Bolters: The Quest for the Natural One

i think this is going to make a great series of books looking forward to reading more

This is a strong start to Bolters. The opening leaps straight into the action and (what I presume will be) the main plot, which is a great way to begin. Though it is strongly plot driven the personalities of the main characters do shine through. I do like this kind of book.

A few minor suggestions, which you might or might not find helpful:

It is not important – it is something I would imagine a copy editor would sort out fairly quickly (though I know nothing about how publishing works) but it a bit of a polish might benefit and there is the occasional odd word choice. Nothing major, and it is certainly nothing that gets in the way of the story, but if it helps, I have found that the best way for me to edit is to read aloud (but that just might be me).

A suggestion for a slight change: I though the dialogue between Paige and the Queen and King in the opening chapter is fine, but didn’t have the urgency that I would expect from them being in a life and death situation. Perhaps Paige could think rather than say some of her replies?

The change in pace and tempo when we turn to Alex is great after the fast paced opening, and the moving from world shattering events to the domestic is very nicely done. Perhaps consider cutting a little from here though, because you don’t want to over do the relaxation. However take that with a huge pinch of salt, you do need a slowing of pace here, and it probably just reflects my person taste for rapid plot development!

Also I cannot believe any sixteen year old would wonder if events in the diary were were true, and would assume (until evidence points otherwise) it was all made up.

But a good read - thank you!

The very best of luck.
Stephen Lucek.

We have lightning bolts in common! On my shelf.
Jan, Fringe of Darkness

Cheers for backing. I have scanned yours and have no problem in reciprocating!

An appealing storyline mixed with a whimsical voice and tone. Backed.

I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

Hi Mallory
I enjoyed what I read of this, but it was totally different to what I expected after reading your pitch. The story is original and the pace is good. The characters are bizarrely eccentric and you use some great dialogue. All in all a great read.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Truly brilliant. I didn't so much as read the story as much as I fell into it. You have a very captivating storyline and are good with details, the only suggestion I can make is with your dialogue, at times it can sound a bit mechanical, i find myself already guessing what the characters are going to say. Who knows, maybe that's a good thing. Other than that this is truly tremendous. Backed with extreme pleasure.

This is quite the story. Lightning bolts flying through the air. the communication by sand was pretty clever. You have a good start to a fantasy here. I'll be back to read more when I get some time. Backed for now.

This is written well and I have backed it for it's potential as a published work. I think if you corrected some of the mistakes through the chapters, this would flow a lot better. If you have have a 'said paige' or 'Paige said.' after speech, there needs to be a , not a . I noticed a few places where this was the case.

I hope this helps.
Aimee
His Pride, Her Prejudice.

I'm not a massive fantasy fan but yours is more 'normal' so i found it an enjoyable read you tok the reader straight into your story and it was easy to follow. Nice clear dialouge.
Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

Bolters: The Quest for the Natural One
Mallory Ball

Interesting plot as gleaned from your pitches. The ability to produce lightening bolts from one's body is a nice, exciting part of your storyline. I remember an X-Files episode in which a young man had acquired that ability to produce lightening at will, after being struck by lightening. You have a good start here I think - "I wish I could have met you, but I do feel I know you through the pages of your diary.... Even though you probably didn't know it at the time, your words have changed my life..." Who in their right mind would not want to continue reading? "Wish me luck." I wish you luck and every success in finding a publisher for this expertly plotted, admirably written piece of YA fiction.

Bolters: The Quest for the Natural One
Mallory Ball

Interesting plot as gleaned from your pitches. The ability to produce lightening bolts from one's body is a nice, exciting part of your storyline. I remember an X-Files episode in which a young man had acquired that ability to produce lightening at will, after being struck by lightening. You have a good start here I think - "I wish I could have met you, but I do feel I know you through the pages of your diary.... Even though you probably didn't know it at the time, your words have changed my life..." Who in their right mind would not want to continue reading? "Wish me luck." I wish you luck and every success in finding a publisher for this expertly plotted, admirably written piece of YA fiction.

