Long Gone

This is a well crafted piece of work! I love the shifting perspective and the pacing is perfect! You have a gift for suspense and I am totally sucked in- I will be back for more tonight but for now - BACKED with pleasure! Great Read - I'd buy this book!

Liz
The Cheech Room

JE, your prologue was very realistic and the first chapter has great true-to-life dialogue. My only nit, which is not really one, has to do with the omission of an unneeded "that." ...which meant (that) it wasn't a wild goose chase.

Sincerely backed.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Just read the beginning and chapter 10. I guess you've had enough comments on the first chapters. The dialogue is authentic and characters well drawn. Just how you would expect a published novel to progress.
Happy to shelve this
Best wishes
Sue
A Boy Called George (please take a look if you have time)

The opening phone call transcript works very well. I think.

Then we get the investigating officer. Police procedural stuff. Good way to find out what's going on and builds up the tension and the mystery.

Then Trooper Benson.

What i like is that you get the different voices right, even in the phone call transcript. It has a chilling verisimilitude.

Very, very good indeed. Shelved.

Nick
"Mirror In The Sky" (if you feel like flying past)

BACKING you. I can use your comments on my book if you can spare the time. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I think it comes across very well on all counts. Right tone, good pacing. Very polished.

Loved this right from the premise. Definitely makes me want to read all of it. Good job! :D

First off I'll answer your questions:
1) Does the shifting perspectives work? Yes
2) Is it too repetitive? No
3) How is the pacing? Spot on
4) Does everything make sense? Yes

Bart comes across as smart, professional and interesting. He's complex and wounded. Your descriptions are effective. They liven up your story and make the events much more vivid. Your dialogue sounds authentic and is relevant. You've done a masterful job of changing the voice with each character. Your narrative adds depth and dimension to your characters. Great details, like the husband 'who danced from foot to foot, his eyes desperately afraid.' Your pacing is spot on for my tastes. This is a captivating police procedural. Backed.

Backed January 20.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

This is a well written thriller and we are keen to find out what has happened to the wife.

‘and had large’ – I would start a new sentence here ‘His large, popping blue eyes were unable…’ girls have blonde hair.
The husband could not have know what his wife was wearing since he had not seen her that day – ‘I know officer Ben got it from your father’ – not likely.

I enjoyed reading the first few chapters and I think you have built realistic and likable characters. I was a bit confused with the prologue and I will send my thoughts in a message so it does not clog your book.

I am happy to back your book.

Tony
Life Bringer

It all works. The different perspectives on the same part of the story make it understandable. Without them, it would be confusing. The pace is good and makes the book easy to read. I like the first person narratives. The story line makes sense. Really well done. I have read all that you uploaded and I still don't know what happened to Caroline. It would interesting to see how the story evolves and how it ends. Thank you writing Long gone.

I thought this was a really clever book. Once I got used to the changing voices I realised just how clever, everyone gives you the next clue. Its rather like playing a game, remembering where everything is hidden in order to win the prize.
The voices are different, which must have been hard to achieve, but I think by and large you've brought it off. I loved the way they all observed each other observing the "crime", that was amazing.
I wish I'd had a map of the burb, so I could see how the houses related to each other, but that is a minor thing and I know the no pictures rule here.
It did all make sense, I thought it was excellent and I'd dearly love to know what has happened to this woman, I have a theory, but I suspect everyone reading this will have a theory, please, please dodn't make it to easy, I know I want to be wrong. I want to be left open mouthed by the perfectly reasonable but wholly unexpected end to this.
Wonderful.
Backed.

