Zarrell the Great

Hi Haggies. Excellent work. Are you still on the site?
Best wishes, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Hi Haggies. Excellent work. Are you still on the site?
Best wishes, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Hi Haggies. Excellent work. Are you still on the site?
Best wishes, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

hi, not my normal read by a country mile but speeds along nicely. not qualified enough in this genre to comment more, but certainly has commercial promise.

Moody, atmospheric and dialogue that whips along at pace. I can totally see that there would be an audience out there, those too old for potter who want something with a little more muscle.
Backed
Bailey of the Saints

Promises to be classic fantasy with an epic feel, following a boy destined to be great. Good work and good luck!

John Wickey
Future's End

A great coming of age story for youngsters who would be thrilled by it. Best of luck.

Haggies,
Zarrell makes for a compelling teen story.
I was about 12 when I badly desired to be trained at a monastery to be a master of the bow/staff. My 12 year old self loves this!
Chapter two - you wrote "to an fro" I think you meant to-and-fro
and then along comes Eve...nice.
This is great fun.
I wish you the best of luck with it.
-=Bradley

Zarrell the Great.

Yea, Zarrell centainly isn’t like other children to rarely cry and sleep all through the night. If only,eh?

I’m amazed you wrote this in only three months, it takes me that long to find a darn pencil. :o.

Although this is not what I’d normally read you did hold my interest through the first two chapters, and I can see your target audience loving it.

On my shelf for a spin.

cáit :o)

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

Easy on the eye - a cross between Conan the Barbarian and Kung fu. Cool dialogue, a winner

Backed

Kev

I liked the way, following the death of his mother, Zarrell is drawn. We wonder at things untold about his parents and then you observe Zarrell closely, from his youth with the monks and, via crisp dialogue, his friendship with Tobias.
Your treatment of setting, the atmospheric monastery which you make it easy to picture and your use of dialogue to draw the individuality of your characters, together with the promise of your storyline, all make me want to read on. Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Zarrell the Great

Haggies,

You have a good premise here, and this promises to be an action packed adventure for teens.

The characters are strong and well drawn, and the prose flows easily.

As it is a first draft, I'm sure you will detect the odd punctuation error when you read it aloud. These are not serious and do not detract from the story, but they need to be fixed.

One small thing I noticed: " . . . as a final breath past his lips . . ." should be: passed his lips.

I think it is amazing that you wrote this so quickly, so keep going, as I think you have a great story on the go.

Backed for promise.

With best wishes, and good luck.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

The storyline for Zarrell the Great reminds me strongly of the classic 'Kung Fu' with David Carradine, and so the first issue is whether your work is distinctive enough to make its own mark. I don't have time to read enough to be sure on that score, but I'm happy to back you on the assumption that it is.
For the editor, I'd suggest there is still quite a bit of work to do to polish this up. Your style involves a lot of telling along the lines of 'though Zarrell did not realise...', and IMHO the narrative would be more compelling if you showed us things through dialogue and action instead. I was often confused by rapid switches of point of view; in C4 for example the opening few paragraphs took me from the omniscient observer into Nathanael's thoughts, then into Tobias's thoughts then into Zarrell's thoughts - I'd suggest you select a POV character [say Zarrell] and stick with his viewpoint through the chapter; he can then only see the feelings/thoughts of others through their actions or their words. Finally, there are a few places where you have jarring repetition [the brothers said their farewells to him... "Farewell, sweet child..."] or strange syntax ['He tread along the forest at impressive speed, not once slowly,...'] These need rooting out. Good luck.

This is written in simple, clear prose (not easy to do) and I can see it delighting to my eight year old.
Shelved.
Frank

Haggies,

dipped into this with trepidation as it's nothing like what I usually like and am pleasantly surprised. I think it will appeal to many, good intro sets the scene nicely, making me want to know what happens next. i may well come back to read more if I have time. Trouble is there is a real danger of spending more time reading than writing now I've found this site! good luck, Maggie P

Haggies,

You’ve gotten off to a great start here. I think this will be a hit among young adults. Who hasn’t at one time or another wanted to be a famous adventure like Gorgan. Zarrell is a wonderful MC that readers will want to root for.

