Lengthening Shadows: The Dark Princess

Backed January 20.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

Lengthening Shadows is a classic fantasy of a damsel in distress rescued by a warrior hero, who together then embark on a quest to save the world from evil.You create an imaginative worldview to provide a degree of distinctiveness and your writing seems to me pitched at the right level for a YA audience, so I'll back this for its potential.
On the downside, though, I feel this does need polishing. The opening is slow - if the Dark Princess herself is bored with the books and just wants to go to sleep, it's hard for the reader not to feel the same about paragraph after paragraph saying so; I suggest cutting straight to the action with the Ipe. The logic of the opening troubled me too - I know it is fantasy, but a closely guarded prisoner in a lonely tower surely can't just wander down the stairs and out the front door for a night out on the town? Small things, perhaps, but worth a bit more thought IMHO. Good luck.

Can't remember if I backed this before, but I'll shelve it to be safe.

What I like about it is the timeless, near elemental, theme of over-protective fatherhood, dangerous puberty and the need to break out to become an adult. The princess that needs rescuing or needs to rescue herself.

And the modern twist that she is the dark princess daughter of the Black God.

I think you reduce some of the narrative explanation and let the reader work out things for themselves...but this is a good fantasy.

You know your genre. This has a mythic fairytale-like power... It reads like you have delved directly into the collective unconscious of the human race... the imagination is second to none. It needs editing and pruning, but I'm sure you'll get to that. Shelved.
Frank

A princess with obsessive compulsive disorder! I love it! The Dark Princess is a character I fell in love with. She's already a hero by taking the nightmare instead of the innocent boy. Stupid Ipe. I was mad at it! During her nightmare her hands were tied and then suddenly they covered her eyes. I was confused on that. Could be just me though. I enjoyed the very beginning. I think you brought us into your story nicely. I do think there are a few too many paragraphs bofore the action starts. Minor things.
I started the first chapter last night and had to finish this morning. I was as tired at the Princess was! But I couldn't stop thinking about it and couldn't wait to get back to reading it. Thats always a good sign!

SD Gillen

This is quite a powerful, dark book, but the Princess herself is not dark in spite of her name. We see her rescuing the dreaming boy from the Ipe, and taking a nightmare instead of her own dream, to do this; and we know, already, that here is someone who will be prepared to sacrifice, later in the book, on behalf of others. You get your plot off to a good start with this episode. The nightmare is well described. Your style flows well, without any mistakes that I've noticed. The Princess is an interesting character, different enough from the average heroine to keep our attention. Possibly you might want to cut some of the long paragraphs of your opening, where you keep us waiting for some time before the action starts? But this is only a suggestion. A readable book, with an interesting plot. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I think YA readers will identify strongly with this, and your accute observations make it a very atmospheric read. The plot is clever, and unfolds with growing pace, hooking the reader's attention. You write with consumate ease, and the dialogue you create is vibrant and authentic. There are layers of meaning which require the reader's concentration, which is always the sign of a good book. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes. Tony.

I like how this starts - the setting is simple, the rules are clear, and the reader can easily see the story unfold. But what I liked hte most is how you start chapter 2. Eloquent and I could almost smell the earth. I like that you use all the senses as you write - it gives the reader the full experience as though they are there with the characters - while still allowing imagination to spring from our own memories. I'm on to read your chapter 3, but I like how the "alone" theme repeats in two, similar to the princess in one, and so I must know what happens next -- but first - on my shelf.

Something that nearly drove me off was the reference to dark three times in your short pitch. Far far far too many. It leads me to believe your work will be repetitive. Which isn't so. Your writing is clear and flowing.
There are some very dark and bleak instances which I found unique and intriguing.
In a day and age where YA novels means everything is kittens and poodles it is nice to see brooding.
There is a lot of information at the front. I realize this is fantasy and it does need some info dumps but try telling it through dialogue breaking it up in parts.
This has a lot of potential.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

J.M, I think many YA will see themselves as the dark princess. It's like a traditional fairy tale that's grown up. Your descriptions are bursting with unusual imagination. The cover's great,too.Shelved. Lynn

Hi JM
Very much in the style of Germanic fairy tales, dark and brooding- shelved

I have a couple of pieces of advice, well opinion really. I think you give far too much of an information dump at the beginning and you should tighten the book to move to the ipe much quicker. The second thing is you talk about her going to the tower at age 13. By that age most people have experienced much of life yet you portray the Princess as someone who has never had a normal life. I would change it to three and make her much younger, but then that's me

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Hi J.M.

You have an extremely interesting story underway here. It's different than anything I've ever read and I think your imagination is as wild as mine, lol. Maybe wilder. I read chapters one and three.

