The Devouring Sword

The Devouring Sword - There is conflict from the beginning where the reader is shown Jafara is capable of planning revenge, obtaining the means to do it and waiting for the opportune time. However, it is unclear exactly what Jafara's position is, which makes it hard to understand how she easily gains access to the palace and the island - is she a servant, the daughter of a minor lord? In chapter four the Empress names her 'the bastard daughter of an Ilasi cur.' But the reader still doesn't know what connections she has to the court that she should be summoned by the Empress and there doesn't appear to be any backstory that might explain this. There is some nice writing here, for example: 'The Emperor sent the aging warlord a glare that could have singed flesh.' In other places the writing doesn't flow as well as it might, for example 'he knew he would be executed, probably today.' Some of the dialogue is very good but in other places it doesn't ring true. Jafara's interaction with the Empress I found a bit baffling. If the Empress is as foul as described it would be highly unlikely she would stand for any back-chat from Jafara. Having been told she is to be married to someone she loathes Jafara goes down to the servants quarters where she has a cubicle/room. Oh, I thought, the notes I made are totally irrelevant, she is a servant. No...she has a maid. I'm confused.
Jafara's character as previously mentioned is well drawn but she seems to be a curious mixture of recklessness, caution and rebelliousness. Nikolas come across as rather vacant but upright. The character who really stole the passages read was Goraney - cold eyed, ruthlessly calculating and incredibly polite - he is wonderfully creepy and is portrayed very well. For me, the work needs to be edited (I don't mean the typo's liberally scattered as I assume they have come about on uploading the book and the author is more than aware of these already).
The pace is good, the spectacle nicely drawn, the intrigue and skulduggery begun from the outset together with the tone and voice of the work should keep young adults hooked.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Jafara has saved her revenge for a cold buffet, and hopefully, to help the young warlord to whom she owes a debt. Then to Nikolas' trial which is quite entertaining as well as informative. There is a Tannegal in all such gatherings, and the emperor know how to handle him. Nice touch, the soggy scroll, no doubt assisted by Jafara. Goraney turns out to be quite the opposite of what Nikolas expects, a mind like a steel trap, and an ambition for Nikolas that even he could not have imagined. Meanwhile Jafara is faced with marrying her worst enemy's son.

What a superbly tangled plot, Jesse, with people who are to inherit who should not, and those who should, being treated like vermin. The 'advisor' who is the power behind the throne, moving around pieces as if on a chess board. No doubt Jafara and Nikolas will meet and be attracted, but there are obstacles aplenty to keep them apart: politics, family, social standing. Fascinating, and written in an ideal manner for YA ... on my shelf.

Possible nits: 'drunken routes [routs]'. ' a few of the lords ... A few years ago'. ' Goraney's voice was firm ... not the quavering voice', maybe use 'tone' for first 'voice'? empress' or empress's - use one of the other.

The first chapter is very intriguing. Story is well framed and captivating and charachters are vivid. The charachter of nicholas is shown very strong and moving well according to the situation. The charachter of heroin is also well crafted and above all the element of suspense in the story is the thing that can hook the readers to go through more of the book. The writing style is impressive and lucid. The book deserves high stars and on my WL for future backing.

The book is on my WL and will comment after finishing the read within couple of days.

DEVOURING SWORD
This is an interesting story. I planned on reading only chapter 1 because I was short on time, but found myself all the way up to chapter 6 before I realized it. Jafara is a great character; immediately likable because she lets loose the snake. Nicolas is also a good character. Cyranie is a good villain. If I had a suggestion it would be to get back to Jafara sooner after the first chapter (that doesn’t happen until the 4th chapter). I liked her a lot and wanted to learn more about her. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter. Who Killed the President?

Read the first three chapters and thoroughly enjoyed this. You're on to something here. Especially with the success of Game of Thrones which this slightly resembles. Left off with the princes finances, always motive for murder. You write very well. If there are any errors, I couldn't find them. My only complaint is the over use of odd names for people and places. It sometimes got confusing, making me look back to see if the name was of a place of character. Piddly criticism, but only one I could find. Highly recommended and rated.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and Bad Juju

Really am getting into this mystery you've created w/Prince Xyvost. Can picture the king as he questions everyone about the murder and can almost taste Nicholas' sweat as he stands accused. Has a real Game of Thrones feel to it-the weird names and places-like it happened a long time ago, but in a fictitious kingdom. Will definately stay on the ol' shelf a little longer. Criticism: second chapter has many typos, ie, equal and @ signs. Dina of Halo of the Damned and Bad Juju

Read the first chapter and found it intriguing. Couple of things: the time stamp-is it BC, AD, or another time from an alternative world? Missing a period after uproar. Like your princess and the mystery of the murdered prince you've started. Will read more later. Dina

Hello Jesselowe:

I think you have the makings of a good story here, but there is one problem-the opening. The reader seems to be thrown into the middle of a story that has already begun before his or her arrival, like one who arrives late for a movie after it has already begun. In spite of the background provided through the dialogue, the reader does not seem to be able to recover all of what was missed.

