting for. This was quirky and different, a challenging read because it describes a world so slantways on to our own, crazy angles and at a weird pitch. Because of the way you wrote it I found it was emotionally engaging at the level of George which really helped me to grasp the world you have pitched us up in. Enjoyed this very much, good writing. If you are able to take a peek at my book it would be so helpful at this stage of the game.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

I thought that this was unusual and interesting from the pitch. The style of writing is absorbing because it is kind of easy going and explains things in a clear and concise way, I didn't realise how much I had read, and just got right into it. I like the way you name characters with a label like FU and preppy and I am sure we will come across more of these in time. There is also intrigue as to what happened to change George.
My tip would be to just change the appearance of the pitch - maybe broken into paragraphs with a line space as this seems to make it more appealing to read on the computer screen.
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

This is a great title :) RianTorr

The pitch is great. the read is funny, engrossing, and strong.

Wow, what a short and to the point plot, I loved how you described your book in such few words.
Thanks,
Scott

An engrossing read, with lots of humour.
I found your characters mesmerising and was drawn into their personalities, which I found believable and honest.
Your plot is very persuasive and has great hooks that compel the reader to turn the page and devour more.
The plot is well thought out and I can see you have thought long and hard about your market and have met their needs.
The dialogue adds colour to your scenes and dimension to the narrative as a whole.
The tone of your writing and voice are fluent and crisp.
Your story reads like a satire and I have to say I really enjoyed the read and would recommend you to others.
Well done.

AMERICAN WITCH

Here is my portion of our first chapter read swap. As I tell everyone, just take what rings true of the critique and pitch the rest. Only you know what will work best for the story. Also, I don’t comment on grammar. I don’t feel that qualified and others on Autho are much better at that than I am. Anyways, I love the title. It’s what initially drew me to your story. And your LP and SP are well done. Okay, now on to your first chapter...

CH 1

This is full of pacy dialogue that drives the plot forward. I enjoyed that. It read well, and the characters are starting to develop well throughout the course of this first chapter. There is something quirky and fun about the way you write. I can’t quite put my finger on the quality that you have in your writing that makes me want to read on. I think it’s the creative ways you use to describe what is going on in the story. I’ve not seen anything quite like it on Autho. I always enjoy running across an author who makes the story a fun read. That’s so important. Highly starred. Good luck with this!

Best,

Ashley

Paranormal thread. Orma
Well that was absolutely nothing like I was expecting from American Witch!
My expectations were of the generic witch-type story.
This is in a league of its own.
George is quite a character as is the landlord and Chessy. These are exceptional characters. Each very different.
As to where the plot is going, I have no idea, but that didn't bother me as the story drags you along with it.
You have quite an imagination and a turn of phrase I've never heard before.
American Witch is quirky, sad, funny and entertaining.
I wish you good luck with your unique and witty story.

Dear Rosalind,
Sometimes, the sentences were too long. Nevertheless, this is a well written piece. I did not find it overtly funny, but certainly quite engaging. However, the effect brought about by amusing characters and good dialogue was somewhat marred by a slightly convoluted non-linear narrative. That long one-sided rambling of the landlord did not work for me and made me want to kill the old queen... anyway, 6 stars from me. Keep churning out the good stuff.
I’m surprised that in spite of the fantastic short and long pitches and the obviously quirky main text, more people haven’t noticed this yet. Are you sure you’re promoting this the right way, to the right readers? Ironically, we are practitioners of an art-form whose success is measured only in terms of commerce. Hence, the pressing need for self-promotion. It’s sad, but true.
Best regards,
AGC.

Your pitch is good and I have had this on my W/L for weeks on the strength of it.

George and his coven are interesting characters, as are the supporting cast who are all well described. Set against the backdrop of an L.A. coffeehouse, I found this to be an easy and enjoyable read. After 3 chapters, I am wondering what happened in Palmdale that put George in such a sorry state and unable to function in society any more (until I remember he's the only witch Jesus ever saved, from your pitch).

The idea that George is being haunted by the landlord's dead lover is interesting, but why, if he's a witch, is George afraid of spirit? (especially as the landlord describes him as such a sweet soul). I'm sure this is explained as you read further, but it was one aspect of the unfolding, really quite engrossing story that made me wonder a little.

