Into The Dark (Book One of Melanie's Tale)

Hi Amy,

I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered:()

Chapter 1:Vivid intoductory paragraph. I can really imagine the sights and sounds of the celebration. And I get the feeling there's big trouble coming soon.;)

1 tiny suggestion. I think occasionally you don't need to go into such detail in descriptions. eg in "Bright torches burned in every colour..." the reader can infer the torches are bright because burning torches are bright. I think you can cut "bright" to make the description more effective. I almost always think it's best to try and describe vividly, but in as few words as possible. ;)

Reading on... Hmmm who or what is this mysterious figure? They're obviously up to no good. After all, who has reason to slink around on a night of such celebration?

1 more tiny suggestion here. I think 90% of the time the best verb does a better job than a weaker verb-adverb pair. eg I think "... creeping towards the quiet academy" would work better than "...moving silently up towards the quiet academy." as "creeping" implies furtiveness and silence. Increasingly, I think a large part of writing boils down to hunting the best verbs. ;)

Reading on... Hmmm I'm intrigued by Melanie. She's obviously tough and trained. And she's a thief. I wonder, will she pull off the heist she's engaged in? Good section. I can almost feel the tension. It looks like there's a trap, but she seems to smart and careful to fall into it. Success! She's got the documents. Now she just needs to get out.

1 tiny suggestion here. I think occasionally some of your paragraphs are pretty long. Is there any way you could break up the longer paragraphs? As things stand, they'd make intimidating blocks of text on the page for thickos like me. ;)

Reading on... Uh oh. Something's wrong. Somebody's there, and magik seems to be involved. A thief's worst nightmare. Then somebody grabs her, but Melanie's obviously been in this situation before. She manages to get the best of them and flee. Dramatic 1st chapter. I want to read on and see where this goes. ;)

Chapter 2: Oh it looks like Melanie's a student at the place she just robbed. I didn't expect that. And it looks like she's the odd one out among the rich students. Good dialogue between the prof and Herman. I can almlost feel Herman squirming. Hey that sort of rhymes. :)

I've a small suggestion here, though. Your dialogue's good, so I don't think you need to explain it so much. eg in " "But sir, I didn't..." Herman pleaded pathetically..." the reader can infer that Herman's pleading from the dialogue itself. You don't need the explanation afterwards. I'd just leave your dialogue to shine on its own merits. ;)

Reading on... Aha it looks like Melanie was stealing for Herman. I was surprised when she interrupted his bollocking. I didn't expect her to be kind. Wow, she even goes so far as to own up the thet herself. I never thought she'd do that for the pathetic Herman.

Buth the prof actually seems impressed. And there's a clear rapport between Melanie and the prof that's nice. Despite the fact she doesn't have the money of the other students, she clearly has plenty of talent.

Vanessa's an interesting character. A vampire cross. Must be difficult staying friends with somebody when you know they always want to drink your blood, especially when they are getting v hungry ;). lovely interaction between the 2 of them, though. They're plainly friends. I almost laughed out loud when I read Melanie's complaint she's too short to scare people. My wife's on the short side, and is occasionally a v angry little person. Melanie's words sound just like something she'd say.

The king seems a good sort, strong and wise. The prince seems fine too. Hmm I wonder who this older brother is who nobody talks of. There must be some major reason the succession skips him. Does he have mental/physical problems? Or is he evil? Intriguing mystery...

Sound like a big celebration's coming, but Melanie doesn't want to go. hmmm... why do I suspect something will go horribly wrong? ;)

OK I've just seen how much I've written. Sorry about that. I didn't mean to go overboard. I'll stop now before I annoy you. :(

I enjoyed your story. I think Melanie's a great central character that girls will empathise with. She's strong and smart, and she's got real guts. The dialogue and banter between her and her friends is fun, and cracks along at a good pace. And, more importantly, there are hints that dark times are coming. I can see readers wanting to read on and find out what happens...

I've just rated your book v highly, and hope you find an agent/publisher soon. :)

Best of luck,

Pete x

Truly superb work, clearly you're an up and coming star. I'm almost jealous ;) You'vecreated something here that both captivates and enchants the reader. It's fabulous, that's all there is to it.