An interesting story and definitely written at a good pace and in a style good for the YA crowd. You have some punctuation issues that need attention; in general, this need a thorough edit. But you do a good job with fleshing out your characters, and with the dialogue between them. I like your cover a lot too. Great work.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

the whole lightning bolt thing is a nice twist on magic. I liked the idea, and the set up of crazy poerful bloke out for world domination worked well. You start off with a big action set piece which got things going with a bang. i think the different lightningbolts flying about was nicely done.

The writing is okay but theer were a lot of small punctuation errors that copuld do with looking at, especially around dialogue. Most of the time it's okay so most likely they are just typos. The kind of thing I mean is:
"Ouch!" She said.
should be
"Ouch!" she said.
or
"It's safe." said the Queen.

There's also the occasional awkwardly worded sentence like:
Paige scanned the wall that her great great grandfather King Shiloh August had built with his own hands for the missing man.
Which reads like King Shiloh buily the wall especially for the missing man. i would advise you to read the story out loud to yourself to pick out these sorts of small errors.

The part where you explain about the island of Knaveorious was a bit confusing. A lot of history summarised in a few lines. Just a little clarifying would help. 'She knew her mother hated her grandfather' could mean Queen Knox hated her own grandfather.

In the Bolticle bit you started switching between present and past tense which didn't feel quite right. Might be worth looking at that again. My feeling is it's best left all in the same tense.

I wasn't a big fan of the name Peter Pepper, makes him sound like a nursery rhyme character. A matter of taste though.

Overall i think there are a lot of good ideas here, the writing is easy to read, and the characters well drawn. The prose could do with a little editing, imo, but the general tone and pace felt right. Backed.

Hi Mallory, Very original and well written. Great names for your characters. Backed.
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

I came into this wondering if it was going to be a usual fantasy novel but I'm happy to be proved wrong! You've got a unique and refreshing premise here and are bringing something new to the table. I love something a little different from the norm! The writing is great and I really enjoyed reading it. The characters are strong and likable, I'm invested in what happens to them from here on out. You've put a lot of work into this and it shows in the quality of your writing. Glad I took a chance on this!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

This is refreshingly different.
What an immense and well thought out plot. Very much liked the character Alex, thought she was very cleverly fleshed out.
Great visual descriptions give atmosphere and grounded the story in my imagination. Great book very much enjoyed.

Clever turn on the classic fantasy situation, and the writing suits it well. Happy to back this for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

BOLTERS
This is a fantasy story on steroids or to be exact, lightening power. Because Alex has such extreme power, it makes this story stand out among all the other fantasy ones here where a gal is a simple witch or vampire. Your fantasy world is well described so it’s easy for a reader to feel as much as home there as in your real world. Makes this a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

BOLTERS: THE QUEST FOR THE NATURAL ONE
Mallory Ball

Mallory, you are a supreme architect of world building. I cannot wait to get back to your Three Kingdoms and do battle with the sinister Knave Jackson. What inventive names you have for everything. Evocative just beyond awareness of some place or someone we have known before. It's just entrancing reading this story. How I wish there was more to entertain me. I love it.

While the scenes in modern times create quite a different atmosphere, they are still always entwined with the past and that makes of them more interesting. I can see Alex is in for some surprises. I am eager to learn what happened to Peter and Prince Liam.

I do hope you will put me on a list to message me when you post more chapters here.

I am really pleased to back this incredible adventure. I congratulate you on a magnificent beginning.

I thank you kindly for backing my book, A King in Time.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

You are so totally fantastic, Mallory! :) How can I thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books?
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Your use of foreshadowing in the prologue set the tone for your book beautifully. Your highly descriptive writing style makes this finely crafted fantasy a sure hit for the YA audience. Your work is well paced and well written. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is solid. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Strong writing and easily one of the most engaging reads I've read on the site. This if perfect for the target audience and beyond. You've clearly thought through this concept, and hte effort you have invested in constructing this piece is evident.

