Twisted

A death is a great place to start – jeez that sounds terrible. I hope you know what I mean. Your opening was action packed and really pulled me in. It’s eerily and has a bit of mystery hanging over it. I’m not usually a fan of a prologue but this hit punchy bang on and I really want to read more.
Ch 1 – I still like the story but it’s not quite as snappy as the prologue (that’s ok, it’s almost impossible to keep up with the super speed beginning you start with). Some of the dialogue got a little lost here. I would have definitely preferred more speech and less back-story. That’s purely a personal observation so please take what I say with a pinch of salt.
I think this is enjoyable. Like us all there is a little tidy up to be done, very minimal, which makes you in the minority here. I hope you do very well with this. Deserves plenty of stars.

Janny

PS forgot to mention I think the title works perfectly for the story :)

Hi Cat: Ok i've read a couple more chapters. It's really good! Again this is simply my own suggestions perhaps in the second chapter a great opportunity to bring in some drama with a couple of paragraphs on how he feels about the death of his wife. eg he's obsessed with finding the killer and refuses to take time off work. Or bring in the department shrink who may want to console him with his lose.I made a similar mistake in my book when Shelly's husband died until a friend pointed out there should be some grieving. Otherwise i am really liking the story Well done.

Hi Cat,

I've read through to the end of Chapter 1 and can make few comments that haven't already been covered (particularly by pcreturned).

Your prologue is pacey and dragged me right into the story. I felt for Cramer and wanted to know what would happen to him. Great start. But the last line of the prologue is a head-hop. I have been in the third-person POV of Cramer, and he cannot see the killer sitting watching him. Therefore, unless you are actually writing in the omnscient POV, neither can we, the reader. I get what you are trying to show but think you need to find a different way to do it, or, drop that line. Maybe we can find out much later that the killer watched? Do we need to know? Obviously if someone killed Cramer's wife, he wants to play games with Cramer. It is implied. There must be a reason, right? Sometimes more is less. Leave me wondering.

In chapter 1, as pcreturned points out, you bury dialogue in paragraphs. It struck me first when Cramer asked 'What yelling?'
The previous paragraph had been so long, with a lot of telling me back-story, that I had forgotten that Sarge had mentioned yelling. I had to stop, go back, re-read, and also figure out who was saying what when. The dialogue just doesn't flow when you have narration between every line like this. Try to get a few lines out before you narrate again.
In general, there just seems to be too much exposition going on here (I am often guilty of the same and my editor told me off a lot).

I am backing you based on what I have read. Your drew me in fast and the story promises to continue to be of interest. I hope to come back and read more soon. In the meantime, I hope this starts to go up in the ranks again.
Good luck.

Greg
The Spanish Helmet

Oh, one criticism would be your one-line pitch - you use "her" twice and it's not quite clear who you're referring to.

A devastating opening chapter - perfectly set up and executed in a couple of hundred words. A very harsh start for Cramer, and I wonder if he'll get some blame slung his way, owing by the way he cradles his wife? Heavy stuff, augurs well for the rest

P

Hi Cat. Read the first chapter really pulled me in. As a novice myself just a couple of comments. The first two paragraphs. i found this a little confusing. had to go over it twice. Only a suggestion after the first italics follow with the second paragraph describing his intentions then the italics almost there....He unlocked the door and stepped into the house. i plan on going back and reading more but for now have placed on my WL and rated Sincerely Michelle

Hi Cat,

I finally have time to read your book. Sorry it took a day or 2, but I've been v busy lately. :(

I'll comment as I read, since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they'll just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

Prologue: Shocking start. You don't waste any time, do you? I think that's 1 of the quickest and messiest deaths I've seen on authonomy. I definitely want to read on. ;)

I do have 1 thought, though. Occasionally, you tell the reader things. It's a bit like lecturing facts to a student. I think the scene would be even more vivid if you could find ways to show.

eg "Detective Don Cramer felt the fatigue right through to his bones." is you telling the reader a fact. "Detective Don Cramer's bones ached. He groaned and rubbed his leg..." would be you showing the reader what's going on. This way, the reader would share Don's experiences. They'd really feel for him and root for him.

eg2 "shock made him freeze" is telling. "He froze" is enough. That way, the reader can infer what's happened. It would get them more involved in the story.

