Book Jacket

 

rank 1607
word count 14962
date submitted 03.11.2009
date updated 19.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Horror, Comedy
classification: moderate
incomplete

American Witch

Rosalind Barden

Step into Hollywood’s demimonde and follow the misadventures of George, the only witch Jesus ever saved.

 

George is not your average witch. He's been homeless, an addict, a porn star, a rich Hollywood jerk.

George desperately wants a cigarette again, but more desperately craves the mountain of beautiful powder that fueled his beautiful life with beautiful hair and beautiful people, only to have it implode in violence in the suburban sprawl of Palmdale’s desert. Not everyone appreciates a long-haired witch with a big black pentagram tattoo.

He's roomies with Danny, a fashion-focused Satanist fired for his rumored fondness for the studio boss's poodle. He's lovers with Dimi, who orders Porsches like pizzas. He's best friends with Anthony, an ex celebrity “personal slave.” He's best enemies with F-U, who enjoys kicking George with his great velvet boots for ruining his chance to become the next Goth pop star.

Poor George. The only witch Jesus saved. He’s haunted by enigmatic dreams, haunted by his landlord’s dead lover. He wonders, did he really used to be the horrible jerk everyone says?

Join George's darkly humorous journey as he learns to be himself.

Another fantastic cover by Bradley Wind!

 
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actors, addiction, celebrity, comedy, dance, dark humor, downtown los angeles, entertainment industry, fantasy, film industry, film school, ghost, got...

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American Witch

 

by Rosalind Barden

 

 

    “Yeah, the flyer job is still open, but, you know, I’ve been looking for someone like you and I’ve got a better, or at least, a job that pays better, if you want to give me a moment to explain.”  A preppy white guy sprawled loosely behind a folding table desk in a shabby office in one of the last shabby and still cheap old low-rise office buildings in Hollywood.

    It’s not a good sign to go in for a job passing out flyers and have the guy bring up a “better paying” job once you’re there.  But George was desperate, so he shrugged and preppy man launched into his spiel.  There wouldn’t be any nudity.  “You get to keep your underpants on.”  There would be a couple of other “kids.”  “But you’ll only be, like, sitting on their laps, stuff like that.  Nothing hard, okay?”

    George felt himself sinking into a deep pit of despair.

    “Wait a minute, George--you said your name was George, right?  Right.  It pays a lot.  Okay?  Four hundred, cash.”

    Magic words.  Four hundred was exactly what he needed to keep the landlord away.  Nothing extra for food, for utilities (they’d been cut off long ago anyway), but to cover rent for another month, that was an achievement.

    Preppy man must have seen George’s eyes brightening, but brightening a bit much.  “I can’t give you an advance.”  Brightness fades.  “But, wait, you get the full amount at the end of the shooting day, and it will be only one day of shooting.  That’s a lot for this kind of work.”

    It was.  George knew.  This wasn’t the first time he’d been given such an offer. 

    “I have to line up the other two kids, then I’ll call you.  Is there a number where I can get a message to you or something?”  This guy was used to dealing with people who’d gotten their phones cut off.  George gave him Moss’s number.  She was reliable, would remember to pass the message to him and wouldn’t ask him questions about it.

    George was stepping down Hollywood Boulevard to his bus stop feeling pretty good.  Yes, there was the creeping apprehension about whether “you can keep your underpants on” would turn out to be true or not.  But he had rent money.  Wasn’t sure when he’d get it, but if the landlord decided to motor up from his abode in Santa Monica to drop hints about how George could pay his past due rent in trade, George had a bone to toss him.  He had a job lined up that’d pay the amount needed.  Four hundred.  Magic words.

    George sensed them before he saw them.  The feeling crept upon him, making the hair rise on his arms.  In his stomach churned the only food he’d eaten in three days, a carrot muffin rudely served to him by F-U at the Café that morning. 

In his temporary state of semi-happiness his hand had slid off his tattoo exposing it for all the world.  George turned toward what he was feeling and saw them: tourists, dressed in their tourist clothes, their small eyes peering feverishly at his tattooed shoulder, at his face.

    Even the guy at the tattoo parlor asked if he was sure he wanted his tattoo so big, so thick, so black.  George was a confident witch back then.  Before Palmdale.  Proud.  So what?  I’m a witch, aren’t I?  The tattoo artist shrugged his eyebrows and needled forever on George’s shoulder, “I AM A WITCH” with a big black pentagram to boot.

    “You know, not every place is as understanding as here.  You might want to be careful with that,” the tattoo man cautioned as George left.  The man was of course referring to Hollywood which back then was Hollyweird and was safe for little witches with bold tattoos.

    After George left the parlor on the way to his car, which he owned back then--new and insured and he considered it a huge crisis if it wasn’t washed every week--he ran into an inebriated 12-year-old panhandling on the corner.  The boy stared puzzled at George’s new tattoo, then burst out laughing. 

Warlock Bob still snickered about George’s tattoo.  When F-U first saw it at the Café, he laughed so hard, he fell to the floor.  Rigel, the Café’s aging owner, had to tenderly help his employee to his feet again (“Darling!  I worried you’d hurt yourself”).  F-U and his disbanded Goth band despised little witch boy George so had to torment him when the opportunity presented.

    George’s Coven was either polite about his tattoo (Darlene and Anthony), or hugely impressed by his bold honesty (Cheryl and Chuckster), but Moss didn’t say much and seemed concerned.  George couldn’t remember if Dimi noticed.