It may be the American language, but I think you could benefit from a little (minimal) editing and one example is in chapter 2 where the para starts:
George really didn't want to go to the party. People at parties made him nervous anymore.
I think this would read a lot better if you left out the word anymore, or something like, - people at parties made him nervous these days/nowadays.

This is an entertaining book with a great setting for a story about witches as I know this is a trend on the West Coast.

Highly starred and shelved
Karen 19
The Way Things Are

Hi Rosalind,

I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken so long to get here, but here I am :). Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

I rarely say this, because I’m stubborn and picky about pitches, but I really like your short pitch. Short, active tense, fits the comedy genre, and is a good hook.

In the long pitch, I’m not sure how I feel about that run-on sentence, but the language is good.

“the faces he’s worn” makes me sort of think he’s some sort of sick serial killer.

Why is “Bad Thing Happened” in all caps?

This is a really good pitch. I think some of it could be taken out, as you don’t need all this backstory in a pitch, but overall, nicely done.

Chapter one

The opening paragraph is kind of weak. Don’t disregard the significance of your opportunity to hook the reader with those first couple of lines. A good first-line hook might be, “George was desperate” and then detail the situation. You’re the author. You know best, but that’s just a suggestion to consider.

I don’t like the word “sprawled” here. Usually it would be “was sprawled.”

Now, the topic of the first couple paragraphs IS a good hook, leaving the reader to go, “What the hell???” lol
“George felt himself sinking into a deep pit of despair.” This is a well-placed line, but I think you can do more with it. Maybe, “George sunk deeper into his chair with every word, while his stomach twisted with a sense of despair.” Lol I dunno. Again, I don’t mean to write this for you. The only reason I think I’m doing this is because your ideas are really intriguing me and I can’t help myself. :D

I love the quirkiness of the characters and your voice is effective. You have a strong sense of timing as to when to use long sentences and when to throw the reader off with short, choppy sentences. It seems deliberate and it keeps the reader on his/her toes. The voice and character dialogues are what I love most. More specifically, I like the characters’ reactions to those dialogues. There were a few spots where a scrubbing might be in order, but nothing drastic. Plus, I think the imagery could be amped up a bit, but overall a very nice piece of work.
Best of luck with this! High stars.

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

American Witch

Usual disclaimer: this is one person’s subjective view.

Short Pitch: Great

Long Pitch: There’s lots of good stuff in this but that’s a problem. It doesn’t read like a sales pitch, which is what they are supposed to be, but a laundry list of weird stuff. It’s all great weird stuff as I said but it just goes on and on. I would try and précis this into a couple of paragraphs of sharp advert.

Main text: This reads very easily indeed. I only tripped up, editorially, here and there on the few sentences where I felt judiciously placed commas would help, or where a sentence seemed to run on a little. For example, that paragraph about George’s apartment needs a bit of attention. And the one beginning: “The drizzly winter morning…” seems to have a verb missing.

You conjure a world of strange individuals here, living in a penumbral environment of shadowy oddballs. My feeling was that, despite your sure linguistic touch, the flow of your text became a little convoluted. For example, a great big ‘memory’ sequence about the landlord and a slightly confused return to a head-banging George. And yet your second chapter manages a somewhat more conventional narrative flow. I’d be inclined to re-examine the transitions in that first chapter with a view to making them slightly clearer.

What.


And you call me trippy. I really do like this, though. This critique is coming a few days after my last reading, but I honestly have nothing bad to say about it. There are aspects of the writing that I generally would criticize, but with this particular subject in this particular manner, they strengthen, rather than subtract.

Now, I didn't exactly find it funny. I found it quite engaging and entertaining, but there wasn't much I saw in the way of legitimate comedy. Is this a bad thing? I wouldn't say so, as quirkiness is just as valid as standard humor when it comes to comedic works. Regardless of its lack of LOL moments, the dialogue was amusing, I love the characters, particularly the landlord; I am so glad that you broke away from that "crotchety Romanian ballbuster" trope, as it is just too overused nowadays. This is something I could see myself reading simply because I want to instead of doing it as a contractual return-read obligation, which likely means that I WILL get around to finishing all of it and giving you a full critique. You should promote it a bit more to get a new audience; it seems a waste to allow this to languish with two-year old comments and a sub-4k rating!

Laugh out loud narrative. Brilliant idea.
Backed with pleasure
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

This an acquired taste and moves to fast for me. But i like George and i will back this on originality. Seems very American and not written for a wide aging audience.