Backed.
Abi xxx

I can't believe you are only 16 - this reads like it has been written by someone with years of writing experience.. while I dont normally buy Young Adult fiction maybe I should start because this type of fantasy fiction is something I have always loved.. I think you do very well to capture the immediacy of the setting and Melanie as main character.. fascinating stuff - Backed with pleasure!

How can your school not be good to have produced a writer like you? Imagination isn't the point - most people of your age have that. It's having the determination and talent to slog away at writing it down. Even then you might not come up with something others want to read. But believe me, that won't happen to you. Character, plot, narrative, you know what it is that keeps us entertained. Brilliant. Backed. LYNN

This is excellent and compels the reader to keep going! I want more! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Chapter 10. Brilliant. Edits are necessary, yes, but you are really hitting your stride here. The suspense is great. "Then she felt it."
"Power."

And the end, "Or waiting."

You could get rid of the asides like, "she protested half-heartedly" and just say, "She was as anxious to get away....." Let the good stuff stand on its own. Cuz it really is good stuff. In chapter ten I see your voice shining through. Reading on and highly rated on this story's potential...JKinkade

Nice! Love it! Good stuff here. Just a couple of nits on chapter 1...take them or leave them. Just my opinions!

Is Melanie the mysterious figure? It's not clear. (I think it is, but I'm not entirely sure.)
Jiggled open...slid open. You might want to choose another word for 'open' in one of these sentences. The 'echo' thing, and all.
She knew them by heart. (Show me how she knew them by heart---loved or hated paintings, textures of cloth drapes, feeling of the walls, etc.)
...into a tube with hung from her neck. (with should be 'that' I think)

Reading on....

I read as far as chapter 4 (Uninvited Guests). You have a great opening scene with Melanie stealing the documents - I love the way she figures out which lock is the one to pick. But after that the story seems to lose its way a bit.

I agree with the comments that you need to break up some, if not most, of the long paragraphs. My book, which is aimed at the same sort of readership as yours, averages three or four sentences per paragraph, though that might be going too far in the opposite direction. Watch out for adverbs as well. Often they don't add anything to your meaning, and when they do, there's often a more specific verb that means the same thing as the adverb plus the verb you've used.

I wonder if Melanie might be a Mary-Sue. She's an orphan. She's the best at what she does. She picks up new skills quickly (dancing). She's risen to a lofty position from humble beginnings. She's got into a school on merit, when everybody else has to pay for it. She's rude to an important person (Layla) in front of many other important people and gets away with it. (I can accept that she would lose her temper with such a stuck-up brat, but there should be consequences - immediate, humiliating and quite possibly painful.) She neglects her duty (protecting the Prince) and gets away with it.

(In the interests of full disclosure, my own MC scores moderately highly on a Mary-Sue litmus test, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.)

Just a few thoughts.... use or discard as you see fit.

Hi Amy,
The plot of your story drew me in like a magnet and is exactly the type of story I look for on the shelves of a bookstore.
However, I haven't read very much of it yet. I had trouble getting through even the first chapter because something kept nagging at me while reading. The use of your character's name, Melanie, in your paragraphs was very repetitive. Try using the word "she" more. I know this may seem repetitive too, but I got around this in my story by alternating sentence structure--like starting it with the action of the sentence rather than the subject.
This story has potential and I want to see it grow, so I am keeping it on my watchlist.

A fellow young adult writer,
EssentiallyRei (Pawn)

Hi Amy,

I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered:()

Chapter 1:Vivid intoductory paragraph. I can really imagine the sights and sounds of the celebration. And I get the feeling there's big trouble coming soon.;)

1 tiny suggestion. I think occasionally you don't need to go into such detail in descriptions. eg in "Bright torches burned in every colour..." the reader can infer the torches are bright because burning torches are bright. I think you can cut "bright" to make the description more effective. I almost always think it's best to try and describe vividly, but in as few words as possible. ;)

Reading on... Hmmm who or what is this mysterious figure? They're obviously up to no good. After all, who has reason to slink around on a night of such celebration?