I found one confusing paragraph in chapter one where it refers to Beleth:

“Over the years the Prince rarely came to the city where she was kept, Beleth.” then a few sentences down you have: “… - the realm where Beleth resided.”

I couldn't figure out whether Beleth was a city or the princess's name.

The only other critical comment I have is to encourage you to use less telling and more showing in your prose. It's tricky sometimes, but you can really tell the difference between the way it reads if you take one paragraph at a time and convert it to a balance between showing and telling, rather than mostly narration. My first draft is a lot of telling because it's easier for me to get the story down that way. Then I'll go back and add details and try to bring the characters to life. But mine isn't great either - still a lot of work to do.

Your ideas are creative, unique and compelling and I hope to see your book for sale one day soon.

Madison Woods - Retribution

Hi JM, I'm putting your book on my WL to try and get a read in tonight. Are there any particular chapters you want me to look at? I'll only have time for one or two right now.

Madison Woods - Retribution

Very well written and a very enjoyable read. What a great imaginitive story you have. I would definitely buy it. It is my type of story. Great job!

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

Ideal book for the genre, nice writing that can be improved I feel, like all of us on here.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

hi
i enjoyed your story and have no negative criticism. it is well written, good opening, well structured, characters solid and convincing and the is plot original. i expect this to do very well on here so i am shelving you,

godd luck with this

Judith ()Peaceweaver) (The Forest Dwellers)

Came to have a look after seeing your forum post. You've got a detailed world set up in this opening, with an interesting female protagonist which should appeal to readers of fantasy. Backed.

Hi JM,

I'm here from your forum thread - first off, again welcome to the madness that is Authonomy. :)

I read the first two chapters of your book, and I agree with the others before me - you've got a great fantasy story here. If time weren't a factor, I'd read on, which is enough to get you up on my shelf. I do notice that you suffer from the same "that-itis" that I do - I deleted hundreds of "that" from my first seven chapters (I shudder to think how many are lurking in the rest of my manuscript). I would suggest going through and cleaning out as many of these words as possible - http://www.dailywritingtips.com/five-words-you-can-cut

I think with a bit of trimming, your already great pacing will be even more improved. Best of luck with this!

~Traci
Tangled Web

JM Bates

This was an easy read, in terms of simplistic dialogue and evenly paced narration.,...I wondered why you hadn't also flagged it Young Adult ......Your imagery and termanology is perfect for that genre....

Black God deems to her have ???? is there a typo ......Black God deems her to have !!

There's plenty of competition out there in the Fantasy maket, but I must say, you can certainly hold your own..

shelved.

Hi J.M. Just stumbled across your book. Thought I'd give it a read.
Excellent pitch. Good job on that. In my opinion, this is a well written work. The beginning is very good and the story develops well. You treat your characters nicely. Their feelings and thought are well defined and I think readers can identify and flow with them. All in all, from what I've read, I think this will be a fine story. On my shelf. The best of luck with this. I believe it will do well here.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Hi,

A great night-time read. I was instantly transported to the set of a Tim Burton movie! Eerie and atmospheric but the plight and frustrations of the Dark Princess made her seem very real rather than an over-the-top fantasy figure.

I wasn't sure what to expect but really happy to back this.

Cxx

Dark and claustrophobic, a world turned in on itself, a dark folktale (I baulk at the phrase fairystory here!) indeed. Put me in mind of the Brothers Grimm movie. I'll be honest, it's not my type of read but I can think of a lot of people (younger than I) who would lap it up and beg for more.
Happy to back you.
jane
WALKER

Tightly written. Some fine characterisation. From your premise I thought to myself, eh up, I could get into this.
So, on the basis of good clear writing and flowing prose, together with a promising story,

I'll back this book

BACKED

This reads like the adult version of a fairy tale, i.e., the adult story behind Rapunzel locked in her tower, or the adult version of the Snow White and the Evil Stepmother (without the dwarves). It is more than that, of course, but that was my impression upon starting the book and reading about the Dark Princess locked in her tower. This is a good thing, as I am not aware of anyone who has attempted this. If you think of all the fairy tales out there, there are some downright brutal ones (Hansel and Gretal always come to mind, with its child abuse of a father deserting his children in the forest, followed by an old crone threatening to throw them in an oven). If these were written not for children, but for adults, what would the back story be and what would they say?

Your Dark Princess seems like such a heroine, locked in her tower. And soon her Prince Charming -- the Archangel -- will be there to help her.