    Laughing street kids, mocking Goths.  Fine.  What George hadn’t anticipated was the darkness, the sheer intense angry hatred.  Moss had anticipated it the moment she saw the tattoo.  She was the senior member of their Coven, an OG of the witch world.  Being older and wiser, perhaps she knew more about the ways of humans than George, at least George as he was back then, ambitious, rolling forward into the future.  Back then, before Palmdale, before he changed.

Here was the darkness again on Hollywood Boulevard beneath the pounding September sun that ate through George’s pale nocturnal skin because he couldn’t afford sunscreen anymore.  It poured from the eyes of the tourists wearing their coordinated tourist shorts and toting their tourist fannypacks.  Cleaned and scrubbed by the powers that be, Hollywood was no longer Hollyweird, was no longer safe for misfits.

George felt like cupping his hand over his tattoo, hiding it, but even in the sad, sorry state he’d sunk to of late, he couldn’t bring himself to give them the satisfaction.  So he shoved his hands in his pockets.  Before scurrying away, he smiled at the tourists in a small attempt to lighten the situation.

    They reacted badly.  Convinced he’d just set the devil himself upon them, they broke out in loud, vehement prayer.  A few of the lively ones took up the chase.  They were swift, the lively ones.  Even George’s tactic of running up a sidestreet inclining steeply toward the Hills refused to lose them.  They’d almost run him down when, a miracle, a bus pulled to a stop he was running past.  He fled inside.  His pursuers followed partly up the bus steps, but then their eyes fell upon the sea of dark, suspicious faces inside.  Their energy left them and it was as if they melted off the bus.  George watched them through the scratched plastic windows as the bus pulled away.  Their eyes, still angry, stared hard at him. 

    George trembled, his sweat now cold on his skin.  Even the quiet murmur of voices swearing in Spanish as the bus rocked back and forth didn’t comfort George.  By the time he walked home, he was in a state of high alarm.

    His smiling landlord was there to greet him.  The man stood under an arch that curved from the side of the building over the walkway leading to the stairs to George’s apartment. 

“Ah, it’s my George.”

* * *

    George’s landlord was decked out in his summery linen suit, the only kind of suit or clothing period, he wore.  “Have you ever been forced as a child into a horrid, itching wool monstrosity just for a drive into Manhattan for ice cream?  I hate ice cream to this day.  No, George, I’ve gone native.  Completely native!  What Mother would think of me were she alive, I cannot even begin to describe to you.”

The elderly man leaned jauntily on his blond wood walking stick with a rose mottled white onyx globe as a handle, an accessory he was never without along with a pale silk hankie sprawled faux-carelessly from his linen suit jacket pocket and a Panama fedora.  The tilt of his fedora was as jaunty as his current pose under the useless arch curving over the walkway to the stairs leading to George’s apartment, all 1500 empty square feet of it, with decorative fan of colored glass panels topping the front door, washer/dryer hookup included, at $400/month when units next door were going for $2200/month, all because the wool-loathing landlord loved him.  Right now it was $400/month too much and the only food he’d eaten in three days was a carrot muffin that had left him feeling sick.

The eyes of the angry Hollywood tourists seemed to follow his back.  All George wanted to do was curl up with his blanket that had disappeared strangely a few weeks ago.  George suspected Anthony had stolen it to cure his alarming blanket snuggling-thumb sucking behavior, though had merely forced George to curl up on the floor with only his thumb to keep him warm because he hadn’t the funds to buy another blanket.  This worried the back of George’s mind because after the hot months of September and October disappeared, Los Angeles would plunge into the bitter damp of its winter.  No more was George’s bed; no more was his fine comforter.  All were long gone at his last garage sale, leaving him with a vast stretch of empty floor in an empty apartment.  But how could he curl up anywhere with anything now that the landlord stood in the middle of the cracked walkway, blocking his path?

The landlord smiled in the happy way he always smiled “because, George, I’ve been a happy, happy man since I left Mother far far behind on the Hudson and went completely native in LA.  When was that now?  Yes, 1962.  I was forty-four--still a young boy, if you think about it, um?”

    George wasn’t yet thirty, much less forty, but he didn’t feel like a young boy, or at least not as young as his landlord still felt.  George wasn’t sure how he felt anymore, only that he wanted to curl up and hide and be left alone on the cool quiet of his hardwood floor that he worried every month would no longer be his, and then where would he go?

    “I’m sorry about the rent,” George managed to mumble to his smiling landlord.  “But I do have a job lined up, so as soon as I get paid, I can pay you.”

    “Oh?  What kind of job is it?  You seem to have a different sort of job every time I see you, George.”

    “It’s photography.  I mean, someone will take my picture.”

    The landlord’s face positively lit up like Christmas at this.  “Really?  Pictures, um?  I’d love to see them when they’re all developed and so on.  May I?”

    “Well, ah . . . ,” and George’s head dropped, so wanting to curl up, hide.

    “Oh, that’s all right.  I quite understand.”  The landlord paused, his silken palm massaging the rose mottled white onyx globe atop his walking stick.  “You’re such a shy boy.  A shy, shy boy.  You remind me so much of a boyhood friend of mine, Chessy.  I’ve told you about Chessy, haven’t I?”

    “Yes, I think so.  Yeah.”

    The landlord most certainly had, quite often as a matter of fact.  He and Chessy, short for Chester, hadn’t actually met as boys, but in college, at Harvard or Yale or one of those places--George had trouble paying exact attention to his landlord’s breezy prattlings--“an absolute horror of a prison for young men, a dungeon above ground, truly, where everyone, everyone, hated me.  Not Chessy, of course--people were kind to Chessy--just me they hated.”  The landlord had been compelled to attend the dungeon-like Ivy League school because Mother’s father had attended, her grandfather, assorted uncles, “Every male thing in the family, the dogs too, I wouldn’t doubt.”