Hey JE.
specifically to answer your 4 questions:
1. shifting perspective works well, as it's clear who it is, especially with the chap titles. 3rd person wouldn't give you such scope. With the phone calls, they're like snapshots, and pov, at least for me, doesn't really matter.
2. I got no feeling of repetition (in the first 3 chaps) - the repeated phone calls ramp up the tension.
3. Pace: rapid start, then slows, but I thought that was fine.
4. As far as I read, yes, it all made sense, or I trust that it will.
Good stuff, very enjoyable. Backed.
Cheers,
Simon

I'm not experienced to offer much on your questions in your pitch. All I can say is this is a good and interesting read. I personally like shifting perspectives as long as theres enough destinction in the voice to sound convincing.
Enjoyed and backed.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

Dear JE Fritz,

You have a fun profile name and pic, and thank you for sharing your story with us. Your short pitch and first paragraph of your long pitch are great, so much so I’m not even sure you need the following two paragraphs of your long pitch. I like how you start your story with the emergency calls. Your transition to first person is smooth, and I like your narrator’s thoughts which seem apt for a detective. In fact, they’re chilling and detached and build tension. His regrets over his daughter build sympathy. Great description of the husband, and great dialog flow.

In my fallible opinion, one of the key elements that makes your mystery interesting is that the mother vanished from the house while the daughter was upstairs, not hearing anything. I hope you’ll add this to at least your long pitch.

Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

P.S.: I have a BS degree too. Nothing has inspired me as much to write as science lectures.

Long Gone:

Hi, JE. I found this an interesting read, but was surprised to see chapters with different povs, as I hadn't read your full pitch. I'd thought Bart Polaski was going to be the MC. Also I wanted to know who was with Nora when she made the 911 call, but I'm assuming we'll find out in a later chapter?

Your writing is very good and I definitely want to see what happened to Nora's mother. Will back this first and come back to find answers to my questions. :)

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Hi, JE. Now this is different. The story told from different perspectives. Interesting. The dialog explains what's going on very well. I like defining dialog better than narration. I also like mystery, so this has a leg-up from the start...haha.
Read through chapter 4 so didn't really get into the meat of it. But I'm seeing competent writing, descriptive characters and excellent dialog. The pitch promises a good story, and from what I've read, you'll have no trouble carrying it off. Deserves backing. On my shelf. Best of luck with it, JE.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

A very readable book. Interesting plot, a wide range of diverse characters. The fact that each character has a chapter, or for some of them more than one chapter, to tell their own part of the story in the first person, works, as first person narrative usually does, to bring each of them more fully alive. I admire the skill with which you manage reasonably different voices for each, which must have taken some doing! You ask if the story makes sense or is too repetitive. It makes sense, and I thought that mostly you kept the repetition to a minimum. Just occasionally, when you tell the same bit of the story from a different point of view, you might cut a bit, such as when you repeat what Pulaski and Benson say to each other after their separate interviews. But generally speaking, each person's story adds fresh information rather than repeats things we already know. This is a skillfully written book which moves at a good pace. You keep the mystery going with enough in the way of hints, clues, and new information to make the reader keep turning the pages. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Hi,

I was pulled into the story from the beginning. I love crime thrillers so it's right up my alley. The writing is excellent and the story flows at a good pace. I like your characters too and the father does seem to be a bit of a mystery. On my shelf.

Carol

Hi,
I liked this a lot, very professionally written and engaging right from the start - shelved

I read through to #6. The only thing I didn't like was the overlap between #2 and #3. But it didn't spoil the book for me, so its not a major thing.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Kind of like the way you have written this. Has a gritty down to earth feel. If I smoked I might light up a cigar, put my feet up and turn the lights down as I read. That's the kind of feel it had for me. Easy writing, to be mulled over.

Something that made me wonder-
‘I came in, she was there fixing herself something for lunch....'

Later you write

‘You said your mom was going to pick up your dad at the airport, but did she have any other plans? May be lunch with a friend?'

Didn't she already fix herself lunch? A grilled cheese. Perhaps she could go for the cop should suggest coffee instead of lunch.

Good luck with this and on my shelf
Connie

Long Gone has an intriguing pitch with great promise, and an author's note that warns of multiple perspectives that conflict. The former promise is not altogether fulfilled because the latter one is - if you get my drift. You evoke your characters and their situations with skill, so I have no doubts about your ability to write well. But your shifting points of view and discontinuities were to me just a barrier between me and the story, and I couldn't figure out why an author would deliberately set out to make life difficult for the reader. A MC that I can identify with would be a good start.
I'm happy to back this for the quality of the writing and the potential of the story, but I reckon the editor should have a long hard look at how to provide links and/or a smoother narrative flow to help the reader sustain interest in the underlying story. All the best.