Backed

Ha. For a moment, I thought the 108 256 words was part of ths story. Anyway, this is fantastically crafted stuff. It was genuinely funny and quite sardonic at times. Your voice is very strong yet never impinges on the clickness with which you tell your story. I enjoyed the four chapters I read enormously
Carl
The Time Hunters

This is a wild read. I used to live just outside L.A. so I recognized your settings. Made me feel at home to read this. George is a great character. Dialogue is good. He's strange in many ways but his differences make him sympathetic. Made me want to keep reading to see how this story is going to end. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Written very well with clear potential. I enjoyed this a lot and it's not often a book in this genre does that. I hope this is a great success for you as it truly deserves to be. I have to say I loved the 'orders Porshes like pizzas.' in your pitch!

Backed with pleasure,
Aimee
His Pride, Her Prejudice

Hi. I like this story and will probably read it all. Sometimes I felt there could be more dialogue. You might reveal more of the plot through it. The narrative is a little long at times. Maybe don't give too much information at the beginning. All the best with it. Gerry

I like this. It's jolly, literate and cynical. Good luck.

A strong charactor driven plot with some good dialogue. I was highly amused by the tatoo and the reactions of the tourists.
Backed

This is good. Lots of in depth characters and a strong plot.

A couple of minor suggestions:

Chapter 1: I'd maybe start with the description of 'preppy guy' first and then go into him speaking. I kind of felt a bit lost for reference at the beginning. Best to set the scene first.

Chapter 2: Your first four paragraphs all start with 'George.' Aside from being a touch repetitive it just looks a little odd on the page itself.

I haven't gotten through all of this, it's HUGE! But on my watchlist for further reading.

Regards

Tim H
Hellbound

Rosalind, I enjoyed the first chapter. Good mix of narrative and dialogue. Nothing to nitpick.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Well written, thepitchhooked me immediately. Jesus saved a witch and he has a tattoo to declare it. unusual draws me in and I'm well and truly in.

Funny, funny stuff. this was really good to read. The only small thing I have to say is that there is a few huge paragraphs here. I think a little cutting down would help the pace a bit. Otherwise a top effort. Backed.

Great pitches.

This is very funny and well written (Grrr) I love how you develop your MC, situation comedy with great dialogue. This very, very (one more for luck) very good – Good luck

Great pitch and cover. First two chapters are well paced and funny. Backed with pleasure
Good luck
Hatts

your pitch makes me laugh. Great writing. You have 2 thinks that attracted the readers. It is just from my opinion. I love to back your book and wish the best. Bamboo Promise

There is good writing—stylish. I appreciate the snappy dialogue; it gives the story a good pace. You have a talent for pulling back the layers to reveal the core of the story. As a whole, I found the book thoroughly suspenseful.
Job well done
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Funny and original.

Shelved.
Dan-
Eunice Stubbins, among others...

This is so original I have to back it and besides it is well written and polished! BACKED
Liz
The Cheech Room

This is awesome! You've got some vividly real characters that really stick with the reader. It made me laugh quite a bit, you have a way with words and it really works! Just a great, original story!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Poor Goerge. What a great start. I really feel for George, well it shows your power of writing. incredible. backed with pleasure.

shah - the interpreter

Thoroughly enjoyed. I wish you the very best of luck with your book. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

A superior page turner.
Backed!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a read of your book.

Backed - how could I not back George the WItch?
Would appreciate you looking at A Boy Called George before midnight if possible. My fingertips are hurting trying to hold on to the desk.
Thank you
Sue x

Rosalind

You really shouldn't give up on this, it's a worthwhile effort, and you clearly put a lot of work into it.

George is a great character, sporting his tattoo, drawing hateful stares from the tourists, angering his coven, servicing his landlord for the cut rate rent. He represents our lost generations of youth doing meaningless stuff in the service economy.

Just signing on every few days to recycle the file is enough to keep it moving forward, that and returning backings got me to 150 or so. I'm going to stick it on my shelf to give you some encouragement.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Backed January 20.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

Rosalind.
Readers are in for a wild ride with "American Witch". The only witch Jesus saved is enough to make anyone want to find out more. I think the strength of this is really the great dialogue: it comes at us like a machinegun.

Happy to back this.