    Frail, lovely Chessy, who clung to life by a gossamer thread courtesy of a long, arduous battle with a childhood illness.  “He had such fantastic dreams, Chessy had, so vivid.  In the mornings we’d have juice together and cookies.  Such silly boys we were--cookies for breakfast--what mischief boys get into when Mother isn’t around to watch!  He’d tell me what he dreamt the night before.  He’d go on journeys to different worlds--I don’t mean other planets with little green men, that sort of thing--but other realms.  I’d never be able to describe them how Chessy had.  Amazing worlds where all the colors were more vivid than the eye can perceive.  Places where the beings never walked, but floated or flew, no, not flew, but drifted, yes, wafted, I think would be the way to describe.  Well, it does sound silly the way I say it, but if you’d heard Chessy tell it . . . .”

    Chessy’s mother told the youthful landlord that when Chessy was first born, he’d been a robust baby, bawling lustily, thrashing about his crib, cheeks red.  But, literally, one morning she came upon a child completely changed.  He was quiet and passively let her lift him from his blankets.  He seemed lost in thought from that moment, and became a sickly child.  “But a poet, from an early age.  Chessy’s mother told me she preferred him that way.  At first, before he’d changed, she’d so worried he’d be exactly like his father.  I met Chessy’s father once.  Hated me, I’ll tell you that.  Do you know what a Changeling is, George?”  Vaguely, George did.  “In the old days, George, peasants, and even the aristocracy too because they all were superstitious back then, believed sometimes the little people--you know, fairies, elves, that sort of thing--would creep to a child’s crib ‘round midnight or so and take the baby away and leave a different baby in its place, a fairy baby, a Changeling.  That’s how they explained away retarded children, children with birth defects, and also boys like Chessy.  Chessy’s mother, and this is no exaggeration, firmly believed the fairies had taken away the original Chester, the Chester who was like his father, and rescued her from a life of suffering under two of them by gifting her with a fairy baby.  Sometimes, George, especially the older I get, I almost believe her.  Chessy was so different.  I know you must think I’m quite the silly old queen, but if you’d met Chessy, you’d have understood.  Chessy was beautiful, simply beautiful.  Everyone loved Chessy.  But it was me, only me whom Chessy loved in return.”  The drizzly winter morning when the landlord whispered these words to George while gazing out the French window-doors of George’s bedroom, tears began to stream down the white-haired man’s pale cheeks and he fled wordlessly out of George’s apartment.

    The summer after their freshman year of cookies for breakfast, Chessy died, finally succumbing to his beautiful, frail body.  The landlord was far away, and didn’t know until weeks later, apart from an unsettled feeling that plagued him as he strolled the foggy shore of Catalina Island off the coast of Los Angeles.  A friend of Mother’s had insisted she travel to Catalina after her doctor cautioned she needed a change to a “healthful climate for the summer” to “rest your nerves” which had been perpetually in a state since her husband, the landlord’s father, failed to return from a business trip to Brazil after the Great War (“I’ve been to Brazil many a time, my dear little George, since I kissed the East good-bye, and believe me, I quite understand”).  Only as they packed to return home did Mother casually drop that Mrs. Makerbane’s son (she had only one--Chessy) had passed from pneumonia during the summer, leaving her “completely unreasonable, crying all the time,” so no one could invite her anywhere.  The landlord cast himself out the nearest window, so overcome he was with the news of Chessy’s death and the fact that his mother had withheld it until the last moment (“She knew what Chessy meant to me”), but it wasn’t much of a drop and a soft landing on a tangle of large, water-swollen jade plant bushes.

    He refused to leave Catalina.  Then he refused to board the plane leaving Los Angeles.  Ultimately he did both and ended up completing his years of study at the dungeon-like school Back East, and suffered an existence on Manhattan he only vaguely described as a “brokerage cog chained in a wool suit,” because “I didn’t have the strength to stand up to Mother.”  Not until his forties.  Then, like his father, he went on a business trip, though to Los Angeles instead of Brazil, and never returned.

    He met a man who, “took care of me from then on and understood that I could only ever love Chessy, truly love, and, you know what?  He came to love Chessy too, just from my describing him.  Chessy had that effect on people.”  Eventually, Mother passed away, and not long after, his older lover, leaving him with a combined fortune that was quite substantial and he became a landlord.

    He’d taken a sudden fancy to the eccentric little apartment buildings dotting the hills of the then terribly unfashionable Silverlake.  He’d been driving up Glendale Boulevard from downtown Los Angeles where he’d gone to meet an attorney regarding his two inheritances, otherwise he never set foot near “downtown suits,” when he suddenly noticed a street rising up an impossibly steep hill crowded with shabby old apartments.  Like many Los Angeles apartments built in the 1920s, these were fantastic structures, with weather vanes shaped like Spanish galleons, cone-roofed towers, and purposeless ornamentation such as the arch curving over the walkway.  It looked to him like a fairyland movie set. 

“I don’t know why, George, but I thought to myself, “That’s where Chessy would be living today.”  The landlord had never heard of the neighborhood before.  He asked native-Angeleno friends about Silverlake, but no one knew much, other than vague notions about hippies living there, “but certainly no one we know.”

    Unfashionable though Silverlake was at the time, he impulsively (“My attorney was shocked, and so angry at me, I can hardly describe”) bought a dozen of the apartment buildings which back then could be had cheap.  With only basic repairs to keep them livable, he kept the strange aging structures as they were.  Elsewhere in Silverlake, owners tore out original French windows, and hammered green shag carpeting over magnesite floors.  It upset the landlord to think about it.  “So violent.”