You may want to consider changing your opening line. It’s not as compelling as an opening could be. I didn’t start to feel drawn in until the part about the monks finding the pregnant woman.

Loved the interactions of Eve and Felix.

All and all a great read.

Happy to put this on my shelf.

Laurie – Into The Master’s Lair

Dear Haggies,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m impressed that you only started it this month. Having monks find a pregnant woman in distress starts out your story with a flash flood of poignancy and emotion. Not only will the monks be awkward around the woman, but the reader cannot possibly put your story away until they’ve found out the fate of the lady and her child. My only advice? Bring out that awkwardness, and describe the lady so that you burn her and her plight into the readers' minds. Your description of the monastery would better serve later; hook the reader now with details about the dying woman, her appearance, her words or gasps. This is also a great way to jumpstart sympathy for Zarrell.

Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling
Ghost Warrior, the Stealing

Okay, tell me the truth. When you wrote that scene with Zarell aiming for the bottles while Tobias was standing in front of them, were you watching Wanted?

I jest, I jest.

As usual, you have a poetic voice that I love. I really like the concept of this book, and I love the voice. For nano it is amazing. It obviously needs work, but nothing you aren't capable of doing once the book is finished. I love the story, but in general I would only say that it needs more. Everything does. More of the scene when the monks find his mother. More of his upbringing and how he came to begin his training with Tobias, more of his developing relationship with Eve and more of his internal thoughts and struggles that drive him to become an adventurer. Nothing you cannot do, as you are talented. But that was my biggest thing while I was reading it. I couldn't feel like I was part of the story or that I cared in the characters. The plot and characters need more development (but I'm sure you knew that and will address it in edits)

Overall, great story. You've a delightful imagination. Once this is tweaked, I would love to read it again (and finish it ;) )

Cheers!
Jaime

It was the Top Cow Comics illo that attracted me but it was the writing that kept me reading.
Backed.

Hi Haggies. Great pitch. I'm a sucker for these kind of books. I think, deep down inside, I wish I had been raised by monks to be a great warrior...haha. Only read 3 chapters but enough to see you really got it going. Cool stuff happening here, and if you're writing remains consistent, as good as I've seen so far, I'm sure you'll pull off the rest of it. Tobias is a good character. Not too monkish to identify with.
Ah ha. Here comes Eve. I bet she plays a big part in this. Course Felix ain't too happy...haha.
Chapter 3 - Very good dialog, character development. Yep, little Eve is definitely hooked.
Skipped into it and skimmed around a bit. Looks like you've got a rousing adventure going here, Haggies.
Good job on this in my opinion. On my shelf.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Haggies: I like this, good ole fantasy saga. But I felt the writing was a bit old-fashioned for a YA book: things like 'for she spoke' always put me off (I don't know why, that 'for' just seems a bit naff to me). There's a fair bit of passive voice 'it was in the...', 'were spent holding'; grammar cops think that's a bad thing. One typo in ch 1: after-all -> after all. And in your pitch: monastary -> monastery.

Good potential, though: shelved.

Hi Haggies. I saw your forum thread and thought I'd drop by. I like the way you develop Zarrell at the beginning. I think it takes too long though. I'd edit a bit. e.g. the first paragraph might be shortened to .........
'In the stone halls of the monastery, aside from footsteps and pages turning in books, little noise was ever heard. Jerin Shrine was peaceful. Its occupants fulfilled by their thirst for knowledge and growth.
Behind the high walls that surrounded the shrine was a magnificent garden. The monks scarcely had any reason or want to leave the confines of their home, except to bring supplies, and so, once a week two of the brothers were chosen to travel by horse and cart to the markets of the Trunville city. It was during one of those travels that the monks came upon a pregnant woman in peril.'
I also think that you need a specific challenge for Zarrell both in the pitch and the main storyline, and I would like to see it introduced (after being alluded to in the pitch) by perhaps the first two or three chapters.
Your writing is strong enough to carry a story - good imagination and characters. Just give us a campaign to follow, best wishes, Scott.