Chapter 1: Shouty boss. He doesn't sound happy. I can't wait to find out what got him so annoyed :)

1 tiny suggestion. If possible, try to lead off with dialogue in stead of burying it in paragraphs. Dialogue reads faster and easier that way.

Reading on. Looks like Don's chasing a nasty serial killer. Looks like he's changed.

No surpise there. What happened in the prologue would change anybody. He's angry and sad. and it looks like he's really been pissing every1 off. No wonder they try to take him off the case. I'm guessing nothing will stop him chasing this case, though. ;)

A new victim. Will this break the case?

1 small suggestion. I don't think you need the tiny section where they park at the hospital. Cut it and have a read. I think you'll find the story reads fine, and should be faster without the interruption.

Hmmm it's strange the petite woman seems relatively unhurt. You leave the reader wanting to read on to find out why ...

OK I think I've read enough now to have a feel for your writing and your book. It's a fast-paced and visceral read that I can see appealing to its audience. You do a good job of keeping things moving, and leaving us wanting to read on at the end of each chapter. Good stuff. :)

My main nitpick would be that I think this would read even better if you found ways to show rather than tell. I think such a technique would really draw readers into the story.

Anyway, I've gone on for far too long now, so I'll shut up. I've rated this highly, and will find a slot on my shelf for you at the earliest opportunity. :)

Best of luck getting your book published,

Pete x

Cat,
Your story packs a punch to the solar plexus. The prose is gritty, the dialogue real, the characters sympathetic. The sexual dynamic between Don and Dusty add to the fuel by which your story hurtles forward at a fast clip. "Twister" clamors for resolution and I find myself in the bleachers, egging Don onward to closure as a killer's trail beckons. Thank you for the rollercoaster ride.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Cat,

Overall, this is quite good, but it needs quite a bit of work before it's ready for publication. You have a few missing words such as an 'of' in the prologue and in chapter one you have sentence reading 'There was a time when keep everthing hidden and tuked away'. which obviously doesn't make sense.


The prologue is good and gets straight into the action, but why is it it a prologue? Why not just chapter one. It obviously happens chronologically before your actual chapter one sop there's no need fro it to be a prologue. Many readers skip prologues and would therefore miss this essential information as well as some good writing.

Your biggest problem, however, is one of credinility. No matter how short of staff a police fore is, the husband of a victim would not be permitted to work on the case. He might continue to work on other cases, but would not be permitted to work on one where he was personally involved. There are ways to get round this, such as him ivestigating in his own time without his superiors knowledge, but you certainly need to work round it somehow.

Ron

The psychopath can be said to lack those conditioned (reflections) we call conscience. Nick Marshall does not quite fulfill that definition but comes very close to it. C.A. Vincent adeptly uses the authorial device of a double personality similar to R.L. Stevenson's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Over the 13 Chapters posted, most aspects of the standard thriller are touched on to create an absorbing Whodunit. There's stalking, terror, rape,mystery/romance played out with good and bad cop characters. The central female character is strongly defined and attracts the reader's continual attention and empathy. The mix delivers quality reading and an attractive potential which should transfer smoothly to other media such as TV/Film script adaptation. A product of great commercial value here I think. Highly starred ***** and marked up for my Backing as soon as there's a place in the crowded line-up clamouring to get on my Bookshelf. Thank you Cait for inviting me to read - Twisted.

Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

Cait - gripping stuff, right from the beginning. I dont watch horror films and I'm not a reader of blood and thunder novels, but I do enjoy whodunnits, and your Prologue hasnt put me off. You write well, and the story races along in Ch.2, introducing hooks and developing the characters.
I am a little muddled about the two interviews with Al. It's probably just me, but I'm wondering if it would flow better if you condensed them into one? And what happens to Sarge at the end of the second chapter...
But these are minor points. I'm rating you, and re-shelving for further reading.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

Jane,

Al and "Sarge" are one and the same. He doesn't go anywhere. The interviews with Al are broken up because there's a lapse of time between them. I'll have a look at that chapter to see how that can be reworked so it's clearer. I am working on the chapters subsequent to what has been posted and will be posting more as I go through them.

Thanks for your kind comments. I hope you enjoy the rest.

Cat

Cait - gripping stuff, right from the beginning. I dont watch horror films and I'm not a reader of blood and thunder novels, but I do enjoy whodunnits, and your Prologue hasnt put me off. You write well, and the story races along in Ch.2, introducing hooks and developing the characters.
I am a little muddled about the two interviews with Al. It's probably just me, but I'm wondering if it would flow better if you condensed them into one? And what happens to Sarge at the end of the second chapter...
But these are minor points. I'm rating you, and re-shelving for further reading.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

I've gone through the first few chapters of Twisted, and I've enjoyed the story line and characters. I think the story has lots of pull and could do very well. I found it a tad over written in places, for example, the paragraph in the first chapter that starts 'Lisa jerked in his arms'. This could be very powerful if trimmed (ie. take out the first word 'as', and 'he said the words which ripped at his heart'. Also a few minor POV adjustments could help.
These are minor points that reflect my tastes only. I've rated the book highly, and wish you the best with it.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

Hi Cat
I've had a chance to look at Twisted now. It is a great read and I've backed it.

You asked for comments, though, and I have a couple. A minor one is that in a few places (not many) the dialogue seemed too frenetic and confused., or actually it may be the narrative mixed in with the dialogue. An example is the first scene between Don and Al.

My main comment is a suggestion. When I got to chapter 2, I found the switch to the first appearance of Dusty disconcerting when I wanted to know what Don was going to find out from the woman who was attacked (and on top of that the initial scene perhaps went on too long). I think it might be better to re-arrange the ordering. After the prologue, you already have the reader well hooked with the explosive start. Continue with chapter 2 and chapter 3 up to the point where Dusty is attacked by the psycho. Then insert chapter 1, ending with Don meeting Dusty. Or continue with the whole of chapter 3 so we see the meeting between Dusty and Don first from Dusty's pov. (Incidentally, just noticed your main characters both have names beginning with D. Writing advice is to avoid that).

I hope these comments help.
Regards
Graham Keeler

I found this my accident. Your book certainly won't stay at this low rating. Although you haven't uploaded all that much, it's a really excellent first chapter despite the fact that many crime novels open with a scene of carnage. Yours has more depth and introduces a really sympathetic character. Although the remaining chapters are good, I'm not entirely sure about the structure. The remaining chapters will determine that. I sincerely admire your book
High starred.
JRM
A FEAST OF TALES and
GOOD FOR HIM on my other avatar of Lara

Brilliant opening chapter!! The images are so clear and full of emotion. Will be backing it!!! Starred!!!
Just saw one very small, tiny typo - "He smiled as images [of] her..."

:D
Asma
The Therions

Wow, instant anguish! I'm not one for thrillers or crime but you begin this story with great drama and suspense- so many questions in my mind... Fascinating characters (Dusty Devane is such a cool name!) and I can't spot any obvious errors grammatically, not that I'm hot on that! Best wishes :-)

I read 3 chapters and feel that it sounds definitely like Crime, rather than the other labels you have tagged it. It is best to be sure of what you are writing as the reader needs to know what they are investing their time in.

The first chapter is written achingly descriptive in its portray of a murder scene. I could feel the anguish of both the victim as well as the husband. However, you did this whilst mixing up the Point of Views. It just isn't done. It disorientates the reader to be reading something from the point of view of the husband, then suddenly.... we are reading the thoughts of the victim.....worse that we think that she is dead! This is easy to fix, so don't despair. Ideally, write from one person's viewpoint. The narrator can always fill in the gaps.