Your writing is quite compelling, although if I might make one suggestion, it would be that you show us rather than tell us more. Of course, that may be coming more in later chapters -- it is difficult to do so when all you have is one character by herself. I like very much when the Ipe came. Very imaginative. So, as you can see, I am quite swept up in your tale. I will read more and see if my theories are correct. But even if not, you have my attention, and that is what it is all about, isn't it? Shelved.

thanks for your time. im impressed that you made the correlation between this and the use of dark fairytales. the first part of my book is sort of like one, but differs as the book progresses. im so glad u liked it. thanks again!

JM
I made some notes as I went along so they may appear a little disjointed.
From the off it is very clear that you can write. Your prose is very accessible and you hook the reader in with some very interesting characterisation and back story.
Normally, I’d say establishing the rules of the world so blatantly is not a good thing but you do it in perfect context, and that works a treat for me. You establish a lonely, yet extremely important MC, ala: a fairytale princesses, or… I can’t help thinking of the Isis cult in ancient Egypt where the royal human priestess was a manifestation of the goddess. You know, this is quite addictive. I particularly like the reflections of incarceration options and my curiosity to ‘why’ drives me on. Good characterisation reflects her withdrawal into her dream life. But for me (an unpublished author) finding out she is a ‘Viempire’ this early on is a slight distraction. I’d love it if you carried the mystery further and reveal this fact later on by demonstration of what it entails. I think the plot kicks into action with the arrival of the strange visitor. This grabs the attention. Another thought (feel free to ignore) I’d like more motivation for following the Ipe than ‘something to do’ – maybe she is dying with boredom and thinking about escape? I think this could enhance the reader experience. Great scene painting outside. And what a noble act to offer to feed the Ipe. Scary dream too. Lunar water, yum, sounds nice. …and we are left with the voice of the Black God.
What you have here is an intriguing and engrossing opening. You over a very brooding atmosphere that you pen extremely well not only with top-notch scene painting but also through our MC.
I’ll finish with a book you may find useful: ‘Self-Editing for Fiction Writers’ (Browne & King).
Keep up the good work.
Shelved with pleasure
David
Green Ore

thanks for your thorough review. i will take a look at the book you mentioned. thanks for the suggestions too, i always consider each one i am given.

A new world to be explored. I think you have done a fine job of creating a place so different and dark. A book that is sure to pull in many. There is a lot of narrative though throughout chapter one. I think it slow the story down. Keeps the reader outside the action. Not sure it that is what you intended. There is so much potential for this story it seem to be bursting. I wish you well with it.

One question-
‘As she got closer to it, she recognized it as an lpe: a four legged being not bigger than her hand. It had a torso of a man, faceless, with four wings growing from its back.

If this creature was faceless then how could it read the time? It has no eyes.

On my shelf. Connie

thank you so much for your kind words. and as for the Ipe, i guess i forgot to mention that it was tracing the indentations of the numbers with its fingers. ive edited this thing a few times and i guess i forgot to put it back in. thanks again!

A new world to be explored. I think you have done a fine job of creating a place so different and dark. A book that is sure to pull in many. There is a lot of narrative though throughout chapter one. I think it slow the story down. Keeps the reader outside the action. Not sure it that is what you intended. There is so much potential for this story it seem to be bursting. I wish you well with it.

One question-
‘As she got closer to it, she recognized it as an lpe: a four legged being not bigger than her hand. It had a torso of a man, faceless, with four wings growing from its back.

If this creature was faceless then how could it read the time? It has no eyes.

On my shelf. Connie

Great discriptions, the story pulls the reader in.

Backed

Jill

JM
I made some notes as I went along so they may appear a little disjointed.
From the off it is very clear that you can write. Your prose is very accessible and you hook the reader in with some very interesting characterisation and back story.
Normally, I’d say establishing the rules of the world so blatantly is not a good thing but you do it in perfect context, and that works a treat for me. You establish a lonely, yet extremely important MC, ala: a fairytale princesses, or… I can’t help thinking of the Isis cult in ancient Egypt where the royal human priestess was a manifestation of the goddess. You know, this is quite addictive. I particularly like the reflections of incarceration options and my curiosity to ‘why’ drives me on. Good characterisation reflects her withdrawal into her dream life. But for me (an unpublished author) finding out she is a ‘Viempire’ this early on is a slight distraction. I’d love it if you carried the mystery further and reveal this fact later on by demonstration of what it entails. I think the plot kicks into action with the arrival of the strange visitor. This grabs the attention. Another thought (feel free to ignore) I’d like more motivation for following the Ipe than ‘something to do’ – maybe she is dying with boredom and thinking about escape? I think this could enhance the reader experience. Great scene painting outside. And what a noble act to offer to feed the Ipe. Scary dream too. Lunar water, yum, sounds nice. …and we are left with the voice of the Black God.
What you have here is an intriguing and engrossing opening. You over a very brooding atmosphere that you pen extremely well not only with top-notch scene painting but also through our MC.
I’ll finish with a book you may find useful: ‘Self-Editing for Fiction Writers’ (Browne & King).
Keep up the good work.
Shelved with pleasure
David
Green Ore