    The landlord didn’t live in Silverlake anymore.  “I can’t take the heat--not the young boy anymore, that sort of thing.”  He lived in Santa Monica, along the cooling ocean.  But, in his mind, Chessy still held down the fort back in the Silverlake Hills, at least according to a long-time tenant who lived in the building when George moved in.

The tenant was an ancient musician who’d played violin in an orchestra that performed only for movie soundtracks.  He confided to George that the landlord was rumored to keep a unit vacant in one of his buildings so Chessy would have a place to live, or rather, waft, in his disembodied state.  “Of course, George, maybe it’s not a vacant unit after all.  Maybe Chessy is floating around in my unit.  Or maybe your unit, eh?”  The ancient musician died before George could pencil in the time to quiz him for details, so George was left wondering.

    “The style of the buildings here is the closest I’ve found to how Chessy described the structures in his dream world,” the landlord often explained to George.  “Sometimes I wonder if he didn’t enter another realm after all.  Maybe in his dream-state, he traveled to California, and the floating people were other dreamers like him, dreamers trapped Back East in lives not suited to them.  Dreamers longing to find freedom elsewhere.  You never know.”

    On this particular afternoon, under the hot September sun tempered by the fluttering leaves of the many overgrown trees on the property, the landlord spoke no more of Chessy, and only looked away dreamily and sighed.

    “Well then,” abruptly the landlord came back to the present, “pay me whenever you can.”  He smiled and rubbed his fingers through George’s hair before he sauntered away, murmuring, as he often did, “Chessy had hair just like yours.  Dark, curly.  So soft.  Changeling hair, is how I think of it.  You know, his mother told me that when he was first born, his hair was much lighter, and even his eyes were blue-ish.  But then they weren’t.  Ummm.  Interesting, isn’t it?”

    Chessy and the thought of his spirit lurking somewhere in Silverlake, maybe even in his own building, maybe even in his own apartment, more and more terrified George, yet more and more fascinated him.

    It was head banging time.  That’s how bad today was.  Head banging up and down, up and down on the hardwood floor.  Underpants and whether he could keep them on + angry tourist eyes chasing him in the afternoon, and then his aging landlord babbling about ghostly Chessy, making George worry that where Chessy lurked in Silverlake was where George knelt right now, banging his head on the floor.

    George never used to think much about Chessy.  But now he did.  Since Palmdale, he did.  How did Chessy feel about George?  Did he like him, pity him, hate him for being alive when Chessy wasn’t?

    George remembered a morning shortly after he’d moved into his apartment when the landlord stopped by “just to see how everything’s going, George.”  The landlord opened one of the sets of French window-doors lining an entire wall of the living room, and pointed to the rotted, collapsing balcony outside.  “So be careful.  Don’t accidentally step through and fall, fall, fall.  I couldn’t bear to lose both of you.”  Both of you?  George was confused at the time, then later unnerved when he realized “both of you” meant him and Chessy.

    Head bang, head bang, up and down on the hardwood floor, cool and smooth in the unpleasant muggy September evening.  Fading light seeped through the fan of colored glass panels crowning the front door and painted a dim pastel kaleidoscope about the living room and across George’s back.

Was Chessy, slowly, stealthily sucking the life from George’s little witch body so he could waft with Chessy?  George was now certain Chessy’s dreams weren’t about the fairy world or suit-chained souls needing escape, but were about death.  The beings wafting through the fantastic buildings were depressed, dead people trapped in apartments they couldn’t afford, apartments empty of all books all possessions, sold to buy beans, three cans for 99 cents.

    “George, I don’t pick up anything negative in your apartment,” this from Darlene earlier that month on a broiling evening in the Café after George tentatively asked if she’d felt an evil entity lurking about his apartment. 

    “Did you ever ask your Channeler?”  George had bothered her several times already about consulting her Channeler.

    “George, Running Bear has a lot on his mind!  I have to be selective what I ask him.  But really, I don’t feel any negative entities in your place.”

    “Hey, George, I think the negative entity is you,” laughing from Chuckster.

    “Chuck, don’t say that to George.  He’ll take you seriously,” Anthony, admonishing.

    “Yes, let’s not tease George today, okay, everybody?  And let’s not fight,” Moss, exasperated, rubbing her eyes like a headache was coming on.

    “Okay, George,” Chuckster smiled, “Why not ask Warlock Bob to put a curse on Chessy?  Then he’ll leave you alone.”  Chuckster was eating a bearclaw, so he must have fallen off his and Cheryl’s perpetual diet again.  He and Cheryl were a dieting team.  He’d make it up next week by vomiting. 

“Warlock Bob doesn’t do curses,” Anthony whispered furtively since Warlock Bob was sitting in the back of the Café laughing with Rigel, who waved his heat damp face with a faded floral paper fan he picked up during his last Mardi Gras fifteen years ago.  When Rigel was young and beautiful, rumor said, he was given cars and apartments by all the wealthy white boys up and down the East Coast.  After moving to LA, he lived with a television celebrity.  But that was a time long past for Rigel.  Now his world was the Café, where he watched F-U going about his chores, swishing his long black hair indifferently to Rigel’s dreamy stares.

    Chew, chew, chew, swallow, big lump traveling rapidly down Chuckster’s throat.  “Oh, sure he does,” not trying to be quiet, “Warlock Bob does everything.”

    “Are you talking about me over there?” chuckles from Warlock Bob and a shriek of laughter from Rigel (“Do you really do everything?”).

    Chuckster laughed and choked on his bearclaw as Anthony frowned and Moss rubbed her eyes and Darlene pointed out, “George, I thought you felt close to this Chessy.  I thought you’ve been trying to talk with Chessy.  Haven’t you?”