Backed with pleasure,
Abi xxx

This novel is one of the most unique I've found on the site. It is a compelling read and you have a unique voice. I do have one quibble which I would address as a matter of urgency. James Patterson's Alex Cross series is one of the most popular/ commerical series on the market. I know it's a different genre (and sex, for that matter) but still, the name has definitely been taken. Please change your heroine's name. Your story flows well and you have created a world that is truly fascinating fascinating. I am truly impressed with the originality on display here.
Backed with joy
Carl
The Time Hunters

Dear Mallory, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" your book, I will also put your book on my "watchlist." Could you please take a moment to "back" my completed unedited memoir version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end tells of my illness now & 6th abusive marriage. I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy.

BOLTERS: THE QUEST FOR THE NATURAL ONE

Dear Mallory,

The prologue is teased me to continue reading. Your writing is an excellent mix of narrative and dialogue. And the dialogue reveals your characters wonderfully.

This book is on my shelf.

A Zoomer
Going Out in Style

Dear Mallory, I love your heroine diary entries. :) I'd love to be able to have super powers against those that harm me, too, like in my memoir. Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

Great YA story. backed
why does Princess Paige have dirty blonde hair? Dosen't fit right I think

Great YA story. backed
why does Princess Paige have dirty blonde hair? Dosen't fit right I think

Great YA story. backed
why does Princess Paige have dirty blonde hair? Dosen't fit right I think

Great YA story. backed
why dose Princess Paige have dirty blonde hair? Dosen't fit right I think

I think this is the perfect young adult book! Samrt and witty - yet has that element of fantasy that teens and young peopel devour! You are a gifted writer when it comes to dialogue and pop culture! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

I liked this. I think it had a good story line and believable characters - but something that I noticed was that several of the sentances throughout the book were missing comma's. But I really like it other than that!

I can't comment on YA with any great experience as I don't write in it, but I can say this was entertainng and enjoyable.

backed

Lorrii

Hi Mallory,

I finally got around to reading your book. I won't go too much into editing/grammar/typos as once you're finished you'll be going through it again to edit. The only thing that confused me was the diary entries in Chap 6 where the date changes between 1911, 1921 and 1912 on several occassions.

Mostly, I liked the lightning powers. Despite what someone commented below, this is a a sci-fi/fantasy novel and such considerations are taken into account and who knows what's on the inside of your bolters ;-) Great imagination with the powers and applications. Keep up the good work. Already backed.

Cheers,

Ray
The Starguards.

The prologue was good, teasing us with some vague ideas which will, no doubt, become clearer as we go. I really like the idea for your story, and for the most part you tell it well. The first chapter immediately immerses us in the action.

There are some areas where the prose could be reworked a little for a smoother, more accurate telling. For instance, "Two purple rays of light streamed up into the sky from their bodies which could be seen from every point of the kingdom". I think we can rearrange the words to make things clearer. Perhaps, "Two purple rays of light, seen from every point in the kingdom, streamed from their bodies into the sky" might work a little better.

At any rate, this is a fun and exciting read. One definitely gets the feeling that there are many adventures ahead, and the end of the first chapter gets it right.

Well done and backed!

The prologue was good, teasing us with some vague ideas which will, no doubt, become clearer as we go. I really like the idea for your story, and for the most part you tell it well. The first chapter immediately immerses us in the action.

There are some areas where the prose could be reworked a little for a smoother, more accurate telling. For instance, "Two purple rays of light streamed up into the sky from their bodies which could be seen from every point of the kingdom". I think we can rearrange the words to make things clearer. Perhaps, "Two purple rays of light, seen from every point in the kingdom, streamed from their bodies into the sky" might work a little better.

At any rate, this is a fun and exciting read. One definitely gets the feeling that there are many adventures ahead, and the end of the first chapter gets it right.

Well done and backed!

Cool concept, fast pace, intersting characters. All the makings of a great book! Happy to back this!