JM
Wow! This is fantastic writing, very professional. I normally dont like fantasy much but this is so real it drew me along like an electromagnet. The pictures drawn with your words are so vivid as was the one way conversation with the Ipe. I thought it was a child's fairy tale until the blood started to flow. Yikes! The writing is immaculate so you don't need any editing that I can see. Viempire with wings, the Dark Princes is trapped in a library, yep it's better than a dungeon, and she knows the rules. Well done. Fun read, good luck with your book.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

This reads like the adult version of a fairy tale, i.e., the adult story behind Rapunzel locked in her tower, or the adult version of the Snow White and the Evil Stepmother (without the dwarves). It is more than that, of course, but that was my impression upon starting the book and reading about the Dark Princess locked in her tower. This is a good thing, as I am not aware of anyone who has attempted this. If you think of all the fairy tales out there, there are some downright brutal ones (Hansel and Gretal always come to mind, with its child abuse of a father deserting his children in the forest, followed by an old crone threatening to throw them in an oven). If these were written not for children, but for adults, what would the back story be and what would they say?

Your Dark Princess seems like such a heroine, locked in her tower. And soon her Prince Charming -- the Archangel -- will be there to help her.

Your writing is quite compelling, although if I might make one suggestion, it would be that you show us rather than tell us more. Of course, that may be coming more in later chapters -- it is difficult to do so when all you have is one character by herself. I like very much when the Ipe came. Very imaginative. So, as you can see, I am quite swept up in your tale. I will read more and see if my theories are correct. But even if not, you have my attention, and that is what it is all about, isn't it? Shelved.

Dear JM Bates,

Not only do you have a delicious somber mood to your story, but you start it out on a strong sentence telling how the Princess is trapped in a tower by her father. You're quick to build sympathy further by having her read a book to pass the time of her imprisonment. I did find the list of her rules in italics a bit jarring, in that they're not integrated with the story text. Luckily, there is an easy way to do this. Have your Princess be reading the story, only instead of reading the lines she sees, or at least thinks about the rules. The rules are important enough to be in italics and their own paragraph. However, in my opinion, your story will benefit from flow and suspense if you introduce the rules more gradually.

Best Wishes,
Alan Marling
(Ghost Warrior, the Stealing)

Hi JM!

This is a very dark and gothic spin to the age-old tale of the princess in the tower. Your descriptive prose is beautifully drawn and gives an edge to the storyline that should appeal to the YA and adult audiences. I absolutely love the book cover - full of interesting images, I see something different every time I look at it! This piece is well written and put together. I'm happy to back it!

Kim
Invisible Justice

A traditional fantasy plot mixed in with a little of the gothic darkness of Twilight... although quite a familer feeling book, it does have a certain appeal over it's competitiors; a modern twist to the writing is more likely to engage today's market.

Andrew

What an imagination you have...

This is lovely... a true fairytale... the princess locked away...

Andrew has given you some helpful hints and I couldn't find anything further to elaborate.

You cover is great and your pitch intriguing.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

Lengthening Shadows: The Dark Princess

Hi JM

This is well envisaged fantasy in that there are self-consistent details that thread the story together, you have clearly spent a lot of time in this world and now know it very well. I think the first chapter sets the scene well, her naivete, her long time in the tower, there is something epic and elemental about such a story. I think however that chapter one could be speeded up, there are sections where the narrative turns away from the close-in POV of the Princess (you do some of the details of waiting and boredom really well, the heart-beat thing for example) and seems to offer more speculations and details on the world we are experiencing. Please don't get me wrong, the things are rich and interesting, but they would perhaps be better placed in other parts of the narrative, where they are weaved in more subtly. These are tiny nitpicks however, great beginning, a good edit and it will be much stronger. If you have the time to peek at my book it would be so helpful at this stage in the authonomy game.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Not my usual genre. But the cover intrigued me! I felt like you immediately brought me into this different reality quickly and naturally with your words. You have a good story line brewing and I am excited to see where this goes! Good luck!
JMVAT

I'm going to give this a spin on what I've read already - well written and easily readable

backed

Kev(catherine wheel alley)

thank-you. its just the first 6 chapters out of 54...maybe ill post more, but its long. lol.

I'm going to give this a spin on what I've read already - well written and easily readable

backed

Kev(catherine wheel alley)