    And, yes, George had.  Quite a lot, as a matter of fact.

* * *

   

 

Chapters

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a.morrison712 wrote 128 days ago

AMERICAN WITCH

Here is my portion of our first chapter read swap. As I tell everyone, just take what rings true of the critique and pitch the rest. Only you know what will work best for the story. Also, I don’t comment on grammar. I don’t feel that qualified and others on Autho are much better at that than I am. Anyways, I love the title. It’s what initially drew me to your story. And your LP and SP are well done. Okay, now on to your first chapter...

CH 1

This is full of pacy dialogue that drives the plot forward. I enjoyed that. It read well, and the characters are starting to develop well throughout the course of this first chapter. There is something quirky and fun about the way you write. I can’t quite put my finger on the quality that you have in your writing that makes me want to read on. I think it’s the creative ways you use to describe what is going on in the story. I’ve not seen anything quite like it on Autho. I always enjoy running across an author who makes the story a fun read. That’s so important. Highly starred. Good luck with this!

Best,

Ashley

Bad Karma wrote 209 days ago

What.


And you call me trippy. I really do like this, though. This critique is coming a few days after my last reading, but I honestly have nothing bad to say about it. There are aspects of the writing that I generally would criticize, but with this particular subject in this particular manner, they strengthen, rather than subtract.

Now, I didn't exactly find it funny. I found it quite engaging and entertaining, but there wasn't much I saw in the way of legitimate comedy. Is this a bad thing? I wouldn't say so, as quirkiness is just as valid as standard humor when it comes to comedic works. Regardless of its lack of LOL moments, the dialogue was amusing, I love the characters, particularly the landlord; I am so glad that you broke away from that "crotchety Romanian ballbuster" trope, as it is just too overused nowadays. This is something I could see myself reading simply because I want to instead of doing it as a contractual return-read obligation, which likely means that I WILL get around to finishing all of it and giving you a full critique. You should promote it a bit more to get a new audience; it seems a waste to allow this to languish with two-year old comments and a sub-4k rating!

Jupiter Echoes wrote 898 days ago

First, American Ninja. Now, American witch. Coming to a cinema near you.

You know it is going to be good when the pitch makes you laugh. But stepping in, I was suprised that I was not inundated by quick, snappy jokes, plays on words, and the type of humour that dries up by chapter 4. No.... i had a slow step into something that was reality, humuourous reality, about a guy with I AM A WITCH tatooed on his shoulder, with a pentegram. Fucking funny.

BACKED


ps... get published... i want this book

Andrew W. wrote 925 days ago

American Witch

Hi Rosalind,

Immediately you have a classic title there, if ever there was one and your pitch promises much, it is cannily written, with a strong and significantly interesting authorial voice. And then, to the writing: this sings too, to the same pitch and tone. A great piece of writing, so many weird and wonderful characters cropping up early on with rich and interesting dialogue, that it makes for a refreshing and very different read. You have clearly already done a lot of editing and the book’s length is certainly publishable. You present us early with George’s predicament and he is shaped quickly into a sympathetic character who we are rooting for. This was quirky and different, a challenging read because it describes a world so slantways on to our own, crazy angles and at a weird pitch. Because of the way you wrote it I found it was emotionally engaging at the level of George which really helped me to grasp the world you have pitched us up in. Enjoyed this very much, good writing. If you are able to take a peek at my book it would be so helpful at this stage of the game.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)


Kendall Craig wrote 926 days ago

I thought that this was unusual and interesting from the pitch. The style of writing is absorbing because it is kind of easy going and explains things in a clear and concise way, I didn't realise how much I had read, and just got right into it. I like the way you name characters with a label like FU and preppy and I am sure we will come across more of these in time. There is also intrigue as to what happened to change George.
My tip would be to just change the appearance of the pitch - maybe broken into paragraphs with a line space as this seems to make it more appealing to read on the computer screen.
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

riantorr wrote 93 days ago

This is a great title :) RianTorr

JKass wrote 107 days ago

The pitch is great. the read is funny, engrossing, and strong.

ScottTrimas wrote 119 days ago

Wow, what a short and to the point plot, I loved how you described your book in such few words.
Thanks,
Scott

AuroraNemesis wrote 119 days ago

An engrossing read, with lots of humour.
I found your characters mesmerising and was drawn into their personalities, which I found believable and honest.
Your plot is very persuasive and has great hooks that compel the reader to turn the page and devour more.
The plot is well thought out and I can see you have thought long and hard about your market and have met their needs.
The dialogue adds colour to your scenes and dimension to the narrative as a whole.
The tone of your writing and voice are fluent and crisp.
Your story reads like a satire and I have to say I really enjoyed the read and would recommend you to others.
Well done.

a.morrison712 wrote 128 days ago

AMERICAN WITCH

Here is my portion of our first chapter read swap. As I tell everyone, just take what rings true of the critique and pitch the rest. Only you know what will work best for the story. Also, I don’t comment on grammar. I don’t feel that qualified and others on Autho are much better at that than I am. Anyways, I love the title. It’s what initially drew me to your story. And your LP and SP are well done. Okay, now on to your first chapter...

CH 1

This is full of pacy dialogue that drives the plot forward. I enjoyed that. It read well, and the characters are starting to develop well throughout the course of this first chapter. There is something quirky and fun about the way you write. I can’t quite put my finger on the quality that you have in your writing that makes me want to read on. I think it’s the creative ways you use to describe what is going on in the story. I’ve not seen anything quite like it on Autho. I always enjoy running across an author who makes the story a fun read. That’s so important. Highly starred. Good luck with this!