Hi JE, I enjoyed this story I think the different points of view is interesting, the only thing is it makes the piece move slower and we experience the same things a few times. For example by chapter 8 we are still at the crime scene which I feel should be well behind us at this stage. I think its well written though and a really gripping story, I really want to find out what happened to her. I enjoyed this read. Its backed. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

J E
I'm not sure if the multiple POV is going to succeed... this is very difficult to pull off - even for a professional author - probably best not attempted by a beginner. It's experimental and a lot can go wrong. It is handing editors a reason to reject you. You're too good a writer to give them that opportunity. Now, when we get to ch 2, we have the real voice - the core voice of the jaded cop. The only problem is, we don't know where the hell all this action is happening. You need to ground it a bit, so we know what street, town, State we're in - and also the time of year. That way, the reader can build a background picture in his head as the story proceeds. In the absence of a backdrop (which you can easily create with a little narrative) the characters are performing on a white stage.
Having said all that, you write very well, and I have no doubt I will be back to this again to see how it is doing.
Frank

Hi J E, The dialogue was clever at the beginning and quickly got me into the second chapter. I like the structure and the police officers each having their POV, the speculation increased with the neighbors and their thoughts. Oh-oh, I want to flip to the back chapters but I've appreciated the style and all the particulars here. It's an enticing book that has me gauging these characters. The writing doesn't favor anyone and demonstrates the downfalls and credibility of each person involved. A page-turner! Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi JE!

I'm here for our read swap, and your profile directed me to this book rather than the other, so here is where I shall start!

Pitch - very good, efficient use of words, yet details the overarching storyline very well! I like your use of questions at the end - it engages the reader, makes them want to dive into the book to find out the answers. Well done.

I saw your note at the end of the pitch regarding the multiple perspectives. I think you've handled the switching POV expertly. The two emergency calls at the beginning are frantic (as it should be for the storyline), but easy to figure out early on that the second one is coming from another person. And each of the subsequent chapters (I'm at number four now) begin with the character's POV that is being written from, so I didn't find this confusing in the least.

Your writing style is fluid, gripping - perfect for the crime thriller you are tackling. Dialogue is tight, POVs are all very distinctive. I think you've done an excellent job here! I'm happy to back this and look forward to watching it climb the charts!

Kim
Invisible Justice

This is interesting an unusual - kind of film script-ish at first, then it turns into a sort of noir detective novel in chapter 2. I have to say I really like it the juxtaposition. Backed.

What a great pitch! That is enough in itself to back! I would buy a book like this in an instant and I am gonna read it all! Great going JE!
Simon

Mystery to be is like a drug; I have to know what is going on. All YOU need to do is write to a reasonable standard, and not do a poor job of the plot. Well, that is done, and more. This is an original take on the genre, and carries some great concepts with it. I like the documentary ish feel to this; it should appeal to many others too.

Andrew

I'm full of admiration for this very clever plot. You've an incredible eye for detail, and I like the way you use different POVs to give us other views of what is going on. It's intriguiging and hugely exciting. I can actually see this as a brilliant radio play because you invoke so much atmosphere, and the different POVs would be more obvious when portrayed by different voices. I think this will do very well, and I'm delighted to back it. Best wishes, Tony.

You've got a'Cracker' style murder mystery going on. It's weaving an intricate web and fingers are going to be pointed and insinuations made throughout. Don't know what happened to Carolyn but I've enjoyed it this far.
Backed

I've always liked novels with contradictory POVs but do think they need to be handled with care. I really like your writing but I do worry that there are just too many POVs here and that you will lose the reader's attention without care. Also, it's taking a very long time to move the story forward and we do need a bit more pace. For example, the chapters giving Pulaski and Benson's rendition of the interview cover so much similar ground..
What I love with this technique is when we suddenly have a shock - when our world and perspective is turned around - Sarah Waters does this superbly and an early master of it is Lawrence Durrell. But they keep us with one character for much longer.
I do really like the way you write and I thought the first segment with the phone calls was great. You build character well and on the whole are darn good at showing, not telling (though I would lose the 'very distraught' father - SHOW us how he's distraught). Only other nitpick is St Christopher's Medal (no cap M needed).
I hasten to add that my comments are just my personal take on this. I get the feeling you're turning the reader into the detective here - letting us piece through the clues. It's clever - but is it engaging enough? I've read everything you've posted and I'm still not sure.
benefit of the doubt though - backed.
Jane
WALKER

JE

Your opening paragraph under Detective Bart Pulaski, more of less summarized the prologue....Well actually, it did summartize it.......