1 more tiny suggestion here. I think 90% of the time the best verb does a better job than a weaker verb-adverb pair. eg I think "... creeping towards the quiet academy" would work better than "...moving silently up towards the quiet academy." as "creeping" implies furtiveness and silence. Increasingly, I think a large part of writing boils down to hunting the best verbs. ;)

Reading on... Hmmm I'm intrigued by Melanie. She's obviously tough and trained. And she's a thief. I wonder, will she pull off the heist she's engaged in? Good section. I can almost feel the tension. It looks like there's a trap, but she seems to smart and careful to fall into it. Success! She's got the documents. Now she just needs to get out.

1 tiny suggestion here. I think occasionally some of your paragraphs are pretty long. Is there any way you could break up the longer paragraphs? As things stand, they'd make intimidating blocks of text on the page for thickos like me. ;)

Reading on... Uh oh. Something's wrong. Somebody's there, and magik seems to be involved. A thief's worst nightmare. Then somebody grabs her, but Melanie's obviously been in this situation before. She manages to get the best of them and flee. Dramatic 1st chapter. I want to read on and see where this goes. ;)

Chapter 2: Oh it looks like Melanie's a student at the place she just robbed. I didn't expect that. And it looks like she's the odd one out among the rich students. Good dialogue between the prof and Herman. I can almlost feel Herman squirming. Hey that sort of rhymes. :)

I've a small suggestion here, though. Your dialogue's good, so I don't think you need to explain it so much. eg in " "But sir, I didn't..." Herman pleaded pathetically..." the reader can infer that Herman's pleading from the dialogue itself. You don't need the explanation afterwards. I'd just leave your dialogue to shine on its own merits. ;)

Reading on... Aha it looks like Melanie was stealing for Herman. I was surprised when she interrupted his bollocking. I didn't expect her to be kind. Wow, she even goes so far as to own up the thet herself. I never thought she'd do that for the pathetic Herman.

Buth the prof actually seems impressed. And there's a clear rapport between Melanie and the prof that's nice. Despite the fact she doesn't have the money of the other students, she clearly has plenty of talent.

Vanessa's an interesting character. A vampire cross. Must be difficult staying friends with somebody when you know they always want to drink your blood, especially when they are getting v hungry ;). lovely interaction between the 2 of them, though. They're plainly friends. I almost laughed out loud when I read Melanie's complaint she's too short to scare people. My wife's on the short side, and is occasionally a v angry little person. Melanie's words sound just like something she'd say.

The king seems a good sort, strong and wise. The prince seems fine too. Hmm I wonder who this older brother is who nobody talks of. There must be some major reason the succession skips him. Does he have mental/physical problems? Or is he evil? Intriguing mystery...

Sound like a big celebration's coming, but Melanie doesn't want to go. hmmm... why do I suspect something will go horribly wrong? ;)

OK I've just seen how much I've written. Sorry about that. I didn't mean to go overboard. I'll stop now before I annoy you. :(

I enjoyed your story. I think Melanie's a great central character that girls will empathise with. She's strong and smart, and she's got real guts. The dialogue and banter between her and her friends is fun, and cracks along at a good pace. And, more importantly, there are hints that dark times are coming. I can see readers wanting to read on and find out what happens...

I've just rated your book v highly, and hope you find an agent/publisher soon. :)

Best of luck,

Pete x

INTO THE DARK
Good pitch and introductory chapter.
You've given us some clever and skilful writing - are you sure you're only 16?
Very compelling read, exciting and full of action. Well done. Given you lots of stars!
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

INTO THE DARK
Good pitch and introductory chapter.
You've given us some clever and skilful writing - are you sure you're only 16?
Very compelling read, exciting and full of action. Well done. Given you lots of stars!
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

This is a well constructed story with some very descriptive writing. Your characters have a reality within the storyline and the dialogue is appropriate. I do have problem with Brabaron's stammering, as with dialect too much emphasis on types of pronounciation can detract from the overall pace of the book. You might consider giving just a hint of his speech habit and then leave your reader to put in the rest. Writing a story is only one half of the job, the partnership with the reader is an equal one and to spell out too much leaves the reader out of the equation.
I do think this will prove very popular with its target readership.
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

Ingenous. Riveting. A superbly tangled fantasy with great depth. Complex characters. Well-drawn dialogue. Evocative narrative. Spot on storytelling. Only two nits: 1) ... and slotting them into a tube with hung from her belt. 'With' should be 'which.' 2) "Sucker" She muttered and melted into the night. Comma after 'Sucker' and 'She' should be lowercase. Other than those, this is astute writing. An infectous read. Backed.

reads as a very polished work, also quite entertaining, couldn't find any mistakes, the only concern I have is that perhaps the first chapter doesn't end with something that would necessary make everyone turn the page so to speak.

you have a typo at the end where the sentence starts with "Melanie could see"

seems like a very fun story, truly.