My suggestion would be to go back and work on the opening to ease the reader into the story and to find a way to grab the reader's attention.

Blessings to you!

James

From reading the first three chapters, I believe the book would appeal to a wider audience. I was routing for Nikolas and breathed a sigh of relief to discover that the Lord Chief Advisor did not believe he committed the crime. Now I anticipate his transformation into emperor, with the heroine of the story by his side. This is an engrossing read!

Your pitch is compelling. I will definitely read more. Thanks for posting.

I read all the way to chapter 5. I liked it alot,but in chapter two i found myself being distracted by equal signs and @ signs that were randomly in the text.

5 stars :)

The Devouring Sword is a very imaginative account. I love the time setting in the distant past and you have that element of suspense to hold the reader's interest throughout the narrative. I've rated it with six stars.

Hi Jesselowe,
This is one of the best first chapters I've read in a long time. I thoroughly enjoyed how you strung us along, setting up your story, ah, and then the punch. So satisifying. Will come back for more.
Cheers!
John B Campbell

Terrific beginning to what promises to be a great read. I've read up to chapter three, and I read them so easily I had to stop or I'd be here all night! Although, easy to read, you add some nice character detail and we are right into the action.

Great stuff. Starred and I'll give you some shelf time soon.

Claire
Curious Cooper and the Screaming Skulls

Hi Jesse, I am pleasantly surprised that you've backed my story. Thank you. Your story-strong/powerful stuff. Very imaginative! The 1st chap. grabbed me. Was the snake poisonous? Jafara lived in a time of treachery on everyside-one false step meant a swift death. oohwer! The time is 580ish. where is it-what world/planet? I'm not suggesting that should answer such questions in your story-just wondering. Rotting bodies hung on spikes-Jafara wondering if she might get the same treatment? ugh. The approaches to London displayed heads on spikes a few hundred years ago & we're not immune from violence today so one can identify with the violence in your story, but one can hope for better times.
You write well &,as I said , have a lively imagination. Backed & shelved.
Best Walt.

The Devouring Sword (great title) - A very enjoyable read, opening with intrigue, tension and humour. The feisty Jafara is a great character. I think para 3 could have been written more simply, keeping place/people names to a minimum (It's too much info too soon. All that could come later). Again, chapter two held my interest and I'm already keen to find out 'who dunnit'. It could all do with an edit to improve pace/flow, but apart from that, the characters and the storyline really appeal to me. Love it. High stars and a spot on my shelf.

Small nit - Repetition: 'Nikolas' palms slick with sweat'

How totally wonderful, you are, Jesselowe!! :) Thank you so very much for again backing my memoirs/testimony book. :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) - every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm 9 from the editor's desk & trying to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of December :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 20 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9-1/2 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year.

I remember this story so well - the delightful humiliation of Cyranie. Nikolas meeting the wily Goraney, and the revelation that the new warlord could become emperor, then Jafara faced with the prospect of marrying Stylam. The writing is full of flair: 'a glare that could have singed flesh', 'the truth was a new and menacing territory', and the main protagonist is as feisty as they come. It deserves all the stars I gave it previously and will go on my shortlist for backing in the not-too-distant future.

Possible nits: ''She did not know him, but she had encountered him frequently' - maybe qualify 'She did not know him well'??

A good start, Jesse - I enjoyed it. You have set the scene and introduced the main characters well. I am intrigued by Jafara and impressed with how much background story you have introduced through the dialogue. The second chapter ends with a cliff-hanger - Nikolas' fate is still undecided and he has a powerful enemy in the Empress. There were one or two typos in the second chapter and I was a bit muddled at first with all the unusual names - especially the ones beginning with 'X' or 'Z.' But these are small points. Well done - and good luck.

Susanna
'Catching the Eagle'

This is an intriguing story written with a pleasing economy of style- by that I mean there is an effective balance betrween descriptive elements and dialogue. I have looked at some of the other comments and see that typos etc have already been indicated. Lots of potential, so happy to back it. Best wishes HP

' The Devouring Sword ' Jesselowe

Your style of writing is effective in getting attention and the pace put me straight into the story. You have crafted a strong heroin in Jafara, the supporting characters are well defined and believable.