The other chapters read really well. I am sure you will continue with your wonderful storytelling technique till the end. However, keep each piece of dialogue on a separate line. Look in recent novels to see how it is laid out.

I think you have done a good job of relating the story, although it needs some technical editing.

Backed.

Best wishes
Marilyn

I have so far read the prologue and first chapter, and they get off to a very promising start. The prologue was well written and pulled me in, but I did find the POV changes rather harsh - I think it would be more effective sticking with Cramer's POV for the prologue. The action was very good, though. Likwise, chapter 1 read well. I'd say be careful with your dialogue tags; you have a good few 'snapped' and a wide variety of others, including 'railed,' 'stated,' 'barked,' 'yelled,' 'bellowed,' 'muttered'....

nice opening -ah the paradox of killing - really stylish writing

Wow, what a start! Great opening chapter; well written. Exciting story. Backed with pleasure.

Fast paced opening, with plenty of drama. Backed.

II found Twisted a very good read and look forward to the complete book being posted. It's well written and I like most of the characters. I'm BACKING it and have a place on my shelf for it.

Frank James (The Contractor)

This is a fun tale--and you have it moving fast and furious--which is good--except I think alittle bit too much happens to poor Dusty in too short a time. I think the pool-side scene should be re-worked and maybe Dusty even removed from it...maybe she could just see him being a pig from the distances and shake her head and he sees it and is obviously angered--so would target her. Or have the pool-side scene but not the dream one....something. But having said that I love Dusty and I love the tension with Carmer--all perfect.
Barbara

A gripping read with well defined charcters and diolouge. C W

This is a well written story. Very vivid characters and evocative scenes. Backed.

Horrific and a superb close to ch1. Just the right amount of introduction in the first paragraph to bring us to the carnage in the bedroom. Might want to think about the change of POV from Don to Liza though it doesn't bother me in the slightest. (Apparently publishers hate it.)
Emotion and eeriness, vividly evoked. Backed. Lynn

Two things I noticed about the pitch.

First, in the bold section, I think you should remove the pronoun "you" from the sentence. Make it about the character, not the reader.

Second, it all made sense until the last paragraph. I had no idea what you were trying to say about Marshall. Was he envisioning himself as the killer? Is he the kiler? Is the killer trying to make the police suspect him?

In the third paragraph from the end of the first chapter, you wrote, "...she concentrated Don's handsome..." I think you meant to say, "she concentrated on Don's handsome..."

Other than these items, you have the start of a good story. However, as much as I deplore long chapters, yours was way too short. I think you need to build the relationship between the cop and his wife more to make the reader care about them. Her death and the preceding bloodbath didn't really make me feel anything for the characters.

Best of luck with it.
Mike

Twisted is full of larger than life characters in the city of angles. An embittered cop angry at himself for the failure to protect his own wife from a serial killer. A no nonsense tourist, who gives as good she gets, and a up and coming celebrity. Its a case of miss identification all the time, as Destiny Devane thinks she spots Vin Diesel in the hotel lobby and is attacked by the new protege on the Hollywood circuit, Nick Marshal even if he comes up with a reliable albi. Terrific story thoroughly entertaining, you know the sparks are going to fly when Detective Cramer is given the job of guarding Dusty Devane
Real over the top characters rich in attitude and hostillity, an adrenalin rush.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility

Good pace and easy to read prose. The premise is a pretty familiar one (crazy killler/worn down cop) and the initial finding of his his sliced up wife was a bit flat narratively speaking (he goes in and there she is). Felt a bit static, although it was quite gruesome.

You capture his manic desperation to catch the killer well, clearly he's about to go off the deep end.