Tawn Anderson (Providence)

Mallory, this is a very enjoyable book that is easy to follow and the dual worlds give us different perspectives and sooner or later a collision, I think! Good imagination with the powers and the way they use them for things other than weapons. Backed with pleasure and best of luck.

Aaron,
"80 Grit"

Mallory, I've looked at your first chapter. Strong writing. Only one thing struck me as out of place, and here's how I would have done it. Third paragraph from top: [...rested peacefully in her bed, her long, dirty...]

Backed.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This is a very intriguing concept and you write it well. The action scenes are well played out and your opposing characters are excellently drawn.
Best of luck.
Already Backed,
Tracy
The Guardians

This is well written. I like the lightning bolt powers. That's cool. I think you can get more impact from the revelation of the lightning power by adding more sensory details. Your visual descriptions are clear, but what about the other senses. Sound, feeling, smell? Adding sensory detail would make your scenes more vivid. Good luck with this. Backed.

David Wisehart
Devil's Lair

Fascinating, and I don't usually like alternative world books. Backed.

Hi Mallory,

This is an interesting story and you are a good story teller, but there are a few technical problems. The first thing that stands out is your character name 'Alex Cross'. This is the name of a character in a series of books by James Patterson, some of which have been filmed (Along came a Spider). Though character names can't be copyrighted, this one is so well known that it could cause confusion and problems.

Talking of character names, the name Paige would be unlikely to be used in Royal Circles - it sounds too much like Page, and it would be normal for a queen to have a page.

Some of your paragraph's have mixed tenses and there are a few sudden changes in pov. Also, probably a typo but you spell throne as thrown.

These things need to be corrected if you expect this to be considered for publication, but the story idea is good so it's worth spending some time on making these changes.

I hope these cooments are of some help to you.

Ron

Great fast paced opening prologue and chapter 1. This work needs a lot of polish. Throne is mispelled as thrown, for instance. It appears English may not be your first language. If this is so, you're doing well. If not, you'd better get a dictionary and go through this with a fine toothed comb. I like the story premise for kids. It's not too far fetched, but I am concerned that the actual physics of such races of beings would not be plausible for beings with human like physiology. They would quicky dehydrate to death as a result of producing this sort of heat andlight fro within their bodies in a nonaqueous environment. I am backing this for encouragement sake. Keep writing!

Love, Callaghan (The Shouting Tree)

How absolutely fascinating, YA are going to love this story. Even my six year old would love the idea of lightning bolts. It reminded me of the God Indra in Indian mythology who had a powerful lightning bolt called Vajra. The story is well written and blend of old world and new world is nicely portrayed. Glad to back it.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

Mallory, Fantasy isn't my genre, but having said that I enjoyed this. Alot. Well written, your structure and grammer are great, the content exciting and action packed...wish I had some constructive criticism, but I don't. It is very good and I think it will go very far here.
Backed
Paul
We've Seen the Enemy

Mallory, Fantasy isn't my genre, but having said that I enjoyed this. Alot. Well written, your structure and grammer are great, the content exciting and action packed...wish I had some constructive criticism, but I don't. It is very good and I think it will go very far here.
Backed
Paul
We've Seen the Enemy

Mallory, Fantasy isn't my genre, but having said that I enjoyed this. Alot. Well written, your structure and grammer are great, the content exciting and action packed...wish I had some constructive criticism, but I don't. It is very good and I think it will go very far here.
Backed
Paul
We've Seen the Enemy

Here for our swap read thingy :)
Firstly, I feel that this is well pitched for your target readers. It has in it the kinds of things they will enjoy reading about, the elements of fantasy and romance really appeal to this age group.
I like Alex, she's well-drawn, the fact that she's different is a really good hook.
This is fast-moving, IMO, exciting and fun. I don't nit-pick the technical stuff bc I don't feel qualified, but I didn't see anything anyway.
I wish you luck, you're on my shelf.
Bests,
AP
(Matty McDuff)