This is an entertaining read and ideal for the genre you have chosen.

Jane

'Breath in the Dark'

This is an encouraging start. I'd like to see this manuscript fragment (and the extension that I assume exists) worked on to clear up some confusing passages - Child's remarks echo my own confusions - and smooth up the transitions. There are some stray errors - in chapter 1 - "Palace servant[s]"... in chapter 2 - "...gave her [a] reluctant nod..." and "adviser", not "advisor" - but, blessedly, not many. On the whole, this is an intelligent work, and not just another cardboard cutout fantasy pastiche. The writer shows not only some originality, but sparks of serious writing skill that rivals "mainstream" fiction. This work I think should be pitched for general readers, not (just) YAs. Good luck!

--James David Audlin

THE DEVOURING SWORD

This is a finely crafted story with great characters and convincing dialogue. The writing sparkles with well chosen words that support the story. The reader is grounded in space and time at every jump.
Thanks for this read.
Starred with enthusiasm.
A Zoomer

The Devouring Sword - There is conflict from the beginning where the reader is shown Jafara is capable of planning revenge, obtaining the means to do it and waiting for the opportune time. However, it is unclear exactly what Jafara's position is, which makes it hard to understand how she easily gains access to the palace and the island - is she a servant, the daughter of a minor lord? In chapter four the Empress names her 'the bastard daughter of an Ilasi cur.' But the reader still doesn't know what connections she has to the court that she should be summoned by the Empress and there doesn't appear to be any backstory that might explain this. There is some nice writing here, for example: 'The Emperor sent the aging warlord a glare that could have singed flesh.' In other places the writing doesn't flow as well as it might, for example 'he knew he would be executed, probably today.' Some of the dialogue is very good but in other places it doesn't ring true. Jafara's interaction with the Empress I found a bit baffling. If the Empress is as foul as described it would be highly unlikely she would stand for any back-chat from Jafara. Having been told she is to be married to someone she loathes Jafara goes down to the servants quarters where she has a cubicle/room. Oh, I thought, the notes I made are totally irrelevant, she is a servant. No...she has a maid. I'm confused.
Jafara's character as previously mentioned is well drawn but she seems to be a curious mixture of recklessness, caution and rebelliousness. Nikolas come across as rather vacant but upright. The character who really stole the passages read was Goraney - cold eyed, ruthlessly calculating and incredibly polite - he is wonderfully creepy and is portrayed very well. For me, the work needs to be edited (I don't mean the typo's liberally scattered as I assume they have come about on uploading the book and the author is more than aware of these already).
The pace is good, the spectacle nicely drawn, the intrigue and skulduggery begun from the outset together with the tone and voice of the work should keep young adults hooked.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Read Chapters 1 to 4
I enjoyed this: there's a lot of conflict, plotting and some very slippery characters. The Empress is delightly evil and power hungry and young Nikolas seems ill prepared for the duty that has no been thrust upon him. Jafara is attractive, head strong and proud, refusing to give in to the empress, even though it leads to her contant punishment. Her support for Nikolas shows her courage and loyalty to those who have helped her in the past. But it reveals she can be reckless and this may get her into deeper trouble.
Her outburst and refusal to marry Stylam reveals she sometimes speaks before she's thought carefully and now she will be watched all the time and escape seems impossible..
There's a mystery as well. Who is Jafara's twin brother and who exactly is their priestess mother? Why does the Empress hate her (and Jafara) so much...perhaps the Emperor still cares for her? And will Axstra try to murder Nikolas too?
Can Nikolas trust the spy master and chief advisor, Goraney? He seems to be helpful to Nikolas...but is he really? Is this one of his schemes? Nikolas has little choice but to rely on the sly advisor, because he cannot read, knows nothing about estate management and is surrounded by danger and plots by nobles, the Empress and her son, and perhaps also the ordinary people..
And he's inherited a lot of trouble. The estate is in ruins and bankrupt. There may be a rebellion because of Vort's decadent behaviour and mistreatment of the people and there's a prospect of war with a neighbouring kingdom.(Tannegal seems to be a hothead who jumps to conclusions without thinking.) Nikolas will have to learn very quickly and will he find out who's been helping him?.
You've created an intriguing plot and lively characters. This seems ideal for the YA market.
Just a few nits I noticed, mainly with the font which you probably know about already, but I mention them just in case you haven't noticed how they've come out in upload:
Chapter 1. "Drunken routes"...should this be drunken routs?
Throughout the chapters I read (chapters 1 to 4) , your apostophes sometimes show as" =" Eg. Empress=s (perhaps best as Empress' ); Vort=s; Nikolas= palms; can=t; guests= flight.
In Chapter 2, Nikolas' stomach "roiled" with tension....wonder if you mean rolled or perhaps recoiled? Also in chapter 2, you have font problems. Your quotation marks have sometimes appeared as " A" and dialogue ended with "@" Eg AWhere is it? ; ABring it@; Asee if you can get it out@
Your story has a lot to keep a young adult reader involved and has strong characters with whom they can identify. Good luck with this.. BACKED
Cherry G.
The Girl from Ithaca