This is clever, skilful writing as we see Melanie break into the Academy with stealth and cunning, 'this lock had got the former criminal caught' - very smart plotting too. Still, Melanie isn't fast enough to avoid the magician, but more sneaky tactics get her out of trouble again. The next day, she's strolling into the Academy as an apprentice - cocky young lass that she is - and returns the documents to the professor. Again I'm impressed at the astute logic behind Melanie's actions (and thus to the credit of the writer) 'Using someone else's deadline'.

Vanessa is an unusual combination: vampire and hag - not popular, 'the inch long fangs put them off'. She and Melanie move in exalted circles: kings, princes, lupines. Actually the youngsters (Melanie and the prince) are more than a little wicked when it comes to stuttering and old folk, so quite typical for their age...

To summarise, the language is fitting throughout, conveying energy and youth: 'Melanie exploded out of the doors'. Dialogue and characterisation are also spot on. And as I've implied above, I'm especially impressed with the amount of thought and imagination that have been invested in making Melanie genuinely cunning and intelligent ... backed.

Possible nits: I'd be tempted to play with the first line, e.g. 'At night, the capital city Hren was a dazzling spectacle. Bright torches...' 'She stayed there for what seemed like eternity as she eyed the room' a bit of an exaggeration - try something like, 'She remained motionless as she eyed the room'. Simplified wording here: '...but only a professional, like Melanie, would know. That left...' Don't use 'they' for a single person, especially when the sex in known (i.e. he jolted to a halt): 'but their [his/a] hand closed', 'They [He] thought they [he] had her' etc.

Amy -

Into the Dark - This is very enjoyable. Your love of story shines bright. Melanie is a brilliant little thief, and I'm hooked to find out what kind of heroine she develops into. Stick to your guns, your writing sings.

Backed with pleasure, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

This would be quite an accomplishment for a writer of any age but is amazing considering your sixteen! Your writing flows well, is crisp, stimulates the senses and oozes with action. You might even improve that by breaking up some of the larger paragraphs, and checking for words that repeat them selves to quickly (e.g. "light" in the first sentence and then again in the second - could probably be eliminated the second time with a little rewording). Cherish and nourish your gift!

Great story, with vivid characters and scenes. You've built a believable world, which is fantasy's first challenge.

Might I suggest you shorten your paragraphs? Some are extremely long, and may tempt a reader to skim. Their content is good, so maybe just break them up a bit. Another way to do that is to introduce dialogue sooner.

Still, this is a fabulous read. Backed!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Hi
I may not be an editor, teacher, experienced author or whatever else blueboy may be but I think your style is perfect. Whilst it is good of him to have taken the time to review your work so thoroughly, I have to say that that as a reader, I prefer your 'past tense' version to his 'present tense' one.
BACKED
Raquel
Foxblood

Great story! i love your characters. They have such distinct personalities and you describe them very well. The story itself is also fast paced and keeps the reader wanting more and on that note i want more! Backed!

Gemma
The Leylan Story

Yup, I agree - you would never guess you are only sixteen. The writing is excellent. I'm just on my way to bed, but I'm watchlisting you, will read past chapter one tomorrow and leave you some comments. Well done.
Polly
'STONES'

Dark One---Ok, in your very first sentence you start out passively. The city “was.” Dazzling, as if it “was’ dazzling but is no longer. Bring your narrative into the present tense.

The sentence really screaming to be your first is...
Bright torches burned on every corner of every street; their colorful lights flickering as partygoers accumulated beneath them.

Burned is active. Its something going on (now) that really catches the attention of the reader and makes us wonder why these torches are here. It's very good to grab the reader's attention early, so this is a strong first sentence. much better than the other.