Some great characters in this - you've developed them really well by show rather than tell eg. The moment where Eve thinks Zarrel has crushed the butterfly, but there it is in his hands - great little scene. I also like how you haven't downgraded your language for young adults. Too many people think younger readers can't cope with quality writing. Well we know that's BS. Great stuff. Backed.
Cheers,
Simon (Back to Life)

I didn't think this was my type of story, but it flippin is. It starts well with Zarrell's birth and the story is going really well and I'm finding it a page turner. Zarrell is a wonderful character and has my sympathy and admiration from the start. I wish you the very best of luck. Backed with pleasure. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

I love the happy mode of this story. This is the kind of story I could read to my kids and feel good about it.
It flows well and the pace is good. I love Zarrell and his happy personality.

Backed by SD Gillen

This is my type of thing- the story is unfolding, nicely. A good pace, not too much, at first. Zarrel is a great character with a good striking name. Does it have a meaning?

I saw your thread so I thought I'd take a look. The premise is not very original but the writing is strong. I like how Zarrell came into the world and how he colours the monks' lives. I also loved the description of his features, particularly his eyes.
I did think it rather strange that the monks thought he liked Tobius because of his skin tone, maybe you can think of a more compelling reason and the following simile didn't work, IMO. ..."but tanned and crisp like sand."
His mother named him not the monks, so I'd maybe change the line "And thus they named him, Zarrell." to "And thus they honored his mother's memory by baptising him, Zarrell." Or words to that effect..

If you are going to make him special why not make his special right from the start? Maybe have him grab the staff from Tobius and, using his instinct, do some complex move that has some special meaning to the monks. Maybe have Tobius confused and frightened and don't reveal the meaning to Zarrell or the reader straight away. I'm just trying to find you a stronger hook to end your opening chapter on. I see loads of potential in your prose and wish you luck with the story.
Best wishes, Karen.

Not my usual read but I think the fantasy followeres will like this one.
Though he is not yet a Munk, or brother yet, I'm sure that the brothers would not allow Zarrell to live free of daily chores. Maybe a display of his mundane days weeding the followers, and explanation from TOby on properly keeping the vegetables or grapes. Miling th goats or feeding the chickens. We don't need too much of the detail, but so far it reads like Zarrell has gotten a free ride, which in that setting is unlikely. The writing is very good, only found one small nit in ch2.
although along the way the[they] stumbled on something dreadful.
Well done so far, keep it up.
MickR - The nightcrawler

Haggies, I don't normally go for fantasy but your cover attracted me. I'm glad it did, because the character of Zarrell is so intricately drawn, I'm as fascinated as if this were a piece of literature, delving into the human mind. It's comic and real. I think you're an excellent writer and hope this does well. Shelved. Lynn

Curiosity got the best of me, so I had to have a look at this book! This is really a NaNo draft? WOW. You've done a marvelous job so far! On my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Hey Haggies,

You suck. I've barely written 3000 words for NaNo this year, and you come along with an opening scene that sounds as polished as this? Bastard!

*kisses*

~Traci

I liked this much more than I thought I would.

You skim through the first years of Zarrell's life and didn't bog down with too much detail which is good.

I love the first innocent meeting between Zarrell and Eve and his innocence mixed with bravdo are endearing.

Although this is totally out of my reading scope, I wanted to see what would happen to Zarrell when he becomes a man and goes out into the world and where you take his friendship with Eve.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

The plot and the formula are great, your MC is deep and the writing is precise. I would have someone from your target audience read this out loud and listen to the voice as interpreted by some one else. I found spots of awkwardness here and there. If I am right, and I may not be, they will come out by a reading.