To Jesselowe (The devouring Sword)

The title caught my eye, then I started to read and bingo, here I am telling you how much I like it. I'm BACKING your book and it goes on my bookshelf now. It's well written and the characters have been carefully thought out. I can only wish you the best of luck and that your writing will go from strength to strength.

Frank James (The Contractor)

Cracking start to a compelling story that promises action and intrigue.. Jafara is a plucky and cunning heroine and I like the world you've created - hard to believe it's fiction - Backed with pleasure
Diane
Good Blood

Excellent work, just the thing to inspire young adult readers. The term 'Sword and Sandal epic' in your pitch may mislead some people. This generally means Roman or Egyptian in the past rather than fantasy. It would be a shame for anyone to pass this by. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

THE DEVOURING SWORD
This truly is an excellent story, straight in to an exciting start. Lots of intrigue as we get entangled in the plot, some evil characters and the nicer heroes of course. Plenty of enthusiasm has gone into writing this and it is written with a fine hand. Well plotted and executed with style.
I don't know why I missed this before. Backed. ( If you wish to swap read I'll be delighted)
Good luck and best wishes.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

My inclination is to back simply for sheer exuberance and fine writing.

Best wishes

richard

An excellent fantasy story that exhibits your talent as a writer.
It has all the main ingredients for a thrilling book and in my opinion will do very well in the market place of the Y/A. and older readers.
Very colourful and well thought out making for an interesting and well worth read.

I am of course pleased to back your book 'The Devouring Sword'.

Many thanks for backing my 1st book.

kind regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest - Series)

Empress Cyranie tyrannical rule see's the rebellious Jafar forever being punished, for a refusal to a proposed marriage and impudence she receives twenty strikes. Meanwhile her only samaritan has a murder accusation hanging over his head and his deceased brothers mis-managed Kingdom in ruins.
Something about 'The Devouring Sword. that speaks volumns about the virtue of democracy because power gained through succesion, just means duplicity and murder.
You've characterized a very evil regime in the opening chapters I see nothing to sanctifier, where are all the priest's, murdered in their beds a long time ago I've no doubt.
Backed with pleasure.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

interesting story, and a good picture of an imaginary civilization

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

This is a very enjoyable intrigue, with strongly drawn characters (especially Jafara) that draw you into the story.

The dates at the start of the chapters are a nice way of giving one a sense of the passage of time. However, based on them I made the assumption that it might be a historical setting, though it became apparent immediately that it isn’t. Perhaps something in the pitch to make it clear it is not historical? Or even adding a fictitious event that it is 579 years after, just so the reader isn’t expecting some Byzantine Empire setting, especially as you have some Greek names!

Best of luck.
Stephen Lucek.

A captivating fantasy. Well-drawn characters. Wonderfully detailed, vivid settings. True-to-life dialogue. Insightful narrative. Awesome world building. Remarkable writing. A stellar read. Backed.

I thought that I already commented on this but I guess I didn't. In case I forgot I will back you again. This isn't really my kind of read but I've read your first chapter anyway. You are a talented writer and with this book you will be hitting a big market. Your wording is a little odd but I like it. I get a little irritated when writers point out the obvious (like red as a firetruck) and you definitely stray from that. I wish you the best of luck with this.

Lacey

There is a wide market for fanasty and this story should prove popular when its complete. There are some typo's but a self edit can fix those. I would suggest that you consider looking at some of those long info. drops and try to reconstruct them so that there is more show than tell. Readers generally like to bring something from their own imagination to the book as they read and too much spelt out for them can be distancing, a good writer really needs to draw the reader in.
Backed for its promise.
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

I've been eagerly waiting for this one to reach the top of my WL, and I must say I was definitely not disappointed. I love Jafara and Nikolas, and the empress is delightfully nasty. I hope something comes of this, because I would love it sitting on my real bookshelf. Sorry it took so long to comment after backing.