That's a small example of the kind of editing you need to do (in my opinion.) Do you see how this flows? Flow is the most important element to your narrative voice. And other than content I would say it is the most important. If you make your story too choppy you over tax your reader. Don’t make them stop and start. Try to avoid making your reader pause and take breaths during a sentence. This version says basically the same thing, without the waste, and without making the sentence too awkward. Remember that you do not have to squeeze every descriptive adjective about every element into the same sentence the element first appears. Notice how I took the fact that the lights are colorful out of the first sentence and added it to the next one. The “ever color” reference overloaded the first sentenced and bogged down your flow, so I moved it to the next sentence.

If “imaginable” is a descriptive word you really want in there, then that’s fine, but just always remember that flow comes first. So work it into a sentence that needs something more, do not cram it into a sentence that is already full. Read some poetry to get an example of flow or some books by Hesse or Nabokov to get some idea of good flow in passages. If you can’t say everything you want to say in one flowing sentence, then say it in two flowing sentences—but flow should always be your priority.

In the second sentence, “drawing to” and “accumulating beneath” is more or less pointing to the same action, and so you are being redundant—saying the same thing twice in two different ways is not needed. It will bog your writing down. By taking out the “drawing to” element, you have room left over to add the reference to the “colors” in the torches which we took out of the first sentence. This makes both sentences more fluid. Remember three or four flowing sentences are better than one or two awkward ones any day.


While you are working on flow and description, try to keep your sentences active, not passive. Songs float(ed) is past tense. Your reader wants to be in the action as it is occurring. They want to see your characters doing something. They do not want to be told what they have already done.

Give the dragon on the flag a name. This was common practice in ancient times. But not Draco, as that is rather cliché (I only used Draco as an example). You may also want to rename your king because Roland is also a well worn cliché, and you want to be as original as possible. Ok—“Kingdom wide”… and all that is too much squeezed in one sentence, too wordy. Say it out loud and get a feel for how it is awkward. Once you get a feel for what sounds awkward you will be able to hone your intuition for what works. Find a way to work it in paying close attention to flow, or leave it out. I don’t think “kingdom” wide is very important, since most kingdoms were unified (by definition) under a common king’s banner, but if you want to keep it just make sure it flow well in some other sentence. Remember, the main issue in editing is making good choices regarding flowing, fluid narrative. You must be objective and honest with yourself when deciding what can be left out without changing the narrative, and what is fluff. Do not be so married to your words that you can’t let anything go. Everything that you write is not going to be golden, or sacred, and not everything is going to be something so important that you can’t live without it. You need to work on your intuition for making good choices for what to keep and what top edit. And those choice need to be informed on by content and flow. Get what you want to say in there, but make sure it flows. “Kingdom wide” is good, but is it really necessary right here at this exact moment? o is it something that can be worked in later? Never cram details in a ruin your flow. Also “they got it right, and then one failed” is wordy and awkward. The "hoops" is unneeded development at this point, because we d not really know anyone one, or the people I the crowd. BY taking out “one” and adding the two syllables of “rocket” you add flow to the sentence as it seemed a syllable short (the way I edited it.) What you end up with is:


The people of Hren were singing; their songs floating above the city streets as trainees from the Royal Academy of Mages made Draco--the emblem of the flag of Gera--out of charmed fireworks. Draco was also the crest of King Roland, who looked on as a failed rocket broke into a million multicolored stars above the summer solstice celebration.



All together you have:

Bright torches burned on every corner of every street, colorful lights flickering as partygoers accumulated beneath them. The people of Hren were singing; their songs floating above the city streets as trainees from the Royal Academy of Mages made Draco--the emblem of the flag of Gera--out of charmed fireworks. Draco was also the crest of King Roland, who looked on as a failed rocket broke into a million multicolored stars above the summer solstice celebration.

This says basically the same thing, but look how easily flows. It has a good story telling voice—plus is it more concise. You save a lot words. Remember that you will have a limited word count for any first noel. You can not afford to meander too much. Stay focused. Save you words for narrative elements and details that push your plot forward. Anyway, this is just a suggestion. This is the kind of editing I would be looking at in each of my paragraphs if this were my manuscript. Posihing and editing is the key. But this is your manuscript so you have to put your own voice into it. All of this was just an example. I hope it is helpful. ttyl



blueboy

Ok, Dark One, your black servant begs forgiveness, but I think you need to do a little polishing before you go too much further in your editing process. I like your story very much. This genre is very marketable (these kinds of story sell very well), plius your narrative voice is strong, and I can see you have a structured plot unfolding--(wonderful job) but your prose is bit passive and you miss some opertuintiies to really grap your reader and direct them along. If you would like me to teach you a few tricks you can use, let me know. I would be happy to. But if you want to do it on your own, I understand.