Best,

Ashley

orma wrote 149 days ago

Paranormal thread. Orma
Well that was absolutely nothing like I was expecting from American Witch!
My expectations were of the generic witch-type story.
This is in a league of its own.
George is quite a character as is the landlord and Chessy. These are exceptional characters. Each very different.
As to where the plot is going, I have no idea, but that didn't bother me as the story drags you along with it.
You have quite an imagination and a turn of phrase I've never heard before.
American Witch is quirky, sad, funny and entertaining.
I wish you good luck with your unique and witty story.

A G Chaudhuri wrote 183 days ago

Dear Rosalind,
Sometimes, the sentences were too long. Nevertheless, this is a well written piece. I did not find it overtly funny, but certainly quite engaging. However, the effect brought about by amusing characters and good dialogue was somewhat marred by a slightly convoluted non-linear narrative. That long one-sided rambling of the landlord did not work for me and made me want to kill the old queen... anyway, 6 stars from me. Keep churning out the good stuff.
I’m surprised that in spite of the fantastic short and long pitches and the obviously quirky main text, more people haven’t noticed this yet. Are you sure you’re promoting this the right way, to the right readers? Ironically, we are practitioners of an art-form whose success is measured only in terms of commerce. Hence, the pressing need for self-promotion. It’s sad, but true.
Best regards,
AGC.

karen 19 wrote 184 days ago

Your pitch is good and I have had this on my W/L for weeks on the strength of it.

George and his coven are interesting characters, as are the supporting cast who are all well described. Set against the backdrop of an L.A. coffeehouse, I found this to be an easy and enjoyable read. After 3 chapters, I am wondering what happened in Palmdale that put George in such a sorry state and unable to function in society any more (until I remember he's the only witch Jesus ever saved, from your pitch).

The idea that George is being haunted by the landlord's dead lover is interesting, but why, if he's a witch, is George afraid of spirit? (especially as the landlord describes him as such a sweet soul). I'm sure this is explained as you read further, but it was one aspect of the unfolding, really quite engrossing story that made me wonder a little.

It may be the American language, but I think you could benefit from a little (minimal) editing and one example is in chapter 2 where the para starts:
George really didn't want to go to the party. People at parties made him nervous anymore.
I think this would read a lot better if you left out the word anymore, or something like, - people at parties made him nervous these days/nowadays.

This is an entertaining book with a great setting for a story about witches as I know this is a trend on the West Coast.

Highly starred and shelved
Karen 19
The Way Things Are

Philthy wrote 199 days ago

Hi Rosalind,

I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken so long to get here, but here I am :). Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

I rarely say this, because I’m stubborn and picky about pitches, but I really like your short pitch. Short, active tense, fits the comedy genre, and is a good hook.

In the long pitch, I’m not sure how I feel about that run-on sentence, but the language is good.

“the faces he’s worn” makes me sort of think he’s some sort of sick serial killer.

Why is “Bad Thing Happened” in all caps?

This is a really good pitch. I think some of it could be taken out, as you don’t need all this backstory in a pitch, but overall, nicely done.

Chapter one

The opening paragraph is kind of weak. Don’t disregard the significance of your opportunity to hook the reader with those first couple of lines. A good first-line hook might be, “George was desperate” and then detail the situation. You’re the author. You know best, but that’s just a suggestion to consider.

I don’t like the word “sprawled” here. Usually it would be “was sprawled.”

Now, the topic of the first couple paragraphs IS a good hook, leaving the reader to go, “What the hell???” lol
“George felt himself sinking into a deep pit of despair.” This is a well-placed line, but I think you can do more with it. Maybe, “George sunk deeper into his chair with every word, while his stomach twisted with a sense of despair.” Lol I dunno. Again, I don’t mean to write this for you. The only reason I think I’m doing this is because your ideas are really intriguing me and I can’t help myself. :D

I love the quirkiness of the characters and your voice is effective. You have a strong sense of timing as to when to use long sentences and when to throw the reader off with short, choppy sentences. It seems deliberate and it keeps the reader on his/her toes. The voice and character dialogues are what I love most. More specifically, I like the characters’ reactions to those dialogues. There were a few spots where a scrubbing might be in order, but nothing drastic. Plus, I think the imagery could be amped up a bit, but overall a very nice piece of work.
Best of luck with this! High stars.

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)


Pete A wrote 202 days ago

American Witch

Usual disclaimer: this is one person’s subjective view.

Short Pitch: Great

Long Pitch: There’s lots of good stuff in this but that’s a problem. It doesn’t read like a sales pitch, which is what they are supposed to be, but a laundry list of weird stuff. It’s all great weird stuff as I said but it just goes on and on. I would try and précis this into a couple of paragraphs of sharp advert.

Main text: This reads very easily indeed. I only tripped up, editorially, here and there on the few sentences where I felt judiciously placed commas would help, or where a sentence seemed to run on a little. For example, that paragraph about George’s apartment needs a bit of attention. And the one beginning: “The drizzly winter morning…” seems to have a verb missing.

You conjure a world of strange individuals here, living in a penumbral environment of shadowy oddballs. My feeling was that, despite your sure linguistic touch, the flow of your text became a little convoluted. For example, a great big ‘memory’ sequence about the landlord and a slightly confused return to a head-banging George. And yet your second chapter manages a somewhat more conventional narrative flow. I’d be inclined to re-examine the transitions in that first chapter with a view to making them slightly clearer.

Bad Karma wrote 209 days ago

What.


And you call me trippy. I really do like this, though. This critique is coming a few days after my last reading, but I honestly have nothing bad to say about it. There are aspects of the writing that I generally would criticize, but with this particular subject in this particular manner, they strengthen, rather than subtract.

