Foreword from Fanny:
Dear Reader,
It has been some time since I started my successful Celebrity Agony Aunt blog. With the help of my loving and supportive husband Richard I have become a worldwide sensation, offering down-to-earth advice to celebrities and aspiring celebrities around the globe. It is now time for the best of my work to be put into print and marketed with the full force of the publishing industry. I would like to thank each and every one of you for reading my book and pray that I can reach out to your hearts and minds and bring a little Fanny Batter magic into all of your lives.
Love,
Fanny x
Includes advice on:
Drinking – Chapter 1
Pop star life expectancy – Chapter 2
Sean Bean – Chapter 3
How to get published – Chapter 4
Puppies or kittens? – Chapter 5
Bum sex – is it for me? – Chapter 6
Keanu Reeves – Chapter 7
How to become a celebrity – Chapter 8
Funeral songs – Chapter 9
Sexuality – unsure of – Chapter 10
Infanticide – ever acceptable? – Chapter 11
How to be a successful gold-digger – Chapter 12
What would Mariah do? – Chapter 13
Coming out – Chapter 14
Sexuality – unsure of someone else’s – Chapter 15
Sex or chocolate – which is best? – Chapter 16
Domestic violence – Chapter 17
Drugs – Chapter 18
Teenagers – how to cope – Chapter 19
Mother-in-law from Hell – Chapter 20
Noise abatement – Chapter 21
Epitaphs – chapter 22
Drinking
Dear Fanny,
I have been depressed for several months after splitting up with my wife. She ran off with our next-door neighbour’s twenty-one year old son.
I hoped that she would get bored of him and come back to me, but she hasn’t and I have consoled myself by drinking heavily and crying all night.
We had no children and I wonder if that was where it went wrong, perhaps if we had started a family we would have stayed together.
I miss her so much and I don’t know how I am going to get through this, my only comfort is my memories and the drink.
Please help me Fanny, I feel terrible.
Yours,
‘Michael’
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Fanny says:
Dear ‘Michael’,
I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage breakdown. It is very sad.
It’s not unusual to become depressed when a relationship breaks down. It is easy to turn to drink at such times, but drinking is not the answer and will make you more depressed.
You should seek comfort elsewhere. Being a drunk is hardly the best way to entice your estranged wife back. I bet the twenty-one year old is too busy humping her to stop for a quick beer, his taut young muscular body glistening with sweat as he goes in for another round. She probably hasn’t got the strength to lift a wine-glass with all the sex they’re having. And there’s you sat at home, alone, drinking yourself into lonely oblivion. Rather pathetic.
Channel your grief into anger. Start going to the gym or join a gun club or start learning a deadly martial art, anything that allows you to work out your grief and aggression in a positive way. Imagine shooting them both or driving a lorry over them, visualise the pulverisation of their love. It will liberate you. Please don’t actually murder them though; there is, after all, a slim chance that she will get fed up of shagging him and come crawling back to you. If she does what do you want her to find – a depressed drunk or a lean, mean fighting machine?
Better still, in your new contented state of mind, pull yourself an even younger bird. Your wife has got a twenty-one year old, so you get an eighteen-year old. What’s good for the goose and all that. Or an older, richer woman, for example an internationally renowned agony aunt. Anything that will annoy your wife and tempt her back. And if she does come back, tell her to get lost. You don’t need her. You are a strong attractive man and it is her loss, after all what has a twenty-one year old hunk got that you haven’t? Besides his youth, physique, stamina, looks, personality and sobriety?
It’s a good job you have no children or she would have dumped them on you as well.
Make sure your next relationship is with a good woman. If she is a bit ugly or fat then she will be more grateful and less likely to run off with another man. Choose her well and treat her well.
If your wife does come back and you do resume your marriage move away from any attractive young men, so she is not tempted again. Perhaps live on an uninhabited island or in Wales, where the men are preoccupied with their sheep and will not pay her any attention. If she starts cavorting with other men again then you will have to dump her I’m afraid, she is a loose woman and there is no cure. Such a Jezebel will never change; only give her one second chance, no more. If she can she will drag your heart through the gutter past the dog ends and down the drain, you mustn’t let her do it, ‘Michael’. Be strong. Forgive her once but make it clear that it’s her last and only chance. If she loves you she will be true. If she can’t keep her hands off that twenty-one year old, leave her to it and get on with your own life. There’s plenty more pebbles on the beach and they’re not all slutty bitches.
Yours,
Fanny x
Ps. Will send you my phone number if you would like me to ‘console’ you some more ;-)