All and all, I think this is a really interesting and compelling story. My main advice, if I may be so bold, would be to work on your intuition for linking your narrative elements in a way that pushes your plot forward. Regardless, you have an elegant writing style, and a thoughtful mind, and i wish you the best of luck.

Your humble servant

blueboy

I have backed you and wish you luck with your manuscript

Hi Amy, I think you've crafted a wonderfully imaginative tale with a fast pace, plenty of action and amazing characters. Thank you so much.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

What happened to he comment i gave days ago/ Anyway will like to say again that is a superb piece of work. I will buy this and so to will amny otheres out there.

Backed (previously)
The Lord of the dawn

Backed with pleasure, I really liked it, I hope you will look at Royal Blood Chronicles bookone. E.Loraine

Hello Amy,

Wow, you remind me of myself. I was sixteen when I wrote the first book of my trilogy. (The first one I have posted here is several drafts + years later.) I must say your talent is apparent and you have the basis for a raw gift that should serve you well should you wish to follow it through.

Melanie is delightful, perhaps based on you somewhat? You write older than your years.

I have put you on my watchlist and will read more when I have the time. Fantasy is my genre too so I wish you the best of luck. From one Author to the other.

I don't tend to nit-pick, (I have Thumper's Mum's attitude and won't say anyting unless it's something nice.) However if you would like me to take a look at some chapters and offer any constructive criticism, then let me know.

For now, I will back you based on first impressions!

Kind Regards,

Jodi.
x-Evalesco-x

Amy, this is really good. There's real atmosphere and tension to the first chapter contrasted by the upbeat nature of the dialogue and introductions in chap 2 (Unfortunately for her, her other half was a hag - love this line!)
You're going places with this!
Cheers,
Simon

Evocative, enchanting prose. Really strong writing. You have a real future! Backed with pleasure.

This is very impressive fantasy writing. You have created a fictional world that's so believeable and imaginative. I've just read your only 16. Well, that staggers me. This is confident writing and I would have assumed you were considerably older. Anyway, good luck with this. There could be a huge market for it.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Your vivid imagination has created a new world that your smooth writing style easily transports the reader to - well done. Your use of imagery is superb and your character development is solid. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Amy,

I write for a living and started pretty young at it, but I don't believe I could have written to your standard at your age. It was a pleasure to read your work and it's a pleasure to back you too. Hopefully you can return the read too.
Backed!

David
Bailey of the Saints

Melanie's Tale:

Amy Bradford,

Whilst darkness and a vampire may follow, it is so refreshing to find a story which opens with merriment and happiness. Of course, there is always a sense that we are being lulled into a false sense of security and I found that possibility another reason for reading on. So I was hooked from the start.
You create a sense of immediacy through observation, with more than just the visual, and I felt quickly drawn into your story and characters.
Melanie is particularly well portrayed - through her actions - and certainly no 'goodie two shoes' as she makes her illicit entry and picks the lock.
The contrast between the initial merriment and the quiet, furtive subterfuge of Melanie is masterful and I particularly enjoyed the twist at the end which kept me rivetted to your fascinating story!

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Truly superb work, clearly you're an up and coming star. I'm almost jealous ;) You'vecreated something here that both captivates and enchants the reader. It's fabulous, that's all there is to it.

Backed.
Abi xxx

This is good enough to give Twilight a run for their money and I hope you can get on that multi-million dollar gravey train...lol
Was a lot of fun to read.
Best of Luck
Dawn De Remer (Golden Moon)

Dear Amy, I love fiction fantasy - vampires, I'm leary of because every morning that I wake up, I feel like a vampire has sucked all of my blood out & have a "pounding headache" the way you said in your book - I have lupus since I was 15, so am always weak/weary, though I'm 70 in a couple of weeks. I was prepared to read your book after reading your blurb. Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

I can't believe you are only 16 - this reads like it has been written by someone with years of writing experience.. while I dont normally buy Young Adult fiction maybe I should start because this type of fantasy fiction is something I have always loved.. I think you do very well to capture the immediacy of the setting and Melanie as main character.. fascinating stuff - Backed with pleasure!