Hi Jesselowe, All of this intrigue is cunningly written. Jafara's view of the empress gives her mission a personal reason too. The questioning of Nikolas was enticing to read and the coldness towards his brother. This compels while it takes one into the time with the barges and the setting. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hey Jesse. Read two chapters. Nice going. An easy read and the story looks like it will hold interest.
A few comments. Just my take, of course.

"A voice issued..." - not too fond of 'issued.'

"...empress=s." - Empress' or Empress's. Either is correct but using an extra s looks clunky to me.

"...drunken routes." - Did you mean 'routs?'

"This story gained supporters with every repetition, and she had made certain..." - I suggest you replace 'she' with 'the princess.'

"...recognized her shrank away from her..." - I'd delete 'from her.'

Like I said, just me. I think it's worth backing. Best of luck with it.

Very nice way of tying in the beginning and end of the first chapter, with a lot of great background and royal intrigue in between. Great dialogue with the Emperor in Chapter 2. Flows very well, with great imagery. This complex plot has a lot to offer! Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis

The prose moves at a steady and interesting pace. The characters' names are impressive in terms of uniqueness, and the names fit well with the storyline. The date at the beginning is wonderful because it is, in a manner of speaking, so out of the blue, "Summer 579." As many as five comments can be "cherry picked." Backed. Good luck. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures) (Literary Agent Blues) (Uboat Officer)

The prose moves at a steady and interesting pace. The characters' names are impressive in terms of uniqueness, and the names fit well with the storyline. The date at the beginning is wonderful because it is, in a manner of speaking, so out of the blue, "Summer 579." As many as five comments can be "cherry picked." Backed. Good luck. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures) (Literary Agent Blues) (Uboat Officer)

The prose moves at a steady and interesting pace. The characters' names are impressive in terms of uniqueness, and the names fit well with the storyline. The date at the beginning is wonderful because it is, in a manner of speaking, so out of the blue, "Summer 579." As many as five comments can be "cherry picked." Backed. Good luck. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures) (Literary Agent Blues) (Uboat Officer)

The prose moves at a steady and interesting pace. The characters' names are impressive in terms of uniqueness, and the names fit well with the storyline. The date at the beginning is wonderful because it is, in a manner of speaking, so out of the blue, "Summer 579." As many as five comments can be "cherry picked." Backed. Good luck. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures) (Literary Agent Blues) (Uboat Officer)

The prose moves at a steady and interesting pace. The characters' names are impressive in terms of uniqueness, and the names fit well with the storyline. The date at the beginning is wonderful because it is, in a manner of speaking, so out of the blue, "Summer 579." As many as five comments can be "cherry picked." Backed. Good luck. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures) (Literary Agent Blues) (Uboat Officer)

Very intriguing plot!

A great observation of human nature - my complements for your wisdom mirrored in this book. You are a great storyteller, and you crafted this peace with true skill.

Backed with pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Wonderful
Backed
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

Jafara has saved her revenge for a cold buffet, and hopefully, to help the young warlord to whom she owes a debt. Then to Nikolas' trial which is quite entertaining as well as informative. There is a Tannegal in all such gatherings, and the emperor know how to handle him. Nice touch, the soggy scroll, no doubt assisted by Jafara. Goraney turns out to be quite the opposite of what Nikolas expects, a mind like a steel trap, and an ambition for Nikolas that even he could not have imagined. Meanwhile Jafara is faced with marrying her worst enemy's son.

What a superbly tangled plot, Jesse, with people who are to inherit who should not, and those who should, being treated like vermin. The 'advisor' who is the power behind the throne, moving around pieces as if on a chess board. No doubt Jafara and Nikolas will meet and be attracted, but there are obstacles aplenty to keep them apart: politics, family, social standing. Fascinating, and written in an ideal manner for YA ... on my shelf.

Possible nits: 'drunken routes [routs]'. ' a few of the lords ... A few years ago'. ' Goraney's voice was firm ... not the quavering voice', maybe use 'tone' for first 'voice'? empress' or empress's - use one of the other.

Nice handling of your genre, in a time (assuming this is Earth time) that seems largely ignored by modern writers. The writing is solid and serves your narrative well; I don't really have any critique to offer. Jafara comes across as empathetic and likable. Nicely done; happy to back this for you.
Craig
The Job

Like how you have built and structured this book.
For me, some fantasy books are too extreme they loose all links to human traits, which often disengages me from the story. This doesn’t, so for me I think this is a great read.
Think you capture Jafara brilliantly (I’m not into kissing feet either). I’m very much enjoying this and I hope it does well. – Good luck!