Now, I didn't exactly find it funny. I found it quite engaging and entertaining, but there wasn't much I saw in the way of legitimate comedy. Is this a bad thing? I wouldn't say so, as quirkiness is just as valid as standard humor when it comes to comedic works. Regardless of its lack of LOL moments, the dialogue was amusing, I love the characters, particularly the landlord; I am so glad that you broke away from that "crotchety Romanian ballbuster" trope, as it is just too overused nowadays. This is something I could see myself reading simply because I want to instead of doing it as a contractual return-read obligation, which likely means that I WILL get around to finishing all of it and giving you a full critique. You should promote it a bit more to get a new audience; it seems a waste to allow this to languish with two-year old comments and a sub-4k rating!

Marcus Fisch wrote 692 days ago

Laugh out loud narrative. Brilliant idea.
Backed with pleasure
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

yasmin esack wrote 770 days ago

This an acquired taste and moves to fast for me. But i like George and i will back this on originality. Seems very American and not written for a wide aging audience.

Backed

carlashmore wrote 771 days ago

Ha. For a moment, I thought the 108 256 words was part of ths story. Anyway, this is fantastically crafted stuff. It was genuinely funny and quite sardonic at times. Your voice is very strong yet never impinges on the clickness with which you tell your story. I enjoyed the four chapters I read enormously
Carl
The Time Hunters

Burgio wrote 772 days ago

This is a wild read. I used to live just outside L.A. so I recognized your settings. Made me feel at home to read this. George is a great character. Dialogue is good. He's strange in many ways but his differences make him sympathetic. Made me want to keep reading to see how this story is going to end. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Aimee Fry wrote 784 days ago

Written very well with clear potential. I enjoyed this a lot and it's not often a book in this genre does that. I hope this is a great success for you as it truly deserves to be. I have to say I loved the 'orders Porshes like pizzas.' in your pitch!

Backed with pleasure,
Aimee
His Pride, Her Prejudice

gerry01 wrote 784 days ago

Hi. I like this story and will probably read it all. Sometimes I felt there could be more dialogue. You might reveal more of the plot through it. The narrative is a little long at times. Maybe don't give too much information at the beginning. All the best with it. Gerry

Ferret wrote 784 days ago

I like this. It's jolly, literate and cynical. Good luck.

Beval wrote 784 days ago

A strong charactor driven plot with some good dialogue. I was highly amused by the tatoo and the reactions of the tourists.
Backed

Tim Hawken wrote 787 days ago

This is good. Lots of in depth characters and a strong plot.

A couple of minor suggestions:

Chapter 1: I'd maybe start with the description of 'preppy guy' first and then go into him speaking. I kind of felt a bit lost for reference at the beginning. Best to set the scene first.

Chapter 2: Your first four paragraphs all start with 'George.' Aside from being a touch repetitive it just looks a little odd on the page itself.

I haven't gotten through all of this, it's HUGE! But on my watchlist for further reading.

Regards

Tim H
Hellbound

lionel25 wrote 788 days ago

Rosalind, I enjoyed the first chapter. Good mix of narrative and dialogue. Nothing to nitpick.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Owen Quinn wrote 789 days ago

Well written, thepitchhooked me immediately. Jesus saved a witch and he has a tattoo to declare it. unusual draws me in and I'm well and truly in.

Cameron Sinclair wrote 799 days ago

Funny, funny stuff. this was really good to read. The only small thing I have to say is that there is a few huge paragraphs here. I think a little cutting down would help the pace a bit. Otherwise a top effort. Backed.

Famlavan wrote 801 days ago

Great pitches.

This is very funny and well written (Grrr) I love how you develop your MC, situation comedy with great dialogue. This very, very (one more for luck) very good – Good luck

Hatts wrote 801 days ago

Great pitch and cover. First two chapters are well paced and funny. Backed with pleasure
Good luck
Hatts

Bamboo Promise wrote 801 days ago

your pitch makes me laugh. Great writing. You have 2 thinks that attracted the readers. It is just from my opinion. I love to back your book and wish the best. Bamboo Promise

Esrevinu wrote 802 days ago

There is good writing—stylish. I appreciate the snappy dialogue; it gives the story a good pace. You have a talent for pulling back the layers to reveal the core of the story. As a whole, I found the book thoroughly suspenseful.
Job well done
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

DKTD1 wrote 803 days ago

Funny and original.

Shelved.
Dan-
Eunice Stubbins, among others...

lizjrnm wrote 804 days ago

This is so original I have to back it and besides it is well written and polished! BACKED
Liz
The Cheech Room

missyfleming_22 wrote 807 days ago

This is awesome! You've got some vividly real characters that really stick with the reader. It made me laugh quite a bit, you have a way with words and it really works! Just a great, original story!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

udasmaan wrote 810 days ago

Poor Goerge. What a great start. I really feel for George, well it shows your power of writing. incredible. backed with pleasure.

shah - the interpreter

pinkcoffee wrote 811 days ago

Thoroughly enjoyed. I wish you the very best of luck with your book. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

Francesco wrote 811 days ago

A superior page turner.
Backed!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a read of your book.

LittleDevil wrote 813 days ago

Backed - how could I not back George the WItch?
Would appreciate you looking at A Boy Called George before midnight if possible. My fingertips are hurting trying to hold on to the desk.
Thank you
Sue x

bonalibro wrote 818 days ago

Rosalind

You really shouldn't give up on this, it's a worthwhile effort, and you clearly put a lot of work into it.