Melanie’s Tale

You have created a very well told story, it is well structured with great characterisation. You balance narrative and dialogue very well in a great storyline. – Good luck

This is a good story! I got several chapters in and you really move ths along well. You flow and pace are spot on...one of the best ways to keep a reader connected is though the flow of an easy reading style and you've captured that!

Lockjaw

Being Authonomy's #1 common potato, I would suggest that you spend a good deal of time on your SPAM. I cannot overemphasize just how important it is for you to master this basic Authonomy technique. SPAM the would-be author and the casual reader. SPAM your auntie's cat.
Also, say “SHELVED!” or “BACKED!” as often as is humanly possible. That's how you climb in ranking and gather more exposure for your novel.

I can use your shelving of my book when you get the chance. Bottoms up!

Jeremiah Corns
Hell's Angel
Authonomy's #1 rated anti-religion novel.

Today's pieces of #1 advice are: BEWARE OF PITCH INVASIONS and PUSH YOUR SOOTY TO THE MAX!”

Being Authonomy's #1 commentator. Spend some time on your pitches I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

Cool story, Great writing..Shelved.
Are you really only 15? The pitch is perfect,
only thing you could cut it in paragraphs, and the book
has very long ones as well.
In the 'about me' you mis spell,,obsess, dispel, and ..
another I forget...oh yes...obesity
Lots of luck, and fun with it...........mikegilli The Free

How can your school not be good to have produced a writer like you? Imagination isn't the point - most people of your age have that. It's having the determination and talent to slog away at writing it down. Even then you might not come up with something others want to read. But believe me, that won't happen to you. Character, plot, narrative, you know what it is that keeps us entertained. Brilliant. Backed. LYNN

This is an entertaining read. You have a good character in Melanie because, altho she has special powers and insight, she also has enough human qualities to make her likable and sympathetic. I think you'll find a wide following among young adults for this. Many of them will relate to her and until she runs into deep trouble, wish they were here. It's a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Backed with pleasure! Joss E. Morris (A Bore No More)

Gave this to my Twilight-loving daughter and she freaked over it. I guess that means she thinks it's good enough to back. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

Seriously?
Wow...

Gave this to my Twilight-loving daughter and she freaked over it. I guess that means she thinks it's good enough to back. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

This is excellent and compels the reader to keep going! I want more! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Really good read, very engrossing.

Helpful nits for you.

Melanie pulled of(f) the glove's...

Sometimes I think you overuse the MC name too much, where she may work just as well. Or maybe it's just 'cos I hate the name Melanie (my name).!! LOL

Melxx
would love to hear your thoughts on Impeding Justice. Thanks XX

Vampires....whats not to love! Backed!

This fantasy adventure seems to deliver. My thing is that I would like to see a tighter longer pitch and having dialogue as your short pitch does not pull me in. You can write so I think you can revises these. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

The other thing is that most of your dialogue is not punctuated correctly.
For instance:

"Yes, sir" He said sharply. -- should be -- "Yes, sir," he said sharply.
"Way to go Mel' Vanessa said... -- should be -- "Way to go Mel," Vanessa said...

I know, my Dad has a go at me about that all the time - thanks for pointing it out,Laurie, I always forget!!

This looks like another great fantasy adventure! There are quite a few here on Authonomy, but this has a voice of its own and I like it. I am happy to shelve and think this will do well! Good on ya girl!
Simon (BLACK SHADOWS)

I think you have some nice potential with this story. The description is good and it has a nice pace.
My suggestions would be to break up the paragraphs so it flows better and is easier on the eye.
The other thing is that most of your dialogue is not punctuated correctly.
For instance:

"Yes, sir" He said sharply. -- should be -- "Yes, sir," he said sharply.
"Way to go Mel' Vanessa said... -- should be -- "Way to go Mel," Vanessa said...

Also, you need to watch your use of adverbs / -ly words. ..and find stronger verbs instead.
(Don't worry, I needed all the same advice when I began here.) Good luck with this.