Not sure why he's called the celebrity killer since he doesn't appear to kill celebrities, perhaps that will become clearer later,

Solid start to this sort of story, my only concern would be the familiarity of the characters and premise early on. If there are elements of this story that would make it stand out from the crowd I would suggest highlighting them earlier rather than later,

Backed.

Hello CA,
Well your short pitch certainly warned me. Your long pitch grabbed me and would not let go so I had not choice, I read. WOW I had to stop because your characters were playing mad in my head. Very well crafted book and too good. I cant take too much of this on the edge of my seat stuff. Very well done. I have one comment about the long pitch and that is to put paras in. This may be the first possbile read your potential publishers will have of your book and it gives the iompression of being a little long, which of course it is not....But only a suggestion....backed of course.....I am so glad I crossed over to another genre, as it gave me the chance to read comment and BACK your book......Please review my book and COMMENT and if you feel so, BACK it. either way the BEST of luck with yours

Denise
The Letter

Dear C.A., I love all of the intrigue in your heroine's story - so much suspense. :) Great write. :) I love detective stories since high school & Nancy Drew. Your pitch & prologue are excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

Twisted

[Thank you for returning my backing. T. ☼☼☼☼☼☼]

The collapsing pile of files in Sarge’s office, followed by a random juxtaposition of two files on the floor. “Eureka!” “He marked the position with a paperweight.” Now that’s funny. Then Cramer does some thinking and has a new lead. But he and Sarge go off to the hospital to talk to the latest victim before we find out what either of the two leads are. And then you do it again with the image of the children flying all over the place spooked by the siren. But “there were no pint sized people in sight today”. You throw in some very entertaining lines along the way. And again in chapter three: Dusty throws the coke in Nick’s face and “it’s on him!” Great line! Dusty is a great character and I was expecting her to fall for Nick. You play with this quite nicely what with the scene in the gym and then him attacking her, or is he? The intensity of the police questioning is interesting and the serial killer’s name, the “Celebrity Killer”, gives a clue, I am wondering where we are going with this and then you pull off your masterstroke, the dressing on her shoulder when she’s in hospital identifies her as the latest victim of the killer and we get back to the incident earlier but from her POV. Wonderful plotting! Now by the end we have a love story as well. Great characterisation. By the end when Dusty’s beating the crap out of Raoul she has really come alive. A great read. You have rather lost sight of the twin insights Sarge and Cramer had in the opening and were interrupted by the call announcing Dusty had been attacked, perhaps this is in the next chapter?. I’m backing this unreservedly, and I’d be really grateful if you can find the time to take a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return.

There is a potency to your prose that sucks the reader in with stunning imagery and vivid descriptions. The narrative is clear, concise and skilled, building the tension with ease. Fabulously written.

Abi xxx

It is a shame you don't have more chapters loaded, but I read your pitch and I can undersatnd why. This is a great plot, well written and I am happy to back.

Anthony
Aqua Omega

To be honest, this is not the type of book I would read, but I'm in the minority. However, your writing skill shines through immediately and I'm sure this will sell. Good luck. Jayne Lind

great pitch. excellent writing and story.
backed.
a zoomer
Going Out in Style

...
I was a bit confused by the nickname "Sarge". I had concluded that he was the detectives' superior. (Am I wrong?) I would have thought that he wouldn't be too happy with its continued use after numerous promotions. Don't they all prefer "guv"? If I have misunderstood, a bit of clarifying might be helpful.
Backed, and best of luck with this.
Jann King ("Making Connections")

Al "Sarge" Roscoe is in fact Cramer's superior. The story is set in California and not England. The research I've done puts the direct superior as the Sargeant. Perhaps I've misunderstood the research. I will do a little more digging. Thank you for the backing. If I haven't done so already, I will add your book to my watch list to read when I have a bit more time.