Nicholas ("The Warlock")

Rosalind,
If I had to come up with a single word to describe American Witch, it would be unique.
I'm guessing this could be both good and bad. Unique when dealing with any kind of art, is a good thing.
Unique when dealing with the great literary machine, maybe not as appealing. I hope you can find a publilsher for this as it is very good, but I dare say the big publishing houses won't get it.
Wishing you good luck,
MickR - The NIghtcrawler

I was thinking more "American Psycho" now "American Witch." I think it's always a bad idea to open with dialogue (like coming into a room in which a conversation is already in place... perhaps set the scene with a paragraph of narrative description of the low rise office building.) Your pitch reads like a pitch for a tv series! This is a very professional piece of writing... it's quirky, humorous, and ... most importantly, DIFFERENT. Any editor should give this a read on the basis of the pitch and the first few chapters.
Shelved.
Frank

Hi - this is good. It drew me in and kept my interest. One thing - you tend to overuse 'George' and it's a bit distracting, but otherwise, I'm happy to shelve you for a time.

Jeanne (Dark Angel)

Hi Rosalind
Read your short pitch and was as drawn to this as a starving stressed fed-up woman is to chocolate! Long pitch had me chuckling so i thought i'd give it a go.
Wow! Glad i did! Funny without making me laugh so much i can't oncerntrait. I instantly feel sorry for George, fancy getting such a daft tattoo! But i am wairy of him, what happened in Palmdale? I have only read to chapter 2, very busy today, but already i know i would buy this.
Just one little pick, your flashback-info-dumps feel a little too long, although very amusing, they distract a bit from the main plot, George. Necessary perhaps, but may pear them down a bit?
Backed because Jesus spared him!
Zil x

I dived into chapters 8 to 10 of American Witch, and as a result had some trouble catching the drift of the seemingly huge numbers of characters and the storyline.However, this has the flavour of the sort of epic tale that many lovers of this genre will go for, and so I'm happy to back it.
For the editor, I'd suggest weeding out some ungrammatical sentences [eg The cracked panel of red glass (- no verb)] and some very long and complex ones [like the opening sentences of C9] both of which make the read harder work and more fragmented than it needs be. I'd also echo other comments about the huge chunks of narrative - a bit like a continuous brain-dump that would be easier going if you broke it up with some dialogue. Just one opinion, of course! Good luck.

Hello Rosalind,

Good strong writing. Great concept.
The only nit-pick .......... huge chunks of text. If you could just split it into smaller paras.
Shelved with pleasure.

lalit navani ( femme fatale )

Hi Rosalind, this is a really interesting premise. George is a good character, he's not too sure of himself and this comes across really well. He is searching for something but I don't think he knows what that is. I was sure from reading it whether he was having an affair with his landlord or not but the blurb says he has a girlfriend. Chessy is a nice touch and like how the idea of him haunts people, he is almost like an invisible character in your story and that works well. I'd like to know more about the Coven and who they are, I'll will have to make time to read on for this. I enjoyed the read and it's on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Highly original and you have a strong MC in George. Enjoyed the four chapters I read. Bravo!

Bob (Auctoratus)

Rosalind, I think you have a fun story going here. You do very well at bringing your characters to life and creating your settings. That said, I think you could work on the flow of the writing....including dialogue.

Thi is great, Rosalind. George is an immediately likeable mc and the secondary characters are well portrayed too - great names helps with that - Warlock Bob, Goth Boy, Darlene - love 'em! The humour courses through the story as well - I smiled openly on many occasions. I did notice one typo in chap 1: confidant (confident) witch, but apart from that, it's well worthy of a shelf.
Cheers,
Simon (Back to Life)

I'm with Simon as this is worthy enough of a SHELVING.

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I'll really go with the flow here. A witch who makes you laugh? That's got to be a switch. Well-written, irreverent and snappy dialogue. I'm only a few chapters in - four to be precise - but I know it's gpoing to be a very enjoyable read. Poor George: so mixed up. I hope I do find out who the real George is.

Backed with pleasure.

Nicholas ("The Warlock") - on a more serious note.

First, American Ninja. Now, American witch. Coming to a cinema near you.

You know it is going to be good when the pitch makes you laugh. But stepping in, I was suprised that I was not inundated by quick, snappy jokes, plays on words, and the type of humour that dries up by chapter 4. No.... i had a slow step into something that was reality, humuourous reality, about a guy with I AM A WITCH tatooed on his shoulder, with a pentegram. Fucking funny.

BACKED


ps... get published... i want this book