George is a great character, sporting his tattoo, drawing hateful stares from the tourists, angering his coven, servicing his landlord for the cut rate rent. He represents our lost generations of youth doing meaningless stuff in the service economy.

Just signing on every few days to recycle the file is enough to keep it moving forward, that and returning backings got me to 150 or so. I'm going to stick it on my shelf to give you some encouragement.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Jesse Hargreave wrote 832 days ago

Backed January 20.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

nboving wrote 833 days ago

Rosalind.
Readers are in for a wild ride with "American Witch". The only witch Jesus saved is enough to make anyone want to find out more. I think the strength of this is really the great dialogue: it comes at us like a machinegun.

Happy to back this.

Nicholas ("The Warlock")

MickR wrote 884 days ago

Rosalind,
If I had to come up with a single word to describe American Witch, it would be unique.
I'm guessing this could be both good and bad. Unique when dealing with any kind of art, is a good thing.
Unique when dealing with the great literary machine, maybe not as appealing. I hope you can find a publilsher for this as it is very good, but I dare say the big publishing houses won't get it.
Wishing you good luck,
MickR - The NIghtcrawler

Francis Albert McGrath wrote 888 days ago

I was thinking more "American Psycho" now "American Witch." I think it's always a bad idea to open with dialogue (like coming into a room in which a conversation is already in place... perhaps set the scene with a paragraph of narrative description of the low rise office building.) Your pitch reads like a pitch for a tv series! This is a very professional piece of writing... it's quirky, humorous, and ... most importantly, DIFFERENT. Any editor should give this a read on the basis of the pitch and the first few chapters.
Shelved.
Frank

Jeanne Bannon wrote 889 days ago

Hi - this is good. It drew me in and kept my interest. One thing - you tend to overuse 'George' and it's a bit distracting, but otherwise, I'm happy to shelve you for a time.

Jeanne (Dark Angel)

zil wrote 891 days ago

Hi Rosalind
Read your short pitch and was as drawn to this as a starving stressed fed-up woman is to chocolate! Long pitch had me chuckling so i thought i'd give it a go.
Wow! Glad i did! Funny without making me laugh so much i can't oncerntrait. I instantly feel sorry for George, fancy getting such a daft tattoo! But i am wairy of him, what happened in Palmdale? I have only read to chapter 2, very busy today, but already i know i would buy this.
Just one little pick, your flashback-info-dumps feel a little too long, although very amusing, they distract a bit from the main plot, George. Necessary perhaps, but may pear them down a bit?
Backed because Jesus spared him!
Zil x

Bob Steele wrote 891 days ago

I dived into chapters 8 to 10 of American Witch, and as a result had some trouble catching the drift of the seemingly huge numbers of characters and the storyline.However, this has the flavour of the sort of epic tale that many lovers of this genre will go for, and so I'm happy to back it.
For the editor, I'd suggest weeding out some ungrammatical sentences [eg The cracked panel of red glass (- no verb)] and some very long and complex ones [like the opening sentences of C9] both of which make the read harder work and more fragmented than it needs be. I'd also echo other comments about the huge chunks of narrative - a bit like a continuous brain-dump that would be easier going if you broke it up with some dialogue. Just one opinion, of course! Good luck.

LN wrote 892 days ago

Hello Rosalind,

Good strong writing. Great concept.
The only nit-pick .......... huge chunks of text. If you could just split it into smaller paras.
Shelved with pleasure.

lalit navani ( femme fatale )

Helena wrote 892 days ago

Hi Rosalind, this is a really interesting premise. George is a good character, he's not too sure of himself and this comes across really well. He is searching for something but I don't think he knows what that is. I was sure from reading it whether he was having an affair with his landlord or not but the blurb says he has a girlfriend. Chessy is a nice touch and like how the idea of him haunts people, he is almost like an invisible character in your story and that works well. I'd like to know more about the Coven and who they are, I'll will have to make time to read on for this. I enjoyed the read and it's on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Cato Sulla wrote 893 days ago

Highly original and you have a strong MC in George. Enjoyed the four chapters I read. Bravo!

Bob (Auctoratus)

Lockjaw Lipssealed wrote 896 days ago

Rosalind, I think you have a fun story going here. You do very well at bringing your characters to life and creating your settings. That said, I think you could work on the flow of the writing....including dialogue.

S Richard Betterton wrote 896 days ago

Thi is great, Rosalind. George is an immediately likeable mc and the secondary characters are well portrayed too - great names helps with that - Warlock Bob, Goth Boy, Darlene - love 'em! The humour courses through the story as well - I smiled openly on many occasions. I did notice one typo in chap 1: confidant (confident) witch, but apart from that, it's well worthy of a shelf.
Cheers,
Simon (Back to Life)

soutexmex wrote 897 days ago

I'm with Simon as this is worthy enough of a SHELVING.

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

nboving wrote 897 days ago

I'll really go with the flow here. A witch who makes you laugh? That's got to be a switch. Well-written, irreverent and snappy dialogue. I'm only a few chapters in - four to be precise - but I know it's gpoing to be a very enjoyable read. Poor George: so mixed up. I hope I do find out who the real George is.

Backed with pleasure.

Nicholas ("The Warlock") - on a more serious note.

Jupiter Echoes wrote 898 days ago

First, American Ninja. Now, American witch. Coming to a cinema near you.

You know it is going to be good when the pitch makes you laugh. But stepping in, I was suprised that I was not inundated by quick, snappy jokes, plays on words, and the type of humour that dries up by chapter 4. No.... i had a slow step into something that was reality, humuourous reality, about a guy with I AM A WITCH tatooed on his shoulder, with a pentegram. Fucking funny.

BACKED


ps... get published... i want this book

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