Chantal
"Twisted"

The blurb, with its great yarn, promises a good read, which it delivers. The opening is suitably gory, made all the more so because the poor woman is still alive. I liked your description of her last moments. Then, when the story got going, I was hooked. Your writing is pithy and raw, and fits well into the thriller genre. A difficult hero with issues has to be a winner.
I was a bit confused by the nickname "Sarge". I had concluded that he was the detectives' superior. (Am I wrong?) I would have thought that he wouldn't be too happy with its continued use after numerous promotions. Don't they all prefer "guv"? If I have misunderstood, a bit of clarifying might be helpful.
Backed, and best of luck with this.
Jann King ("Making Connections")

I was looking over reads that I hadn't returned and found "Twisted." It was great! I read all you posted, and would like to read more. The characters are realistic and the action doesn't stall. You have a winner here, in my opinion. Jesselowe

despite backing this when i first registered some several weeks before - I feel worth it as I now have read more of what you offer - brilliant and congratulations.
Andy and Vesna
When Spirits Break Free

Hi, CA -

I'm pretty sure I read Twisted a few weeks ago, and backed it. But I'm not 100% certain.

So, I'm backing it again.

Masterful job of structuring a complex plot and showing us things one doesn't usually see in the genre.

Reminds me a little of William Goldman's No Way To Treat A Lady. And trust me, that's a good thing.

Best of luck here, and I'd love to see your thoughts on my book.

Thanks.

- Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

This is a good story. It's more complica.ted that the usual thriller - and that's good. You've created good characters. Describe good settings. Makes this a good read. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt)

I'm not the Crime/Thriller kind of reade and yet, I've found a number of them on this site that simply compell me to keep reading. This is one of them.

Lockjaw

TWISTED:

C.A.,

The pitch describes a plot that is built on a strong foundation, promising a thriller that will deliver an exciting and nail-biting read.

A heart-stopping prologue with the three different p.o.v.s well delineated, putting us in the picture and whetting our appetites.

Good, strong characterisation through dialogue and introspection. I did feel though, that there were some unnecessary adverbs, especially as you clearly have the writing ability to do without most of them.

Good luck with this.

Backed.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

TWISTED:

C.A.,

The pitch describes a plot that is built on a strong foundation, promising a thriller that will deliver an exciting and nail-biting read.

A heart-stopping prologue with the three different p.o.v.s well delineated, putting us in the picture and whetting our appetites.

Good, strong characterisation through dialogue and introspection. I did feel though, that there were some unnecessary adverbs, especially as you clearly have the writing ability to do without most of them.

Good luck with this.

Backed.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

I've backed this one before I think, however i didn't comment on it...sorry, unusual for me.
This is without doubt one of the fastest paced and rivetting reads in this genre that i have read for quite a while. I'm a big fan of Baldacci's thrillers and your portrait of the sociopath doing the murders is chilling indeed.

Dusty is tiny and fiesty as all hell. A wonderful female MC and Cramer in agony at his inability to have protected his wife and the other murdered woman is finely drawn, a man in pain and struggling to find any resemblance of what he once was. He is attracted to Dusty in spite of himself.

Nick Marshall..arrogant pig of a man..I don't know if he is the psycho or not at this stage having only read 1-7.
It seems that way...but I don't think so...just me, but that seems too easy.

I have put this briefly back on my shelf. and have no hesitation in recommending it to anyone who enjoys a chilling fast paced read.
Suzannah Burke
Dudes Down Under

I skipped ahead to chapter 24. I like your writing style. I would recommend that you cut way back on the exclamation points. Let your words- rather than the punctuation- in your dialogue convey the intensity.

Good luck with this!

Cyndi
Between

The plot is just a bit over-the-top, but the dialogue and description is first class. I suspended my disbelief just a little bit more than usual, and enjoyed the story a lot.
Eric Wilder - Prairie Sunset

A solid story with a gripping opening prologue. I would like to know more about the setting in the first chapter to help flesh out the picture. For the pitch, perhaps start with Cramer then 'meanwhile' into Dusty so the reader gets more of what they expect? Tania, This Last Summer