I went to a Writers Conference ....A Literary Agent gave a speech on 'How not to Present a Manuscript' top of the list was never to open with dialogue....Its like walking into a room, the television is on but the picture has gone out....

You're leaving the reader to craft the scene themselves by not creating a setting....ie. Who was home, how Nora discovered her mom was missing, what made her call.......and then start the dialogue. If that's what the good and the great think, then its easy enough to deliver.....

C1 & C2, brilliant....Honestly, loved it....You;ll do well with this...I;m sure

Shelved

Interesting premise. I like how this is unique in the style and offers that touch of intrigue that keeps you reading.

This has a nice cinematic touch. I can easily see this becoming a screenplay and can picture Nora being questioned by the police officer. Also, your dialogue is terrific -- true to each character. You have the cop talking like a cop would talk, and Nora talking like a teenager would talk. Very well done. Finally, the use of different POVs is a good technique. Keeps the reader interested and also gives you a chance to develop each character. For instance, in chapter 2, the inner monologue the cop has is very revealing of who he is and what his priorities are. Very well done. Shelved.

The beginning is marvelous. The 911 call is a perfect hook.
Personally I have always thought waiting 24 hours to report someone is balony. It sort of pisses me off.
Regardless your story sets off on the right foot.
The Detective's voice is professional and to the point, no beating about the bush you lie the facts right out in front of us.
This is good. A great hook is the theme, where did the mother go?
I see you only have this marked as fiction, perhaps throw a different tag on it...like thriller or crime.
Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking eleanor

Long Gone

Hi JE,

The phone call opening and then the stream of consciousness first person POV kicks this off at a flying pace, very good, gripping writing. Good, simple title as well. I understand that the law says people have to wait 24 hours before reporting someone missing but this seems a little harsh, after all, it seems that Paul has good cause to suspect something very bad has happened to his wife. The story powers along with a great focus on the unfolding events. I sometimes found the stream of consciousness digresses a little distracting, they were there to add character detail I am sure, but I found that they got in the way of my enjoyment and engagement with the story. Flipping the POV like that was also disorientating at times, I know you say that is deliberate, but there was a slight danger that it chops up the narrative too much for us to truly engage with. But perhaps it is better to finish the whole thing first and then go back and see how much confluence you need to establish across the whole narrative to make it flow. Anyway, these are small nitpicks, generally extremely strong work and I have no hesitation in backing this. If you have the time to take a peek at my book it would be so helpful at this stage of the game.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

I liked this, very realistic, believable, interesting. Not fast moving, the reverse but al the more realism. I liked the cop doing the interviewing and talking to us the reader at the same time. I want to back this.
BADD

Hooking opening with the phone call and the police procedure is authentic.

Great pace and smooth prose. This would be something I would pick up and read...

My only suggestion is add a genre, even if you are not sure where to place it, you may find you generate interest with a genre.. crime or thriller?

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

JE,
Okay, the phone call opening is original and there is some tension built about the missing woman, but then we go seven more chapters with six different characters in first person. The problem with this approach is we have no protagonist. Readers want to climb into one body and become part of the story, but it reads like seven different perspectives of the same thing without advancing the plot. The reader has no one character to empathize or fall in love with. Of course, you have a lot of chapters to go, so it will be interesting to see how you develop the story from here. How about giving us the abductor's view, that might be a little more exciting. If it's a mystery you need to develop Inspector Pulaski as the hero. Good luck with your book.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

I really liked the first part of this book, the immediacy of the phone calls and the apprehension they brought. i found the following chapter in the first person well written but the shortening of the name to Bens for me didn't work too well it just seemed to jar when i read it first and confused me more than added to the chapter. The book has a good plot and i think it has potential to do well and wish you the best of luck with it. Backed.