On my shelf for a good story.

Good writing good story. Perhaps for your target market you should break up your sentences and perhaps simplify the phrasing a very, very tiny bit.

Hi Haggie

This is well written and nice adventure

good luck
Tamara
(Sorry I'm crap at commenting)

Hi Haggies, The storytelling has a nice flow that soon made the reading very pleasant. Zarrell’s being allowed to follow his propensities and his learning the goddess power of defense was presented in a way that blended with the shrine and the setting. His relationship with Eve enlivened the story, especially with his upbringing by monks. Another propensity that makes me want to know how he will handle himself in his travels. He’s a dear character! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I think this will be a wonderful adventure book for many boys. Well done! Backing!

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

Hi Haggies
Good story - shelved.

One thing you need to watch for is very long sentences. These should be broken up as they are very difficult for young people to follow. Examples from chapter 1
The Monks asked...... The monks had placed Zarrell......

On the narrative front, I think you need to spend a little more time on Zarrell's early childhood, who does he bond with, how do the monks cope with a young child? And so on.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Zarrell The Great

Hi Haggies,

This is a great solid, YA fantasy concept. You have drawn in familiar elements and breathed a fresh and new life into them. The nurtured orphan has a strong tradition in YA fantasy and you bring in interesting new elements like the yelk. Pitch perfect for many aspects of the market and I can see why this is doing so well. You have opted for a very traditional narrative style, fast-forwarding through the years and directing our heads at different periods of his development. You are a strong and interesting writer. I have a question: have you started this in the right place? Do we need what is essentially a prologue and chapter 1 had so many interesting and engaging elements, but I think it is is chapter three where things really begin to focus down to some very inspiring and interesting action. We are told we should always begin a story at a moment of change or action for our hero and you do that, but essentially sections 1 and 2 are scene-setters for what is to follow. You write it brilliantly, I don’t think you are capable of writing something that was poor, but I am not convinced we need all that growing up stuff, could we not simply reference that as the story rolls forward. This has been on my shelf for a few days now and it will stay there a bit longer, proud to have it there, you are a great writer, but I wanted to pose these questions to see if we can tease even more excellence from you.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

I really like the asian influence in this story. The monk's speech about water reminds me of something similar that Bruce Lee once said.

Great story and characters. Well wrote and great discriptions.

Backed

Jill

Haggies, I really like what you've done here, especially the dialog. As a fellow (aspiring) Y.A. author and teacher, I'm always looking for books that both I and my students will like. I think I've found one! Shelved with pleasure.

Best,
-Ben ("Dark Island")

Very well done. I'll shelve this for you. -- Dave

This is incredibly well written! Knowing many people who are participating in nanowrimo this year, I can see that you have a natural talent for writing. I like the names you've chosen, and I love how you started the book.

On my shelf.
Andrea
The Key of Kilenya

This is a lovely story, beautifully written. I love the sentence ' It was in the final moment of her life that the child broke free from her womb and entered the world.' Shelved! Kelley.

A great title, cover and opening chapter. Your descriptions are sparse but spot-on. Plus it has monks! Who doesn't like a good monk now and again? A fine piece of work.

This is marvelous! The training in the monastery, the martial arts aspect, the entire atmosphere created. It is indeed atmospheric, a strange, yet believable world. Shelved. Jedward (Brünnhilde)

-Zarrell the Great-

I love this setting! I'm drawn to monks, monestaries, teachers, etc., so I felt right at home in your story. I liked the strong relationship between Zarrell and Toby, and especially, the reverence for mother. I liked that a lot!

Lots of good suspense building and anticipation of what's to come. On my shelf with pleasure.

Jan (Fringe of Darkness)

I really liked this. I've never really read a book like this because it's not my type of read, but I really liked it.

Christopher Couture
(Superhated)